Pitch, Please! - World Adult Kickball Association

Kick in 

REVIEW 

C A H o l l y w o o d D i v i s i o n | S u m m e r 2 0 0 9 | W e e k T w o 

Pitch, Please! 

With a wardrobe change and some roster tweaks, Pitch, Please! 

is poised to topple the Wood. If their 14-0 rousting of the 

Ballsheviks this week is any indicator, I’d say they’re looking 

pretty good...

What’s Inside 

Coming on strong but are they too Sexy for those shirts, too Sexy for 

those shirts, so Sexy it hurts...(wow, the editor is really reaching this week) 

S U M M E R 2 0 0 9 | W E E K T W O I S S U E 

3 CRITICAL ANNOUNCEMENT 

4 Season Schedule 

5 About the Vice Prez 

6 Holly Conference Standings 

7 Happenings in the Holly 

10 Team Spotlight: Team Sexy Pants 

11 Wood Conference Standings 

12 Happenings in the Wood 

15 Team Spotlight: Pitch, Please! 

16 Power Rankings 

17 Brandon Lang’s Weekly Picks 

19 Week Two Challenge Winner 

21 Week Three Challenge 

22 The Leaderboard 

23 Fantasy Kickball 

24 Get on to the Messageboards 

* EDITOR’S NOTE: Thank you so much to everyone 

for supplying photos the past two weeks.

CRITICAL ANNOUNCEMENT 

Due to Parks & Rec contacting WAKA once last year and once already this 

season, both this league and the Tinseltown league are now operating on a 

NO-TOLERANCE ALCOHOL POLICY!!! 

The rules will now apply to all WAKA players at Poinsettia Park, and both 

league's field permits are at stake if we foul up again. 

FIRST OFFENSE - If anyone, or any team, is spotted with alcohol (before, 

during or even AFTER their game), including any team FANS in the stands too, 

THE TEAM THEY REPRESENT WILL GET A REGULAR GAME FORFEIT for that 

week (regardless if their game's already started or even if it's been 

completed)... AND they will receive an additional paper forfeit for their 

next game, provided there's no alcohol. (They WILL be allowed to play that 

game, however.) Those individuals in violation must leave the premises as well. 

SECOND OFFENSE - Any team member or team spotted with alcohol 

(before, during or after their game), including any team fans in the stands, 

will be expelled from the current season. 

It is now vital to keep anything you DO decide to bring to the field 

100% undetectable if a board member or a parks & rec guy comes up to you. 

If not, then the fates of two entire leagues may be at stake. 

If we're reprimended one more time, WE WILL LOSE 

THE RIGHT TO PLAY AT POINSETTIA PARK!! And obviously 

nobody wants that, especially right in the middle of the season.

Season Schedule 

Your team 

will need 

to provide 

at least two 

umps for 

the game 

you are 

scheduled. 

Please do your best to start all games on time. It’s not fun 

when the lights go out because the games started late. 

June 15th 

TIME 7:15 8:15 9:15 

FIELD Field #1 Field #2 Field #1 Field #2 Grass Field #1 Field #2 Grass 

TEAMS BALL-BW LL-PP APR-LOS SKG-BND SP-RON SA-SF POD-PF CS-FR 

REFS APR SKG BALL POD CS LOS BND RON 

BAG LOS POD FR 

June 22nd 

TIME 7:15 8:15 9:15 


TEAMS LL-CS SKG-SP SF-PF PP-FR SA-POD BW-LOS BND-RON BALL-APR 

REFS SF FR LOS SKG BALL PF PP SA 

BAG BW PP BALL 

June 29th 

TIME 7:15 8:15 9:15 


TEAMS SF-BW PF-LOS APR-POD SKG-LL SA-BALL SP-CS RON-FR BND-PP 

REFS APR LL BW RON CS POD SA SKG 

BAG CS RON BND 

July 6th 

TIME 7:15 8:15 9:15 


TEAMS SF-RON SKG-POD SA-PF APR-LL BND-SP BW-FR BALL-LOS PP-CS 

REFS SA BND RON BALL CS PF LL SP 

BAG FR LOS PP 

July 13th 

TIME 7:15 8:15 9:15 


TEAMS SA-RON BALL-FR SF-SP PP-APR LL-LOS BND-POD BW-CS SKG-PF 

REFS SP PP CS BW FR SF LL LOS 

BAG BND BW SKG 

July 20th 

TIME 7:15 8:15 9:15 


TEAMS PP-LOS BND-PF LL-FR SA-SP SF-POD BALL-CS SKG-RON BW-APR 

REFS POD SA LOS RON BW FR SP POD

about the vice prez 

Suffering from post-root canal pain disorder, Heide still shows 

us a little of that wit and charm...and a couple other things... 

Full Name: Heidemarie Anne Preiss 

DOB: Feb 9, 1982 

Where were you born: Morristown, NJ 

Hometown: Tallahassee, FL 

Kick in Review: So, as VP, you're pretty much just waiting for Max to die. What's your grand scheme? 

Is there anything we should know? Should Max invest in Kevlar jackets? 

Heide Preiss: I think that Kevlar would definitely be in Max’s best interest. (I will let you all in on a 

little secret- I have machine gun jubblies.) While Max is screaming at his base runners in blue, he 

might just get shot in the back. But, don’t worry; I’ll blame it on a tranny. 

KIR: I know you wanted the black jerseys, but Team Sexy Pants managed to swipe it first. Have 

you considered a winner take all Black Jersey exhibition match? I think I can arrange that. 

