Ballater & crathie Community magazine - Ballater Community

Now I’ve got another problem, thatI get the shakes at night,I think it’s the result of all the chequesI’ve had to write.I’m having liposuction on my abdomenand thighs,I’m hoping to reduce myself to a quarterof the size.They use a kind of vacuum-cleanerneedle, don’t you know,They stick it in your midriff and theydrive it to and fro.Then “Slurp”! and there’s your problemin the bucket down below,For I’m going to be surgically enhanced.I have felt decrepit lately, but I suddenlyfeel better,And I smell the sweet aroma of theoperating theatre.So come on Mr. Surgeon, celebrate andpop the cork,I’ll lie on the table and you get yourknife and fork.I’m signing the indemnity and coughingup the cash,Maybe I am profligate,extravagant and rash,I want a younger face!To obliterate the years, I think theylift it up and loop it round your ears.Considering my bosom, well it’slooking rather sad,But then I must remember thattwo children I have had,And in my fond maternity, produceda potent brew,So now the kids are fifteen stone andover six feet two.But returning to the bristols, I don’twant the past to wreck them,So I’m going to have them surgicallyenhanced, like Mrs. Beckham.I can’t afford the luxury and treatmentthat she can,So I’ve booked it on the cheap to haveit done in Pakistan.My husband will regard himself a verylucky man,When I have been surgically enhanced.STATIONPopular Informal Restaurant in the Old Royal StationOpen daily from 10amStation Square, Ballater AB35 5QB