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In my 30s and craves<br />

proper sex<br />

Dear Bunmi,<br />

IKNOW it sounds strange<br />

that at this time and age,<br />

there could be a virgin in her<br />

thirties, but that’s exactly what<br />

I am. I’m currently dating a<br />

man that’s a few years older<br />

than I am and it will be a<br />

matter of weeks for sex to be<br />

on the cards.<br />

In the meantime, we send<br />

each other steamy text<br />

messages on what we’d like<br />

to do to each other and we’ve<br />

even had oral sex.<br />

I’m, however, nervous about<br />

full penetration. I once tried<br />

sex with a previous boyfriend<br />

but he had trouble entering<br />

me, as I wasn’t fully relaxed<br />

or aroused. I am worried the<br />

same thing would happen<br />

with the new man.<br />

Please help!<br />

Kehinde, by e-mail.<br />

Dear Kehinde,<br />

The most important advice<br />

is to take this new<br />

relationship slowly. For you<br />

to be completely relaxed you<br />

need to trust and strike a<br />

rapport with this<br />

boyfriend. You don’t have to<br />

go straight for penetration,<br />

but get comfortable with<br />

intimate foreplay like oral sex<br />

and close body contact before<br />

taking the plunge. Worries<br />

about sex and penetration can<br />

make it difficult for your body<br />

to perform.<br />

According to sexologists, if<br />

the mind is occupied with<br />

My fiancée and my mum resent<br />

each other<br />

Dear Bunmi,<br />

IAM 29 years old, a fatherto-be<br />

and really looking<br />

forward to the arrival of my<br />

first child. But my happiness<br />

is marred by the fact that<br />

there is a major storm brewing<br />

and I don’t know how to get<br />

through it.<br />

The fact is my mum and my<br />

fiancée can’t stand the sight<br />

of each other. My mum is the<br />

domineering type and my<br />

woman would not allow her<br />

to stick her nose into how she<br />

runs the home. This hasn’t<br />

gone well with my mum, who<br />

thinks my fiancé is spoilt and<br />

snooty. She told me she would<br />

only see the baby when it’s<br />

born without my fiancée even<br />

being in the room. My girl is<br />

threatening to finish with me<br />

if I let this happen.<br />

Their feuding is threatening<br />

to ruin the whole event and<br />

it’s making me really<br />

depressed. I’ve tried to talk<br />

to my mum to explain how<br />

much all this is affecting me,<br />

but she just won’t listen to any<br />

reason. So, who should I try<br />

to make happy – my fiancée<br />

or my mum?<br />

Julius, by e-mail.<br />

Dear Julius,<br />

Who says it’s your job to keep<br />

people happy? If your mum<br />

and your fiancée want<br />

different things, it’s really up<br />

to them to sort it all out. After<br />

all, why should you end up<br />

being the one to suffer from<br />

their intolerance? Your best<br />

bet is to sit both of them down<br />

and tell them that if they’ve<br />

I miss my ex...can I tell him?<br />

Dear Bunmi,<br />

I<br />

RECENTLY made<br />

contact with an exboyfriend<br />

on Facebook. He<br />

was my first love – we were<br />

together for four years from<br />

the age of 17 to 21, until we<br />

had to go our separate ways<br />

to further our studies. I’m now<br />

36 and happily married with<br />

four lovely children. My ex<br />

also has a wife and a family. I<br />

often think about him but not<br />

in a romantic way, but as a<br />

potential good friend who I<br />

miss having in my life.<br />

Do you think it’s Ok for me<br />

to tell him this or, given our<br />

past, should I keep my<br />

thoughts to myself?<br />

Gladys, by e-mail.<br />

Dear Gladys,<br />

Don’t even go there! Even<br />

if your feelings are entirely<br />

innocent, you never know<br />

where they might lead.<br />

There’s no point revisiting<br />

them, the muscles of the<br />

vagina go into spasms when<br />

penetration is attempted – it<br />

is as though your body is<br />

protecting you. This is called<br />

vaginismus. You need to<br />

retrain your vagina muscles<br />

to relax if this seems to be your<br />

problem. A professional could<br />

put you through the routine.<br />

But if you think your worries<br />

are down to nerves, try to relax<br />

and maybe use a sex toy<br />

privately before you sleep<br />

with him. This way, you’ll be<br />

able to chase away any fear<br />

of pain before you get<br />

together.<br />

Finally, if you trust your<br />

man, you need to tell him<br />

about your fear. Sharing your<br />

concern will ease your nerves<br />

and you can gently build your<br />

new sex life together. Good<br />

luck.<br />

Your best bet is to sit both of them<br />

down and tell them that if they’ve<br />

got a problem, they should sort it<br />

out between themselves.<br />

Refuse to take side or put up with<br />

their quarrelling. The era of the<br />

dreaded mother-in-law is almost<br />

over. One of the women in your<br />

life is about to become a mum. The<br />

other, a grandma<br />

got a problem, they should<br />

sort it out between<br />

themselves.<br />

Refuse to take side or put up<br />

with<br />

their<br />

quarrelling. Instead, try and<br />

get them to realise that now<br />

the baby is on the way, they’ve<br />

got to pull themselves<br />

together once and for all.<br />

The era of the dreaded motherin-law<br />

is almost over. One of the<br />

women in your life is about to<br />

become a mum. The other, a<br />

grandma. So, they both really<br />

need to make up and start<br />

tolerating each other and now!<br />

