Workbook 3 Being assertive Dr. Chris Williams

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8ExampleAnne: "Can I borrow £10 from you?"Paul: "I cannot lend you any money. I've run out."Anne: "I'll pay you back as soon as I can. I need it desperately. You are my friend aren't you?"Paul: "I cannot lend you any money."Anne: "I would do the same for you. You won't miss £10."Paul: "I am your friend but I cannot lend you any money. I'm afraid I've run out."Remember:• Work out beforehand what you want to say.• Repeat your reply over and over again and stick to what you have decided.This approach is particularly useful in:• Situations where your rights are being ignored.• Coping with clever articulate people.• Situations where you may lose your self-confidence if you give in.Saying "No"Many people find that saying "No" seems to be one of the hardest words to say. We cansometimes be drawn into situations that we don't want to be in because we avoid saying this onesimple word. The images we associate with saying "no" may prevent us from using the wordwhen we need it. We may be scared of being seen as mean and selfish, and of being rejected byothers. Saying "no" can be both important and helpful.Q. Do I have problems saying “No”? Yes NoIf Yes: try to practice saying "No" by using the following principles:• Be straightforward and honest but not rude so that you can make your point effectively.• Tell the person if you are finding it difficult.• Don't apologise and give elaborate reasons for saying "no". It is your right to say no if youdon’t want to do things.• Remember that it is better in the long run to be truthful than breed resentment and bitternesswithin yourself.© Dr C J Williams and University of Leeds Innovations Ltd (ULIS) 2000
9It may be that you have fears of how others may see or react to you if you do say no. If thesefears are not helpful or true, use the techniques that you have learned to challenge them.Remember, you cannot be responsible for the reactions of other adults, but you can beresponsible for your own actions.2). Scripting.Scripting involves planning out in advance in your mind or on paper exactly what you want to sayin a structured way. This is a four-stage approach that covers:• The event: the situation, relationship or practical problem that is important to you.• Your feelings: how you feel about situation or problem.• Your needs: what you want to happen to make things different.• The consequences: how making these positive changes will improve the situation for youand/or for others.• Event: Say what it is you are talking about. Let the other person know precisely what situationyou are referring to.• Feelings: Express how the event mentioned affects your own feelings. Opinions can beargued with, feelings cannot. Expressing your feelings clearly can prevent a lot of confusion.• Needs: People aren't mind readers. You need to tell them what you need. Otherwise peoplecannot fulfil your needs and this can lead to resentment and misunderstanding.• Consequences: Tell the person that if they fulfil your needs, there will be a positiveconsequence for both of you. Be specific about the consequences.A good way to begin to practice scripting is to write down what you want to say before you gointo a situation. The "event" and "feelings" aspect of this can be used as a part of a brokenrecord. Once you have engaged the person in discussion you can bring in the needs andconsequences.Example:Muriel: "Hello, how are you?"Joan: "Alright and you?"Muriel: "I saw Sandra yesterday. She said she was sorry to hear that I wasn't getting on with myneighbour. I told you about that in confidence. I didn't expect you to go round telling others."(Event)Joan: "I thought Sandra was a good friend of yours. I didn't think you would mind. She askedhow you were and said you seemed troubled. It seemed natural to tell her, - why?"© Dr C J Williams and University of Leeds Innovations Ltd (ULIS) 2000
Page 1 and 2: Workbook 3Being assertiveDr. Chris
Page 4 and 5: 4Elements of aggressive behaviour.A
Page 6 and 7: 6The Rules of assertion.All people
Page 10 and 11: 10Muriel: "Sandra's okay but she ha
Page 12 and 13: 12Section 2:Review of your attempts
Page 14 and 15: 14If yes: Was this fear accurate an

Workbook 3 Being assertive Dr. Chris Williams

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