Test export for contributors5

CANTA
C E L B R A T I N G C A N T E R B U R Y S T U D E N T C U L T U R E
HOW TO STUDENT | P G 1 2
5 ANONYMOUS WOMEN TALK
ABOUT: TINDER | PG 18
DR ROD’S 90K | PG 174
I S S U E O N E – 1 7 T H F E B 2 0 1 7
THE
WELCOME
BACK ISSUE

02
If your car
or laptop got
stolen, how
would you
pay for it?
Start a crowdfunding campaign
Become a free range
chicken farmer
Dig for treasure
Beg your parents
Sell protein powder
Avoid all this with
Young Drivers and
Renters insurance,
and save heaps.
Win the lottery
Find a pot of gold
Call us on 0800 100 200 or visit
ami.co.nz to find out about our
student multisaver offer.
Terms and Conditions apply
COLENSO0287
AMI0287_Student-MultiSaver_Canta_FP_180x248_V3.indd Issue 1.
1
2/02/17 9:47 AM

03
CONTENTS
06 NEWS
You know, that stuff your grandparents read
18 INVESTIGATIVE FEATURE
Understanding Christchurch’s new Local Alcohol Ban
08 WELCOME TO THE UCSA
YOUR students’ association
21 5 ANONYMOUS WOMEN
T his issue’s topic: Tinder
11 UC CLUB PROFILES
Spotlighting some of UC’s most interesting clubs
22 CANTA COLUMNS
Thoughts and opinions from your fellow students
12 HOW TO STUDENT
Vital information for freshers and seniors alike.
24 ANTI-SOCIAL
Your snaps & chats
14 CRITICAL ANALYSIS
A look into Vice Chancellor Rod Carr’s 90k payday
26 RDU GIG-GUIDE
All the info you need to plan your perfect week
16 FLAT FAMOUS
Featuring local bastions of student life
29 LUCKY DIP
We sent two single students on a blind-date. The
results were... interesting
Editor’s Note
How do you do, fellow kids? If you’re new
to UC and CANTA, this is how CANTA has
always been. We’ve always been this good.
If you know I am lying, you’ll notice a new
look for CANTA with some new features.
It’s a fancy new face on a very tight,
sinewy, 87 year old body. Lets have
a milkshake sometime, sonny.
I’m new too - I like like long walks on the
beach, being blocked by c-list celebs on
Twitter and avoiding my voicemail. Hi!
In summary CANTA is great. Everyone
comments on how great our magazine is,
and let me tell you, there’s no problem
with our magazine. Everyone agrees we
have a fantastic magazine. There’s no
problem with our magazine, believe me...
Send me emails, letters and comments.
Also send chicken nuggets with ranch
dressing because they’re on T-Pain’s rider
for O-Week.
Joshua
Week 1

04
Letters to the Editor
EMAIL LETTERS@CANTA.CO.NZ |

This is for the writer who submitted the
letter re: women’s fashion choices and a
specific sex act. I’m not publishing you to
give you a platform, but I will say...
05
You just hypersexualised a piece of
jewelery. WELL DONE.
Also, well done on showing
everyone you are a misogynist who
won’t let women exist without
objectifying them. It’s an innocuous
fashion choice...just like your pissy
satin boxers. Calm down. – Editor
Hi Canta
Over the break I encountered what
can only be described as a makeshift
sleeping area on campus and I’m pretty
sure someone was living there! There
was a sleeping bag and stuff, some cans
of food and a candle in a tin. Could you
please print this letter so I can attempt to
contact that person? I just want to offer a
couch or hot shower or something.
My email is . Can Canta
act as a go between for communication
for this?
Thanks, Concerned Anon
Hi Anon, we can do that for you.
This is a timely reminder for our
students. We have advocacy and
welfare support in place – contact
help@usca.org.nz or studentcare@
canterbury.ac.nz.
We’ve emailed Anon for more
specific details and will make sure
this situation is followed up.
– CANTA
At Eyes on the Road, our philosophy
focuses on coaching our learner driver to
become the best driver they can be. We
achieve this by adapting our coaching style
to suit each individual student.
We train our students in a dual controlled
automatic Suzuki Swift with a security
camera installed.
Dear CANTA,
I hear that Rod Carr is now getting
paid around $650,000 a year to run this
university.
This begs the question: how do you make
someone your sugar daddy?
XX Steve
03 314 8247 | 027 247 0110 | info@eotr.co.nz
Contact: Graeme Dalley
Keep your hands off our Rod, Steve.
– CANTA
Week 1. 1

06
LOCAL news
BE THE CHANGE
SVA’s ‘The Big Give’
Student Volunteer Army was founded
after the September 2010 Christchurch
earthquake, when over 11000 UC
students became involved in city wide
clean-up and support. While this disaster
period has now passed the SVA continues
to play an important role within the
community, providing assistance to those
in need, supporting community groups
and projects, and encouraging students
to volunteer. CANTA caught up with Jared
from SVA.
Can you tell us what SVA is working
on currently?
At the moment the SVA is working on the
biggest volunteering event we’ve held in
the past 5 years, it’s called the Big Give
and will involve taking 1000 students out
to volunteer in Christchurch’s Eastern
suburbs.
That sounds like a lot of work!
Yeah definitely, but it’s totally worth
it. Southshore, our event location, was
hit pretty hard during the earthquakes.
Hundreds of houses had to be
demolished and families that may have
lived in the area for several generations
were forced from their homes. Adding
insult to injury, the community there are
now facing uncertainty over implications
from rising sea levels. So we thought
we’d get stuck in and give them a hand
up, and have a bit of fun whilst doing it.
Seems that Southshore could use a
hand, what’s the plan?
So on the 4th March the SVA is planning
this massive volunteering day, called
the Big Give. It will involve a range of
activities from a coastal clean-up, to
repairing several damaged beach access
ways, restoring walking tracks and
clearing away invasive plant species, as
well as creating a brand new picnic area
in the Southshore reserve
Okay, so how would you convince a
more reluctant volunteer?
We’ve got some cool things planned,
so you’ll get more out of it than just
the warm fuzzies. We are setting up a
stage out amongst the dunes and will be
getting a few local bands to play during
the afternoon, once the volunteering is
done. The SVA is also providing a free
BBQ lunch and you’ll even get an SVA
T-shirt for your efforts. Plus, nothing
makes a jug of Foundry Draught taste
better than doing a few hours of
volunteering.
Looks like you’ve hit the nail on the
head with this one, any last words?
Jump on the old Facebook and track
down our SVA Big Give event page if you
need any more information, then tell
your mates about it and let them know
what an absolute hoot of a day it will be.
The SVA Exec and I can’t wait to see you
there!
UC Takes Top Spot in
University Challenge
The University of Canterbury (UC) team has won New Zealand
academia’s top trivia quiz show, University Challenge for the
second year since the show returned to New Zealand screens in
2014.
The UC team, team captain Stewart Alexander (PhD student
in Chemistry), Liam Boardman (studying for a BA in History
and Political Science), Catherine O’Donnell-Jackways (BA Law),
Alexander Amies (PhD student in Mechanical Engineering) and
Jack Hayes (studying for a BA in History and Japanese) won by a
convincing 210 – 90 over the University of Waikato team in the
final which aired on Prime on Saturday 21 January.
Going into the final the UC team were cautious of their
opponent, Mr Alexander says.
“Waikato was strong all season and pulled off a huge comeback
in their semi-final, so we knew we were never going to be in for
an easy game.”
He attributes their final win to some “aggressive buzzing and a
little bit of luck with the questions”, but it was their broad base
of knowledge in areas of engineering, history, political science,
geography, law, pop culture, sport, history of science and
chemistry which helped the team to a number of convincing
wins over the other seven New Zealand University teams
(Otago, Lincoln, Victoria, Massey, Waikato, AUT and Auckland)
throughout the series.
UP
DOWN
Building a Tiny House to live in while
you’re a student at UC- seriously, Google
it! Kinda makes you wish you got out of
bed before 3pm at least once over the
holidays...
www.myunidays.com - discounts off
retailers like ASOS, Apple, The Iconic and
GHD. Think of it as a GoldCard but you’re
not 75 years old
H&M and Zara opening in the CBD soon.
Choice = good. Ethical product chain =
bad bad bad
Every single app having messaging
...Snapchat is just a thread of me saying
‘Wait, what did I say?’
The music at Chiltons... every day is a TBT
by the sounds of it
Massive payrises (ahem)
Leavers Jerseys. See this edition’s
cartoon; no one cares.
Being clamped on campus in January....
someone out there needs a firm
backhand