HP: Yes, sadly I didn’t get the memo that Chuck Norris wasn’t playing until too late, so I 

didn’t know black was up for grabs. But, since Kevin Fisher and I allegedly were destined 

for a great love affair according to a previous season’s KIR, I will let them have it. However, I 

wouldn’t mind an exhibition mud wrestling match against them. Our team stands behind Jeremy, "Pig Pen" 

Smith. The dirt is his sanctuary. 

KIR: So over the past few seasons, your team has gone from the Bouncin' Rubbers and the Wang-a-Tangs to the 

Bouncin' Wangs and now, this season's spin-off, The Steamers of Cleveland. Don't you feel dirty seeing them all 

listed together like that? (I know I do.)How does it feel to be associated with the X-Rated Brady Bunch? 

HP: I think that our next team name should in fact BE the X-Rated Brady Bunch! Maybe we could get an offer to do 

a racy film and bring adult kickball the attention it deserves. No, in all 

seriousness, I think that while some might underestimate us and just 

write us off as the rowdy kids that are the last to leave the bar, the joke 

is on the rest you. We are slowly going to infiltrate every team in the 

league. Pretty soon Johnny the Cowboy will be pitching for the Sofa 

Kings and they will just be called F#&K Your Couch! 

KIR: You're a legitimate manager on the sidelines: pacing up and down, shouting out plays, generally laying down the 

law. Would you ever consider getting yourself thrown out of a game in order to galvanize your team? 

HP: I don’t think that I would intentionally get kicked out if it were a close game. However, if Todd Hardy was still in 

the league, I would consider doing a Bobby Bouche on his ass and spearing him from across the field. 

KIR: Do you have any pre-game rituals? 

HP: For pre-game we usually just warm-up a little, have a couple VERY well concealed 

beverages, and huddle up and put our hands in as Matt Weed screams out incoherent 

nonsense that cracks as up. Then we take the field. 

KIR: Any strategies against the Ballsheviks next week? (Don't worry. They don't read this.) 

HP: Next week’s game is going to be crucial for us. We had the bad fortune of having two very tough teams 

for our first two games and it is time for us to put up a W. Kevin and I are going to have to rethink some 

things and write a “can’t beat” lineup. Don’t worry, Tom, I will be ready for your giant pop fly in the outfield ;) 

KIR: What's your take on the Israeli/Palestinian conflict? Just kidding. Favorite drinking game? 

HP: I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but I am kind of the best beer pong player that has ever 

lived. I have thrown a couple of perfect games, which once prompted an angry guy to throw a 

ping pong ball at my head and storm out of the bar. Beer pong at Wangs is actually how Joe 

(our gangster shortstop) and I met. We share a love of alcohol. Aww. 

KIR: Which reminds me: What are you drinking? 

HP: I am a captain and coke girl. But redbull and vodka, or a col’ beer are just so good once they hit your lips.

Standings Week Two • Summer 2009 

1 

2 

3 

4 

5 

6 

7 

8 

Sofa King Good 

Wins: 2 Loses: 0 Ties: 0 Forfeits: 0 Points: 4 

RF: 36 RA: 2 Diff: +34 

The Balls ‘N Dolls 


RF: 10 RA: 3 Diff: +7 

Team Sexy Pants 


RF: 6 RA: 3 Diff: +3 

The Ron Bungundies 


RF: 7 RA: 5 Diff: +2 

Ponies of Death 


RF: 3 RA: 6 Diff: -3 

The Pussyfooters 


RF: 5 RA: 7 Diff: -2 

The Savage Freds 


RF: 2 RA: 18 Diff: -16 

Stewie’s Assassins 


RF: 3 RA: 28 Diff: -25

Happenings in the Holly 

Dolls Drop Their Balls into 

Stewie’s Ass-assin 

There once was a team of assassins 

who were looking for a role to be cast in 

They came to play 

The win slipped away 

But alcohol drinking they're never last in. 

3 seasons ago Balls were rookies 

The big leaguers left us gookie 

But better we got 

Learned to hit the spot 

And now gave Stewie our cookies 

At the top of the first, the Balls scored 5 

Solid kicking kept the inning alive 

We scored on a walk 

Lined their bodies in chalk 

Hacked their precious hopes with knives 

Yellow was able score for the stink 

A comeback is what they did think 

Balls played d 

Yelled, "s my p" 

And scored two more for the pink 

Fiery temper flaired again 

Even though we had locked the win 

The ref did lie 

Whitman did cry 

Then sat on his thumb to spin 

Rookies made the game intense 

Deana scored with blistering sprints 

Tami cheated 

Andy skeeted 

Gioe loves Sixth Sense 

Great play for the Dolls all around 

Athleticism definitely abounds 

We are BnD 

Bring on SKG 

We'll see who else we astound. 

Keys to the game: 

Nate "Princess" Daniels - 2 for 2, 1 run, 

(2 would-be RKIs) 

Kale "Yelp is my homeboy" Bittner - 2 for 2, 

2 runs, 1 foulout 

Jason "Gramps" Benoit - 1 run, 2 RKIs 

Andy "Call me consistent" Walsh - 2 for 2 on 

the night, just missing the chance to score. 

Deana "Bunts on Fire" Duvall - 1st run ever 

Anthony "Touching butts isn't cool? I 

don't know, I'm the new guy" Gioe - double, 

(1 would-be run) 

Das Boot 

Champions 

and That is All 

That Matters! 

The Assassins took the field on Monday 

night ready to dominate the pantless 

pink team. It didn't happen, but we claim 

it only didn't happen because we were 

holding out to dominate 'Das Boot! And so 

we did! A loss on the field but a win at the 

bar, and really... that is all that matters. 

