24 Seven February 2022

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This relationship was important to me, and I could see
that a lot of what was going through the mind over there was
really about the other person and not about me. I began to
realize that the freest, strongest, and the most self-respecting
thing that I could do was both to tell the person that we were
on very thin ice . . . and to choose to love meanwhile.
To my surprise, instead of turning me into a doormat or
punching bag, love protected and fueled me. It kept me out of
contentiousness and conflict and gave me a feeling of worth.
I was interested in what the other person was going to do, but
in a weird way, I didn’t care that much. I felt fed and carried
by love, and how the other person responded was out of my
hands.
I got interested in “loving at will,” in how to go to the upper
end of the range of what is authentically available to a person
in terms of feeling or expressing compassion, good wishes,
and warmth. You shouldn’t falsify what’s truly going on with
you, nor let yourself be mistreated. But whatever this range
is for you at any moment in any relationship, it’s your choice
where you land within it.
I became less caught up in how I wanted the other person to
think and feel and act, and more focused on my own practice
of finding and re-finding some sense of love. It felt kind of
like I was strengthening the heart like a muscle. I joked with
myself that I was doing love pushups (not the sexual kind!).
If it’s authentically within reach, you can deliberately,
even willfully settle yourself in love as a central quality in
your mind. This is not phony: the love that’s there in you is
genuinely there. In fact, choosing to love is twice loving: it’s
a loving act to call up the intention to love, plus there is the
love that follows.
Looking back, my shift out of quarreling and into a healthy
feeling of lovingness helped things get better with this person.
And the relationship taught me a good lesson: Love is more
about us being loving than about other people being lovable.
Start with someone that’s easy to feel love around. Relax a
bit. Take a breath or two and come home to yourself. Sense
into the area of your chest and heart. Be aware of what
compassion and kindness feel like; perhaps call up the sense
of a time when you felt very loving. Ask yourself, can I feel
loving now? Open to a natural warm-heartedness. Choose
to love.
Take a dozen seconds to open to feeling as loving as you
can in your body. Take in this experience, let it sink into you.
This will strengthen the neural trace of the experience – a
kind of emotional memory – and make it easier to call up
the next time. Also register the sense of deliberateness, of
choosing to love.
Then try these methods with someone you feel more
neutral about, such as a stranger on the street. Eventually,
try this approach with someone who is difficult for you.
It could help to be more aware of the other person’s
stresses, worries, and longings. Without staring, look closely
at him or her for ten seconds or so. Can you let your heart be
moved by this face?
Get a sense of the different external and internal forces
pushing and pulling the other person this way and that
– perhaps leading him or her to do things that hurt you
or others. Let your eyes relax and get a sense of the bigger
picture. Disentangle from the parts, and open into the whole.
Let love be there alongside whatever else is present in your
relationship with the other person. There is love . . . and there
is also seeing what is true about the other person, yourself,
and circumstances affecting both of you. There is love . . . and
there is also taking care of your own needs in the relationship.
Love first. The rest will follow.
About The Author
RICK HANSON
Rick Hanson, Ph.D., is a psychologist, Senior Fellow
of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley,
and New York Times best-selling author.
To Learn More Visit:
www.RickHanson.net