Floodgates.visual.6.FA

DUMC Stories
DUMC Stories
Learning
the way of the
CROSS
By Debbie Loh, PJN 3
I’m Debbie Loh and I’ve been in DUMC
since 2001. I came on-board the staff
team in 2012 running programmes
for the Citizens’ Network for a Better
Malaysia. I have moved to the Equip team
in October 2017, where I am now Equipping
Programme Administrator.
When it dawned on me in March 2017 that
cancer could be the reason for the slight
swell on my neck, I had a few reactions.
Among them was a prayer to God that
I did not want to be known as a “cancer
survivor”, who would be writing testimonies
like this one. It was not that I did not want
to write testimonies, I simply preferred to
be known for my accomplishments, not for
a sickness.
Instantly I realised that this was one of my
basest, unscripted thoughts, springing from
a place within me. The moment I said the
prayer, I saw the condition of my heart,
and the falseness of it. I realised that I had
a plan for my life, and it was to be some
kind of hero or champion. In the face of
a possible death sentence, I was more
worried about my reputation, and being
a “cancer survivor” would taint it.
As the secret thoughts of my heart were
made known to me, I realised the falseness
of my desire, and I surrendered myself to
the possibility of cancer. If that would help
me realise that my life was not my own, and
if it would push me closer to Christ, so be it.
The biopsy results came back, and
I reproduce this message I texted to my
closer friends and community in April 2017,
before my surgery:
“After a series of tests, it became clear that
I have papillary thyroid cancer, the least
aggressive of all cancers. What is needed
is to remove my thyroid gland, followed
by a radioactive iodine treatment, and daily
intake of thyroxin to make up for the loss of
the hormones produced by the gland. There
is no chemotherapy involved. It is highly
curable.
The outcome of the ultrasound has made
the possibility of cancer enter into my
personal world, and I have ruminated on
its implications personally with the Lord.
There was no better time than Good
Friday, meditating and somehow sharing
in the sufferings and death of our Lord. I
am thankful I am allowed to share in the
sufferings of the world too in a tiny way,
yet realising that my privilege allows me to
sail through with less stress. Compared with
the poor with less privilege in my situation,
what I will go through is less heavy.
I’m thankful it wasn’t a death sentence after
all and there are clear steps that I can take.
I am unhappy to say goodbye to my thyroid
gland, I will miss it.
Thankfully I can look forward to the
continuity of my relationships, work and
ministry and most of all, the present life on
this earth. I’m thankful to have good friends
in the medical profession advising me, and
church who looks out for me.”
I dived whole-heartedly into the experience
of learning about the sickness, surgery,
recovery, numerous hospital visits and
treatment. I also became fully immersed in
the emotions and confusion that came with
having a sickness. Examples of my struggles
were the loneliness and uncertainty of
entering the operating theatre and yielding
myself to the wisdom of the medical team;
catching up with a pregnant friend and
realising we were going to the hospital for
totally different reasons - new life for hers,
and sickness and death for mine; and worst
of all, the feeling of complete loss of control
over my life.
The surgery has left me without a thyroid
gland, which means that I need lifelong
medication. Just as God has laid His hand
of ownership on Israel through Jacob, so
He has laid His hand of ownership in my
life - “You are mine.” (Isaiah 43:1). Today,
my trips to collect my medication are trips
to remember my utter dependence on God.
I remember my vulnerability, my weakness
and my personal need to be in the presence
of God.
This experience has brought me closer
to the Cross - the Cross is how life is given
but first through a process of humiliation
which Christ has borne. And thus, the Cross
has opened up the cruciform way of life -
that in the humiliation of my broken plans,
a certain firmer and more genuine way of
life is forming.
As I re-evaluated my life, I began to be
able to see areas in my life that were false
and shallow - things that I did for my own
reputation, or a fear of missing out. I also
began to see areas in my life that were
genuine. I began the process of making
changes, being brave to let go of parts
of my life that were already dead, and
choosing instead the things that had life.
I reflected much on the love of God, and
realised how far I was from truly loving
Him and loving others.
In the Bible class that I co-teach (Bible 101),
I often point out that the biblical narrative
shows God to be holy, present and active.
At that point in my life, while I trusted Him
as holy and present in my life, I struggled
to see that He was active. In my moments
of desolation, I felt He only stood at
a distance, doing nothing to help me. Over
time, God showed me that He was active,
when things around me began to fall
into place as He helped me piece my life
together again. I saw, and I learned.
I learned that God is able to take what
is broken and sick, even dead, to breathe
into it new life. That is the way of the Cross.
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