Am I glowing? Stop digging Tastes like…art Winning streak
Am I glowing? Stop digging Tastes like…art Winning streak
Am I glowing? Stop digging Tastes like…art Winning streak
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20<br />
Courtesy<br />
Wingspan<br />
a&e<br />
February 11, 2013<br />
wingspan.lccc.wy.edu<br />
Rooney’s Reviews<br />
Director: Tommy Wirkola<br />
Starring:<br />
Jeremy Renner<br />
Gemma Arterton<br />
Peter Stormare<br />
Rooney’s<br />
Rating<br />
D +<br />
‘Hansel and Gretel’ takes<br />
candy from strangers<br />
By Matt Rooney<br />
Contributing Writer<br />
Anyone who likes happiness would think a movie<br />
that involves candy houses, lots of leather, Hawkeye and<br />
buckets of blood would be a campy thrill ride, inducing<br />
plenty of bubble gum smiles. But soon after watching<br />
“Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters” that thought would<br />
be as stupid as entering a van with a creepy bloke inside<br />
who offered candy…wait, that’s not right…or is it?<br />
Though the similarities between the old and new<br />
cautionary tales for children are astounding, this movie<br />
was a different take on the Grimm tale about two<br />
children lost in the woods who get captured by a witch<br />
in a house made of candy. In this version, they brutally<br />
murder the witch without hesitation and turn it into a<br />
profession.<br />
It was considered a “new take” on an “old classic,” but<br />
really anything would be. It could be a complex drama<br />
in which they become activists who boycott Snickers<br />
or even a fun teen comedy. I could not stop thinking of<br />
ways it can be “fresh.”<br />
Now the best part about writing this review was all<br />
the problems fall under the same roof and had the same<br />
effect: A movie with this kind of title has zero creativity<br />
or spark, and I could not stop thinking of ways it could.<br />
Everything from the story about witches stealing<br />
children for a cult gathering, the name of the event (the<br />
Blood Moon Gathering) to the costumes, dialog, plot<br />
points and cleavage were ripped from other horror/action<br />
films and an 11-year-old boy’s wet dream.<br />
Sitting there, my brain focused less on the screen and<br />
more on all the aspects that could’ve made the movie<br />
betters: less leather, less high-tech weaponry, more<br />
humor, scarier witches, less ancillary-but-still –stickaround<br />
characters, maybe more of a Western vibe. I<br />
could not stop thinking of ways it could’ve been better.<br />
This was all on top of the fact the two leads, Hansel<br />
(Jeremy Renner) and Gretel (Gemma Arterton), who<br />
were both game, were just too doltish to be likable. They<br />
were horrible at their job as I watched them get beat up<br />
even fighting one witch. Even any sort of deductive reasoning<br />
was whittled to blunt a statement. Jeff Goldblum<br />
in “Independence Day” even started somewhere. He<br />
couldn’t not stop thinking of ways to kill aliens.<br />
Like any bad movie review, this could go on forever.<br />
Just know there were no bubble gum smiles, too much<br />
leather, hardly any candy houses, and I really wished<br />
Hansel would just pick up a bow. It’s funny how cautionary<br />
tales for kids can easily become ones for adults.<br />
Check out our website<br />
for more Rooney’s Reviews<br />
www.wingspan.lccc.wy.edu/RooneyReviews.html<br />
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