INTERNATIONAL news
07
BAD! Milo
This story will totally surprise you; a
college grant program for white males
that is now taking applications is being
blasted as fanning white nationalism
Breitbart News senior editor and
all round douchebag Twitter troll,
Milo Yiannopoulos announced the
‘Yiannopoulos Privilege Grant’. The
program, which is funded by the
right-wing provocateur and private
donors, began taking applications on
Tuesday, Breitbart reports.
Princeton University professor Eddie
Glaude Jr. said the program was part of
“a white nationalist agenda clearly and
unapologetically.”
I can barely type the rest due to my
Olympic level eye rolling, so Google it if
you want to ruin your day a little more.
Good luck Milo, you are better as a hot
malty drink that puts me to sleep.
Harvard’s Free Online
12-Module Digital
Photo Course
Want to learn photography from
Harvard? (Yes, that Harvard.) It turns out
you can easily do so, even without being
a student. The oldest institution of higher
learning in the United States offers a free
12-module online digital photography
class as part of Harvard’s Open Learning
Initiative.
The 12 modules of the course will take an
average student about 10 to 15 hours to
complete, and they teach a wide range of
topics in digital photography, including
exposure settings, reading histograms,
learning about light, how sensors and
lenses work, and how to post-processing
photos.
All you need to know is on this
very dodgy and not very
Harvard sounding website:
http://digitalphotography.exposed/
GIANT CAT IS GOING
TO KILL EVERYONE
(maybe)
Oaklands College in Britain potentially
has a giant cat roaming around it’s
campus, according to eyewitnesses. The
animal was described as a large sandy
coloured cat with a long tail, and it was
seen between 8-9pm on January 25.
One resident said she had spotted a
‘huge cat’ in the area at the weekend,
adding: ‘It was huge, with a big swishing
tale. I got back in my car and drove off as
fast as I could.’
Oakland College is a rural campus, with
a large animal section where students
learn how to care for larger animals such
as calves, pigs, goats and alpacas. There
is also a working sheep farm there.
Thomas Ellis, 32, said: ‘If I was a big cat,
the animal pens at Oaklands would be
top of my list - an easy meal.’
Pigeons don’t look so bad now, do they,
3 MARCH, 7PM | $15
NZI Foyer, Christchurch Art Gallery
Book now at christchurchartgallery.org.nz
#chchartgallery
Week 1

08
WELCOME TO
THE UCSA
Kia Ora UC students, welcome to 2017 – it sure is going to be a
blast.
Your Exec are located right at the entrance to UCSA offices in the
Undercroft. Come on in and say hi!
“So what does the Exec actually do?” I hear you ask. In summary, it
can be split into three parts.
GOVERNANCE: The Executive (made up of 12-elected students)
is the governing body of the association and the equivalent of a
Board of Directors or Trustees. As President I am chairperson of
the Executive/Board meetings. Governance is there to monitor
performance, give direction, and to hold management to account
- essentially to ensure that the UCSA is operating for students.
Executive Committee Meetings occur every fortnight during termtime.
REPRESENTATION: The second part of the role is being
a student representative at a UC level. The Executive sit on a
range of college and UC committee bodies. e.g. Jackson White
(Engineering Rep) sits on Engineering Faculty; and Engineering
sub-committees including Health & Safety, special matters, and
Academic Reviews. All major college matters then go to Academic
Board which Emily and I sit on. The Academic Board then reports
to University Council (governing body of UC), of which I am
member of.
SPECIAL PROJECTS: The above results in a lot of talking on
strategy and governance. While all exciting for a student that
hasn’t been exposed to that before, it can sometimes feel like you
aren’t getting your hands dirty, hence why we also have a special
projects fund. The project fund is for Exec members who have an
idea or project on campus that they are passionate about, and
directly benefits students. The Exec member is provided resources
and assistance from UCSA staff to implement the project. Stay
tuned for what is in the pipeline for this year! The President’s
role is full-time, VP and Finance are part-time (approx. 20 hours),
and other Exec positions are part-time (approx. 10 hours during
academic year). Hopefully that helps!
James Addington
President
Harry Beaumont
Law Rep
Laura Robinson
Education Rep
Chanuka De Silva
Commerce Rep
Emily Barker
Vice-President
Hana Mereraiha
Te Akatoki Rep
Sam Brosnahan
Equity & Wellbeing Rep
Josh Proctor
Finance Officer
James Addington
UCSA President
Thomas Gillman
Post-grad Rep
Jackson White
Engineering Rep
Ron Park
Arts Rep
Riley Brosnahan
Science Rep
Issue 1.

09
Get organised!
Professional & affordable
document binding
The Copy Centre
Walk up printing and binding service
Puaka-James Hight Library undercroft
Monday to Friday 9am to 4pm
copycentre@canterbury.ac.nz
Week 1
DMED5401

10
Club Stuff
club promoter
All the best club events you’d be a fool to miss
CLUB: Student Volunteer Army (SVA)
EVENT: SVA Big Give
DATE/TIME: Saturday 4 March,
9am-4pm
LOCATION: South New Brighton
PRICE: Free!
CLUB: CUBA
EVENT: Lake Day
DATE/TIME: Sunday 26 Feb,
12pm-4pm
LOCATION: Lake Rua
PRICE: Free!
CLUB: UC PSYC
EVENT: Sex quiz
DATE/TIME: Tuesday 21 February,
7pm-late
LOCATION: The Foundry
PRICE: Free!
CLUB: Backyard Cricket Society (BYCSOC)
EVENT: Backyard Cricket Tournament and Afterparty
DATE/TIME: Monday 20 February, 4pm-1am
LOCATION: The Foundry
PRICE: $12 tournament & Afterparty, $10 Afterparty
This is sure to be the event of the year with the brilliant guys from the
Alternative Commentary Collective, free snags and spot prizes to be won all
afternoon.
With the support of the Foundry providing you cheap beers and Thirstbat
giving us the perfect BYC fusion vessel, we are going to provide you with your
freshest day in O-Week! And once the cricket stops...the party starts!!!
BYC have got you sorted for a wicket night of partying that’ll leave you
stumped for days!
Issue 1.

