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eatureHe’s worth the riskBY VYRONA PARKERFOR YEARS I WENT TO CHURCH, FEELinggood that I was doing what Godwanted me to do. Over and over, Iwould ask God to show me what Hewanted of me, then I would do what Iwanted to do believing this was also Hiswill. Following my own wants and desires,I continued on the path I had chosen as thestraight and narrow, building the relationshipwith Jesus that I longed for.I found it difficult to discuss how I feltabout Jesus, and used that as an excuse tostay in the background and not have muchto say. I finished secondary school, went onto work feeling quite pious, believing mybehaviour was enough to witness for theLord. I felt my relationship with God wasgrowing, and strong. Knowing about whatGod was like through the story of Jesus’ lifehere on earth, I thought I had built thatrelationship with God so well.It had been hard work, but it was worthit, for I could talk to Him anytime, aboutanything I chose to say.Then it all came crashing down whenwithin two years I lost the two people in myfamily who were closest to me. My brotherwas killed in a car accident and my mumdied as a result of breast cancer after a fiveyearstruggle. My faith in God wavered,sliding downward quickly to a big zero. Ilost the joy of fellowshipping with churchmembers, and talking to God in prayerbecame a chore. Praising Him seemedblasphemous, seeing I had trouble evenbelieving He cared.I went into autopilot, doing what had tobe done without thinking, and just existing.I stopped studying the Bible as I couldn’tconcentrate enough to even take in a verseof the Bible, and existed by covering up mytrue feelings toward God by relying onwhat I had learned and my knowledge ofthe Bible from childhood days. There weredays when I wished with all my heart Ididn’t have to go to church, and I wouldn’thave gone if I’d had nothing to do.Because I had lost the relationship Ithought I had with God I had nowhere toturn. I felt at a loss as to what to do andwhere to go. God was not part of my lifenow and there was no feeling between us.I wrote and wrote poetry trying to workout where my life was going. I still pretendedto have a relationship with Godwhen I was with friends and acquaintances,and when I went to a small group,I asked questions trying to find the answersto my questions.Over and over, I tried to work out how Icould regain my faith. I couldn’t read myBible, but still I tried. Nothing stayed in mymind. I began to feel depressed, and deathseemed a pleasant thought. Often, I wouldthink of different ways to forget the pain Ifelt. On the outside, I learned quickly howto put the face on so people wouldn’t askquestions. I felt no-one understood orcared. All I could think of was how nice itwould be to be dead. I did the right things,in my thinking, and I just went to churchwith an invisible cloak around me so Iwouldn’t get hurt again.Even though I didn’t think God was inmy life, He was there. As the monthsrolled on, I felt mummified, but God keptworking for me. I needed someone to offloadall my pain, hurt and despair. He sentthe unlikeliest person I could ever think of,a person who I had little time for because ofwhat I had chosen to believe about him. Inmy state of uncertainty, I had listened tothis gossip, and believed it. I sent letters tothe “powers that be” to stop him frombeing appointed as my church pastor. I eventried to pray him away. I told them itcouldn’t be God’s will that he come, all tono avail. He was to be our minister. Idreaded having to meet him.Then a godly woman said to me thatmaybe God had a plan for this man. Sheencouraged me to have an open mind. Iagain covered up my feelings and let peoplethink that I had accepted this disaster. Iwent about doing “good” in the sight ofothers, attending meetings, playing musicfor church, and basically being a falseChristian.At our small-group meetings, we studiedthe Bible by reading a chapter a week. Wehad a little discussion and then had prayer.My “new” pastor spoke to me after onemeeting and told me I needed a relationshipwith God from my heart. I was0December 17, 2005