Good plays were made by both teams, 

and nothing will replace the cartwheel by 

Lucho "The Gymnast" Euribe, over homeplate 

for our only run of the night. Congrats 

to the Balls 'n Dolls for a good game, and 

thanks to the Pussyfooters and Max Lucas 

for reffing. We look forward to meeting 

the Savage Freds next Monday! 

Score: Balls ‘N Dolls 7, 

Stewie’s 1


Sofa Kings Draw Blood 

in Punishing Victory 

For the second straight week the Savage Freds played 

the role of Daniel Day Lewis (no, I don't mean his role 

from "My Left Foot"), in “There Will Be Blood” (courtesy 

of a bone crushing collision between Kimberly Richey 

and Erin Schlusinger.) Unfortunately, once again, there 

will not be a win. Last week we used the Three Star system 

to recap the game against Stewie’s Assassins. This 

week we will use a mock draft in honor of Tuesday and 

Wednesday’s amateur baseball draft. Draft order will be 

determined by the reverse rankings by Jeff Sagarin. 

1. STEWIE’S ASSASSINS - SHERM INATOR - FIRST BASE - After 

watching him collect 6 RKI against them, he followed up that 

performance with 2 more hits and an RKI. His First Base skills 

will come in handy for a team that struggles to catch the ball. 

Analysis - Could have gone with just about anybody, as any SKG 

player would instantly become the best player on this team. 

2. LOS LOCOS - ELLIOT HASSAN - PITCHER/CATCHER - Yes, he goes 

both ways. Arguably the best catcher in the league, gives the 

Locos a pitcher to replace the departed Al Faree. Hassan tossed a 

shutout inning while knocking in one and scoring another in his 

first action of the season. 

Analysis - Gives them a chance to develop a pitcher or a catcher. 

3. STEAMERS OF CLEVELAND - EVAN HASSAN - LEFTFIELDER/PITCHER - 

A top of the order presence for a team that failed to score in its 

debut. Hassan leads the team in runs scored and wins. 

Analysis - Check out his numbers the last two seasons. Arguably the 

best kicker in the league. 

4. PUSSYFOOTERS - MAX LUCAS - PITCHER/SHORTSTOP/CATCHER - 

Versatility and leadership are his trademarks. Has managed teams 

to four straight undefeated seasons while the Pussyfooters are 

searching for their first win in two seasons. 

Analysis - Maybe a slight overdraft based on talent, but possesses 

the intangibles of a champion. 

5. SAVAGE FREDS - SHAWN LUCAS - SHORTSTOP - Maybe the steal of 

the draft. Hollywood rookie is batting .1000 with 4 runs and 4 RKI. 

His arm at shortstop is also getting him some press. His bases loaded 

double plated two against these Savages. 

Analysis - Only beginning to scratch the surface of his talents. 

6. THE ARTISTS FORMERLYKNOWN AS - RYAN MURPHY - OUTFIELD - 

Team could use a boost at the top of the order. Murphy is the SKG 

career leader in kicking average and ranks among the leaders in 

homeruns. Assumed the coveted leadoff spot for Sofa King this 

season and has scored three and knocked in three. 

Analysis - Happy to land this type of consistency in the six spot. 

7. BALLSHEVIKS - COCO EISELE AND ALLISON STONE - 

OUTFIELD/PITCHER AND UTILITY - A package deal due to their longstanding 

relationship. This team lacks pitching depth and Coco 

hasn't given up a run in 13 innings, all of them in the fifth. His 

speed and defensive would be an asset to any team, despite his 0-2 

performance Monday. Stone makes her return to the blue giving 

the purple team much needed experience and savvy, not to mention 

3 hits in two games. 

Analysis - Two for the price of one is never a bad thing. 

8. RON BURGUNDY - JIMMY LANSING - SHORTSTOP/OUTFIELD - 

Perhaps the fastest guy on Sofa King, complements a team without 

burners outside of Cortney. Lansing has 4 RKI on the young season. 

Analysis - Could have gone with his sister instead, but made the 

safe choice. 

9. TEAM SEXY PANTS - NATE CASWELL- OUTFIELD/PITCHER - Dream 

season continues with 5 RKI on the heels of his 3 run scored game in 

week 1. This guy is coming into his own and would be an asset to the 

young Pants team. 

Analysis - Has steadily improved over the last few seasons. Prime 

breakout candidate 

10. BOUNCING WANGS - AMY PARTOVICH - SECOND BASE - 

Really taking to the seventh spot in the order. Already renown for 

her defense, has been SKG's most consistent lady for two seasons 

running. Scored in both games this season. 

Analysis- First lady off the board, but the lady talent pool is deep. 

11. PONIES OF DEATH - JOSH BRIEST - OUTFIELD - Will definitely fit in 

with their extracurricular activities. Rumor has it that several other 

Campbell Hall alums are on this roster. Has 4 hits, 2 runs and 2 RKI 

on the season. 

Analysis - Relative youth leaves room for improvement. 

12. PITCH, PLEASE - MARISSA LEFTON - INFIELD - On a team that 

wears more baseball pants then Aaron Gershman, Lefton will fit right 

in. Has executed three picture perfect slides in two games. 

Analysis - Brings the whole package to the table, speed, defense, 

and hustle. 

13. BALLS N' DOLLS - KIMBERLY RICHEY - OUTFIELD - Has played on 

two Pink teams in her career. In fact has captained one of them, and 

both are reigning champions of their divisions. This is an easy pick 

given her improving skills and two RKI on the season. 