11
CLUB PROmoter
Profiling some of the newest, most mysterious and interesting clubs around
Clubs Stuff
CUTC
Canterbury University
Tramping Club
Tramping (verb) - tramp-ing
The art of walking carrying double
the amount of gear necessary, half the
distance planned in twice the time it
should take.
Whether you’re into tramping, easy
mountaineering, rogaining, conservation,
partying in the bush (or all of the above),
CUTC is the club to join. We’re one of
the largest sports clubs on campus with
most members being students, staff,
recent grads and other young outdoor
enthusiasts.
Joining the club has great benefits: regular
meetings, instruction courses, discounts
at outdoor stores, convenient gear hire,
FMC membership and more.
To join, visit our website cutc.org.nz
or come see us at Clubs Day!
Key Events:
Bushcraft: The Bushcraft course is the
perfect introduction to tramping skills,
such as navigation and river crossings, for
those new(ish) to tramping and camping.
TWA LK: An epic, 24 hour orienteering
event celebrating its 50th birthday
this year. It is split into five legs, each
around 15-20 kilometres long. Each
leg has around 10 - 20 controls, which
competitors will have find with the help
of cryptic clues. Expect to see elaborate
costumes and shenanigans galore.
Bush Ball: A ball in the bush! This is a
fantastic tradition that is not to be missed!
There will be music, drinks and general
craziness. Will you volunteer to carry the
keg?
Snowcraft: These courses are by far one
of biggest events on the CUTC instruction
calendar. A basic knowledge of snow skills
allows you to get into mountaineering
and significantly improves your tramping
opportunities.
坎 特 伯 雷 大 学 中 国 学 生 学 者 联 谊 会 是 坎
特 伯 雷 大 学 相 对 年 轻 的 一 个 国 际 社 团 。
得 力 于 新 西 兰 当 地 对 文 化 多 样 性 的 重 视
和 包 容 , 我 们 UCCSSS 能 够 通 过 开 展 一 系
列 的 活 动 来 推 广 博 大 精 深 的 中 国 文 化 , 也
使 得 更 多 的 国 际 友 人 了 解 当 代 中 国 的 真 实
面 貌 。
通 过 在 坎 特 伯 雷 大 学 组 织 策 划 活 动 的 各 种
经 验 积 累 , 我 们 发 现 有 许 多 当 地 同 学 和 朋
友 对 中 国 传 统 文 化 非 常 感 兴 趣 , 并 且 他 们
渴 望 了 解 与 此 相 关 的 更 多 知 识 。 他 们 经 常
自 愿 地 帮 助 我 们 , 还 会 介 绍 他 们 的 朋 友 来
参 加 我 们 的 活 动 。 坎 特 伯 雷 大 学 是 一 个 拥
有 多 元 文 化 背 景 的 学 校 , 它 提 供 了 一 个 很
好 的 平 台 让 大 家 有 机 会 进 行 深 入 、 广 泛 地
交 流 。 而 这 些 交 流 沟 通 不 仅 仅 能 帮 助 我 们
推 广 中 国 文 化 , 还 促 使 各 国 同 学 加 深 对 彼
此 的 了 解 。 我 们 非 常 荣 幸 能 成 为 坎 特 伯 雷
大 学 国 际 社 团 中 的 一 员 。
大 多 数 的 留 学 生 ( 特 别 是 母 语 非 英 语 的 同
学 ) 在 来 到 国 外 后 通 常 需 要 一 定 的 时 间 去
UCCSSS
University of Canterbury
Chinese Students &
Scholars Society
适 应 当 地 的 新 生 活 。 之 前 , 他 们 说 不 一 样
的 语 言 , 拥 有 不 一 样 的 兴 趣 爱 好 , 成 长 于
不 同 的 家 庭 教 育 环 境 。 对 于 初 次 离 开 祖 国
的 他 们 来 说 , 难 免 会 在 生 活 方 面 感 受 到 种
种 不 便 。 我 们 社 团 非 常 重 视 这 些 问 题 。 作
为 坎 特 伯 雷 大 学 大 家 族 的 一 员 , 我 们 致 力
于 帮 助 中 国 留 学 生 解 决 各 种 问 题 , 使 他 们
能 尽 快 适 应 在 新 西 兰 的 学 习 生 活 。
如 果 你 在 坎 特 伯 雷 大 学 就 读 并 注 册 成 为
UCCSSS 的 会 员 , 就 能 在 我 们 举 办 的 中 秋
晚 会 上 享 用 到 美 味 可 口 的 手 工 月 饼 , 还 可
以 在 歌 唱 比 赛 中 一 展 歌 喉 。 希 望 你 能 通 过
参 加 UCCSSS 组 织 的 诸 多 活 动 认 识 到 更
多 的 朋 友 。 如 果 你 是 今 年 的 新 生 , 欢 迎 参
加 UCCSSS 在 2 月 25 日 举 办 的 迎 新 派 对
活 动 , 地 点 在 图 书 馆 James Height 底 层
的 Undercroft 101 室 , 我 们 热 忱 期 待 你
的 到 来 。
Submit your club to be featured in CANTA | < 300 WORDS | 3x PICS |canta.editor@gmail.com
Week 1

How to: poop
There’s no denying that the Undercroft toilets are silent.This
silence reaches peak morgue capacity. You can hear your hair
and nails growing.
This poses the question; how can I pinch off a loaf when I am
presented with CIA grade torture level silence? What is there at
my disposal, when I am at my most vulnerable; a human organic
fax machine, spitting out lolly cake without the lollies
CANTA has a few solutions. Consider these simple steps bandaids
for your social anxiety. It’s a clear nail polish to gloss over the fact
that EVERYBODY POOPS BUT NO ONE LIKES TO BE REMINDED OF
IT.
So here we go: the unofficial guide to Pooping Like No-One Is
Listening.
Step one. Pooping on a schedule like a guide dog.
Plan your emissions. Survey toilet traffic. Avoid post-meal times.
Think of your own body and it’s sluggish cogs... we all know you
don’t eat enough fibre. You’re a student! You eat refined white
things! Chances are most people around you are in the same
boat. High traffic times are estimated at 1 hour post meal time.
You’ve also got supplies to mop up any type of issue. Wet
wipes, hand sanitiser, rosary beads, some tissues. I’d tell
you to relax, but you’re reading an article on how to poop.
Step two: choose your weapon.
Your weapon = toilet stall. Surveys have indicated that the first stall
you see as you walk in is the least used stall and therefore the least
germ ridden, but fuck that. You need the furtherest stall from the
door. I didn’t say you’d be clean, I said you’d be privately pooing.
Step three: Push it. Push it real good.
There’s no time for smartphones. Hang up your bag, and get to
work. Lay a moderate amount of toilet paper down. It will be
whatever your sweaty anxious hands can grasp. This layer avoids
the ploink TM people KNOW the ploink, and they will IDENTIFY
the ploink as a CODE BROWN.
Step four: be at one with your surroundings
Know this: the paper dispensers are out to get you. Accept this, as
it’s never going to change. The Undercroft toilets have notoriously
thin TP and you will not have any success in gaining anything
larger than a sim card for cleaning up your balloon knot. But you
thought of this, didn’t you?! See STEP ONE. Organisation. Being at
one with your surroundings means listening for additions to your
audience. You could end up in here for hours. Did you bring a book?
Step five: Bravery in the face of poop-ocalypse
You’re done. Poo-Elvis has left the butt-building. So far? No noise.
Don’t cry at this point. Try not to have a victorious poo cackle.
Bowel Buddy has hopefully moved on, and it’s your chance to be
brave and show your filthy, disgusting face. Flush, pause, wait. GO.
Step six: rinse your shame
I don’t need to tell you what you’re doing here. More than 30 seconds
on the wash AND the same for drying. You have a minute, so use
it wisely. Keep your head down. You no longer own this space.
Anyone can come in at any point, so avoid eyes. Avoid life basically.
Step seven: follow through (no, not that kind)
Leave with confidence and pace. People who left a cable the size
of a doughy baguette do not follow this prescription. They skulk.
Avoid the skulk. You are a sanitised, waste free member of UC.
Walk fast, on the way anywhere but a loo. Eye contact can resume
approx 25 minutes post incidence or 3.5km from said toilet.
By Josh Brosnahan
Use wet wipes sparingly. I know
you’ve seen the video of the
iceberg of shit laminated wetwipes
bobbing around in an English
sewer. Be somewhat mindful of
this happening here at UC and
it running as front page news on
st**f.co.nz.
TOP TIPS
Apparently pooping with your knees
up slightly works wonders. It aligns
your unmentionable back passage to
that of our savage ancestors.
Check out ‘Just A Drop - Natural
Toilet Odor Eliminator’ you put a
drop (JUST A DROP) in the toilet
before you drop a deuce. Apparently
it masks all smells perfectly.
15 valuable mls. Dr. Oz swears by it
apparently... gross.
Issue 1.

