Confronting the Complexity of Loss

Meanwhile, some participants held the belief that truth should be told for its intrinsic
societal value. A participant who lost his home during the July 1983 pogrom stated that
neither he nor his family often told others. But they frequently discussed the events
amongst themselves and ‘chose’ to tell some specific individuals because ‘the truth about
what happened must be told and never forgotten’. He said: ‘these recollections are not
meant to gain us pity, but are only told to those who can understand.’ Expressing a
similar sentiment, one Muslim participant who was expelled from the North in 1990
stated:
I do not expect to earn pity by recounting my experiences. But the truth must be
known. I do not wish to sow seeds of revenge and conflict in the minds of our
children. But the younger generation should know their history. They should
know about their predecessors. Only when they are told about injustices will
further injustice not happen.
The foregoing discussion reveals that the attitudes of victims and survivors with respect
to the purpose and the practice of telling others vary significantly. Many participants in
the present study had specific objectives that they pursued in telling others, and they
tended to select their fora accordingly. Participants who wished to learn more about the
fate of their relatives tended to speak out more frequently and often preferred public fora.
Where cathartic aims were being pursued, they often preferred to tell their stories to
trusted individuals in safe and private environments.
Participants were also asked about the general response of others and the manner in
which others treated them upon learning about their loss. The participants’ responses
were once again somewhat divergent. One female participant from Mannar whose son
disappeared during the final stages of the war stated that ‘very few people have listened
to her stories with concern and care’. Another from Kilinochchi whose husband
disappeared after being captured by the security forces stated:
Wealthy people won’t listen to our stories. Even when we go to relatives, they
look at us as if we have come for another round of charity. As a result, we are
better off not visiting our relatives. We used to live prosperously, but now we are
in a helpless situation. Therefore, I try to live in a way that does not require the
charity of others.
By contrast, some participants noted the significant support and care offered to them by
their relatives and others within their respective communities. One participant observed
that many within their community who had lost relatives during the JVP insurrection
became much closer as a result of their mutual sharing of experiences. Another
participant from Mannar noted that others began to treat them and speak to them ‘kindly’
when they became aware of their loss.
The experiences of participants with respect to how they were received by others
therefore varied. Some participants found the practice greatly beneficial both from a
personal and societal point of view, while others found the practice at best unhelpful, and
at worst harmful. Thus the participants presented divergent views on the practice and
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