Analysis - Great defender with improving plate discipline. 

14. ANNEXATION OF PUERTO RICO - TRACI ADLER - OUTFIELD - On a 

team in dire need of female speed, Adler is the perfect pick. Her two 

hits and two runs scored in her return from a foot injury really added 

a spark to Sofa King on Monday. 

Analysis - There is no substitute for speed. 

15. LITTLE LEBOWSKI - TRACY LANSING - UTILITY - Known for her 

speed and socks. Has 4 runs scored on the season. The Lebowskis 

would be thrilled to add another USC alum to the roster. 

Analysis - Winning personality might be a bigger asset than the on 

base skills. 

16. SOFA KING GOOD - JH - OUTFIELD - The longest tenured Sofa 

King player. A team that believes in history wants to keep its roots. 

The team just isn’t the same without his infectious smile. 

Analysis - Who else would you want to build a franchise around?


We’ve Got a Bleeder! 

The “Bloody” Savage Freds almost pulled off a huge Hollywood 

upset Monday night with another nail-biter against the Sofa 

Kings -- Final Score: Freds 0, Sofa Kings 327. The Sofa Kings (or 

Lakers to our Clippers), proved once again that being the children 

of Zeus, King of Gods and Ruler of Olympus, has its perks. With 

a thunderstorm of SK scoring raining down in the first three 

innings, the Freds’ Erin “The Bull” Shulsinger stopped playing 

harder, and started playing smarter by using her head… literally. 

Erin head-butted the SK base runner with a Swayze-esque move 

a la Roadhouse. Rumors circulate that she muttered, “I am the 

Law” before wrapping a t-shirt around her bloody noggin. It was 

obvious the Sofa Kings were shaken as they went on to score 

only 46 more runs in the last two innings. If pints of blood lost 

during league play equaled runs, the Freds would have scored 

about 1.5 more runs, which I’m confident would have rounded 

up to 2. Which Fred will make the sacrifice next week? 

Score: Sofa King 15, Savage Freds 0 

Pants Show That Sexy Does Go a Long Way 

Even though the "new kickball team" 

smell is starting to wear off, Team Sexy 

Pants is still blemish free after beating the 

Pussyfooters Monday night. In a reversal of 

last weeks fortunes, TSP won the RoShamBo 

and took the home field advantage. The advantage 

disappeared when the number one 

kicker for Pussy sky balled a shot, just barely 

over the fingertips of TSP. But barely over 

the fingertips can sometimes be as good as 

way over the fingertips. Lead off home run. 

Seems like I heard about something like this 

happening last week...After the early fireworks, 

things returned to normal with TSP 

gobblin up some bunts here and some fly 

balls there. With Sexy Pants first ups they 

got down to business. Man bunting the first 

two Sexy's on base and then a perfect Sac 

bunt down first by Brian "I don't need to get 

on base this time, to be Sexy" Armour, this 

got the base runners in position; for David "I 

gots some long arms" Binns to rope a hard 

double down the third base line. When the 

dusk settled, David had his double and 2 

Sexy players had scored. The next kicker for 

TSP was Joanne "TSP? More like Team Joanne 

Verbos Pants" Verbos, she laid down a perfect 

first base line bunt...sacrificed herself 

and David came in to score run number three 

for the Sexy ones. 

There was some defensive stands from 

both teams the remainder of the game. 

With some solid pitching on both sides, (I 

remember TSP stuff more vividly ) David 

wrung up two more Ks, bringing his total to 

3 on the season for TSP. The score stuck to 

3-1 until a top of the forth and a push by 

the atomic green team. Some crafty running 

and a timely error by the Sexy Pants allowed 

one more run to be scored by the 

Footers. With a final score of 3-2, Team Sexy 

Pants were happy to be 2 and 0...And even 

happier to go to the bar even if they lost the 

drinking challenge. Strong play by Amanda 

"The Badass" McCann both at third base, 

and a 2 for 2 night in the kicking department 

deserves a mention. As well as really 

strong play from several new players that 

missed out on last weeks game, lead this 

writer to think, "these Pants wearers are 

pretty rad". Because next week has TSP 

playing on the grass, Capt Kfish has gone to 

some crazy lengths to guarantee a win. He 

has ordered all his players to work, sleep, 

and procreate in the grass ALL week long 

leading up to Monday nights game. Lets 

hope that this odd training routine will 

bring them one more win, if nothing else in 

will bring them closer to understanding the 

Native Poinsettia Trannys and how they 

think. SEXY!! 

Score: Sexy Pants 3, 

Pussyfooters 2

team spotlight Team Sexy Pants 

STATS 

CAPTAINS: 

Joanne Verbos 

Kevin Fisher 

SEASONS IN 

LEAGUE: 

1 

OVERALL 

RECORD: 

2-0-0 

Can you tell us a little history of your team? 

We have no history, we hope this is history in the making. 

What is the derivation of your team name? 

It was a place holder name and we couldn't all agree on another name so it stuck. 

What is your roster make up? Are your teammates friends before kickball 

or because of kickball? 

A few different groups of friends came together and we are quite pleased with the outcome. 

What is your team's perception around the league? 

Oh, new team, fresh meat?? 

Most common misconception(s)? 

We are going to be a push over because we are new, the Hollywood league is one of 

the oldest divisions in CA, and when you are a new team you are automatically not 

going to play well...... but with veteran captains and athletic competitive people you 

can win games. 

What is on fun or funny fact about your team? 

Funny? kickball is SERIOUS! 

As the league's most surprising team, what is the key to your 

success? And Are you surprised by your initial success? 

