"Life and Pandemic" - Spring 2020

How to Write an Essay During a Pandemic
You’ll feel like one of the zombies in any one of those cheap horror
movies. Don’t worry, that’s normal after taking two cap’s full of cough
medicine while trying to come down from an Adderall high. At this point
you’ve regressed past the degree of being a functional human and your
survival instincts will kick in. So, binge eat. Eat everything you can.
You’ll want to go outside and catch a squirrel with your bare hands to
roast over an open self-made fire. Don’t, that’s weird. You live in suburban
Orange County and your neighbors will call the police. Just open the
fridge and eat all the leftover mashed potatoes and ice cream you can.
When you’ve eaten everything, fall into a food-induced-amphetaminecome-down-NyQuil-come-up
coma.
Wake up at 3pm when your cat starts licking the melted icecream
off your chest. Start to cry, first with little sniffles and then a fullblown
wail. Cry because you haven’t seen your friends in weeks, you’re
weeks behind on your virtual lectures and have gotten nothing done
with only 7 hours left to write a 10 page research paper. Cry harder because
you’re disgusting and covered in half-eaten food, you now weigh 8
pounds heavier than yesterday, you’re in the middle of a global pandemic
and you saw your neighbor with the Trump flag on the news yesterday
yelling “live free or die”, and on top of it all your cat is starting to puke.
Take a moment to let it all sink in-- not your cat puke, clean that up before
it stains your Nana’s rug.
Once you’re done cleaning and crying you’ll probably feel really
exhausted. Give yourself a break to restart your mind and take a nap. Set
your alarm for 30 minutes. When your alarm goes off, press snooze and
sleep some more. Then press snooze again. And again.
Finally, wake up in a panic when you start dreaming about your
essay. Reach for your phone before realizing that it’s dead since you
didn’t charge it last night because you wasted all your battery trying to
listen to sleep podcasts. Grab your laptop and flip it open, look to the
time and see that it’s 11:56pm. Realize that nothing has gotten done.
Your essay is due in 4 minutes. Tense all your muscles again like how
you did last night when you were trying to relax, and scream. Scream
again, but more blood-curling this time. Remember that your Nana is
home when she waddles into your room at lightning elder speed to make
sure you’re alive. Assure her that you’re okay, you didn’t fall, you’re not
hurt, and everythings fine as you close the door on her. Fall onto the floor
and rip out a few strands of hair to check and see if you’re still sleeping.
Daelyn Daniloff