Jan 23, 2020 When I Became Free

January 23, 2020 WHEN I BECAME FREE Page 5
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The words I shared with you on the previous page are the words I wrote along my healing
journey and have been published to my blog, Thankfully Chewed Up and Spat Back
Out. They convey snippets of my past, when I was a victim. A young child trying to attempt
to make sense out of world that was confusing and scary.
Buried in those words are the signs that I was a child who had experienced sexual assault.
Signs that my loved ones, my parents and other adults around me missed. They
missed those signs because, in my case, this all took place in a generation where we buried
our heads - society was not working to bring awareness to issues of trauma and abuse.
Children were to be seen, not heard.
I am thankful that in today’s society people like me are now able to share our experiences
to a wide audience in an attempt to bring awareness so that no other child ever has
to know nor carry the pain of child abuse and child sexual assault.
Let’s take a look at the signs buried within my words - I went from a happy carefree
child to being careful not to bring attention to myself, I withdrew. I became hypersensitive
to my surroundings. I had nightmares and I attempted suicide at an age so young
where I should have only known to how live.
There are others aspects of my childhood I haven’t shared here but they would have
shown that I was an ill child, always getting sick. Low self esteem started taking over my
emotions and my thoughts.
Granted, all of these signs could have painted the picture of something else, but in the
end, they all showed that I was a child who needed attention beyond a passing glance.
When I finally told my mother what had happened to me, she recoiled and placed more
worries and shame on my shoulders. I was only 14-years old and already wishing I could
disappear. After that days she never brought the topic up again - I would be an adult before
I revisited it with her.
Now as a parent I cannot imagine what it would be like to hear such horrors from my
child and thankfully, I never have had to absorb such a nightmare. For the parents who do,
I want you to know your reaction to your child’s truth can make or break when and how
their healing journey will begin. That is a heavy responsibility, however, at the same time
if you take a deep breath and reach out for the right help, you will be providing a safety
net for the life you created. There is help. It will not erase the harm but it will save unneeded
additional trauma.
To set the stage for your child to feel comfortable coming to you it should begin as early
as possible. The following comes from the advocacy group RAIIN:
Be involved in the child’s life.
Being actively involved in a child’s life can make warning signs of child sexual abuse
more obvious and help the child feel more comfortable coming to you if something isn’t
right. If you see or hear something that causes concern, you can take action to protect your
child.
Show interest in their day-to-day lives. Ask them what they did during the day and who
they did it with. Who did they sit with at lunchtime? What games did they play after
school? Did they enjoy themselves?
Get to know the people in your child’s life. Know who your child is spending time with,
including other children and adults. Ask your child about the kids they go to school with,
the parents of their friends, and other people they may encounter, such as teammates or
coaches. Talk about these people openly and ask questions so that your child can feel comfortable
doing the same.
Choose caregivers carefully. Whether it’s a babysitter, a new school, or an afterschool
activity, be diligent about screening caregivers for your child.
Talk about the media. Incidents of sexual violence are frequently covered by the news
and portrayed in television shows. Ask your child questions about this coverage to start a
conversation. Questions like, “Have you ever heard of this happening before?” or “What
would you do if you were in this situation?” can signal to your child that these are important
issues that they can talk about with you. Learn more about talking to your kids
about sexual assault.
Know the warning signs. Become familiar with the warning signs of child sexual
abuse, and notice any changes with your child, no matter how small. Whether it’s happening
to your child or a child you know, you have the potential to make a big difference
in that person’s life by stepping in.
Encourage children to speak up.
When someone knows that their voice will be heard and taken seriously, it gives them
the courage to speak up when something isn’t right. You can start having these conversations
with your children as soon as they begin using words to talk about feelings or emotions.
Don’t worry if you haven't started conversations around these topics with your
child—it is never too late.
Teach your child about boundaries. Let your child know that no one has the right to
touch them or make them feel uncomfortable — this includes hugs from grandparents or
even tickling from mom or dad. It is important to let your child know that their body is their
own. Just as importantly, remind your child that they do not have the right to touch someone
else if that person does not want to be touched.
Teach your child how to talk about their bodies. From an early age, teach your child
the names of their body parts. Teaching a child these words gives them the ability to come
to you when something is wrong. Learn more about talking to children about sexual assault.
Be available. Set time aside to spend with your child where they have your undivided
attention. Let your child know that they can come to you if they have questions or if someone
is talking to them in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable. If they do come to
you with questions or concerns, follow through on your word and make the time to talk.
Let them know they won’t get in trouble. Many perpetrators use secret-keeping or
threats as a way of keeping children quiet about abuse. Remind your child frequently that
they will not get in trouble for talking to you, no matter what they need to say. When they
do come to you, follow through on this promise and avoid punishing them for speaking
up.
Give them the chance to raise new topics. Sometimes asking direct questions like, “Did
you have fun?” and “Was it a good time?” won’t give you the answers you need. Give your
child a chance to bring up their own concerns or ideas by asking open-ended questions like
“Is there anything else you wanted to talk about?”
As for evaluating caregivers, be diligent. It’s not always easy to trust another person
to look after a loved one. Elder and child abuse is far too common, and choosing a caregiver
can seem a little overwhelming. There are steps you can take to evaluate caregivers,
such as babysitters or nursing homes, to reduce the risk of something happening to your
loved one.
Individual caregivers
There are many situations in which you might want to leave a loved one in the care of
an individual person such as a nanny, tutor, or senior in-home caregiver. Consider the following
tips to choose someone who will care for your loved one safely.
