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Coping Strategies Anita Gera I m a survivor. If you’re reading this, you are very likely to be one too. We have got this far: we have survived the abuse we encountered and here we are. However, I know only too well how very hard getting even to here can be, and I know that we all need a little help now and again so I’m going to tell you a bit about the three most useful coping strategies I have found, as they may help you too. “If you don’t need them, share the information – you never know when it may be just what another survivor needs to keep going.” If you don’t need them, share the information – you never know when it may be just what another survivor needs to keep going. The first thing to know, to absolutely grasp with every cell in your body, is that you are not alone. It’s not some horrible nightmare that has only happened to you: you’re not the only one this happens to. Knowing this is the most important fact you have now that you are a survivor. There are others out there who have been through similar, though of course not the same, trauma as you have, who will understand and who will not judge or blame you in any way (unfortunately, some of those who have not experienced abuse may not always understand). When my situation exploded, and I lost my two young children (whom I now haven’t seen for over 3 years), I thought it had never happened to anyone before me. I now know that there are armies of mothers around the world who have lost their children to their abusers and I talk to many of them regularly: we understand each other and know how bad the pain is. I am grateful to know them and to call so many of them friends – without this trauma we would never have found each other so that is one good that has come out of the bad. And: we know that we are not alone. Secondly, know that there is no shame in being abused: your abuser should bear the shame and, in a just world, would do so. It’s not your fault, you did nothing wrong, made no wrong choices, so there is no shame for you to bear. Abusers are cunning and horribly intelligent when it comes to luring victim-survivors into their traps. Even if you knew that abusers could act in this way, if it’s happened before, some abusers will still be able to ensnare you again: it is never your fault, it’s theirs. Too many of us feel shame at ‘admitting’ that we were abused, raped, violated… but it is society’s fault for putting the blame on the woman rather than on the man who abused her. Once you start learning about victim-blaming, about how insidious it is and how it permeates so much of the world around us, you will wonder how you didn’t see it before. For every rape victim who is asked what she was wearing, for every mother asked why she didn’t leave her abuser and keep her children safe, for every girlfriend told that she shouldn’t have done/said/worn/eaten/drunk/not done / not worn etc It’s not YOUR fault. Making The Invisible Visible
“It may not be the life you had planned, but it can still be a good life and you are worth it. ” Third, do whatever it takes to live your best life. Do not let this destroy you, your abuser is not worth it so don’t give him (and yes, in the vast majority of cases it is ‘him’) the satisfaction of seeing you disintegrate. You will have to learn to compartmentalise your feelings, to shut off some of your hurt and anger so that you can direct your energy into positive actions, projects and words and start working out what you can do to make your life the best it can be. It may not be the life you had planned, but it can still be a good life and you are worth it. I may not quite achieve that but I shall do my best to make a difference: if my work means that even one woman is not abused, at least one child is not traumatised, then my work and my life is worth it. Because we are all worth it. To sum up: do your best and live your best life, don’t accept blame whether it comes from within or from others and find survivors who understand what you have gone through. Peace, strength and love! My journey is not over, I do not know where I will end up but I have thrown my energies into studying, doing an MA in Woman and Child Abuse so that I can better understand the dynamics behind abuse and work out how to change the world for us all. Making The Invisible Visible
Page 1: CCChat Magazine FREE The Magazine o
Page 5 and 6: Contents Interview with the Editor
Page 9 and 10: Freedom’s Flowers By Pat Craven C
Page 11 and 12: Before he moved in, when he met the
Page 13 and 14: Meet Ngozi Fulani founder of Sistah
Page 17 and 18: Dominic's Story A male victim of ab
Page 19: “We’ve been really worried abou
Page 23 and 24: the truth about domestic abuse and
Page 25 and 26: I also struggled with the ‘Whys
Page 27: Like Andrew Wakefield’s infamous
Page 30 and 31: What made you stop? Ahh, well many
Page 32 and 33: The interview Liz Gibbons Liz Gibbo
Page 34: So is it totally secure? We are con
Page 37 and 38: “I believe he saw himself as a sm
Page 39 and 40: Theo told me that, if I was comfort
Page 41 and 42: Since meeting that woman, I have co
Page 44 and 45: Cath Kane Director Broad Cairn Asso
Page 46 and 47: “There is huge gap between what w

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