Rock N Roll Night From Hell by Moushumi Ghose

Rock n Roll Night From Hell

Stories which became the songs of GHOSHA

By Moushumi (Mou) Ghose

Copyright, © Moushumi Ghose / Moushumi Amour, 2019

Los Angeles, CA, USA

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any

way by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording or otherwise without the prior

permission of the author except as provided by USA copyright law.

Dedicated to the two women in the bathroom,

London, 1983.

You made a big impression, on a little girl.

The Glorious Burn

I'm angry and they say it's the stress

Something traumatic from the day I left there

No it had nothing to do with the Years of snorting blow cocaine in bathroom stalls adderal in the

snow dark lit streets late at night when all you need is some sun

It's the sun it's the sun

Now I'm running around New York City trying to right these wrongs

Trying to write these songs when most nights at 4am I can't breathe

They say I need vitamin D

So stay awake makes me feel better but I hear it's a sin when I need sun and fun

A good massage to heal this pain

Hiding in the subway shade running in the summer rain this ain't Zimbabwe and Zelda ain't far

away

Death and heroin in Brooklyn streets

And they wanna drug test our senators lol what Hippocrates is this

Craving sun in caves

Cavemen leaving their graves

Oh glorious sunshine where've you been all my life

As I lean in for the burn

- August 26, 2015

The City Glistens Like A Diamond

The city it glistens like a diamond

I get lost in your creases and colors

The people are shining and smiling

To see the island for three minutes

Was worth the 72 hours wait at the gate

I'm lost in your crevices of sparkle

Of light that glitter on the ground

The plane keeps circling the Burroughs

The young girl in pink full of curiosity

Reminds me of me

Innocent and naive

The way we all used to be

Maybe she lives here

Maybe she's visiting

Pink and fuzzy

Cat fur lady

- April 18, 2015

The Walking Wounded

A bunch of children running the world

Runnin’ blind in the wild

Childlike

Cutting each other down

Running out of space

And she's taking off her clothes

One by one

She won't pick up the phone

Till its all gone

In the nighttime she's so clear

By day I run from fear

You’ll beg her to stay

But she'll never hear

She's out the door

See you next year

My friend, sister or something

Started crying on the phone

I said nothing

Apathetic

Are we all forty- something the walking wounded

war veterans of love

When she puts her makeup on

It's on

All the way home

She lives in a world of hate

She lives in a guilty space

- January 28, 2015

2014

Dying on The Floor

All the boys and girls know my game.

Too many years it's been the same.

I am alive and laughing then I'm heavy dying on the floor

Living in proximity

It's all the same to me

One day I'm too busy the next its blithering incoherent down on my knees

Stop playing these games with me

I'm quiet and gone away and dizzy

I've got this road map that's running on empty

I don't have time for your tomfoolery

I'm playing in the sand alone

Talking to myself again

And I'm quite happy let me go

I've gone quiet shut it down and I'm finally carefree

You're a bad ass, you're a sad ass, who cares?

I used to have time for this social malfeasance.

You're omnipresence.

You're On my present.

But now I only have time for me.2014 Rock N Roll Night From Hell

Where I've Been

I've been playing by these rules

These stupid rules you don't even wanna follow

I've been looking high and low

For these windows that disappear in the night anyway

And steal your soul

I've been flailing on the floor

Cuz Who really loves anyone anymore

We've all been selling our soul

So you will love me more

But I call bullshit on this game

I call bullshit cuz I can

On this sickness you call home

It's a sickness you know

And you know I can throw it all away

Your tv corp executive hairstyle

Your city scape from the south bad style

Shut your potty mouth no longer apply

I'm gonna call Carlos and embrace this mane of madness

I'm gonna cut these skinny jeans into shorts and wear these tights belly high

Hahaha high

Unless you qualify

Need not apply

The sleep deprived need not apply

The go lay in the gutter

Embrace the madness

You guessed it

I called it

On the game

Cuz there are the ones who follow and the ones who play and there are the ones who fly

because they get away.

- December 19, 2014

Get High

Why are you so low when you should be so high

Why are you bending down

When we are taller and braver

Smarter and wiser

You can feel their judgment,

harsh judgment

When they're the ones with something to hide

Being nice is the easy thing to do. So nice so kind.

Being forgiving. Look them in the eye. Smile. So polite.

Overlooking people's flaws by smoothing it over, saying its okay when in fact it isn't.

It's a lie. You know you're living a lie.

So go get high

drop a dollar in the bucket tonight

wake up in a strange place

with a stranger in a negligee

somehow say it's alright

So i got high

got tired of living a lie

got tired of saying it's alright

it's not alright, was never alright

alright?

- November 19, 2014

Crowd of Cunts

I'm not making any big gestures of snobbery

Just been wasting time

Too much time wasted

Now I've grown impatient

Sitting in traffic lines and trains

Two more stops

Oh is it 3?

Breathe deep your under me

Invested too much time in you

It goes nowhere

Now I can't be bothered

Anymore

I've got this cough that won't go away

24 days we're trying to be nice

But in this Crowd of cunts

Who takes the cake?

In this crowd of cunts

It's time to cut the cake

- October 24, 2014 No comments:

Brooklyn

Demoralized sitting on the 3 line

Brooklyn at night

Missing four legged helpless beings

Wandering alleys

Winter is coming

But I see you with your guitars

Boots and tattoos

I'm no idiot

I know why we're here

Gotham city dwellers

Limp

Life sucked out

Blood sucked out

Crumpled at my feet

Begging for new beginnings

But we don't care anymore

Tonight is a new night

Bright city lights

Shining bright

And we're all bitching

But still smiling

electric laughter

New York City shining

- September 11, 2014

Manhattan

This is manhattan

The fat lady sings again

It all keeps on going

There's never an end

I try to look up

To sky and stories

The building

Where does it end?

They say it's best till they wander down these streets

They wonder if everything is okay

It's not gonna tumble and crumble at your feet

This is manhattan

No fault line no car ride

So they say

- June 11, 2014

Oklahoma City

Somewhere in the bad country

Near the Navajo

I wonder how to change my hats

Sometimes easier said than done

Driving down central Albuquerque

Everything is closed down

Middle of the day

I wonder how to do the right thing

Out on the road

Stone cold sober

Too much time to think

I wonder how to break these bad habits

So much easier said than done

Oklahoma City is creepy dank and dingy

But maybe my mind is getting ahead of me

Playing tricks on me

While everyone is buying bigger and better things

I wonder how to rid myself of these belongings

Sometimes easier said than done

I'm glad I traded in new cocaine blvd in for old heroin ave

- June 07, 2014

Third World Country

I want to live in a Third World country in the city by a beach

I'm going to live in a Third World country in the city by the beach

These houses look pretty from the outside

A million years of stories to tell

I wanna live near a killing song

In the dirt near Hong Kong

from Malibu to Manhattan

Dirty secrets

City streets

You sit right by me

Right next to me

I came here with an albatross

Of my past

The stories I hold

So dear but so old

So old so old

I came here despite my fears

Despite my tears

All still smirking

"You miss the suburbs

You dirty lying little girl"

It's a long time ago

A long time gone

- April 15, 2014

Pharmaceutical Sales Rep

I could be your pharmaceutical sales rep

Bring you Valium to you doorstep

Push Prozac from the onset

Support you when you fall

I could be your local drug rep

Your tour guide on your lunch break

The answer to the midday rave

Between clients and your juice cleanse

I could host you at your county jail

Bring you benzos and phosphorous kale

Treat you like the king of Indiga

So you can waltz inn the court room

Whether your behind the desk or in front of the judge

I'll be your best friend

Kinda like a bartender does

But I'll be with you every step of the way

Whatever you need - just say

I'll be your pharmaceutical sales rep

- March 10, 2014

Humor Doesn't Live Where I'm Pretty

"Humor doesn't live where I'm pretty"

Smoking around half head

walking around half dead

Happy doesn't live where I'm sitting (he said)

Another night half hearted

another flashback started

Trouble keeps on ringing

Another reminder she said

The polygamist shakes his head

We're all in a muck

Said the Sitting duck

The quack shakes her head

Money spills on her bills

My restless soul is inside this body that moves too slow

That moves to slow

2013

I Like to Party With Strangers

The miseducation of family values.

The suburbs and the nuclear family

Has made your vision all blurry

Don't believe the lies

Coming out queer

I like partying with strangers

Listen up my dear

There is more safety in danger

Christmas is hollow when we follow

Obligations fall flat

I no longer linger

There is no coming back even if you

I'll give you gift

when I want to my dear

on these deaf ears

Don't let this be the waste

of our years

I no longer quiver

Death to the believer

Christian religious deceivers

That family is somehow better

That blood makes us clever

When we've been ostracized for years and years

for beliefs beyond your fears

Ostracized beyond these tears

beg and plead

I like to party with strangers

There is safety in danger

- December 19, 2013

Sunday Night in New York

Sunday night in New York

These words are my stories

I miss you somewhere in the dark

somewhere I left you out West

Sunday day in New York

The sun shined for an hour

then the snow came tumbling down

and I had to hibernate

I wished you were here

while we watch tv my dear

no reason to go out there

except to go home I fear

Summer will be here

stinky New York summer

and us too

you and me

we are coming here

Desert cold

The sisters the holiday parties

It all sounds fun

But I'd rather stay in

our West Hollywood

SilverLake Downtown apartment

But we will be here next year

Are you ready my dears?

- December 08, 2013

Los Angeles After Midnight

Los Angeles after midnight

Dark city pulsing

Where I love to be

Sometimes I slip into insanity

With the kids

Who dive with me 4,5,6 AM

Slipping and sliding into another reality

(from summer 2012)

- December 08, 2013

Mirror Image

Yes, I am guilty

Yes, I am sorry

But no time for apologies

Let's make things better in this world

Let's start here right now

Let me start with you

Let bygones be bygones

forgive me, myself I do

let go of the past

the old me

the stories

the mirror image

the reflection

let it all go

I forgive you too

For you held my image so tight

Spit me out instead of fight

Never tell me

Never tell me

If you never tell me

How will I know?

So, yes I am guilty

But I see you in me

I can't make it right

If you don't see the light


I Heard You Today

Messages come from the strangest places

Least expected faces

Worried, scaring

Don't die on my left strings and laces

Words don't fall on deaf ears

I am tired after all these years

I don't pretend I have no fears

but I party from behind lines and tears

I heard you today

Two people

Random and not

in the same way

Not my best friends I wouldn't say

But friends none the less if you think of me this way

Please don't you said

Please stop you said

Please don't die like the rest

I heard you today.

- June 19, 2013

10 Steps

It seems as though we are on the precipice

but the dark side keeps trying to reel me back in.

There's a temporary escape but there is more freedom in lightness

Lets spend the evening together

Quickly turns into missed appointments and lost days

Missed calls and my flakey ways

I'm just too busy or too old in my heart

To play this game

Any game

Any heady relationship game

They all wanna play

They all wanna chase

I'd rather stay focused and in place

Than tired and out of step

10 steps behind where I need to be

Which is still ahead of you

Though I always say its not a race

10 steps ahead of you

Since you don't follow me anyway

10 steps and far away

Inside I know

I'd rather not belong to you or anyone for that matter

Anyday

- June 14, 2013

The Sun

Another ex boyfriend is moving out

Because

A lioness does all the hunting

The city of angels is ruled by the sun

A nation under god but over medicated

What's the street called again?

It's named after a tree or flower or something

Let's drive there, no let's walk.

Yes, that will be much more fun.

I will live here in this sun

I will drive to Hollywood once we are done

I will sleep there once in a while

I will die when the sun goes down

- June 01, 2013

It Was Coming

I say I don't

But really I do

I say let's play

But really the game

means so much more

or so much less

than fun

And I pretend it's not

what you pretend it to be

I pretend it's no more

no hope that

we will see

And I lie to myself

then I cry myself to sleep

then 2AM it comes

and another appears

up ahead

and I know

because I don't

want

need

feel

That this must have been real

I wish it meant less

or more to you than me

I wish the shoe fit just like a glove

or a feeling like a bird sits in a tree

I wish I wouldn't fall to flights of fancy or freedom

But I know it's not random or nothing

I know it meant something

To me I know

It was coming.

- March 18, 2013

You Must Go

with a pinata and a pedal with a little bit-a poetry,

a smile was returned to it's usual place

like a bat out of hell.

it takes years and years

it takes guts and tears

it takes a strong pull

It will only go as fast as it will go

but you must go

every day

you must go

for this to grow.

- March 12, 2013

What happened to Psychology

Is it lost in a social marketing media world of life coaches and love coaches and dating coaches

Is it lost in gimmicks and self help dribble?

And what of private practice? Have I strayed too far from the local scene to try and reach an non

reachable international market? A market that takes freely. And gives in only to the fame game.

And my party friends of yesterday what do we have in common anymore?

but the party

my day-to-day seems miles apart and miles away

we do different things by day

I realize I no longer need you to stay

What happened to psychology

is it a numbers game

how many subscribers you have

how many followers you have

how many likes you have

what happened to good ole psychology

investing in your unconscious

following in the footsteps of Freud and Yalom

following the emotional holocaust

the 5 day analysis

Media killed Psychology

the death kiss of it's day

Media took away all the insight

and left us with all it's pain

- March 01, 2013

I Choose Voices

Workaholic and selfish

I don't have time for relationships

a slew of fair weathered friendships

a ton of late night parties

Then I disappear

So many options

I can't be everything to everyone

Nor something to just one

Unless I am someone to me

Center of my own universe

I work hard and I play hard

and in between I sleep

I choose my patients over my friends

I choose my patience over my friends

Until the weekend

I choose my voice then

Callous and cold

I say yes then I say no

but part of me feels like

you had your chance

and now it's my turn.

We all choose

In the end

yes we do

I don't regret my choices

do you?

I don't regret my voices,

either.

It's painful but I do, choose my guitar over you.

- February 25, 2013

The Same Conversations

She went back in Los Angeles

sitting around the living room

everyone was still having the same conversations

saying the same old thing

talking about the same things

over and over again

nothing has changed

She was back in London

It's good to see all my old friends

and have some tea with you again

But you're all still ill

having the same conversations

saying the same things over and over

Nothing has changed

I see your face

You're still going to the same parties

Still going to the same parties

In your red party dress

Nothing stays the same

but nothing has really changed

I now seem some more lines on your face

I now seem some more age and maybe grace

I now see you falling from disgrace

unless you change the pace

the story never changes

and we are all the same

And I'm glad I'm not an actress

I guess I'm glad I'm not an actress

For, who places these words on the city scape

Who is the one trying so hard to please

trying so hard to fit in

Who is the one trying to hide ?

Where is this space so-called safe?

- February 11, 2013

The Wrong Continent

You're so self obsessed it's infuriating

he once said

and little did I know

my friend would beat up your friend

I said

and she says, not my friend

but I met her at your party

I say

the bastard friend

of us bastard children

looking for our mums

looking for a friend

dadless children

walking around

naked

in an unattractive light

with bruises all around

aggression

your blue black eyes

I almost checked myself into

the chateau

the monastery

the chateau du monastery

children of divorce

provencial

she's not French I told the Austrian

and we surmised

the American boys are

all afraid of commitment

thus

we're on the wrong continent.

Intensely wrong.

- January 31, 2013

2012

Friend or Fool?

I have walked alone

I have cried many fears

I have suffered the company of zeros

been torn down by yellow jackets

sworn to tears by scorpions

scratched at and daggers by monkeys and dragons

You can apologize you feel bad for being honest

I am not afraid of the truth

It doesn't mean I will like you

When you can't see the beauty in what is

You can walk away with your tail between your legs

because I stand up for myself

You can try to turn the tables

for your actions

I will gladly walk alone

Today

I will gladly go it alone

my way

I will appreciate your honesty

I will always respect you this

Doesn't mean we have to be friends

Does not mean, we have to be friends

what are friends anyway?

I have many and I have none

In the end, what are they anyway?

A friend or a fool

is it not one in the same?2012 Rock N Roll Night From Hell

Winter December Dark Ale

Coffee computer traffic crazy

Fashion shows no mercy

Fashion knows no mercy

I can't find my name tag

But my style is a little forgiving

If you have style make it forgiving

This Los Angeles haze is making my brain hazy

But I love this time of year

Winter December dark ale

- December 22, 2012

Love and Sex in the Social Network Days

I love seeing your posts

You're beautiful the way you are

From a far

And up close

Next time ill love you better

Than I've ever done before

They say third times a charm

Better than before

She calls it falling in love sex

I call it loving our selves sex

Seeing myself sex

In you sex

Loving like we do sex

See you next time sex

I slip and fall but once I get up

I recall

It's better than the obligatory Sundays yuck days no sex days of yesteryear

- December 21, 2012

Hope and Tolerance

How do you ruin a good thing

With a haze in your eyes that carries you thru city to city

In excess you manage to expunge the memories of what once was

There's hope and there's tolerance

They're not the same

They're not the same

The pursuit of happiness is not found in your liquor

- December 20, 2012

Happy Holidays

Roaming around best buy with tears in my heart and apathy in my eyes

Do you ever feel like you've done it all?

Now

There's nothing left to try or prove

It's just time to live and be

Happy holidays to you and me

The Year of Many Friends and Many Plans

Sometimes I like to ride the bus he said,

with the brides on public transportation

that was after a bomb was dropped

another one perhaps

He's always got something new up his sleeve

I wonder what it will be next, and I busy myself

With this project and that

this idea and that

plans bubbling over next to my bed

a million things unfinished

Till I come home today and I learn to say no

to this girl and that

frivolity, night clubs, and suburban friends

what's the difference I wonder

between impulsiveness and spontaneity

Is doing what I want,

isn't it all the same?

'Twas was the year of many friends

But not anymore

I'm tired of losing focus.

Of trying to fit it all in.

Of trying to be the nice girl.

I've regretted it too much.

He said, he thought it was a play on Geisha

I wanted to go that night

He made me laugh.

I go when I wanna go. The difference is in the knowledge.

Of what you want, and what you need.

He said, it reminded him of beat poetry.

She said I talked like she sang.

They were the best compliment I received.

It was the best compliment I received.

And I woke up with Toronto on the brain.

He said El Salvador. She said, Thailand.

I said Yes, Yes, Yes, but dream of the Sagittarian City

for the writing sabbatical, and of course the New York album.

- December 14, 2012

The Day I Fell Out of Love

Do you remember the day you fell out of love?

I do.

Clear as day

Falling in love was like being hit in the head

Falling out of love felt like being punched in the gut

Did someone tell you, you could never come back?

So I stayed.

And stayed.

And sure enough when I left, that's what he said

And I never turned back

And it was okay

I walked by a beautiful house yesterday

It was like a beautiful dream

I thought it would save me

I thought the beauty could save me

Today I walked by the same house

And it glittered a little less

Our eyes get accustomed to the beauty

But there is safety in being there before

I've been here before

But now I'm bored

Because the love is gone

Or was it all along

Just an illusion

- November 24, 2012

Golf

Let's go play golf on Thanksgiving Day

You Say, A band that plays together stays together

Let's go play tennis on Sunday

Let's go out on a sunny day

This is how the cards get played

When you live your life in this crazy way

This is what you do at the end of the day

Live it like you wanna, live it like you mean it

Let's go have a party on a Saturday

What's new darling, let's not today

Let's stay at home and watch the kids play

Live it like you wanna, live it like you mean it

This is how the cards get played

When you live your life in this crazy way

This is what you do at the end of the day

Sometimes life gets hard and we run away

But this is what we do at the end of the day

- November 22, 2012

Your Girlfriend Your Fling

Thanks for the call and the late night friends

thanks for the reminders and the memories we made

thanks for planting seeds she and he

sharing your energies with me

I asked you why you cared, and you just looked at me

I don't mean to make it awkward, I'm just no good at riddles

I always state the obvious and accept the emptiness it brings

I've got a million friends boy

I've got a million friends girl

Staring down the house

A million pictures made

a view at 6am

is it the 3rd night of this game

Is this what they call feelings?

when you suddenly start to care

start to shift your attentions

from elsewhere

You said, you were angry

I asked you what was wrong

you said this thing we're doing

something new is going on

I never said forever

I never said a thing

I don't want to meet your mom

And, I don't want to meet your friends

I definitely don't want to meet her

Your girlfriend, your fling

- November 21, 2012

The Yes Girls

Not only do the Yes girls get all the guys, all the toys,

and all the action,

all the parties, all the fun

The yes girls get all the work, the pain, the blame game

the yes girls are the scape goat girls, the sex addict girls

Are the party is better- than dinner girls, unless you want me to make you dinner girl,

come over then girl, then come over here, girl

cozy up with me, girl

The Yes girls get lots of love from here and there, they get it from everywhere

the Yes girls get help from boys who love their highs and love their hugs

Yes, girl you can stay the night, just crash here you know? Yes girl

Just sleep girl, no need to worry, girl.

But sometimes the Yes girls wanna hightail it from the noise. Not tonight boys. Once in a while a

Yes girl needs to crash in her own bed with her own toys.

The Yes girls take what they can, and sometimes get saved inch by inch

of these things

by those who cannot save themselves

The yes girl takes what she needs to save herself, but you must save yourself.

- November 14, 2012

Your Mother's Tears

I can't stand your laziness

your toenails I despise

Your lack of motivation

your self loathing deprication

open doors and buzzing flies

you're sitting in the same chair

the same boat for 50 years

your hair is amiss and you're enslaved to

your fears

so put it off, another day, another week

another year

shave the years off your life with every

single misstep of misfortune

blame it on your lack of luxury

blame it on your mother's tears

We all know the truth too far gone

your life never shifts gears

you pontificate oh it will the tides are changing so you say

but never take another shiver down the silver-laden stairs

the dark room

the sleeping till noon

the waiting waiting waiting

for someone else to take charge of your life

because you have nothing to do but pray

and wait and never ever ever change

blame it on your Mississippi mother's rage and incest saddled years

blame it on misfortune

blame it on your fears

blame it on the shifting stars

blame it on the moon

blame it on the weather

blame it on some fool

blame it on yesterday

blame it on the food

blame it on tomorrow

But me, I hate to point the finger but I

blame it on you

- November 12, 2012

The Mystery of 1000 Nights

I'm not who you think I am

I'm not who you think me to be

Be it pretty princess or ladylike

Next thing you know it's 8am

My lips are sealed

Not trying to hide the devil from your eyes

My skin changes colors

You can see things aren't the way they seem

A false dream you once had of me

A nightmare

You wake up in the dark

Something's not right

with me or my friends

Hiding in the shadows

Coming out after dark

In your peripheral you can make out our face

The smile behind our eyes hides

the mystery of 1000 nights

- October 14, 2012

Fake As it Seems

I'm so tired of this lack of RnR

Rest and Relaxation

I'm so tired of the old ways of got to convince you I'm cool

Just because I dated women and got high far too much

Yea, that means I'm cool

When in fact

But you didn't instead you hated me

Banished me, vanished me, vanquished me, relinquishing your dreams

I'm tired even today after all these years the way you hated

still seeps in me, sits within me, rises to the surface when I see the exchanges

Your camaraderie fake as it seem

- October 14, 2012

Trying to Derail Me

You live in fear, you wanna put the fear in me

you say they're gonna come

they're gonna take our dignity

I have to say it

It's just another infamy

Why don't you just do good work

and stop trying to derail me

I'm just trying to do good work

and you trying to put the fear of god in me

Are you doing God's work

in the name of blasphemy

I've got enough obstacles in my mentality

a mind which listens to much

has too much empathy

and all the energies

all trying to derail me

And if I seem distant it's self protection

killing the spiders in my brain

that have been living there too long

living there for too long

- October 02, 2012

Love The Worldly Way

You can Love and not Love the worldly way

the way they tell us we need to Love

to be in Love

the supposed ways of Love

You can be in Love in many ways

and not be joint at the hip

and suffocating jealous possession ways

you can Love and not need

you can Love and not want

you can Love without desire

you can Love and just be

Love

You can live Love

You can breathe Love

You can share Love

and exist in the free space

Love is in you

Love is inside you

Love is beside you

Love is within you

Love is your smile

smiling to yourself within

Love is settled way beneath your skin

It's not too late for Love

It's never too late to begin


Simple Girl

I'm inspired but tired

On Sunday I wanted New York

On Monday it was Italy

Today I want simplicity

I wanna hide from the world

and linger without duplicity

She said to me once, so many years ago.

You're a Simple Girl. While she robbed me of my innocence and sucked me dry.

Her double lives of honesty and lies, deceit and compromise.

Then she'd decide. She would always decide

I am a simple girl, to which I wish to return

A book, a song, then sleep will come.

I am a simple girl, alone and simple.

I wish I'd told her then.

- June 01, 2012

Albatross

Albatross all week in my head

around my neck

about this guy, this thing, these things

and all those suffering in the world.

Because even in my lucky world

This never ends

I've been privileged for 40 years

Something my eastern sisters will strive for lives to come

As their daughters and sons get closer

I've been here forever

In the drunken haze I fall around again

a lady beautiful ensmired with my drive diligence ambition

And we laugh and talk and hug and she's gone

Los Angeles rock city but lawyers doctors and rockers alike come to my party and share their

drugs

My doctor says gluten compromises mt immune system

But cocaine strengthens my blood

Don't worry sister you may die soon but drugs will strengthen your soul.

In this drunken haze I live out my days in sunny Los Angelees

Rich succesful happy blissful

And High

- May 26, 2012

An Old Man

You pouting your lips befuddled and overthinking

and I think to myself I love you old man

You once were a baby, I knew you in your youth

but not really that long

it must have been a dream

a distant memory

of when you were saddled and crazy

manic and hazy

crashing your self into lazy

upon lazy

I managed to know you and get over the untruth and see you for you

and now you're old

where did the time go?

You once were a flamboyant flaming raving mad lunatic

annoying and disheveled

but now you've come into your own

the side that I love is coming through more and more

and Ahhh I see now it's an armor

that I find sexy

a way that is undeniably you

- March 31, 2012

Fucking Old

You can't help who you love

They hold up the sky while we piss down below

They love us in their emptiness their sorrow

They love us even if they've nowhere to go


the ones who suffer in their empty hearts

who salvage inside your depressed and calloused soul

still loving empty lonely hair pulling girl

you can't help who you love

Tonight I'm going to find some lesbians

Tonight I'm going to find the ladies

Eating babies in Los Angeles


the water is falling from above

the sky is ripping apart in pieces

he's sitting on his carcass

He can't help me, he can't help who he loves.

Somedays love turns to love

in love and dripping blood

Somedays all you need is a hug

Most days love is too much of a drug

Isolation and despair take hold

the lonely cloudy days I can no longer take

empty as the day is long the night is dark

and my world is falling apart

There is too much time and life is too fucking long


It's a fucking shame and it's getting fucking old.

I'm so tired of this rigmarole.

- February 11, 2012

We're All Artists

We're all artists in this town

In the same boat

You and I

Whether you've succumbed to the 9 to 5

or you live in a cardboard box

We're all artists

You and I

We're all creators in this scene

Friends of mine

I don't see you very often

But a blurb here and there

about a show, a success of some other

I see you

I hear you

I applaud you

We're all struggling to make our mark

We're all struggling to make a dime

We're all working hard all the time

On our craft

For our lives

It's not easy for you and I

I need more sleep most of the time

But somedays I strike a balance between creation and art

And to that end I'm working honing that part

We're all trying yes we are

We are all slaves to the sound

We're all working the day around

Hoping someday we'll be found

- January 29, 2012

I No Longer Desire Things Like A Child

The sky opened up today

As you spoke those words I'd heard so many times before

But In the light of this new day.

I'm sorry I'm not in love like before

But not sorry those days were cloudy confused desperate

Today so clear these skies

Not a single cloud in my eye.

Your steadfast strength

I cannot own

Nor do I wish to anymore

By your side

I hope to help you rise

This is the 2nd half of my life.

You still make me cry

Tears spill from my eyes

But it's just the old stuffs I say

The fears of our old deaths

Trauma seeps in

I still dream of you at night

And dream about a life of ours

But things are different now

I no longer desire things like a child

Except to live my life the way I've got to do

Within me inside you if it means

Things are different now

Time to see things in a different light.

- January 17, 2012

Saving of Souls and Lives

On saving these souls our souls our lives

I've got to save us from your own demise

Traffic and ties

Ladies of the night

I'd say it's about time

Before we cross the line

Never to come back

Never to go home

Music and cycles

Planets that move

stories and projects

and subtle things groove

I've got to find us and reach deep inside

I've got to gather us out of this pride

Because in the end I need this also

to save my life

- January 16, 2012

2011

Gay is Rock 'n' Roll but better.

Visions of power lesbians dance in my head

The Mormons, the Prostitutes and some Rock 'n' Roll

She says

The straight men are all just upset

The gay men are out having all the fun

Having all the sex

Always getting laid.

If only they could decipher the anger, I say

Except the rock n roll guys they get the best of both worlds

Dress up like women and fuck who they want

Do what they want

She says.

I say, gay is Rock 'n' Roll but better.

Gay has always been better.

In these days my photo will change

As I will wear more chains and more chains

And he points says I came across different

He kinda thought he was alone

I've been feeling this way for years

Since I started

Airy-fairy hippy-dippy sexology is not my style

From the mountain towns

Gay atheist educators, we're from downtown

But I don't say this out loud.

Don't want to offend the others by being too proud.

But

Me too, I think, as a creator I don't need to say it out loud.

- December 10, 2011

Pretending I'm Brave

I'm not brave

If I was I'd be somewhere out in the cold

Maybe not alone

Braving with my soul

But I'm not brave

I've nestled down and playing a role

one which I abhor

I'm not brave

I'm not adored

on the contrary

faking it

when I'm really bored

Cozy little family

You don't really love me

How could you?

You don't even know me

Everyone just going along

Consumed by woes of credit and taxes

of paychecks and masses

shielding ourselves with maskes

laxes Demascus Rose.

I'm so not brave, just confident with airs

and the gift of gab

well spoken with an air of royalty

and the gift of gab.

I'll probably have a drink and let the moon do it's duty

And then I'll probably sink into a heavy sleep.

Nothing will change and I'll continue to pretend that I'm brave.

- November 24, 2011

Of Withdrawing and Creation

This is exactly what I need

I've got insight and ideas brimming at my knees

I've got memories and dramas of things I once believed

I've got rhythm and blues and a blouse that needs hemming

shoes that are scuffed and ladies in waiting

This is exactly what I need

I've got the things which no longer deserve my time

but that which I still deliver

people and places, creations and things

manifestations of projects I did as a fling

prolific he calls it

though others may call it flighty

I've got to keep moving

on and on away from things which hold me back

keep me in place by fear of withdrawing

a fear of withdrawing

And continue this creation

I've got songs coming out of my left ear and each shoe

I've got a message in a bottle that says

"I am going to eat you"

I've got movies and books and words galore

I've got business ideas that'll deplete you to the floor

so let's stop this madness this mayhem this biting

let's stop this insulting, general hating and fighting

Eat your veggies if you want desert

and be the last one standing if you want to get there first

And stop lying to yourself that all the rest matters

accept the truth as it hits you face like a mad hatter

Sing the songs out loud at the top of your lungs

And feed your babies the best food even if it means moving on

And as my mother told me once,

"Follow the road that is in front of you"

It's there if you look, right there in front of you

Forming, can you see it with your every move.

- November 17, 2011

Ghost of Halloween Past

Still hanging on after years and years and years of despot

and drone

and knowing what I know

still seeking approval when you are long gone

dead in the ground

it should be

for things are long gone.

Sure there are flights of fancy

you come when you're around

sure there are fits of energy

you call when you are one

and you pulled it together for me

one entire week of reverie

and beyond that there is nothing

Nothing left of you and me

I still call you my friend though I beg to differ

I make the efforts and without alcohol

you wither

but in times you've come through

because deep down you do care

deep down past all the judgment

self-doubt and critical analytical

there is a creative mind that cares.

and after a night of creative inspiration

with open hearts and new joie de vivre

reminders that x is

a generation that feeds it's souls.

I feel the judgment slip away for a moment

for a moment I am free

and recognize the judgment

is in me

I carry the torch within me

a seed you planted

that still haunts me

like the ghost of Halloween past.

to the detriment of my own soul.

And what is there to see is that the only judge left

is me.

- October 15, 2011

Sing Unto You

Singing sighing

I was, eyelash, eyeliner

who cares it's all the same

the words will come when the sun sets

it's not time for that, midnight

the sound comes first, middle of the night

the melody comes at 1AM

the music first midnight

the rock n roll. all night

lady shining light

I've no time for words these days

but the lavishly singing I want not to behave

I just want to come home

and sing sing unto you

my guitar in my arms

and sing unto you

- October 07, 2011

September Slow

Virgo sun shifted quietly in as my leo rising sank into the dim

September is almost here my friends

September boys quietly move in

With your loyalty, integrity, dependency lack of social malignancy

Virgo September boys are still waiting

I shift in my skin, anxious, driving and driven

I determine and determinedly move necessity to prove

my artistic nature, my creative nature. when it should soothe.

soothe me in and out

it should soothe.

September boys, diligently move, decidedly and peacefully

though I know anxiety is yours too

And all the April girls know, that everyone else moves much too slow.

- August 25, 2011

Follow Thru

In these new days of sobriety

I am so wide awake

empty in my gut

sad without my love.

I gotta keep writing

I gotta keep playing

something prevents me

I keep on straying

self sabotaging

self betraying

It's not like I have forgotten you

I just fear the moment I touch you

your silky black frame

and strong six strings

you melt like butter in my fingers

But I so easily freeze

in the freezing days

of blur and burr

I so easily take up

cheaply with new friends

and the old

wanting to be the druggie in me

wanting to think it can be good forever

I've hurt many along the way but mostly I've hurt myself

easily giving in to the buzz buzz buzz

any day

in fact every single day

complaining about the extensive long work days

but then making up with disaster in between

waking up with a massive headache and days lost

in between

It's not that I ignore you

touching your shiny white skin

because when I play you

the black notes in between

the minor minor songs I've written

However unfinished

I feel blessed and happy

shiny again

Yes, I am writing for work

Writing this and that

Writing about what I learned

Yes, I'm doing what feels right to my heart

but why do I constantly leave out the art?

Even though every now and again

I come back around

I throw myself in again

But fear and doubt seep slowly in

It's true

I'm the creator, not the victim

I'm the creation of a victim in her own skin

I hear the words coming out of my mouth

about him or her or them or that

I hear them resonate

I break down barriers for the world

but for some reason I can't tear em down

within

So the time is now

I'm setting new goals

again

but this time I've had enough

of trying to pretend

Making time in your schedule is not enough

follow thru is the only thing that wins

in the end.

- July 09, 2011

Waiting for Fall

My friends these days

I see you getting old

breaking bones

withering stones

No longer the spriteful youthful invincible bodies

no longer the carefree, willful attitude of spring

Summer has set full swing, on this wheel of life

slowly we are

Waiting for Fall.

Many having your young children now

Some you're still out there trying find your home

trying to find your space

Tired of being alone

But things burn down, bodies break down

And we still gotta keep going.

Youth is so different.

We always think there is an end goal.

Never knowing we've reached it.

But we've all worked so hard for so many years

The desire is no longer the same

But our muscles know nothing else

We will work and stress as we always have

Always still playing the game.

Despite these things, age, getting in the way.

And all we do recognize things that were important once

are laughable now

we had fun oh sure we did

but style is within

now is the time to let it out

dear friend

shopping and nails

you don't have a choice.

you once did

but now you're tired

and it's a-ok

to enjoy life

do the good work

and then enjoy life.

- June 07, 2011

The Blind Leading the Blind

Whoever said we are supposed to be mature adults, well they barely have a clue

Whoever said that we as youthful parents barely have a clue?

Most friends my age are having babies, perhaps already but with small children

It's few and far between that are parenting young adults, tall teens

who complain and know better

who break rules but know better

and don't care

but still look to us for guidance,

young, smiling, yet sometimes tragic struggling artists living,

When did I stop believing that I was still young?

I was bitter and dispositioned at being misplaced

at the edge of 40

confused as old disproved and rushed

And have we forgotten it was just yesterday, last night in fact

we were playing rock n roll

this morning laughing from a hungover an all night of ecstacy and wine

partying until the sun shown in the sky

And have we forgotten we are still the rock n roll children

we own the night, yes still

in our high heels

in our boots

in our fishnet mascara houndstooth

and truth be told, yes we can lead these kids all right

we are not the blind leading the blind

No, we don't hide and pretend, feigning those adult lies

We are who we are in our 30's with teens in our wake

with teenagers in our wake

barely young enough to be old parents

but we're definitely there

- May 29, 2011

Open Road Rapture

So I am drinking wine again, after staying up all night until 10AM with you

And I'm tired but focused

Happy but sad

My life has changed oh yes it has

just a year ago

a houseful or rock n roll

now daddy boy children

our lives continue to unfold

the early days and dreams were somehow preserved

but too many late nights lonely

not out on the road

we reasoned but one day

we reckoned frozen to the bone

cold and alone

So we're onto new creative projects

though the old ones still forge us

and somedays I falter

as I miss the freedom concept

open road rapture

Do the right thing

And I will support you

I always thought boundaries

were forceful

Suggesting wrong or good

I never thought boundaries were personal

respect me you fool

But no longer can we play the fool

4 decades in

no longer can we let this happen

We can't let the weak win

Wisdom is strength only when exercised

Wisdom and strength are good when exercised.