Contact multiple references that can vouch for the caregiver. Ask questions about their
character, past performance, and interactions with their charges as well as other peers or
colleagues.
Are they willing to submit to a background check? If they say no, it’s worth reconsidering
their services. Due to the low rates of reporting and prosecution of sexual violence,
background checks are not 100 percent effective, but they can be a valuable tool in screening
caregivers.
Run a search on the National Sex Offender Public Website (NSOPW), a national resource
that pulls data from state, territory, and tribal sex offender registries. You can search
by name and region. You can perform your own cursory background check by researching
public records–including legal records–and anything the person might have posted
publicly online and via social media.
Drop in unexpectedly. Visit your loved one from time to time without announcing your
visit in advanced. This will give you a realistic sense for the standard of care the caregiver
is providing..
Centers, agencies, and organizations
You might be considering a daycare center, an assisted living center, or a similar organization
to provide care for your loved one. Take into consideration the following tips
when determining who may provide the best care.
Is the service provider licensed in the local jurisdiction? Most cities, counties, and/or
states have regulations regarding qualifications for service providers that care for children
or the elderly. Check with your local city or county to find a list of all certified care
providers and ensure the service provider you are considering is on that list.
What vetting and training is involved in the staff hiring process? Depending on the organization
and type of service offered, employees may have to earn a certain degree, uphold
certain certifications, or undergo training. Ask about these requirements and compare
them across different organizations and against any county or state regulations that may
apply. Ask about ongoing training for staff. What training is involved for noticing and responding
to signs of abuse? How often is this information tested or reviewed?
What is the management system like? How does the organization oversee staff and monitor
its employees? Find out more about how caregivers are monitored or evaluated. How
often does this happen? What is the policy for poor performance or failure to follow rules?
Ask about turnover rates for caregivers. A high turnover rate could indicate signs of
poor management and make for a less stable environment. Ask about the caregiver-tocharge
ratio, or how many people the caregiver will be supervising. Does it seem like the
caregiver will be able to provide adequate attention to your loved one?
What is your general impression of the facilities? Are the facilities well-kept and clean?
Are proper safety measures in place such as windows on classroom doors? Is there a
security process in place to ensure only approved staff have contact with children/adults
and all children/adults are accounted for at all times?
To speak with someone who is trained to help, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline
at 800.656.HOPE (4673) or chat online at online.rainn.org.
If your child has been sexually assaulted
If you find out or suspect that your child has been sexually abused by a family member,
it can take a toll on you as a parent. It’s important to find a way to manage your feelings,
so you can focus on creating a safe environment for your child that is free from harm,
judgment, and blame. It is imperative that when your child discloses to you, you continue
to repeat the following messages through both your words and your actions:
I love you.
What happened is not your fault.
I will do everything I can to keep you safe.
How am I supposed to react?
There is no “right” reaction to hearing that your child has been abused. You may experience
a wide range of reactions and feelings that may impact different aspects of your life.
Some common reactions from parents include:
—Anger. You may feel angry at the abuser for hurting your child or even frustrated with
your child for not telling you. It’s also possible to feel angry at your child for disclosing
the abuse. It’s not easy news to hear, but it’s important to remember it is not your child’s
fault.
—Anxiety. You might be anxious about responding in the “right” way to your child or
navigating the other relationships in your life, especially if you have a relationship with
the abuser.
—Fear. Depending on your family circumstances, you may be afraid that the abuser will
find a way to harm your child again or be concerned about taking care of your family on
your own.
—Sadness. You may feel sad for your child, for your family, or for yourself. When a child
discloses sexual abuse, it will cause changes in your life. It’s OK to be upset over the
changes in your life that may result from this disclosure.
—Shock. If you had no idea that the harm was occurring, you may be very surprised to
hear what has happened.
It is important to keep in mind that there is no one “right” reaction, and that all reactions
and responses are normal. Having both you and your child talk to a professional about
these thoughts and feelings can help sort through these issues. Professional support can
also result in healthier long- and short-term results for both you and your child.
How do I manage these feelings?
Your child is counting on you for support. In order to put your child’s safety first, it’s
important to take care of yourself. That means finding a way to work through your feelings
and reactions to the abuse that doesn’t interfere with your child’s welfare. It may not
be easy, but with the right support it is possible.
Consider talking to a counselor one-on-one. Individual counseling gives you the chance
to focus entirely on you and your concerns, without needing to worry about how your
child will react to those thoughts.
Develop your support system. It might be family and friends you trust, or it might be
a support group that you didn’t have a connection with before.
Set limits. Dealing with these emotions can be time- consuming and draining. Set aside
time for activities that don’t revolve around the abuse. Practice self-care to keep your mind
and body in healthy shape.
What if the perpetrator is part of my family?
Finding out that your child was hurt by someone you know and trust can present some additional
challenges as a parent. You may be faced with a range of emotions specific to this
situation that others can’t relate to. No one has the right to invalidate the way you feel, but
it’s important to find a way to manage these emotions in order to prioritize the safety of
your child. Some experiences of non-offending parents may include:
—Anger towards the child for disrupting your family, especially if the perpetrator is your
partner
—Anger towards the perpetrator for hurting your child and betraying your trust
—Guilt that you didn’t know the abuse was occurring or for still having feelings for the
person who hurt your child
If it the person who harmed your child was another one of your children, you may feel conflicted
about how to provide support to the child who was harmed while still trying to protect
your other child.
Losing faith in your judgement or abilities as a parent
Practical fears about finances and day-to-day life that may change when the family member
who caused harm is removed from the family circle.
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