Luck, skill and harnessing tranny power - we are not surprised, recruiting from The 

CA Penal League has been very helpful

Standings Week Two • Summer 2009 

1 

2 

3 

4 

5 

6 

Logo 

to 

come, 

or not... 

Pitch Please 


RF: 17 RA: 1 Diff: +16 

The Annexation of Puerto Rico 


RF: 9 RA: 1 Diff: +8 

Little Lebowski Urban Achievers 


RF: 11 RA: 2 Diff: +9 

The Artist Formerly Known As Full Retards 


RF: 10 RA: 6 Diff: +4 

The Steamers of Cleveland 


RF: 1 RA: 6 Diff: -5 

Los Locos 


RF: 3 RA: 10 Diff: -7 

7 

Bouncing Wangs 


RF: 1 RA: 10 Diff: -9 

8 

The Ballsheviks 


RF: 2 RA: 18 Diff: -16

Happenings in the Wood 

Puerto Rico Not Fooled Again by the Retards 

It seems like ages ago now, but late last season The Annexation 

was sitting atop the Wood Division standings at 3-0-2 after 

steamrolling through what they thought was the tough part of 

their schedule. Then in week 6, the rookie Full Retards rolled out 

of their short bus and stunned Puerto Rico with a 3-2 victory, 

crushing any hopes the Ricans had of a loss-less season. 

Determined not to repeat their past mistakes, the team in 

Texas Orange came into Monday night’s game with playoff-level 

focus. The Annexation put three runs on the board early, with 

RKIs by Dave McElroy, Gerrit Ritt, and Josh 

Wilke, before the Retard defense kicked into 

gear and shut down APR’s offense. 

Defense was the name of the game for 

both teams from there on. In the top of the 

second, two Puerto Ricans lead off with back 

to back singles, but couldn’t get anyone 

across the plate. Then in the bottom of the 

third the Retards loaded the bases on some 

perfectly-placed kicks. A line drive to left scored the 

runner from third, but a miraculous throw from the 

outfield by Ritt pegged the would-be second run just 

before she touched the plate. Ritt then notched a key 

foul-out, one of two on the night, and got the next 

kicker to pop out to end the Retard threat. 

In the fourth, the top of the Rican lineup put another run on the 

scoreboard when McElroy was driven by Ritt’s RKI double to right 

field, his second RKI of the night. 

That was all it would take as neither team’s defense cracked 

in the fifth and the final score came in at APR 4, FR 1. With last 

season’s loss avenged, The Annexation is hoping to keep the 

intensity level up for next week’s matchup against the Locos. 

Thanks also to the Pitch Please crew who did an excellent 

job umping. 

Hitting Their Sophmore Slump 

We felt bad for beating Annex last year so we spotted them three runs in the first then 

played them to a one one tie the rest of the game. Orange team is always fun to play 

against, we will still you in the finals!! 

Score: Annexation 4, Artists Formerly Know As 1


pitchpleasebook Home Profile Friends Inbox 2 

What's on your mind? 

Ryan Bilbrey is trying to decide what to do for this week’s recap. Beat 

Ballsheviks 14-0, so want to do something good… 

14 minutes ago · Comment · Like 

Kevin McKellar is sitting at Big Wangs with some Pitch, Please teammates 

enjoying two free pitchers of sweet, sweet brew from last week’s “most 

players” award and discussing our big win tonight. And just rambling 

through some old school gangster rap in my head. 

2 hours ago · Comment · Like 

Bryan Crocker is scared of these guys. This was by far the best PP has played in 3 seasons. I think I will take my summer 

vacation the week we play them. 

2 hours 10 minutes ago · Comment · Like 

Briana Krank is NOT at Poinsettia Park, but wishes she could have played tonight. She is proud to be associated with such 

badasses as Pitch, Please! 


Rebecca Bilbrey kicked well tonight, but wishes she could score a damn run. 


Dustin Brower is happy that there weren’t many fielding or base running mistakes made tonight. 


Sarah Bier went 2 for 2 tonight. Practice makes perfect. 


Brian Stroner at 9:25pm June 8 

So did I! 

Josh Butchart tried to kick the piss out of the ball. Can we play with a soccer ball from now on instead? 


Alex Pearson is running out to the car to get first aid. 


Matt Bransby just kicked a grand slam to make the score 10-0 after 2 innings. 


Chaz Wexler just got run over by a freight train. What down is it? 


Alex “Rio” Bier just drove in 2 more runs to give PP a 4-0 lead after the first inning. 


Ross Talkington knows how to hide it, but always comes prepared. Can someone tell me what a 

Ballshevik is? 


Danielle Penton is kind of nervous about the game, even though it’s just kickball. Fortunately I’m in love! 

6 hours ago · Comment · Like 

Score: Pitch, Please! 14, Ballsheviks 0


Locos Kiss Sister, Look to Week 3 

WEST HOLLYWOOD- 10 hits and solid 

defense were not enough to propel the 

rebuilding Locos past the upstart Steamers 

of Cleveland. 

Coming off a week 1 loss in which they 

were routed 10-2, the visiting Locos were 

hoping to reach the .500 mark for the first 

time in franchise history. Instead, missed 

opportunities ruled the day as the team 

saw their three season record fall to 4-14-2. 

After matching single runs in the first, 

both defenses bent but did not break. 

Neither team was able to score again, and 

the game was a draw, leaving both sides 

wholly unsatisfied. 