the past. How would you feel<br />

if you found out your husband<br />

had been in touch with an ex?<br />

I expect you wouldn’t be<br />

thrilled and might read more<br />

into it than a conversation<br />

between two old friends.<br />

On the other hand, are you<br />

prepared to talk to your<br />

husband honestly about it, so<br />

there are no secrets or<br />

misunderstandings? If you<br />

don’t feel you can do that,<br />

then forget it!<br />

VANGU<br />

ANGUARD<br />

ARD, , WEDNESDAY, , SEPTEMBER 14, 2022 — 21<br />

Pregnant at 14!<br />

Dear Bunmi,<br />

I<br />

’VE just discovered that<br />

my eldest daughter, who<br />

is 14, is pregnant. I’ve<br />

always brought her up to<br />

know the importance of safe<br />

sex, in spite of whatever sex<br />

education she must have been<br />

taught in school. As to be<br />

expected, I am devastated. I<br />

didn’t even realise she and<br />

her boyfriend, 16, were having<br />

a sexual relationship. It<br />

seems unthinkable that he<br />

could become a mum when,<br />

only last year, she was still<br />

playing with her sister’s<br />

dolls!<br />

Bimpe, by e-mail.<br />

Dear Bimpe,<br />

At 14 your daughter is<br />

obviously not ready to be a<br />

He lied he no longer loved his<br />

wife<br />

Dear Bunmi,<br />

I<br />

’M 45 and a divorced<br />

mother of two teenage<br />

children. Three years ago, I<br />

met this man at a wedding and<br />

he told me straightaway he<br />

was a married man. Despite<br />

this we carried on seeing each<br />

other, as I felt safe with him,<br />

knowing the relationship<br />

wouldn’t go anywhere. He<br />

confided in me about his<br />

problems at home, saying the<br />

spark had gone out of his<br />

marriage and that he and his<br />

wife only had sex once in a<br />

blue moon. Later, however, I<br />

discovered that they’ve had<br />

another baby.<br />

We still carried on seeing<br />

each other because the sex<br />

was great. He then started<br />

going out with another single<br />

mother, and that was when I<br />

put a stop to his fleet-footing.<br />

But he won’t leave me alone.<br />

He phones me all the time<br />

and tells me if he were to leave<br />

his wife for anyone, I would<br />

mother and her boyfriend is<br />

hardly father material. You<br />

need to have a serious talk<br />

with her and your husband as<br />

to the best action to take. If<br />

abortion is one of the options,<br />

you need to know how far<br />

gone she is. If it’s not, then<br />

you have to decide whether<br />

to give up the baby for<br />

adoption or raise it yourself.<br />

Whatever happens, don’t<br />

make her feel it’s the end of<br />

the road for her. She has her<br />

future before her and can still<br />

live her dreams after she’s<br />

had her baby. This experience<br />

is bound to make her<br />

stronger. Make sure she has all<br />

the information she needs about<br />

every path open to<br />

her. Whatever she chooses to do,<br />

she’ll cope with you by her side.<br />

be the one. Quite frankly,<br />

he’s getting on my nerves.<br />

What should I do?<br />

Jumai, by e-mail.<br />

Dear Jumai,<br />

Your ex-lover was looking for<br />

a bit of fun, initially, and was<br />

unprepared for the fact that<br />

he’d ended up having real<br />

feelings for you. But that<br />

doesn’t alter the fact that he<br />

is a liar and a cheat. And<br />

while he may have two lovers<br />

on the go, there’s only one<br />

person who really matters to<br />

him – himself and his big ego.<br />

Well done for having the<br />

courage to end the<br />

relationship and for not<br />

crumbling under pressure. If<br />

you’re to have any hope on<br />

future happiness with a new<br />

partner, you must continue to<br />

be strong. You deserve better<br />

than to be strung along by a<br />

man who is nothing but an<br />

adventurer. Tell him you’ve<br />

really no feelings for him<br />

anymore and, if possible,<br />

invent a new lover!<br />

Did my husband father her child?<br />

Dear Bunmi,<br />

YEARS back, my<br />

husband had an affair<br />

with one of our daughter’s<br />

friends. The girl was married<br />

at the time, became pregnant<br />

and had a little girl who is<br />

now an adult.<br />

Over the years, this girl<br />

divorced her first husband,<br />

remarried, then divorced<br />

again. Now she lives with a<br />

new man who doesn’t know<br />

the type of tramp she is.<br />

My husband and I discussed<br />

her recently and wondered if the<br />

girl she had when they both had<br />

the affair could be his. Should<br />

we really try to find out?<br />

Susan, by e-mail.<br />

Dear Susan,<br />

What is there to find out? You<br />

may get a sense of grim<br />

satisfaction from exposing the<br />

woman who tried to steal your<br />

husband, but what about the<br />

other woman at the centre of<br />

it all – her daughter? How do<br />

you think she would react to<br />

riding out that the man she<br />

calls Dad might not be her<br />

father?<br />

What are you going to gain<br />

by digging up the past? If<br />

you still feel bitter and angry<br />

after all these years, you need<br />

to talk to your husband. A<br />

young woman’s future is at<br />

stake here, so keep your<br />

emotions in check before you<br />

go demanding tests. Your<br />

children might not even be on<br />

your side!<br />

Share your problems and release<br />

your burden. Write now to<br />

Dear Bunmi,<br />

Vanguard Newspapers,<br />

P.M.B 1007, Apapa, Lagos, or<br />

bunmsof@yahoo.co.uk

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