Ovi Magazine Issue #12: Sexuality Published: 01-03-2006

Sexuality
My gay growth
By Juhani Giers
I was born in a small country village in the middle of nowhere in western Finland. My family was the
most average you can think of: I had farmer parents with two siblings; I was the youngest. By the age of
six - the moral age - I was convinced that when I grew up I didn’t want to join the army.
Back then, I hadn’t had heard of the
possibility of choosing civil service.
Well, how could I have, living
in the countryside where people
vote for Keskusta (Centre Party)!
The rules are so simple there: As a
farmer’s son you grow up to be a
farmer and you vote for the same
party as your parents and you definitely
show that you are a real man
by serving the compulsory time in
the army.
I did declare my opinion - by the
age of six - about my decision not
to serve my country in the army
and how helpful the adults were:
“But if you refuse to join the army
you’ll end up in jail and you will
get just water and bread to eat!” I
didn’t believe what the adults said,
but I answered: “Well, if the other
prisoners will cope with that then I
will too.” Back then, I was already
a bit overweight, so I thought I’ll
be all right with the extra energy I
have in reserve.
By the age of 11, I accidentally
listened to a YLE radio channel
and heard about the civil service
and what a relief that was! A huge
weight dropped from my shoulders
when I realized that I did have an
alternative to the water and bread
diet in prison. Now I had a choice
to serve my country another way
than by learning to kill. Why do I
tell you this all? Wasn’t this meant
to be an article about sexuality? I
tell you this because it was a crucial
insight for me that there is
some kind of justice in this country
and you have to listen to your
own mind instead of eager adults’
advice around you.
When I was in my teenage in the
mid-80s, I started to realize that
there are choices for the way of
life, such as my parents had in their
happy marriage. That there is another
way to express your desire
and affection, and that those people
are somehow different: Everybody
knows that they are somewhere,
but it a taboo to talk about them
because they represent something
which is weird and unacceptable.
I had a slight idea of my own personality,
that I might be one of those
different people. Again, I saw this
matter in a very simple way: If everybody
knows that they are somewhere
there, I will someday find a
couple of them and a match for me.
We have a saying in Finish called
MAALAISJÄRKI, which means
‘reasonable thinking’ or ‘power of
deduction’; it is wisdom learned by
living in the countryside, not from
the books or by education. I used
my maalaisjärki. I never disparaged
myself because of being different: I
thought that I’m a quite an all right
bloke and there must be someone
for an O.K. bloke somewhere.
I had no worries about my sexuality.
My worries were more usual:
When will IT start to grow and
how big IT will be at the end of
a day? How will I cope with the
situation of really DOING IT with
someone? You know, kissing and
all…? Back then, I had bisexual
emotions and I had a crush on a girl
from my class. I did get my first
kiss from her, which fulfilled my
dreams. Unfortunately, I got it for
the wrong reasons: She wanted her
recent boyfriend to be jealous so
she made sure that this boyfriend
saw the kiss! And she left me right
after the kiss and went back to have
an emotional discussion with that
bloody bloke!
A few years later in high school
(lukio, I came out with my bisexuality
to my best friend. We
were having a break and we had
a conversation about jealousy. He
asked: “Can you imagine being in a
situation where you find your girlfriend
in bed with someone else?
What would you do?” I answered:
“I would jump into bed and join
them!” His neutral attitude made
me think: ‘Gosh! This coming-out
thing is so easy!’ And again I was
very relieved. Many years later
when we talked about my sexuality,
my friend was surprised. He didn’t
remember the whole conversation
and he hadn’t realized what I had
said! I was astonished because that
moment was a turning point for
me!