Fact Sheet 4 - Trouble Shooting the Relationship.pub - Australian ...

Factsheets for MentorsTrouble-shooting the RelationshipThis fact sheet discusses some common challenges that occur ina mentoring relationship and suggests some possible ways ofresolving them.Introduction to TroubleTrouble-shooting RelationshipsMentors are not counsellors, teachers orpsychologists. Yet the role of a mentor is highlyskilled because they need to be able to getalong with people and behave professionally. Asa mentor, sometimes the relationship betweenyou and your mentee might not go as plannedand a good motto is ‘expect the unexpected’.Some things that you can do to try andunderstand your young person and feel preparedto address any problems are:• Tackle issues as they arise. If somethingmakes you or your mentee uncomfortable,say so. Be honest and open so that yourmentee feels they can be too.• Keep a diary. After you meet with yourmentee, make a few brief notes about whatyou learnt about them and if any issuescame up that were important. You mightalso like to note what you said and reflectupon the meeting.• Make sure you attend any debriefings orhave access to other mentors who may beexperiencing similar issues. Check outinformation on the websites.• Be realistic in your expectations of therelationship. Don’t expect immediatechange, rewards or much feedback from yourmentee!• Talk to your coordinator regularly, gettingsupport, feedback and advice.www.youthmentoring.org.auFactsheet compiled by Louise Manka on behalf of the Australian Youth Mentoring Network 2008.While every effort has been made to ensure the accuracy of the information contained in this document the Youth Mentoring Network accepts no liability of anyloss or damage associated with its use. Mentors should always refer back to their program’s polices and procedures for further clarification.

My mentee is rude, disrespectful andkeeps sneaking off for cigarettes• Discuss your expectations of your relationshipand how this situation makes you feel. Usesome “I” statements, for example, “When youspeak to me rudely I feel that my time is notappreciated and what I would like is for you tospeak to me respectfully”.• Set some realistic boundaries together eg. Ifappropriate for age/meeting place, can youbuild a break in your time together so that theycan go and have a cigarette? Do you need toreduce the length of your meeting time? Ifhaving a cigarette is not appropriate, explainto your mentee why it isn’t and that you needto make an agreement about not smoking.• Assess your own expectations and behaviour.Are you pushing your student too much, toosoon? Are you role modelling the behaviourthat you desire? Work together to try andenvision the kind of relationship you want.• Do not expect immediate changes, give it timeand make sure you notice when your youngperson does the right thing. Use lots ofencouragement and focus on the positives.Assess your own expectationsand behaviour. Are you pushingyour mentee too much, toosoon?Many young people have issues that can seeminsurmountable to them and it is very difficult forthem to learn to communicate their hurt,frustration and anger appropriately. Respond tothe feelings behind the behaviour rather thanreact to the behaviour. For example, “You seemupset about something today, are you ok?” Dealwith emotion and get settled down, then discusshow it could be managed differently next time.

My mentee seemsbored and notinterested in whatwe are doing• Ask your mentee if there is something elsethey would rather be doing or if there is aproblem, for example, they may be hungrywhich is a common cause of lack of focus!• Go and have some fun together! (See FACTSHEET - Getting to know your mentee).• Go and do something physical, they might justneed to get out, be having a bad day, or needa break.• Revisit program goals and mentee and mentorinterests and get them to choose somethingfrom the list.• Ask your program coordinator for helpSometimes it is difficult to find the reason forwhy a mentee gets bored but it may not haveanything to do with you, and they may not wish toshare the reason. It might be they have had arelationship break up or issues at home and theyare having trouble focussing. As a mentor,sometimes the focus can be on the achievementof a project or goal and it may be necessary torefocus on the relationship.Am I making adifference?Are you always doing all the work to get together?Maybe you think your mentee doesn’t have thecourage to tell you they don’t want to meet anymore or you just don’t think you are making adifference.• Most mentees don’t initiate contact and itreally is up to the mentor to take theresponsibility for this, as hard as it may seemsometimes (see FACT SHEET – Building theRelationship).• If you are concerned about whether they wantto keep meeting with you, think aboutwhether they are pleased to see you, do theyengage when they are with you? Are theywaiting for you when you turn up to meetthem?More information for MENTORS can be found on theAUSTRALIAN YOUTH MENTORING NETWORK Website under the Information forMentors page www.youthmentoring.org.au/info-forfor-mentors.html

• Most mentees would never tell you that theylike meeting with you or that they have learntanything or that you are making them feelbetter about themselves. To be able tocommunicate in this open way requiresconfidence and skill and many mentees justcan’t do it even if they want to.My mentee never seems tomake any effort to contact me, Iam always doing all the work toget us together. Maybe theyjust don’t have the courage totell me they don’t want to meetany more? I just don’t think Iam making any difference• You need to believe you are making adifference, don’t expect to see obviouschanges or have everyone tell you what theyhave noticed. For some mentees, just the factthat you turn up each week, rebuilds theirtrust, for others, being able to explore apassion injects much needed confidence.If you really have concerns about yourrelationship with your mentee seek help fromyour coordinator who will be able to advise you.Try and look at all sides of the situation andagain assess your expectations. Remember thatmentoring can be frustrating, confusing anddifficult, and may not always work out how youplanned. The relationship is about supporting andhelping a young person to grow, and although itusually is a deeply fulfilling experience it cansometimes feel unrecognised.References & Further Information• Understanding Adolescent Behaviourwww.focusonyouth.com/therapy_issues.php?nID=19• Mentoring-workswww.mentoring-works.com• Australian Youth Mentoring Networkwww.youthmentoring.org.auwww.youthmentoring.org.au