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FILM REVIEW<br />
GUY LODGE<br />
The Last<br />
Witch<br />
Hunter<br />
DIRECTOR: Breck Eisner<br />
STARRING: Vin Diesel, Elijah Wood, Rose Leslie<br />
PETER FETTERMAN<br />
GALLERY<br />
One of the trickier tasks<br />
Vin Diesel’s eponymous<br />
hero faces in “The Last<br />
Witch Hunter” is tracking<br />
a villain by his signature<br />
scent of “moldering crabapples” — a<br />
distinctive enough fragrance in its own<br />
right, but hard to separate from the<br />
generally funky aroma of decomposition<br />
that permeates Breck Eisner’s limp,<br />
lame-brained occult thriller. Too drab<br />
to succeed even as defiantly unvirtuous<br />
trash, this era-stradding tale of an<br />
immortal medieval warrior protecting<br />
modern-day New York from a Black<br />
Death reboot stifles Diesel’s rough-hewn<br />
charisma via a sludgy, impermeable<br />
oil spill of CGI effects. Despite a pre-<br />
Halloween release date, the pic is more<br />
gung-ho than gooseflesh-inclined in<br />
genre; either way, it’s unlikely to mint<br />
the franchise threatened by its eminently<br />
welcome ending.<br />
Commercially, given the extraordinary<br />
cultural impact of the “Fast and Furious”<br />
series, “The Last Witch Hunter” might<br />
expect to ride on Diesel fumes to an<br />
extent. Yet if its aim is to reposition him<br />
as a solo action star, this new vehicle<br />
doesn’t really play to his strengths,<br />
despite having been developed and coproduced<br />
by the actor himself. There’s<br />
little room here for Diesel’s lunkish, selfparodic<br />
streak of humor, and if it’s hard<br />
to buy the star as a 14th-century soldier of<br />
the Catholic Church, slaying sorceresses<br />
for 700 years without a wrinkle to show<br />
for it, the screenplay doesn’t make much<br />
of an effort to sell the idea.<br />
For starters, it’s uncertain where our<br />
noble witch-hunter, Kaulder, actually<br />
comes from: Based on scant evidence<br />
in the pre-credit prologue, let’s say it’s<br />
the little-remembered European land of<br />
Snowsylvania, though eight centuries<br />
has been long enough for him to adopt<br />
Diesel’s signature gravelly drawl. It’s<br />
probably unwise to demand more detailed<br />
a milieu from a film that claims the<br />
Black Death plague of 1346-53 was in fact<br />
foisted upon humanity by a vindictive<br />
FLAMING OUT Vin Diesel raises a sword in<br />
“The Last Witch Hunter.”<br />
Witch Queen (Julie Engelbrecht, or what’s<br />
left of her beneath a maggoty digital<br />
mask) bent on total human eradication.<br />
Luckily, Kaulder has our backs, wasting<br />
the Queen in a murky introductory battle.<br />
Not before she afflicts him with the curse<br />
of immortality, however, thus consigning<br />
him to a lonely life of winnowing out her<br />
mangy kind, haunted by the memory of<br />
his long-perished wife and daughter.<br />
In present-day Manhattan, he lives in<br />
relatively comfortable torment, accepting<br />
international witch-hunting assignments<br />
from a succession of priestly advisers<br />
known as Dolans. The latest of these,<br />
Dolan 36th, takes the jovial form of<br />
Michael Caine, who’s soon dispatched to<br />
his coffin in mysterious circumstances.<br />
The investigation plays out not unlike<br />
a super-sized episode of “Murder, She<br />
Wrote,” only with more shape-shifting<br />
ghouls and fire-strewn showdowns<br />
between good and evil.<br />
Diesel trudges dourly through the<br />
proceedings, practically expectorating<br />
dialogue that is, in fairness, pretty hard<br />
to play with. There are certainly enough<br />
dopey diversions for “The Last Witch<br />
Hunter” to be considerably more fun than<br />
it is, but even its most extravagant bouts<br />
of silliness are hampered by desultory<br />
plotting and Eisner’s oppressively<br />
synthetic mise-en-scene.<br />
CREDITS: A Summit<br />
Entertainment (in U•S•)/<br />
Entertainment One (in U•K•)<br />
release of a Mark Canton,<br />
One Race Films, Goldmann<br />
Pictures production in<br />
association with Tik Films.<br />
PRODUCED BY Mark Canton,<br />
Vin Diesel, Bernie Goldmann.<br />
EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS,<br />
Adam Goldworm, Samantha<br />
Vincent, Ric Kidney, Qiyun<br />
Long. CO-PRODUCERS, Jon<br />
Hoeber, Erich Hoeber.<br />
DIRECTED BY Breck Eisner.<br />
SCREENPLAY, Cory Goodman,<br />
Matt Sazama, Burk Sharpless.<br />
REVIEWED AT Dolby Screening<br />
Room, London, Oct. 19, 2015.<br />
MPAA RATING: PG-13. RUNNING<br />
TIME: 106 MIN.<br />
CAST: Vin Diesel, Elijah<br />
Wood, Rose Leslie, Julie<br />
Engelbrecht, Michael Caine,<br />
Olafur Darri Olafsson, Isaach<br />
De Bankole, Rena Owen,<br />
Joseph Gilgun, Dawn Oliveri,<br />
Lotte Verbeek<br />
Herman Leonard. Frank Sinatra, Monte Carlo. 1958.<br />
©Estate of Herman Leonard<br />
FRANK SINATRA<br />
AUDREY HEPBURN<br />
A LIFE IN PICTURES<br />
November 1 - February 6<br />
Dennis Stock. Audrey Hepburn. 1954.<br />
©Estate of Dennis Stock/Magnum Photos<br />
Special Gala Opening<br />
Sunday, November 1 from 2 - 6pm<br />
RSVP Essential: info@peterfetterman.com<br />
www.PeterFetterman.com<br />
2525 Michigan Ave. #A1 | Santa Monica, CA 90404<br />
310.453.6463 | info@peterfetterman.com<br />
Final Cut<br />
113
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