When you're onto something good something real

just persevere

The promise you can feel

I guess the saddest part is that if it's good

it doesn't mean it's right

and if it's right, it might not feel good

but what road you choose is it the one that rules the roost?

- May 15, 2011

Depressed girls make good art....

Depressed girls make good art

Saddened by loss and confused and misunderstood still driven

To create

Depressed girls ambitious and motivated

in the Los Angeles sun

in the San Fernando Valley heat

driving

in the desert sun

driving

Sad girls make good music

make good sounds

not accepting defeat

not willing to look back into the eyes of the mother

or the eyes of the beholder

not willing anymore to

re-write the story

over and over

Angry, used, misjudged and misunderstood

slender arms exposed and confused

long legs tanned and bruised

Lonely girls making good art, films, music and books

Eaten up inside, the flesh intolerant and skewed

Ambitious and hungry from the outside it seems

Depressed and driven

only when exposed from within

And the happy girls are still sick from pretending

Tired of lying

and vomiting up their lunches

- May 05, 2011

Unabashedly America

People unabashedly bash America. Americans, who have lived here all their lives. Like myself

born and bred in America.

There was a time when born and bred in America was a good thing as exemplified by the Born

in America plaque complete with an Eagle and a Harley Davidson motorcycle that is hanging on

the bedroom wall of the California suburban home I grew up in.

People bash America. And I am guilty of doing the same. Having traveled around the country

and the world, drawn to culture, color and the third world. Drawn to the overseas, the different,

the cities, the light, I have hated America and it's vast nothingness lacking culture and color.

And Americans.

But I always come back to the comforts and simple comfortable blissful freedom of America. I

always crave the open empty roads of a place I call home. Deserts and dry land. Marsh,

mosquitoes and swamps. Mountains, trees, covered in snow, sunny beaches and warm sand,

miles and miles and miles of open empty road. Blissful, sunny, warm, dried up, unaware,

ignorant, and alone America. Unabashedly America. America stands alone. But there was a

time I hated America. And I still do in so many ways. I deplore and despise it's empty souless

ways. It's racist presidents and faux democracy. It's pretense and lies. We hate it here and we

think there is a better place. We finally have a black president and we're still not happy. We

focus on his short comings, and the fact that gay marriage is not legal. But how many of us

would get married if it wasn't prescribed by society to begin with. We're backwards and

unhappy, we blame America because we have no one else to blame. We blame Bush and his

inside jobs. Yes, it's a fucked up corrupt place to be. But it's America. Still. At least we still have

our speech.

Unabashedly America. We have poverty on our streets. We're sad and we want to help. We see

the poverty of the 3rd world. We're sad and we want to help. We are blessed and fortunate to

live in a place where we can help.

Yet, we love to complain. And, guess what in America we complain.

America. A place where we can get in our car and drive. Where a woman, can get in her car

and just drive. Stop in the middle of nowhere and take a shower at a truck stop.

The Free Open Road

I smiled shocked and in awe when a woman told me she would drive from Los Angeles to

Colorado and stop at a truck stop to take her shower. An unabashed American woman.

Unabashedly American.

Fuck it.

America still exists. And we Americans still exist. We still love and live and dream of a place to

be Free. A place of Freedom. We still breathe in the hope of Freedom. And everyday more and

more people land in America, step foot across the Southern borders to call this place home, to

claim a piece of the Freedom.

I've traveled the world too. All us Americans who so quickly and easily bash the land that we've

called home, we've been lucky to call home, that gave us shelter and safety. A place to speak

out against the war in the rest of the world. While others are dying. Still, all we can focus on is

how we were lied to and how the other people lived and dided. It's not just, no it's not fair, but

then again, who said life was fair? We get to write, speak out, talk about how unfair it is to be an

American. An unabashed American. And now it's considered so UnAmerican to be proud to be

an American.

- April 27, 2011

I dont wanna clean up nicely.

this week I said

I don't want to be prim and proper and acceptable for your tv show

I don't want to clean up nicely.

- April 01, 2011

Keep Writing

Keep Singing

Keep Playing

I am reminded to find some peace

Assured that it's all okay

Trying not to force these things

As it has to happen naturally

We stopped controlling things the day we let it go

And we have to still practice letting go

We cannot control so many little things

The little noble things

Walking with so little life left

I guess I'm seeing symbols and meaning where there doesn't need to be

But I still feel sad.

I still feel the mourning.

A life could not be saved.

He was supposed to stay with me for much longer than this.

Sweethead sing about turning their backs on a loaded gun.

Those times were fun despite the fighting.

And we could have done so much more fun

But we too turned our backs on the loaded guns.

Silly little childrun.

- March 23, 2011

The Wrong Place and a Timely Death

I'm in the wrong place

Dying an untimely death

Mornings are a hustle b of emails and madness

and who's who on the other end

In few hours in, I should be composing

Singled out ideas, writing and supposing

But instead I'm hear tedious and imposing

the world of education

measly. fear and loathing

of the parents of a past generation

non supportive

hold on to your day job is the saying

it still after 20 some odd years

painfully staking

striking and hating

it doesn't encourage the painting

I hate you I want to scream at the top of my lungs

I hate the fear you've instilled at the back of my throat

I hate you for you're simple ways

Divided and angry

I want to walk away from a family you just won't get it

Won't ever support it

Who even in my rebellious way I am still trying to push away

I hate you and your view points.

They got me to this point today

And I'm not doing what I want to be doing.

I have to stop doing what you say.

- March 16, 2011

Year of the Rabbit

The music comes back to haunt me

But in a sweet way

I wonder if I'll ever be writing and playing like I'd wanted

Yet I see I've done a lot

More than I had thought I would

There may be more to come

Some songs are left unfinished

Some songs are left unsung

Some projects I left behind

Though I could definitely guide and ride along

as I see the fans are growing.

Or I could hop

Like the Year of the Rabbit

might.

And drink from morning to night

Like Charles Bukowski might

and write.

That would be nice.

Living in safety is not living, some say

but it's better than fighting for your life.

- March 14, 2011

Olden Ways of the Olden Days

Here it is again, not the same person you are within

but someone influenced by the chaos and cockiness of Los Angeles

Here you go again, not the same person we shared a moment,

but it passed and now you're back to your old ways

some things never change

seasons change but really they stay the same

fashion changes but comes back around again

why not recycle we're taught in so many ways

it's impossible to let go of the old days

recycle means hold onto don't let it go to waste

people are starving in Ethiopia, remember those days 1983

famine came their way

and so we're told not to waste our plate

but so many things got wasted anyway,

and then some things they never change.

Olden ways of the olden days

her heathen ways of her feathered hair mess and lipgloss glaze

far below the stare of her drunken gaze

of all the things I had to say

I never got to say

Stop wasting your time with the ones who will go nowhere.

And drag you down with them.

I wonder when I got so vain.

- January 25, 2011

It's Now or Never

Words abound about love and art

And I throw up my hands at the sheepishness of academia

Rebelling at the cause of

Always falling back on the follow

But then suggestions about

Squeezing it in 30 minutes here and there

It's not ideal

but No, I'm not a millionaire either

I have to do what I have to do

And what gets started now can be realized by summer

It's painted in my stars

The words I wanna write the ones in the my head

So what if it's 3AM

It's now or never.

I liked what you said, about it being an excuse

Idealism aside

Let's be real.

- January 25, 2011

To Do The Real Work

Driving on this side of the mountain, I can feel you on the other side

Something tells me the story isn't over

I popped up on the time line, someone else gave me an idea

It sounded so much like yours

And of course you were there, like you'd never faltered to be

Like I always imagined you to be

I recalled how I came to believe

Sipping wine I crash in the early hours

by wee morning I'm up and seeping tippy toeing baby kitten

by after hours I'm no longer sleeping seething worrisome

seeing things no after glow.

just wanting to do the good work

but hell, just wanting to do the work

If someone would just set me free to do the real work.

- January 13, 2011

Bitching and Moaning

I remember the 99cent days

buying gifts for each other and our friends

I remember the lipgloss madness the betty boop sticky notes

You wanted me to be comfortable and happy

But I only bitched and moaned

I remember being scared and alone

it wasn't my time

I remember wanting to own the

bohemian lifestyle

You made it be mine

You gave me what I wanted in every which way

I got what I wanted

You told me what I wanted you to say

My ears were filled with feline gossip

you just wanted to fit in

I guess what I needed to hear is how wrong I was

and what a bad decision I was makin

But you thought it was the right choice

And maybe you're still right.

And now I am stuck with this bitching and complaining

no time to write or wander aimlessly through the dollar store

Still craving balance

In an unfulfilled world of madness

I still muster at what you gave me

I still flounder with what I want

One day its security the next its a bedside table

with empty bottles and lots of books

Overall I know I am right in being here right here right now

But knowledge only soothes me somewhat knowing you gave me what I wanted

Until that day it broke

Until that day we broke.

- January 12, 2011

The Ghost That is Within Me

Shallowness and sadness ensues, but I want to believe we can get by with very little

and that that greed of a country doesn't phase me, will no longer phase me.

And I want to say I have finally uncovered the fear or mess of living in a space

And that was that it is beyond what is meant for me.

What is possible, feasible and real for me as a unity.

Uni, Solo, or unsolidarity.

I crave for a simpler life and simpler existence

and I crave for nothing new. nothing. just the old and simplistic

And if you hadn't noticed this is all bullshit I am not sure who what or why

Where I was trying to be, live, what I was trying to be, and why I am trying to impress me?

And, now when I say going underground, I don't mean I am going to give up the lipstick

Does this mean it is a shallow irreverant meaningless chide, carrying a simple tote with your Chanel

sunglasses, when you're a sample sale bride? I cannot even stand to write because I'm standing forever

in the moonlight, of darkness. There is not enough light.

I am screaming inside for the mess I created, mess I caused, mess I believed would save me my sanity

but in the end it became a burden which ate away at the innards every single day.

It didn't work the way it should have, on paper plates I never ate.

So I straddled the worlds, coming from too much, never giving up the ghost, wanting to have too little, but

unable to live down the five stars.

Now, I say is when am I going to stop doing the things doing the do's, reality please save me from the

mess that could drag me under further, drag my soul any deeper down under. I wonder if it is ultimately

doomed. There is little pleasure in writing the words anymore as solvenly duty and the worldliness of the

world has taken over my entire body and soul.

I still remember the day at the Laundromat, somewhere in the Valley. Reading the posted notes in

Spanish. Broke and blissful. I wish I could hang on to that day. It was a hot day in LA.

I wanted a return to slim pickings, but when I got there I froze my ass off and when I returned to a warm

safe space, I see it is sucking me dry statistically, realistically, fundamentally, I want to give it all away. I

think I would give it all away. Although quitting doesn't suit me, and I don't want to throw anything away.

Didn't I work hard and struggle? Probably not. Sometimes I feel like a spoiled imbicile. Why do I deserve

this grail? Because, somehow, it doesn't make sense. None of it. The world between safety, warmth and

simplicity that I straddle daily.

I said I wanted the wheels and since then I have changed my mind and as I write I like to think that I have

given up that ghost but I have yet to find solidarity in the ghost that is within me. Because despite my

strength, I know the influence and judgment of the worldly wordy despots may continue to dig in me.

Can we go to a different plane and still live in the City of Angels, or any mega city or suburb in the

Western world for that matter, or are we forever doomed to straddle that of the plight of la boheme and

the business man?

- January 07, 2011

Going underground, for a bit.

So, I'm going off the radar a bit

I'm going underground a bit

Your materialism is a farce and confuses me a bit

Can't fake it

She stays with him, a bit

And we shook our tale feathers a bit

but Rock n Roll still lives

There is still time to save your soul

Followed the faces a bit,

Facebook stalking some call it

Remember Rock n Roll is real

And the time is now to save it

Wake up fall over this week

Splitting head ache it seems

The work it never ends

but today I'm going underground

I'm taking back what was ours

and giving it to the kids

the kids of our youth

the kids we were in our youth.

The shadows linger a bit

The days of plenty falter a bit

The days of communism and war coming our way

in a bit

I'm not a prophet nor do I know much of anything

But the youthful days of freedom and plenty have gone

and we've got to sacrifice face and hide a bit

We've got to give up the ghost

a bit

We've got to go hungry and want and need and fear

a bit

Or we can run off to Spain or somewhere warm in Central America

or Florida and hide out a bit

But the world will be changing in a bit

And to be prepared is something illegit

But we are Legit, until we go underground and then

We're on the lam, running, hiding

and that's what it must be for a bit.

- January 06, 2011

2010

Solemn

Solemn smile

Solemn face

Please don't waste your feminine beguiles

naivete to accept thee any which way

people love thee when you are beautiful

but don't see what is beneath

suffering and fear

and whatever else

and yet here we are running near

Solemn face

I won't disgrace

myself by giving myself away

to that place

of ass kissing

ass giving

to another unwitting face

another big name

another snotty upper hand card holder

when you give nothing in return

when you don't deserve that space.

- December 23, 2010

Over

The boys of the valley

Who's glory days are over

Long gone disjointed tattooed parlor misfortune

Gone are the days in the clover

The boys of the valley in their rattlin’ machines

A tough guy appearance

Big and burly and mean

And the girls of the valley with curvaceous swinging misleading

Where you headed your way down to death row

Beheading the way down to death row and destruction

Long haired sex goddess ladies swaying hips

big boots and Marilyn lips

Gentleman's club on every corner

Sipping some beer with your pizza supper

Yummy, ignorant bliss

Tough tatted valley boys who once were a misnomer

Desired and outnumbered now a plethora you are all over

A dime a dozen a million to one you are all over

On top of the world on top of the busty girls

Charming smiles and chiseled chins

Boys of the valley, once you were wanted all over

Wanted all over

Swimming pool patio party down by the wash

Driving to the BBQ in your Range Rover

Hairdresser girl, Bartending ladies,

Bouncer Valley Boy

But 'tis sad but true.

The days of the Valley are over.

- December 09, 2010

Any Real Sense.

Gotta write one more poem about it

Even though my piano came tuned

And I don't think it's gonna happen anymore

I just can't imagine it would happen anymore

After you sold everything you had

everything you'd ever owned

Another failed band

Another talented artist

I sleep at night knowing

I did whatever I could to do.

I followed my dream the passion

I followed myself through

I can only do it for me

So I'm throwing it away

I'm throwing it all away

Chalking it up to a bad investment

I failed myself in this way

All I can say is I believed

And what a great journey it has been

tremendous growth and a sigh of relief

that from here on out

and here within

I'm throwing away all the plans we made

all the plans I believed in

I'm throwing them all away

And starting a new beginning.

Not attached to these investments

Though sadness and letting go is real

my eyes and heart will forever look fondly

in these vision I once could feel

I now look to a new dawn

a sunrise I can sense

Towards making sense

Though non of it much ever made any real sense.

- November 21, 2010

Letting Life Get in the Way

And I forgot the empty promises

so familiar

I forgot the bitter matches evil stares

so peculiar

I forgot the ugly malaise

the illness from within

I forgot how hard I tried

even got sick

Time and time again

I had a momentary weakness

they say Venus is retrograde in Scorpio

so here I am perhaps running back

to places maybe I should not go

And maybe I'll just venture alone

Don't want to rely on prison smiles

Judging and cold

And this running to familiar arms

is bitter and old

But take it for what it is worth

The streets of foreign cities call

After hours pubs, where style and art may crawl

Keep the smiles to a minimum

You're on another road

Keep your smiles for the recognized

the ones who doth behold

This time I'm letting go. I've thrown the pictures away

This time I'm getting old. Letting life get in the way.

- November 09, 2010

My Stupid Memory Faded

I cannot remember the remembering day

I cannot the remember the point

the hands slowly stopped prying

apart my seams

I can't seem to remember the irresponsibility

I cannot seem to remember the insanity

I can only remember the handshake

After that the rest was stupid.

And in the end all of this is stupid.

And in the darkest hour of the night

Alone

Who doesn't want to become one with the night

Taking death by its hands

Into the emptiness

Like my stupid memory which faded

Anyway

- November 07, 2010

He cannot display unto you.

He came through like a storm lighting up the whole sky.

But don't forget the rain are the very tears from his eyes.

And the aftermath is his belly in disguise.

Ravaging ingesting that which he doesn't despise.

For despot is King in his well.

From which the emptiness doth swell.

Girls, Don't let the rhythm fool you,

the earth shaking disown you,

for he doesn't even know you,

no he doesn't even owe you.

Your momentary lapse of cognizance won't save you.

Know that it will only slave you.

Know it will deeply enslave you.

His ratchet and racket is meant to disarm you.

His rickety rocket is meant to maim you

His antithesis army will engage and claim you.

But he cannot love you.

He has his ways but he cannot display unto you.

He cannot give in, he cannot give in

And his love is designed to despair you from within.

Designed to desiccate you within.

His anger will always get the best of him

and he may think it, act it, live it

but in reality he'll never win.

- November 02, 2010

His Hero

There was so much left to save, but with limited resources his heart just didn't have the strength.

He left with his tail tucked deeply between his legs.

And what he left behind was a prayer that from this we would all grow.

Staring out onto the street, curled up with his legs under. This furry friend we've all made. I

imagine he is waiting, looking, and wondering why his best friend, his savior, his hero, rarely

comes home anymore. And for him my soul bleeds.

When you take a wounded soul under your wings, for the betterment of man, of our world, at

what point is it okay to say no, no more, it's time to let go.

It's one thing to shelter a child from a storm, a whole other to shelter a grown man

from the path, his road. And to bring in this furry creature into our home, who would one day

become this pillar of sadness for me, well that was something we could never have known.

For this, my little four-footed whiskered critter, is where my heart suffers most.

- October 07, 2010

The Princess Who Kissed the Frog

My feet hurt

for standing too long

in the shower line

waiting for you

to pick up the phone

on the other end

it rang rang rang to no avail

And she's survived the rain storms all to well

But she looks to me I know she does

I can see

and when the month ends

it will be just she and me

her and I

me and she, no three

What tree, down ward facing dog,

God do you believe?

I dare not ask the sexy slut fiends

I can barely force myself to stay awake

Barely staying alive

sustained by this life support

breaking into a sweat

filling up with vomit

Here on this vine

drinking this wine

where my soul is gradually being cleaned out

Two years and counting

But there it is

I got what I want

You always get what you want

whether it be

la boheme, ladies and art

and now

It is time to move on.

Some iridescent plane to take you far away from this place

Some incandescant town nearby a magical fairy tale space

I woke up thinking

Yes, I think its time.

For yet another game a magic spell to cast

between my teeth

some different sheaths

But you cannot run away from yourself

You can only run towards the truth

You can run into the woods

But chances are you are too big for the trees

So pack a toothbrush

We're going abroad

To find the Princess who created a Prince when she kissed the Frog.


I Vow to Suffer

I'm sorry I should’ve come alone

My fear it taketh over

Next time I'll know better

So I say

Today was a debut of sorts

Birds of a feather

You would've been an outsider

But still I wished all together

Even considered

Fear completely taken over

Then it was over

Much better to suffer

From now on I vow to suffer

From here on out I vow to suffer


Killing Time and Sanity Slips

Shears in the nursery, life by a wasps nest.

hoe weeds then potted cactus in the rough.

Ladies staring me down in their langley loving gowns

friends so many who don't frown

I can sense it

Don't get me down

Licking things together we wander

Family fidelity this town

Slipping sliding I'm gyrating under

I don't mean to scare there

But a Change is abound

Freaking myself out

Alone and ablunder

Is there room to have you living here under

The same roof tin roof Rustin

Would you care sleepovers and other boys

trustin’ the gardenin’ the pullin’ of weeds

Laughter and love helps me with the things that I need

But generous love will batten down the hatches at the beach

And leave me in the desert cultivating in this heat

Even though I can hear the girls sayin’ no girl no

Freedom amidst the memories makes it bittersweet and sanity slips

That's when I want recognizance near

That's when I miss recognizance here

Even though I say it's over my dear, there is something in my heart

In this house, that tells me

In order to be, I cannot go on living here.

Alone with the kitty. Who makes me sad and lonely.

These bohemian streets.

Though I love the thought. I'm only

killing time here.

- August 22, 2010

The Owner of Encino

He's gutting windows and popping pills

He's got seven children and golden gills

He's got wings coming out of his shoulder

And a belt made of steel

I'm sad and sickened and horrified at once

He said he'd make it all better and continued to pounce

His time is drawing nearer to an end he's not 27 anymore

By this age things must be underway you are getting kind of old

He's up to his old habits shopping Nabisco biscuit

He's got no insight so very little control

He's jaded and he's bitter

He's not willing to own

It's empty where his heart once stood

His children are alone

A caregiver he could've been but unwilling to conform

even a little bit to grow away from where he's gone

Unwilling to let go

The kids neglected with no clothes

I'm shopping for things to fill up this

empty perception of a basket

But then I turned the corner

and found the shopping cart was full.

I am always willing to find ways to avoid the eternal casket

When the empire of Encino falls

I'll take it to the hills.

- August 18, 2010

Hollow Fear Pain Grind

Who are those people I've played in rock bands with?

Some olympic medal souls cracking of a whip

Stealing of hearts, bodies and mind, including mine

left over hollow fear pain grind

God I followed with all my heart

One foot behind the other

Deliberate head down smart

Marching willing purposefully blind

Swallowing masterful dysfunction arrogance

Drinking it down with wine

I've begged and begged each and everyone to stay

Down on my knees, face tear-stained

But in the end I could not hold what was not

meant to stay

Some say

Part fabulous, party dirty

one day clean,

Next day tattered, disheveled, rock n' roll queen

Living some circus life vagabond dream

I haven't managed to love you the right way

We haven't managed to meet in the middle

half way

She gives - we take, You take - I leave but nothing,

nowhere, never, no how, never land seems to breathe

Giving soft prodding along

Diligently loving gilded and gray

But I feel accomplished

I gave it my all

I'm not saying stop, goodbye

Nothing like that this fall

For seasons change and feelings

fold

old mold or turn to gold

In the spring

we shed our skin

me and love, rock 'n roll soul

Will live on and reconvene

But I am letting go of the body

for that which too tightly

I could not control.

- August 05, 2010

Spit

My life was turned upside down

I pushed it this way into the wind

drinking into oblivion

like vermin

I drink your spit

Like venom I drink then spit.

- July 28, 2010

The King

Black rags and brown sacks

Feeling like a paper bag

So freshen the skin peel the layers

brush it in brush it back

Doesn't really change the dream of legs and the taste of sin

Or the skin I'm in

Tears flooding this is too unbearable

Blood, skin tough but thin

and someone isn't going to win

Nope, no one wins.

We all lose if you walk away son

Young and feminine

Woman who art thou in control or so it seems

But tears will flow within all of us today

Solar eclipses fascinating

Change is in the wind.

Driving up the freeway you will be here soon

And we will drink drink drink

And say things good things bad things.

And decisions will be made,

Contracts drawn up

Feelings sated, brushed under the rug

Who will be the king?

Who is really the king?

No one is fornicating with consent

because after all, it is just a song.

An idea, a concept whose time has long gone.

- July 12, 2010

Bunny Prophecies

I liked what the bunny said

He told me to laugh it off, and he even called me bitch.

Don't get so bogged down in the shoulds and the guilt.

My money may be funny, bitch, but I ain't no funny bunny.

Live your life and do what feels right.

Live and let live.

I told him, I guess I feel bad.

I'm a gullible little snitch

I feel like I should punish the liars

the left me out on the stitch.

He laughed and said you are the liar

Lying to your self in your own britch.

So what? I'm going out tonight

Yeah, like you do every night

But I still feel bad

Goddammit bitch why?

Fear of the prophecies of bad karma and jam

Fear of getting a lil bunny poop on my hand

Fear of getting a lil bunny fur in my lam

Milk behind the ears he proclaimed

Fear not the bunny slam.

Fear not the extinction of man

For one day we will all float away

like dusts and gusts and my floppy bunny ears

will ride in the must

Stop being dispicable living in disgust.

This is your time to be free.

In Bunny You Must Trust.

- July 07, 2010

Crept

Heavenly stitched damn my leg itches

Fingers Matilda, you seep through these witches

Vodka and wine enthralled in some other time

Wasting away behind walls of your sublime

It was easier back then

wall to wall carpet and velvet couches

no curtains had we

some velour blinds and small kitchen

So easy when the lights went out

So easy when the dark crept in

I just did did it in

Now I just go out and don't say a thing.

- July 06, 2010

In Letters

In letters to your God

Looking him straight in the face

Can you really relinquish this history

Can you really save you from grace?

I'm older than you think

I've been here for centuries

I've seen the Titanic sink and was reborn to tell this tale

Over and over I've seen this ocean tidal waves and all

Over and over I've sailed these seas

Up until this final fall

I can tell you that it doesn't exist if only in our hearts

I can tell you that my soul, so old will be strong

will never fall apart

In letters to my sister and my brothers I act desperately young

But age is in the wisdom for writings too strong harm

When the closest lady becomes willing to her spawn

And the ghost of Jesus past comes deadly after dawn

The kitten stretches out his paw and lashes out so fast

You forget inside a tiger is hiding the worse is yet to come.

- July 01, 2010

We Are Suicide Kings

I've been obsessed with sex and I've been obsessed with danger

I've gone over to the dark side with women

I've sucked the life and put death into men

But what I don't believe I've done

is put my hand on the trigger of your gun.

I've kissed the hands of aristocrats and I've licked the lips of strangers

I've put my heart on a platter for a man, a woman and their daughter

I've sucked the wax off of a hot candle for a whore

I've kicked the gut in on an empty pathetic bore.

But what I have yet to do is sink deep into your mission.

What I have yet to do is commit this ultimate sin of treason.

I've broken up homes, and families, including mine.

I've broken up marriages and alliances with wine.

I've thrown away my honesty, and faith

To get closer to your truth

I've even drank your so called lemonade from the fountain of your youth

And though most days I believe you, in this war that you are wielding.

I know I'm fighting the fight for humanity dead and unyielding.

The end is near, the end is here

I'm going down with a fight

I'm gonna stomp the front lines

I've got my finger on the trigger

I've got my finger on the trigger

They won't be able to stop me

or hold me down tonight

I'm going down either way

I'm going down with a fight

This is not just edgy, this is not just racy

This is not just some political controvertiality

tempting racism, sexism, homophobia or fucking neutrality

This is the real shit and we're going down with a fight

This is the damnedest shit, cuz we believe in what is right.

- June 21, 2010

This Girl

On the day that I leave

6 months from now

I will say to you

You saved me from insanity

For the last 8 months

You were my sunlight

The bright light at the end of the tunnel

You kept me sane in my darkest days

You were the sweetest moments peace of sacred love and being

A sacred temple in my heart

And on that bittersweet day in June

I swore to keep you safe from the ugliness of my heart

I swore to shelter you from the darkness of my world

The darkest part of my soul

My desperation and self harm

Aggression and anger

I swear to bear the grunt of this sad girl

And on this bittersweet day in June

I vow to feed you from the sweetest part of my heart

Smiles and gentle peaceful songs

For bearing the brunt of this sad girl

For tearing away the layers

Returning me to sweet innocence

Laughter joys of childhood

For sharing the flowers of this world

- June 04, 2010

Sex in Death

Loving you loving me in emptiness in death

I want to feel you

saying your last words

heaving you last breast

breathing your last breath

Under me as we breathe

I want to see a burning ocean

of ours so deep

In a house full of artists I create

In a home with a family you wait

for night to fall

so you can escape.

I want to slide into your deep sleep

Underneath a veil of heartbreak you keep

secrets from me, from her, from the rest of the world

hiding your sorrow, sadness, desire for one girl

who'd rather follow the footsteps of the dead

waking you up your sex in death

You see me, I see you

Desire within desire ensues

But straddling life and death it seems

that sinking ship of your sex encompasses my dreams

As I lay awake half alive consumed of you

As you lay half dead in your world askew

We've lived this moment for years and years

you dead, me awake, you alive and up late

While I sleep in tender dreams

The torrid nightmare of fate

This isn't about you, your sex, us nor anything

in between

This is about the death we live day to day

and the infinte emptiness that ensues.

The solitude that we embrace and the ultimate

passion that leads us to the pearly gates.

- May 31, 2010

Saturday

Another rough Saturday, it's the middle of the day that

Saturdays like this haven't had it so rough in days

It keeps coming up and I feel my stomach in my heart

If vomiting was my style I'd let it slip through

It's 2:53 PM my birth time I cant sit still

I'd rather be working on something creative

or lounging on the beach with you

or whoever who

But there is so much I can do here at this desk

Trapped on Twitter Facebook is a mess

Jesus Christ doesn't no longer exist

In a few days I long for a outing a trip a new date

But as evening falls into the night

The wind blows and I get out of this fright

And the doors open wide and my heart settles in

I'm no longer worried and sadness creeps in.

- May 30, 2010

Injustice and Anger

Trying to figure out how to repair it

Make some calculated moves to change it

Cannot turn back the time

But how can I fix it?

Maybe I need to leave it

Just for a week or two

maybe I need to relieve it

To Clean up me and you

But what I'm finding

is underneath all this armor

all the ruckus and clamor

Is a lot of injustice and anger

You said one thing

but really meant another

and all I was just looking

was to be your libidinous lover

in between kindness and generosity

were words of insult and neglect

a child of this history

what else can I expect

Today I'm suffering skin flecks and itching

It's my karma to bear

But you know I don't believe it

Just miss our safety your care

And your off and running.

I'm scared.

Stay safe, and take care.

- May 24, 2010

Art and or Drugs

Sober and awake

Sad and alone

Luckily this house is not so empty as an empty home

I keep getting re-injured

And I feel so fragile today

I know it's temporary

And it'll go away

Anything else I cannot do today....

Materialistic girls, looking forward to a glamorous future

but somewhere recognized it was superfluous

and traded it in for art

and

or

drugs.

I'm mad at myself today for making too many moves

too many decisions and speaking way too soon

I'm not going to do much to change it

I'm gonna live through it

try to recognize it and maybe even save it

I'm always the one doing these things for you

I'm always the one when you can't do it

In return

Getting angry so soon

Getting angry at the past too

It's a good day

Owning my feelings and pain this way

haven't turned on the tv nor tried to run away

It's a fucking good day today.

- May 22, 2010

Drinking Wine well into the Night

Some nights are just not creative, try as I might

So I write a journal entry in hopes that it will insight

Drinking wine well into the night

I wanna write something about the men and women that I love.

I wanna write something about loving more than one man at a time.

I wanna write something totally self indulgent about taking taking taking

Selfless lover giving, living, heaving, then leaving.

My libido selfish and needy

My soul hungry and greedy

I've got this urge to be totally obsessed in my writing in my art

I've got this urge to be totally obsessed and undressed by your heart

I'll kiss you on the neck and wherever else you want it

But call me when its not warranted and you won't reach me

It's sad and true

You exist here for me, not me for you.

But in the end I will give you more than your heart desires.

I'm the dream come true for you, come witness all this fire

The passion burns all day and night in art and love in sex and fight

You won't be sorry in the end

It's living life to the fullest every minute every second.

Keeping up is part of the ultimate draw

Staying up with me but having your world already in place

is the one that keeps the fire ignited

Strange as it may seem, a busy man is a sexy man

Whether it be work, music or family a self obsessed man

with a palate and a plan with libido in hand.

- May 15, 2010

Forgiven Me

She's forgiven me I hope

After our last interlude

When I gave her the final note

Of what really happened to me in those last days

But she's back to her old ways

Perhaps they're her only way

And I'm back to sorry but this time its ok

But this time I pity her pain

When truthfully there is no pity no pain

This is just the way, her way and let it be as it may.

- May 15, 2010

A Star That Shines Really Bright

Some late night parties with girls, rockstars coming up

Just a dumb guitarist

And then her big eyes and exclamations to hear it,

That girl over there, yes, she lives it.

Holy high hell Batman

She cannot believe it.

Come home empty to an empty room

Once craving the love of a man who is too consumed

Now fallen out of love so it seems

A bird growing a new set of wings

Still trying to come clean

He understood so it seemed

But then followed me to the bedroom

But today is another day

He will have to come face to face with the truth

He's still in the dark

About the transformations of the lark.

And, don't want to jinx it so

I just let it go.

And old girlfriends keep stirring the pot

An old friend heavy in my thoughts

It's just a rock n roll drug induced dream

Just another dumb guitarist on the edge of living clean

There is no way in holy high hell, she's just a teen.

Sweetness and pain mix so well together

like when the longest day turns into the longest night

I know it's sad to you the things I am going to do.

But I'm kind of indifferent. I kind of say 'fuck you.'

It's just a dumb guitarist and a girl's plight

Not the sharpest knife, but a star that shines really bright.

- May 14, 2010

That's Just Not The Truth

I spoke too soon and it's been a weird two days

Back in the throes of this rock n roll haze

Love is one thing, but cannot stand in the ways

So, here we are all best of friends

But the tides have changed,

and some if this dies and comes to an end

Then there is the mean, spiteful angry and rude

There hasn't been much done wrong just the plight of a dude

Overly tired we can all snap and be crude

One guy for me for you? in the end that's just not the truth.

Still we'll rock our souls

Heads will roll

We will go get our lovin somewhere else out on the road,

If that makes you whole.

If that makes me whole.

- May 02, 2010

On The Road

Busy living the dream, life out on the road

We will come together when I finally come home

I think the time is bringing me closer to you

The time might be coming to come out with the truth

Willingly having all sorts of acceptance and freedom

No rules nothing but commitment to our cause

Simply partners and what else is there..

Open & free, living life on the road

In the air, we have no home

We sometimes share a bed, but leave well enough alone.

Until next time these thoughts of you in my head

Fantasy in your long distance messages and we'll talk

about the sexy love we make in your bed

Love to you, from the road, my dear friend

- May 01, 2010

Clockwork

Heavy footed literary girl

Your eyes are like rain

belly full of regret and fruit flavored gum drops

wide awake again

2AM-4AM the clock ticks in the dark

It's almost like clockwork

Gripped with fear, sadness, loneliness and despair

Is this journey worth it in the end?

Eyes wide open staring into an abyss

What if this goes nowhere?

The quiet hum of an air conditioner breeze,

reminders of a life you threw away

Most days you don't look back my little literary girl

To this end you seem very brave

But then the darkest hour,

just before dawn when he'd

come to bed and hold you

even though all else was wrong with the two of you

at that moment all else would melt away

The evil tiresome worries of the day

The devil at rest in dreams, evil at bay

Until the next morning when the monster would awake

I wait years and years now it seems

To put forth in motion these very dreams

words like driven, dedicated, devoted, replace glamour and pristine

One day we'll get out of here

One day we'll have money, fame, lights and stage

One day, I've been waiting too many years

One day too far away may never come, it seems...

- May 01, 2010

Loving is not a Lie

I hope I haven't hurt you

I hope you're not too afraid of being too eyes closed

I don't take it lightly and I don't take it slightly

Your warmth smile crazy energy drives me wild

I say sorry in advance for the way I live

It's honest and open and crazy

It's complicated does it make you uneasy

It makes me sad in advance for I've been planning this for years

to take off and live on the road

a rock n roll artist like a bohemian and gypsy

the circus life, right here in my living room

I know that America here is your life

with fertility goddess breath in my ears

I know you're not looking for more kids or a wife

And with that I hope we can remain friends for many years

I hope I haven't offended you or scared you away

I know we cannot to talk every day

but all of a sudden I'm feeling these mad crazy feelings

and I know you are somewhat pulling away

We both come with conditions and baggage

and we can't make us number one today

I know you see its the same for you

We're actually perfect that way

I'm not going to let you hear this now

Mercury is retrograde

The moon is full in the sky

I hope you know that loving is not a lie.

For I will make time for you over here on the side.

- May 01, 2010

It's Tiresome Being The Queen...

I was going to write some stupid bullshit about being angry and selfish

and bratty

Like on Sunday when the sales boy had to come outside and get me

Cuz I left the conservative party for sun, fresh air and grass

Like a counselor he chased me to sign some dumb ass

paperwork

I was going to write some stupid crap about getting what I want and being free and being me

Like drinking bloody mary's while these boys all consoled me

My brothers they gotta deal with my bullshit

I was going to write some stupid crap about how that shit is funny

Cuz I deserve it.

