CCChat-Magazine_Issue-14

She has invented a new twist on the board game ‘Guess
who?’ Instead of saying, ‘Has the person got a ginger
moustache?’ you ask, ‘Is the person a social worker’ or, ‘Is
the person running for president of the USA?’ It’s hilarious
after a couple of glasses of red. Try it.
Clare loved Clark and was his favourite. Clare finds having a
relationship with Becky and Michael difficult. She wants to
move in with her boyfriend, but can’t afford it. There have
been arguments between all of us, because Clare says she
hates being at home with us because she is the odd one out.
She depends on Seb to make her happy. Seb frequently
finishes with her, because he can’t cope with this pressure to
make her happy all the time. When he asks for time out she
becomes hysterical.
They separated three weeks ago. She has hit Seb on
occasion. Clare did not take her A-Level exams. She has
been referred for counselling by our GP. She has depression
and acute anxiety. She just can’t handle rejection. She
doesn’t know what she wants to do with her life. She has
started seeing Seb again. Now she is at his house all the
time. She won’t answer her phone.
Michael still has a tendency to be a fussy eater, but we
ignore it. He hates giving anything away or giving toys to
charity shops, even his clothes which don’t fit him anymore. I
always have to build up to these times with lots of
reassurances and reasoning. I don’t think he has ever got
over the shock of losing all of his toys, his pets and his home.
I once asked a Professor on my degree course (in early
childhood studies) the question: ’What do neglected or
abused children remember?’ He replied: ‘They remember
what they didn’t have. Love, warmth, security, safety, food,
shelter, happy parents, clean clothes, things that everyone
needs to make their lives work.’
I think that Michael doesn’t remember the abuse, but he
remembers the loss, the shock, the fear. However, Michael is
the least affected of the three, the happiest, the most
confident, the most empathetic and the most trusting.
I think that says it all.
“I once asked a Professor on my degree course (in early childhood studies) the
question: ’What do neglected or abused children remember?’ He replied: ‘They
remember what they didn’t have. Love, warmth, security, safety, food, shelter,
happy parents, clean clothes, things that everyone needs to make their lives work.’
.”
Michael
I wish you could meet Michael. He would have you in stitches
in seconds. He is really clever and can tell you how nuclear
power works. He plays the clarinet. His recent certificate from
school reads: ’for an excellent attitude and for taking people
just as they are and never judging’. He loves to go out for
meals and holidays. He loved going to New York after Paul
and I were just married. It was the children’s first time on an
aeroplane. I don’t think he will ever forget it. He loves
animals and meeting new people.
He doesn’t remember Clark. He remembers the refuge
because he always won the kids bingo. He loves Paul. Paul
is an engineer, a Star Wars geek and can build Lego. They
are best mates, always having water fights and putting fake
spiders on the stairs. He loves to wear his life-size Cyberman
helmet whilst doing his homework. He puts Post-it notes on
his remote control tarantula which say, ‘get up now I want
breakfast’. We are often woken up by a giant tarantula
coming into our bedroom bearing messages of this kind.
Me
I am now 48. In 2010 I stopped looking over my shoulder
every time I left the house. I am studying to be a barrister in
family law, specialising in domestic abuse and child contact
issues. I am a Freedom Programme facilitator, having run
four over the last year. I am married to the ‘Perfect Paul’ and
we are doing life together, working it out as we go along.
Paul is incredibly biased and says I am the most amazing
woman he has ever known.
I don’t feel amazing much of the time. I battle with my weight
and depression. I struggle with friendships. I’m not quite sure
what to do with a friend once I’ve got one. I’ve been taken
advantage of by needy people. I’m just learning about
boundaries. I remembered that I used to like knitting, so have
taken that up again. I find it hard to cry. I can’t listen to music
unless it’s Classic FM, which is something that I’m not really
into. I don’t have much in common with other women. If I
don’t make a conscious effort to be sociable I can be
withdrawn and isolate myself. I still have a feeling that I’ve
got something to hide.
Making The Invisible Visible