Dealing with Difficult People

Dealing with Difficult PeopleCan you recall the last time you had to deal with a negative or difficult person? Or the lasttime someone said something with the intention of hurting you? How did you handle it? Whatwas the result? What can you do in the future to get through these situations with [...]Can you recall the last time you had to deal with a negative or difficult person? Or the lasttime someone said something with the intention of hurting you? How did you handle it? Whatwas the result? What can you do in the future to get through these situations with peace andgrace?No matter where we go, we will face people who are negative, people who oppose our ideas,people who piss us off or people who simply do not like us. There are 6.4 billion people outthere and conflict is a fact of life. This fact isn’t the cause of conflict but it is the trigger to ouremotions and our emotions are what drive us back to our most basic survival instinct; reactand attack back to defend ourselves.In these instinctual moments, we may lose track of our higher selves and become the humananimal with an urge to protect ourselves when attacked. This too is natural. However, we arethe only animal blessed with intelligence and having the ability to control our responses. Sohow can we do that?I regularly get asked “How do you deal with the negative comments about your articles? Theyare brutal. I don’t think I could handle them.” My answer is simple, “I don’t let it bother me tobegin with.” It wasn’t always this simple, and took me some time before overcoming thisnatural urgency to protect myself and attack back.I know it’s not easy, if it was easy, there wouldn’t be difficult or negative people to beginwith.Why Bother Controlling Our Responses?Hurting Ourselves - One of my favorite sayings is “Holding a grudge against someone is likedrinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” The only person we hurt is ourselves.When we react to negativity, we are disturbing our inner space and mentally creating painwithin ourselves.It’s Not About You, It’s About Them - I’ve learned that when people initiate negativity, it isa reflection of their inner state expressed externally and you just happen to be in front of thatexpression. It’s not personal, so why do we take it personally? In short: Because our ego likesproblems and conflict. People are often so bored and unhappy with their own lives that theywant to take others down with them. There have been many times when a random person hasleft a purposefully hurtful comment on TSN, and regularly checked back to see if anyone elseresponded to their comment, waiting eagerly to respond with more negativity.Battle of the Ego - When we respond impulsively, it is a natural and honest response.However, is it the smart thing to do? What can be resolved by doing so? The answer: Nothing.It does however feed our ego’s need for conflict. Have you noticed that when we fight back, it

feels really satisfying in our heads? But it doesn’t feel very good in our soul? Our stomachbecomes tight, and we start having violent thoughts? When we do respond irrationally, it turnsthe conversation from a one-sided negative expression into a battle of two egos. It becomes anunnecessary and unproductive battle for Who is Right?Anger Feeds Anger. Negativity Feeds Negativity. - Rarely can any good come out ofreacting against someone who is in a negative state. It will only trigger anger and anadditional reactive response from that person. If we do respond impulsively, we’ll haveinvested energy in the defending of ourselves and we’ll feel more psychologically compelledto defend ourselves going forward. Have you noticed that the angrier our thoughts become,the angrier we become? It’s a negative downward spiral.Waste of Energy - Where attention goes, energy flows. What we focus on tends to expanditself. Since we can only focus on one thing at a time, energy spent on negativity is energythat could have been spent on our personal wellbeing.Negativity Spreads - I’ve found that once I allow negativity in one area of my life, it starts tosubtly bleed into other areas as well. When we are in a negative state or holding a grudgeagainst someone, we don’t feel very good. We carry that energy with us as we go about ourday. When we don’t feel very good, we lose sight of clarity and may react unconsciously tomatters in other areas of our lives, unnecessarily.Freedom of Speech - People are as entitled to their opinions as you are. Allow them toexpress how they feel and let it be. Remember that it’s all relative and a matter of perspective.What we consider positive can be perceived by another as negative. When we react, itbecomes me-versus-you, who is right? Some people may have a less than eloquent way ofexpressing themselves - it may even be offensive, but they are still entitled to do so. Theyhave the right to express their own opinions and we have the right and will power to chooseour responses. We can choose peace or we can choose conflict.15 Tips for Dealing with Difficult PeopleWhile I’ve had a lot of practice dealing with negativity, it is something I find myself having toactively work on. When I’m caught off guard and end up resorting to a defensive position, theresult rarely turns out well.The point is, we are humans after all, and we have emotions and egos. However, by keepingour egos in-check and inserting emotional intelligence, we’ll not only be doing a favor for ourhealth and mental space, but we’ll also have intercepted a situation that would have gone bad,unnecessarily.Here are some tips for dealing with a difficult person or negative message:1. Forgive - What would the Dali Lama do if he was in the situation? He would most likelyforgive. Remember that at our very core, we are good, but our judgment becomes clouded andwe may say hurtful things. Ask yourself, “What is it about this situation or person that I canseek to understand and forgive?“2. Wait it Out - Sometimes I feel compelled to instantly send an email defending myself. I’velearned that emotionally charged emails never get us the result we want; they only add oil to