But really at the end of the day, it's lame being such royalty

It's annoying and it's tedious and so much better being friendly

It's tiresome being the queen.

I was going to write some stupid crap about love, sex and independence

while once a day my brothers run in and save me, time and time again from little bugs that crawl

on my desk, and within me

and do things like clean the kitchen for me

A wretched queen suffering

Not fit for this throne

running around screaming

Scowling at the loud drunk autistic boy

who lives here alone

The brothers working overtime to make sure I stay in peace

And all I can do is talk about my freedom and not quietly

nor gracefully, slowly, embracing insanity

- April 28, 2010

Rock n Roll

Everyone is having babies, or getting married

Something or the other

both things one world

Me? Well I've given it all up for freedom

and living and some rock n roll

And, I so don't care if you judge it

You may have money but is home really where the heart is?

Is it wher your

Love, Passion, Freedom is?

Where is your Art? Did you sell it

when you bought your house three car garage?

I pray thee did not.

One bought me an engagement ring and we

slit each others throats.

The other, well he bought me a disengagement ring.

And we laughed as we ran down the aisle

at Trader Joes.

All the way down to the Isle of Lesbos.

It's not that I'm disparaging

Nor bashing these ways of life

It's just that I traded it all

I Never idealized the wife.

It's passion, romance and desire

art and music that appeal to the flowers of my eye

in my left pupil.

- April 26, 2010

The Smell

The key is to have many outlets for your swell

I've been so kind and open from here to hell

The lady she loved me and together we worked fucking well

Till one day she got mixed up, gave in to the fumes, the funk,

the dank, the smell

It's growing stronger in this house

It's wretchedness day be day

and in between there are moments where my sweetness makes way

but overall he takes and takes and once in a while some days

he'll come over to me and give me a hug and appreciative words he'll say

The smell is getting bigger almost like his giant head

To put your money where your mouth is is like breaking bread

No room for obscure art of imagination

Let's make millions together just follow me

It's all that is ever mentioned

Yes, my dear, smiling, following docile-y along

But rearing up and getting ready to take this world by song

Not saying it's a bad deal just hurts the tender ego

It's not liking to brag about talent or BS genius

But still some days it would be nice to hear it

And every day goes by those lips flapping self enigmatic

Rude remarks and subtle put downs that make one think I've had it

I'm trying not to smell the stench or let my temper flare

But the tears keep welling up in my eyes, I know this can't be fair

And in my confusion my sadness, anger and haze

I recognize their illness, emptiness, despair and malaise

Trying so hard to make it, this is all they've got

And without this giant team on board this is all for naught

Are we all friends and family, do we meet each others every need

This is his time, I say, don't be driven by your greed

The stench today gets aired out as the back door stays wide open

You gotta come and go as you please

Let the air flow in and out, let your lungs breathe in and out

Everyone must own their pain.

- April 21, 2010

Best of Both Worlds

Boys and Girls

Like me, I like

being the center of attention,

The apple in your eye. I love

to be adored from the depths of the world

by many boys and many girls

That's how and why I grow.

I've loved many and they have loved me in return

Most still do

Unless their ego too big got too bruised

But those with an open mind

recognize keeping me around as a friend

is like having the best of both worlds in the end.

Those who keep an open mind

will have the best of All worlds in the end.

- April 19, 2010

I have many lovers....

I have many lovers but I never kiss and tell

My lovers are my friends, and will love me till the end

They'll find their way into my heart into my head and into my soul

then find their way into my bedroom or their office or even on the phone

I have many lovers and I intend to keep it that way

But I'll never reveal their names and I'll never sweat the game

Friends until the end.

- April 18, 2010

These Monsters

I'm angry at myself for creating this monster

These monsters whose heads become bigger when they're with me

I'm tired of seeing your entitled monster

Your bullshit your raven you gotta set me free

And today is the last day you'll be seeing me.

I'll be wearing my hat big rim igcognito

sunglasses no grin the bitch in me will grow

Once upon a time I let u judge me , dictate how my life was meant to be lived,

now I make all the rules bitch.

I rule my life.

I've reached my fucking NICE quota for the day, week, month, year,

fucking entire lifetime.

It's fucking birthday hour at the witching house.. when bitches and witches are birthed. I will be

celebrating with my fucking biting words!

- April 15, 2010

Das Boat

People on this boat, we're just trying to stay afloat

and then he puts on his white shirt and turns up his R&B techno

It's Friday night and his best friend takes hold

feeds him beer and he's the college boy too old

What he doesn't see is his friend is lonely

He's got nothing to do but disturb the peace

act like he's entitled

and take over the show

And no i'm not interested either

To be in their after glow

of this kids 9 to 5 lost-errando

Bored with life, getting drunk on a Friday night

nothing else to do

No art only a knife that sticks right

into the American dream

Into the heart, no spice, maybe even a wife

No creativity, just me and my strife.

In the heart he wants a wife

A house a baby he gripes

No creativity or style.

And no one feels my strife.

- April 09, 2010

Milk, Not Honey

She's a sunflower girl

Heavy in her world

In circles and around she twirls

She's happy in this life

Living as his wife

She's about to give birth to a heavy madness hurl

In God we see beauty, we're told he don't like Ugly

We pray to him forgiveness but really it's our souls

Like hiding under the bridge the trolls

The devil takes his toll

For Gold

I'm waiting in the wings, with my head bent over

I'm studying working for that day

but I'm already living my dream clover

It's beautiful these here moments

the days in which I create

with love in my arms, I play the guitar

and then its lists I make

I sorry for the girls

who gave it up for money

married because they think its too late

to pursue their dream of honey

milk not honey milk not honey

I'm sorry honey

you're gonna get milk not honey

unless you decide to give it another ride

and ride off into the sunset

out there on the road

in the middle of nowhere

the wild wild west

it's not for the faint hearted

it's not for those who care

but for those who cannot be burdened

with worldly details

Come ride with me

The traveling circus

Come ride with me

Into the sunset

If you dare

If you dare

to throw away the care

Onto the long dusty road out there

Come ride with me if you dare.

- March 24, 2010

A New Song

I was meant to wander the earth alone

and one day, maybe soon I will pack my bags and suddenly be gone

It's just what I must do to travel on

I'm not looking for one thing to own

Just looking for what suits me in the dawn

In the morning of that wakeful hour

If the meaning in this relationship has gone sour

New art, new music, a new flower, a new song

Will you miss me when I am gone..

I give give give but not without expecting return

I don't work for pennies and I don't give free loans

Everything comes with a price, a give and take, just fair and square

Call it what you will, Work with me and I will meet you there

But admiration and love must be within

I'm not about to sit around and pacify your shifty grin

I am selective, do you have what it takes

to shower me with gifts?

If you do, we might just be friends.

I guess I never realized my opportunistic ways

I did, but always turned my head

Some may call it exploitive, or sexploitive

But you cannot just take and in return not give.

- March 22, 2010

Worth Something in the End

At the end of the day, who is really happy anyway?

With all our free spirited democracy and social networking hypocrisy

every one is still just trying to live fighting their anxieties

When our parents are getting older and our sisters are still getting high

and illness has seeped in to every corner of everyone's psyche

trying to pretend we're still sane

trying to act like we've got it made

I dreamt that they had to take him back, our cat

and I cried and cried wondering if he was lonely if he was eating

And any of my real blood is halfway around the world living an existence

so different

And I live in a house full of idiots so that I can go and play rock shows and speak about sex

woes.

And at the end of the day, no one is really happy and no one is anyone anyway.

We aren't of this earth, just vessels we've decided to invoke

let's just say a prayer and look forward and pray this will all be worth something in the end.

- March 09, 2010

The Artist in Me...

I realize my own misgivings, of what I was to blame

A thousand years in hiding, they all went up in flames

Because I grew up and grew out of that fear of the unknown

Not believing in myself and that I'd an artist in me to hone

Not just an artist a developer writer doer fighter independent

And I should have known that playing guitar every day for 10 years, you've nowhere to go but

grow

I did not see it then and I took thee down with me

Handsome and prince like even then you followed me.

I clung to you like madness and begged and begged forgiveness

We got married in the fall and by winter I beared witness

to the life that I could live on my own if only I'd had known

I would have never let you go down the road with me

Wretched blazed unhappy me, and you'd spent

the nights alone.

I was only looking for me, the artist in me. You were waiting for me to grow.

If only I would have listened when you said, We're not the same

If only I'd had witnessed that hard work is what brings gain

And you forced me to stay put to buckle down for Love

because even in my lying ways I loved you as deep down and above.

You're a simple friend with a simple life and simple ways

And I know you were true you loved me in the haze

And I know I didn't make it easy not believing in myself

I know I didn't make it easy putting us on the shelf

I held onto you so selfishly just wanting your acceptance

When you would've loved me anyway, and even more if I'd made sense.

But too much anger under the bridge washed away our bond

and when I woke up from the sadness

I knew that we were gone

And all I had left was this artist who had been fighting for so long

To be seen, to be heard, that had been there all along

Wanting, pushing, trying, struggling to write a song.

It wasn't about the music a band or piece of art

The life I wanted to embrace was living from the Heart

To scrub down to the bottom of this material world

and scrape back up to the top

A Musician, Artist, Entrepreneur, who struggles but never stops.

A creative life is one that embraces it's very day

We don't rely on others, and we never take the easy way.

And all this growth in me, came somewhere from within,

But you gave me some keys and tools

That blossomed in my skin.

You taught me that I must stay, you taught me not to give in.

You taught me that with time things will change for the better

Dues and time. Just begin!

And so I did, not knowing I was laying bricks and foundation.

And when it finally hit me, it was too late. I'd already started to Listen.

- March 04, 2010

The Dawning of the Tiger...

On this here eve, she said she's got the tiger by the tail.

Grabbing it's rear end, I suppose is what it entails.

For me there is no more grabbing, no holding on or hanging

For me I can only let go and look the tiger in the face.

I've let go of misgivings and desires I have untold

I've let go of worries of things I've so wanted to control

There is no such thing as control

this is one thing I have learned.

And if there is one thing I have learned

There is little I can control.

So I have surrendered to let it go, and just to let it all flow.

This next year will be filled with turmoils and unknowns.

Just like every year we're told, but fear cannot hold

onto me like a rope wanting to control.

If there is one thing I have learned from the 3 weeks I was gone

Just let it go

Just let it be

Where they may, Let the cards fall

Appreciate the morning, the sun, the sky, my breath.

Appreciate my freedom, my arms and my legs.

Appreciate my kitchen, my garden and my sisters, brothers, best friends.

Appreciate the life I am given for one day it could all end.

- February 13, 2010

The Fringe and the Fringeness...

Grieving and sadness pedaling my sickness.

It's true I have something like the flu.

Maybe it's the chemtrails spreading disease onto the lands

who knows, it just comes and it goes.

Maybe I'm dying.

Maybe it's all almost over.

I mean it could be any day.

This minute, this day, tomorrow

our last day.

I am going to relax and not let these things get the best of me.

Curtail our excesses for now until recovery.

Curtail our excesses and push it to the edges.

The fringe and the fringes.

- January 14, 2010

The Garden, The Rose and The Ho

I woke up thinking about the things that could have been

I woke up remembering and regretting even what might have been

A Joan Baez circle was in my dream, and I woke up wishing I could just swim

Swim past these superficial, ambitious, superfluous simplicities

Success driven men and ladies all trying to get a piece

Like vultures grabbing for any little bit of accolades of acknowledgment

of money and of fame.

In my dream of course We were going to go, even though I say to myself No.

I staunchly and firmly believe in No Regrets,

but talking with an old friend also so far away

from where he once was

from where we once were and the things the things he once had offered

to me and himself

we've slowly slipped away

That good life is not far away, or maybe this cold war is the one thing I feared my entire life

of rationing and fight

of hiding, fear and flight

an economic recession a downturn of fiscal responsibilities

and we the people no longer holds meaning

Who would choose the grim snow over the island she mused,

and I recognize the fear he must have infused.

And his digression and regret in what he chose

When open mindedness and freedom lighted his abode

I once felt the same way.

But we could have traveled the world together I suppose

I'm sure we would have had I allowed to bloom that rose.

But I went with another garden, another gardener. I chose.

And, come on, afterall he was kind of a Ho.

So now we are two, friends still in the end, as I am with everyone

now and again

And the war is in full swing, it's the 20's, the 40's the 60's again.

With protesters and angry civilians

With global warming and a Black president

It's civil war and world war all over again.

We're broke and we're struggling with visions of grandeur in our minds

We crave the road and hope it will get us away from all this mess

But the world is a downturn flying falling into the abyss

The end is near we know, yet we hope this will be bliss.

And, we're older now, not like we were in our 20's.

When we were swinging wild and crazy,

God, I loved the 90's, flower and music San Francisco.

Clinton was president and growth was in the air.

I was 23 and I was going everywhere.

Fashion, Art, Travel. We were going to do it all.

We did for a short time.

And then slowly one by one, we did fall.

Some of us still standing driven by success.

Ambition of sorts, still dressing to impress.

I woke up this morning and realized too

That what we have in our 20's is gone.

We can continue to try to recreate, but many people are tired.

So make new friends if you choose who want to party and light the fire.

But, let the old go. Let your old friends retire if they desire.

I'm big into letting go of anything in my wake.

I'm ready to live a free existence

Free from your aroused state.

2009

Thoughts of Drive on the Drive

I checked my eyes in the mirror

They were red

It was a long day behind the wheel But

I'm glad to be here

Although the thoughts of drive kept surfacing all day

On the drive

So you are where you are today

One step at a time

It's not the end all be all.

I start wondering...

Quiet the words. I learn that in time.

Quiet the words that come out of their mouths.

And turn up the rock. Turn up the rock.

Turn off the clock.

- December 24, 2009

Check

Teetering this close to the edge. New friends, old friends, tons of friends yes.

You are just where you need to be. right now. yes.

rock shows. check.

stripper poles fixed. check.

flash gifs. check.

moving forward not backward. check.

ads. check.

associations. check.

musicians. check.

work. check.

work. check.

- November 21, 2009

Sigh of Relief

I've got my Vodka Soda, sans lime and I'm sitting in my room, Friday night

in my boy-shorts and t-shirt, and I've nothing to write.

I've inspired and refreshed this week 1 I had dinner with my sexy Indian friend

we obsessed over anus and we talked about life, work, rules and getting older and fringe

err. I mean fake hair, what do you call it? My colored hair Extensions that reminded us of Crystal

Taylor days.

We laughed and I sighed a sigh of relief. It's my girlfriends that know me, that make me Me.

I've inspired and rejuvenated like a vagina on pills. Not really more like a zap from the god's, the

heavens, whatever, the planets they shifted and the clouds they lifted and I all of a sudden

reveling in my lifestyle.

Where I no longer have to bill or wear a frock that doesn't suit me. Nor wear something day in

and day out pretend to be professional more often than not. Instead I can wear belts and boots

and hair extensions when I damn well please. God I love it.

I am really starting to become the fringe I know I can so well be.

And 2. The record, this album, this band. Progress is being made though it sometimes comes to

a still stand. Every little bit counts, if you know what it means, networking and partying is all part

of the mix.

Lesbian ladies all have gone to far away places. It's weird how I always befriend the transients. I

can't make your home, though I've got this dream home, where I live with dudes, male energy,

pure male energy. You want to find home, but somehow I resist. Got these walls up and don't let

you in, unless you are you and you find you're way in, you know who you are you will find your

way in.

I have to recognize my role in keeping you away. Ladies of the night. Ladies, even my friends. I

know I do it.

But now I'm humbling, releasing and relaxing. Come over or not. Come over or not. If there was

nothing else to do, there'd be parties here more often than you'd know what to do.

But, I moved out of domestication, and to move back in is the only thing I knew to do. I don't try

to fight it either, I'm older and it's more comfortable, relaxing, the thing to do. But I will say I want

it to change, for a few more years at least 5 to 10. But then my life will be something different all

together. Something I wish to embrace. An endless drunkeness, happiness' craziness and

grace.

Baudelaire wrote:

"Be always drunken. Nothing else matters: that is the only question. If you would not feel the

horrible burden of Time weighing on your shoulders and crushing you to the earth, be drunken

continually. Drunken with what? With wine, with poetry, or with virtue, as you will. But be

drunken. And if sometimes, on the stairs of a palace, or on the green side of a ditch, or in the

dreary solitude of your own room, you should awaken, and the drunkenness be half or wholly

slipped away from you, ask of the wind, or of the wave, or of the star, or of the bird, or of the

clock, of whatever flies, or sighs, or rocks, or sings, or speaks, ask what hour it is; and the wind,

wave, star, bird, clock, will answer you: 'It is the hour to be drunken! Be drunken, if you would

not be martyred slaves of Time; be drunken continually! With wine, with poetry, or with virtue, as

you will'

To which I say, work it has changed me, the desire for success somehow fits with domesticated

bliss, but instead of falling asleep in married bliss, I alone staying up late in drunken madness,

typing the words which fall on deaf ears. The work masks the silence.

And lesbians, gangsters, musicians and rockers all live on my street.

- October 16, 2009

Stealth. Whore.

I am not going to sit here and pretend it's all great

that the risk taking is all wonderful that it's so glamorous

and desirable

I will say that I am doing a lot and compromising a lot of comfort

for this art and this life

but often doth wondering if it's all worth it

when wind comes storming through the living room

like they own the place stomping their feet because they do not know how

to walk lightly with ease on their toes. stealth.

stealth.

no stealth to be aware of and no wealth. because he is cheap. he is my tenant. and I cannot

stand him from within my core. his lacking of social skills and grace. of knowledge and social

aptitude.

yet, having to listen to loud comments. it's so ugly. how much I ignore. an awful landlord. an

awful whore.

my choice is to be angered and annoyed. or let that shit go. whore.

- October 14, 2009

My Roots

This rain it's killing me, the clouds the gloom I'm sinking into doom

He says things like if life sucks then you suck and he's right

I'm dreaming of a foreign land with lots of color

away from the vast drear that is America

Even though I stay close to the coasts and the cities

Los Angeles, San Francisco New York what have you

I'm still craving Bangkok, Shanghai, Beijing, Hong Kong, Ho Chi Minh

Ladies in eyeliner and men in suits trading money and temples in bars

and of course my boots

my roots

So I retreat back to my back room

where I slip into some colors no not a fucking negligee

not something more comfortable, how fucking cliche'

I'm taking about my hair and the stripes I stick in them

To make me feel more risque'

But when in reality I'm craving the road

some drugs

a drink

a party

something more than this

something somewhere else

something totally different than this

Part of me thinks I should go back to work for a few months

YOU fucking douche. You should write for a few months.

Keep writing, it's the only thing that keeps you sane.

Fucking winter months

I did not expect you to come so soon.

So you got some time on your hands. So you got some time on your hands,

No I hate twitter and facebook and myspace. I am not a networking beast.

Never really was. Always just wanted to be loved and adored. But don't want to put in that much

work.

I make myself feel horrible and worse. I don't have it in me like you do.

I'm reading A. Burroughs and Listening to Steven M. and hanging out in Greensboro with M&M

and I recognize the cynical gay man in me. Except perhaps sometimes I can be pretty. Well

then what is the difference?

We're the same. But I got stuck, and sucked into this Hetero world, when I should have been

slutting around Gay Sydney in my heels not Gay LA, it's pretty lame anyway. Ok, New York

City?

Nah. Bangkok, oriental setting.

Either way, it seems pretty obvious to me anyway. I should develop some sort of addiction or

affliction or ailment. Shouldn't I anyway? Do my nails. I guess it's that time anyway. Do my nails

and paint my hair. Come sit down at this desk with a glass of wine. Shit, it's not even noon yet.

So, the world is supposedly coming to an end. And if that is the case, what would I really desire

to do with my final dying days?

I don't even really have to think about it. Not sitting on twitter making friends. Not fucking talking

to people on myspace whom I don't even know. That is not my forte'. Not how I roll. Some

people can be friends with random people they meet online. Not me. And perhaps that is why I

cannot promote this band the way you do. The way in perhaps I should. I cannot. I cannot. I

don't get into it. Though perhaps I could. Maybe I just don't want to or don't give a fuck.

And this guy the other night. In between trying to sweet talk me, telling me that he fears rock n

roll is dead. Where do we go he asks? If so, then what is it all for? What the fuck is it all for?

None of this even fucking matters anymore. This stupid rock and roll world, and rock n roll

dream. He surmises its all for the dead.

So then what? Where does that leave me? Well let's just sit here and think about it for a

moment. Sit here and think about it long and hard for a dark dreary fucking moment.

Do I care about these therapists self help continuing educational units teleconferences you all

keep trying to invite me to? Hell no.

Do I care about the strip club where the rock bands play? Probably not.

Do I care about the train station somewhere in the middle of the Sahara desert? Yes. Yes. Yes.

I want to be back on the road with my camera and my pain. I want to document the colors.

It always goes back to the colors.

- October 13, 2009

This Old Vintage House....

I haven't sounded out for weeks maybe days beyond

and sometimes I cry behind the curtains that are forever drawn

and this house was my imagined dream

an old vintage house perfect if only more clean and serene

and the stupid idiots that leave within

ranging from odorous, broke and stomping loud

tactless beings, angry dumb fucks

and me

how I want this house to be rid of these dudes

and filled with my sweet san francisco chics

ladies with style and sense and clean

that leave me alone and let me be me

calm and serene

and pretty

who have their shit together, have some fucking class and money.

But sometimes I wish to leave this place altogether

move back up north and storm the weather

and then I suspect it's just a matter of time until then anyway

and in between I'd better make my way

every now and then up to the place I once called heaven

that stole my soul and left me cold in my bones

it always boils down to

I just need to get on a plane more.

I just need to take care of me more.

I'm an angry miserable old whore

a selfish unsatisfied bitter old bore.

Take me to the steeple and dump me on the floor.

This is the dead end of the road.

Sorry I can't be more positive.

I should uncrinkle my brow

it would make you happy

but it's a total lie.

- October 11, 2009

The Rise to Fame

being nice and smiling along the way

smiling in that nice but knowing way

wanting adoration and fame

one track mind

so selfish and driven

so self absorbed and driven to success

if I want it it can be mine

if I own it it will be mine

Fake it till you make it

it's what we say here in L.A.

But, it takes hard work and sweat equity

you can't live a life of luxury

you gotta suffer a little bit

but you gotta have tough skin

sometimes too you know you gotta face the ones who ignite your insecurity jealous and hate

you gotta suck it up and face look it straight in the face and

recognize that some people are gonna hate

trying to ask questions that will blow up in your face

while they have a straight innocent face

oh the rise to fame

some days

you gotta play the fucking game...

you can't get wasted just cuz its a sunday, just cuz they do

it's just another working day

you got work to do....


Not Famous Enough

A post on Facebook today from Pepperdine, my alma mater:

Work with a non-profit organization dedicated to eradicating child slavery and empowering

children in crisis. Touch A Life operates a number of shelters and various projects in Vietnam,

Cambodia, and Ghana. All of our projects are aimed at reaching ultimate goal of improving the

lives of children in these countries where so many of them are mistreated, neglected, or living in

poverty.

To which end I no longer want to falter

follow it through bitches if that's what you really want

your face on the cover your name in lights

I want recognition and altruism and adoration

but not from non-profit sanctu-ism

not from 3rd world gratuit-ism

but to entertain and be appreciated for my lyrical fortuitism

my gracious-ism random hilarious-ism sexy-ism

so when she says You're Famous.

I say Not Famous Enough.


Fame....Yes.... I want it too!

Fame Fame Fatal Fame

It can play hideous tricks on the brain

But still id rather be famous

than righteous or holy anyday anyday anyday -The Smiths

Mr. Morrissey said it but I couldn't agree more

and when she said

Everybody comes to Los Angeles to be famous, but I want to be a landlord

I should have laughed and said, Everyboday comes to be rich and famous.

you came to be rich and he to whore

and yes, I did come to be fucking famous rock star

I want fame and fortune....tours and magazine covers

songs on the radio and face on the silver screen

yes, it's true.

now I said it too.....

The only people who become famous are people who really want it

We are powerful. We are all powerful. But don't let jealousy stand in your way.

Don't let love stand in your way.

Believe in yourself and go for the gold.

The non believers have no belief in their soul.

Fame, dude, fame.


Self Imposed Deadlines

It's all I've got to do in this time, work has slowed down to a minimum.

I was busy in July and most of August and all of a sudden sleepy town

sleepy fest of snore

So, I've picked up the book again

To reread and reread

And rewrite if need be

This time it's got to be done.


The Whole of the Whore

Clock strikes 10 and down she goes

feather laden fickle selfish whore

desperate and angry and immature

let her go down her vapid tour

unappreciative of this new world

having no recollection of how it really was before

retarded lost confused bore

throwing all your friends back to the shore

seriously creating an island so you cannot swim back

is this really where it's at?

Slutty dreams and vibrating screams

lubrication comes naturally

trying soo hard to remain in control

god dammit bitch just let it go

Peaches and cream and everything in between

sweet dreams of love making out in the green

run away girl if it makes it all better

or just sit back and smile have a drink on me

Just sit back and smile and have a drink on me.


666 Hours

The minutes and the days go by like solitude but work sweating butt in pain

from sitting on the stool of death

swirling sounds from the othe

booze and remnants of her stinky breath

It's not a good day most of the day, it's fine

when things go right

but what the hell are we going to do when the shit hits the fan

when it's all said and done..


Every Single Day....

Working 7 days a week a little every day

is it nice or not I guess I cannot say

it's a little better than having nothing to do

or no money at least much of it is from home

at my desk in my own zone

at least, I say

Links point to me in every which way.

This is what I do every single day.

Shameless self promoting


The Ebb and Floers

Try doing something really exciting and then nothing for a week

unlike you flatliners, he says

he's not speaking to me but to the person within me that I could've been

tried to be

fought with for years

because it just wasn't me

and to the rest of the world it seems

who try to judge us

and I love it when the booze courses its way through my viens and into my brains

I'm an ebb and floer these days

gone are the 9 to 5 days of stability

gone are the limits and immobilitiy

it's mobility and mood lability

bipolar disorder at its best

wonder why we're so manic depressive he says

the artist way can contribute and produce it this very way

The full moon tonight lights my way

He says he won't see me tonight and he'll come over another day

He's a 9 to 5'er an old friend who I once thought was brave

So me and the brave boy go fill up the cart with liquor and berries

Plus, Boys and men and girls and friends lining up to meet me when

All is happening and I'm the center of the stage

I don't care if we live this way

It makes much more sense in the end

I pretty much run away from everyone anyway

for everyone is lost and trying to find their way

flatlining through life a typical nine to five

getting married with husbands and wives

having children and car notes and simple lives

God I just remembered we changed the name

It made me feel so crazy yesterday but today the word got out and no one really cared

no one knows our music anyway, and I think we could blow up just like any day

but then days like today come my way to fill me up with doubt

the ebbing the flowing gone out

I'm trying not to brag or bray

But damn I want this show already on the way.


Relentless and Silent Perseverance

Well maybe not so silent

I do promote sometimes shamelessly this thing we're doing

these things I believe in

it will be easier later.

I believe. And to this end, I have surrendered.

Time to eat my friends,

time to drink my friends

stuff my face with beef and gin

to this end I have surrendered

Stop fighting, let go of the anger

be free, be happy

I am.


Motor Del Toro

Changing my stage name..... What think you?

- August 30, 2009

Sharing the Cart and the Horse

Several weeks from you no word and clearly you've been hard at work

Today suddenly posts galore

you say you've got a new band

it's been under wraps

no one questions where you were

unlike me sharing the cart and the horse

so here I expect to be blown away

and of course I'm so kind showering kisses and compliments

so nice

when suddenly I hear the distortions and rage coming from the machines

dissonant and fades away too much the same out of tune out of place

I really hope this is making your happy day

I have made some choices in my life, and sacrificed so much more

like comfort and ego and self and soul to sell to sell

millions for gold

I have excavated and removed dirt clutter and long long days with no end

until the sun goes down and comes up again never ending with friends

those days are long gone though people cannot comprehend

I'm still running down this path running running to the mend

All the holes that get reopened when the empty souls come home

fills up space that I can no longer hold.

- August 29, 2009

Days of Demons (formerly titled Cunt)

So pretentiously you think you've got something over the world

So full of yourself to think you've got something we want

It's cute indeed but perhaps you shouldn't build yourself up the way you do

We do not have the time for you and your measly piddly piddly doo

So many cooks you've got in your kitchen, but no one can fulfill your vision.

I don't use the C word very often, but when the realization hits that I'm expected to bend bend

bend

for measly minimalities, I know you must not think me too highly

And I gotta take the high road

I gotta High tail it on down the road.

It took me a minute to link the links and undo suffrage.

It took me a minute to share the folly

but when all was said and done and the reminders of my integrity snapped me back into shape

rejection and dejection and it's finality

I think the final will be a slap in your face

The voices of goodness and positivity are what feed me continually

Keep me in this place to face the next days of demons ahead of me.

- August 04, 2009

Blathering Idiots about Nothing Much

Whisper on foot on your way to see the couple...you're seething with desire.

i'll be back online in a bit to see if you've responded.

In the meantime I'll go lay a track or two or ten

even though I've done this song a million times over a million times to begin

I've not the time to fraternize your sexual desires these long lost articles of clothing

lost in a series of words on some household appliance

heating up in this heat, burning up in this heat

Old steam punk lady large back arms tattoeed you were once so pretty

and still so lovely and sweet and nice

but oh so insecure jealous and envious as you drink yourself into a stupor

you used to be so pretty, and still sometimes mostly nice

except when you think she might steal your man

it's not she you fear

and you can't be warm anymore

Long days on weekends too much by your side

but I can't go out, for going out will take away and bare leaks and holes

will poke air into the core of this here soul

I've been a hermetic recluse

just trying to finish this record

I'm just trying to finish this record.

- July 26, 2009

Everyone Wants More...

I love these women but the nights on the scene well that was a fluke

and I've loved too many people in my past but somehow tried to find the

numeric or planetary connection to find the ones to suit

Sometimes one would come along whose presence or love was so much comfort

but became too much to taller big to bigger, small to smaller

I can't seem to keep it together

I can't seem to keep it together

I love too hard and I fall too fast and I'm much to needy to fill this glass

I've got words and guitars and work, a mom and a dad who are much too sad

to enjoy their twilight

For their lot was much too ... much too much loss

And everyone wants something

And everyone wants more

When things turn to bore they turn to the bottle

which eventually turns into more...

And, I'm turning into a bore

or

I go out seeking to whore

more love and touch and hands and such

from the rock n roll boys and girls

Everyone, including myself, always just wanting more

- July 18, 2009

Especially Today

An emotional holocaust

death and morbidity in between

I suck up the energy and spit it out in your face

for these moments it does not erase

Sadness and dying are at the forefront today

even though the sun is shining

I'm scared and anxious just the same.

I know you can sense it, and I don't know what to say

I'm in a "funk" as they'd call it

just give me my space

Do I miss the city and the safety it brung?

Confined spaces and cleanliness

Feng shui playing a role

in the old tattered house we try to mold

I know I should be happy

My life is richer than before

But the sadness of his energy

a life of mine old

Clings in the air of my heart it grabs hold

It strips away the fullness and richness and bold

bringing deja' vu to my mind and sadness and cold

I'm tired of pretending everything is okay

That I'm happy and flourishing, back to my old ways

When in reality, there is emptiness, suffering and decay

I'm mourning a loss still

body, mind, heart and soul

Especially today

- July 05, 2009

This Well Runeth Clean

I read a sad thing today, that I'd written long ago

About a man with a heavy heart and his head hanging low

How he would still continue and come on home

How he was my partner my rock my stone

God, it dug deep and hurt my gut and split my spleen

but no tears came out this time

This time this well runeth clean

I can see how I'm still here in the woods, way deep

I can barely see the sky peeking through in between

glimpses of brightness and bright blue and days wherein,

I smile and appreciate, embracing freedom again

A Choice had to be made, based on honesty and truth

You knew what you were doing, for years and years you knew

You consciously knew what had to be done

because for fear you were hanging on

for fear and for love

don't assault the truth, you really wanted it to change

you tried and you knew

you caused pain that shouldn't have hurt

you were blamed for disasters that could've been overlooked

you were accused and shooed and forced to choose

And today, it seems as though a replacement has been made

but even so it's not ideal nor relative nor similar, not same

and it's more realistic sometimes since you are still so far deep

to see things of a friend, a confidante and a support

Give things time to grow, giving things time to heal

and remember now more than before

this decision you made by sheer strength, force and will

forced you into the darkness,

a cold and unknown world

Alone.

This for many years you knew

You feared and you knew.

And here it is now, True.

But truth has it's price....

it's for the greater good.

Everything, Nothing. You.

I try to remember these things today

on the eve of such an important day,

But it doesn't change the fact.

Sadness, truth, emptiness, truth, honesty, truth

love, life, freedom, I could not have had it with you.

- July 04, 2009

Under The Sun

Laying the guitar tracks on the home bound recording stereo

We, he and I getting the songs ready like a shower before the storm

While he hones those production skills

He's grows so fast and I'm amazed everyday

at how far I've come, we've come.

Fornication Under Consent of the King is where it will all culminate

Here, soon, Under The Sun...

Sometimes it feels like the world is waiting, but really time is not of the essence

Things will happen as they will

Laying the guitar tracks, And I will take a lot of naps.

It doesn't feel all that bad to have one thing on your mind

single track hat, tunnel vision cat

it is what is needed to see, to have vision focus and ease

more naps staying healthy and relaxed

that, my dear friends, is where I am at

- June 08, 2009

Two Years

Almost to the date. Motor and Maxim play an acoustic show at Fais Do Do in Los Angeles. My

first and last show with miss Karen Love, for various reasons. We choose our destiny don't we,

and instead of being a folk singer with show tunes misgivings I opted for a heavier side of rock n

roll.

- May 27, 2009

My Day

I don't really have many that understand the journey

From the bohemian laundromat where we used to rinse our clothes last year on a cool summer

night in our bodices after a long hot jam everything flyers written in Spanish people trying to sell

for hire their services, somewhere out here in the middle of the desert...

I have many exes. ex Friends, ex Girlfriends, an embittered ex husband confused by the dusty

route of life I choose to take, an unpaved path. my heaven my way my pleasure my day.

I choose the life of the traveler, the wanderer the vagabond the madwoman, and it's free,

probably free like you will never be.

Sitting behind fear, in a shallow empty world of rules and supposed to be's. It's not for me.

I have a cat who lives out in the wild. what we call the serengetti. the dusty weedy front yard of

my house in the valley. I don't have time for manicured lawns or paved walkways, geez I have

barely any time to play the guitar as much as I would like these days, and I'm on the road never

home anyway.

No one really gets this way. No one understands the freedom of my day. No one can disrobe

their material fears for one day.

- May 26, 2009

Oh.... and the new logo...

- May 24, 2009

She Has No Idea How to Make Friends....

Super hot days are coming

lack of funds headed our way

sadness and fear fills my soul

but deep down I know I will continue to grow

She kills me with her constant paranoia about the other's shirking of tasks

It makes me want to walk out fast.

I feel so trapped

I can't wait to run run run the other way

so cynical and critical of how others live their lives

although it is she that is one of the many lost wives

alone in her despair alone because she wont bend or flex

alone because she won't roam

alone

because she has no idea how to make friends

instead just uses them to dump dump dump

all her materialistic typicalities...onto anyone who will listen

and give nothing in return.

- May 13, 2009

Let Go Of This Rope

Seven weeks and counting....I can no longer befriend you

Seven weeks and counting....I can no longer tell you

Things about my life and my path and my soul, well you don't hear me anyway

You're off and running, worried about your own little world

Lack of carbohydrates coursing through your veins...

It can affect your memory they say.

But lack of anything or too much of something all has the same effect.

Dear old lady, I hear you really like me

Isn't it clear to you.... that's what makes me good at what I do.

Altruistic, gentle and kind, but real and smart out for myself too.

You tried to scare me, to insult me, and that was really ugly of you.

If I were weaker, I may have believed you.

And luckily, I am braver than you.

Sure, I worry at night I lose sleep too, but I know I can think greater thoughts

do greater things and ultimately that's what gets me through

Because I am going to take the biggest leap ever, let go of this rope

it ties me down, like a tether

And I apologize in advance, but I don't really feel bad.

Because you chose security you chose death, survival over living....

That's your choice...not mine.

- May 04, 2009

The Very World That Scares You

She walks in stilts and she spits her will

In our faces sweet as silk

At home she cries herself to sleep and basks in guilt

I say it's ok, but I know tomorrow she still won't see it my way

I say it's ok, because lately she's been drunk everyday

Anyway

And if you don't feel truth gripping you at night

at least sometimes throughout the day

and if you can't seem to say the right words

that give the right impression

or wear the right clothes

just live as close to the edge as is possible

without falling off

Is that all you can do?

