Jan 23, 2020 When I Became Free

January 23, 2020 WHEN I BECAME FREE Page 3
Woman to Woman
You Can’t Do It Alone
MECHELLE CICHY
THEWRITEEMPATH@GMAIL.COM
People! Who needs them? Right? They can be nosy,
overbearing, bossy, inconsiderate,
rude and downright
hateful. People can pass
judgment on us for minuscule
infractions we may not
even be aware of. Sometimes
they can be impatient
despite the fact we are doing
the best we can. People are
backstabbers, liars, abusers
and psychopaths.
However, humans are social
animals and as such, we
need our people. We are not
meant to be alone. But, after
suffering from abuse, survivors
have a difficult time
feeling comfortable around
other people, no matter who
they may be.
First of all, there are trust
issues. They once trusted the
abuser to love and care for them. That trust was disrespected
and stomped on over and over again. How can they
trust someone else not to repeat the same bad behavior?
Whether it was a parent, a lover, a coach or a member of the
clergy, or someone else, the victim trusted that he or she
was safe in their care.
Then there are the self-esteem issues. Survivors of abuse
have a horribly low sense of self-esteem thanks to the
abuser. In order to keep the victims in line, it's necessary to
break their spirit and sense of self. Leaving the abuser behind
does not automatically restore that self-esteem. It
takes years of conscious hard work to bring back a healthy
love of self.
It's tempting to try to live independently of anyone. How
many of us have thought we would love to live on our own
deserted island with supplies mysteriously dropped during
our sleeping hours so we never have to see another person
again? No more traffic jams during rush hour. Rude salesclerks
after a hard day's work? Nope! No keyboard warriors
to ruin our quiet time online.
The fantasy sounds wonderful when people are annoying
and rude. However, we seldom think so much of that
dream at night when the curtains are closed, the bed is
empty and supper is a microwave meal because it's too
much trouble to cook for one. We are alone with our
thoughts and insecurities.
As I mentioned earlier, we were not meant to live in
solitude. As much as other humans drive us insane, we need
them sometimes. As survivors, we probably need them
more than other people do.
Survivors need a support system. We would love to be
able to heal on our own without help from anyone else. It
would eliminate the issues we have with trusting others.
But, our brains have been incorrectly programmed by the
abuse we suffered.
Our emotions, memory, thinking and sense of self have
all taken hits. We have a bad baseline to build on.
You might liken building a new life and new self to a carpenter
building a house. If the ground he builds on is unstable
or uneven, the house will ultimately collapse. The
same happens if you try to rebuild your life with the faulty
thought processes the abuse programmed into the brain.
Unhealthy coping mechanisms such as substance addictions
or self-harm are hardly the things to build a new life
upon.
Survivors are plagued with self-doubt and criticism
which hinders the confidence needed to make necessary
changes to rebuild. “I'm not good enough” and “I can't do
that” come from the abuse programming. Without the support
of other caring individuals, it's difficult to impossible
for the survivor to push through the fear to find success. A
woman I know is a good example of this. She had seldom
driven a car for any distance, or in a larger city. If she wasn't
being made to tag along with her husband, there was always
someone else who could and would drive her where
she needed to go. After leaving her abuser, she had to make
weekly trips to a city quite a distance away.
The initial fear was almost debilitating. After she successfully
made the trip herself a couple times, the fear was
gone and she had gained a new level of confidence. But, it
took not a little prodding from those of us who were her
support people to convince her she could do it.
Some of the things abusers tell their victims is that they
are worthless or stupid or ugly, or incompetent. Being told
this over and over rewires the brain into believing it's true.
To reverse the programming, it may take someone else saying
over and over “you are good enough”, “you are worthy”,
“you can do it”, “I have confidence in you” and
whatever else counteracts the hateful things that had been
said.
While it's understandable for survivors to be afraid to
ever trust another person again, it's imperative that they do
for their support system. However, it's also important that
they find someone who is worthy of their trust, or they may
fall for the same abuse from a different abuser. Where they
find the trustworthy people may depend upon their life situation.
Most abuse organizations have advocates who can work
with survivors. A therapist may suggest a few local organizations
from the area. Online support groups exist as well.
In fact, I am one of the moderators of a Facebook group
dedicated to helping victims and survivors of abuse. You
can find it by searching for “When I Became Free Support
Group”. Someone is usually always available for support,
help or to just listen.
So, as much as we might wish sometimes for everyone
else on the planet to disappear, there are times when we
need them around. If we want to heal, we can't do it alone.