Visage – Spring/Summer 2023

SPRING/SUMMER 2023
dads and Mums
Earlier this year (2023) we did a masterclass on the theme
of wellbeing. In February we were doing stuff around trauma
and the lead instructor (Nigel) used word association to
gauge our emotional responses when certain words are used.
Anita Adejori
After 20 minutes of lively discussion,
Nigel projected the word ‘dad’ on
screen. We were then encouraged to
shout out the first word that came to
mind. At first the response was calm,
then someone used a nasty word and
the storm followed, other responses
were equally obscene. I don’t know
what the lesson plan was meant to
be, but Nigel just allowed it to flow
and we flowed way beyond our scheduled
finishing time.
For those who don’t know much
about EYLA, my guess would be that
eight out of ten young leaders live
with a single mum and many have a
difficult or non-existent relationship
with their dad. I do not have my biological
father living in my home. In
fact he’s hardly ever even mentioned
in our house. This came to life for me
during the masterclass because for
the first time I had to consider what I
didn’t know in my everyday life – the
experience of having a dad around
and active. What am I missing? Isn’t
mum enough? What about my uncles;
aren’t they good enough substitutes?
As the conversation developed the
main battle was about ‘what is a dad
for and can single mums successfully
raise boys into men?’
I don’t know what it’s like to have
a male presence (dad) regularly in
the home. For the last 14 years his
absence has never seemed a big deal
or so I thought. Following our masterclass
I found myself thinking ‘what is
it like to have two incomes or an extra
babysitter?’ I know that two parents
don’t automatically make things
better but it does seem to make sense
to have extra support.
I’m sure very few people can say
they do it all by themselves. Everyone
needs help, but from our seminar, it
surely doesn’t help going it alone.
In my family I think mum had no
choice about splitting with my dad,
but the consequences are big. As
me and my siblings grow up I notice
that my mum is getting older and
tired. She works hard and long hours
(sometimes nights). When it comes
to raising us she is not as fierce as
she was and doesn’t have the same
energy. Is this when trouble comes
calling?
People often use the phrase ‘strong
black woman’. Most women I know,
black and white, are strong – they
have to be, and we are constantly
having to redefine ourselves in ever
changing circumstances.
Despite her many gifts and skills
the dad-gap is difficult to fill because
apart from financial things and emotional
support I carry his DNA; it is a
blueprint that needs a guide
and I don’t have one!
II For those who
don’t know
much about
EYLA, my guess
would be that
eight out of ten
young leaders
live with a single
mum and most
have a difficult
or non-existent
relationship with
their dad.
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