I can't see the truth when you're blathering in my face

your idiotic lies you tell yourself

all over the place

But oh yes, I can, once I see what you try to do

Unknowingly, unbeknownst to even you

manipulating the world around you

the very world that scares you

The very world that scares you

I live here too, and I have fears, though none as great as you

Sadness reality grips my soul, your empty sorrows fill your bowl

They stop you dead in your tracks and sever your wings sever your so

I wish you could see, wish you could know

I may appear brave to many this way, I may seem courageous all caution at bay

but it's just that there is nothing to lose

when it comes to happiness and having my way.

- May 01, 2009

A poem....

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare

to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love

for your dream for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon... I want to know if you have touched

the centre of your own sorrow if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become

shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain mine or your own without moving to hide it orfade it or fix

it.

I want to know if you can be with joy mine or your own if you can dance with wildness and let

the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful be

realistic remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint

another to be true to yourself.

If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.

If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source

your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure yours and mine and still stand at the edge of the lake

and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if

you can get up after the night of grief and despair weary and bruised to the bone and do what

needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will

stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what

sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with

yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

~O.M. Dreamer

- May 01, 2009

Mastering the Art of Money

today i am so happy to be doing what it is I need to

even though my days are long and I am tired right now

peanut butter snacks help me through the day

this lull

but tonight I hope to jam

even though

right now I cannot fathom

I often sit and wonder

As I reflect on lives of others

who work a 9 to 5

do they simply relax at night?

or are they in bands? or fighting some political war?

do they go support art? or are they just living being no purpose or meaning

social life and work in between.

I know this is not all there is for me and so I reflect on lives of others

but could it be they are simpler than me?

Then my mind travels to a memory of a girl a memory of pain and suffering at the hands of a

dare I say lady who suggested I too simple.

Today I want to laugh. If only it were so easy. If only you fucking knew me. If only you could get

near me. But back then it was me too, putting someone else before me. And the words you later

said to me, it's not bad to live simply.

- April 21, 2009

Simple as can be

I haven't written a poem a song for you

Everything is on the back burner

I haven't sat and howled at the moon all night long

for you

since I was 15 and 27 with more than a mild hang over

The lunacy you speak of is herecy or heresay and I don't believe it anymore

I wake and walk in these tall boots, simple as can be

Maybe it's my laziness that has it's backlash in the simple things

which seem big and as great as can be

when writing is the only journey I care to

continue to record my life this way

I'm just a poet nothing more nothing less

with an eye for fancy a knack for style

a desire to be oh so pretty

you and me, and a sewing machine

but you know I have this drive

crazy neurotica ambition

a devilish badass from the outside

who cares really if I cry in the mornings

who cares really if I die of anxiety at night

who cares really that my hairs are graying by the droves

I still have no children and nothing to control

I'm essentially free, free as a bird

and I have nothing to lose or let go.

- April 08, 2009

Schooling

No more waiting

No more waiting tables for you in my underwear

No more back seat to this propriety

working with these selfish identities

the people I know trying to develop me as though they have something better than me

always trying to school me

My schooling days are coming to an end, and you can say what you want about this that and

the other

and

you can show off your skills and expect me to cower

and

you can try to instigate by suggesting I'm afraid

a deer caught in headlights

you can do what you want

but sometimes the followers will lead

and sometimes the schooled will teach

and sometimes I may close my eyes and give you the finger

and walk away

give you the finger and walk away

half of my years spent

being second best

to you them and everyone else

coveting something meant for someone else

but the day is closing when the hourglass is about half

the day is coming to the mid point

mid life

middle of the road

midlife crisis? I don't think so

Mostly calculated but not always so clear,

I took a backseat to you my dear

for many years

But now my schooling is done

for there were so many things I still have to learn

but will lead in the ways that maybe you cannot follow.

And if you cannot, then that is your own sorrow...

- March 19, 2009

Your Dour Gray Suit

Today we got the news like something pushing at some imaginary belt line slowly waiting to be

excavated

She will be leaving us soon

And I've heard the story all too many times and sang the song myself far too many times

and I've no time left in my day to roam on the quiet shores alone and in my world

I've no time left in my day to kiss these so called wounds nor the ass of some weakling whore

I've no time today to fall asleep at this here blue screen I've no time today to follow my song or

sing my dream

I cut tomatoes into my salad as I trudge through the sludge and I keep hearing the echoes of

fear which are far too real but hold us imprisoned to an impoverished system that is material

and empty

and I hear these voices far too clear and far too loud and I hear their cries trying so hard to bring

us down

to keep us down

and hold us down

despite the sweat dripping down our faces and the blood bleeding out of our guts

despite the tears gripping our souls like shoe laces and the spit on our clothes stuck

from the anger you've leashed on us, because you're grasping for survival

all of it masked by the new ones' arrival

focus our energy here, focus our energy there, but at the end of the day everyone knows how

dirty is your underwear, your laundry your sock drawer

overflowing with tathered toes you are unwilling to retire.

My dress laced with leather doused with feathers fitted and measured will never fit your dour

gray suit.

- March 19, 2009

Giving up Portraits

I've given into the giving up my portraits, I have no idea whether I come or go

I'm so used to the weathering, the tethering of my dreams

Holding myself back but pushing myself forward

To such opposite extremes

On the one hand I get what I want

in terms of toys and gain

on the other hand I don't get to nourish my soul

like dancing in the rain

on the one hand I help so many others in need

at the cost of me

Sure they get what they want

and they get a piece of me

and at the end of the day, there is not much left

have I surrendered to this soul

of helping people helping people

at the expense of rock and roll

Isn't what I am doing noble? Not if it causes harm

to my soul and the ones around me

Not if I'm barely hanging on...

There are so many things to worry about

About making ends meet and such

and people not capable of bringing in their share

and living in the dust

And at the end of the day

and even the beginning I can barely even start

so saddened by the fear and prospects

of this and that and us

- March 13, 2009

To where you have come....

Everyone talking about doing this and doing that

Bragadocious as it may seem to some

Also known as self promotion, albeit to some it's shameless

to others harmless

To what do we owe the hate?

Jealousy it laughs and screams and turns a red steam faced lady

Selfish people talking about themselves, it's easy to complain.

But you've worked so hard, brothers and sisters, and in that there is no harm

There is no harm in letting your loved ones know what you've done

To where you have come

Resistance and admiration

is what you will get, and

you'll learn who your real friends are

you will learn who your true fans are

you will learn so much about these people

when you're name is in lights

you will learn so much about these people

who is real and who is alright

in their lack of action

lack of communication

lack of response

No words say a lot

No communication is in and of itself communication

and those people tell so clearly on themselves

What is wrong with a little praise?

A little acknowledgement of what you've done so far

which is more than many will do in a lifetime

but maybe not enough for you

which may not be a lot to some people

but just enough for you

I praise you my boys and girls

for life is too short to care

we're all on a path here

why not we all share

Be proud of what we're achieving, how little it may seem

Mustn't forget the big picture, the larger things, the scheme

And if they cannot praise you, you know so much about them

too busy in their own mental drama, to really be a friend

- March 04, 2009

Reminders and The Visage....

It got depleted so I had to go back. It's more this time, so it should move faster.

It's more this time, and greater and better, though in some ways it feels like going backwards.

I have to put it back, and let it grow, bigger than I let it grow before and then all of a sudden it

was gone.

What else is it good for if you don't spend what you earn? You're hard earned trust turn into rust

and pennies in the dust.

She was absent from the page today, but yesterday it was full blown visage. Today, it's one

false word and immediate silence. Oh, the reminders of your semblage.

I am too used to the pattern, too knowledgeable about this routine. I can't go back, and no you

can't come hither. Hitherto forward in my direction. Not so.

And the day was long and lonely in so many ways, and sadness and emptiness fills my soul. at

the end of the day when I am all alone. And your screws loose everywhere. And your mind a

cannon not here, but there.

And laughter from the other room I swear. I don't believe it's all that happy in there. But I could

be wrong, and I know I'm sad, but I think of the other empty rooms with sadness within the

walls, it's a tragedy of the human condition, this I know, and still yet I feel naked.

There are days like these when I write in riddles, and I solve the puzzles and I wanna eat

hamburgers and sweaters and heaters and meters. There are days like these when I just wanna

slit my wrist so I can feel something, slit my belly so I can feel some pain, fill it up with grease

and shame. There are days like this when I am tired of playing your game.

So, I try to do these things that will hopefully join us together, but it won't, cuz you won't and

whatever, I don't care. I won't bother you anymore. This time I swear.

- February 11, 2009

My Pink Sleeves

After a long restful night with you by my side You know I'm dreading the day

Wanna be near you and soft milky white skin the scent so soft

Drear of leaving this side when all I wanna do is watch from within

and hear you play

It sure is a long day, but all that time in between otherwise would be lost

gone to waste, when it just takes a little. And,

I'm rejuvinated today.

I wrap my arms around this being which grows us together

and my breath is shallow but long and deep as it all molds together

My pink sleeves which keep me warm in the cold at night

and you while you sleep.

You breathe deep in your sleep. Your breath your guiding light.

I am relieved and open for you, my dear.

- February 10, 2009

The Neurotic & The Insubordinate

I'm checked out already...Two months have yet to pass.

I'm checked out already.You knew that going in.

I'd hoped it would be different. Figured it'd be ok?

No. We're not good friends. What choice do I have?

Torn between both sides.

the Neurotic and The insubordinate.

Your children cannot stand you. You do not have their best interest in mind.

You want me to support you. I cannot have your back.

It will dig me into an early grave. Out of this place.

I cannot be your slave.

So. What is my next move?

I'm sorry to say it's silent rebellion.

Yesterday was the precursor pinnacle to today's final resolution.

I no longer want to be here.

Don't know how long it will last.

So. Silence & Division.

Meeting after meeting.

No more kissing ass and smiling, subserviant-ism nor having of your neurotic back.

- January 24, 2009

Quiet as Mice.......

In my house, Saturday morning,

Quiet as Mice

One would never know that within these walls

exist so much life

I love these quiet mornings when everyone is asleep

and surrounded by these walls while the sun begins to peek

drinking my coffee and typing these words for you

Another amazing accomplishment, I do have to say

2008 was full of things I am proud of today

A house, a career and music within my reach

A true love and destiny at my finger tips

But then as the household wakes up, and breakfast in bed goes home

I start to regret calling you in here

Because you won't close your mouth

And talk talk talk about yourself like no one has ever listened to you before

And I have to sit here and listen listen to people all day long

all week long

For once perhaps I would like to do the talking.....

And the peace and quiet of the morning is gone....

Long gone........

- January 17, 2009

What You Do Not Give, Sir

Working working working paying dues in so many respects

karma

you have to earn it

karma

you're in the midst of it

and just when you get something good

it appears it is not the end

other obstacles present in your path en-route to where you begin

Is it so wrong that I love you? so wrong that I desire such things

which are just too hard for you to give up

unless I take it from within

Is it wrong to desire balance?

Sometimes it feels like such a sin....

This journey we've embarked on so close to my soul

This journey we've started together in between days, so cold

And at the end of my days you are there

although I cry all day because of love for you sometimes I fear and dread

Your scent invokes passion, a lust I cannot control

with tears in my eyes I leave your side

this you will never know

and everyday my heart grows fonder

it scares me deep within

for I already know to get what I want I have to walk strong in this here skin

But with so much time to think, girl, the lust and passion turns to an obsession

Of what you do not give sir, unless I take it which, perhaps, is what you wish

Everyday you remind me of what an angel you are

Creating together a force

that takes years and time which are arbitrary

if you really consider the source

And you've taught me of all the things over years I have collected

in my heart and in my mind that now must be rejected

for if we hang on to such material, expectations become blockades

the struggle will be greater, while mankind dies with age

I'm trying to be stronger because what I believe is true

And I believe in what we're doing,

Sir, I believe in you

I am trying not to obsess on the energy in my core

And instead I'm trying to channel the words like a wordsmith or a whore

Treating my body like a temple and my mind that is attached

Treating our Being like a fortress ready for attack

For what you do not give sir

I will continue to take

and for what you do not take sir

I will for you make

- January 17, 2009

I Live In The Air

I am a traveling person that does not have a fixed home nor abode. I will roam where ever I

please. You may call me a vagabond, nomad, vagrant, or gypsy.

My soul has a fleeting heart and no real home: THE WORLD IS MY HOME. Don't be fooled by

the color, texture and features of my face, skin, hair. Don't be fooled by my clothing. I am a child

of the WORLD.

I am not an Ethnicity, that which you may want me to be, that which bounds me, limited out to

the sea. Although I am proud of my heritage, I am also wild crazy and free.

I am not an IDENTITY. THAT WHICH YOU WANT ME TO BE. I AM SIMPLY ME.

I AM A CHILD of the world. I am neither WOMAN, MAN nor ANIMAL. I DO NOT BREED.

I do not belong to a city, state, country, but rather to the WILD. LIMITLESS. BREEZE.

I do not follow a doctrine or sacrament. I am not of organized religion, culture or tradition.

I LIVE IN THE AIR. LIKE A BIRD, PLANE or TRAIN.

I WILL FLY....

I CAN FLY....

I WILL FLY....

- January 14, 2009

It Seems Like it's Me

You don't like anything at all... not even yourself

some call it insecurity, and my psychobabble friend would call it

low ego strength

I've been trying to be nice for many years it seems

but you still hate and perpetuate the distaste

distrust for yourself and in between

and it seems like its at me you're always pointing the finger

and you make it seem so crystal clear

you make it so it seems like it's me

And years and years of studying Psychology it would seem

that I would have a clue and stop the ass for you I'm kissing

for trying to make you happy, comfortable and safe

when all you do is continue to hate.

And, I am not ok with it at all.

All you people and the people who you hate, and you act like you hate me

have nothing nice to say, look away, dis dis dis or avoid avoid away

I know it can't be me, because I'm really nice most of the time

I know it can't be me because I go out of my way for you all the time

to say nice things to you

and

recognize you

I know it's deep within you and has to be inside you

some fear you harbor about me,

because you really hate yourself

and you are dishonest about it to your face

though your hate runs so deep

Can't you see it's you, not me?

you do it so well

You make it seem like it's me.

In turn, I do these things to test you

I am now admitting to myself, go the extra mile for you

Putting myself out on this shelf

One last gesture of kindness to see if you will take

the bone I throw out to you and if you'll respond in jest

but when all I get is silence or solemn words with no expression

I know I know it right there and then

I have done nothing wrong than try to say "Hey, you are my friend."

But you'd rather spit in my face, and have nothing nice to say

throw my friendship away

what choice do I have

than to simply walk away

I don't need to be treated that way

My friend says it's better to feel sorry for you than hurt or shed any tears

For it's really you who are suffering when you spread your diseased wings

It's hard to feel your pain when you point the finger

make me feel so little, spreading your inner torture

especially when I have tried to be nothing but your friend.

2008

I Don't This It's Very Cool....

Lime lips sucking on tasty suckers, bought up at the Chinese dollar treelong arm picking up the

telephone he's going to be late for dinner again

while you pop your pills and drink your tea, this was all your idea remember?

He does not let you forget.

oh trust me I think the family is happy

overall you got what you always wanted

but was it all just for show?

It's hard to imagine that there is any love involved.

Like mom and dad who married for love

did you do it for convenience?

And when it doesn't work out, it's too late now

you gotta stay together.

or do you?

So contrived these things these labels these formats

I can't imagine what you like about it

I can't imagine why you think I should curtail to you

when you don't love it, although you try to be it

for some reason I just don't believe it

It's only you who thinks the

world should bow to you. because you did what you were supposed to do

well, I don't think it's very cool.

I don't think it makes you happy or true

but just a sheeplike follower who must now live with their choices.

- December 23, 2008

Little Mod Plaid Jackets

Stuffing your pockets little girl, like fair skinned super model

and little dotted dresses stuffed with candies your tresses

soft and straight

or long and wavy, like little mod plaid jackets with the belt around the waist

Today, I will shop shop till I drop

Bored of these mental illness documentation papers papers everywhere

and my coffee gets cold so fast in the morning. so it seems

but really the time just flies in the arctic breeze

in these motorcycle boots which are more like those found in Ireland

or Sweden somewhere northern cold and green. to walk on the rolling hills

and wet marshes.

And with that sadness and nothing else to say

loneliness and left aloneness, and having my own spaceness

- December 11, 2008

Out in the Air

So you are concerned about the things I write

And you think it's about you... Well, maybe it is.

But, quite unlikely

In this day and age of slaving away behind computer desks

strapped to your ergonomic chair I publish my thoughts for the world to see

it's cryptic messages now worry you which in turn worry me

So much is at stake here, and I have to be concerned

I just don't like you reading into what I have to say

I am not that passive aggressive as you try to make me out to be

Look here lady, you'd know if it was about you

Trust me when I say, it's all about me

Censorship is not my forte'

but do I have to explain everything I say

confront me if you may

Now I know, and see what he says

If you've got something on your mind say it right away

so I can defend myself today

Not tomorrow, next year or yesterday

But in the moment, let it pass

Open and out in the air

- December 10, 2008

The Voyeur

You think no one is watching you as you sip your juice

you flip your hair

toss off your slippers

no one hears you as you whisper

so you say so you think

but on the other side of your window

lies a peeping tom in wake

lying in your wake a peeping tom awaits

for you to shake a tail feather

slide off your bustier

and your panties off your derriere

or just to see you walking around

like you do

talking, twirling, dancing singing

oh trust me

he is listening

He's got weird fetishes

a list of them, he'd like for you to do

in his bedroom

with you and he alone

But the voyeur is a sad and empty soul

no courage or nerve hits him ten fold

he'll sit alone and pretend

worship you from afar

and one day maybe he'll get lucky

and the ehxibitionist will steal the show

- November 29, 2008

To Be Sad Today

tumbling tumblewood drifting off like tea should

i always assumed I would want to

be surrounded by people today

And even just yesterday I even worried I'd be sad today

and that was just an expectation I had

and you know I could have made that choice

To be Sad today

but it didn't happen

because I realized I don't care as much as I thought I might

as I expected I would

and had fun today with my little party

no expectations no party dress

We even drank mimosas

and I didn't even wash my hair

I'd have to say it was a perfect day

- November 27, 2008

Last Night's Atrocities

I don't care about last night's atrocities

I am not worried about the lack there of finding the right pawns

I know this is all part of a larger manifestation

that is bigger than what I have ever known

I am not being brought down by the limited minds

I am not even bothered that I have no friends in the fields of the boxing ring

I don't even notice it anymore

There is a lot of testing going on and I have to continue to believe

which isn't hard, cuz I already believe. I already know.

I already know and believe. It becomes clearer everyday.

- November 26, 2008

Now the Real Work Begins

There are no surprises although I am quite excited they like the music

Love the heavy heavy drawls of the day

the week, began empty then continued all the way. It was the 4th time in one week

he came around, all of a sudden it's all abound.

and I'm surprised and amazed but not really

now the real work begins.

And my world of work. About to get crazy and hectic. And I can't help but see

the patterns repeating themselves. but I'm excited none-the-less.

now the real work begins. plans get under way.

in about 3 months time, we wanna get out and play.

- November 21, 2008

The Events of the Day

He tells her he likes her patent leather booties

the way she pops her heels and releases her ankls

his fetish has got me thinking....

My day was colored by the sense of selling out

this artist way of life

empty hours in the day, are they going to soon be filled?

sometimes hard work sounds more appealing

but I don't want to wear a blouse from the department store

nor some slacks that need hemming

I'm hopeful in other terms of what tonight may bring

but disappointment is all to quick to rear it

s funny head.

when it rains it pours and maybe thats what the horse needs

a kick into second gear

the word out to the universe that says

oh she's busy now, now she doesn't have time let's feed her steak

or it could be the other way around and the kitchen will fizzle out

no steak, not even fries, but just the swish swish shwish of driving to work

in the rain. doldrum days in the rain.

sucking down fast food, it's definitely not what I usually do

and once in a while too, I'll definitely drink a red bull.

i'm excited to see what happens this eve

but know i'm not the only deciding factor, if it were up to me...

hell cherry lips woulda stayed, or bill blass would have stayed and we'd be on long on our way...

these things just don't happen over night, and by the time we find one another

someone else has to leave.

I'm so used to it by now, it's not even funny, but still get excited cuz there is new eneergy in the

air, and each person brings a new smell.

- November 13, 2008

I Just Wanna go to Sleep

Energy dry cuz I am always working my fingers to the bone,

even when relaxing I don't

my days are long and keep going strong

i like this lifestyle but feel it's boredom seeping in

i like this lifestyle but haven't written a god damn thing

maybe it's time to start readin agin...

i definitely like the winter nights

sipping coffee and type type typing

the words don't matter its just the tactile

sense of the click click clicking of my finger on the computer keyboards

cuz i don't really have anything that deep to say

Im really so superficial and empty and empty and empty

i like the idea of being a sex psychologist or writing a literary masterpiece

of being an academic book worm, and writing a musical medley

i like the idea of fashion, finger less gloves and tall black boots, leatherette

i like the artist tortured broke and hungry

but I have nothing to create, nothing to sew together

just fucking dumb words, that don't even rhyme

that don't even chime, nor linger in your mind

ok, maybe except that time

occasionally the song will come and sometimes a good poem

but most of the time it's wishful thinking, combined with a restless overactive mind

that takes not cultivation time

and a lot of criticism of others, and envy and jealousy and pretending all of it doesn't exist,

though i try my best to avoid it,

and then it's 9:30 its time to retire to my room tired and alone

since I can't get on a plane today, and cruise down himalaya st.

I just wanna go to sleep.

- November 10, 2008

Le Sex

Le Douche Gigolo like sex fetish books at the bookstore

it's all we talk about these days, and think about all day

how to fix your sore relationship with a wet interlude of a vagina

and how you just couldn't seem to make it, just couldn't seem to shake it

wanting her back, wanting it back, so bad

He sells his sack on the black market, while he sells his soul at lunch

can't seem to get to the place He needs to with music

but who am I to talk, who am I to come running to?

I have nothing to offer you, vaginal lube is directed at someone new

no one has time for someone who isn't going to give them the vagina

let's get to the point i mean unless there is a chance

your gonna get laid

then seriously who wants to play the bass

no one wants to look at the big picture anymore

even if being a giant vagina does not equate being a pussy

or a douche gigolo

if you get the fucking sex out of your head maybe you can accomplish something big

something great

if you could just delay gratification then maybe you could pull your ass out of your head long

enough

and actually enjoy le sex.

- November 09, 2008

Jeez, Us.

Story telling and creating myths

behind closed doors behind closed eye lids

embracing creativity in your clothing your styles

telling them what it means

jeez us. it means nothing at all, to me nor anyone else.

jeez us.

there is no god to some of us there is no one left at all

this song is not about a being a person

there is nothing there at all

there is no story behind these words just a palette

I've sown together

there is no linkage for you to know

just read it like you shall

see it like you will

sing it like it is

so turn away the artist in me does

for I create not for you but for me

something in me

and I don't have to depict it for you

nor analyze criticize like some

philosophical history class at the university

dont let it be figured out

thats better art anyway

not trying to understand what the artist' says

jeez.us.

- November 02, 2008

Stones

Talk about smoking the smoke in and not tapping in to creativity

and the attacks

for people who do not know how to be creative

I felt the jab

It was meant for me

because I was disrupting the chi

talking about why I do not let the smoke in

discouraging maybe the little children

when it's just my experience i am sharing

I don't think it's nice to judge me for not indulging

in your slackeyed motivation

I don't know what to say about it

but I know it is true

There is only so much it can do for you.

It's not fair to be told that I am not letting go

I stand my ground asshole

I won't let go

I believe what I want and don't play with my life

I know what illness is not right

So, anger and sadness, but the truth I know is unfortunate

you always hurt the ones with words who make you feel inferior

but it's your insecurity all the way around.

And, it's sad.

- October 29, 2008

All in a Song

Everything turns into a song, that's just who I am

and our new neighbors and other friends trying desperately to understand

though we try to explain

but music is in my blood and as practicing musicians we're different

than the ones who once were, who once did

but have now settled down and moved on to something more practical in nature

with 9 to 5 jobs and families to support

we live like you thought in your youth, but it is in our veins, it's really just part of our claim

to keep us sane

we're kinda like vampires, except its no blood we need to suck

we're kinda like vampires, can't properly raise a child or cook a meal

but maybe once in a blue moon.

We stay up really late, if not all night

stay out really late, all of the night

afraid of day light

day light works for the regular folk

but as a child of the song it makes it rather hard to cope

the world wants to change and prepare for the long haul

for the cold nights alone

make preparations for the church induced doctrine of the neo-natal

nuclear family

4.1 beings under one roof, one man, one woman, and the children

the post-modern doctrine of a Christian fundamental world

won't work for us in the rock n roll world

won't work for us to separate ourselves from our souls

to separate ourselves from peoples and beings

and to stop sharing....

why would we ever want to stop sharing?

I embitter as I walk away from the remnants of a traditional role

embarrassed I ever got sucked in

to a world so not me, to a role I couldn't control

a gypsy minded girl

I'm sorry I'm not a separatist, a nuclear family minded conservatist

who claims to be a liberal but still clings to mayflower pilgrim family idealists

so sorry I can't be a hypocrite, smoking cigarittes

while prescribing to social images

so sorry you don't get to taste the open air on my lips

so sad you can't taste the freedom on my fingertips

because when all is said and done

I still have time to write this song

- October 26, 2008

Feelin Like Bonnie and Clyde

Written Sometime towards the end of October, 2008

It's 90F outside desert valley streets strip mall after strip mall after strip mall. Some country

meets Asian Mexican ghetto cafe, feeling like Bonnie and Clyde... We sit and order coffee the

fucking valley, living a bohemian lifestyle that I've always wanted on the surface, its one thing to

look the part but to actually be away from the style of the city. It's hard even though only ten

miles away somewhere tucked into the deep deep country. Motorcycle Riders in all black.

Overweight frizzy hair older women with crispy faces, Spanish speaking families.... The youthful

world of the big city does not exist here. Here we are the true bohemians broke musicians living

in the country.

- October 24, 2008

The Way We Once Were

Finally, when you look that Jesus in the eye, and self soothe your midnight cries

recognize the bitterness is holding you back blocking you from growing

wings, even though you are still flying, and still somehow learning

because we continue to move forward even in our ruts

and we continue to grow, even if it is around the gut

I'm just thankful for the fear, that I do not have

that many do, that holds them back

You talk about despair and cravings as the beast within you grows

you talk about it's kicking as the alien inside you bellows

you wish you could go and see you favorite artist but he doesn't really know

late nights at the room of elbow, a long long time ago

you're married now, as I walk around single and alone

you wonder out loud what happened why we're always on opposite ends of the pole

like a teeter totter I say that's how we stay in balance

and you disagree, it's just a matter of guilt, loneliness and impatience

that prevents us from being together like we were once

It doesn't even phase me, as I listen to your cries

his possession, his obsession, holding on to you so tight

I was in that room for years, stuck and suffocating

The freedom I have now is just too liberating

to go back to any semblance of ownership

No one owns me now,

No one owns me now, not that they ever did,

but tried to

oh how they tried and it's just part of human nature

to love and to fear, to love and to fear that our loved ones will disappear

I just can't do it again

I don't think I can ever do it again

The girls all compliment my new "special" friends

trying to encourage me to get tied down again

It sounds wonderful to be strapped to an ideal

that is attached to an individual with minds and games and fears

that are not my own, so not my own

I don't have the energy to own, something so not my own

When I've got my own to own

So ladies I know, misery loves company, and I love that you love

someone special in your life, to cherish

it's nice to be loved

but it's the way I once was, and a road I can never go down again

so I say, but who really knows, just know that I can't tolerate ownership and posession

the way we are told.

the way we once were

- October 21, 2008

Gone with the Wind

My name is no longer Motor...sure it was a nickname, a stagename but is it phenom

a plunom? Does it still hold the same?

I can't decide but I feel the change wanting to abound

call me by my birth given name I am not your musical love slave

I no longer support those who cannot support themselves

cannot stand behind their word

I no longer support those who do not support me

so gone is Motor gone is Wilson gone gone with the wind

I can no longer write poetry that has this here label

I can no longer wait, succomb give in to subservient whims

No longer can I sit around only to go to bed

sit around exhausted energy sucked out of my head

I can no longer live under a narcissistic ideal in a world falling apart

Cannot hold onto a material persona needing to be when I already was

It existed when it needed to, a time when it was needed

to remind me of who and what I want to be

but I am me, can't be anything but and that person is here

without the tag, without the name, within

So I am going to go backwards or embrace something new

like a new added addage surname for true

- October 18, 2008

Deep in the Middle of Nowhere

the circle of the living room so comfortable so inviting

but the house is an energy sucker

at first it was reassuring and then invigorating

and then.....

it began to suck you in....

it began to suck me in.....

until I found myself sinking...

until I am ultimately sinking...

we can't hear the cat's meow so he constantly gets locked out

can't hear much of anything but that which echo's the giant space

oh on the surface it looks so nice, so clean so organized

so spacious and a far cry from the bohemian squalor we came from

so you people say

"you guys are so lucky," why we're glad you approve

"but it is just so far, isn't it a little far?"

oh sure we are really lucky to be stuck out here so far away deep in the desert

deep in the middle of nowhere

if only you guys knew

that underneath and all around lurks a spirit which draws us in and sucks us dry

is sucking us dry

a blanket that covers our soul and forbids us to fly

a forgiveness that doesn't forgive and sucks us dry

forever sucking us dry

a forgiveness that doesn't forgive and

forever sucks us dry

- October 18, 2008

North Hollywood

Waking up too much sun and dirt

strong coffee and benzodiazapines

cowboy boots and native finger rings

ladies in their panties, getting into cars

strip club fancy panties all over this city

lingering nancies of the night

unafraid of the morning light

shining on their oh what a sight

oh what an amazing sight

country roads and streetside haciendas galore

lizards and reptiles, lacey banditas

and baby strappin' cholitas

tattoed to the core

leather face, stubby fingers, calloused hands guitar girls

long haired rocker boys sleeping in the haystack

heroin overdose a thing of the past

lingering on

pasty cake grace

all dressed in black

North hollywood reservoir

just on the otherside of this a here wash

the wrong side of the tracks

frankly, mr. shankly steven would sew

this we all know

ghetto suburb mexico white trash rainbow


How We Feel Today

The girl so many years to hear the same thing

and still keep her around

not really a friend

for she is never really around

so there was a party here and there these last few years

but its still no excuse

to perpetuate the lie that she is a friend

when she gives nothing nothing nothing

and gets nothing in return

except a face to frown upon

a place to look down upon

she does not care to be a friend anyway

so i guess we are all better off this way

the oldness of our days the oldness of our ways

should not dictate does not indicate how we feel today


The Atheist

I don't want babies, and sometimes feel so bad

like I'm not the girly girl I'm supposed to be

because I am going to end up sad and lonely

I can't imagine the suckling of breast milk nor the late night feedings

I am much too simple

I can't imagine the shopping the decorating the waiting for the baby

the purchasing and the planning and the demanding of my time

I am much too peaceful

He wonders why I feel bad, perhaps you are in denial

that's so easy to say, so cliche'

I just feel bad and thats not why anyway

It's the way I have to listen and feign interest in the girls

my good friends discuss the alien in their belly

the amazing amazing spiritual baby birth process which I will never know

I wonder if this makes me shallow

I don't want to be shallow, any more than I already am

Perhaps I fear my lack of spirituality makes me an ugly dry atheist

which I never talk about, and cringe when people mention God

every single time. I die.

It's been this way for as long as I can remember. I don't tell anyone

haven't in years. Don't want to argue because

It's not that I don't believe in alien life forms or ripples

or even intelligence of a larger kind

it's just that I know it's a machine churning and churning

nature will control and do what is natural organic and

us people we just don't know

constantly trying to control

there is no God no ground control, it's just nature and it's cycle

My pregnant friend thinks its noble not to frivolously populate

my other friend, mother of two, says you get to be the crazy aunt

accepting each others life as thier own to navigate

other girls wonder why I don't feel like they

I think it's a giant gash in our ways, these girls have gone

It's a giant canyon they think their way, being a mother, letting child ravage body.

Especially at this age...or perhaps any age...

There is more to life I say.....I think I've officially gone my distance ways.


Girl, Be Healthy and Smart

Early to bed, early to rise

It's a pattern I've always owned

but in these recent times honed

The opportunities will be different

Alone

My rhythm follows this cycle

Though I'd love to eek out more hours in the day

Hanging with the boys all night

But when they get their second wind

To finish chores undone and art a more

I've somewhere else, off to be

no more to be seen

I swear I have tired to change

but I guess it isn't me

I've got this inner clock that tells me

Girl be healthy and smart

Wealth may or may not be yours

Girl you gotta be only smart

Be only yourself, when sleep takes over

no need to fight it

tomorrow I am better


Compliments

I am so tired of the bragadocious so tired of my niceness

my nice compliments day in day out

i just want to be left alone to linger in my own silence, in my own peace

in my own place, in my own space

left alone to sleep on the floor or the couch at 5 in the morning.

how dare you notice that one time, that one measly time when you are fucking preoccupied with

the tides of the moon no connection to what is going on with you

overweight and detached like most of America

So I do a line of cocaine here and there and you don't mind, in fact you supply it to me, let me

do what I want

well I want to sleep on the floor. I want to be left alone. I don't want to want or need to need, or

want to need or need to want anymore. And I don't want to do any of this with you anymore.

No, I am not mad, and you might think I am, but I am just being me, the way you get to be you,

and I don't question or complain, and you compliment me the same this way

I let you be you, and I wait for a bone.

I know what I have to do, but in theory it becomes ridiculous and hard hand swept defeat. Just

let me sleep. Just let be me you do, and then I remember it is perfect this way.


So Now You Say You're a Painter

So now you say you're a painter and I obsess with Henry Miller

We've all got our new or old endeavors, and I've finally moved past the rock band fancy

Gonna experiment with sounds, because the music is in me and write the books, while he fills

his well of inspiration

getting A's and building the machine, undoing the system, movies and movies

and you paint your pictures, no band drama no pain

So now you say you're a painter and the rest is folklore

stories and storytellers all musicians are anyway, artists in our own ways

and the drug addicts have gone sober and the pool is overflowing with water

I realize who my friends are and who my friends can be, and I'm getting soft around the belly

but it still feels pretty

because the skirts I wanna wear with Vera and boots I wanna wear with Mary

I do it anyway, and it all still feels pretty

Henry didn't try quite as hard, and perhaps he didn't have to....but neither do we or you

So maybe everyone has turned painter or producer or writer or some bull shit endeavor which I

barely believe anymore

anyway

but it still feels pretty


Henry Miller

The same desires have lost their flavor

I have been pronouncing this mantra all week

I thought I would be more excited

for the dress and the regalia for the rock and the sunshine

Two houses while the poor reside in un air conditioned apartments

while I live with a houseful of motel habitants and participants

writing, living in squalor and tight quarters provide

the inspiration for this here and the writing

doing laundry at the laundromat and I know what my friends would say

how unglamorous

but obviously they don't know art or Henry Miller

and that I don't care if I live this way forever


One of Those Days...

Where I float and it feels like I should just float off the page

I need the distractions, but then they become just that

Distractions

When there is so much water and dirt and soil to grow ten million trees right here

Wandering off into some other gardens

I'm less evolved than most

More needy than most

and Now today I feel bad

Sad

And ready to go

back into my shell and close the door

write the story lines or the songs of the days long gone

God it's all just so ridiculous how I want to float around

How I crave some balance

How sad I am today

And, he's right....he's right on many levels

except for the ones he tries to understand

but even then he is right

It's too hard to go it alone

36 and still not brave it would seem

a waste of time

this life

if all this time and all I do is learn

it would seem, i said

- August 22, 2008

I want a new life

your're already bored of this one she asks

yup

In my fickle ways, and the last 7 or 8 not so fickle years

of rock and roll and punk mayhem

and all of a sudden realizing your Iron Maiden undertones

not underwear with skulls on them all your chains and metal

pretty pretty fishnets and long blonde hair ways

it's ok this fashion when you really want to hear some keyboard and literal

meanings that make you think

fuck that cheesy crap

fuck the rocky road ways

maybe its time to return to my ways

or maybe its just time to explore deeper the skin

love the skin your in

some dance and moody mixture band from some endless road comes

and its beauty has beseeched me and left me sullen and empty

for his body and mind

I was once so absorbed by

and love won't go away thats for sure

but realization of my truth may take me away

- August 16, 2008

Romantic Evening

Driving around during magic hour

listening to the droning sadness of The Cure

visions of a lesbian-fronted version to call my own

And the weight has been lifted,

because I worry for no reason

a non-jealous supportive response

to some old baggage I hold on to

and I want to cry, or sigh

who is this person, and why is he letting me be me

free

I drive around alone, during magic hour

I hardly work anymore and tonight I go home alone

Last night I tossed and turned overcome by fear and worry

tonight I'll sleep like a baby

I feel in love on and off

but that's not the point anymore

and now that's been established

we can move on

hold my hand in support, but not in possession

not in ownership

if you love someone set them free

Romantic evening I drive around alone

Downtown, Chinatown, Little Tokyo, and under the bridge

Dreaming of friends and freedom and the taste of wine on my lips

The sun sets and it's too dark to even write anymore

It's getting too dark to write here anymore

And they've all started walking home, holding hands

Sometimes the words they spill like a faucet

but only when happiness and inspiration, which are basically the same thing anyway, meet

Being out and about

Summer LA nights

the lights so bright far off in the distance

I stay out late alone

This is home.