the fire. What is helpful is inserting time to allow ourselves to cool off. You can write theemotionally charged email to the person, just don’t send it off. Wait until you’ve cooled offbefore responding, if you choose to respond at all.3. “Does it really matter if I am right?” - Sometimes we respond with the intention ofdefending the side we took a position on. If you find yourself arguing for the sake of beingright, ask “Does it matter if I am right?” If yes, then ask “Why do I need to be right? Whatwill I gain?“4. Don’t Respond - Many times when a person initiates a negative message or difficultattitude, they are trying to trigger a response from you. When we react, we are actually givingthem what they want. Let’s stop the cycle of negative snowballing and sell them short on whatthey’re looking for; don’t bother responding.5. Stop Talking About It - When you have a problem or a conflict in your life, don’t youfind that people just love talking about it? We end up repeating the story to anyone who’lllisten. We express how much we hate the situation or person. What we fail to recognize inthese moments is that the more we talk about something, the more of that thing we’ll notice.Example, the more we talk about how much we dislike a person, the more hate we will feeltowards them and the more we’ll notice things about them that we dislike. Stop giving itenergy, stop thinking about it, and stop talking about it. Do your best to not repeat the story toothers.6. Be In Their Shoes - As cliché as this may sound, we tend to forget that we become blindsidedin the situation. Try putting yourself in their position and consider how you may havehurt their feelings. This understanding will give you a new perspective on becoming rationalagain, and may help you develop compassion for the other person.7. Look for the Lessons - No situation is ever lost if we can take away from it some lessonsthat will help us grow and become a better person. Regardless of how negative a scenario mayappear, there is always a hidden gift in the form of a lesson. Find the lesson(s).8. Choose to Eliminate Negative People In Your Life - Negative people can be a source ofenergy drain. And deeply unhappy people will want to bring you down emotionally, so thatthey are not down there alone. Be aware of this. Unless you have a lot of time on your handsand do not mind the energy drain, I recommend that you cut them off from your life. Cut themout by avoiding interactions with them as much as possible. Remember that you have thechoice to commit to being surrounded by people who have the qualities you admire:optimistic, positive, peaceful and encouraging people. As Kathy Sierra said, “Be around thechange you want to see in the world.”9. Become the Observer - When we practice becoming the observer of our feelings, ourthoughts and the situation, we separate ourselves away from the emotions. Instead ofidentifying with the emotions and letting them consume us, we observe them with clarity anddetachment. When you find yourself identifying with emotions and thoughts, bring your focuson your breathe.

10. Go for a Run … or a swim, or some other workout. Physical exercise can help to releasethe negative and excess energy in us. Use exercise as a tool to clear your mind and releasebuilt up negative energy.11. Worst Case Scenario - Ask yourself two questions, “If I do not respond, what is theworst thing that can result from it?“, “If I do respond, what is the worst thing that can resultfrom it?” Answering these questions often adds perspectives to the situation, and you’llrealize that nothing good will come out of reacting. Your energy will be wasted, and yourinner space disturbed.12. Avoid Heated Discussions - When we’re emotionally charged, we are so much in ourheads that we argue out of an impulse to be right, to defend ourselves, for the sake of ouregos. Rationality and resolution can rarely arise out of these discussions. If a discussion isnecessary, wait until everyone has cooled off before diving into one.13. Most Important - List out things in your life most important to you. Then ask yourself,“Will a reaction to this person contribute to the things that matter most to me?“14. Pour Honey - This doesn’t always work, but sometimes catches people off guard whenthey’re trying to “Pour Poison” on you. Compliment the other person for something they didwell, tell them you’ve learned something new through interacting with them, and maybe offerto become friends. Remember to be genuine. You might have to dig deep to find somethingthat you appreciate about this person.15. Express It - Take out some scrap paper and dump all the random and negative thoughtsout of you by writing freely without editing. Continue to do so until you have nothing else tosay. Now, roll the paper up into a ball, close your eyes and visualize that all the negativeenergy is now inside that paper ball. Toss the paper ball in the trash. Let it go!How do you deal with difficult people? What has worked well for you in the past? How doyou cool down when you’re all fired up and angry? Share your thoughts in the comments. Seeyou there!If you enjoyed this article, please vote for it on Digg