The most significant threat came from 

the Locos in the top of the 5th when team 

captain Jeffrey Nemon was tagged out at 

Lebowskis Bowl Over the Wangs 

These 9:15pm games are getting ridiculous. They never end 

before 10:45pm due to previous games running over the 

time limit. This night was no different. After waiting for the 

never ending scoring spree from the Sofa Kings to end, the 

Lebowskis and the Wangs took the field. 

You could tell the Lebowskis meant business when the 

patrolling cops couldn’t even stop the team from drinking their 

“apple juice.” This “apple juice” is what makes the Lebowskis 

such an offensive force. And the Lebos definitely showed what 

the could do on Monday night. 

The Lebowskis’ top of the lineup, Dave Lewis, Cesar Cervera, 

Adam Bersin, and Todd Sachs, came out red hot scoring 4 runs 

in the 1st by smart ball placement (hehe) and fantastic base 

running. The Wangs really had no answer offensively. This was 

due to the spectacular pitching by Bob and Al, who only allowed 

4 Wang baserunners. Impressive defense from Adam Neuman 

and Ashley Dechter also added to the defensive punch. 

The highlight of the game was when the bases were loaded 

with Reut Masarano up to kick. Reut worked the pitcher and 

drew a walk to get her first career RBI. Then she made her 

victory strut down the first base line. 

home while attempting to 

score from 2nd on an Andrew 

Zaozirny single. 

Despite the frustration in the 

air after the game, each squad 

was able to take heart in their 

first point of the year. Both were 

happy to end early media speculation 

of potential 0-8 seasons. 

After a devastating offseason 

in which they lost two key players to free 

agency and a dozen others to retirement, 

Locos General Manager Dean Lombardi has 

asked fans for patience as his young team 

finds its footing in California's most competitive 

division. He points to early rookie 

successes such as pitcher Tyson Pilcher and 

outfielder Julia Valdes as signs of good 

things to come. 

With only 7 players returning from 

2008, and several in the last year of their 

contracts, Lombardi will need his veterans 

to bring the rookies up to speed quickly if 

the Locos hope to make any kind of post 

season run. 

"I have all the confidence in the world 

that we're going to be in the mix come 

playoff time," Lombardi said. "We're building 

a group thats going to be competitive 

for years to come." 

Score: Locos 1, Steamers 1 

The Lebos added 3 more runs to win the game, 7-0 just as the 

lights turned off at Poinsettia Park. The Lebowskis have now 

shown that they have something to prove. They are on a mission 

to swipe the Hollywood throne away from those pesky Sofa Kings. 

Score: Lebowskis 7, Wangs 0

team spotlight Pitch, Please! 

STATS 

CAPTAINS: 

Ryan Bilbrey 

Briana Krank 

SEASONS 

IN LEAGUE: 

3 

OVERALL 

RECORD: 

We’re 

Awesome 

Can you tell us a little history of your team? 

When Brie was a bartender, her biggest drunkard of a customer fished a newspaper clipping out of 

his wallet one day and handed it to her. It read "Play Kickball" so she started a team with her sister, 

Stephanie. Stephanie then injured herself during a kickball game, and subsequently had to wear a 

cast (of sorts) for the next six months. Brie then replaced Stef with Ryan, who brought organization, 

competition, and substantially higher levels of skill and strategy to our game. 

What is the derivation of your team name? 

Bitch, Please!!! 

What is your roster make up? Are your teammates friends before kickball or 

because of kickball? 

At first, we were just a bunch of randoms thrown together but now we are all friends and most of us 

hang out on the weekends and go on vacations together. We have become a really tight group and we 

all get along very well. We are stoked to have some new members as well! 

What is your team's perception around the league? 

Well, we used to be pretty big drinkers, but we seemed to have really calmed down a lot this season. 

We care more about the game now, which is probably much healthier than being alcoholics. Plus, our 

new serious attitude is in compliance with the "no more fun" rule being enforced at the park now... 

Most common misconception(s)? 

People think we are obnoxious because we are drunk. We're not drunk. 

What is one fun or funny fact about your team? 

Our team name is a palindrome (it reads the same backwards as it does forward), like "race car", and 

"So many dynamos!", and "Yo, banana boy!" 

You have seen quite a bit of roster turnover over your relatively brief existence,including 

several talented players how have you continued to improve 

and is this truly the best team Pitch, please has fielded? 

We really think this has the potential to be the best Pitch, Please team ever. Even though we've lost some 

pretty good players, we've kept our core for 3 seasons, and are constantly looking for new talent that will 

fit in with the overall team idea of having fun, but being competitive while we're doing it. We've actually 

practiced quite a bit this year, and we try to come to each game with a set roster and lineup so everyone 

can just concentrate on doing their job in the field. Our traditional strength has been our defense. We've 

managed to win a lot of games without scoring many runs. So far this year, it looks like we've added a 

pretty potent offense to the mix. We're going to be tough to beat. Take that, Lord Kickball!

POWER RANKINGS 

The Numbers Behind the Numbers 

Written by Jeff Sagarin 

1. Sofa King Good- Last Season - (2-0) (Last week-1) Offense is clicking on all cylinders 

in the early season. Competition ramps up in the next three weeks. We will see how the champs 

respond. (Balls ‘n Dolls) 

2. Little Lebowski- Last Season - (2-0) (Last week-2) Bounced the Bouncing Wangs 

handily as they integrate their new faces. A showdown for first place looms against the 2-0 Pitchers. 

