FUR & GRRR: The Funniest Things People Have Said About DOGS
Hours of laughter for dog lovers! Laugh-out-loud humor from Dave Barry • Ellen DeGeneres • Jerry Seinfeld • The New Yorker • The Onion • Paula Poundstone • Steven Wright • Jay Leno • David Letterman • George Carlin • Rita Rudner • Bill Maher • Wanda Sykes • Erma Bombeck • Jeff Foxworthy — and many more. Plus hilarious tweets from folks like you. • Ellen DeGeneres tells you about her dogs’ intelligence — "I’m smarter than my dogs. Well, smarter than one of my dogs." • Dave Barry advises you on the best dog food for your dog — for starters, be sure you get “brown dog food." • Jerry Seinfeld observes: "On my block, a lot of people walk their dogs and I always see them walking along with their little poop bags. This, to me, is the lowest activity in human life. Following a dog with a little scooper.” • The Onion advises on “Choosing the Right Dog for You” — "First, decide which type of dog hair you want to stick to everything you own for the rest of your life.” • The Onion also offers tips for training your dog — including, "Start with simple commands like 'sit' before working your way up to the more complicated ones like 'fill the gaping void in my life.'" • The New Yorker talks about “Things I Want to Ask My Dog” — such as, "That time I came home and the garbage was all over the kitchen floor, and you acted like you couldn’t remember how it happened because you 'live in the moment,' did you actually remember? Be honest.” • Humorist Jack Handey advises: "Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you’re coming home his face might burn up.” And several hundred pages more. TO ORDER: Go to tinyurl.com/fur-grrr-dogs
Hours of laughter for dog lovers!
Laugh-out-loud humor from Dave Barry • Ellen DeGeneres • Jerry Seinfeld • The New Yorker • The Onion • Paula Poundstone • Steven Wright • Jay Leno • David Letterman • George Carlin • Rita Rudner • Bill Maher • Wanda Sykes • Erma Bombeck • Jeff Foxworthy — and many more. Plus hilarious tweets from folks like you.
• Ellen DeGeneres tells you about her dogs’ intelligence — "I’m smarter than my dogs. Well, smarter than one of my dogs."
• Dave Barry advises you on the best dog food for your dog — for starters, be sure you get “brown dog food."
• Jerry Seinfeld observes: "On my block, a lot of people walk their dogs and I always see them walking along with their little poop bags. This, to me, is the lowest activity in human life. Following a dog with a little scooper.”
• The Onion advises on “Choosing the Right Dog for You” — "First, decide which type of dog hair you want to stick to everything you own for the rest of your life.”
• The Onion also offers tips for training your dog — including, "Start with simple commands like 'sit' before working your way up to the more complicated ones like 'fill the gaping void in my life.'"
• The New Yorker talks about “Things I Want to Ask My Dog” — such as, "That time I came home and the garbage was all over the kitchen floor, and you acted like you couldn’t remember how it happened because you 'live in the moment,' did you actually remember? Be honest.”
• Humorist Jack Handey advises: "Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you’re coming home his face might burn up.”
And several hundred pages more.
TO ORDER: Go to tinyurl.com/fur-grrr-dogs
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10 QUIPPERY / FUR & GRRR
anaconda — the world’s biggest snake. This one was nearly 20 feet long,
longer than our boat, more than 500 pounds of muscle.
With anacondas, it’s not the bite you worry about — they don’t have
venom. They coil themselves around you and squeeze.
Anacondas, we’d been told, can hunt on land, taking down deer,
jaguars, antelopes. But they prefer hunting in the water.
This one, olive green, was coming straight at us, eyes high on its head,
its rippling muscular back shining wet in the sunlight.
The anaconda hit our boat straight on, hurtling us into the water.
To our astonishment, the massive snake kept on going — where, we
couldn’t tell.
Our relief was only momentary.
“Didn’t they tell us in the last village that there are piranhas in this
river?” one of us asked.
“They did. They stressed sharp teeth and powerful jaws.”
“And told us how, when one of their goats slipped into the water, it
was gone in a minute.”
We lost no time clambering toward shore, sensitive to whether flesh
was being removed from our skeletons. Up the bank we crawled, canoe in
tow, warm river water falling from our bodies.
We looked each other up and down. All musculature seemed intact.
“Brother,” one of us said, at length. “Is this really worth it?”
“Please don’t go there,” the other replied.
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