- August 13, 2008

Billy Sleeping on the Couch

deep sigh

go in there and just stop thinking

deep sigh

or stay in here and keep blinking

anxious belly

nows the time billy

sleeping on the couch

guitar entrance

or midi experiment

this morning in Target

I felt this experience

valley living for a reason keep reminders

guitar strumming lets play already

come fix this thing here and change your picture my dear

I just don't like to say things like that, cuz I got angry when you said it to me

I tell you and I will cuz I have to get over these things.....

- August 10, 2008

Woman of Leisure

Literary genius, making a name for yourself, still partying by candlelight, and making people go

crazy

new discoveries, and memories, and reminders of what is so easily, just be, exist in neutrality

let the love in please

every time he takes his pants down for you does he get angry? treat you so badly

and everytime do you blame yourself pull away, tired of hearing his blathering ways

so tired again today

she wants to jam, invite her over I say

otherwise I will sit in here and write these essays all doggone day

cuz i'm not picking up the guitar today not when I already did so much work today

I'm a woman of leisure these days, remember

books, and journals, and books and journals, throw in a magazine here and there

turn on the computer and maybe the work will come my way

now there is an idea, i say.

- August 09, 2008

I Can Barely See

I never see myself playing guitar anymore....i'm not out of the woods yet, I never see the forest

for the trees.....I'm down on these knees, meant for these bees please, let me on this stage, let

me smell the sweat pour down our foreheads please. Before I am so jaded and retired.

If only I could see the guitar holding so tightly on to me . Not letting me be. Not letting me sleep.

Every morning it's anxiety. No, really what is going to happen to me. Thinking it's something

devastatingly deathful and untasteful. When really who really knows.

I'm tired and maybe it's just time to sleep, eat, sleep and eat some more.

- August 03, 2008

All Over The World

I've got friends, and weekends like this I'm lucky to know

they've all come here to reside in the city of the Angels

to chuck their unhealthy ways to work to work and fucking live

I've just got to get out more....

So we get to see each other, like no time has passed

but I have no idea who your day to day friends are

but it doesn't matter because we all come together anyway

and your friend gives me the key to their mansions,

their summer houses

And your new girlfriend feeds me endless supply of Brazillian potato salad

and I invite you old friend into my home, then to my summer house and back

into my new house in a strange world of focused music and work.

I just need to get out more...

And she's sober now, god, we used to party for years and years and years

and she's doing good, and I watch her and sit on her bad as she packs

she seems somehow sad.

I remind her it's so good, she's doing good, and she smiles yes

We've just got to get out more....

- July 27, 2008

scenic moments when things are pleasant and happy

its all state of mind little kiddies

when the guitar was played long enough today

maybe I'm learning it has nothing to do with the keys

and everything to do with the strings

that soothes the angry empty soul

that's not yet travelling the world

that yearns and needs and begs and pleads

and hopes and prays and then bleeds

If only it were truly bleeding then there would really

be a reason for such an angry season.

grow up stupid child ignorant bitter woman

and lick the tasty freedom that's resting on your lips

lightly brushing your hips like a dance or a glass of wine

and be strong in what you do dumbass.

- July 19, 2008

Space and Room

I guess I should have known

I know I did

I have been slowing down, and trying not be be impatient

or take it personal

it's not personal

just personal style

and I'm too much go go go go go go for some

it does make me sad and is a little disheartening

but the pull has been to go it alone

though that's not necessary here

it definitely feels like it

in some ways

or maybe it's just easier that way

pulling away everyday

creating division

i give you room

you give me space

the closeness disappears

and then change

but alas change is good

and I think I'll be happier this way

I'll give you space

and I'll get my own room

- July 18, 2008

Like Before

I guess I imagined it different... I guess I imagined it like before

and I had all these preconceived notions of how it should be

like it was before

and then I read back, and find it weird how so many things i wanted

and predicted are here, here and now, how weird

and then I realize it's all right here

it's all written here

those old songs

like old ripped off doors

i'm stupid this way

suckled down by my own neurotic neurosis

but I wanted collaboration

I guess I expected there to be more

this time, like before

but I'm open to change

and flexible for what is to come

and I'm reminded and comforted that it's all right here

It's all been written right here

so I guess that's what I have got to do.

we've got what we've started too

and what is written here

is all right here

and it's kind of like I pictured it

I guess I knew

it's different from before

even though I kinda prepared for it

planned it, and foreshadowed it

I guess I knew it wasn't going to be like before....

- July 18, 2008

Sobriety and Compromise

I know how much I can compromise

I know how much I've done it before

I know some is required to make it work...to get what I want, need, love

I don't care to be sober today

Though I know it's probably better that way

Want a beer, a coors light, "sweetheart?"

No, I think I'll just go and sit on the porch.

Some simple Glendale townhouse, at least it's green here

and unlike the cactii laden streets where I live

I don't want to be sober today

Though, I think I am happier this way

I am slightly hungover anyway

Yesterday was another day

She and I drunk by the pool all day

on a fucking Wednesday

under the Hollywood sign in the hills somewhere

Foreign boys in briefs, feeding on cocaine

at least she's not married, pregnant or employed

"I want to be a porn star," she says

"Jump on my back," I say

We piggy back down the hill this way.

Today is another day, he says, "Let's spend the day"

"Not fighting" we say, but I'm unhappy and annoyed just the same

I love him as he fixes his friend's bed upstairs

I'm thinking about the songs we play

and the unfinished ones in my head

We build each other up, it's the compromise I dread.

Talking about my lesbian lovers and friends

man daters disguised as man haters

these are our lover's words anyway

He loves her too, I can hear it in his voice, see it in his face

If only she'd love him the same way.

- July 17, 2008

Ugly and Angry

for several days now and only myself to blame

how are you going to live without all your comforts

i didn't own it before

own the dream, the desire the spirit fingers

4 months not 2 the day

so not wanting to come home

and dealing with the inadequacies that are placed by my mind

but the work that is taking place

is that of strengthening and changing livid comfort patterns

that breed ugly and angry

i'm not labeling everything mine

that's just ridiculous

if you must live in the apocalypse house

or the calypso house

or the platinum house

it's the glamour house

with keys and key and keys and keys

that breed eternally pretty

- July 14, 2008

In this Empty Room

one, two, three, babies at your door

and when he lets you down

you know where you can go

you know where to find me

shiny black my hair-do

walking in the cemetery at dusk, song trails in my thoughts

I'm going to set up my music studio here, in this empty room

visions of apocalypse and dust, tonight again I'm gonna put on my makeup, belts and boots

while you sing lullabies in your baby's room

while the other children at your feet scurry to the play room

visions of sunflowers wither and bloom miles between us

smiling thinking of days beyond us

and who knows what is to come

so your belly grows, how many more babies at your door?

do you know I will be here when he goes?

waiting for you dancing in my tall black boots

I will be the one to save you

Still dancing alone in this empty room

- July 11, 2008

Compliments

nobody knows what the words mean

and he's suffered at the hands of women

and I won't suck it up at the heals of idiotic men.

i will ignore it. you can bet. i will forever ignore the idiodicies, I fucking hate chauvanistic

comments syrupy and sugary sweet from your friends gate.

- July 02, 2008

Selfish and Single...guiltfree

the mother who's lips don't stop flapping about counting yer pennies, work for the man, buy a

house, get some insurance, suck suck suck, give give give into fear fear fear. You cannot

understand the mindset of my soveriegn ways

the sister oh a supposed sister who drugs and drugs and drugs her days, and yells and screams

to get her way and all of a sudden after 50K a drop in the bucket ok, oh how she expects

everyone to drop to the ground and give her 500 pushups, "jump cuz I say." And yells at me.

she thinks I will give in to her ways.

the gal she had her baby, it's babytime and baby days, i'm supposed to call and wish her well,

and be her support, be her support. suck me dry the postmortem wanna. i have nothing to give

no ear to listen to postmortem viagra.

I am the auntie with a gift, then I leave, selfish and single. No apologies. oh oh oh. Get it right.

- June 26, 2008

White Puffy Clouds

The toxic winds of the hot weather and the night and the wine

and not enough song writing and guitar playing in these days

of falling in love

and obliterated sundays spent in psychedelic haze

and the beautiful voices of ladies singing in my hear, earphones

no more a season of illusions that I cherish my happiness and freedom and freedom and

happiness

she has gone so far away and we no longer dream of her thank god, she was lost and lonely

not a happy mother no happy baby, she is no longer a child or a liar or a thief or a user or a pain

causing selfish lady, hopefully

we don't really, no we never feared those qualities, cut-throat in her own ways, does it make me

sick?

She does love. I know this. I tell myself, and know that the love is a mirror image reflecting

back at she. She does love even though she loves herself first. She loves him and her and she

and he. I know. for she is me and it's not an empty street.

It's a Saturday night and the heat lingers while her voice pounds in my ears, so beautiful and

peaceful. Comforting. Wine moisturizes my heart and I'm filled with puffy white clouds.

- June 21, 2008

Slowing Down of Service

the tiring of the apocalyptic service taken away by the handy dandy people

wow, why isn't everyone just so handy dandy and there are so many ideas flourishing

but my skirt hasn't gone well above the knee, and the fragrances haven't wafted up into my

nose

like they used to my dear

and my fishnet stockings wrapped around my legs wrapped around your legs with your heavy

jacket, gloves, hats, scarves and boots damn the summer and the chatter

for they have been replaced with

north hollywood dance parties quinceneras and such and their music wafting in the

neighborhood, way after hours and I always wake up to the Mariachi

always waking up to the Mariachi

laughing my head off

laughing my head off

why don't I always feel this happy?

why do i sometimes feel so angry?

why can't I just listen to you and be happy even when I am so damn groggy

"it's nothing a full nights rest won't cure,"

I can't even get myself to attend any of the functions I normally would

and I have only myself to blame for we do what we want

and you do what I want, within reason

don't be a bitch Motor Wilson

you're just tiring of the jeans and the jeans and the blue blue jeans

and you just need some sleep

and of course you have slowed down quite a bit

- June 14, 2008

i am an island, amidst all this chaos

i am the supplier, you are the earth

salt drying all my rain

i give so you will be free enjoy what giveth to you

what cometh your way

but so many just taketh away just taketh away

sad and lonely and empty

where are your manners child?

28 year old, grown woman

you are not a child.

and i'm angry now

as i always am

the one i wanna be with always seems so far away

though so close

yet so far away

always in the other room.

So, i wait and remember

how i woulda waited forever, but then one day i don't anymore

i get old and i get bored and something else

shiny and new grabs my attention

all the anger you caused me until then floods back in the window

and i'm reminded of what you never gave me

1.2.3.4 times maybe more

and i'm sure it will happen again

when the gleaming new toy promises salvage

- May 14, 2008

I'm so nice this way.....

Excited about the work and the play

if only I could get the sleep out of my eyes, and the dredge out of my throat

and my fingers onto the art

the art but first the muuuuulaaa baby

it's mind over matter, this I already fucking know

so much of my life is this way

me thinks communism has seen its day

but marxist societies spit in your face

supposedly capitalist in their wake

get over it i never had to

i live the positive attitude

who is the one that needs to hear it most

Ecstatic about working and playing

sugar in my cereal bowl can make thee too puffy

all these chemicals make your skin dry

and I still compliment every day

have nice things to say

i'm so nice this way

Let me see what it says on your business card

is that really right today?

what did he write today?

over there on the wall that way?

The captain flashes his badge.

We're so over your bragadocious ways.

- May 13, 2008

I don't know what else to say......

Excited about the work and play

if only I could get the sleep out of my eyes, and the dredge out of my throat

fear takes over this way

- May 13, 2008

On Being Judged and Rejected....

Walking through these days with a handful of sweet gut juice

Leaping through the air, over windswept fears of jealousy and superficial friends

then there is the current fragrance I should just be alone

I am ultimately mostly alone anyway, yet bound by these strong strings

"can you talk?" I know what he means, and I can't help but feel

I traded these in

It's all for the journey "you made all the right moves"

is that not subjective to the person it benefits the most?

I know I did though. For I had to see this through

and disappointment on being judged and rejected

controls me today... and her words ring true You need time. Neediness a reflection of time.

I want her to be right. and the other one saying "You will feel the pain 3 months later." I want her

to be wrong.

And I know she is. I feel both right now.

Who controls the time? Who controls the time and space? I wonder not.

- April 26, 2008

All the Fucking Talk

Ladies ladies ladies

all you wanna do is talk talk talk

and shop shop shop

eat, shop, eat shop, and fucking talk

talk about love and process all its glory

hear about my love life and untangle all my stories

I like my life it's mystery, the tangled webs i weave

I like to keep it to myself and hunger for it beneath

I dress myself in the morning and I would rather make the money

than listen to you tell me how love is supposed to be

How can you define a gigantic mystery of love

you're so confused by it, you advertise idiot

magpie he cals it, and it rings true

going to Costco to spend your lunch hour

on hotdogs and super size value packs

no thank you magpie

i'd rather sit here and make money on top of money

than listen to your blathering blabber

go talk up another fucking ladder.

- April 25, 2008

Mongolian Nomad

Saying trading it all for Rock 'n Roll

And dead serious

these mundanities of 9 to 5-ities and HMO health plan-ities

and beauracracies

limited versions of so-called families and no flexibility

and idiodacy friends who stab you once twice three times

not out of spite, but sheer airheaded careless-ness

like leaving the door of your house open so everyone can steal your things

what's really going on bitches?

grow the fuck up

peeling off layer by layer, one by one

I swear one day it will all be gone

it's already almost all gone

and I never really wanted to go there

but comfort and effort for nice things and nice skin

bank accounts and medical plans, I was the only one, everywhere

but the sheer meaness I feel it 'cuz it still spurs

and all the tears I spent on it

little reminders over the years

12 long years

of building something I didn't really believe in

in the end

because it wasn't what it was meant to be

and things aren't always as they seem or as you want them to be

Slowly I won't care anymore

Slowly I won't eat anymore

Slowly I won't itch, cry, breathe, live

So, just fucking let it go, and let it be

- March 20, 2008

In the midst of all this hard work and rain

there is a light and pangs of pain

it comes and goes in waves

and then i remember things like emptiness

and obsession and possession

which scare the living daylights out of me

and i remember it's the freedom i have only

time to gain

- March 03, 2008

wow i'm bitter and angry

the same

things change but some things stay the same

your body doesn't know what to do with the extra proteins

they say

and people are ignorant and trying to be cultured

all day

and is the music reason enough to stay

when i get obliterated 3 times a day

exacted and empty these girls without pay

wow i'm so cold and detached

i hate people

i hate everyone today and yesterday

and i'm fucking sad and exhausted again

today

- February 26, 2008

Still I Swell

in the noisy semi-drunken expression

this rock 'n roll life, no expectation

of children or being a wife

and an agreement was made sort of it seemed

no there is nothing we can do for our parents

at this point

but be ourselves, and be happy and lead our lives

but still i swell

fear there is no real love in this well

cuz you don't love me anymore

and i've hurt you in a million different ways

and this whole boy girl thing

i can't go down it again

causing pain and feeling bad

obligated into loving

so that you will protect me and save me

after sharing

still be in love with me

when clearly you no longer do

- February 17, 2008

All at Once

we sat together in silence

all morning

me and the kid

no, not my kid thank god

but nonetheless suprising myself

today i am an open sore

and sitting quietly never felt better

i am waiting for you to reach inside and grab

all that is there

until there is no more

i love and hate all at once

am proud and scared all at once

and next will come little boy talkative

and we'll probably have to play a game

and my neighbors who think that i've got it made

with love all around

and i do, but know it's not true

no, it's not true

i've got this pain this deep deep pain

that won't be fed and won't go away

it's piercing into my gut

and rising

- February 15, 2008

What's Past

we loved it all of us in our own ways

but now everyone has parted ways

but i guess it's fate or destiny or some conglomeration of both that brought us together

and a sympathetic sadness or sentimental pity that keeps us attached

to the past

many years have passed but no time has passed

god the hours they passed so fast

and luckily or something like that

we've moved past

the judgement and the rules

the madness and the looks of disapproval

the fear oh the fear

leaving everyone only to be stuck with what is

their own truth

which for me was a really good thing

- February 11, 2008

Leather and Tights

Leather and tights

there was no leather and tights last night

there was no smelling of cologne

leather and tights and long long nights

of keeping you by my side

i would if i could you know

all night

long days of saturdays

bedside bemoans me

talk below me

let's get this rock and roll show on the road already

i know you feel me

from here on out

i cannot take care anymore

and i sense danger and sadness and fight

of people feeling lonely and getting the short end of the night

oh well i've got this thing to do

and you know i wanna do this with you

- February 10, 2008

In These Early Days

And her face just vanished disappeared, and I realize

in those early days it was a comfort

taking the edge off his alpha ways

In the early days, of barely a few months ago,

she wore a smile on her cherry red lips

she wore a smile as she crossed her ladylike legs

and I realize it was comfort

A different hairstyle every day she wore and it was a costume of sorts

I guess

for all of a sudden he bore, not complete

a whole in that red dress

I laughed and joked about the walking on the slut path

she laughed in good jest it seemed

we were happy

I wouldn't walk this with with with my other girlfriends I stuttered

but he was tearing a hole in her soul

she was just an image we all had concocted for even he

no longer owned the she we believed

my heart somedays it hurts because I guess I so wanted to believe

in she

but she was just a fleeting sight to be seen

a mere figment of our imagination

lady like femininity walking the streets red cherry

in these early days we go on, as one without she

- February 07, 2008

Comfort

drained and tired as the planets travel backwards

this left brained work can be a lot she says

zapped

luckily you power your right brain she says

relax

and all I want is a drink or a cheeseburger, french fries,

not thinking about powering the right brain

in fact only dreading dreading wanting my bedding

comfort comfort fried calamari

- February 05, 2008

Sundays are Soft and Fleshy

like a baby just woke up no fire in his eyes

there are only a few hours in the day allowed

for soft and fleshy for in the next few hours you must

put on your armour and prepare for the world

fierce and fighting

at least today i no longer feel angst

nor sadness

enveloped by the warmth that the rain brought in

it's going to get quiet without the frivolity of friends

and that is going to be a lonely day

- January 27, 2008

The Ones Who Don't Care

feelings change on a day to day basis finally can't you see

yesterday i saw the grappling

i want to be honest there seems to be a lot of hush hush hush here

but all in good time i'm reassured

and i'm also reminded that he doesn't know what changes are within

what journey i'm about to embark upon

what greatness and possibilities

and i know too many people who only love me when i'm on stage

too many people who prefer me there than anywhere

and then there are the ones who don't care

all i can do is focus on the music, all i can do is focus on these here notes

and let the cards fall where they may sherry baby

- January 26, 2008

Lips Service

no more lip service is promised

no more lips serviced i was promised

sucking down my energy is so easy

don't you think? don't you see

yesterday was emraced in love and lust and legs

today the kingdom of anger lays to rest

lips parted was that a smile i saw

as i gave you the dirty dirty bad news

halfway hoping you'd see it my way

that i no longer feel

i no longer feel

such things

lips and lips and legs and lust and lips and everything else in between

and then together we can walk the earth

immortal

vampire

sucking no longer sucked

sucks for you that your feelings are so deep

sucks for me to have to leave it all behind

- January 23, 2008

The Enchanting Full Moon

the enchanting full moon

happy valentines day to you

you're so beautiful do you know?

I think so much so

But,

I won't fall like I've done before

I won't walk down the path with you like

I might have before

I have love to give, but no

It's super warm today even though there is no

sun in the sky, not a glimmer of light

only rain clouds and darkness

but I can feel your warmth heating through me

But, god I am so sad to say

I cannot fall like I would have done before

I won't walk down the path with you like

I might have before

I have so much love to give to you

trust I want so much so

to give to you

in ways like never before

I made you a beautiful card today

of hearts and crayons and colors everywhere

then I tucked it away

and wrote this poem on the other side

oh romance to give it to you, spread the love

right?

but I won't

too bad so sad,

this also I know

- January 22, 2008

Freedom is a Lonely Road

Something happened on the eve of the year of the pig

and I became unleashed

un-prisoned by the confines of my own mind

Thank god the last 20 years are over

the jail sentence i served myself finally complete

I am finally walking away

from this burial ground

I can feel the soil here trying to suck up my life

if I let it

It's not even the music he brings me

nor the coffee

I'd like to think that it's something in me

that has finally clicked open to reality

Freedom is a lonely road and

I don't want to be afraid to go it alone

sober and alone

- January 21, 2008

The Undoing of Old Strings

telling people too many things

and seeing old friends the undoing of old strings

and pompous jerks who know too much about everything

and have to have the final word the final say

this was my week and luckily not the majority of my day

i know too little about too many things

i don't wanna pretend or front in front of your two front teeth

i had to do it, i tell myself kinda like

getting it out of the way

but it tore me down for years and i have to build myself up today

thanks for the kind words, to my bestest friend

thanks for all the support

you are what keeps me going today

you and the music

you are all i have today

the most important thing today

i gotta throw these old shoes away

i used to love those god damn shoes

it took me so long to undo those strings

but my freedom is not going to be at stake

- January 19, 2008

Art is Beautiful

she went so far away and now her songs get airplay

i smile for her, blessed the soul who's art forever may

be recognized a beautiful day

i must recenter myself i say

fuck the rest i say

and i mean it this time

it's here to stay

i spent another night with your frivolity and drinking

your insults and demeaning

and its their art-less life he says no meaning a void

emptiness

and you gotta hurt those you love those who love you

it's only history i say, a fun one we used to brag about it everyday

to everyone's dismay

the rebellion the raw and wretched we knew everyone days

and stayed up all night with the crazies days

those are over boy and girl

and i love you with all my heart

forever in my soul

embedded in my past

in my long long past

if the art is my path

and your art-less life is pain

then i think i should know the answer

it's so obvious in so many other ways

anyway

can't you see the tears in my eyes, crying for our lost golden days

a day which will never come again

it's history a beautiful and brings me such pain

but kiss the sentiment goodbye

nurturing the art is not in your forte' of money and fame

of hob nobbing with glamour nor

your vocabulary of success and neither is my life my ideals

so tata my friends, toodles i say,

may we see each other on yet another plain,

setting myself free to be me and you to be you

knowing we need it to be this way anyway

not fair to bring pain to one another this way

and so that i may chase yet another

sunny artful day

- January 18, 2008

Do Not Love Us...

until you love yourself

or hold us too tight

if you work so hard to hold us, cage us or snip our wings

do you care that this won't make us happy?

this only suffocates me

don't tell me who to be

or question my reality

nelly says, "i am like a bird

i will only fly away

i don't know where my home is,

I don't know where my soul is,"

you know this about me already

stop trying to box me in

i am not a pet, a baby

an object or something to own

AND

love is not a possession

just let us go

why in love do you want to control?

it's so transparent

your role, your insecurity

know this

you will never own me

we must pity the soul that falls for your gripping steadfast insulting nausea

it's so obvious you love us more than you love yourself

need us to complete you

so sad

holding so tight

afraid to let go

sting said if you love someone

set them free

free free set them free

but your bitterness mean words and biting tongue

will ensure our never return....

2007

El Fin De Semana

This is truly the end. I did, I tried to end this blog a few months ago, but I went back and did a

couple of new entries this month, just like an old addiction, or habits from the past, but the ghost

of a past lingers here that I cannot will back in my life, and does not seem to have any room in

my life now. It's weird how we move on. Without even trying it seems.

I started this blog 18 months ago, perhaps to document the moments of one of the greatest rock

and roll bands of all times, ZE AUTO PARTS or maybe it was to keep the vision and the dream

alive, these diaries stand in faith and testament to one band only: THE MOTHER F'ING

ZEITGEIST AUTO PARTS.

The complete Motor Wilson Band Diaries can be found in my personal collection, an account

named, "Rock and Roll Night From Hell," which I may someday publish, but are so not yet ready

for public consumption.

As Ze Auto Parts has been on indefinite hiatus for some months now, I guess I finally decided to

move on, not that I gave up hope of it ever coming back, I just tired of waiting. I need to play

I'm playing guitar in my new project, currently titled Bad Mother Motor. a bad ass project, with

some kick ass musicians, and some same as before musicians and I'm in this thing for the long

haul.

Motor Wilson Band Diaries may or may not be over, and Ze Auto Parts may or may not be over

but whichever, where ever and when ever, I will continue to write and rock for years to come.

Thanks for reading. Carry on My FRIENDS!!

MUCH LOVE ALWAYS,

Motor Wilson

- October 01, 2007

A Damn Good Rehearsal

For two days, going out of my mind, crazy, within four walls and my mind

till it hit it's peak right before I knew what it was going to do

my heart going crazy, did you smoke enough cigarettes today you crazy lady

"when i used to go out i'd know everyone i saw,

now i go out alone, if i go out at all"

no, i need a drink i say to soothe this madness but really the calm came when from within i

reached for the guitar

plugged it into it's soul, sweating with fear, nauseas with fear until

the loud sounds came crashing down, out of my guitar, out of their guitars, out of our guitars,

heavy like blood gushing, and i knew the words, cuz i wrote them god dammit.

there is nothing that can cure the madness cut the tension like rocking out with a band of heavy

metal musicians heavy metal madness who knew it was in me who knew it'd be who i'd one day

become embrace

who knew it'd fucking save me


So, I'm Writing Here Again

Because I feel honored, and lucky to know. And I don't want to fall into old patterns and the

familiar trap. Now I know, Play music Mou. That is all you can do.


The Suspense is Killing Me

Boys and legs and rain flooding these islands

the suspense is killing me and i'm tired of waiting for tomorrow

which will be here eventually

today, feeling so restless i had to release these words

some callous bitch who dared me to beg, dared me to wish

dared me, oh please,

when it's the dude next door and his sexy sexy hair it's gotta be good

so instead i drink i drink i drink margaritas with the sexy bartender boy

a piranha sister with my little secret potion that makes them all fall

right?

it's really a joke but you know there is a sea of world out there of boys

and men

i reckon i'll see them soon

cuz i wouldn't have it any other way


Official Hiatus

I am taking an official hiatus from writing on this site. I am tired of advertising every thought,

daily dramas, stupid little little problems of band life when the state of affairs in this world are

disheartening, discouraging, devastating. when there is so much suffering in the world.

Humiliation, abuse, corporate evil killing innocent people, animals, wildlife, I just can't bear to

share these thoughts anymore.

LOOK HERE GIRLS: Stop worrying about how your hair looks, how skinny you are, how this

how that and please do something that goes beyond yourself. Stop being so self involved that

you have to get addicted to drugs because you can't stand this world, or yourself. GET OVER

YOURSELF, and go help someone, i don't care if you walk to raise money for AIDS or Breast

Cancer, or if you join the Peace Corps. Do something. stop being so self-involved. stop fishing

for accolades, for adoration, (sometimes art can seem so superficial). create art for others, not

for fame. not for money. Really do it for the greater good. I am so discouraged by the self

absorption of mankind. Get out of your head for once and do something good even if it's just a

smile to your neighbor on the train. Day 1. Day 2 do something bigger.

In search for selfless art and to focus on the real work I do, and to do it better, I am taking an

official hiatus from Motor Wilson Band Diaries, but will continue to write music,lyrics, social

commentary, etc...

Please read on for all the past song entries and chronicles of band life in various form in the city

of angels, Los Angeles. A city which has gripped my soul with fear, burned my heart with hate,

but has allowed me to grow as an artist and a person. I love you Los Angeles.

- July 24, 2007

Some Part of the Journey

and sometimes i wanna walk away, figure it'd be easier that way

since i idnetify your way

not their way

but my soul my soul my soul i say

doesn't look at politics and anatomy and body parts

it feeds on true instinct and knows the road

though my head would like to aruge it too knows

there is a reason for every season

even though it would seem

busy or perhaps preoccupied, even hiding

hybernating? and everyone else seems to know it think it

that this is just part of the journey

and sometimes it hurts to breathe

- July 16, 2007

She's Just Busy

i'm over the wishing well.

the biltmore bravmore hopemore stale

when i'm here because the health of my soul is well

a plane that the lipstick ladies panty parties did not bode me

sure i miss and i envitize and wanna answer every call and be social and

free and sunshine gal, many late nights every night who wouldn't wanna be

everyday laughter and wine outdoor festivals and parties

and the disappointment in your voice that maybe i don't hear

or maybe i do

that i just can't let settle

"she's just busy, she's just busy"

i've had to pick my battles, my priorities

but in the end i'm happy

in the end i'm happy

that i didn't keep going until 7am

that i wasn't fighting the demons at 10am

that i'm not sitting around anxious and confused

needing a glass of wine everynight and a fluctuating social life

she's just busy

and though my existence to you seems a series of arms-length friendships

to me they're more, mean more, you're more, though i don't see you every day

i don't need to and this you know

and sometimes i guess it doesn't settle well with you, you'll settle for seeing every few months

for a blow out party extravaganza, she's just busy you tell yourself, you know i'm still around,

you know i'll always be around

because i reside with my soul

settled in this cove

of course i'm still trying to make it all work

because i identify as something slightly else

- July 16, 2007

My Bed is Made

there is a realization i am coming to perhaps again needing to revist the old dreams, old

relationships, because there was something there

and i have to be there for someone else who didn't allow me to breathe before

"that's nice of you" i'm told when i speak of my plans, my day

and another laughed, he said, "just thinking about what you must have gone through motor." but

unless i feed i don't get to go where i want to go. this is my bed, and maybe there is a balance.

we'll just have to see.

- July 13, 2007

Why this Writer must Create Music

if writing is the art then music is the vessel in which to transport the art. i thrive on the

interaction. writing can be such a lonely activity. through music we can communicate on a more

universal plane. though it is a much harder process indeed. to write a song, when these simple

words come out so easy. just throw a rhythym behind it, and i'm happy.

- July 09, 2007

For Whom it Really Doesn't Matter

another weekend of way too much partying

at least I was with my city girls, all the way from san francisco

y' know tattoed sex toy freaks, where there are no rules. there are no rules to follow so no one

recognizes when you break them, or do something traditional

no one notices no one recognizes no one comments just praises because you are who you are

you do what you do and you recognize sexual freedom whether in action or state of mind. it

really doesn't matter. and i love them for that.

we sat and talked for hours about the years that passed behind us. not knowing what is ahead

of us, but proud for where we've been, what we've done and for recognizing what most do not,

for there are no rules, and the rules really don't matter. i love them this.

and i now today come to acknowledge this different life out here, that often i feel forced to live

because of who i love, trapped by love so often i feel, and even though it's so not me, so not me

to be so love-lee, i'm here and this is how i've been living, sometimes frustrated, but mostly safe

and happy, working so busy. and these words wouldn't come so easily if everything were

perfect and shady. at least these words have come from this to gain.

- July 09, 2007

Inspiration Comes Random

inspiration comes random like Sarah from Marla Hooch who has her paying talent her livelihood

designing buildings, architect, on a shoe string budget, but its her own thing. she plays bass in

the band by night and it brings her joy.

the double job. the day job and the night job is the only way i can and want to exist. for i seek

happiness and to be in my own skin, to do what comes natural to me.

if you don't like it go sit your ass down somewhere and worry about your own self my pretty

for i know what i need to do, and i can't explain it any better to you, and yes, i know it makes me

tired, and i wish there was a different answer, but this is me, this is what i do.

inspiration comes random, between the pages of a society magazine, i read the stories of the

the beatnik, living urban, creating realities based on intellect and idealism, not money. and i

know i must work. i must continue this work by day and by night, two distinct realities, doing

what i can. every spare moment i can i will sleep.

inspiration is no longer a glass of red wine, or endless nights hanging out with the trendy kids,

who all moved here from somewhere, drinking, smoking, filling up time with the social bill.

inspiration comes random and resonates within you for days to come.

- July 07, 2007

Everything is Wrong with Everything that was Perfect Before

if i could have it my way, i'd never step foot in another one of those fany upper-echlons of high

class and short skirted, techno beated, silky straitened hair, french-tip manicured hussied hip

house hollywood dance clubs packed with the corporate tie sausage basket, just as i could

never sit in blonde-bimbo playboy mansion villed, except that we're all suckers for a pretty face,

who is the one you love? he's gyrating on the floor overdosing on pills. it was in the news. that's

not my scene either.

the club scene is where i was born where black lipstick met fishnet met red pumps and sex

pistols, but the club scene changed overnight and all the country farm fed girls got a taste of the

city when they came to hollywood to become a star or famous by association or money, not

where i grew up at all. not at all. and now it's circa 2007. they own the shit. all we have left are a

few measly dive bars in this city, the alcohol drenched dive bars with the tatted bartendress,

that's all that is left.

remember the lipstick lesbians who danced with the drag queens next to the long haired

tattooed rocker boys circa 1988, that's where i would go. that's where i will go. late at night

despite my mother's fright. and take designer drugs by moonlight. high forever. high all night.

who do we have to fuck to get a bed by the window?

- July 06, 2007

Indecisive

feeling so indecisive today what to do

should one continue to drive and drive and drive

or should one merely sit back and enjoy the countryside

is it possible to drive and enjoy, but maybe not when someone else is behind the wheel

and when you wanna be in a different car

with different people

when in actuality that is not even the truth

the people in this car are quite fun indeed

feeling so indecisive today where to go

a million things piled on my plate

and last night a sugar coma ensued

do all 3 you may have time indeed

or just take it easy and wait....

- June 26, 2007

I Love

to spend a quiet afternoon at home, in the shade, in total silence

after the house had been cleaned, and make myself dinner, write a song.

- June 22, 2007

Shifting Gears

and in reverse, but not for this gal and not at this time, unless it's a mere two steps back to go

one step forward.

but during this retrograde it's time to sit and think they say, so they say, which is fine i say

and it's really a matter of time and of money

and it's really a matter of time and of money

and art cannot exist without the latter

art cannot exist unless you can subsist

you need to make money

you need to make a living

how can you make art if you can't feed yourself

that's what my father always says

that's what the fathers always say

and can we incorporate art and humanity while balancing your beauty sleep and spending

money livelihood and livability she cries as she drives on the freeway down the mountainous

stretch, overpass. the sun glaring on her skin arms and face, the greenhouse effect should get

her light on her feet but the other day got her down.

- June 21, 2007

Dead Weight

don't get caught up with dead weight

one that is all three spiritually, physically and mentally sinking

because they will deadpan and hold you back

when you come together for a reason, it can only be art and passion

otherwise there is no reason

people getting greedy, when their limitations really don't match up, and it's painful and away far

but it's even harder when they strike out, it's really truly odd and ungrateful behaviour.

- June 15, 2007

The Latest Destination

in the front yard bits of pieces of cars and furniture strewn,

inside the laughter of people, smoking and drinking, and a microphone

on these barren valley streets, the sun goes down

at the walgreens the high school kids lolly around

theres overflowing garages and many friends, some high density chaos

teen pregnant mothers and working class men

hanging out on the streets into all hours of the night

it looks like a quiet working class suburb but it's really a rock and roll destination

with long hair and half japan, half oakland and out the closet, the rock and roll dream all

subsiding together together

let's go over the hill, or not, where all the pretentions beautiful people dream

here on the other side people live life simple to be simple and never never clean

i've been pulled away from the city and into this wasteland again

but i brought myself back here 100% on purpose, only 7 miles away, knowing it's rock and roll

black smoke cloud is in my bones, and the vast desert space allows our energies to flow.

though seemingly stark and infertile, arid and dry, it's comfort and sun and impoverished cactus

plants on the dried up lawn, motorcycle parts, broken air-conditioners, some picket some

barbed wire, if you try real hard you can smell the methamphetamine in the air, and the scent of

the virgines maria, while you squint at the illegal aliens, scraping food from the bottom of our

plate, mmm vegan mexican miss Leonore, it's all here in the valley of the dolls.