(Pitch, Please) 

3. Annexation of Puerto Rico- (2-0) (Last week-3) First inning offense is the key to their 

success. Jumped on TAFKATFR early and never looked back. (Los Locos) 

4. Ball ‘n Dolls - (2-0) (Last week-4) Handled Stewie and his diapers the way they should be, 

removed, held away from the face and placed in the trash. (Sofa King) 

5. 5. Pitch, Please - (2-0) (Last week-5) An absolute thrashing of an experienced team like 

the Ballsheviks certainly has gained them some attention. Let’s see how they react to having the 

bullseye on their back. (Little Lebowski) 

6. Team Sexy Pants - (2-0) (Last Week 8) Earned another low scoring victory over a very 

pesky Pussyfooters team. One of six remaining undefeated teams, but probably the last team you 

would have thought. Speed at the top and some veteran leadership has really buoyed these guys. 

(Ron Burgundy) 

7. Ron Burgundy - (2-0) (Last week-9) One of seven 2-0 teams, the Burgundies are certainly 

a threat to screw up the teleprompter. They may be living in a glass case of emotion, but are off to 

their best start in seasons. A familiar foe awaits Monday. (Team Sexy Pants) 

8. TAFKATFR - (1-1) (Last week-11) The only team in the league with a win and a loss. Gave it 

a good effort against APR, but need a bit more seasoning. Ready to give the rookies a ride on the 

short bus. (Steamers) 

9. Ponies of Death - (0-2) (Last week-6) Unable to build off of last season’s success, find 

themselves in an 0-2 hole. Face fellow winless brethren late night. (Pussyfooters) 

10. Bouncin’ Wangs - (0-2) (Last week-7) Brutal stretch coming to an end as they desperate 

try to rally their troops. If anybody can right the ship, it is Heide and Kevin. (Ballsheviks) 

11. Ballsheviks - (0-2) (Last week-10) Laid an absolute egg on Monday. Would have dropped 

further, but the I can’t justify moving any of the teams below them up. (Bouncing Wangs) 

12. Savage Freds - (0-2) (Last Week- 12) Left the field bruised and bloody. Unfortunately, 

still winless and with their shirts on. Better times are coming. (Stewie’s Assassins) 

13. Pussyfooters - (0-2) (Last week-13) Keep coming up a little short. I am sure many of 

you know the feeling. The law of averages says these guys will eventually crack the win column. 

I am beginning to wonder. (Ponies of Death) 

14. Steamers of Cleveland - (0-1-1)- (Last Week-14) Played the Locos to a draw, but still 

searching for their elusive first win. Good combo of youth and experience give these guys a chance 

to succeed. (TAFKATFR) 

15. Los Locos - (0-1-1) (Last Week-15) Rebounded from a poor week one showing to tie the 

Steamers. For their trouble they get a date with the red hot APR. (APR) 

16. Stewie’s Assassins - (0-2) (Last Week-16) A better performance against the Pink 

Pantsers. Have scored in both games against two top defenses. (Savage Freds)

“You’re only as good as your last big play.” 

Let’s just say Hollywood would not have made a movie based on my life in the sports gambling business if 

I weren’t a winner! Maybe you have seen my movie, “Two For the Money.” 

A little bit about me - in 1989, I joined a nationally-known sports service based on the East Coast and 

immediately embarked on one of the most historic winning streaks ever witessed in the handicapping 

world. After an incredible six-year run, I just had a feeling my life story would make a fascinating 

movie. But, with that decision came the realization that my dreams would only be fulfilled by leaving 

the business. Now I am back though to give you losers tips on how to win on kicball. 

Brandon Lang 

I am back for another season of exciting kickball action guaranteed to earn you some cash. 

YOU HAVE TO LOVE WEEK 3. WE HAVE 7 UNDEFEATED TEAMS AND 

8 WINLESS TEAMS. CALL IT JUDGMENT WEEK. AT THE END OF MONDAY 

WE WILL HAVE A BETTER IDEA OF THE HAVE AND HAVE NOTS. 

GAME OF THE WEEK 

Little Lebwoski -1.5 vs. Pitch Please 

Quite an impressive performance by both of these teams Monday. Made short work of 

some experienced teams. Pitch, Please looks to validate themselves against a talented 

Lebowski team. Lebowski avoided their first trap game of the season and handled Wangs 

with ease. Interesting both struggled with their Week 1 opponents, but demolished 

their Week 2 foes. 

Pick: Lebowskis 

■ HOLLY GAMES 

Ponies of Death -2 vs. Pussyfooters 

The Ponies look to get untracked against the perennial Holly doormats. The lime greeners 

have a pair of one run defeats to show for their efforts on the field. The Ponies have 

been upset twice and don’t want to be the team that allows the Footers to taste the 

sweet nectar of victory. The stats say these two are evenly matched, my head says the 

Ponies cruise. 

Pick: Ponies 

Sofa King Good -3.5 vs. Balls n’ Dolls 

The top two teams in the Holly square off with first place on the line. Obviously Sofa 

King has been impressive in their two huge victories. The Balls n’ Dolls have been slow, 

but steady. Most of you probably remember the pantsless Dolls taking the eventually 

champs to extra innings in their rookie season. With their speed and baserunning at 

the top of the order, this is one team that can give the champs fits. 

Pick: Balls n’ Dolls

Ron Burgundy -1 vs. Team Sexy Pants 

Cinderella meets the anchorman. Each with two nail biting wins under their belts, this one 

will surely be a close one. Some of the foes are friends off the field and the contrast in styles 

will be apparent. Will the darlings continue their improbable run? Or will Ron and the Action 

News Team drop anchor on their undefeated season? Stay Tuned, news on Monday. 