13
How to: cure a hangover
S
pend the evening in charming
company. Drink cheap beer and
expensive whisky and cider from
Sweden. Solve all the worlds problems.
Dance in your chairs. Tell each other all
your stories until you run out and have
to tell all of your secrets. Laugh until you
cry and leave before you get thrown out.
The radio will play your songs all the way
home.
Fall into bed in your clothes. Sleep
soundly for two hours and then fitfully
for another two. Be unable to get back
to sleep after 6am. Using only one eye,
check your horoscope from your phone.
Make sure to cross-reference it with
the Person You Have a Crush On’s to
see if today will bode well for positive
vibrations between you. This will also
enable you to feel closer to them in the
likely event that you are not speaking/
they do not know you exist. Feel free to
assume a more preferable horoscope if
yours is no good. It is important not to
dwell on things when you are in your
condition. Get the hell out of bed.
It is critical that you ignore
your hangover at this stage.
Any attention given to it will
only increase its power.
This phase is called ‘Action’. Clean your
kitchen with great focus. This will serve
you later in the day when your hangover
evolves. Only when your kitchen is
spotless should you allow yourself pause,
albeit briefly, to swear and hold your
face in your hands and vow never again.
Now snap out of it. Make an enormous
cup of very sweet tea and wait until it is
lukewarm before drinking it. Your body
will be very sensitive to liquids at this
stage, so you need something nonthreatening.
DO NOT SIT DOWN. If you
stop moving in these early stages you
will never get up again. Think of your
constant action as penance for poisoning
your temple.
It is now very important that you
go and swim in a very cold ocean.
Make it happen. March in with great
determination. Do not pussyfoot around.
The hardest part will be
submerging your bits – this will
be unpleasant but it will take
your mind off your hangover.
Get your head under. What you are
doing here is confusing your body into
not knowing which of the horrors it is
experiencing is worse. The cold or the
hangover. The cold will win, I promise.
The longer you are able to stay in the
freezing water, the less hungover you
will feel. This is science. When your body
is pleasantly numb exit the water. Again,
it is important that you do not stop yet.
Drink the entire bottle of water you have
brought with you and drive directly to
the supermarket in your togs.
Do your grocery shopping. Productivity is
the perfect thing for you in this state. The
key to this, again, is DO NOT STOP.
You are a perfect, unfeeling
robot of efficiency right now.
Keep it moving.
The next phase is called ‘Peckish’. Once
you have finished your grocery shopping,
reward yourself with a very cold coke
with lots of ice. It is important to keep
your body thoroughly chilled. This will
not only serve in assisting you to burn
off all the calories of the alcohol you
consumed, it will keep you at maximum
freshness. By this stage of your hangover
you will be ready to eat something. Keep
in mind however, that once you begin
eating today, you will not be able to stop.
You will get stuck in that endless quest
for the food item or product that will fix
you. No such thing exists. Bake a cake.
Eat a huge meal. Eat a tiny meal. Have a
snack. Eat an orange. None of this will
fulfil you. But it is part of the process.
Now you are in the final phase; ‘Reward’.
You got up…and cleaned your kitchen!
You went swimming…in the ocean! You
went and did the groceries…on a Sunday
morning! All with a raging hangover!
You are so good! Look at you! You are a
saint. You are now In Credit. Send a few
messages you’d usually regret…if you
weren’t so virtuous! Eat the entire cake
STUDENT HACKS
• Buy tortillas. Use
tortillas as plates. Eat
plates. Wash nothing.
• Strategically place
single M&Ms on your
textbook, at the end
of each paragraph. Eat
once you’ve read the
paragraph as a reward.
Addtional bonus: never
sleep again!
• Purchase a small McDs
fries. Eat half and return
them, stating they’re
cold. You’ll gain a fresh,
full bag of fries. They
know what you’re doing
but who cares.
• Put a blue ink cartridge
in a red pen. No one ever
steals a red pen.
• Microwave broken? Put
your saveloys in the jug
and boil it. You can use
the sauce you pocketed
from McDs, you fries
fraudster.
you baked…because you have exercised!
Make an elaborate dinner…because you
did the groceries! And finally collapse in
a heap…because you haven’t stopped
all day!
Try it out and report back your findings.
Good luck and good livers.
By Alice Andersen
www.ourtinylandscapes.com
How to Student
Week 1

14
Dr. Rod' s 90k
Canta’s look at the Vice-Chancellor’s big pay-day
V
ice Chancellor Dr Rod Carr has received a $90,001 pay
increase for the 2016 financial year, according to the
State Services Commission’s Senior Pay Report. With a
portion of that increase - $31,000 - explained as a back payment
for the 2014-15 financial year.
Carr’s salary had a steady increase from between $550,000 and
$559,999 in 2014-2015 to $650,000-$659,000 in the financial year
to June 2016
Carr is now the second-highest earning New Zealand Vice-
Chancellor, second only to Auckland University’s Stuart
McCutcheon who earned $719,999 in 2016.
Who is Dr Rod Carr?
His work within the community is prominent, particularly
post-earthquakes with “building remediation and transformation
which saw the University for a considerable period
spending $2 million a week across more than 12 building sites,
and substantially advancing a $1.2 billion Capital Works programme,”
said Field.
Due to the major damage to UC buildings, a huge marketing
campaign was put in place to bring back enrolment numbers,
which had plummeted after the quakes; the campaign resulted
in near pre-earthquake numbers in 2016, that met agreed
Government targets.
What is a Vice Chancellor?
The best way to describe the role would be similar to a CEO.
According to Jeff Field UC Registrar, The Vice-Chancellor is
the employer of all staff and is responsible for all aspects of
management of the University. A Vice-Chancellor is in charge of
reporting directly to the University Council, and the Chancellor.
Typically the Vice-Chancellor would attend ceremonial
procedures such as graduation. They often offer leadership,
academic assistance, and ensure the financial base, aims and
objectives of the university are carried out effectively. The role
requires Dr Rod Carr to be on call at all times, except when on
annual leave.
UC’s Collective Employment
Agreement document found that
UC academic staff, received
only a 1% increase each year
from 2015-17. Whereas Carr’s
increase was that of about 20%
within those years.
Issue 1.

15
Dr. Rod’s CV
– previously worked for Bank of New Zealand
and National Australia Bank.
– previously Managing Director of Jade
Software Corporation Ltd
– 5 years at the Reserve Bank as a Director
and Deputy Governor
– undergraduate honours degrees in Law
and Economics from the University of Otago
– MBA in Money and Financial Markets
from Columbia University
– MA in Applied Economics and Managerial
Science
– a PhD in Insurance and Risk Management
from the Wharton School, University of
Pennsylvania.
– Trustee of the Christchurch Earthquake
Appeal Trust
Let’s spend
$90,000:
• 2 average NZ salaries
• 14 years of study
• 9TB of internet
at the UC halls of
residence
• 257 student parking
permits for 2016
Critical Analysis
The money:
The commission justified the increase as reflecting Carr’s raised
responsibilities since the 2011 Canterbury earthquake.
Yet there were also nation-wide increases to other, similar roles
within tertiary institutions. This increase and its reasoning were
supported by a spokesperson for the academic institution.
External individuals within the public, are sceptical in regarding
the increase as justified.
The raise sparked outrage among staff and students, with
criticism in particular directed at the size of the increase – at
$90,001, almost twice the median Kiwi income according to
Statistic New Zealand data.
• Over 35,000 bus
rides
• 514 weeks of student
allowance
• 45,000 $2 rice/
noodles at the Hot
Wok.
Carr’s new salary pushes him more than $200,000 – or 4.5 median
wage workers - above even the Prime Minister’s earnings. When
John Key resigned in 2016 he was earning $448,569 including a
4% pay rise.
Carr’s remuneration on the other hand was set by the University
Council’s Vice-Chancellor Employment Committee, to include
employer superannuation contributions and an at-risk
component based on performance.
By Sarah Jadallah
• Over 81,000 sheets
of printing
• 36,000 1KG bags of
rice.
• 180 years of
textbooks (@ $500
per year)
Sources available – canta@canta.co.nz
Week 1

