The Good Life – November-December 2017

Quoting “The Simpsons”
I remember my parents telling me that if they
ever caught me watching “The Simpsons”
they’d cancel our cable subscription. Today,
it’s probably rated as a family show, but in the
‘90s it was considered borderline obscene. So
when my wife caught herself quoting lines from
favorite episodes as teachable moments for our
2-year-old, it was a bit surreal.
“The doctor said you wouldn’t have so many
nosebleeds if you kept your finger outta there,”
she said to Macklin. Then, after having “MAMA!
MAMA!” shouted in my face about six times, I
found myself announcing, “I’m not your mother,
Ralph!”
See, mom? “The Simpsons” DO have redeeming
qualities!
Hot Meals Served Cold
Nobody but a parent digs out the cookbook,
makes a grocery list and slaves over a hot stove
only to immediately put that freshly prepared
delicacy into the freezer in order to serve it
cool to their starving son. Only in parenting land
does this make absolute sense. Think about it: if
you were at a dinner party and your host blew
on your plate of spaghetti as he brought it to
the table, you’d question everything for the
remainder of the evening.
If I were a single parent, Mack would be fed a
steady diet of cold cuts, gazpacho and yogurt.
The closest thing he’d get to a hot meal would
be microwaved popcorn.
Three Sets of Everything
If I went to the store and bought myself three
pairs of mittens, three sets of snowpants and
three pairs of boots (all identical, mind you),
I’d be diagnosable. For what, I’m not sure, but I
know that spending pattern isn’t normal. Unless
you’re shopping for a child who’s in daycare.
In that case, it’s perfectly acceptable to buy
multiples of everything, keeping one set at
home, one at daycare and a third in the diaper
bag along with every conceivable emergency
backup item you can think of. I’m pretty sure
there’s even a spare tire in there if you dig down
deep enough.
There, see? Me giving myself only hours to write
— when I legitimately had months — almost seems
practical when judged against the everyday
reality of a parent. Maybe I’ll write a song about
it… set to the tune of “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star”
and 42 other songs. •
urbantoadmedia.com / THE GOOD LIFE / 25