PeterWatts_Blindsight

Peter Watts 288 Blindsight
get involved."
"You might even read it off me directly."
"That's why you—" I shook my head. "I thought that was
because we were meat."
"That too," Sarasti admitted, and looked right at me.
For the first time, I looked right back. And felt a shock of
recognition.
I still wonder why I never saw it before. For all those years I
remembered the thoughts and feelings of some different, younger
person, some remnant of the boy my parents had hacked out of my
head to make room for me. He'd been alive. His world had been
vibrant. And though I could call up the memories of that other
consciousness, I could barely feel anything within the constraints
of my own.
Perhaps dreamstate wasn't such a bad word for it…
"Like to hear a vampire folk tale?" Sarasti asked.
"Vampires have folk tales?"
He took it for a yes. "A laser is assigned to find the darkness.
Since it lives in a room without doors, or windows, or any other
source of light, it thinks this will be easy. But everywhere it turns
it sees brightness. Every wall, every piece of furniture it points at
is brightly lit. Eventually it concludes there is no darkness, that
light is everywhere."
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"Amanda is not planning a mutiny."
"What? You know about—"
"She doesn't even want to. Ask her if you like."
"No—I—"
"You value objectivity."
It was so obvious I didn't bother answering.
He nodded as if I had. "Synthesists can't have opinions of their
own. So when you feel one, it must be someone else's. The crew
holds you in contempt. Amanda wants me relieved of command.
Half of us is you. I think the word is project. Although,"—he
cocked his head a bit to one side—"lately you improve. Come."
"Where?"
"Shuttle bay. Time to do your job."