meta emotions emotional scripts

EMOTIONAL SCRIPTS
Gottman research-based Meta-Emotions meets Eric Berne’s Script theory.

Who are the Gottmans?

THE SOUND RELATIONSHIP HOUSE THEORY
Developed by John Gottman, Ph.D. and Julie Gottman, Ph.D.
Pioneers in relationship science, Drs. John and Julie Gottman have revolutionized our understanding of marriage,
relationships, and couples therapy. They draw upon four decades of breakthrough research with more than 3,000
couples. The Sound Relationship House Theory is the foundation of the Gottman Method, which uses a practical
approach to help couples break through barriers to achieve greater understanding, connection, and intimacy in
their relationships.
WHAT CAN YOU DO NOW TO MAKE
YOUR RELATIONSHIP WORK?
Build Love Maps
• Maintain awareness of your partner’s world
Share Fondness and Admiration
• Make deposits into the Emotional
Bank Account
Turn Towards Instead of Away
• Accept bids for emotional connection
The Positive Perspective
• A positive perspective occurs when the
friendship of your marriage is strong
Manage Conflict
• Accept influence from your partner: be
open to compromise
• Discuss your problems: take turns listening
to one another about perpetual issues
• Practice self-soothing: keep yourself calm
Make Life Dreams Come True
• Find ways to support each other’s life goals
and dreams
Create Shared Meaning
• Build a shared sense of purpose. What is
your mission and legacy?
WHAT ABOUT TRUST AND COMMITMENT?
5 ways to build trust, love, and loyalty in your relationship:
1. Make trustworthiness a main priority in your relationship
2. Act to maximize your partner’s well-being
3. Know that trust is built in small positive moments
4. Avoid negative comparisons
5. Generate frequent thoughts and acts that cherish your
partner’s positive qualities and minimize your focus on
their negative faults
The Gottman Relationship Checkup | 206-523-9042 | checkup.gottman.com | training@gottman.com

WHAT ARE LIFE SCRIPTS?
‘Each person decides in early childhood how they will live and how they will die and that
plan, which they carry in their head wherever they go, is called their script. The trivial
behavior may be decided by reason, but their important decisions are already made: what
kind of person they will marry, how many children they will have, what kind of bed they
will die in and who will be there when they do. It may not be what they want, but it is
what they want it to be.” -Eric Berne (“What Do You Do After Saying Hello?”, Pg 33)

WHAT ARE EMOTIONS?
Paul Ekman (most prominent emotion researcher) defines them
as “automatic appraising mechanisms that are
continually scanning the world around us, detecting
when something important to our welfare, to our
survival, is happening.”
(Book- “Emotions Revealed”, Chapter 1)

PAUL EKMAN AND
JERRY BOUCHER
• EMOTIONS ARE EXPERIENCED
ACROSS CULTURES
• LANGUAGE TO DESCRIBE EMOTIONS
MAY DEFER BUT THE BASIC
PROTOTYPES ARE THE SAME ACROSS
CULTURES
•

OTHER FACTS ABOUT
EMOTIONS
Emotions are physiological
Emotions have an evolutionary
function
Emotional expressions are shaped
by cultural rules
Fuzzy Box

META-EMOTIONS
“Broadly speaking, meta-emotion encompasses
both feelings and thoughts about emotion. According
to Gottman et al. (2006),[5] the term meta-emotion does not
merely refer to an individual's emotional reactions to his or her
own emotions, but refers also to the "executive functions of
emotion" (243). Greenberg (2002)[6] suggested that metaemotions
are to be considered a type of "secondary emotion", a
temporal concept in which a secondary emotion follows a
primary emotion. For example, anxiety (the secondary emotion)
may follow anger (the primary emotion).” (WIKIPEDIA)

EXAMPLE
Tears may quickly follow anger….In your groups,
discuss how this may occur for our clients.
Anxiety may quickly follow sadness… In your
groups, discuss how this may occur for our clients.
(6 Minute Discussion)

EMOTION DISMISSING
PARENTING
• Treats child’s feelings as unimportant, trivial
• Disengages from or ignores the child’s feelings
• Wants the child’s negative emotions to disappear quickly
• Sees the child’s emotions as a demand to fix things
• Minimizes the child’s feelings, downplaying the events
that led to the emotion
• Does not problem-solve with the child, believes that the
passage of time will resolve most problems

