Think Like a Monk (Jay Shetty)

your marriage better unless you do so thoughtfully and productively. Judgment
creates an illusion: that if you see well enough to judge, then you must be better,
that if someone else is failing, then you must be moving forward. In fact, it is
careful, thoughtful observations that move us forward.
Stopping doesn’t mean simply shunning the negative instinct. Get closer to it.
Australian community worker Neil Barringham said, “The grass is greener where
you water it.” Notice what’s arousing your negativity, over there on your
frenemy’s side of the fence. Do they seem to have more time, a better job, a more
active social life? Because in the third step, swapping, you’ll want to look for seeds
of the same on your turf and cultivate them. For example, take your envy of
someone else’s social whirlwind and in it nd the inspiration to host a party, or
get back in touch with old friends, or organize an after-work get-together. It is
important to nd our signi cance not from thinking other people have it better
but from being the person we want to be.
Swap
After spotting and stopping the negativity in your heart, mind, and speech, you
can begin to amend it. Most of us monks were unable to completely avoid
complaining, comparing, and criticizing—and you can’t expect you’ll be
completely cured of that habit either—but researchers have found that happy
people tend to complain… wait for it… mindfully. While thoughtlessly venting
complaints makes your day worse, it’s been shown that writing in a journal about
upsetting events, giving attention to your thoughts and emotions, can foster
growth and healing, not only mentally, but also physically.
We can be mindful of our negativity by being speci c. When someone asks
how we are, we usually answer, “good,” “okay,” “ ne,” or “bad.” Sometimes this
is because we know a truthful, detailed answer is not expected or wanted, but we
tend to be equally vague when we complain. We might say we’re angry or sad
when we’re o ended or disappointed. Instead, we can better manage our feelings
by choosing our words carefully. Instead of describing ourselves as feeling angry,
sad, anxious, hurt, embarrassed, and happy, the Harvard Business Review lists
nine more speci c words that we could use for each one of these emotions.
Instead of being angry, we might better describe ourselves as annoyed, defensive,