12.27.18
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PW OPINION PW NEWS PW LIFE PW ARTS<br />
•ADVICE•<br />
BY PATTI CARMALT-VENER<br />
THINK ABOUT IT<br />
DON’T RUSH TO DIVORCE BEFORE ANSWERING THESE SIMPLE QUESTIONS<br />
Dear Patti,<br />
I want to leave my wife. It’s not because I’m in love with another woman or because of<br />
anything she’s done wrong. It’s just that, after four years of marriage, I’m finally facing the<br />
painful truth. She’s a great person, but she’s just not right for me to be married and committed<br />
to for the rest of my life.<br />
I know it’s sad, especially for her, but i t will be even sadder for me if I live a lie and stay.<br />
We’ve never had children, thank goodness. I haven’t wanted them, but I’m now realizing it<br />
may just be because I’m married to the wrong person.<br />
I don’t have intimacy problems. I’m not afraid of closeness. I just know now that I married<br />
the wrong person. I don’t want to stick with a mediocre marriage, settling for low-level<br />
dissatisfaction.<br />
— Ethan<br />
Dear Ethan,<br />
Sometimes unresolved conflict can fool a person into thinking love is lost when it’s actually<br />
only buried beneath simmering resentment. The love could still be there but can’t be accessed.<br />
Before making a final decision, take care not to simply believe you only have two options: staying<br />
married and unhappy, or getting a divorce to be happy again. Perhaps your marriage can be<br />
saved if you’re both ready to do the work it takes. Instead of repeating your mistakes, a marriage<br />
can sometimes be repaired and an unnecessary divorce avoided.<br />
If you’re absolutely sure you don’t want to fight to save your marriage, no one should try to<br />
talk you into it. What concerns me, though, is what motivated you to write to me if you’re already<br />
positive that divorce is the right choice? Are you asking me for information on how to tell<br />
your wife or is there still a small part of you that wants to make sure you’re 100 percent certain<br />
before you actually leave?<br />
I’m also concerned that your letter lacks so many specifics. Could this be a form of avoidance?<br />
For example, you don’t mention why you married her in the first place, if you ever loved<br />
her, or what experiences you’ve had in the last four years that have changed your mind. I’m not<br />
saying you’re necessarily wrong, just that you’ve communicated very little information for me to<br />
work with. I can’t help but wonder why.<br />
Here are a few questions to ask yourself: Do you have regular daily communication with your<br />
wife? Is your sex life regular and satisfying? Was it ever? Do you threaten to leave the marriage<br />
when you argue? Have you tried to go to couple’s counseling without finding help? Commitment<br />
is the promise you make to be there for each other, to work together, to “make it work” no<br />
matter what life throws at you. Before marriage, did you ever make a conscious, clear decision<br />
to be committed to your future spouse? A low commitment level is a warning sign that perhaps<br />
your marriage never really began. Do you need to establish a full and enriching life of your own<br />
outside of your marriage or do you solely depend on the marriage to create your happiness?<br />
While many psychotherapists get criticized for being too pro-divorce (which I actually<br />
agree is often true), there may also be something to say about tolerating bad behavior and bad<br />
relationships for too long. Staying in a seriously unhappy marriage can have long-term effects<br />
on mental and emotional health. Research shows that people in bad marriages often have low<br />
self-esteem, struggle with anxiety and depression and have a higher rate of illness than those<br />
who don’t.<br />
If after much reflective thought you’re positive that you want to separate and eventually divorce,<br />
it’s important to end the marriage respectfully and with integrity. While your feelings may<br />
have changed and you’ve broken the emotional bond between you and processed your emotions,<br />
your wife may not have. Be patient with her, allow her to express her feelings and begin to heal.<br />
If you truly wish to close a chapter in your life, are at peace with the fact there’s nothing<br />
more you can do or give to your relationship, and believe this is a sincere decision based on<br />
self- awareness (and not just an emotionally reactive decision), I hope you get all the support you<br />
need to create the life you truly want. n<br />
Patti Carmalt-Vener, a faculty member with the Southern California Society for Intensive Short Term Psychotherapy, is a<br />
psychotherapist in private practice with offices in Pasadena, Santa Monica and Canoga Park. Contact her at (626) 584-<br />
8582 or email pcarmalt@aol.com. Visit her website, patticarmalt-vener.com.<br />
<strong>12.27.18</strong> | PASADENA WEEKLY 45