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In my 30s and craves<br />
proper sex<br />
Dear Bunmi,<br />
IKNOW it sounds strange<br />
that at this time and age,<br />
there could be a virgin in her<br />
thirties, but that’s exactly what<br />
I am. I’m currently dating a<br />
man that’s a few years older<br />
than I am and it will be a<br />
matter of weeks for sex to be<br />
on the cards.<br />
In the meantime, we send<br />
each other steamy text<br />
messages on what we’d like<br />
to do to each other and we’ve<br />
even had oral sex.<br />
I’m, however, nervous about<br />
full penetration. I once tried<br />
sex with a previous boyfriend<br />
but he had trouble entering<br />
me, as I wasn’t fully relaxed<br />
or aroused. I am worried the<br />
same thing would happen<br />
with the new man.<br />
Please help!<br />
Kehinde, by e-mail.<br />
Dear Kehinde,<br />
The most important advice<br />
is to take this new<br />
relationship slowly. For you<br />
to be completely relaxed you<br />
need to trust and strike a<br />
rapport with this<br />
boyfriend. You don’t have to<br />
go straight for penetration,<br />
but get comfortable with<br />
intimate foreplay like oral sex<br />
and close body contact before<br />
taking the plunge. Worries<br />
about sex and penetration can<br />
make it difficult for your body<br />
to perform.<br />
According to sexologists, if<br />
the mind is occupied with<br />
My fiancée and my mum resent<br />
each other<br />
Dear Bunmi,<br />
IAM 29 years old, a fatherto-be<br />
and really looking<br />
forward to the arrival of my<br />
first child. But my happiness<br />
is marred by the fact that<br />
there is a major storm brewing<br />
and I don’t know how to get<br />
through it.<br />
The fact is my mum and my<br />
fiancée can’t stand the sight<br />
of each other. My mum is the<br />
domineering type and my<br />
woman would not allow her<br />
to stick her nose into how she<br />
runs the home. This hasn’t<br />
gone well with my mum, who<br />
thinks my fiancé is spoilt and<br />
snooty. She told me she would<br />
only see the baby when it’s<br />
born without my fiancée even<br />
being in the room. My girl is<br />
threatening to finish with me<br />
if I let this happen.<br />
Their feuding is threatening<br />
to ruin the whole event and<br />
it’s making me really<br />
depressed. I’ve tried to talk<br />
to my mum to explain how<br />
much all this is affecting me,<br />
but she just won’t listen to any<br />
reason. So, who should I try<br />
to make happy – my fiancée<br />
or my mum?<br />
Julius, by e-mail.<br />
Dear Julius,<br />
Who says it’s your job to keep<br />
people happy? If your mum<br />
and your fiancée want<br />
different things, it’s really up<br />
to them to sort it all out. After<br />
all, why should you end up<br />
being the one to suffer from<br />
their intolerance? Your best<br />
bet is to sit both of them down<br />
and tell them that if they’ve<br />
I miss my ex...can I tell him?<br />
Dear Bunmi,<br />
I<br />
RECENTLY made<br />
contact with an exboyfriend<br />
on Facebook. He<br />
was my first love – we were<br />
together for four years from<br />
the age of 17 to 21, until we<br />
had to go our separate ways<br />
to further our studies. I’m now<br />
36 and happily married with<br />
four lovely children. My ex<br />
also has a wife and a family. I<br />
often think about him but not<br />
in a romantic way, but as a<br />
potential good friend who I<br />
miss having in my life.<br />
Do you think it’s Ok for me<br />
to tell him this or, given our<br />
past, should I keep my<br />
thoughts to myself?<br />
Gladys, by e-mail.<br />
Dear Gladys,<br />
Don’t even go there! Even<br />
if your feelings are entirely<br />
innocent, you never know<br />
where they might lead.<br />
There’s no point revisiting<br />
them, the muscles of the<br />
vagina go into spasms when<br />
penetration is attempted – it<br />
is as though your body is<br />
protecting you. This is called<br />
vaginismus. You need to<br />
retrain your vagina muscles<br />
to relax if this seems to be your<br />
problem. A professional could<br />
put you through the routine.<br />
But if you think your worries<br />
are down to nerves, try to relax<br />
and maybe use a sex toy<br />
privately before you sleep<br />
with him. This way, you’ll be<br />
able to chase away any fear<br />
of pain before you get<br />
together.<br />
Finally, if you trust your<br />
man, you need to tell him<br />
about your fear. Sharing your<br />
concern will ease your nerves<br />
and you can gently build your<br />
new sex life together. Good<br />
luck.<br />
Your best bet is to sit both of them<br />
down and tell them that if they’ve<br />
got a problem, they should sort it<br />
out between themselves.<br />
Refuse to take side or put up with<br />
their quarrelling. The era of the<br />
dreaded mother-in-law is almost<br />
over. One of the women in your<br />
life is about to become a mum. The<br />
other, a grandma<br />
got a problem, they should<br />
sort it out between<br />
themselves.<br />
Refuse to take side or put up<br />
with<br />
their<br />
quarrelling. Instead, try and<br />
get them to realise that now<br />
the baby is on the way, they’ve<br />
got to pull themselves<br />
together once and for all.<br />
The era of the dreaded motherin-law<br />
is almost over. One of the<br />
women in your life is about to<br />
become a mum. The other, a<br />
grandma. So, they both really<br />
need to make up and start<br />