- June 14, 2007

On Being Light and Vague

there is no need to hurt people's feelings when you're feeling this cut-throat

like a dog in a dog eat dog world, since you're a huge opportunist rat anyway right? and up until

now had to lie your way to where you are, being even more light and vague than imaginable.

that was your youth. light and vague. more so than you're willing to now. people thought you

were something else. someone else. maybe you even had yourself fooled. or you were just

taking your time, in no hurry, wise and knowing that this what you needed to do at the time,

where you needed to be, even though it left you so unfulfilled and angry. frustrated. but you took

the steps you needed, the baby steps you needed. for you. i guess people didn't know. and they

walked all over you thinking you weak, when you had a plan all along, a blueprint that would

materialize in it's own time.

finally she says you realize your worth. finally you agree you realize your worth. finally in reality

you know that that's not the case at all, but that now all your time is done, dues and debts paid,

get out of jail after 3 turns on the dice. finally i guess it's time to live your life. free from the prison

you yourself created, for a reason, I say. For a reason, you say.

- June 13, 2007

Followed by a Rough and Long Weekend...

monday night and it's still going strong or smelling fowl of the weekend that splattered into

pieces and back together again

and the holes leave me sad, such a sentimental fool, and the tables turn and the friends come

home, after a long time in the other country

with long hair and unshaven legs, singing of freedom into my ears freedom into my own dirty

unwashed jet black greasy hair

it's funny how when you follow your spirit into your soul, your fellow aura becomes whole, your

world though feeble and scary stands on your solid ground, slightly leaning but not easily broken

from the root. as long as you know, as long as you know. it's all inevitable anyway, but you'll do

what is true, what you have to

the circus clowns, the songs and the semi-fairy tales, all of a sudden making sense, making

sense out of mere pennies and you realize you've dreamt about this a million times, a million

times over, and the night has been so long, the night has been so dark that the tears won't stop

flowing. and you realize that the music still keeps playing.

- June 11, 2007

Presumptious

serially in tune and never missing a step

of course people go there to remind you of when you were not

but still at this age at this point of life it's the only thing i've got

that takes me towards truth and love and life

your best friend worries but it's really all for naught

being gay and loving a man is never as easy as it seems

being straight and loving a woman is even harder i'd assume, although i say just go with it and

live with it love who you wanna love do what you want

but she's gotta come out someday i assume. and we need to guide her in the right direction. but

lesbian bars are not her cup of tea. she is still so lonely. she falls for her superiors. her friends.

she's just gotta come out, i assume, and then i may be wrong. presumptious. all our paths are

not alike.

- June 10, 2007

The Rough and Long Week

they happen upon us like a sick and deadly pms

i guess you don't realize till it's over

the crap and shit you felt and angry words that spewed out of your mouth

all over

the drama of your life when there is no such thing as drama you drama queen

just trying to keep it together, trying to keep it together

when just feeling so ready to toss in the damn towel

and then all of a sudden its over

the sun shines and it's friday

all is hopeful and sleep takes over

- June 08, 2007

Proliteriate

time is such a commodity these days rare and arbitrary

sleep takes up most my nights

and so many people want a piece so many things need a piece deserve more than a piece

a cancellation here and there brings peace

god i hate the drudgery of the 9 to 5 even though it's slowed down

still wanting to take what i need, but somehow always feeling guilty

or afraid

not the evenings indeed for what i choose and what i decide is what will ultimately be

but too much absenteeism can never be good and i tread lightly

my blood boils hot when i think about time

and how i need this proliferation, and the notes keep coming out me

if only nurtured more nourishingly

god dammit its my time. and i want to own it. the day to day is killing me but i guess i'm still

working towards it and i'm not as old and tired as i feel. so keep going. but all the million things

that need me most suffer so dearly.

- June 06, 2007

No More Mr. Nice Guy?

when you are a nice person it seems that people walk all over you

and trying to be tough to be funny, or funnily tough just comes off wrong or unnatural and

perhaps makes people angry. and there is an angry side to all of us, and if you're always nice

then perhaps the angry side is a joke, something people don't think they should tolerate. or

maybe certain people and certain situations bring out the mean ugly side of us, but to generalize

seems so unfair. to pigeon hole that person to that anger to that situation seems unfair. and

does it give the others the right to retaliate?

- June 04, 2007

Oh and the Recording Starts Today

it's into the recording studio we go. off to see the wizard the wonderful wizard of oz. because

because because because because

all these words that have been turned into songs will be turned into digitized numbers measure

into measures of rhythms and beats. to go. so cool. so fun.

and the name is just a marker of where we are today. and no one knows what the future holds.

so easily untold.

- June 03, 2007

Nature is Non-Forgiving

in terms like wonderment and merriment and reticent i lift my head off the pillow

the joke of the dance wish it would settle in my bones but somehow its stuck sifting through the

recesses of my insides somewhere between the esophagus and the belly

how can i find sheer comfort in the natural way of things when nature in and of itself is so nonforgiving.

i'm finding it difficult to believe in the sacrament of the here and now, difficult to wait for the

future which is only shaped by what you do now. afraid of the pocket.

the words of the people ring heavy in my ears not knowing what limited advice and direction

they offer. there words are meant to be helpful. when in reality you know you got here for a

reason. and there is no lie in the truth. but there is perception in the facts. or how they are

deciphered. depicted. and somehow some other way perhaps it could be rewritten. but the

journey is mine. the process is mine to discover and unfold on my own.

- June 03, 2007

Some Songs Fall Off

one a million songs. not all songs are good. most are crap and need to be worked, reworked,

thrown away, pulled back out of the garbage, refurbished and reworked. playing them for an

audience is the true test fo what a song sounds like, feels like and looks like. but then again the

audience has their favorites. everyone has a different favorite perhaps. some songs are good

across the board, and some songs are not so good. if the artist does not like a song themself

they can self fulfill the propehcy onto their audience. the audience will know how the artist feels

about a song. when an artist is passionate about their song it will come through. some songs

just naturally fall off. maybe to be revisited. although some never see the light of day again.

- June 01, 2007

I Quit My Job

stability has flown out the window along with tener cuidado or tread safely. i quit my job. just

walked out a couple fridays ago. didn't even give two weeks. i've just paid too many dues to

suffer this mental health anymore. at the hands of neurotic, nit-pickers. i felt like i was 16 again,

or 26. those were the other times when i just walked out on jobs without so much as a bye. you

know the type where you burn the bridge. that kind. where you can't use them as a reference

and you know it's pretty bad when i don't even give a fuck.

i can't give an answer as to why or how i did it. i just knew i didn't want to go back, and couldn't

bear another 2 weeks. the answer was so simple. right then. and now there are no regrets. to

speak the truth, that job was bad. stressful. neurotic. from day one. who was i kidding? i've been

in the work force for a long time. i know a good job from a shitty one. i guess i liked the people,

who are there still, convincing themselves still that the job is worth it. but i know the truth. it

doesn't have to drain you like that one. plus now i can focus on the things that are important to

me.....

- May 31, 2007

My Mother Already Has That Role

somehow people still mistake me and forget that i'm anti-materialistic, anti-manicured bullshit

anti-mainstreamsociety, anti-hollywoodnamedroppingglamourgalbeauracracybull, and i wonder

why i ever tried to care, believed all scenes are created alike, when they're not, and now i know

because your friendship is meaningless to me and i have no more time for the lies, falseiquities,

or so-called friends who don't get me or who want to change me. i've got my mother already

filling that role.

- May 21, 2007

History and Reverie

so i spent a day and a half just lying around moping around the house or peddling around the

city, visiting different people, and places, and old friends who inspire me and live off the cuff,

who have done things and continue to do things against the grain despite the masses telling

them to do one thing, the same thing, but then instead following their hearts instead of the

other's words. and filling my head with different stories about southern baptist revival singers,

and jazz trumpet players, and classical violinists and old motown r&b singers. and i smell the old

vinyl records, watch their aged hands move and i'm filled with the smallness of my own youth

and a growing reverie for history, and music and those who followed the dark but colorful and

free path before me and i travel down these old roads that take me to places like the bayou or

some island off the coast of new orleans, some brothel in nashville, or some artsy mid-western

bar in chicago with a string quarter, or some lesbian sex shop in hollywood filled with latex and

lube. i reckon how comfortable i feel around musicians and lesbians, and people who nourish

the artist and musician in me, and the anti-corporate in me, anti-9to5 in me, i no longer giving a

shit about so many things except for this anymore. and i remember i don't have any more time

for the frivolity of present day society. with this wink and a wave i say goodbye to ye.

- May 20, 2007

New Names, Old Truths and the Gretsch

for several years I played a mexican made fender stratocaster with 10 gauge ernie ball strings.

your basic metal rock guitar. made for the american. the neck on the fender is much longer and

the frets are further apart. made for bigger hands. made for men who rock. granted it's solid

body gives it a strong and stable sound. it's most definitely for the rock. the traditional rock. don't

get me wrong tradition is good. but now it's time for a change. because earlier this week I saw

maxim's abortion of a guitar a red strat torn apart she would later tell me because she tried to

add a neck or something from some other place and exchanged the original strat body.

whatever. she doesn't play it, it hides under a bed hidden in a case. instead she plays her

gibson-les paul heritage.

so last night, after a week of laboring over a new song, i decided to plug in my german made

gretsch electromatic, a much heavier guitar, into my fender blues deville tube amp. with a

smaller neck and narrower base, this is a guitar that has a hollow body. a more british sound.

fuller. the pedals continue to give it a rock sound, if needed, but like i said we'll see if we need it.

i'll see you when i see you when i see you attitude.

then we rock. maxim and the motor. it's a long and treacherous haul tonight. not every rehearsal

leaves you breathless and amazed. but still smiling and full of passion we render ourselves of

the world that deceives us, belittles us, and wants us to change. and then the brazillian boys

show up, back from the surf that maintains their endless summer. or vice vers. they're the house

guests of maxim but have become our loyal audience. kind and chivalrous. tipping the tow guy

when it should've been my job. but it was late. i was tired. it was dark. damsel in distress.

and difficult it is for the person who loves a musician, unless of course they've been down this

road before, because at some point they must come to the realization that they are competing

for the love, the time and the number one position in the musician's life. as maxim says, "we're

not normal." or rather, "they're the normal people." we have a passion, a drive, something

internal that forces us, pushes us, shoves us and guides us towards the giant entity of music

and creation that takes over our entire mind and being, to the dismay of our lovers. and in many

cases our friends and family too. call it a little voice. call it a strong force. whatever it is not

everyone has it. and not everyone gets it. love us or leave us. we're not going to have time to sit

around and cry about it. sure. we'll feel sad. but given the hand and heart we have already been

dealt, the sadness is just another hardship we must endure in this life. on top of the angry

masses that we call our family and friends, because we just don't have time for them, and they

don't understand, or in some cases maybe even envious or jealous, so they'll put us down, tear

us to shreds with their words. they will try. they will try. to convince that what we do is wrong.

bad. stupid. foolish. unnecessary. because we're trying to do it for fame or money. which is

natural for people to assume we are doing it for external reasons like fame or money, rather

than the internal reasons that drive us, because if they don't have it how can they possibly

understand it, unless of course someone explains it to them. or they are old. and wise. and

understand that eveyone has to live their life.

- May 18, 2007

Fickle is as Fickle Does....

fickle is as fickle does and i'm cleaning out the fickle pickles that linger in my trunk because the

smell is getting stale. i throw 'em out little by little. until today i realized it had all gone bad. long

gone bad.

fickle equals weak-le, falling tumbling in the wind, fickle is a sad state of stinky mess freakle

over your self.

if getting older means getting wiser means appreciating things for what they are

then i have to love live the path set in front of me. unlike fickle which fall prey to false images of

grandeur.

those images and beings that allude leave one hanging on to an empty word a sacred past just

that long gone past while present whizzes by not caring if one is hurt, insecure, meek. not

waiting for your fickle pickle to stickle

then i'm reminded that fickle is inbred in a lickle where living, drinking, laughing, carrying on for

society's sake loses its meaning. for the benefits are no longer reaped unless balanced in a

healthy breath of sunlight that presents itself in safe clean manners. and hours of dedication.

serious strength. and i tell you i've become a hermit and all i will do is create music and you tell

me it's ok, every flower needs a gestation period in order to bloom.

the fickle has finally left the room.

- May 15, 2007

Le' Cottage Par la Plage

in the cottage on a hill by the beach, where pink and red flowers green foliage satisfying the

food chain for the bees and insects line the sandy gravel path to the wooden door of hidden

seclusion of a la maison blanche (the white cottage) past the aluminum kitchen to the opening

where i sit planted to a white couch or a mangled bed, or standing with guitar in hand for hours

and hours at end. we can't explain the madness that is growing around us as Maxim Velour

scurries around hooking up this microphone and that chord. we are finally setting the PA up.

Deciding which mixing board to use, one is for recording, the chaos of finding the cables, the

clips, or a working 9 volt adaptor since the houseguest is a mad organzing-cleaning fiend. "just

put the pedal back in the stash when you're done," she says and I am quite happy with the

different rock sounds coming out of my amp and the re-adjustment of my strap and the new

techniques I've picked up in the last few months.

two hours later with electricity. with a sigh of relief or happines or excitement i swizzle down my

soy latte and bagel with peanut buttre food and music in my stomach easing us into the slow

country road ride of our first song...

- May 14, 2007

The Wrong Impression

I am sorry, but I have given you the wrong impression. Whereas you want to go out and have

drinks and try out a new restaurant or night club, make new friends, be seen, and enjoy life in

general, I have given you the impression that I would like to join you, that somehow I need your

friendship, or want your advice, or that we should even hang out. I have given you the wrong

impressions, because I am either too nice, or I am afraid to put my own needs first because of

guilt, concerned about upsetting you or hurting your feelings because it in return may make my

life harder. Plus, maybe I'm always stock-piling for that rainy day, when I might by accident be

all alone in this world, and unprepared then I need to have people to call right? Even though

most of the time I am a hermit. Do you even know that I am mostly a hermit? So I guess I

engage in a sort of stock piling, even though I don't share the same philosophies as you and

think you to be not-so-smart or ignorant or conservative or not-so-brave. And, I figure I'm just

networking, preparing myself for the day when I decide to become some uptight, career driven,

manicured girl who's gonna need some connections. But, maybe I was also hoping to find

something, an inch of edge even, someone like me. A new friend. But, then upon being being

mostly disappointed I come to further realize you are not even being nice to me in return half the

time, so on top of it all I am getting treated poorly, when i've been kicked out of classier joints,

and because maybe your jealous or envious or you think rightly-so that I am judgmental or

condescending, looking down my nose on you most of the time anyway, god I'm such a bitch

and then I get angry when you blow me off, because clearly you think you are better than me.

it's just stupid idiotic because we're not meant to be friends, so why do we even try. my world is

so different than yours, but that's my point precisely. I don't want to be closed minded and a

reverse hypocrite. So, i let you in, open myself up to our friendships so that at least I have some

friends, despite your suburban, corporate, biblic ways, since my close friends are scattered all

around the world, and are lesbians, while your friends are married with children and the

husbands are accountants. or something that this society probably needs to function but shows

no braveness. no creativity. no passion. no soul. yet, for some reason, i still let you in even

though I am totally and overly disgusted and opposed because you are ultimately what I call

straight poop when I sum it all up, and you associate with straight poop and ultimately live in

fear. and then i know he is right. It's reverse discrimination. i'm guilty as charged. I guess I tried

to hide it, and deny it. But the truth cannot be ignored. I am a reverse discriminator, a

heterophobe. And I only like the bi ones if they are primarily gay. I hate straight bi-curious girls

and boys. Why? I've been racking my brain. And I've determined that it's the strength of gays

and lesbians that I admire. A bravery that most straight girls I've met lack. So, the rest of you,

though, I gave you the impression we were going to be close buddies are just associates,

colleagues, network buddies. We'll stay in touch, but I seriously doubt we'll ever be good

friends.

- May 10, 2007

Seclusion

ultimately i crave seclusion and solitude. not to mention i need the solitude to create. most

artists are like that anyway, preferring solitude, peace and quiet to the excessive drama of

socialization.

- May 08, 2007

Spreading Myself Thin

i'm really good at it. always putting myself in a position where i have to choose. so now i'm here

again.

karen love semanek (aka maxim velour) and I have been writing music on and off for 6 months.

she's a lead guitarist first, as well as a drummer, and as a child she was trained on violin. she's

also an encyclopedia of music. now she's got a recording studio in the works, so she's a

budding engineer and producer too. wearing many hats. and she graciously pours time and

energy into my little songs to make them amazing rock jigs. but for some reason i have not been

100% devoted to my own music. call it insecurity. call it fear. this last week however due to a

last minute gig opportunity i was given, we have been working triple time to hone down the

perfect sound for my 8 songs (plus a couple of hers). they are sounding so much better, fuller,

and hopeful. i'm impressed and excited. i had forgotten how much time and energy it takes to

start a band from scratch. which is what is happening here. i realize that i have forgotten how to

be patient. this impending fear that i'm running out of time.

and whether I was not willing out of fear, and halfway hoping my old band would get over its ego

maniacal hangups and hook back up because it is soooo much work to start over (it will be a

year next month since zeitgeist auto parts went on official hiatus, and two years since we went

on unofficial hiatus), those feelings are now gone daddy gone. the reality of my situation has set

in.

so, when i resurfaced from the haze about two weeks ago, came to my senses that the music is

in my blood, i must seek it out for it won't find me. i sent out my feelers. i reconnected with karen

number one and discovered we're already half way there. and another prospect that landed in

my lap was the opportunity to play rhythm guitar in a female fronted heavy rock band, just be

the guitarist, learn the riffs, show up for rehearsals and shows and get to play out of town. fun.

fun. fun. right? someone else's project, and vision, she does all the work, writes the song, all i

gotta do is show up and play. easy peasy and fun.

now the dillema.

my heart says: be brave. forge ahead. do the project you want to do. believe in yourself.

my head says: there is no harm in having fun, putting your eggs in a couple baskets for now.

getting out there and playing. getting experience and meeting people.

my heart says: true. it would be fun and good experience, but......you can play guitar in anyone's

project,,,

my head then says: but beware of spreading yourself too thin. both projects could suffer. you

could end up putting your own project on the back burner for someone else's project.

i think i've answered my own question.

- May 07, 2007

Frivolity

randomness, i guess i like it but reckon you should only keep the good ones near even when we

share a phone call, an evening, an event but no reactive attachement disorder because what

are you really looking for my dear? sweet revenge? a message that says i don't need you

anymore. grow up that is so childish. so last season.

- May 04, 2007

This Place is Falling Apart Today

the coffee was cold today the roaches are taking over the kitchen, the hallway this week,

probably for a while now. "don't leave your purse on the floor." geez. duh.

there are no paper cups to heat up some coffee in the microwave at least my personal thermal

cup is metal, actually it's Jenae's, but mine for now today, and not microwave nor bomb friendly

but i guess it's time to buy a new one. a ceramic one and the powdered non-dairy creamer i

drink has no cover perfect for ifestation of the mighty nuclear cockraoch. not to mention the

toilets. the toilets are on the brink. all 3 of them? all of them she said. does that mean all 3? i

guess so. they're spraying water on the flush all over the floor. flood. no where to pee anymore.

and Jenae's computer is buzzing off the brink, sounds like it's going to blow. the computer guy

came over "don't die, don't die," i told him i was scared. if it starts blowing sparks we'll run.

before we die. before it dies.

and in his hurt, in between his anger and pain, he insulted my friends this morning. it's an old

pattern i know too well. and i used to take it personally. now i don't take it at all, but think about

running away instead. running away like a preadolescent child. because his anger and pain is

just all so childish and unnecesary. and holds me down, pulls me back. no more i say. no more i

say. but its really not such a big deal. tomorrow it will be forgotten. overall. both of us knowing.

love is a battlefield.

- May 03, 2007

I Kicked a Boy

when the weather's fine, when it's sunny outside

think about the time I kicked a boy 'til he cried

oh, I could've been wrong, but I don't think I was

he was such a child

when I am alone, I remember so well

how merrily I tripped a boy so he fell

and I could've been wrong, but I don't think I was

he was totally wild

and I've been wondering lately

just who's gonna save me

now I have a cold, and no story to tell

and I'd marry you but I'm so unwell

and although I could've been wrong

well I don't think I was

he was totally wild



you just should've been warned

our hysterical child

where'd you learn to do that



you just should've been wise

oh hysterical child

where'd you learn to do that

-the sundays

- April 27, 2007

Things That Break My Heart

some things break my heart and there are not enough hours in the day to tell it

like the time she gave me her teddy bear hug him he's very sad you're leaving

twice two times, then quiet as she walks away, the 6 year old knows way too much her years

are only beginning, but her body has seen everything, too much in it's days

like the blood she thinks is coming, and the adult man she's craving, and the little control she

has over anything over anything

then there's the woman her three children, she's got these visions and illusions and her mother

has forgotten everything thats been written and the father of this woman long dead in his grave

cannot defend the memory though he's turning turning turning. the children are in fear what the

hell is going on? and no one can control the hurricane that's brewing mom has lost her mind

someone please help me and no we won't go so get that through your head

long lost sister who tells me she's still illin, still chillin though she's kicked the evil magic dragon.

that one comes easy for me, she says and i'm supposed to praise her, i don't want to fall asleep

she says i need another fix. trying to get her life on track but of course she's late to class, can't

read music has no money, and i had to get off the phone. because it's the same story 13 years

later. i tell myself i'm not the enabler or the victim. our passion for music and of course our blood

it still ties us together. will always tie us together.

you know there is writing and there is music but somethings as we get older

sentiment and merriment existing and blurring together

i never went to church not even to tie the knot

but today i think it's the day, for these souls, or perhaps my own heart that breaks today i shall

pray

- April 27, 2007

The Mission SF

the san fernando mission and she kneals down to pray

theres something in the water in the well down there today

it's 95F somewhere out here in the desert in the barren valley streets

and the bell rings its noon then the silence breaks

it's millions of people suffer and sacrifice to come here

the long way from central american cobble street mule seats

her long white dress it flows in the wind, she speaks of saint martin

who killed someone or found someones body or did some great thing

like letting Jesus' blood soak his shirt, his tears or sweat or some

masterful feat to accompany sainthood she shrieks when her carnage reaps her of this

brotherhood

the 101 freeway gliding swiftly past these streets, interstate 5 it weaves around

the blood has stained her fingers a memory she hates

and at the bottom of the north hills glaze terracota riffs and windy maze the freedom of los

angeles awaits

her daughter winning winning her passion american film the son she never had fights freedom in

her dreams

she walks home clutching her purse in one hand rosary the other and when the clocks strikes

two she runs for shade.

- April 26, 2007

Drunk

i don't remember what was said today last night

you're worried because i haven't kept up with my duties

my household duties and my hair is unkempt

neglecting my face my nails my waste

er.. my waist

what a waste

i'm worried cuz your so lost in mid sentence as i so clearly answer your question

have you never known something so well within that you can only speak in tongues and riddles

your skin turns pale

the truth is ultimately hard to swallow,

just like your own drunk bile

or shit pile

- April 25, 2007

So Love Me or Leave Me

because from this moment on none of the money career oriented helping profession matters

anymore i don't care and i can think no more, the anger the fury has left me. the rock and roll

has entered me completely, it has taken me. it shakes me and leaves me exhilarated. dizzy. my

limbs feel crazy. i cannot control what i do from this moment on. my brain has ceased to work,

and my mind is off duty. from here on out its heart heart heart. the music is in me.

- April 24, 2007

New Song

well i've finally come to claim my space, finally gonna denounce the last long days

finally gonna finish the book, finally gonna face the truth

danow danow danow

will you respect me in the face i'm in, respect me in the freedom game

danow danow danow

i don't want to follow you with your red hot blood body babay

danow danow danow

- April 22, 2007

Gorgeous Water Bugs

you seen one dirty city you've seen em all he cried that morning in Rome

he just wanted his home

wasn't he so much like that little boy that went crying to mom big rash on his soft face new

orleans bayou water bug i ask, he says he was really young then

he rarely sulks and always manages to make things work by not lifting a finger, but every now

and then he wonders but all answers escape him

she sits in her stylish white sports car tinted windows leather interior, long legs and a frown.

she's gonna be the belle of the ball tonight in her designer everything earrings

though she towers over the girls, she dare not wear heels for the men and she still gets starry

eyed or hollywood mesmerized though there is culture and style somewhere in her mind in

there, it comes out clearly effortlessly somedays, but most days she's looking cookie cutter cute

and getting compliments swinging her hair around this way that way insulting herself fishing for

a compliment because deep down she knows cute is a fleeting time-tested goal with a shelf life,

and she wishes she could change the ways of the world to do her own thing.

you know she's a suburban working girl, married and moved there. no corporate accounts or

anything but on the wagon and off the train, now the bridge and tunnel bi-curious straight girl. no

shots of tequila but some remnants of betty page on her legs and feet still its a shame, because

nice is nice and nice is brave but the lifestyle you choose will end up influencing your mind, your

being. i know it far too well. the cookie cutter suburban will prevail her life. it already has.

even the city girl is on her same page bi-curious and simpleton and like i said nice is nice but i

guess it's not enough to separate you from bessy and missy and messy. even though you say

you're not, you've not yet demonstrated that much braveness

and the mean spirited city girl who started out as a small town girl, more like a sinister child

who's seen everything in her dreams but somehow can't bring herself to open her mind of its

rigidity rigidity her braveness gets washed down with force and it's been mostly envious to me,

but somedays, like today I see past the facade.

still i watch them all strutting their stuff in their different Los Angeles styles the flashy flashy

stylized iconic trend or the limo to the hollywood club or something hip and dirty and agree they

look kinda beautiful in a cookie cutter catalog'd way but cannot help wonder where I went wrong

how did I end up here in the midst of these gorgeous water bugs

- April 20, 2007

Sadness

has taken over

and cannot be shaken, because people and their egos, hurt i guess, and i'm too intuitive and

know exactly what is going on, can so easily read between the lines, but have to do what i have

to do what is best for me and get punished by everyone in the interim. and maybe i'm easily

punished because i'm so transparently needy for these people and they know how to push my

buttons, or maybe it's the opposite and i come across as not needing anyone because people

just try to hold me back anyway and i'm going to do what i need to do anyway, or am i? or do i

cower and feed people what they need? when do i start living for me? and i love our dinners, my

groups of 3, dinner, movies and shopping. i love my dinners with my dearly beloved though we

don't share the same passion for art or beauty and so many other things, but there is a lot of

love. and i need to go to india soon, need to leave this behind, need need need so many things

and mostly i'm just left so so so very empty. and thank you for coming and filling me on my day

of need, but mostly, i guess you feel your done. is it something i'm not doing? am i really that

callous and mean? and i'm going to be soo sad too when i leave, it's always so hard to start

over esp as we grow older. and i don't even mind this 9 to 5 it's beauty and so close to my

home, easy, peezy. and fun. but the new message i'm given is that i will be losing out, losing in

these places and faces. friends that i've made conditional if only i stay. that's the message

today. though you and i both know it's not true, in my case anyway, i make friends to stay. for

life or longer. i do. so afraid of the dark. the quiet. the empty. and i think i know what i have to

do, and i'm just waiting for the right sign or door to open.

- April 19, 2007

Today I Met a Friend....

halfway because she seemed sad

and when i awoke from this nightmare of being unaware and wanting to go but knowing there is

no more

just laying in the sun.

my sister recognized my voice today

and i'm not strong to believe this way

wanting for things everyday.

- April 18, 2007

And Sometimes.....

i eat sunflower seeds by a tree

party with the traveling roadside musicians till i'm weak

be the life of the party then leave

wither away in my room full of tears

run away just to prove i'm free

stir up emotions with a whif of jealousy and envy

let insecurity get the best of me

wonder why they're better friends than me

wonder why i'm feeling empty

work work work until my fingers bleed

get happy cuz it's my prosperity

miss my everyday friends that used to be

near me so that i could see

whenever i felt the need

but they're off pursuing the dreams, their life their love their things

like children i guess you have to let them go

and accept the distance as part of the show

and deep inside like our parents we know

that there is a chance

our past is our past, gone like wind

never to be revisited or seen again

and these days i still mourn those friends

like our parents musta mourned us when we went....

- April 17, 2007

13

Birthdays come in 3s or maybe it's death today 13, the number of the reaper

The final gateway keeper. Someday we'll all get the call

maybe it's today oivey

- April 13, 2007

Homoerectus

erectus homonexus ejectus

the negativity from your life

our birth given right is to be happy

contrary to what they feed you on a platter from day one

in this aquarian age

we all have the right to be happy

and i love thee and being in your place

our place

under our sheets

though most of it ceased to make sense years ago

it makes no sense nor money

but makes me drunk even when sober

and full when empty mostly

but let me tell you for there are days when the other shoe drops and it drops so hard

leaving a gaping hole in my stomach, in my heart wondering where we went wrong why we 're

meant to play this game for so long

and i can't stand myself for hating something that i also love

so afraid of it's ability to sift like sand right through my hands

and my friends a plenty who know the love shortcut all too well,

love for all the wrong reasons, love for love itself is the right reason

falling and slipping under its spell,

rock and roll for the heavy footed fighting fighting with our words

then my teacher will remind us

we have a right to be happy.

- April 12, 2007

Mistaken Identity

break one off and i'm off and running

making this statement or that about this pending singlehood 'n it's glory

and children, like babies, you'll carry one in your womb

and i'm mistaken identity, working my way back

or perhaps into a shell of a being i once was that is now being filled being filled

of guitar strings and throw away wings flying into cliffs of fog

san francisco dreams so far away of a day about 12 years ago

of a red haired girl

singing my way into my mental health my mental wealth and for you who takes all my money

takes all my money i give it to you because i buy your love buy buy buy buy buy love hahaha i

laugh

as if my richness were in my pockets in my bank book holding strong

as if you're getting any part of me that's worth anything at all

the beauty in me is broke broke gold and broke broken into something growing with the days

i'm no longer old like i have been for 5 years, 19 again youth spilling through my ears but i can

see now i can see now i can see me now and you and yours that which is not mine but exists in

my playing field close to me, because i treat it with dignity and kindness and never smother

never bother.

leaving los angeles and jealous. not a matter of time or passion but will not happen this week

nor next but maybe some month down the road i'll get my bearings and i'll perform this song

next to you in your ear and sing and play until my fingers bleed and my heart bleeds and my

lungs bleed and my vocal chords......

un man walks home, slight limp, head heavy for it's been a long day at work, but worth it he

thinks but never smiles ever so slight, walls up so high, and inside awaits his girl.....

- April 09, 2007

Growing Pains...

i can feel them in my hips my lower back

it hurts this much growth

so much pain and angst and suffering

but I refuse to lay down refuse to lay down

and options and oceans be prepared for opportunity

but sit still

hurry up and wait

scary winds that could blow right by

blow right by

or make a sitting duck of a joke of you

if you sit unprepared. stand unprepared.

i don't have time to prep a speech

don't have time to prep a speech

but something tells me the pain in me it seeks

- April 02, 2007

Because You Can

sometimes when i wash my hair the color rinses all out

and i am tired just tired of using the shiner products

to achieve the right color

for it stays wet just so much longer

and there are so many things that are ok here

that are good here

that are going just great here

and just make friends so fast

in the industry here

whether non-profit direct service

your face shines through

but the door has been cracked open and swingin back and forth

so go so go so go

and then come back for your better half

or set it up good here

because you can

- March 18, 2007

America

where am i?

some hippie at least tryin town

middle of the high mountain desert

surrounded by rosy red rubber neckers

some sorta college town

sorta hipster ville

cafe' singer songwriter once lived here

in this land of masses of millions

in little towns blistering down sun

tattooed cholita

short flat builidings cactus trees in gardens

don't provide any shade

wide fuel drenched streets

in my A/C suv cloth seats

how can you live here?

middle america good love it here

as you should

love hot heat hot hot heat

under my flat feet

and people so many people

the more you know the better

in this here new age flipster

college town north of downtown

but its still suburbua

dry desert vast wasteland

America

to me

- March 13, 2007

The Journey

in the art world

plays said band

its members they change

but your core if you had it could stay the same

all i ever wanted was the same

art and details

a life long journey, for mankind

a game of mah-jong in a dingy underground kitchen

in chinatown near columbus, the 30 stockton

yes the members they change

but the core stays the same

but it all falls apart in Los Angeles

where everyone is seeking recognition. searching for fame

no one believes longevity is the way to win the game

make music for musics sake. art. for arts sake

not push push push like this is some Olympic gold medal to be won

members shall leave

throw their hands up in the air when fate doesn't acknowledge their ideals

and not accept people in their jeans. in their genes. blue

all i ever wanted was to wallow in some grassroots

working by day in a dark sallow country with bad sewage

while sitting on the porch with my cigar at night

art

we'd still be together come push come shove

not deterred because the members change

everyday riding the train for humanity

some come some go, but if you believe there should be no question

i guess i knew all along

that this wasn't the scene for me

i won't be pushed nor groomed

for a lifestyle of image and fame

life in the fast lane some industry game

that i refuse to play

that rises and dies

when my journey

is for humanity

- March 09, 2007

Veganism

i stopped eating meat so many years coming coming coming

i drink soy milk and spit out the tobacco sweat jeans

they beat down the people of this country

just like the way they do the animal.s.o.s.o.s

these people need help

with their weight

with their health

just ask Oprah

but it's in their brain the american dream

to consume consume consume everything in sight

and take it for their own

it's really their brain that needs help

and their soul has been lost to the land

the land which is in bad hands

clearly in the wrong hands

i walked through the valleys

smelled the flat lands of Bush-country

as he cried cried cried to me because he can't get out

get out get out

of the Texan badlands

as he ate that chopped chicken salad free of carbs

and i washed down my lentils semolina pasta with vodka vodka vodka

and followed it up with a cigarette even though i cough cough cough

every night

cuz it's the addictions they scoff, thinking me so vain?

why should i give a damn about my lungs

while the baby pigs and cows die the slow wretched American death

and the girls with their manicured manicures

think i do it for my health

- March 08, 2007

Unfortunately

waiting these slow days pass

but i gotta relish

these friends flurry

my fury and annoyance at ignorance

isn't going to go anywhere

unless i change

completely

unfortunately

- March 04, 2007

Where it All Took Place

are you serious?

as she tried to beg her way into the club

because of her looks

she's not even on drugs

is this what my life has become

where my life has come

this tainted ugly city and it's shallow standards

reminding me of that place i grew up

back to the days of high school in a town i never claimed

but where i really grew up and blossomed like a flower

yet learned that i was

still held prisoner in so many ways

by the mentality of the masses

where i just so badly wanted to embrace

where it all took place

although knowing still I am on the right path

doing the right thing

for such little retribution

and no money

cuz it doesn't matter, but it does

but religion it interferes

these people and their views

i really don't approve

and in this city here living quiet

setting the bricks up high to fall

i'm really just done and tired and all of the above

of having to forfeit the me i really love

it's all just passing time for the bricks to continue stacking

like a collector i am of art and books and people

simple minded or closed minded in my closet

let's just all go home

- February 17, 2007

Witnessing Madness

witnessing madness within my mold

not a nice person

and would walk all over a kind soul

when they do nothing but love

working hard to be nice

to relax and chill out

accept yourself as a wild child

occasionally tamed by a sweet smile

but we've all got it in us

and we're all wild in our own ways

some just more blatant than others

some just wanting to prove it more than others

some getting the wild hair more than others

because me still frustrated after all these years

when i have to keep working to prove

because my eyes are wide open

and i need to get on that airplane

wearing the same t-shirt, dusty jeans, leatherboots

long hair a mess, with the locket that no one made

that cost you a million cheese

in the middle of the night

to write this mad little piece of white plight

while i sit in shorts and a robe

sipping wine on a sunday morning

in the los angeles desert rain

nails painted red

starving this ink

- February 11, 2007

Tomorrow a New Day

life is lonely my love and somedays no one comes

some nights your phone won't ring and you children don't call

you sleep alone out on the lawn

thinking your progressive and all

and people think your strange and mean and go on about there business

forgetting about you they're all wrapped up in themselves

like you are my love all lonely and alone

skip the boisterous loud and obnoxious american sandinistas

i will for alone is alright tonight

even though you invite youll constantly and never be right

suckined into your corporate dreams i guess

i can't describe my hopes in my screams

my art and my color and denim and gender

i'll teach and i'll write probably another poem tonight

but words can't describe what I want from this life

sadness and sand both grab and their grip

pulling into a sand castle slip

i'll go for a walk

selling these hips

tomorrow a new day will settle these trips

- February 04, 2007

Beauty

god this week just went by and it just keeps on going

from a planned night of C-, to an impromptu evening that turned into an A+

if only i could sleep all day tomorrow and dream

but the work it keeps calling me like sweat from a ditch i myself dug

a mountain i reached too soon

and i woke sad for her pain

she competes with her friends, and tries to convince herself out of pain

it just gets tiring to hear

to have to be so near low self esteem

its oddly clear now, but glides easier off the wing

her words although about herself digging in

but then i look at all that is

in my arms

and it's so much more beautiful than I ever imagined

i could have ever believed

it's all here right now with me.....