16
FLAT FAMOUS
WHO’S WHO
–
C o u r t n e y : blonde and
rambunctious, she’ll say yo ho ho to
a bottle of rum every day, especially
Tuesdays. She really is a Dancing
Queen, as she is the current President
of UCanDance 2017.
A n g u s : AKA The Court Jester. At
nearly 10 feet tall (6’9” ) he’s one of
a kind, and keeps us laughing as he
repeatedly knocks his head on the
abnormally low doorways.
M o r g a n : a tree hugger in the
making who, after a few too many
shots, often starts actually hugging
the trees, and then peeing behind
t hem.
The first FLAT FAMOUS for 2017 has a 70s mansion in The
Walking Dead kinda vibe, even with a zombie flatmate on the
couch who literally didn’t move for the entire photoshoot.
The highlights for us were Lunar the flat bunny, and the second
story window ledge covered in hundreds of bottle tops.
Here’s what Morgan had to say:
‘Our flat is really more of a palace in the making than a student home. We
all have been thinking about how lucky we are that we get to live like kings
for the next year.
Not only does our flat boast a leaky glass terrace, but it also can fit in 10
people.
The minuscule living room ensures that we will not freeze over winter,
because we will all need to sit on top of each other to fit. Body heat will
protect us against those harsh Christchurch winds. Of course, we have to
choose between paying the rent or paying for power, and candles add
ambiance to the chipped-paint walls.
The best feature of our flat is the tub, which can seat up to 4 people.
Perfect for those winter bromances’.
To become FLAT FAMOUS, send your pitch to:
canta.editor@gmail.com
You could win heaps of free shit!
Flat couple Kevin and S***a:
the latter not wanting to be involved
in the photoshoot because she has a
‘reputation to uphold’. NO GROCERY
VOUCHER FOR YOU!

18
CANTA
INVESTIGATES
– THE LOCAL ALCOHOL POLICY –
C
hristchurch declared to the world that it had a bold
new vision mid last year. It’s time to ‘transform
Christchurch into an edgy 21st century city with a
difference’. Edgy. That’ll be us moving forward says the Council.
Aside from the self-defeating nature of declaring yourself edgy,
it was nice to see this. At least they were kind of doing something
to temper the domination of the rebuild by pale male walking
corpses.
But this was in stark contrast to the proposals being made to
adjust Christchurch’s alcohol legislation. Anyone outside a small
inner-city area would be unable to sell alcohol after 1am. Edgy.
The Final Provisional Local Alcohol Policy will introduce a
range of other changes too. You won’t be able to buy booze at
supermarkets or liquor stores after 10pm. One-way door policies
will be imposed on a discretionary basis.
The new policy will limit the hours of many current
establishments outside 3am zone. It was venues in these areas
that led the post-quake hospitality revival. The City Council
applauds such establishments. In the same report that they
announced their edge, they proudly noted that ‘vibrant nightlife
precincts have emerged in Addington, Riccarton, Victoria Street
and Merivale’. The new Policy will almost certainly lead to some
of these venues closing, or at least becoming a little less vibrant.
Making it impossible for anyone in Christchurch to get a drink at
1:30am unless they mission it into the city is grievous in itself. A
person living in Hornby or Lyttleton should be able to have a few
late-night pints without incurring an offensively expensive taxi.
So who is leading the charge against late closing times? The usual
suspects feature—The Police and the CDHB are sure to submit
vociferously in opposition to anything and everything. Another
force is that there isn’t much overlap between people who like
to be on the lash at 3am and people who vote in local body
elections; Councillors want to please their voter base.
Decrepit white retirees who have a fetish for seeing their names
on page four of The Press also factor. Serial whingers Victoria
Neighbourhood Association are especially noxious. Wowsersin-chief
Bob and Marjorie Manthei have dedicated their golden
years to furiously NIMBYing, trying to ensure that no fun is had
past their bedtime in what has emerged as perhaps the only
alternative to St Asaph.
Thankfully the Council has chosen to largely ignore the
Association’s death rattles, changing the proposed policy so that
much of Victoria Street will be in Area A (3am closing) and giving
the rest (including The Carlton) a three-year 3am grace period
before the 1am limit kicks in. Long live The Bog.
The Police, CDHB, and co. object on the usual grounds of
reducing alcohol harm. We should, of course, expect these
organisations to advocate for harm reduction. Alcohol-fuelled
violence, crashes, and crime are a scourge. Likewise the pressure
alcohol related medical incidents puts on the healthcare system.
But I am not at all convinced that the changes put forward in
the Provisional Local Alcohol Policy will reduce alcohol related
harm. New Zealand has a serious drinking culture, and it’s a little
optimistic to think that making town a bit more shit will even
make a dent.
Young people tend to be the biggest drinkers and the biggest
dickheads. We drink more, fight more, crash more, get
hospitalised more. But, overwhelmingly, this harm does not
happen in town. It happens at house parties. While it’s a bit of a
charade—‘Yeah just a couple of beers tonight mate’—the reality
is that it’s harder to get seriously, dangerously blitzed when
Issue 1.

19
you’re heading out to town. Having a taccy in the Empire loos
isn’t by any means rare, but it’s less common and less harmful
than conking out in a bush at a flat party where no one can see
you.
Establishments have their business on the line if they serve
intoxicated people. Anyone approaching alcohol poisoning
levels will be evicted and/or taken care of. Emergency services
are nearby. Any fights in or near clubs will be dealt with quickly
before they can escalate. Checkpoints abound, and taxis and
Ubers are easier to get. Through bouncers, bartenders, and
Police, town is a supervised place.
None of this applies for flat parties.
Young Cantabrians will drink—a lot—regardless of how
good town is. What the quality and accessibility of late-night
establishments does affect is whether people will get fairly
fucked and go to town, or spend the night at flat parties and get
dangerously fucked. Anyone serious about alcohol related harm
reduction should be a strong advocate for vibrant, accessible,
well-run, and fun nightlife. Providing an attractive alternative will
reduce alcohol related harm.
Slashing people’s nights short will have negative consequences
too.
is a statement that fun of that sort is not allowed. In many places
around the world, nightlife is a central part of being a young
person, and that’s something that the Council seems determined
for us to miss out on.
Letting residents have a good time is a mandate of all councils.
It can often seem, however, that young people serve as second
class citizens in this respect. Certain kinds of fun for certain kinds
of people. Yes, we should have family friendly events all around
the city. But a 2am pint in Addington? Outrageous. Glassy retail
quadrants, not clubs. Vegetable markets, not raves.
It makes sense that boring old white people’s interests are salient
in the rebuild. These are the people that have the influence,
the money, the power. Take a look at the people in charge of
the rebuild, and you’ll see a trend. Politicians, public servants,
investors, business leaders—all old, usually white and male too.
This is justified—the old bit that is—we want people with
experience in charge. But the unavoidable side effect of this
is that young people’s interests will be overlooked. Stronger
efforts must be made to enfranchise young people in the rebuild
process, to hear and act on what they want. Restrictive alcohol
policy is only one part of this lack of meaningful consultation. If
the process isn’t fixed, then our city will be filled with sanitised
street art and stale bars.
Investigative Feature
Wednesday night at The Craic. A few hundred drunk people
having an arguably good time. Two endings:
By Matt Amos
Option A: Lights on, everyone out. Now there are a couple
hundred drunk people on Riccarton Road who are a bit pissed off
that their night was cut short.
Option B: People keep singing and sifting until they want to
leave. The crowd dribbles out and heads for Hunger Busters over
a few hours.
The Police and the CDHB seem convinced that Option A is the
better one here. This will almost certainly become a reality later
this year. To me it sounds like a great way to fuel trouble.
From student and University perspectives, a quality and diverse
nightlife is important. Not many of you reading this came to
UC because of Christchurch’s renowned party scene. Being a
more attractive student destination is incredibly beneficial for a
university. If Christchurch was a more exciting place, then more
people would want to study here.
The same applies for young people in general. Being a place
where young professionals want to be is a boon to any city.
Currently there’s a definite flight of graduates to Wellington and
Auckland. The Council needs to make this an attractive place to
live as a young professional. Part of that is a flourishing nightlife.
Everyone wins when there are educated, energetic people to fill
and create jobs.
There are plenty of other reasons to want a decent nightlife too.
For one, it’s a hell of a lot of fun. A good night out on Courtenay
or in the Octagon is fucking great, and restrictive alcohol policy
Current
regulations
7am – 11pm off-license hours.
–
3am on-licenses available
in many areas, including
Riccarton.
–
Casino and hotels exempt.
New
regulations
7am-10pm off-license hours.
–
3am licenses only available in
certain areas of the
central city.
1am licenses available in all
other areas of Christchurch.
Victoria Street between
Salisbury Street and Carlton
Corner given a 3-year 3am
grace period.
–
4am Night-club licenses
available if venue opens after
5pm and earns less than 70%
of their revenue from food
and booze.
–
Casino and hotels exempt.
Week 1