tolerating each other and now!<br />
the past. How would you feel<br />
if you found out your husband<br />
had been in touch with an ex?<br />
I expect you wouldn’t be<br />
thrilled and might read more<br />
into it than a conversation<br />
between two old friends.<br />
On the other hand, are you<br />
prepared to talk to your<br />
husband honestly about it, so<br />
there are no secrets or<br />
misunderstandings? If you<br />
don’t feel you can do that,<br />
then forget it!<br />
VANGU<br />
ANGUARD<br />
ARD, , WEDNESDAY, , SEPTEMBER 14, 2022 — 21<br />
Pregnant at 14!<br />
Dear Bunmi,<br />
I<br />
’VE just discovered that<br />
my eldest daughter, who<br />
is 14, is pregnant. I’ve<br />
always brought her up to<br />
know the importance of safe<br />
sex, in spite of whatever sex<br />
education she must have been<br />
taught in school. As to be<br />
expected, I am devastated. I<br />
didn’t even realise she and<br />
her boyfriend, 16, were having<br />
a sexual relationship. It<br />
seems unthinkable that he<br />
could become a mum when,<br />
only last year, she was still<br />
playing with her sister’s<br />
dolls!<br />
Bimpe, by e-mail.<br />
Dear Bimpe,<br />
At 14 your daughter is<br />
obviously not ready to be a<br />
He lied he no longer loved his<br />
wife<br />
Dear Bunmi,<br />
I<br />
’M 45 and a divorced<br />
mother of two teenage<br />
children. Three years ago, I<br />
met this man at a wedding and<br />
he told me straightaway he<br />
was a married man. Despite<br />
this we carried on seeing each<br />
other, as I felt safe with him,<br />
knowing the relationship<br />
wouldn’t go anywhere. He<br />
confided in me about his<br />
problems at home, saying the<br />
spark had gone out of his<br />
marriage and that he and his<br />
wife only had sex once in a<br />
blue moon. Later, however, I<br />
discovered that they’ve had<br />
another baby.<br />
We still carried on seeing<br />
each other because the sex<br />
was great. He then started<br />
going out with another single<br />
mother, and that was when I<br />
put a stop to his fleet-footing.<br />
But he won’t leave me alone.<br />
He phones me all the time<br />
and tells me if he were to leave<br />
his wife for anyone, I would<br />
mother and her boyfriend is<br />
hardly father material. You<br />
need to have a serious talk<br />
with her and your husband as<br />
to the best action to take. If<br />
abortion is one of the options,<br />
you need to know how far<br />
gone she is. If it’s not, then<br />
you have to decide whether<br />
to give up the baby for<br />
adoption or raise it yourself.<br />
Whatever happens, don’t<br />
make her feel it’s the end of<br />
the road for her. She has her<br />
future before her and can still<br />
live her dreams after she’s<br />
had her baby. This experience<br />
is bound to make her<br />
stronger. Make sure she has all<br />
the information she needs about<br />
every path open to<br />
her. Whatever she chooses to do,<br />
she’ll cope with you by her side.<br />
be the one. Quite frankly,<br />
he’s getting on my nerves.<br />
What should I do?<br />
Jumai, by e-mail.<br />
Dear Jumai,<br />
Your ex-lover was looking for<br />
a bit of fun, initially, and was<br />
unprepared for the fact that<br />
he’d ended up having real<br />
feelings for you. But that<br />
doesn’t alter the fact that he<br />
is a liar and a cheat. And<br />
while he may have two lovers<br />
on the go, there’s only one<br />
person who really matters to<br />
him – himself and his big ego.<br />
Well done for having the<br />
courage to end the<br />
relationship and for not<br />
crumbling under pressure. If<br />
you’re to have any hope on<br />
future happiness with a new<br />
partner, you must continue to<br />
be strong. You deserve better<br />
than to be strung along by a<br />
man who is nothing but an<br />
adventurer. Tell him you’ve<br />
really no feelings for him<br />
anymore and, if possible,<br />
invent a new lover!<br />
Did my husband father her child?<br />
Dear Bunmi,<br />
YEARS back, my<br />
husband had an affair<br />
with one of our daughter’s<br />
friends. The girl was married<br />
at the time, became pregnant<br />
and had a little girl who is<br />
now an adult.<br />
Over the years, this girl<br />
divorced her first husband,<br />
remarried, then divorced<br />
again. Now she lives with a<br />
new man who doesn’t know<br />
the type of tramp she is.<br />
My husband and I discussed<br />
her recently and wondered if the<br />
girl she had when they both had<br />
the affair could be his. Should<br />
we really try to find out?<br />
Susan, by e-mail.<br />
Dear Susan,<br />
What is there to find out? You<br />
may get a sense of grim<br />
satisfaction from exposing the<br />
woman who tried to steal your<br />
husband, but what about the<br />
other woman at the centre of<br />
it all – her daughter? How do<br />
you think she would react to<br />
riding out that the man she<br />
calls Dad might not be her<br />
father?<br />
What are you going to gain<br />
by digging up the past? If<br />
you still feel bitter and angry<br />
after all these years, you need<br />
to talk to your husband. A<br />
young woman’s future is at<br />
stake here, so keep your<br />
emotions in check before you<br />
go demanding tests. Your<br />
children might not even be on<br />
your side!<br />
Share your problems and release<br />
your burden. Write now to<br />
Dear Bunmi,<br />
Vanguard Newspapers,<br />
P.M.B 1007, Apapa, Lagos, or<br />
bunmsof@yahoo.co.uk