- January 26, 2007

Work, Home and the Church

work work work

i wish i was at home

tucked away under a warm blanket

like her robe away from robe

please don't eat that i say as i stuff my face

hunger has consumed me

tired embraced my days

working day and night forgivness of my soul

for the pain i've caused to one many times fold

consumed by some guilt that is not driven by religion

but fear perhaps of death and an empty stretch of wisdom

there is way too much to do, but it will never go away

just giveth the best that you can and enjoy the birth of day

try to do it bit by bit piece by piece no oppression

and relax relish the moments god giveth and taketh away

for she is now consumed by the dear lord jesus' death

born again into some church of forgiveness and confusion

it's for the faint of hearted and the easily led he says

and with this i must agree

organized religion is the death of any free thinking liberal society

yet still i pray, have faith and please some day set her free

- January 22, 2007

Change

sometimes i wish for a change

in the wind in the weather

though this is my life

in its peaceful in its zone

but when this living

enlivens chaos i freak

know it will pass and be consumed by the calm

sometimes i wish for a death or a birth

for this is life and this too shall grow change die

i can only count on the change

but this is my life these are the people functioning together

we've all got to make it work

- January 19, 2007

Guitar Song

hostile he grabs and tells me not to play

sneaky she hides behind her percussion and drums

guitar slipping drug world

heroin in your veins

together we walk to the beauty of the beat

it's like this disease we constantly glide

like swiftly on a cloud or a feather

guitar stringed heroine

superwomanstar

ladies of the night strapped in to the light

heavy sexy pick me up

a little to the left

she misses ever so slightly

there's really nothing out west

just more desert and more wind and lots and lots of pain

emptiness and dry wind and it never ever rains

with her guitar in hand she sings to me

another silly song

i close my ears and shutter

but even i have gone away

i'm somewhere back there on the road

somewhere i fell off

this ride and this truck of life

i brush the dust from my brow and look upon her windsheild

we sang the same damn song for a whole week

in some foreign where they only spoke arabic

or french

and i never cried until she died

hollow hole in her arm

i never cried until she stuck the needle

too far gone

i never cried that day she died

strangled by her guitar string

i never cried until she cried

and sang that damn silly song

- January 18, 2007

Sullenly

rock harder than you ever did

like in these ambien sex dreams

wishful thinking

trying to hold it all together

who cares what dr. seuss said

how can it possibly apply to your life when

you are constantly looking for approval

and in your glasses you study about sex

listening to Pink Floyd

toungue-tied and twisted

concerned about how you look

eating close to nothing

but the Saga continues, as it only can

because you are trying so hard

to maintain the harmony in your life

so you can fly, you work so hard to fly

because you believe one day you will

and because appearance is important

and your sucked in

when you feel this is right, on certain levels

but wrong when you've sullenly stopped living

2006

The Clock Strikes 12

like mice we travel in packs

10 , 20, 30 of us at a time

drinking well into the night

no stranger to the life

but at the magic hour

before the clock strikes 11

the mind starts to trick

in like a thunder storm

the desire an abandon

all rational thinking

no voice of reason in the vicinity

overcomes and pulls pulls pulls

flooded by the juice

let go of this world

this industrious, productive, illustruous

sunlight, daylight all could be gone in a flash

your life can change in a minute if you want it to

everything you work for

let it go like a drop in the bucket

then it clicks in as the clock strikes 12

this childish chase for a few minutes of bipolar bliss

ecstatic manic mania

her words coming at you like a dead weight

just a few minutes ago

for a whole damn hour

creating chaos in the young who can't understand

in lives that don't crave it

thank god for them

for

all of a sudden waken by another voice

the reason is in

because the mice are wise

by far and beyond

when the clock strikes 12

knowing the end must be near

no matter how much we wish

we could

revisit our youth

just one more time

just one more night

watching daylight

but alas we know

the pleasure is for naught

we've learned from our mistakes

and it's not the pretty anymore

when the clock strikes 12

we know

its almost time to go home

at least start winding down not up

she says

and the clock strikes 12 in my head

a few more hours of social smiles

talks and wine

a night cap indeed

keep the glamour alive

the mice scurry home before the clock strikes 3

and will sleep in bliss

in a dream of clouded flurry

and wake to a new day

- December 31, 2006

Anxiety

having these dreams of return this devolver

revolver

still the wounds are fresh

but sadness flows with ease

where once it was tainted with fear

anxiety and unrest

and the calls between the whispers

encrypted messages

that suggest that we all believe there is hope

all or maybe just 2

how did we let someone suck us so far away from our dream

when we're strong and diligent and forthright

our one fault is that we believed

in persons who perhaps led us on

there i go again

back into that head

the space of the mass

the ego of the band

where if we sit stuck

we'll never find the courage to move on

let go of the past

that wounded the soul

that masked our pain

that sank all of our hopes

and saw to our demise

we shouldn't let this be

sitting empty

like forever misty

- December 15, 2006

Soy Demasiado Viejo

estudio, estudiaste estudiamos

mi amor

y cuando su tarjeta encanta?

y cuando llorar en sus manos?

yo dijiste nada mucho

cuando el extremo de la lluvia

a ningún miedo del final i

esto sofocará a nuestros fosos

soy ya cansado del dios de estas caras,

i tan intolerante de ignorancia

las muchachas tontas

que hacen preguntas estúpidas

tienen creencia joven encajada y coja tienen

i crecidas tanto que soy cansado de la juventud y de su represión

o soy yo acabo de cansarse de derecho poop

- December 11, 2006

Flower

hung up on last nights weather

there are good things in every air

in the big picture

but sometimes we get caught in the ventilator

focused on our moles

on our blemishes

confused to our core

i feel far removed from my old friends

from a time unknown a world depleted from memory

do you remember the day

you laughed at my dreams

as i write songs on my guitar meant for another place

together i forged with ones that believed

leaving the weeping behind

though it melted into my bones

swimming in my blood stream

like precious drops of gold

meant to take me back to days of old

i've treated so wrong, the world that did me tough

i've treated so bad, the world that laughed when I fell

now i smile and suggest i'm a flower

new people float in and out thinking of me sweet

innocent, kind,

until they meet my calloused soul

- December 09, 2006

Socially Awkward

Late nights liquor rock and roll blues

takes a toll on the body soul and system

we sleep so few dark days in arms of this stranger

who becomes quite so near

I remind myself the blurry lacerations on my eyelids

represent the risks I take

in life

to go places I might not have seen

otherwise

It's not for everyone or the faint of hearted

who sit around and beg for safety

watching these little ones behind the desks of sterility

reading somewhat so they stay in the know

vicarious voyeurs

But in the do, is the risktaker, who can't sit still

or the methodical be-er planning and preparing

you gotta be out there my sister

do upon do, be upon being

let not the fear grab hold let your ankles be free

like dating online, when it's really not so hard to meet people

- December 07, 2006

Common-Place

Trying to squelch the desire

the jealousy and worry, my fear and envy

that bubble up in my throat

when I look in your mirrors

you're too cool and annoyingly so

i think ye try too hard

sometimes glamourous sometimes yellow

i know the real you doth afraid too much

your name in lights like your drug

an escape from reality

but i guess i've got some old ways

old arrogance and conceit

i hate bubble game and the color pink

and i think you're too old

to be playing this game

to be craving this much

and you think if you change your name

live the unplain, above the strip

you can run away and forget all the pain

this world doth sustain day to day

i guess i try and avoid because i'm easily swayed

even though i know my face, my place, my ways

that child inside that fears

being left behind, forgotten, overlooked

when its common-place

with books and brains we'd better off

and win this race

that the end of the world will soon erase

- November 30, 2006

Tires

figure this thin

let nothing else in

tired long days

spent in fin

fin del sol

of the jack of all trades

cowboy this way

the west road

is now silent and cold

musty and mold

fog sitting untold

sadness and tears unfold

my best friend its been

no anger bin frin

wicked holding it in

- November 29, 2006

Careless

i can't help this feeling of selfish

and bored of these people

just wanting this silence

just wanting this music

lullaby

as i float in my own ethanol

wanting my own bliss

for this first time ever

my head, my hair, my own lipstick

and fashion

it takes over

i know you think i should call you

and i'm wondering why i no longer do

in my head to i think i should too

but i don't

and i don't care

i don't care if you just fade off into the distance

if your hair just falls off your head

and my jesters

puppets hanging from the rafters

i could care less about your time

your boring bonding that needs me

that wonders where i go when i am gone

your boring bonding that needs life

that assumes i need it too

and assumes i am not living up to you

i could care less about you

take a risk but take the right ones

for the wrong ones are your ego telling you

to ignore the truth

and that is just plain stupid

- November 28, 2006

My Phone Rings Endless

short blonde bus driver

tuckered out for the night

my eyes slithered twithered

and i fell asleep early

while gangs of old stayed up all night dancing

at the club on drugs

i can't bring myself to pull the skin back on

the old life geez it calls me

but the new life begs me not to go

while my phone rings endless

there is no space and i look down

feeling reverent and above ground

digging in with both hands and feet my journey

in these tips

so into outer space i've floated

still softened by your accpetance

you want me around

but i'm boring

in my own world

in my own head

full of my own self

i can't bring myself to pull the skin back on

it sloughed and sloughed and finally fell off

but still my phone rings endless

and i must sit back and think

- November 27, 2006

Out Loud Out Spoken Out Done

there are some tenets

which cannot be spoken

motor wilson will rise to the occasion

the spokes of this sonnet

ungreased unridden

the days of old coming to a close

with reverence and a smile i say thank you to thee

the words will be new towards some other ending

still keep this page open for access to see

a new word one day incase soliloquy

no longer living in the shadows of fear

no longer hiding from this one or that one

my dear

sleep will come whenever its needed,

if it keeps you up at night so let it be

i'm not saying happiness with always prevail

but widom and knowledge and patience will

keep the spokes turning churning at a steady pace

explore the new places that excite and revive

with your style

we think it's nice

and your smile

will intice

- November 12, 2006

Millenium Phenomenon

hidden people on blocked web pages

we broadcast our lives like this

where's the privacy gone

where's the mystery gone

we get to know these strange faces

kind of like riding the train in the vast desert

looking down at the Weekly Times

headphones plugged tight

no communication but the glance over the shoulder

holding fast to the rail as we are sped away to our destination

in the big city our office our cubicle wherever

where we log on steadfast

is this where you'd rather meet miss-she's-the-one-i-wanna-spend-the-rest-of-my-life with

or are you looking for an overnight success story to reinvent your own

self-promotion if you've got something to promote or in that sort of business

just staying in contact with friends who's connection long gone

the final thread that superficially says

these are my roots

so simply done

with a few clicks of a mouse

and some words

words that women are known for blabber they call it

because they'r threatened by the knowledge

visual pictures but you're more than just a pretty face

right?

or perhaps you don't really care to be

and your existence is all here in one shape

2 dimensional myspace

- November 08, 2006

Overrated

i've got this wing growing out of the side of my back

half of it's covered in fleece

in the midnights twin race

like the indiana 5000

women starve themselves to be thin

and tell me i mustn't get hungry

but this has what has caused the druggin my sister

this anorexic mentality

a mother misled in life

punishing her children for living

a life they did not ask for

subtle messages strewn all over their bedrooms

do this for me do this for me

no one cares about you

i brought you into this world

now let me kill you

and the brave grandmother smoking her maneshewitz

wind walter smoking jungle

tells her grandchildren to stand tall

fuck the man that gathers

there isn't much to it

and silence is overrated

but more valuable than your cheap words sassafras

keep on licking your lips for some smart

cheap boy tries to sell you a story so compelling

you lose your identity

it's not worth it to have your heels dragged through the grass

for love makes them all blathering idiots

we don't need mama to learn us that

still we hang on like its the only thing that matters

dirt and jeans go play in the meadow

don't come home for dinner

this time together is overrated

stop being such a sensitive idiot

- November 07, 2006

Crossing

still confused about the same thing

several years running

there is a reason i'm here

i tell myself

a reason to wait and accept the pain

but the punishment appears to be never-ending

am i learning my lesson, and growing

or growing despondent

wanting to hear the explanations

over and over

why am i hiding again?

still the same thing

is there a way for my polarities to exist

together in one plain

because i know they cause people pain

its hard to put your eggs in my basket

when i fluctuate from extreme to extreme

in minutes of time

but in the greater scheme of things

it's not bad

and i'm ok

wondering how these things can crossover someday

- November 06, 2006

Retrograde

it seems as though the matter is confused misconbobulated fiddle faddled mixed up and you'r

just angry

that its not you with the wayward ways upset that you cannot accept because you want to be

like me but maybe it's just not in you

and that should be ok.

i don't know if i'm just not getting old yet, or if its the way it will always be and if the former is true

than should i be angry? and if the latter is true should i be scared? and if neither is true than

who am i and what is really going on? should i sit down, sit still, and relax? that is not the way i

imagined it, nor expected it to be. but maybe thats the natural course i want it to be.

wait until mercury goes strait into the veins

and then break out into an allergic reaction

if i'm still crossing this road, have i chosen the wrong path? or am i just waiting for the light to

turn green?

- November 05, 2006

My Glove

i carry this love like

a glove that is stretched out

worn in leather

so comfortable a perfect fit

for some reason i struggle

sometimes it confines me

and i wish to tear this glove

throw it's worn out threads

into the trash

sick of the gaping hole in the pointer finger

so i cut off all the fingers

and i got the glove re-stitched

now this glove fit so much better

the leather refinished

but in time the old stains shown through

the stretch out inevitable

more holes new in places we never knew

so i cut off the wrists

and i had them dyed, a new color

gave them some embelleshiments

pearls and gems bedazzler

like my earings

then they became so gaudy

i tore them off once again

i set them aside

knowing my love for the glove

and will revisit them when it becomes winter again

but in the meantime i walk my days alone

in despair wishing the glove was with me

there, everywhere i go in my dreams

my life my love

i know the sadness that ensues

when my glove is ripped away

- November 04, 2006

Graves

i've fallen in these holes and i can't get out

i know there is a move but it must wait

it's truly just not going to sew itself back up is it

keeps coming apart at the seams

i guess i've got to start deliberating

setting the sights toward some new vision

no one is happy this way

and i'm a dead wilted weed

that waited for some flower to bloom

but swallowed by drear and gloom

the sunlight never shone

and my leaves browned

expecting and then shot down

you're living for wheels and meals

and i'm begging for some room

to spread this callousled wings

now frozen in time

gliding down to the earth

diving into the ground

and these extremeties must go away

eventually

no one waits for you anyway

living lies why should i even expect them

to

driving my soul deep into the mud

swallowed by the dirt

- November 02, 2006

Your Judges

spiraling upwards out of this mess

tears came today

this journey finally under way

and by dim light we rock writing rhythms and songs

in the backroom of some santa monica cottage

rolling back the shades and drinking wine

we let the creativity flow

for the expression of some lesson

some divine intervention

and songs that give off the impression

that we're hardened by life

but sweetness endures even in the most aged

the lights too bright on forced stages

and girls trying to be so nice

not remembering the judges

that tried to hold me back

although i guess it was my weakness that

was penetrated

smile, be nice, cordial and quite

wise without too many words that

suggest omnipotence

and impotence

coupled with pretense

your judges stifled such things

that my memory cannot erase

my reactions may not change

going forward

so though, its your way

and may not be your fault

your being thwarts growth

and barrens gardens

- November 01, 2006

Writing Working Industry

the rapist by day trying to get it going

many years in preparation for a

brainy career

art tist by night in my room

smoking away

writing for days

poetry words and letter

to myself about god knows who

for the universe

guitar and pen

tools like friend

no time for a social life

or many of those ends

planning to contact these people again

but just to say hi

keep the lines open

but really doing other things not crazy to be

- October 30, 2006

Easier Said than Done

no obligation in the things we do

you'd rather die than fraternize

tonight

sell out, stuffy pants, ultra hip family clan

pretention and format, the token fill-in-the-blank

california liberal right winged city folk

artsy and pretending to be free

it's not in you but at least you've got the right idea

and i falter way too much

and forget and start to do things

out of blind obligation

and assumption

wanting them oblivious to their slight offering

giving way too much

and getting little in return

it's kind of become my way

but you remind me there's better things for me

and i should stand proud and believe

in the things that are within me

such things i do weakly continuously

deep down knowing it's in me

and that you are right

live honestly and peacfully

truthfully and give to those when

it fulfills

stop caring about what others think

easier often said than done

and appreciate everything else in me

it's a process

i thank you for helping me

cause i'm a lost soul ready to be freed

- October 29, 2006

I Get My Glory in these Restless Days

the lights all are off

windows wide open

the winter air crisp and clean

wafting onto my legs

i need to study for this life

i need to make room for more knowledge

i need to dispell this love onto a more

static carnage

snores drift through the open space

i dare wake this sacred grace

i hit my coffee with my eager face

i get my glory in these restless days

the response of an old love

a teenage romance fling

of which an admirer of mine perhaps

but never gave me the time of day

i'm always far removed

like i belong on another planet

i wanted to be with you

but fear replaced me near

and friends in the late hour

stop by while i'm in my robe

smoking myself to death

eating cheese & wine by breath

talking of their pains

comfort in the shame we do

all of us together

even in the dead of night

i'm going to leave the house today

i'm going to make an effort today

the darkness of the days to come

settle in my bones

- October 26, 2006

The Victorian Castle We Call Home

nerves today

nervous like a buttercup floating away

not sure why or whats to become

unsure of how to undo whats been done

figuring i can only rest assured

that the light will guide my way home

in the middle of the night

after i've followed all you night owls home

expecting warmth and love

only to wake up cold at your blue tv's feet

tired and defeat

stumbling home the walk of shame

as i give the old lady my last dime

the last nickel to my name

go home to my castle

where the shades are drawn

and sit down at my long table

and eat toast by my fireplace

cold dark hallways leading to empty rooms

with ghosts and nervous wakenings

happening under chandeliers shaking

the california faults breaking

the victorian castle i call home

windows shatter at sound of voices

that no longer matter

the refrigerator humming stops

the blood from the bowels of my goblet drop

the velvet rope on my robe knot

frazzled mess of a hair mop

wake up from this nightmare fraught with screams

run up the winding stairs to the white wind

i call my room

freezing breeze of dead leaves flow

solitude of my words caught

in a aching fire somewhere in my brain

i can't help but imagine where i should be

but in this victorian castle we call home

- October 25, 2006

Teaching Wisdoms Inner Pull

swivel swirls and ergonomic uber

words that suppose work and wonder

how do you get to climb the corporate ladder

in your short dress and 4 hour cocktail lunches

chanel hair clip and prada sandals

when you don't have a work-a-holic bone to speak of?

ok, perhaps somewhere you've snuck by

shortcut queen calling yourself some sort of martyr

strait-a-student or world traveler

with so little integrity to speak of

make it rich make it rich the motto of today

so proud of yourself

and he follows you as the goddess, a puppy with no home

while i travel through streets of poverty, guns and warfare

wondering how i can convince her to stay in school

stay off drugs and gangs

and out of motherhood

wretched, strangling, all encompassing motherhood

the fear of becoming the pitied overwhelmed sad mother

age 16

my livelihood

and art and creation, independent film study for 15 years

playing music and drawing, cutting out pictures from magazines

with 10 year olds and sticking them on with glue

liberal arts and advocacy and humanitarian integrity

teaching wisdoms inner pull

make it rich a fleeting wish

he once did follow me

i shut my door on him

more than once

because i am the biggest judge of them all

expecting honor and righteous ness

and color and wisdom

to garden my life

arrogant and conceited

full of ideals and abstract rules

show me your wisdom

or i can't fathom our friendship

for too long

Evil

I may appear

BUT like confuscious was

who unlike jesus felt that arrogance

was necessary to fight the fools-a-plenty

accepting one and all like jesus

is not our way

for how can you be any good

when people are raping and pilaging you?

- October 24, 2006

A Feeble Mess

why because i dream

midnight mid-stream

and i age a little every day

recognize i can only do for myself

now what i did with you

for you

all those years

because at first it was so fun

and i was ready i was young

but in time you took control

took advantage took hold

and i followed gave in

gave what you needed to feed you

kept you going strong, partially for me

when indeed i was right

you said it yourself

you couldn't do it on your own

but you took it as a message to rely

to expect such things

knowing i'd pull you along

expectinging i'd beg you plead with you

needing me to pull you out of your bouts floundering misery

well, thats not my style

maybe i gave you that impression

my sometimes fear my neediness inability to do it alone

when i was always there ready and willing

wanting you to drive me too

believing in togetherness we do

not knowing we'd move mountains

the power of two

but in the end i knew

i wasn't in this for you you you

there had to be something for me

and damn i've paid my dues with you

money, time, me always going to you

in your space, doing it your way, your pace

waiting for you, running for you

being sharp on my toes always for you

and now that hard work will be spent on me

only me

because you took it away from me

you still try and

i don't blame you

for i've blugeouned you

allowed to fester what was natural for you

but you still in the few minutes i give you

or try to take

manage to steal control pilfer onto you

reminding that your judging

expecting it to shift my views

reverse the direction i will go

god, you must think i'm weak

or hope

it wasn't weakness that you experienced with me my friend

it was determination and compromise

for the good and the better of much bigger things

and you must think i don't judge

your sickly ways

so unattractive

i have no desire to be near anymore

and you try to control

with what little control you have of your life

mine

god, it's so manipulative

but i know you only want what is best for you

trying to find it in a crazy scary world

and it's sad to see you a feeble mess

lost and confused

but geez you have no clue

and one day i hope you will see

the world will not wait for you

- October 22, 2006

Supporters Don't Lead

in my dream last night

the 3 came to me

angry as can be annoyed

at this beauracracy

then one asks me about mine

something i wrote

wake up this morning to reality

how one is removed

and i who has tired of retribution

grab it and run own up and take charge

it was yours

we were supporters

and now we will run and take charge of what is ours

instead filling your days with drinks and late hours

is there anything solid

mingling with fellow ex-cohorts

as though their aquaintance can replace the hard work

or perhaps still looking for that someone who will

coddle you hold your hand and join your debauchary

consumed art

i hope that prince comes for you

- October 20, 2006

Things Are Not as They Appear

in meditation today

something about the 10/17 and the 10:17

and the 17 hours

not really sure what it means

some sort of release realize who your being

your being something real

it's all too beautiful to conceive

this spirtual revealing

but for 17 hours today till the clock

strikes 1:17am look into your soul

and be

is this what happens today

is this what it means

lots of endings and some beginnings

for me

i hurt many today in a simple this is life sort of way

letting them know, that i'm leaving in a few days

the last long several years stuck in the same space

3 years is my cap. i am realizing my dear

up to 3 years, till i hit the ceiling

i will put up with what i believe to be necessary

for my resume or checklist

for these notches on my belt, my nightstand, my head rest

and pounce on the next unsuspecting suspect

but i'm so loving, to your bewilderment

you can't help but grab on for fear of what will replace me

when i'm gone

it's natural

it's part of life

this loss

and i hurt people with my honesty, my subtle words that come out

cuz i can't keep it in, and i reap the percussions of hurdling at your soul

your eyes disillusioned, because i wasn't honest before

or perhaps i didn't disclose

thus, I led you to believe that things were 100% good

or the way they seemed

and you get off the phone so abruptly

caution in your voice

fear and sadness

and anger

for me so innocent and sweet

throwing a thorn threw your satchel

in the middle of your day when you've got a million other things on your mind

and you notice i've called, or expectingly wait, my laughter on the other end, life

only to hear

things are not as they appear

and the end is all too near

or visible not what you thought you knew

and tonight you have to reshape your world

resolve your old views

because you think too much about other people

and what they should be, and how they should do

when in reality its all your image and ideal

that no one else can

ever live up to

it's all on you

in your head

you

tonight you will rework in your dreams

and find someone new to grab on to

- October 17, 2006

This is Not a 9 to 5 Job

specific worlds we need to target

want to start a business

who's got the looks who's got the brains

who wants to make lots of money

advertised in our face

smooth and easy i wanna flow

creation in nature whats natural

when you start to take charge of your own destiny

strange things begin to happen

like peace and quiet and inner solitude

restful nights and self gratitude

no one to give us deadlines anymore

this is not a 9 to 5 job

this is our livelihood

and it's amazing how smooth the words flow

out onto ether strums of your guitar

although its hard work

it becomes much easier when there is no message

of stress of pressure of mess

and you've chosen this world of self gratitude and hard work

away from the liberal town of freedom

and rest

and halt

though you get to keep moving

and see the fruits

remember who gets to feel the efforts of your labor

in the end they need it more

- October 17, 2006

These Rules Can't Confine Me

people are afraid

homophobic and in the closet

still after all the years of educating

i have returned to this place

of ignorance and mighty mighty jesus

lord is king bible belt bliss

she is still afraid

hiding in her closet

behind words that represent

heteroism but in the form of suggestion

i'm not that way must be where she was raised

some corn field middle of america

but she's been in LA for 10 years, i scream

at the top of my best party dress with lipstick

smeared on my white pleather belt thick chains

meant to represent that i despse development

i'm anti-system, even still at this age

wondering, how can i get them to change their views

but haven't they given in

gone to Target and Starbucks, all in one day

it's cheaper that way to support the masses

when the middle class is as broke as ever

and the farms are no longer a commune of freedom

where can we go?

excited and sad hiding out in the dark

your silence still equals death

20 years running

and i've been open and out for 18 years now

letting people know

their rules can't confine me

to my family's dismay

it's not fair to be this alone

but it's brave

'cuz people are afraid

- October 15, 2006

What’s the Point in Hiding Anymore

open book, lay your pages open

your heart be read

whats the point in hiding anymore

when you've got to be you

for you

at any cost

let the anger be within them

let them learn

they must accept you

these are the words that i preach

that i speak

that i believe

so true liberate your soul

surrender your honesty and let your life roll

down the path it needs to go

on its own

stop guiding it trying to control

it will find its way

- October 13, 2006

As I Pack My Bags

a faucet is dripping water

meditate

things are changing too fast

but not fast enough

as i pack my bags

thinking about this long journey ahead of me

a new country

a new world

i still feel the illness inside me

trying to find ways to pester me

as it slowly exits my body

and i keep you in mind

people who need guidance

in my dreams you visit

as a reminder

to forgive you

for one day the light will guide you too

as i pack my bags

to leave this country

no big goodbyes

for i will most surely be back

if not in this life

in some form

to the place that was once a home

a semblance of a home

for home is within us

inside us

for so long

- October 12, 2006

For a God Damn Reason Child

i leave so fast but long

for these things called past

but when the time comes

feels so easy to just throw it all away

out the window

and run run run so far away

always remembering the way it was

begging myself to go back

but knowing i have come too far

for a god damn reason child

too late to go back

and you didn't want it anyway

and the others didn't want me to want it

either

anyway

sad when i left but brought me down

to toughen me perhaps

see if i can hack it

take the heat of crazy worlds i sought

cuz i'm an explorer, a traveler

but when the heat became too hot

like when the going got rough

i had no problem rolling

down the winding road

letting you know i would only be around for your honey

no vinegar for this free spirited soul

no vinegar to contaminate my fragile sensitive soul

that has no real place to go that flows in between

rocks and leaves when it empties into the river

you can't catch

like a fish in water i swim steadily

away from stagnant streams dried out

- October 10, 2006

The Fairy

somewhere on the corner of some streets

crossroads that have now become trendy

19th st, lexington, s. van ness

i remember your red lips, red hair, black boots

piercings holding your face together

i thought you were beauty

queen as the sun shone down on victorian

rooftops, velvetten rabbit smoke

of a hookah

as i walked to work as the waitress

of some seedy shady kitchen

in black and white

meet me at midnight under the street lights

some queer punk rock band, we forget who we

were, where we came from, as children

on our old fashioned bikes

you told me not to ride so late

all the way to you

but the other women do it

we knew

it was somehow safe in dyke-ville

gender twisted, dangerous drug-ville

with my lids heavy with eyeliner

castor oil in our hair

we liked it greasy

all of a sudden dating people we would never really know

in the straight world, the other world, a country out there

separated from reality and existence and a world

i still crave, god-damn

it's freedom massive mad freedom

removal from childhood

repressive depressive childhood

womanhood freed out there

in those mission streets

women in mens trousers and tightie-whities stuffed with socks

drawing on mustache is only an image

unreal but so real

not how we lived but what wasn't too far-fetched from that reality

don't mock your song about some girl

you silly little

simpleton vaude-villean

because its so liberating you could only be so lucky

and although i am the only one of us who knew

you with your boys pulling me llike glue

hanging on to that country

sweet twang betty in her black boots

it's soooo true

i couldn't put two-and-two

but it wasn't the same and i didn't always follow you

though fearful, afraid to let go now

it would be too far to go with you

down a tunnel of a forced destiny

when i wanna wear my glasses and write poetry thats beautiful

and drink wine from a goblet

in my victorian gown and button down gloves

- October 07, 2006

Stolen Hot Goods and Bananas

Yesterday I gave Bindu my slut shoes

Today I really heard white boots

"I'm a man god-damn"

Damn we're a good band

- October 06, 2006

My Circus of Madness

music words winces my glory

but after the dark always comes a better place

the nerves of a future day

when i am ready

need singers and players

to join my circus of madness

hired guns

or will they be part of my band

if i'm good

they will want to stay

but i just have to believe they may be good

no ragged drug slingers

gun slingers

i can't mess up the show

for i will be good

i will persevere

and the music will take control

driving us down down down

the path of no return

- October 05, 2006

I Will Lead Your Ass Out of Hell

i carry your weight

i lead the weak

only to make them angry

feel less feel meek

when in reality it is me they feed

me they've freed

from the tattered claws of walking alone

come with me on this journey

brave storm

the weathers with me

together we feed the birds of our intestines

each other

but someday you will choose to walk alone

and i feel light

but it takes so long to replace and repair

fill the empty void that is there

but you make it easy with your reminders

that your carry is of a different share

i guess i should look at that too

but i can't help feeling it's unbalanced

and that is not my way

so i've gone to another coast

given you the road of most

while i eat out of plates so empty

i'm tired today

can't seem to muster up the fever today

but i will lead you out of their hell

and introduce them to a life of well

better ways to unstrap your wings

but i will not find you anymore

i will not convince you anymore

if you want me as your guide

you can look me up yourself

- October 04, 2006

Just Another Idea

east of the mississippi

somewhere off the coast of maine

orphaned children living thy name

the path of danger vengeance distrust

all for the man that wants your trust

funding your adventures

through your death comes so close

i think you will be thy first

door to door

by car and by train

they come to your rescue only to dump you

in someone else's vein

though i may not remember or do it for days

i'm on a lengthy mission

these things do not happen overnight

nor am i at will to discuss

your work, still under constrution

in progress

eating mush and cold bacon for breakfast

little children

too young to understand what is really going on

translates to narcissism so easily as you get older

unless you mature grow as well in your brain

orphaned children, or bastard by name

thy mind may not be nurtured

and thus you may appear vain

- October 03, 2006

Deliberate

the last night of the last day of the last week of the long months

of our drawn out demise

chalking it up to luck

our reverie of deliberacy

hard work married with the opportunities we grabbed

hours of cautious intention, designs school of rock

learning to read, and premeditated creation

that exist within afternoons of debauchary

within fear

that we can't go this road alone

wanting to talk, set the wheels in motion

it's the romantic notion of things that were

i believe it was grand, a time or two

images and memories

the power of unity, the number three, but let's not forget

the ones that nursed,

the nurse can never be the scientist

the scientist' assistance must provide support

great things can get created but

perhaps the luck was that we found each other

relationships built on idealisms of what would come

did come our way

and in reality the road can be built slow with a stone

let's not forget how it happened

and learn to translate these warriors of our days past

into the metaphors of today

- October 01, 2006

Plains

3rd born to a line of gangsters

cowgirl with no name

see me running


i can't hear anymore

these words fall on deaf ears

no more ringing

it has stopped

thank god

relief

sigh, i cannot be near you

chaotic, searching

i will not hear you

i'm tired

though i do get sad

cuz it was so great

but you wore me out

tired

and you left

till there was nothing left

of this minor

stripped the skin off a cubs back

when it was still a baby

still a baby

growing, needing nurturing

you withdrew

never happy

then nor now

it's your lot

go grow your withered leaves

before your bushes fail to thrive


The Good Work

whatever it takes

the work comes now

silence and reverie

mastubation of the heart

take the time to do the things you must

take the time to do the things you must

but never did before

distracted by lust

wine, wanting to lose control

still tasting the liquor

its sweetness on your lips

somehow make you realize

keep reading the classifieds

there is too much work to be done

tedious, paperwork

self addressed stamped envelopes

bladdity blah

slick her hair blue eyes, she's rather nice

and friends get borrowed on time by their new boyfriends, lovers, future wedded bliss be thy

name

thats just how it goes as we get older

we'll still get on with our keys that no longer open doors

and find new knobs that turn slightly ungreased

and make plans as the days pass by

make sure their nice like the walk on the beach

spent with people you like who make you feel right

cuz after day comes night

and we all need to sleep

so do the good work when you can

leaving your nerves in the sand

realize it will all be done in good time


Self-Motivated Winnings

after what i saw last week

she's liable to fly off the handle at any time

and join a new band

she's craving the stage the lights

the recognition

willing to do what it takes

accept every invitation

desparate

for adoration

adornment-an ornament of style

which is catching the eye

and beautiful to look at on the outside

but wretched and dismembered on the inside

a lonely and empty soul

for even in the wake

of lights, camera, action

for which she should be honored

she let it be known

that she has other plans

always has other plans

another promise

of her life in lights

a dream she cannot nurture

never surely living, nor believing in her own

taking what she can

where ever it is offered

the leave in believe is spelled differently

and i'm just a spectator

of this unholy demise

that is driven by unworldly desire

for self motivated winnings


The Path is Never Ending

suffocated by the noise

the blanket of the week

then space solitude empty

caged by the weekend

what happened to the one who got up got out and went?

where is the bliss in this emptiness of discontent?

breakfast, coffee water shed

your jeans your t-shirt, dirt spent

silver rings on your fingers

indian art on the backside of my hand

henna art

body art you crave to instill some movement creativity onto your soul

your body

words, unnecessary ruffness in them

when it could be left behind at home

in the room, where you retreat,

not spend the whole day

fuck the dust that settles on cheap wood

focus, forsee the words that replaces these slices

work write forget the words in their brain

suggesting what you know

is true

but there is more to come

this they may wish not

but when you do what you gotta do

things will happen inevitabley

keep it up my friend

the road is long and has been

the path is never ending


Let Do This Already

filial is the new word today

though i waited and expected

based on other words said

and i read what is going on with you my dear

words you write

sing through your fear

just a believer and a dreamer but not a doer so

but i'll try to make it slow

hanging on to what i think is all i've got

when sheds the agony

i got a lot

of gusto and life

don't worry we'll work through this strife

it's the loneliest thing i'll do

sadness and fear and dread its true

just from a few days of blue ocean stream

changing moods and structure

two steps back and still moving forward

i promise

you are and happiness ensues, i want it to

but paranoia and envy encapusulate venues

let do this already


Money

awake in the morning

i realize your name

the way i live my life

an excuse

for the way you live yours

people in india die from unknown causes

while you blame so easily

and it doesn't slide off

as you might think it should

as i wish it would

when the reality is that this is it

i find peace here

knowing how near to me

you are my dear

but the rest is a game

in my head, i guess

that you play to remind me

convince me, that it is me

the one who has caused us to be where we are

it's a game you play that works

to secure your position

in life

when in reality you would be no different

without me

like a child planning an outfit

for the next school day

this is it

and it is ok

at least we came to where we did

at least we came out here when we did

we could stay like this forever

and it would be ok

with no expectations in our head

of the future

except respect and honor

and everything that comes out of your mouth

is wishful thinking

but to put the dream into action

is a desire and drive you lack

although steadfast and sturdy you continue

if only to be discovered

while i play the lotto

a vision, an image you want to impress

i can't even afford the tattoo on my arm

that i want

that is real

slow and steady wins the race

that i will give you

but the rest is your dream

that i no longer believe


Joan Jett was at the Hotel Tonight

every time the reminders of what i've done

who i've been

where i've gone

what i've done

what i've done

as i sip the white wine

that i cannot even stand sweet sugar

sifting sand

and the sighs of worry

that i have to hear

i'd rather just avoid it all together

but that doesn't work either

then i feel sad, mad, comfort and guilt

all combined into one chaotic quilt

joan jett was at the hotel tonight

i'd rather just avoid it all together

because a part of me cannot deal

does not know how to deal

though this year i've gotten better

but still a slip up here, a slip up there

still moving forward on this painful path i need to walk

slow, often crawl, because i am afraid to admit

to the one who needs to hear it

in words

beause action speak louder

so i'm getting ready to go

in even that alone

though my laze wants me to avoid it

remain in the comfort of my home

afraid one day it will all be torn

all my actions, or inactions paralyzed by fear

joan jett was at the hotel tonight

but i know i've gotta please the one inside

can't live in fear

for others who may one day just give up on me

throw in the towel

because i'm just not worth the trouble anymore

which in that case, i'd be left with nothing

not even me

in this scenario

where i go

driven by gut

a step towards action and proof

at least i'd still have me

and maybe one more


I Might Just Get Some Peace

is it time to wear boots again

as i stare out the window

i tire of los angeles' heat

with dreams of going back to a cooler time

but in that wish i would leave this all behind

music and art and that which i've built with it

i'm a ball of emotion

convinced i could take it with me

but the truth is i'm mad

been mad for far too long now

and indeed i could take it with me

i'm so concerned and consumed by guilt

or fear that i'll hurt the one i love

the one i unwittingly threatened

because of their lack of movement

wanting change and growth and life

when they inch along

so now their in

did what i asked

and i'm still not happy

ready to change the stakes again

because i'm retarded and strapped into guilt

by their words

when if i just let the guilt go

let the love in

let the anger go

let the art in

let the solution-focused theoretical crap

actually into my world

know where the words come from

start tuning in to the subtlety

i might just get some peace


In Danger of Flying off the Handle

two steps back yesterday

or maybe three steps forward

i still cannot tell

when will i stop being so angry i said

and she's moving on

and they've all moved on

still practicing the media of song

i was fucked up for so many years

still sometimes have a hard time seeing clear

but i'm getting there, out of the woods

to the open space where i can finally say

i was wrong

i made a mistake

but only then i know it is too late

the emotions are there

torn

spare

soft and mushy flesh

an open wound

i dare say i might end up hurting

i need an adult to hold me in place

i'm always in danger of flying off the handle

making a bad decision

driven by passion, liberation

no wonder you are scared

but it won't happen that way anymore

but i can't deny that which makes me smile

makes me happy

is ultimately a part of my life


I'm Not Even Going to Pretend

i have nothing.