20
UC PGSA Research Spotlight
Shining a light on the work of UC post-grads.
This could be you one day!
Sustainable
Development
in the Pacific
This week we talked to Thomas Gillman, who you may recognise
as your post graduate representative in the UCSA, about his
PhD research on Sustainable Development Methodologies.
Thomas’ research focuses on the gap between humanitarian and
development aid in relation to climate change and how Smaller
Island States in the Pacific are challenged by the fundamental
issue of aid effectiveness; specifically capacity, coordination,
monitoring and evaluation, leaving the question how can access
to aid funding be expedited in the current volatile geopolitical
environment?
tackles a whole range of issues in developing countries, aiming to
eradicate poverty, inequality and exclusion.
After completing his PhD, he plans to take some time off while
working on other projects “I would really like to write some
poetry. A mate, who is a photographer, and I would like to put
together a short book with pictures and poems talking about
the PhD pathway and process. The first poem will be titled, “A
balance between Do-Bro’s and scribbling, the perfect amount for
effective writing”. From here it would take a slightly more serious
turn and explore how the research impacts the world which we
are connected to and engage with, and the lives of those on both
sides of the text. We are open for others to add to this book, so if
you got some awesome texts let us know.“
If you would like to learn more about Thomas’s research or the
UNDP, email thomas.gillman@pg.canterbury.org.nz.
.
Confused? So was I. So we asked Thomas to simply the topic.
“Broadly speaking this research explores the power dynamics
that govern our current world system”. Thomas chuckles and
adds, “Unsure how many people will stop reading now, but no
stress”. He continues, “Our world is defined by the perceptions
and demands of those with power and if we do not engage
with this critically then it is very difficult for those who live on
the margins of this power to have a strong input into the global
agenda. Aid is often utilised as a foreign policy tool by countries
and so it can also be understood as a tool of influence. Thus,
there is a need to explore the way in which aid is implemented
and dispersed in order to question the current power dynamics.”
With an undergraduate background in a Bachelor of Arts in
English and History (with some Philosophy thrown in), his
research is based here at UC and will involve future field work in
the Pacific Islands and Europe.
“Those BA’s can get people places!”
Thomas was inspired to undertake his PhD while living in Samoa,
working for the United Nations Development Programme
(UNDP). The UNDP is a division of the United Nations which
Issue 1.
Contact us – info@canterburypgsa.org.nz

21
5 anonymous women
CANTA randomly selected 5 women and gave them a
topic, wine, food and a dictaphone, and slowly backed
away... here’s an insight into the minds of 5 anonymous
women and their thoughts on this issue’s topic: Tinder.
Tinder horror stories:
“My friend met her long term boyfriend on Tinder. After a year
she found out he was hooking up with this really gross chick
on Tinder. She lost her shit at him and their relationship went
downhill from there.”
“Wait, he was still on Tinder?”
“Yeah.. apparently he was lonely, or something”
*collective groan*
“You get to try before you buy”
“One night I was serving a family at a restaurant I worked at, and I
matched with the son while they were sitting there”
“Oh my god, and then what?”
“ Surely he must have known!”
“He did! I’m picturing him in the back of the family stationwagon
furiously trying to find me before he got too far from the
restaurant.”
“I flat with a woman who lives vicariously though my Tinder. But
here’s the thing; she’s a teacher. She makes me match with the
old boys from her school that come up. She’s like, NO he’s a dick,
YES, oooh he’s lovely”.
“My friend met with this old guy and he paid her $600 just to
have coffee with him.”
“...That’s all?”
“So, like a sugar daddy without the commitment, AND you get
free coffee?”
“Yep, pretty much”.
“What’s in it for him?”
“Company I guess.”
“Expensive coffee” *laughs*
“ I know a guy who does that. He just pays this girl to come have
dinner with him because he has hardly any friends”
“It’s so weirdly innocent but I’d still feel so guilty!”
“If it was just conversation I would legitimately do that”
“Google it then!” *laughs*
“Guys clock Tinder like it’s a video game”
“My friend soley uses Tinder for free dinners.”
“WHAT? Seriously?!”
“She even keeps a diary of all the dates she goes on”
“How does she know the guy will pay though?”
“I guess... she just... I dunno? She’d pay, but I guess it’s just the
thrill of it”
“That’s terrible!” *laughing*
Mistakes people make on Tinder:
“Photographs surrounded by the opposite sex – I’m like, ‘ I’m not
competing with this bitch. Fuck that” laughs
“Profiles that say ‘I love getting on the piss’. This says nothing
about you. We want personal details!”
“I looked at my boyfriend and thought, ‘ just
based on his face... which way would I have
swiped?’”
“ Tinder parties where you invite everyone you’ve matched with”
“That’s a thing?!”
“Yep – but as a woman, would you turn up?”
“NO!” *laughs*
Tinder and age:
“When you change your age range to 55 and you see all these old
guys who have put their age range down to 20”.
*collective AHHHH!*
“There were like 45yos looking for 20yos on Tinder. It creeps me
out. I couldn’t do it.”
“I’ve never dated anyone younger than me apart from my current
boyfriend. If my Tinder wasn’t set to a lower age, I never would
have matched with him, so don’t discount the younger guys.”
“That’s a good point – maybe you’d miss out on people that can
be good matches for you.”
Week 1

