CCChat-Magazine_Issue-14

I have had clients complain that their partner removes the
fuses from the heating system when they go out so that they
can’t use it, timed when they go to the shops, locked into the
house each time their partner leaves the house with even the
windows locked.
Behind all of this is the threat of, and often the use of,
physical violence and rape, threats of physical violence and
rape against the women’s family, friends and children, threats
to kill their children or have them removed by social services.
The threats and violence are increased in intensity and
frequency if the perpetrator thinks he is losing control in any
way and particularly if he thinks she is preparing to leave.
Indeed separating from a coercively controlling partner is far
and away the most dangerous time and the point at which
women tend to be murdered by their partners. Many liken
coercive control to tactics to those used against prisoners of
war – such as sleep deprivation, withholding food, drink and
money, not being permitted to escape, constant questioning
with punishment for the “wrong” answer, isolation, repetitive
acts designed to cause fear, gaslighting and a destruction of
the victim’s own identity and belief system.
It may be the enforcement of petty rules and preferences of
the perpetrator and the creation of a series of ever-changing
“rules” in compliance of which the victim is forced to live her
life. The victim can never fully know these rules as they are
forever changing to suit the perpetrator and he may
sometimes want her to break the rules on occasion so that
he can remind her what the consequences are for breaking
his rules and thereby increasing the fear and helplessness of
the victim. The film “Sleeping with the Enemy” is often quoted
to me by clients as being what it’s like to live in a coercively
controlling relationship with the petty requirements such as
having to have the towels on the towel rail hanging totally
level and all of the tins in the cupboard in groups with their
labels facing to the front.
This is not just someone suffering with a case of obsessive
compulsive disorder, it is used to keep the victim controlled
and there will be severe consequences for breach of these
rules. Many clients tell me that they have to do excessive
amounts of cleaning whilst the perpetrator is out so that she
has no time for herself at all. This will then be checked by the
perpetrator daily, and I’ve had dozens of clients tell me that
the perpetrator will use a white glove to check for dust in
hard to reach or remember places such as on the top of
doors or on skirting boards.
Clients tell me that their mobile phone is tracked by their
partner so that he knows where she is, have their vaginas
“checked” by the perpetrator when they return from the
shops or visiting a family member to “check” whether they
have had sexual relations with other men or women even
when they have gone out with a child in a pram.
The term coercive control was popularised by Dr Evan Stark
in his book Coercive Control, How Men Entrap Women in
Personal Life [2007] although Dr Evan Stark does accept that
the phrase was first used by unnamed feminist psychologists
who described their abused clients as living in hostage-like
situations. “Not only is coercive control the most common
context in which [women] are abused, it is also the most
dangerous” – Evan Stark (2007) Coercive Control. How Men
Entrap Women in Personal Life. New York: Oxford University
Press.
Stark states that “coercive control targets a victim’s
autonomy, equality, liberty, social supports and dignity in
ways that compromise the capacity for independent, selfinterested,
decision making, vital to escape and effective
resistance to abuse. Coercive control often exploits and
reinforces sexual inequalities in society which make it far
more devastating for victims than when women are
controlling”.
Coercive control contains a myriad of different behaviours
targeted to be most devastating and debilitating to that
particular victim. Some describe it as domestic terrorism or
akin to being stalked or held hostage in your own home
during a relationship by the person who is supposed to love
and care for you.
That person will know you better than anyone and will know
all of your secrets, what scares you, what your phobias are,
what you hold most dear and how to hurt you. That person
may even be your carer and the perpetrator may be using
the victim’s disability against them or withholding care or
medication.
Making The Invisible Visible