Parenta Magazine February 2020

Processing
Processing feelings and
emotions in early years
feelings and emotions
in early years
In a child’s early years, they learn about themselves and about the world.
They also gain internal programming that influences their actions, reactions
and decisions later in life. What we hear, see and feel on a consistent basis
throughout our childhood creates beliefs, values and patterns of behaviour that
then shape our future. If we want children to grow into emotionally stable adults
who can process their thoughts and feelings, we need to make sure that what they
experience in their younger years is conducive to this happening.
Our subconscious mind
(that guides up to 95%
of what we do on a daily
basis) is programmed
through the information
it regularly receives when
we are younger. It is very
literal and therefore cannot
distinguish between good
and bad or right and wrong.
As a parent, practitioner
or teacher, we have good
intentions. However,
sometimes (and for all the
right reasons), our actions
can unintentionally create
programming that doesn’t
support children to process
their thoughts and feelings
in a balanced way.
It is never easy to see an
upset child and when we
do, we might say things like
“awww don’t be sad” or
“you’re okay”. Our intention
here is completely from the
right place and is driven
by our desire to reduce
their pain or minimise the
problem. However, if we
look closely at the literal
message of our words, we
will actually see that it is
teaching children that:
They shouldn’t be sad ܚܚ
To act okay when they ܚܚ
are not
If this message is given
to them regularly, there is
a chance it will become a
default setting for how they
subconsciously process
their feelings later in
life. If we want children
to acknowledge their
emotions when they are
older, we need to teach
them how to do this when
they are little.
It is important to look at
how we want children to
act when they grow up and
then to ask ourselves if the
literal message of our words
and action will result in this
happening. Our heart will
always be in the right place,
but like I said previously, the
mind cannot interpret our
intentions, only the direct
information it is receiving.
When children get older we
want them to:
Know that no problem ܚܚ
is too big or small
Come to us when ܚܚ
they have made a
mistake or are worried,
rather than isolating
themselves
Know that it is okay to ܚܚ
not be okay
Know that it is okay to ܚܚ
express their feelings
Face things, rather than ܚܚ
burying their head
Let things out, rather ܚܚ
than holding emotions
in
If this is the case, we need
to look at our consistent
words and actions and
ask ourselves if they are
programming children
with this message now. It
can be hard if we realise
that we need to tweak
a few things that we are
doing. Our heart is always
in the right place and it is
important to move forward
without reproaching
ourselves and feeling bad.
We are always on a journey
of development and when
we know better, we do
better. I still catch myself
saying things now that
have a dodgy message,
but having this awareness
allows me to change and
reframe things before they
become a habit.
“
Despite
our problems
seeming small
when we look
back, they are
big at the time
and hurt just
as much.
”
Something that I think
is important for children
(and adults) to know is
that no problem is too
big or small. At times,
children can seem to get
upset about the most
trivial things. However,
if we look at the world
through their eyes, we will
often see that although to
us their problem seems
small, to them, it is huge.
Cast your mind back to
the issues you had when
you were a teenager.
Most of us will look back
and think that they were
nothing compared to
what we face now as
adults. However, if you
remember how you felt at
the time, you will recall
that the feelings were
just as powerful. This is
because problems are
relative. As we get older,
we gain more experience
and responsibility and
because of that the issues
we face become bigger.
Nevertheless, at each
stage in our lives, despite
our problems seeming
small when we look back,
they are big at the time
and hurt just as much.
When a toddler loses it
because they have been
given the wrong pen, to
us it may seem ridiculous.
However, to them it feels
like the end of the world.
Not only are they facing an
issue relative to their age
and therefore MASSIVE in
their eyes, they also quite
often don’t have the skills
to articulate how they are
feeling, so have a huge
amount of frustration
added to the mix too.
When this happens, if we
can try to understand that
through their three-year-old
eyes, this is devastating,
we will deal with them in
a very different way. If we
support them through their
sadness and screams, help
them to find a solution and
acknowledge how they
feel, we will truly teach
them that:
It is okay to express ܚܚ
feelings
No problem is too big ܚܚ
or small
We are there to support ܚܚ
them no matter what
Now sometimes (and I
have been there many
times), they are too far
gone and nothing you can
do will make them feel
better. This can be difficult
because they can get out
of control and start having
a huge tantrum. However,
it is crucial when this
happens to understand
that when a child goes into
meltdown, they are not
being defiant. They are not
developmentally-equipped
with the ability to bring
themselves back, and it is
at these times when they
need us the most.
It can be hard to sit
through a raging tantrum
and to see a child so sad,
but if we can just give
them the space to process
their feelings in their own
time and in the safety
of our presence, they
regulate more quickly. They
will also learn, little by
little, how to process their
emotions whilst knowing it
is safe to do so.
A child isn’t born with the
ability to regulate and
process their emotions.
They learn how to do this
over time and through their
experiences. Without a
shadow of a doubt, we put
children and their wellbeing
at the heart of what
we do, but by having a
deeper understanding of
how our words and actions
impact them, we can
truly give them a strong
foundation and the ability
to have emotional balance
later in life.
Stacey Kelly
Stacey Kelly is a former
teacher, a parent to 2
beautiful babies and the
founder of Early Years Story
Box, which is a subscription
website providing children’s
storybooks and early years
resources. She is passionate
about building children’s
imagination, creativity and
self-belief and about creating
awareness of the impact
that the early years have
on a child’s future. Stacey
loves her role as a writer,
illustrator and public speaker
and believes in the power of
personal development. She is
also on a mission to empower
children to live a life full of
happiness and fulfilment,
which is why she launched
the #ThankYouOaky Gratitude
Movement.
Sign up to Stacey’s premium
membership here and use the
code PARENTA20 to get 20%
off or contact Stacey for an
online demo.
Website:
www.earlyyearsstorybox.com
Email:
stacey@earlyyearsstorybox.com
Facebook:
facebook.com/earlyyearsstorybox
Twitter:
twitter.com/eystorybox
Instagram:
instagram.com/earlyyearsstorybox
LinkedIn:
linkedin.com/in/stacey-kellya84534b2/
28 February 2020 | parenta.com
parenta.com | February 2020 29