The Disapproving Parent
• Displays many of the Dismissing Parent’s behaviors,
but in a more negative way
• Judges and criticizes the child’s emotional expression
• Emphasizes conformity to good standards of behavior
• Believes negative emotions need to be controlled
• Believes emotions make people weak; children must
be emotionally tough for survival
• Believes negative emotions are unproductive, a waste
of time

Discount Feelings
Be Strong
Please Others
Don’t Feel
Don’t Be Important
Don’t Be You
Don’t Show
Don’t Exist

The Laissez-Faire Parent
• Freely accepts all emotional expression from the child
• Offers little guidance on behavior
• Does not set limits
• Believes there is little you can do about negative emotions other
than ride them out
• Does not help child solve problems
• Believes that managing negative emotions is a matter of hydraulics,
release the emotion and the work is done

Effects of this style on children:
They don’t learn to regulate their emotions. They have trouble
concentrating, forming friendships, and getting along with other
children.

Emotion Coach Parent
• Values the child’s negative emotions as an opportunity for intimacy
• Is aware of and values their own emotions
• Sees the world of negative emotions as an important arena for parenting
• Does not poke fun at or make light of the child’s negative feelings
• Does not say how the child should feel
• Uses emotional moments as a time to listen to the child, empathize with
soothing words and affection, help the child label the emotion he or she
is feeling, offer guidance on regulating emotions, set limits and teach
acceptable expression of emotions, and teach problem-solving skills.

Effects of this style on children:
They learn to trust their feelings, regulate their own emotions,
and solve problems. They have a high self-esteem, learn well,
and get alone well with others.

EMOTION REGULATION/
RELATIONSHIP SATISFACTION
https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-researchphysiological-and-affective-predictors-of-changein-relationship-satisfaction-part-ii/

PREDICTORS OF DIVORCE
CRITICISM
DEFENSIVENESS
CONTEMPT
STONEWALLING

FLOODING
• Heart-rate is over 80-100 beats per minute. Depending on how fit you are,
this may be lower. You can track your heart rate by checking your own
pulse and timing it with a clock or if you’re really motivated you can
purchase a heart monitor.
• Shallow breathing in the chest
• Muscles tightening
• Tongue rises to top of your mouth
• Looking away from partner with a desire to leave the scene
• Tunnel vision
• Drive to flight, fight or freeze.
• Unable to hear what your partner’s saying
• Impulsive responses
• A sense of overwhelm, of losing a sense boundaries or a sense that you’ve
lost control.

http://cherylleong.com/are-you-flooded-during-an-argument/
Imagine trying to manage conflict while doing an intense
cardiovascular workout or while escaping a dangerous situation.
Your nervous system is overwhelmed and is responding by driving
you to escape, shut down or fight the enemy. In other words your
problem solving higher-self is getting hijacked by the primal part of
your brain. Research shows that the central nervous system needs at
least 20-30 minutes to return to a state of equilibrium. You might
need more time, if you have a history of trauma or other conditions.
If you have had a few drinks or used other substances, this may also
get more challenging.

CONFLICT STYLES
Volitile (FC)
Conflict Avoidant (AC, A)
Validating (NP, FC)

The purpose of this discussion is to discover how your partner
“feels” and “thinks” about feelings. The ultimate goal is to
develop an agreement and manage expectations around how
both of you want to manage feelings in the relationship. Your
beliefs about emotion management could be different or
similar, either way this is a chance for you to see how both of
you want to move forward.

Happiness
• How do you know you are happy?
• Growing up, when I was happy adults responded by:
• I managed/expressed happiness by:
• I responded to others’ happiness by:
• Decision I made about happiness:
• Today I…
• I manage/express happiness by:
• I respond to others’ happiness by:
• How do we want to manage happiness in our relationship?

Fear
• How do you know you are scared/anxious?
• Growing up, when I was scared/anxious adults responded by:
• I managed/expressed fear by:
• I responded to others’ fear by:
• Decision I made about fear:
• Today I…
• I manage/express fear by:
• I respond to others’ fear by:
• How do we want to manage fear in our relationship?

Anger
• How do you know you are angry?
• Growing up, when I was angry adults responded by:
• I managed/expressed anger by:
• I responded to others’ anger by:
• Decision I made about anger:
• Today I…
• I manage/express anger by:
• I respond to others’ anger by
• How do we want to manage anger in our relationship?

Sadness
• How do you know you are sad?
• Growing up, when I was sad adults responded by:
• I managed/expressed sadness by:
• I responded to others’ sadness by:
• Decision I made about sadness
• Today I…
• I manage/express sadness by:
• I respond to others’ sadness by:
• How do we want to manage sadness in our relationship?