08.16.18

PW OPINION PW NEWS PW LIFE PW ARTS
•ADVICE•
BY PATTI CARMALT-VENER
DON’T GIVE UP
IT TAKES TIME TO FIND THE RIGHT COUPLE’S THERAPIST
Dear Patti,
I’ve been seeing a therapist by myself for six months and have found it emotionally
insightful and very helpful. I knew my therapist worked with couples as well.
While my husband, Chris, and I definitely have a solid marriage, there are a few
issues that neither of us has been willing to change our rigid stances on or even
understand each other’s point of view. Nor have we been able to arrive at any kind
of reasonable compromises.
Recently Chris and I went to my therapist together for a counseling session. Not
only did he like her a lot but he also liked her therapeutic skill and the way she
worked with us. Unfortunately, he also felt she was immediately on my side and
decided that he didn’t want to go back to her. I didn’t view the session that way, but
I agreed to stop because I understood that the therapy wasn’t going to work if Chris
didn’t feel safe.
We saw a second therapist and Chris thought she was too intellectual and,
ironically, not as skilled as my therapist. Again, he does not want to go back. I see
his point of view, but I thought the second therapist was OK, and I would have been
willing to keep going. How can I know if Chris’s resistance is legitimate or if he is
just stalling, unwilling to listen to a third party and doesn’t really want to attend
joint therapy sessions with me?
— Bernadette
Dear Bernadette,
In order for your couple sessions to be most effective, both of you need to trust,
respect and like your counselor. You must also allow him or her to fulfill the role of
being an unbiased conduit between the two of you, helping you to better understand
one another. Both of you need to be willing to entrust this person with deep personal
feelings about yourselves and how you feel about each other.
Since it appears it’s more difficult for Chris to find the right therapist, maybe he
would like to take on the task himself of finding the right one. I’d suggest he interview
three to five therapists, a pursuit that can be done by phone. Along with standard questions
such as, “How many years have you been in practice?” and “What are your fees?”
he might also want to ask questions that are more open-ended such as, “How do you
typically work with couples and what are your therapeutic goals?” This might facilitate
more talking and helping Chris to make his decision.
Sometimes people will spend countless hours shopping for just the right pair of
shoes or seeking the perfect job or house but will often accept the first therapist that
comes along. A therapeutic relationship is a special one in which you’ll be working
together closely to explore and resolve your relationship issues. Because successful
outcomes are predicated on trust and rapport, it’s OK that Chris be discerning and not
rushed in this selection process.
It’s perfectly OK if your husband wants to try another therapist, but if he has already
agreed to go with you, it’s neither fair nor reasonable at this point to give up on counseling
completely. If Chris ends up feeling uncomfortable with the therapist he selects, I’d
recommend he discuss his reservations and concerns about this in therapy. If the problem
is with your husband and he’s transferring negative or critical thoughts and feelings
onto the therapist, this pattern will eventually be revealed through the therapeutic
process. This process is normal. Just don’t give up or allow Chris to give up, either.. n
Patti Carmalt-Vener, a faculty member with the Southern California Society for Intensive Short Term
Psychotherapy, is a psychotherapist in private practice with offices in Pasadena, Santa Monica and Canoga
Park. Contact her at (626) 584-8582 or email pcarmalt@aol.com. Visit her Web site, patticarmalt-vener.com.
08.16.18 | PASADENA WEEKLY 19