Volume 36 Number 07 - University of the Witwatersrand

l. The Malady Lingers OnA prof stood silently behindthe barrier lectern in a giantSenate House Mass BoredornTheatre. A new subcourse inthe multifaceted Psychology Icurriculum was about tocommence, and the prof . . .hold it, enough of this formality,let's call him Fred,OK? . . . and Fred felt a slightunease despite having donethis task (and spouted theselectures) many times before.He surveyed the ranks beforehim with a jaundiced eye.'You bunch of lazy bums! Uthink Psychologl"s an easycreditl U think you don't have towork! Ha! Come June you'll see!U'll fail! We know! We can pruveit. we've STATISTICS to showit! Lassyeer neely haffa u bastidsfaled an asso yeerbeforlAn Elegant Student settledback in (his? her'l hir!) hir seatand allowed a faint (rown ofboredom to crease hir lovelycountenance. Se looked down atthe fred up f'ront and noticed thathe seemed a bit agitated. When'she gonna start anyway'l'Piss-eve-chology'sa S I GNCEanu buncher BA woooly-headedassoles better lern that last wedoan allow no speikerlation northinkin notlike t hem damsocciologl idyits uc even gettinridda Fraud nottu menshin thatcrazy Yoong in this coarse ugotta lern bout SICNCE nSTATIS'IICS n FACTS n doantr) to go to gorrarn lar cos signcegotta be modrated by mediocritl'utherwize u end up crazy likegorram Frood er Young erSkinnr stead ol' been like thewunnanonly Bellington hoozsucha troo signtisthat noboddy'ever even herdof him! Anwottabout Crantly heez publishover 8ty jernil artikills onna waizpeeple ract to craks innapavemint an PRUVED that it'sgot nuthing to do with annithingheez gon so far aztu pruve thatalliz. reserch needintol beenPhantomTypewriterRumour has it that PW Bothawill be one of the nominees, and astrong contender. for the 1984Nobel Peace Prize. His efforts tobring about peace and stability inthe Southern African subcontinenthave been widelv ackdunnitall.rvhy Grantlev's sograte that even the en-ferkin-tyrestudint boddver Harvid dintnotice fer three whole weekswenneed died!'2. Abandon All Hope, YeWho Enter HereSwimming through fog drZelig mounts the black anddreary stairs of SS and turnsright dorvn the second-floorcorridor, a dank passage lined onone side with cof'fin-like doorsforever shut and locked. Se dragshirself wearily along. footstepsechoing dismally. and skirts thecorp\cs ofthose u ho died uaitingunder the photographs ol l'orgottendweets (a particularly highpile of bodies blocks the wayoutside Mrs Hangon's door).This time of year is hard, so veryhard, hir body is packing up. hirpelvis seems to be losing its lastconnections with the torso andswivels and slips and bumps andgrinds uncontrollably.Oh god! There, at the far endof the passage. almost invisible inAccording to reliable sourcesthe other nominees will be:oRonald Reagan for hisheroic efforts to quell unre\t inCentral America. as rvell as lorhis persistcnce in spendingbillions of dollars on nucleartechnology and nuclear stockpiling.o Muhamar Gadaffi for hisefforts to bring about a unitedworld lslamic Empire (underLibyan leadership).the gloom, stands stands?stands! an Elegant Student infront of dr Z's door. It's still alive.se mumbles, oh god why didn't Istay in the cofl'ee shop a few dayslonger'lSe turns around quickly. tooquickly, hir pelvis snaps its lastrubber band and remains pointed(ha ha) in the original directron.Dr Z, l'eeling discomfort, looksdorvn and sees, instead of toes,the backs or heels of hir shoes.Panting with ell'ort, se managesto stumble back dcrwn towardshir other office (the one labelledDr (Anonyumous)). She has toreverse lateral cerebral polarityto achieve this with non-contralaterallegs. no mean feat at10h00 on a Wednesday morning.Gasping, sweating, se fumblesout hir keys and tries to open thedoor. At first the lock. bound bythe rust of ages. resists, but iteventually gives way. Inside,inside! But rvait, do you hear thehorrid sound of faltering footstepsapproaching? Oh god, thebrat must have spotted mecoming in here. Stay calrn, stal'keeping the death toll in thelranlraqwar below the one millionmark.Special posthumous nominationswill be made for:o Adolf Hitler for his stirringefforts to bring about peace inEurope during the 1939 Munichtalks. He is also being commendedfor committing suicidein an heroic attempt to hastenthe end of World War Il.o (ihengis Khan - for hiscalm, time to make the switcrelaxes while thick black trtsprout from hir scalp and brbud and hips widen, then seinto the wardrobe and chaclothes ( no 'phone booths incomlc).A small miserable knocthe door announces the arrivthe once Elegant Student. Dropens the door, dislodanother shower of rust, and pout.ES: Please dr (A) can I see CDr (A): Sorry. se's not herehir office.ES: Oh. I thought I sawanyway can I see you abouessay'iDr (A): I'm busy right now.you wait just ten minutes?ES: Yes, thank you. thanktha... 'f he door slams, killinlelderly spider which was irmiddle of a research pr(trying to discover whethecan be caught out by switthe order of response itemsmultiple-choice quesrionnoh Hell, another publicatrotogether with the Governsubsidy. Prof Fred andAccounts Department wilquite disturbed but the studbless their fathers' walletsnever notlce.[n the safety of hir offic(A) begins to shrink, beco30cm shorter and somebroader in the processopens the door again, and thlooks up hopelully, only to sFrrrirf'rl f\- E l.