Feb2016

HUMOR
by Victoria Landis
Chocolate Does the Trick
But Watch Out for Stray Ear Hairs
Gentlemen, if you wish to enhance
the likelihood of a lusty Valentine’s
canoodling, pay attention.
While long-stemmed red roses are the
cliché classic, you can do better. Add
chocolate. You know we love it. “But
wait,” you say, “I do give her chocolates,
and the canoodling, if I can get any, is
iffy at best.”
Well, if you’ve done the check list of
pre-date tasks (helpfully listed below),
and you haven’t recently compared
her unfavorably to your mother or an
ex-girlfriend, then your problem is you
bought cheapo, drugstore-bargain
chocolate. You might as well have given
her a bottle of sewer water instead of
perfume. Listen now and take notes.
There is a valid and scientific reason
to give chocolate to your sweetie on
Valentine’s Day. Women react to and
crave chocolate more than men do. I
dare say we crave it in lieu of men at
times. Science has discovered why. It has
theobromine and phenylethylamine in it,
and apparently females are more sensitive
to them. But what the heck are those
things, you ask? Trust me, while I did do
the arduous research, the explanations
and reasons are complicated and pretty
much boring enough to be an effective
anesthetic. I fell asleep while reading
what I printed out. Twice.
Simply accept the
miracle I’m
sharing.
They call phenylethylamine
the “Love Drug.”
I’ve seen three different
spellings for it — even
the experts can’t stay
awake long enough to
get it right or agree with
each other.
(Obviously, neither they nor I had the
sense to eat chocolate while tackling
this.) And no matter which way I type it,
my dear friend Bill Gates (Word) tells me
I’ve got it wrong. I also don’t know how
to pronounce it. So I’m nicknaming it
Penny-Ethel. No wonder nobody reports
on this. It’s way too tedious, and all
anyone really cares about is eating the
end results. Because of Penny-Ethel, a
man’s chances of getting some serious
loving on Valentine’s Day are much better.
Penny-Ethel is a dopamine booster.
Makes her feel euphoric and excited.
Couple that with the caffeine-like effects
of the theobromine and before you can
say melt in your mouth, your honey will
melt into your arms.
Here’s the catch. (There’s always a
catch.) You have to open the wallet
and spring for the good stuff. Cheapo
chocolate just won’t work. The higher the
quality of the cacao, the more magical
the Penny-Ethel in it. It is worth searching
out the best — chocolate made from the
Criollo variety in Venezuela is the ultimate.
Another catch is you must attend
to your personal
grooming. Get a close
shave. And for God’s
sake, trim those
nasty, wiry, out-ofcontrol
nose, ear, and
eyebrow hairs. Take
a shower. Use deodorant.
Brush and floss your
teeth. Don’t eat garlic that day. Wear
unwrinkled, clean clothing with no rips or
stains. I know, I know — what a pain in
the patookie. But a crinkled 2-inch hair
protruding from your ear is enough to
make us run scared — after snagging the
chocolate, of course.
Unfortunately, there is yet one more
catch. One I didn’t know existed until a
friend pointed it out. To get lucky, you
have to do everything else right, too, if
you believe what you see on television.
Or rather, what she’s seen on television.
Everything. Like choosing the right
flowers, making a dinner reservation at
the right restaurant, wearing the right
clothes, smelling of the right aftershave,
and so on. None of that ever seemed to
matter to anyone in real life that I knew,
but I’ve come to learn after many years
that we — where I grew up — were
not, in fact, hip. So tiptoe over those
eggshells, boys, and increase your odds
with my chocolate advice.
Or — dump the high-maintenance
chick with the attitude and addiction to
crappy television, and find one who’ll
be thrilled you thought of her. It is a
made-up holiday, after all. (But you still
have to pluck. Sorry.) P
36
FEBRUARY 2016