Windsor Independent - January 2016

ASK
SPENNY
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send Spenny your dire
questions about love,
relationships, and life at:
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My husband keeps asking me to stimulate
his prostate when we’re making love. I’ve
told him I’m uncomfortable with it, but he
keeps insisting. How do I become more
comfortable with doing this?
Not that it matters, but I don’t know what
exactly the prostate is. However, I do know
two things about it: 1. When massaged in a
sexual context it can lead to an extremely
pleasurable orgasm. And 2. It can get cancer.
The rest are details we need not be
concerned with for this conundrum. (The
cancer aspect will be addressed in my Cancer
with Spenny column, which I’m having trouble
getting published.)
Okay. So, hubby wants his prostate
massaged. I get it. He wants a more
powerful orgasm. Who doesn’t? But, you’re
“uncomfortable”. Off the top, let’s deal with
the brown elephant in the room. My guess
is you feel grossed-out by the geography
that needs to be navigated for this move to
be effective. Understandable, but you’re
married. I would think your marriage vows at
least indirectly covered this, right?
Look, you may otherwise think you’re a stellar
lover, but if you’re attempting monogamy, do
you really think you’re going to get away with
not going to places you’re uncomfortable
with in order to keep an interesting sex life?
Look, poop is gross. Sure there are some
people out there who are turned on by
doody, but they’re a minority, and let’s not
judge them. They have enough shit to deal
with.
Most of us have poop issues. But, thankfully,
there are ways to mitigate the general
poopiness. Rubber gloves and anal douching
come to mind. I get that having to use prep
gear might break the mood, but isn’t he
worth it? I don’t know him, so maybe the
bum isn’t? (Get it?) But if he is worth it, get
the gear, and give your betrothed an orgasm
he can tell his buddies at the pub about
during the next Leaf game.
In short, there’s no way you will get 100%
comfortable with this if you have doody
issues. But, you can be prepared. And
remember, it’s a two way street. Make him
do something he’s uncomfortable with...
like taking you out to dinner, or having a
conversation. It’s only fair. If he refuses, and
you’re upset, simply add some tabasco sauce
to his next prostate massage. Believe me,
he’ll get the message. Don’t ask me another
question EVER AGAIN!
What are your thoughts on the
“friend zone”?
The “Single Bullet Theory” was initially MY
theory, and it had nothing to do with the
assassination of JFK. It had to do with what
modernity has called the “friend zone.”
(BTW, the single bullet theory is not to be
taken literally unless you live in Chicago.) The
theory is an analogy to help you decide if
hitting on your friend is a good idea.
As usual there is a lot at play here:
Attractiveness, potential sexual dexterity,
mutual kink compatibility index (MKCI), genital
hygiene, etc...
For clarity, let’s imagine your friend passes
the above list with flying colours. At that
point, you must decide if the risk of losing the
friendship outweighs the desire to bang your
pal. It brings into question what exactly a
friend is. I can tell you what a friend is to me.
Perhaps it will resonate. A friend is someone
who is loyal, willing to pick you up a the
airport, will help you move, will thoughtfully
listen to your whining, will keep secrets, will
HONESTLY assess your dating/lovemaking
skills, will tell you when you have a booger
in your nose and will NOT lend you money
--counter-intuitive, but important to keep a
friend.
If your friend does all of that for you, DO
NOT TRY FOR SEX. If your friend won’t do
ALL of that, take a chance, knowing that
poor performance and/or giving them an
STD could result in a humiliating end to the
friendship.
But, if you both dig the sex, and start a love
relationship, please remember that marriage
will eventually ruin the friendship. As we have
learned, there are many ways of losing a
friends, so unless it’s the real deal, you might
as well get laid.
22 JANUARY 2016 Vol. 04 | Issue 01