Get Out! GAY Magazine – Issue 419 May 22, 2019

The World Health
Organization reported
that in 2017 almost
50% of all new HIV
transmissions occurred
among main partners,
or people who are in
relationships. There
are plenty of ways that
people in serodiscordant
relationships can keep
each other healthy, but
all include having open
and honest dialogue.
My boyfriend gave
me HIV, and I don’t
know if I can forgive
him. We’ve been
together for almost
four years, and always
monogamous. Two
weeks ago, I went to
my doctor for a regular
check-up. He drew
some blood and ended
up testing for HIV. I
hadn’t been tested in
years because of my
relationship, and it
came back positive. I
honestly didn’t know
how to respond: I’d
never cheated, and
I didn’t think my
boyfriend had either.
THOMAS
TALKS
ABOUT: HIV
I was at work when I
found out, immediately
left and called him.
I was crying and
screaming at him, then
he broke down and
started apologizing.
He went to the doctor,
got tested, and found
out he’s positive too.
That night he broke
down and told me
he’d cheated a few
times. I cried, told him
I needed space and left
the apartment to stay
with a friend. I came
back home a few days
ago. I love him, and I
want to work this out.
I don’t know what to
do or how to move
past this. Or if maybe
I should end it. I feel
very hurt. - Male, Gay,
27
I’m sorry that you’re
going through this.
It sounds like you’re
going through a lot
and this was entirely
unexpected. I’m not
sure if you’re upset
about the cheating, HIV
transmission or both.
So, I’m going to address
both. First, HIV or not,
it’s understandable that
you feel lied to and hurt
because he cheated. If
the transmission hadn’t
happened, how would
you have handled this?
In some of the couples
work that I do, cheating
has happened, and we
IN RELATIONSHIPS
try to focus on looking
forward. What would
you want to change now
so that this doesn’t ruin
your relationship? Does
he want to be open?
Would you want to be
open? And if so, what is
or isn’t acceptable, and
how will you tell each
other if either of you
breaks your agreement?
Second, you have to
accept that you’re HIVpositive,
because that
isn’t going to change (at
least not with modern
medicine). No matter
how angry you are with
him, or anyone else,
that’s just how it is.
And again, focusing on
the future, think about
how you guys can work
together to keep each
other healthy. Current
medication regimens are
amazing, and you guys
can have a completely
normal and healthy life
(together or separate).
This is still new for you,
so you might be in a
bit of shock. I’d also
recommend talking
to a therapist, either
alone or as a couple.
Often cheating can be
overcome with work.
And having someone
who is nonjudgmental
to discuss your status
with can also be helpful,
because there is,
unfortunately, a lot of
stigma around HIV, even
in NYC.
Sex/Love/Relationship advice? Send your questions to: ThomasTalksAbout@gmail.com
@ThomasWhitfield84