22
CANTA COLUMNS
Submit your column to canta.editor@gmail.com
The F-word
Episode 1
Welcome to our column! In this space the
FemSoc exec will write about all things
feminist and what happens on campus
here at UC.
For this first one, we thought we’d start
with the most basic -- and maybe also the
hardest -- question about feminism:
What is feminism?
Feminism questions taken-for-granted
social notions that affect men, women,
trans-people, gay people, intersex
individuals, asexual people, racial &
religious groups etc. Feminism stands for
creating a more just society by critiquing
existing social structures that benefit
only a certain section of the society. For
instance, why are the suicide rates of men
so high? Why do young women fall into
eating disorders more than men?
Why do we need it at UC?
At FemSoc, we believe that UC should
be as equitable and safe a space as
possible -- and we think most people will
agree with us on that. Unfortunately like
on other campuses around the world,
sexism, racism, homophobia, transphobia
and other forms of oppression sometimes
happen on our campus as well. We would
like to open discussions on these issues
rather than hush them down so that we
can find solutions and work toward a
better, safer campus for all.
Cutting Out the
Middle-Man
By Ollie O’Connell
One of the seven holy sacraments,
reconciliation causes much discomfort
for the increasingly individualistic
Catholic youth of today. The concept
of telling your sins to a much older
man who you rarely know, is difficult
for privacy obsessed teenagers already
genetically determined to defy authority.
Why can’t they repent directly to God?
Throughout my Catholic education I was
persuaded, by either social pressure or
teacher’s encouragement, to partake in
the honest exercise. With acoustic music
playing in the background, and the smell
of incense in the air, tense students
one-by-one entered hidden rooms where
priests they had never met waited. It was
awkward. I didn’t want to do it.
Why can’t I confess in my bedroom? God
is omniscient; it is declared in both the
Old Testament – “Even before I speak,
you already know what I will say” (Psalms
139:4) – and the New Testament – “God
is greater than our conscience, and
he knows everything” (1 John 3:20).
Therefore, whether or not I’m truly
remorseful is already known by God,
and if he is infinitely benevolent, he
will forgive me regardless of a priest’s
participation in the process.
Biblical evidence supporting
reconciliation is weak. When James says,
“confess your sins to each other” (5:16),
the ‘other’ is never defined. Earlier in
John, when Jesus tells his disciples that
“If you forgive people’s sins, they are
forgiven” (20:23), he doesn’t specify that
this truth refers to all following priests.
The modern Catholic Church has a
perception problem among youth;
letting sinful children and blasphemous
teenagers to connect personally with
God at their own speed, during their own
time, in their own space, consequently
eliminating the middle-man, would help
bridge that gap.
Zimmer-frame
By Anon
I remember when I first arrived here and
I felt very alien – it didn’t help that I was
an older student, walking around with a
zimmerframe at the ripe old age of 26.
.The good thing is, no one cares. The bad
thing is, no one cares.
Sometimes this place is overwhelming.
It can be a lonely existence, where you
go through the motions, in and out of
lecture theatres and eating lunch alone.
In my opinion it’s nothing like any other
social construct we’re fed throughout life.
Uni really is a place where you need
to step out a little and do something
different.
It really helped me joining a society in my
first week in campus. To be honest, there
were only a few people I felt were normal
in my club but hey, I was out of my
comfort zone and meeting new people.
This might seem basic, but make sure you
attend tutorials too – it’s a chance to get
to a different level with other people.
At the end of it all, we’re all here for a
similar reason; higher level learning
and an outcome that betters our life.
That’s a good enough reason to make a
connection with someone!
Issue 1.

23
Hard yards
The UC Film Club put in the hours watching classic
‘must watch films’ so that you can pretend you’re cultured.
Movie details:
Inception (2010) by Christopher Nolan
Why should I pretend I’ve seen this film?
Because after you see the movie you
might question the validity of your
existence and everything around you.
What if life is a dream and reality is fake?
What if Leonardo DiCaprio and Tom
Hardy being in your wet dreams isn’t just
your subconscious?
One sentence sum up of the plot:
A ‘dream’ thief is forced to do the exact
opposite of what he does best; insert
dreams into Cillian Murphy’s perfectly
quoifed head instead of stealing them.
What makes this film a classic:
It is considered by some to be one of
the greatest neo noir films to have been
released of late. It didn’t receive universal
praise, because almost everyone doesn’t
understand it on the first watch – but you
still enjoy it. The concept of concentric
dreams turned out to be very alluring.
Give us some facts about this movie I can
impress someone with:
Christopher Nolan started writing the
movie’s script 16 years ago in 2001, and
sold it to Warner Brothers in 2009. If the
first two Batman movies that he directed
hadn’t been successful, this movie might
have never seen the light of the day.
Controversial or alternate theory on the
storyline:
Dom Cobb might have never woken up
from his sleep. He might have not died
either. This is actually a likelihood; Nolan
has been fucking with our minds since
2010. Some say that Dom Cobb from
Inception is actually Jack from Titanic,
thus the water motif. Those people are
stupid.
Upcoming TuneSoc Gigs
Wednesday 15 March, The Foundry: TuneSoc opening night.
See our Facebook page facebook.com/tunesoc/ for more details
3 MARCH, 7PM | $15
NZI Foyer, Christchurch Art Gallery
Book now at christchurchartgallery.org.nz
#chchartgallery
Week 1

24
ANTI SOCIAL
Sh*ttest Summer Job Winner:
Jimmy won with the below; a stirring poetic narrative about Santa on ice.
Not that kind of ice, though. He won $100 to pad out his minimum wage!
See the rest of his story on the CANTA Facebook page.
Issue 1.

25
If your car
or laptop got
stolen, how
would you
pay for it?
Start a crowdfunding campaign
Page Details
Become a free range
chicken farmer
Dig for treasure
Beg your parents
Sell protein powder
Avoid all this with
Young Drivers and
Renters insurance,
and save heaps.
Win the lottery
Find a pot of gold
Call us on 0800 100 200 or visit
ami.co.nz to find out about our
student multisaver offer.
Terms and Conditions apply
COLENSO0287
AMI0287_Student-MultiSaver_Canta_FP_180x248_V3.indd 1
2/02/17 9:47 AM
Week 1

GIG GUIDE
Wed 15th
–
Shannon
Söderlund
(Acoustic Show)
Live @ Orange
(1063c Ferry
Rd, Ferrymead.
Access via Kite
Lane)
Thu 16th
–
Nomad
@ MONO
–
–
The Restarts
@ darkroom
Fri 17th
–
Tan for Toga
@ The Foundry
–
Fresher Friday
@ The Foundry
Sat 18th
–
TOGA PARTY
–
Old Skool
@ Becks
Southern Ale
House
Mon 20th
–
BYC CRICKET
@ The Foundry
Tue 21st
–
Quiz night
@ The Foundry
Thu 23rd
–
Uberjak’d
@ The Cotton
Club
Fri 24th
–
Foam-Oh (All
ages)
@ The Foundry
Sat 25th
–
Dark Disco @
darkroom
–
Ultimate
Champion
Wrestling @
Cowles Stadium
Tue 2 8 th
–
Kid Ink
@ The Foundry
Wed 1st
–
Fresher Field
Trip
@ The Foundry
–
Engineers
without borders
Thu 2nd
–
Savage
@ MONO
Fri 3rd
–
Fresher Friday
@ The Foundry
This year TuneSoc (formerly the UC Music Club) is partnering with CANTA to bring
you Gig Reviews in CANTA. Across 2017 we’ll be bringing you reviews of albums,
gigs and university events. You’ll also get to learn more about what TuneSoc is up to.
Fat Freddy’s Drop – Queenstown:
Campbell Lauder, TuneSoc’s Vice President was down in
Queenstown early Feb for Fat Freddy’s Drop’s outdoor gig.
As we reach the grassy ridges of the Queenstown Cricket Oval,
the grounds are encompassed by the mountainous landscape
surrounding it – providing the most idyllic setting for an outdoor
concert. As the warmup acts finish up, Fat Freddy’s Drop begin to
play, with the seven-piece band providing a melodic symphony
of dub, funk and reggae, all culminating in a somewhat euphoric
trance where you just can’t stop dancing and skanking along.
Crowd favourites such as Blackbird and Roady are belted out by
the fan faithful, while new tunes such as Razor are mixed with dark,
and equally airy, clouds forming above to create an incredibly
surreal atmosphere for the remainder of the show. The family
friendly vibe which FFD possess is something to behold, with
young children being piggy-backed on their parents’ shoulders or
merely just sitting on a rug on the hillside listening to Joe Dukie’s
soulful voice echo out to The Remarkables. If you ever get the
chance to see FFD live in concert, then take the opportunity to do
so because they never disappoint #doitfortheloveofmusic
The Bats – Space Academy, Christchurch
Tom Dench, TuneSoc’s Secretary checked out The Bats gig in late
Jan.
When I heard that The Bats were playing a gig in Christchurch,
I was super excited on my parents’ behalf. One of the bands on
Flying Nun’s original roster, The Bats, along with label mates such
as Sneaky Feelings and The Chills, had dominated indie rock
playlists in the 1980s.
When the music started, it was pretty clear that a much of the
crowd were being taken back thirty years. The venue is a café
during the day, and in lieu of a stage, the band set up on the floor
in the corner in a way reminiscent of the DIY gigs of the past.
The image was finished perfectly with a curly haired bloke in
a windbreaker jacket dancing animatedly trying to impress his
date, in a way that reminded me of every NZ 80s music video,
albeit clutching a can of craft beer rather than draft ale. A groovy
throwback in a modern, trendy venue.
Upcoming TuneSoc Gigs
Wednesday 15 March, The Foundry: TuneSoc opening night.
See our Facebook page facebook.com/tunesoc/ for more details

