BY: MEGHAN FEIR <strong>The</strong>re she is. <strong>The</strong> woman you've dreamed about, the woman you love with your entire being, and you know for certain that a life spent without her is the last thing you’d like to imagine. You have the ring, now you just need to plan how you’ll propose, besides asking the age-old question, "Will you marry me?" I have an adequate record of helping men out with their proposals if you count my one win out of one attempt. I personally do. <strong>The</strong> man just happened to be my brother, and I was honored to help orchestrate such an important event in his life. I even went incognito by wearing a wig and dressing as a stereotypical college art student as I secretly snapped photos from behind a book. My inward paparazzi was pleased. Read on, heed my advice and trust me, like my happily married brother did. Stop right there: Methods to avoid • Unless she appreciates the stereotypical and is obsessed with baseball, don't take a "Circle me, Burt" kind of approach. • If you’d like her to go in for more dental work, you could always bake a cupcake with the ring in it and watch as she simultaneously bites into pain, excitement and your proposed future together. She might still say yes. • Proposing at a restaurant is outdated and unimaginative and makes you look like you’re in it for the show. Plus, you may be caught proposing with black pepper stuck between your front teeth. • If your sweetie is shy and hates having a lot of attention drawn toward her, don’t make her feel like a spectacle when you ask. She may feel embarrassed and pressured. • Does your darling like to make a big production out of blowing her nose or eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? <strong>The</strong>n make sure there are more witnesses than your cat present for the proposal. Heed my advice • If you Google "ways in which to propose," you’ll get an endless array of picture-perfect proposals that belong on Pinterest or a Hallmark movie. <strong>Life</strong> isn't perfect, and if something goes amiss during the proposal, don’t sweat it (depending on the severity of the mishap). It's not the end of the world and will probably make it more endearing to her. • If you simply Google “propose,” you’ll undoubtedly get a list of definitions and equally simpleton, step-by-step instructions by wikiHow that hold your hand through buying her flowers, chocolate and getting down on one knee. You should already know all of that. • If you have organizational problems, don’t make the proposal too complicated. You’ll forget at least five things, like the ring. • Don’t be boring. Go to some effort. Be romantic. It really isn’t that difficult. If you have potato chip crumbs on a sweatshirt and are sitting on a couch, that is not the time to pop any question, besides, “Now what should we watch?” or “When should we start working out again?” • Tell her why you want to spend the rest of your life with her and don’t include answers such as “because I can’t cook,” “because I’d be lonely without you,” “because you’re hot,” and “because we’ve been together so long.” Take a few moments to peel back the onion layers of your soul to not only produce a fountain of tears but a tenderized heart. Tell her why you find her irreplaceable. Before you propose to anyone, make sure you aren’t just hoping she’ll sign a legal contract to satisfy your needs and desires (‘til death do you part) and to produce offspring. <strong>The</strong> healthiest marriages are always produced by people who are ready to sacrifice for one another; by people who realize it takes hard work and consideration to keep the friendship and romance alive; by people who regularly put their partner’s interests ahead of their own; by people who show through word and deed that their spouse is appreciated, respected and loved every day of the year. Do you want to protect her, even if you know she’s strong? Do you want to provide for her, even if she’s more than capable of doing so for her own sake? Do you want to love and cherish her, no matter the circumstance or time in life? Are you willing to grow old with her, through thick and thin? <strong>The</strong>n congratulations, sir; you have my blessing (‘cause you needed that). ■ 28
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