OON Issue 319 - February 2010 - Wollombi Valley Online

Santa’s alleged indiscretions
Community news for Wollombi and surrounding districts
Issue 319 - Our Own News - February 2010
The headline of the ‘Washington Post’ newspaper screamed for
attention - ‘Santa’s sleigh badly damaged – Christmas deliveries
in doubt’ Carl Bernstein, iconic Washington reporter, visited the
North Pole to file this story.
A disgruntled helper elf, turned whistle-blower, said that Mrs
Claus had attacked the sleigh with a sledge hammer following
disclosure of Santa’s infidelity with Cinderella. There are even
suggestions that Santa may have taken advantage of Little Red
Riding Hood.
‘I totally reject these scurrilous claims’ Santa is reported to have
said at an Arctic press conference. ‘This is all an Islamic extremist
plot to discredit Christmas’.
Now Snow White has appeared on the Oprah Winfrey Show to
claim a longstanding affair with Santa. ‘Not true’ says Santa ‘I
never had sex with that woman’. (who said that before) ‘She and
those seven dwarfs for years have tried to wrest the Christmas
toy-making contract from me.’ ‘I implore all men and women of
goodwill to look behind these outrageous allegations and to see
them for what they are’
Rupert Murdoch’s News Limited group declined to run this story
as he has been a lifelong believer in Santa Claus, having received
everything he ever wanted all his life. Time magazine will still be
running with Santa’s photo on the cover of its end of year
edition, saying that Santa has done more for world peace than
Barack Obama, who got the Nobel Prize for goodness knows
what! Unless it was for the best smile in International politics.
The head of Volvo Sweden, a major sponsor of Santa’s, being
close to the North Pole, is standing by Santa, and is guaranteeing
to repair the sleigh in time for Christmas.
From Copenhagen, Kevin Rudd, in a ten page, ambiguous and
convoluted press release, has added cautious support for Santa.
He asked Mrs Claus to be forgiving, like John Della Bosca’s wife.
‘After all’, Mr Rudd said, ‘Santa was one of the first to notice that
the polar ice-cap is receding. And from his annual global
deliveries, he has a ‘reindeers’ eye view of the negative effects of
climate change.’
Tony Abbott, in his usual earthy style, simply commented on
Santa’s alleged dalliances that ‘Boys will be boys, and not to
confuse the Santa issue with all this global warming stuff’
Hillary Clinton was approached but declined to comment.
More information is expected to become public in the ensuing
days, when Santa least needs this distraction.
Carols at St John’s
Where does the song go
After it’s been sung
It becomes part of the Christmas
Of our memories
Until next year
When Allegra returns
haiku
a gift
at Christmas
Allegra’s carols
Mike Burdett
Ben obol Electrical
Lic No. 161665C
Domestic, Commercial &
Industrial Installation,
Maintenance & Breakdown Service
Ph: 4998 1659
Mob: 0405 121 282
● Licenced Builder and Carpenter
● Contract works
● Home Owners Warranty Insurance
● All other insurances
Butterworth Building creates unique new
homes to suit your personal style and
comfort along with additions/alterations
to existing residences, decks and alike.
Please do not hesitate to contact this
office for your quote.
LAGUNA ROCKS!!!
Check out
www.lagunawinebar.com.au
02 4998 8244
We've got Accoustic Jam Fri 29 Jan
Dennis Boys Band Fri 5 Feb (back by popular demand)
Musos Jam Session Fri 12 feb
Segafredo Coffee and Pastries,
Home-made Pizza/Pasta anytime.
6