27
The Foundry is
now open for 2017
and we have some
fantastic events
lined up for you
to kick off your
year at UC.
Tuesday night is QUIZ NIGHT at The Foundry. Get your team together
and come down for the best pub quiz in town. There are bar tabs to be won!
Wednesday is the night we call…. CHEESE NIGHT. Get in touch with your
inner cheeseball by singing a little karaoke, or having a go on the open mic.
Bad dress sense encouraged. Cheap drinks and free pool all night!
Every Thursday we have MONO NIGHTS at The Foundry. Come see Nomad
on the 16th of February for our first MONO of the year. Check out the MONO
Facebook page for more info.
In case you didn’t know, have some super sweet student only Foundry deals
if you use your V-Plate discount card. Pick a V-Plate up from any UCSA café or
bar, from our office, or in the O-bag. Register it online and let the deals roll in!
If you don’t want to bring your card to the pub, you download the UCSA
app and save your barcode to your phone.
See you soon!
Toby @ The Foundry
3 MARCH, 7PM | $15
NZI Foyer, Christchurch Art Gallery
Book now at christchurchartgallery.org.nz
#chchartgallery
Image: Henrietta Harris
Week 1

28
Page Details
If your car
or laptop got
stolen, how
would you
pay for it?
Start a crowdfunding campaign
Become a free range
chicken farmer
Dig for treasure
Beg your parents
Sell protein powder
Avoid all this with
Young Drivers and
Renters insurance,
and save heaps.
Win the lottery
Find a pot of gold
Call us on 0800 100 200 or visit
ami.co.nz to find out about our
student multisaver offer.
Terms and Conditions apply
COLENSO0287
Issue 1.
AMI0287_Student-MultiSaver_Canta_FP_180x248_V3.indd 1 2/02/17 9:47

LUCKY DIp
29
LUCKY DIP is CANTA’s brand new, totally not stolen blind date feature.
This is a chance for UC students to find love, lust, and more importantly free Italian food.
HOW IT WORKS: Two strangers, free dinner and drinks at Spags, and a written summary
from each person that we broadcast to the world.
ONE SIDE
The evening began with a few cheeky wines out on the
front deck with the gals, I knew it was a bit of a stitch up but
sometimes you’ve just got to put yourself out there.
Being the only single member of the family mum was thrilled
that her eldest daughter was finally now on the quest for love,
but if she had seen the drunken mess I was tripping out of
the car and arriving fifteen minutes late to the restaurant she
would not have been a happy lady.
My date screamed ‘lad’ from the get go, ordering the spiciest
food on the menu like he had a point to prove whilst spinning
some ridiculous yarn about how he only likes red wine, he was
oh so cultured. His effort at playing catch up was incredibly
subpar on the alcohol front and on hearing that
he was part of the intimate College House circle,
this did not surprise me at all. He managed
to slip in the conversation that he was 6 ft. 2
which not going to lie is a big point scorer for
me, however because words such as lit, fam,
breather and the phrase “stay scarfie” were
tossed around so much it almost wiped half a
foot off of his height.
There wasn’t a quiet moment as it seemed we were both
gifted with the ability to talk a ridiculous amount of shit,
and I was extremely impressed as it’s not often I come across
someone who talks more than I do. But then again, fuckboiz are
generally blessed with the gift of the gab. All in all was a laugh,
even though there are some patches I struggle to remember.
Just some sneaky parting words to the man of the evening.
Stay Humble x Cheers Canta!
THE OTHER SIDE
After a long hard day of getting swoll in the gym and tanning
my rig to perfection, I chucked on my best pair of stubbies to
see what this lovely broad had in store for me. After deleting a
significant amount of piss pre-date, I was sufficiently lubricated
and ready to give this a go.
Like the gentleman I am, I delivered myself to the restaurant
15 minutes early, just to make sure she wouldn’t have to wait
on her own (boyfriend material). The lass turned up around
10 minutes later, moist and ready for a night of activities. We
ordered a great feed, and I was thoroughly impressed by the
sheer amount of food she could consume, I was really starting
to get into this girl. However she wouldn’t budge. I used all my
best one liners including “you don’t look too shit tonight” and
“you can fit a lot in that mouth can’t you”, but
none of them helped me get to the next base.
In a moment of desperateness, I went to the
bathroom,
quickly got on tinder, swiped right to every
man and his dog, and effectively chatted some
fresher-to-be to pick me up. In a swift attempt
to avoid being seen, I popped out the back door,
left her the bill and continued to top the night off how every
lad dreams off - vomiting in the car and being told to piss off
you pervert. They say chivalry is dead, but I just think girls
need to lower their standards.
Submit yourself,
your sad flatmate
or some other
obsessive Tinderer
to The Gentlemen’s
Club
www.facebook.com/thegc.canterbury
CANTA CUPID SAYS:
Yeah, something isn’t adding up here. We
know for a fact the date was paid for, and
the guy was pushing 5’8 on a good day...
Maybe we’ll leave these two on their own
path to love, pre-loading and Italian food.
Keep swiping right, I guess!
Spagalimi’s UC special:
Eight sliced pizza for $8 for
takeaway or dine in.
374 Riccarton Rd, Upper Riccarton
Phone: 0800 113 113
AM

30
Page Details
UBS is one of NZ's
largest independent
bookstores, right
here on your campus
& WE ARE STUDENT
OWNED!
Visit UBS instore or online for...
• Text books (new & used) • Stationery
• General books • Metro Cards
• UC Branded Clothing & Stationery
• Gifts • Vouchers • Cards
PHONE
(03) 364 2043
EMAIL
ubs@ubscan.co.nz
www.ubscan.co.nz
To Ilam Rd
University Drive
Matariki
WE ARE HERE!
(COME & SAY HI)
James Hight
(Central
Library)
UBS is one of NZ's
largest independent
bookstores, right
here on your campus
& WE ARE STUDENT
OWNED!
Visit UBS instore or online for...
• Text books (new & used) • Stationery
• General books • Metro Cards
• UC Branded Clothing & Stationery
• Gifts • Vouchers • Cards
PHONE
(03) 364 2043
EMAIL
ubs@ubscan.co.nz
www.ubscan.co.nz
To Ilam Rd
University Drive
Matariki
WE ARE HERE!
(COME & SAY HI)
James Hight
(Central
Library)
Issue 1.

Procrastination
31
SUDOKU
420 THOUGHT OF THE DAY
W r e s t l i n g
is where
two people
w i t h n o
pants fight
over a belt
COLOUR ME IN
MEMORY LAME
Hi-5 were a notorious Australian drug cartel who held
inner Adelaide captive for nearly a decade. Hi-5 were easily
identified by their strong gang aesthetic and penchant for
pastel coloured assault rifles.
Their reign came to an abrupt end in 2009 when founding
member Candy-G turned her weapon on police during a
routine caravan check. This resulted in the deaths of all Hi-5
members and several of Adelaide’s carnival community.
Adelaide’s ban on pastels is still current to this day.
Week 1

032
Page Details
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