Honey, can you pass me a shit bag? - Ousley Creative

HOW WE SLEEP UP THERESoundly. A day of wall climbing is a greatinsomnia cure. Of course the climber’s harnessstays on all night, and he remains connected tothe anchor by a loose section of rope. Rolling outof the rigid portaledge would be more difficultthan rolling out of a hammock; gravity tends tokeep the occupant(s) in the center of the bed. Yes,sleepwalking would be a dangerous tendency upthere–as dozens of people have reminded me.HOW WE DON’ T BATHE UP THEREPre-moistened towelettes are the definitivehygiene solution. Bathing does happen on thewalls, but only by a select group of highlyadapted mutants—or a party that climbed muchfaster than expected.PITCH 26pitons I over-drove in fear. Weasel got torelax in the belay seat most of the daywhile I milked the leads. I got a cheerfulperson to converse with. She got agrouchy drill sergeant to gently remindher how to keep her technique in top form.We climbed no more than ten hoursper day—in June, when the light gracesthe Sierra for 17 hours a day. We typicallyset up the portaledge by 6pm, and didn’t shove off the nextmorning until nine or ten. We sat, flaccid and motionless forhours in the silent wake of that gigantic stone, blissfullyconjoined. We partied with the swallows, the bats,peregrine falcons, frogs, crows, hummingbirds, bees, andwe thanked them for having us. We gorged on hideouscanned pasta, Trader Joe’s products and the most expensivePowerAde in California, courtesy of the Village Store(damn the oso that punctured half our water bottles...). Wegawked at the evolving topography around us—massive,bizarre feature upon feature framing our vertical horizon,neighboring formations eventually submitting to our superiorposition. We ingested the intoxicating elixir of simpleexistence—life cleansed of earthly frivolity, duty and ofother human life. We answered only to the sun, the windAND OF COURSE, HOW WEPOO UP THEREIn earlier times, climbers “went” into paperbags which were chucked off the cliff andretrieved later. Increased wall traffic—andenvironmental awareness—has now mandatedpack-everything-out protocol. The generallyacceptedstandard today is to insert the usedpaper bags into a storage device constructedfrom plastic plumbing pipe.