Glamour USA - September 2016

Life / The Provocateur
n
It’s Time to Rethink the
Engagement Ring
Jordan Carlos has a proposal: Stop expecting a guy to lay out major
cash to put a shiny bauble on your finger.
ine years ago I was saddled with a
dilemma. My now-wife, Alina, and I
wanted to level-up our relationship,
but there was a problem. One of us
was broke, and that one of us was me.
As a struggling comedian, I could barely pay my rent,
and I certainly couldn’t afford a proper engagement ring.
The conventional wisdom is that a man should spend at
least three months’ salary on a ring (to show how much
he loves her!). But I was living gig to gig, with oceans of
time between paychecks. Three months’ salary for me
could be…nothing. “I know you don’t have a lot of
money,” Alina would say, acknowledging the
situation. “But my coworker has this gorgeous
engagement ring…. Never mind, it’s
fine.” It was definitely not fine.
Up until that point, Alina and I had had
what we considered to be a very modern, progressive
relationship—we split almost
everything, from gas to rent to vacations,
and we listened to so much
NPR, you guys! But suddenly I
felt thrust into the shopworn
role of provider with little to no
conversation.
I was able to muster up
enough scratch for a ring. I think
I may have spent all the money I
had—about $1,600, which is, of
course, peanuts when it comes to
diamonds. But no matter what a
guy can afford in that situation, he
often feels it’s inadequate. For many
of my male friends and family, buying
an engagement ring meant taking a second
or third job, assuming serious credit card debt,
even borrowing from parents. (Now that’s romantic.)
I actually started to question myself on a deeper level: Can
I buy her the things she needs in life? Why don’t I make
more money? And finally, Why can’t she pay for this too?
Here’s the thing: Getting married is supposed to be
a happy occasion, one that brings a couple closer in a
barn and/or tent along with some friends and everyone
Ice Is Nice
But if he can’t
afford it, Carlos
argues, back off.
drinks out of mason jars. The whole make-him-buy-youan-
engagement-ring thing may be traditional, but the
tradition it’s based on is practically medieval, viewing
women as property or a prize to be won. Today spark,
chemistry, and passion are what really bind people
together, not a $10K bauble. It’s time for a disruption.
Now, I know this idea might not be popular with everyone.
“Suck it up!” I can hear some of you say. But starting
a marriage in debt doesn’t seem like a solid foundation to
me. A few tips I’d propose instead:
1. No more dreams on credit. Either accept a ring
your mate can pay for in cash, or chip in to make
it happen yourself. (In cash!) If your relationship
can’t weather living with what your
partner can afford, you’re in for choppy seas.
2. Stop keeping score. When you’re old and
gray, I guarantee the final analysis of your
marriage won’t be “If only the engagement
ring were bigger, we would have truly
been happy.” Trust me. Time passes,
and things like mortgages, vacations,
and how many times you’ll
let your daughter watch effing
Frozen will knock the ring out of
your top-priority list.
3. Do it together. After paying
for the engagement ring, I
finally broke down and admitted
to Alina that I didn’t have the
money to buy her a wedding band.
So we bought one together at a little
antiques shop for $985. We went
halfsies, and I felt I was sharing the
load with my best friend, which is how
marriage should feel.
Don’t worry: Over the years I have bought
my wife more jewelry. I pull in a bigger (and regular)
paycheck now, and in any good relationship, you buy your
partner stuff he or she likes. Alina just happens to like diamonds.
But more than that, I know she likes me.
Jordan Carlos is a writer and performer on The Nightly
Show With Larry Wilmore on Comedy Central.
CARLOS: MTV/MTV2. RING: KWIAT.COM
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