Get Out! GAY Magazine – Issue 415 April 24, 2019

THOMAS
TALKS
ABOUT: TOO MUCH
There is a lot of pressure
to be physically perfect
in NYC, society as a
whole, among gays at
the gym, clubs, walking
up 9th Avenue. What
about when the call is
coming from inside the
house?
Over the last year
I’ve gained about 30
pounds, and I’ve never
felt more like myself.
For the last decade
I’d worked out every
day (sometimes twice),
regularly denied myself
sweets and did hard
drugs, because alcohol
had too many calories.
I was miserable, but
I loved the attention
of having the perfect
physique. Once I gave
up the drugs, started
eating desserts,
allowing myself pasta
and cut my gym time in
half, I almost instantly
gained weight. But I
also became happier. I
have more time to do
the things I really enjoy
and honestly love some
of my new curves.
My boyfriend, on the
other hand, isn’t happy
with this change. We’ve
been together for over
five years, and 12 days
ago (yes, I’m counting),
he told me that he’s no
longer attracted to me,
and he’s going to leave
me if I don’t lose the
weight. He’s the love
of my life, and I don’t
want to lose him, but
I also love myself and
my new-found freedom.
I’ve been very upset
and don’t know what to
do. - Male, Gay, 34
When we enter a
long-term relationship,
we also enter into an
unwritten contract that
we won’t entirely change
who we are over time.
That we won’t be one
person in the beginning
and then someone else
in the coming years.
What I’m hearing is that
for a long time you’ve
spent a lot of energy on
trying to be what maybe
you thought would make
you happy, and you’re
finding out that there
are actually other things
out there. Sure, maybe
you’ve changed, but
what you’re describing
seems like growth as
a human being. You’re
allowing yourself to
enjoy your life, you’ve
cut out drugs and
are engaging in more
activities you love.
TO LOVE?
All of this seems positive
to me. But I also see
how it could be difficult
for your boyfriend, and I
don’t like his ultimatum:
essentially, “Lose weight
or I’m gone.” I think
your response should
be, “Love me for who I
am, or I’m gone.”
There is never going to
be a relationship more
important than the one
you have with yourself.
And you’re discovering
that this relationship
can actually go deeper
and be more fulfilling
than you previously
thought. What is it
worth to you to give
that up? I honestly
believe that if you have
to give up yourself to
be with this person,
you’re only going to
regret it and feel tons
of resentment. You can’t
be in a relationship with
someone else if you
don’t love who you are.
Do you think it’s possible
for you to go back to
who you were before
(miserable) and still
love yourself the same
knowing that you were
happier when you were
larger and had more
free time? Personally,
I’d rather be with
someone who’s happy
than someone who’s
physically perfect.
Sex/Love/Relationship advice? Send your questions to: ThomasTalksAbout@gmail.com
@ThomasWhitfield84