The Veteran - April Issue

18 April 2019
The Veteran
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The Chronicles of Little Hope
1939 - 1945
Hilda Ffinch:
The Bird With All The Answers
Hilda Ffinch, Little Hope's very own Agony Aunt (page
5 of the Little Hope Herald) was easily bored and terribly
rich. She loved nothing better than taking on the
problems of others and either sorting them out or
claiming that she'd never heard of them if it all went
tits up and they had to leave the district under cover
of darkness having followed her sage advice.
Letter Of The Month
ment in time) and been shot at by the Home Guard for
snipping your way through their acres of expertly coiled
barbed wire in order to paddle in the brutal North Sea,
might I suggest that you perhaps look inland for your Summer
holiday this year, given that we are at war and the
chances of you being surprised by a random periscope
whilst taking a dip are greater than ever before?
In my opinion, there is nothing quite so unbecomes a man
as the moment when he decides it is acceptable to casually
remove his boots and socks, roll both trouser legs up to his
pale, cadaverous knees and set about causing old maids
to blush, dogs to bark and seagulls to swoop in with beaks
full of nesting materials. I wonder, do you perchance remove
your shirt and don a knotted handkerchief (preferably
clean) when engaging in your particularly uninviting
Summer ritual? If you’re after impressing the fairer sex with
such a display then you’re most certainly barking up the
wrong tree, my good man, they’ll turn their affections to the
aforementioned yapping dog first and you’ll not be able to
shoo the thing off, no matter how big your bone.
In short, Mr Sandy Balls, the seaside look is not an attractive
look. You may well succeed in getting your paraphernalia
up, as you put it, but you’ll be fiddling with it on your
own – presupposing that you haven’t had it grabbed by the
long arm of the law for endangering national security first.
Our prisons are full of felons so desperate for the sight of a
bare leg or an anaemic knee that yours may well set them
off and spark a riot, why risk unsettling them?
Dear Mrs Ffinch,
Bit concerned about the annual holiday. Usually go to
Cleethorpes but the beach is jam packed with crocodile
teeth. No chance of getting anything up, deckchair’s out
of the question, never mind the rest of my paraphernalia
to impress the ladies.
Aberystwyth any better?
Yours faithfully
Mr Sandy Balls
Take to the open roads, dear man and breathe in the country
air instead! Why not get yourself togged up in some sensible
plus-fours and a golfing cap and try swinging with a
party of friends? It’s so much more pleasurable than catching
crabs at the beach.
Yours,
Hilda Ffinch,
The Bird With All The Answers
P.S. Avoid Aberystwyth at all costs, Wales is terribly cold at
this time of year and periscope chaffing is rife in the Irish
Sea at the moment.
Dear Mr Balls,
I do so hope that you mean ‘Dragon’s Teeth’ my dear man,
otherwise one of us had best telephone the RSPCA and have
the entire east coast of England evacuated.
You can catch more of Mrs Fox and Friends at
www.mrsfoxgoestowar.co.uk or on Twitter
@mrslaviniafox
Assuming that you haven’t already cracked open your holiday
gin (I’m speculating 50/50 on that at this precise mo-
www.sandbagtimes.co.uk
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