i'm not even going to pretend

just solitude, and comfort

and my good friends

i am nothing

i'm not even going to pretend

just simple, and easy going

with visions of cotton and denim

i do nothing

that warrants reward

i get out of it what i do

i'm not going to build it up

but it's beautiful to me

i exist in this heavenly

sometimes its hard

giving so much

giving so much up

to give this cup

of water to the children

of my heart you are not in need

of anything big

and i don't really achieve any great feat

in fact,

you may not see

me

for years and years, then one day remember

maybe you'll call

when you stop being angry


Twig

you're barely 18

and i can see the fear behind those eyes

the pain of what is going to be lost

i carry your angst like a bounty in my brain

you yell, you're loud, you beg me within your tears

all in five minutes time

then you're gone

laughing

on to the next song

you're not even 18

and i can't remember your pains

i was much older then

and your troubles seem so little to me

your legs, your arms withering away

twig like a baby

mothering. sistering, stop the madness,

you have so much ahead of you

you listen, you nod, you agree

"this is all slowly killing me"

then you're gone

begging me not to go

you walk away with your heart in your stomach

but i believe you are in good hands


Subtle Reminders Manipulative by Nature

still trying to get over it

feeling bad or guilty when i don't wanna do something

but somehow feel obligated

even more i don't wanna

and i'm not a teen ager

so peer pressure should not be in my vocabulary

but kids as you get older

one thing your peers become better as is pressure

and if you're strong and not driven by a strange desire

to please or relieve your own guilt

or a fear of being alone

you can head it off at the pass

but if you feel bad, feel guilty

conscientous about people's feelings to the pure neglect of your own

then you'll have problems

people will know and use it against you

for thier good

mostly its a fear might to pass up some opportunity

but if to pass em anyway, why even bother

give people the wrong impression

that you might give a damn, be available when they need you

no, you won't so why even bother

thats where i am finally getting to

the place where i recognize

the only people i mess with are people who let me be me

don't expect anything

and don't get mad, sad

the ones that do

co-dependent too

will nip at your heels

you are their unsuspecting prey

with subtle reminders that are manipulative by nature

give an inch and they will take a mile


Purpose

with persistence she presents and i want to unfold

empty out the chasm i'm holding in

because i want her to understand

but years of watching, wishing and wanting

trying, i have learned

tunnel vision, simplistic yet complex

hence i withold

i guess only marcy will know

when i say withold, its almost withdraw

but be nice, i'm reminded

it's not thier fault

we all want different things

and its best to stop trying to enlighten

the un-self-acutalizing un-ready

because it just makes you feel bad

angry and sad

so just go about your business

you know what you have to do

they want you

for their purpose

not willing to accept, or maybe they forget that

you have your own


A Fine Wine

it is supposed to be repair

some stiletto high heels

some 40's flower same size

your money is long here

resting your ears and your sweat glands

staying cool, sometimes tired

lonely, confused sad at loves shapes and sizes

but its the taunting of a sick wind that blew on sunday

envious of its beauty, its life you see in others

it's power to sustain you guide you

allow you to complete classes and grades

the same patterns of your youth

you can't accomplish alone

but resentful of it's boundaries

so defined

in ink

poetic guides you reprave

but need

so, it's all repair but for what end

to simply live and enjoy life, i say

put on your dark jeans and black wife-beater

in your denim jacket, studded belt

blue, anyway

dyed your hair again

looking so youthful, eating your fruit, i see

drinking your water and working out, we see

resting your ears, sweat glands, and mind

let the money flow in and guide you

it's all about the benjamins they say

so next time you will look good

rest and you get better with age

and smarter of course

because you read


An Element of An Elephant

today turned out to be my lucky day

even though there was an element of an elephant

when i wasn't afriad to let go

i was given something in return

so many days spent trying to walk away

but afraid

the elephant in the room getting bigger by the day

the elephant in my world, refusing to go away

finally when i let the energy go, just go

i let the new energy grow

it's like dead hair or a bad nail polish color

sometimes the illness is hard to let go

even when you know what you have to do

sometimes the truth is hard to swallow

the path hard to follow

but strength in mind, heart, and gut

is the only thing you can trust

not these people who frown, or taunt in disgust

telling you the illness is not real

trying to control how you think and feel

not willing to acknowledge the madness is damaging time

wreaking havoc on space

the illness is there on so many levels,

it's in their words

the way they evoke guilt

it's in their eyes

the way they suggest disappointment

it's in the glass

always full of contempt, until we toast, and drink and smile

so lets drink to drown these sorrows

the illness now in our veins, our togetherness

seeled in our blood

so many years i tried to walk away

but the patterns were so emblazoned on my cornea, my pupils

Vision Blurred

because what lay beyond was clouded by a fear that refused to clear

and they knew i feared, and they feared that the end was always near

and they tried to hold on, and they tried to remind me of who i used to be

they tried to get me to be that which is old, lent, spent, and used

for their good

the elephant reared it's head a few times today

but i refused to be re-used hahahehe, i just wanna laugh

because you'll never control me again


Just a Notion

the notion of mother fair soft smooth face lady

bear us with pain and never let us forget

the game of the father, shocked then fell for the daughters

who loved and lived the life you would want too

but yet you two pull them away from freedom

as your mind refuses to change. turn. view the evolution of what you knew

the choices you'd want for them limited in what you chose for them

because there aren't really that many choices are there

just more opportunities?

with you steering the reins

but you really could care less

you want them to follow the path you believe is right

you really could care less about the passion that lies in a nation built on freedom

from tradition

the notion of right

is only as true as the powers bestowed it by your family

but lo and behold the choices you wanted. the choices forth giveth the daughters

that led to the passion that burned in their goiters of love for the livers. their lovers. and lifers.

for what more you have given, lest you even believen, is the passion for freedom and the ability

to fly

so why not just let them?

revel in the madness just for one moment, and enjoy what you birthen


Another Warrior

thank you to the ones that have honestly

and genuinely said what made sense to me

about me, i know you mean it sincerely

and the ones who keep their mouth shut

well i know what you're thinking

when you stare, size me up and down

but thank you for acting like you weren't judging me

there has got to be some civility

and the sweet ones, who admire me

appreciate my silly, covet my simplistic outward liberated mentality

thank you

you built me

and the ones who didn't come from a place of knowing me

and attacked me based on some inner security

you too have taught me in the beginning to hate myself

but you pushed me to take a better look at me and

in the end you helped me to improve myself

and appreciate this strength in me that people often confuse for weakness

or try to break down

but i can't help it

i'm a warrior

with scars and battle wounds to prove it

and those in my life, the teachers

did i pick you because

even as adults we need guidance

to learn what is still unlearnt


Don't Forget

i am the get shit done work mad like a frenzy bitch

i'm the wham bam thank you ma'am gotta get to my ass to the next gig can't stay too long chic

i partied with the best of them, gained hours but lost daylight and weight, and now i'm all done

but don't forget i can still drink and smoke like a champ your ass under the table shit

some want to control me, some want to behold me

because i'm a sucker for an old friend with a good look, or the gift of gab

at least i was

but what you may have forgotten is that i'm not into sticking around bullshit

no whiny clingy babies, or posturing needy ladies who think i want what they do, think as they

do, should look, feel and live as they do, that just because i did that shit when i was young

doesn't mean i haven't moved on or should move on with them in their worlds where i don't

wanna belong because i don't wanna be alone. nope.

i can dine alone, drink alone, smoke alone, live alone, party alone

i do it all alone

and i've moved on from you needy ones

you are not children, not my children, stop acting like i want a piece of your recipe for madness

just because i've let you get away with it for so many years. so many years wondering if and

when you would change, grow up.

because years went by and i wasn't fierce, didn't say what i was thinking, didn't wanna hurt your

feelings for fear of losing your friendship, but those days are going going gone girls.

judging is always part of the game.

with friends like these who needs enemies

so the saying goes

i'm not the stay at home and cook for my man girl

i'm not the barefoot and pregnant sit by the phone girl

i'm not the sheep, or a follow the crowd girl

i'm a believer in my own, a do-er, a fighter, a get out there and winner

and i reflect on the damage i have done in my time

i know i've been wrong and split some hairs in my mad frenzied need to get ahead of myself

whirl

and i say sorry to you because i led you to believe i would never judge you

when in actuality i was weighing your good, your bad, your evil, in stacks in my room

pages of wealth i've dedicated to you

to tear apart and depict you all of you

in my need to be needed by you

by some entity larger than me

because i judge, indeed it's true, and my hypocrisy was my fear of reciprocity

judging is part of the game


One Year Ago

All residents of New Orleans are being requested to evacuate the city immediately. The storm

has been increased to a category 5.

- August 29, 2006

I Feel You

i feel you staring at me

i know you are watching me

but for some reason i can't turn my head

some days i'm famous

i walk into the grocery store

and they are there watching me

aren't you she? indeed that is me

i feel you your pain

your life built by your mother

though she aged she left you didn't she

hanging without epiphany

my empty bare words linger in your ear

your anger shrill confusion still buzzing in mine

sometimes i am cold i don't know where it comes from

i am from the north and the south all at once and i pierce

your soul when i leave

penetrate your entity when you can no longer have me

i am strong brave but blank with nothing to give you

i get paid

the lady she cried yesterday

i feel you your pain

your children everyone scattered you say

went in many directions and you cry all alone

when you throw away things like chairs and tables and sofa

and i feel you your pain

but what i don't say is the opportunity to start anew

i sense freedom in your shoes

and so it goes day after day

and i don't take it home

don't talk about it much

where i sit cold

but sometimes i recognize the warmth

it has rewarded me

- August 18, 2006

through the woods. find your food your good your footing

do we live

in vocation-ville

indeed to have a skill

on which to build

a life a living a craft a will

sometimes we spill our dreams

into one pill

and perform a disappearing act

when it falls ill

one thing won't do

versatility is the key to survival

the skilled man a thing of our past?

learn your rituals living in rural

take them to the big lake

where you are no longer the big fish

in a big pond

does it make you safe anxious awake

or is it all the same play on a different stage

you decide

for its your life

though your parents only want what is best for you

they know some but not all of you

they don't always know what is best for you

sometimes you must forge your own way

through the woods. find your food your good your footing

find the you that is best for the world in its place

where it is today

with you as the missing piece of some obscure puzzle

- August 13, 2006

Ready to be Washed

hyperbole under this name

theres too many names on my chain

sitting like relaxing as you walk about your day me leaving you

leaving me leaving you leaving me

we've gotten good at this game

fix it you do under the hood lifting shirts of

oil and wood we smell the sweat that wafts through your garage

parade of unawareness in your body of animalistic shames

they would likely say

its such a disgrace this game of intimacy we play

as humans all of us in one big bag of laundry

ready to be washed

- August 11, 2006

Lose Your Turn

game over

unless you have a get out of jail free card

why do you call me ice queen?

when i giveth and you taketh

taketh away always

giveth something and its your move

i dare you to win the game

i dare to hear your voice

giveth something to make it last

forever

because its about to fade away

and its your move

so roll

bail, inhale, bail,

i outside

you out of jail

everyday

to make it go

when i am incarcerated in your world

i giveth myself and nothing left

so roll, if you dare

or pay the 50

otherwise lose your turn

and i win

game over

- August 09, 2006

Child of 5

my child of 5 wants her shower by 7

mommy don't wait until 11

she was there last night

expecting guidance but lost

waiting for mom to get it together

if mom doesn't do this i guess i will have to

god dammit

dear child of 5

no more diapers

why you've grown so tall

mommy i stopped wearing them when i was 1

travelling late at night

train by train we stop

she talks

directs

she's got no choice but to be the boss

crazy mommy i'm particular

my dear child of 5

so smart so cute

my friend

- August 07, 2006

girl, i must be made of steel

the road has been long girl

lets rest now

shall we?

i mean, can we?

really?

girl, i know, sometimes we don't wanna

but it took so long to get here

so much hard work

so many sleepless nights

endless thinking

endless breathing

can we sit back and let them do the rest

let the work speak for itself

aloud

last year i should have cried

but i saved my tears

this year the tears have no fear

and have no place the emptiness has been replaced

by wind or by train the work was not for naught

it was who we are who we were who we wooed

how we lived by the night

the dark candle light dim bar shy boys wanting our girls oh girl

we could be a part of so many worlds

with your hair pinned back like a career girl so smart girl we can be so many things

tight skirt to your knees, we left so many on their knees

begging for just another piece

we've come so far girl

all these miles beneath these high heels

and i don't know how i keep going girl

i must be made of steel

for the road was long and rough and hard

and as i look into the distance

the continued movement of my cars

flight and movement

of my world

as dust sits in my bedroom

so many things we will do girl

so take this moment of stillness in your arms

and don't let it fool you

- August 05, 2006

Brainy World

the stuff on those pages makes the pit

big in my nerves in my stomach

pit, shallow breathing, sadness

of a time that i am glad to move past

i wish you the best

you once were my friend

still are somewhere in me within

but i won't try anymore

to force the issue

force my niceness my neediness upon you

needy has faded and left me with jade

forge ahead into the world of books and brains

libraries extensive tither

literary intellect the savior

of my soul

and i was lost so hard trying though it didn't quite fit right

and though it made me lose control and want to throw it to the wind

and i wasn't living right

in the awkard shaped fit it made forcefully tied in place

squirming unable to stand behind any words that are true to me

saying what i meant but unable to seal the bank

of truth in my honor

i say these words to no one

i am silent quiet but knowing

the days months long past are cold

thank god for this brainy world

-m.g.wilson

"take me in

no questions asked

the life i left behind me is a cold one"

-sarah mclaughlin

- August 03, 2006

Because You're Almost Full

so now i made a little note

a mental note

the scene is done

tired

old

my youth was fun

next stage welcome

work your heart out little girl

this job is kicking my ass

sometimes you have got to give it a last whirl

even if you don't feel it quite like before

because you're almost full

but if you take a break the hunger may return

so you think maybe

finish off that last piece

bite it until it's gone

forever

into the belly of your past

we had fun lil girls didn't we?

we had too much fun on many levels

but some left us empty

now that tank is full

of crap

half empty half full

more or less

it had meaning back then

so we thought

but doesn't quite seem to fit now

like a snake sheds its skin

or an onion

those words still ringing in my ears

for over a year

trying to let go

but always looking back

with a smile of sadness

turn around say my new friends

as they grab my hands

lets walk together into the forest

that is the future

- July 31, 2006

Marcy

so now i talk about myself

to marcy

we talk about

things like women

and love

smart girls earn it

pretty girls live it

desparate girls die alone

we all die alone i remind her

she reminds me its time to move on

in not so many words

taking a break she doesn't want to step on my toes

push her advice on me

yes, it's a technique i too know

all too well

and i appreciate it

subtlety

because i can read between the lines

sometimes too well and to my detriment

so i live my life perhaps in riddle

somewhere aware of the body

not so much the words

though that is what comes out

of me

most of the time

anyway

and those who cannot right now

interpret

take a hint

drink some gin and live in the abstract

are not in my venue

gradually exposing their dim ditz

just different

they say its honesty

i say

it's denial

wake up and smell the coffee that is brewing in your own kitchen

ladies

or else stupidity sweetheart may slap lips somewhere between

ass and feeling good just in the moment

- July 30, 2006

Un Unicorn

are you un unicorn

stand out in the crowd

do they tease you beat you taunt you

make you feel ugly when you win

hands down

sometimes do you falter

lose the tough in you lose

the fight within you

when they've torn you down

so far down your beauty sagging

to the ground

many days under a blanket a haze of bewilder

and confusion waiting for the clearing

forgetting that your horn can guide

your horn shall lead the way

has lead the way of strength in times of fury

and furious furious furrow

brows brown unborough

it's a strange time of change and loss and pain

change and loss and change and gain

but no big dreams like heaven await like

a dream you had in a heaven too late

but to be fair you refuse to grow trying to hang on to

a default horn like pegasus or uniball

sometimes does good and people want your beauty

but in your haven unwanted haven of nothing worth giving

only what you have taken

no missed opportunities in your wake

growing pains for a weak unicorn means tears in your exterior

but the skin grown back for double dowble after midnight you will awake

and walk untiil dawn breaks

- July 17, 2006

For Two Days

spent the last few days with old friends

dinner with wine

sunning in venice beach

pampering ourselves at the spa

ida-ho wanted hollywood and water

having a swim and a lunch poolside at a table next to

Angelina Jolie

for two days

i forgot about my life

and some of my friends

some of these so called friends in my world

but they're more like associates

people i am to know by obligation

to know me back

call me

lets have dinner

go see an old friend

how 'bout a drink?

i've either known

sometimes i know i need to move

this town breeds shallow

and i see where we've been used

for our resources for someone else's gain

whether it be monetary or fame

this town breeds snakes

charming on the surface

but waiting to take your shirt off your back

and never planning to return it

unless you ask

you have to ask

for two days

i forgot about these women

slapping stabbing snaking grabbing

talk talk talk about themselves

pumping themselves up or not

because they're sneaky

i should go with my first instinct

it's never too late

to learn from our mistakes

how we can just erase them from our plate

our existence

i need to break away

- July 13, 2006

It's True

i know she didn't call me crying about the state of her life

after she tried to tell me about mine

i know she didn't call me begging to go

somewhere she before would refuse

before

the irony, the hypocrisy of life

i never say i'm better

never say i'm right

always try to listen

then often lose insight

of my core, stability and strength

sacrificed

for your acceptance

into some world

dumbass


i loved you wanted you needed you

i was turned away

only let in because i fulfilled something in you

and lets be true

we shared the color blue

so you and me

we both got something new


i'm sad, and scared now

but I won't go backwards

can't let you back

not like before

because i know now, what i saw then

but refused to believe

it's true

- July 09, 2006

at the end of the day

wow she says with such conviction

i'm really mourning the death of my friends

not some fancy of the years gone by

or a taste of a flavor gone stale

but an image of a life with people you once knew

someone who can shake your tale, a story, no fairy

i'm not going banish you from my country

nor hide from you at the state capitol

i just never expected people to change

or perhaps stay the same and expect you to

listen

to what they still think of you

your explanations have gone dry

like a white wine or vodka collins

you'll never drink

just sitting there

waiting for you to blow

waiting for you to blow

wow she says, these lessons we learn

she's been expecting you

to cower

funny how that is

but still keep them around

still leave them in waiting

for everyone has their life to live

and at the end of the day

no one is thinking about you

except how you can benefit them

fit into their portrait

never reeling behind their words

like you do

so let it go

at the end of the day

they're just words anyway

- July 07, 2006

My Sister's Killers

the remains are being destroyed

the bodies will be ready for inspection

mexico city, seattle, scottsdale Arizona

why one and not the other

who will attend

the senator wishes to be placed in suspended animation

in death

freeze him

stipulated in his will

release it to his son for that purpose

minor disputes of our fathers remains

unless indeed he gets brought back to life

please help find the sisters killers

please help me find my sister the killer

crystal clear

please accept our condolences

something has died

someone is death

crypt, an hour ago he was cremated

nothing like a 2000 degree fire to destroy evidence

use my special gift, to good use,

cops think i'm a psychic and now we investigate this kidnapping

do you want to bury a cow?

- July 05, 2006

In Red, Blue Some Green Too

this lingers like a flower

just trying to nourish

forget what i loved

won't it let me be

i need to exist in the

empty

sex slaves and doll trade

i would win

it was me

i don't remember so clearly

blurry images of legs and furry places

in red, blue some green too

in jail we were kept

like prisoners

but we knew

it was good

to you

so good to me and you

in a room in the house we together outgrew

or just me suffocated by your frenzy

thwarted retarded unrecognizable

to the naked eye

unless someone else knew

lost and confused

engine blowing a fuse

here in a sad state of sorrow

of fear and disgust

mirror image and lust




to the naked eye

you ask why i'm so angry

does it show

living a life about someone else

making little

in the shadows in the shadows

creeping around looking for just a little light

and when it would shine

frowns and laughter

jealousy and envy

petty




to the naked eye

waste of time a waste of space

playing to win someone else's race

insult me once, i wince with a sign

insult me twice,

a third time

anger in memory will follow forever

envy and forgiveness are not in my dowry

- July 03, 2006

Cities in Wait

making up the mind

the hardest decisions

bring about the most pain

and the most joy

and advancement

of life

your own visions in mind

which city is it going to be

surrounded by buildings only

lights and gotham

comfort in chaos

this city's in wait

these cities in wait

with people and beings living

turn the tv off

middle america

obesity and fast food

reality show and fame

obsessions bred by comfort and space

no visions raise your pimpled-face

disgrace

work and sleep coupled by design and beauty

what is it going to be space or city

just turn off the tv

what do you see

concrete

or cookie-cutter bliss

- July 01, 2006

Inaction

will it rain will it rain will it rain

you sit and wonder

on your parade

on your day

will she go crazy, or act insane

or will she maintain

not like she used to

but like she always has been

will continue to be

forever

when will it rain

how long will we have to sit and wait

ten twenty years

this life long drought we live in

believe in

ironicity

ironic city

anger and fear

causes wells to dry up

issues that arise in your water cooler

refusing to function properly

as though someone stuck a thorn

or a prick of some sort

into your hole

discomfort

inaction

will you maintain

outlive this pain

be resistant to change

will you sit at your desk and draw

on your carpet

as though you were a seven-year old child again

wishing

dreaming

that the dreams were true another reality were given to you

what do you want to do

live in a big city

work and accomplish

stylistic action

bread and friends

live in a city thats been good to you

work and accomplish

style-wise resuscitation

mis-representation

what leads to inaction

is in your mind

- June 30, 2006

A Happiness Still Shines Through

although i have to be quiet in the mid morning dawn

dew drops haven't fallen so soon

a light shines in my heart anew

somethings so long forgotten entere again

i know i was wrong before confused

written words that hurt plans unused

and i'm headstrong and driven and crazy things

when you slower slow slow down way down

still want this energy around

different speeds in life

but still feed each other things like dim-sum and egg-drop

mad like hell for the recognition or some performance

you didn't want to hear

perhaps

but when that door finally closed, and i let it slam behind me, still angry

willing to refuse to follow you, pester you

some things you have to let go

sometimes they come back to you, it's true

going forward is all you can ever do

and there are so few beings in this sphere

that understand me like you do

it was really painful in what is done at you

because who tries to compete, say they're better than you

but jealousy and control, people are not possessions

to be bought or kept in a box

individual entities with a path all their own

mind of thier own

separation always unsues

but if you keep it within you

know that peace is a part of you

and will always be with you

and that you always have the right to choose

a happiness still shines through

- June 27, 2006

what do you share with this end?

there is frigid air amidst our fingers

rotten blue fret with tears

but still i let you in

once in a while

once in a blue moon

and there is too much to do now

and time passes

your wings sometimes like angels

i'm lucky to have you

but tread carefully i say

put it in the right category i say

there are friends who share lunch, a conversation so light

friends who share tea, like shopping on a mid-summer day

friends who get drunk, sometimes you join them in laughter so silly

friends who share an inner sense of style, a museum nightlife

friends who have passion

so much so

they endanger your soul

with a fire for a fashion that will pass in the night

boys who never become men

like dragons in the night

what sometimes you wonder do you share with this end

what exactly do you share with this end?

is it dinner for two

a party at night?

lunch in the sun

a double-date?

we'll figure it soon, out in the open

don't let go of the hesitancy in your eyes

- June 27, 2006

Conversations with Sydney

whats the new name going to be sydney

conversations and chronicles with a new person

but the same identity or is it changed now?

selling yourself short

realization is not open for discussion

people who feed at the bar

on your empty keys

hollow soul

when you are really so much more like a tree

silent and strong

oh tree oh tree

what is in your name, and who are you sydney

like a trunk or branch

of your leaves, falling at my feet green with envy

because i don't have much and i don't want more

don't need to be encapsulated by these wretched souls

ok, more like empty, crying in, begging me to be with like blank

i talked about you today, to sydney. she is me

or like me, i should say. we

talking amongst ourselves to ourselves

self help me psychology. sydney doesn't know you

or rather you don't get to know her, and i doubt she will be lain

at your door step, waiting for you, letting you in

anytime soon

nor

not ever again

and as one said to her one day, i'll see you when i see you attitude

is even too much time for me so let's just leave it at we''ll see

if i ever have the need. that is if you will have me

because you know, what you do, and i know you will need. but that doesn't mean you will still

agree.

- June 26, 2006

After All this Anyway

i fell off the tracks again, how did i get so far off

the destined path, and strength of these weeks past

just a few words, a night of sound, loud ringing in my ears

tears never came, but I sat there in the pit

i'm turning it off now for sure. there is hope but type-a

blood is not in me. it could if i lose sleep

and i do anyway all night tossing and turning

what do i care about what you think

after all this anyway

we shared in its honesty is good and its not like i'm cut from this cloth

silently go forward closing this book its long finished chapters overdue

in a library without a view

the silence says more than words ever did. i have always said that to you

and i know you know he knows we all know whats really going on here

the weak one. the one who lacks self respect and dignity

is the last one standing with a smile

but tears somewhere behind lost in the embers of the spirit

there is no fight, nothing left to say, we all know what must happen

and how we then must find a way

the bolshoi dances like a mid summer swan, and lets her skirt flow

ballerina in the air, your dance of your dream somewhere smoked in your hair

and i hold down the keys of some song silhouette, dreaming of these teams

we always felt we deserved and could get, we worked at

but things fall apart and change never fails. it's time for me to collect

and build a world left on hold

- June 24, 2006

Circles

moving in circles

the ones that encapsulate

feathers that breed

i'm tired of the themes

in this life

can't figure out ways to make it better

i circulate within

ideas only in my mind

change the outer feel

to help the inner

being

but the inner wants out

when it knows i won't leave

or perhaps i will move

i had it for a day

perhaps even a week

and before that a few

and now it seems gone

lost

sold its soul to an abyss

i create these circles

inside

with an iron fist

that i can't even create

no force

i know i will stay to finish

what's started

but what is not even there

doesn't even have a chance

to exist

- June 23, 2006

Style

i was inspired by her hair

day two

so much like something

i used to do

or did

before

no fancy no foder

on her face

but still caring, daring

in a public place

sometimes i feel like its such a waste

for a rainy day or a sad face

with no style

but like one said

it's a state of mind

even when your naked

asleep

when you wash your clothes

lay around

you never know

what will abound of course

where you may have to go

tomboy lipstick who cares

fashion is not just for girls

not a feminist de-construct

do you lose it sometimes

and years go by

it will still be mine

simple but mine

different versions of the same

still sometimes a little nudge

a new face that reflects back

not like those following trends

or try to wear what is only in

this stuff is way beyond them

sometimes what you like is in

easily found

other times you wish you had a sewing machine

- June 21, 2006

What You Should Know

saying a lot of stuff

about we this

and we that

remember

the poetry is within me

like the songs that haven't been written

sure i play guitar

sometimes i ride along

i will

but more so happy to have found this voice

again

and i won't be tricked into giving

100% more than i can give

guilted into living

a life i cannot live

and i won't be sharing information

with each and every one

giving ammunition

on how my life is run

like friends who manipulate and cheat

live in a cloud of denial

and deceit

i mean as long as you are honest

with yourself

and who am i to judge?

but it does spill over you probably don't see

how your lies, and judgement affect me

your insecurity drowns out the voice

of mine, and everyone's

though somewhere underneath i know you can hear

but i am afraid it will be too late my friend

and i have no more time to waste

coddling your confused and petty face

wishing you had friends that followed you

as though life were a race

for money

or fame

or beauty

they never will, you know

everyone has got thier own

you know

battles to win

ghosts to chase

aspirations and reasons

for living different than yours

invested maybe not

but history is a joke

it bears no witness for what is to come

there's something you should know

your expectations will fall flat

so rely on what's in you

you will only get to keep what's yours

what's inside your soul

stop looking for guarantees

on a life worth living

i've never had a dream

when reality was present

- June 20, 2006

Liberation and Lonely

expel all the exterior repression

and break free. liberation and lonely go hand in hand. it always seems.

but can you pull your head out higher up to see. you are better off without the ones

you remember. draggin you down. to the ground. like that forgotten clown.

you said it yourself. you wanted this you've felt, so many times in the past

home is where the heart is. and you've got a good one.

people want to own you claim you use you for their own needs, and you accept

is being lonely really so bad that it drives people to do the crazy be the crazy

allow the crazy

in

smart girls, proud girls, lonely girls all waiting to be taken in

in this country where more is better

and everyone in this city is expecting gold

to take them to heaven, any second now, it's going to happen, i can feel it

so you tried to call yesterday, and she never did call, is it a game people play to win

and why does it hurt when you do it too, when it only serves as a reminder to you

to break free of this, expel the exterior repression

liberation is in your hand

and lonely is in your mind

- June 19, 2006

Further

talk is cheap

these words drown desire

and hold me down

it is something you want to hear

specific

wanting to hear

your own voice

idealisms like yours

narcissism

for years i supplied

willingly along

agreed

what you wanted to hear

needed

to go ahead

i too

believed those words i said

true

wanted to believe in you

somewhere along

the words lost meaning

maturity ensued

the lights came on

ideals renewed

rediscovered

and i woke up

lost

alone

living a life of someone

unknown

see those words

won't work anymore

or for me now

and perhaps never did

fell off before i even met you

and i have to be true

afraid these new words

can't stand up

don't fit in

perhaps time is now

un-do, and re-do

as my thoughts flew

and out of your control

i flew

along today

i go on my own

still

further and further away

from anyone's control

we fed each other

i fed you, you fed me too

for too many years

there is a neediness in you

that i can no longer fulfill

- June 18, 2006

History

1977-1988 Extensive training in classical piano (Composers studied include: Bach, Beethoven,

Chopin, Tchaikovsky, Mozart, Haydn)

1981-1983 Played clarinet in school band (Walnut Acres Elementary)

1982-1988 Jazz Dance, Classical Indian Dance

1986- Start writing poetry

1993- Got first guitar (acoustic) and began self teaching

1995- Got first electric guitar (Fender Strat) and Crate practice amp

1995-1998 Lots of song writing temporary posts in bands: Jah Rebel, Jen's Holding (bought 2

Korg keyboards)

1999-2001 Writer for SFGirl.com (Online Column)

2000-2001 DJ on Luxuriamusic.Com

2001-2006 Poems published in International Poets Society

2001-2006 Guitarist in Ze Auto Parts

- June 17, 2006

Save Your Pajamas for Another Year

the days of long pants and boots are over

as the sun shines on the west

desert heat blows in from the east

what the sun will see

now in skirts and cut up tees

the girls dawn their summer wear

the boys in tanks in hummer v's

los angeles will be

i desire to sew up skirts

to cut off hair

the dark makeup around the eyes

indian style

night

no more

caught up in another decade

somehow doesn't fit anymore

though some may try

actually pull it off

day is here

save your pajamas for another year

- June 16, 2006

Halfway Dressed

sleep comes over

and creates a lull

lazy bones i wanna fall

too many hours until the morning

awake early in the morning

homeward bound

stuck in reverse

i wanna get out get started

but i can't get motivated

undecided

still is too early

i should be in bed

but i couldn't

had to think

too many things

now already started

halfway dressed

gotta get out there and

move my muscles

make him some coffee

i'm just like my mother

but motherhood is not my career

and i'm still a child

immature

suckling

take charge

live in confidence

not out of obligation

or fear of regret

no one else has to live your life

no one else has to live this life

no else else has to live my life

in my shoes

in my head

so do what you please

do what you will

and let the others live for regret

- June 15, 2006

The Phone Ring

today and

several times a day

an invite here

an invite tonight

the hot place to be

a sister

a birthday

gotta wash the hair

the car

work late

the laundry

how many excuses can there be

till the calls stop

one day

neediness has finally escaped

hollowness has been replaced

comfort in the own skin

alone

the only fear

is that it will someday

re-enter and reposess

and the crave of dolls that now enslave

the nightlife the parties

the phone ring

but today see the flee

far away

leave this life

and its frivolity, friends and flimsy

far behind

a new city

a new look

a new outlook

with books and sound

and passion old re-new

she's gone so far away

they say

never to come back

never did she want to stay

she hated it

they say

she hated who she beccame

they say

some if true

i say

but the truth is always gray

strong today

in knowing that their presence

somehwat annoying

somewhat a blessing

outgrown

grow old alone

- June 14, 2006

Fashion Can Save your Life

fashion can save your life

spending time on style

not money

safety in clothes

you love

be brave little one

you will live

- June 13, 2006

The Powerless Child

sitting here semi nervous

when will the animal awake

so many things you told me

reminded me

we're all living so wrong

but what capacity

do women and men ever get along?

you wanna know what is missing?

something is always missing i said

but i pretend thats good enough

i'm sitting here in tip toe

when will the children awake

the powerless mother

the powerless child

yet we talk with others in mind

as if theirs is worse than mine

are you kidding me?

one verbal slap is all needed to retreat

away from those who

angry depressed confused within

try to stand thier conflicted soul

in front

blocking

attempts to brainwash

drop their baggage at your feet

i barely know you

who are you?

why do you think you know so much about anything?

how can you walk the path that steers clear

i'm in a difficult place

i hear the springs move

but no inhaling

love is gray

i jump from thought to thought

but persons who are injust

all filling the same anger

in my heart

because it is all about control

of the mind

everyone has an idea

of how it should be done

mean people don't have a room in my home

- June 13, 2006

Destination Within

"how you gonna win, if you ain't right within?"

-Lauryn Hill

on the road again

about to get on the plane again

this is how i like it

no desire to down the bottle

just hang out with an old friend

filling up the well

inspiration is mind

inspiration in mine

and it's time to let it in

to let it all the way in

not let the powers retard me

the thoughts provoke me

that say sit still

don't move

trick thy self

you should be happy

when your fingers don't move

it's that time again

let the flying begin

5 hours here

4 hours tomorrow

destination within

- June 08, 2006

Cheering Teen America

i walk this trail

a path from my past

past the old park

near your old house

i walk this old path

now i walk fast

with my hat

pulled down like a mask

i hide from suburbia

big and sunburnt burbia

tv dinner reality show mania

running past swimming pools

shaded peaceful areas

cheering teen america

blonde beauty i was never

ethnic beauty so unwanted

scary to the masses

i think now, its ok where i am

glad its not where i was

with you then

stuck in homogenous

ville

you were stronger, you were ok

i was not

i wanted more

you showed them

to my amazement

you showed me

to my face

and still i know

somewhere deep down

that fabulousity was mine first

always was me, not you

despite the road you took

despite my gut

my lack of will

your perseverence

for somehow you figured it out

while i was still gloating

and my coming may be late

but i believe it will be there

and it will be bright

if only i were able to go to New York

………….

About The Author

Moushumi Ghose is a writer of songs, music. She’s also a psychotherapist and has written books and

made films. She currently resides in Portland, Oregon with her partner, Jarrod Kenney all his guitars and

their two cats, Azriel and Holmes.

www.moushumiamour.com

Rock N Roll Night From Hell by Moushumi Ghose

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