Pick: Ron Burgundy 

Savage Freds -2 vs. Stewie’s Assassins 

On the last game of the regular season last year, Stewie’s upset the Savages moving them 

into sixth place and pushing the Freds down to seventh. That victory nearly catapulted 

the tots to a first upset of APR. Since then, times have changed. Stewie looks like a shell 

of its former self and the Savages have gained some much needed experience. 

Pick: Savage Freds 

■ WOOD GAMES 

Annexation of Puerto Rico -3 vs. Los Locos 

Two teams heading in the opposite direction. APR took TAFKATFR to school after they shellacked 

Los Locos. Meanwhile, Los Locos struggled with a Steamers team APR had previously shutout. 

Bet on a low scoring affair. It doesn’t look good for those of Short Circuit fame. 

Pick: APR 

TAFKATFR -1.5 vs. The Steamers of Cleveland 

TAFKATFR was out early again honing their skills. Unfortunately, there is no substitue for 

experience. Luckily, the Steamers lack that very same experience. Unless the brightness of 

the orange shirts blind those of lackluster brain power, look for TAFKATFR to steamroll the 

team from Cleveland. 

Pick: TAFKATFR 

Ballsheivks vs. Bouncing Wangs -1 

Both of these teams are coming off of underwhelming performances last Monday. Neither 

can afford to be 0-3. On the dirt, the Wangs should be able to hold the Ballsheviks down. 

The only question is will they score enough runs to win. Judging by the Ballsheviks porous 

defense last week, that shouldn’t be a problem. 

Pick: Wangs

WEEK 2 CHALLENGE WINNER 

Artists Formerly Known as 

the Full Retards - 45 sec 

Pussyfooters - 50 sec 

Last weeks DAS BOOT contest was a complete 

success! Thanks to everyone who participated. 

Ok now that that’s out of the way… What we 

learned from this past week’s event is that on 

the field prowess doesn’t translate at the bar. 

The BnD’s speed was left on the field, the 

Assassins wanted to drown their sorrows 

as quickly as possible, the Retards couldn’t 

quite match their performance from last 

year, and the Pussyfooters took that boot 

like champs. But only one team can stand on 

top. CONGRATULATIONS ASSASSINS. 

You drank your way to two free pitchers off 

sweet, sweet brew next week. I’m not sure if I 

should shake your hand or sign you up for the 

soonest AA meeting, but either way CHEERS! 

Stewie’s Assasins Time - 

40 sec (wow) 

Los Locos - 60 sec 

Bouncing Wangs - 63 sec

WEEK 2 CHALLENGE WINNER 

Ponies - 85 sec 

Puerto Rico - 

71 sec 

Sexy Pants - 91 sec 

O N G O I N G C H A L L E N G E S 

- Week 5 - - Week 8 - 

Sofa Kings have taken a commanding lead in this category, 

but their first two games could be considered gimmies. Will 

anyone in the HOLLY Conference be able to defend against 

the offensive powerhouse. 

Steamers - 88 sec 

Balls N’ Dolls - 100 sec 

Its looking to be a tight race with Pitch Please and APR in 

the lead with 1 run against each. But there is a lot of season 

left and who knows what week 3 will bring.

[ Week 3 Challenge ] 

Each team will take a team photo with their mascot at the field on Game night. 

(example: Stewie’s assassins might dress a cabbage patch doll in Stewie attire, or the 

Ron Burgundies might actually have someone dress as Ron Burgendy, or the Lil 

Lebowskis might pull out their Obama cut out again… Be creative) Then each team will 

email their team photo with their mascot, as well as one close up of their mascot, to the 

awards chair by Wednesday 12PM. 

Please send photos to kickinreview@gmail.com with your team name 

and MASCOT CHALLENGE in the subject line. 

The Awards chair, Waka rep, VP, and President will each pick their favorite mascot 

and those will be posted on to the online forums with an OPEN VOTE as to what 

mascot is the best. A notice will go out in the KIR reminding people to go vote. The final 

tally will take place at noon on the following Monday. The mascot with the most votes 

wins their team pitchers of grain based ambrosia. 

N e x t W e e k ’ s C h a l l e n g e : A m e r i c a D a y

The Leaderboard 

RUNS KICKED IN * 

PLAYER TEAM RUNS 

SHERM INATOR SKG 7 

NATE CASWELL SKG 6 

ALEX “RIO” BIER PP 5 

MATT BRANSBY PP 5 

JIMMY LANSING SKG 4 

SHAWN LUCAS SKG 4 

DAVID BINNS TSP 3 

GERRIT RITT APR 3 

JOSH WILKE APR 3 

JASON BENOIT BND 2 

ADAM BERSIN LL 2 

JOSH BRIEST SKG 2 

DUSTIN BROWER PP 2 

CESAR CERVERA LL 2 

BRYAN CROCKER APR 2 

NIK DEMELLO LL 2 

COCO EISELE SKG 2 

JACOB LANE PF 2 

MARISSA LEFTON SKG 2 

CJ LINDSEY FR 2 

KEVIN MCKELLER PP 2 

RYAN MURPHY SKG 2 

AMY PARTO SKG 2 

MICHAEL PYCHER BND 2 

KIMBERLY RICHEY SKG 2 

RYAN RICHTER FR 2 

CHAZ WEXLER PP 2 

AARON WOLF POD 2 

ANDREW ZAOZIRNY LOS 2 

PITCHING 

PLAYER TEAM IP STRIKEOUTS FOULOUTS 

DAVID BINNS TSP 4 3 - 

JACOB LANE PF 5 - 3 

SHAWN LUCAS SKG 1 - 1 

KALE BITNER BND 6 - 2 

BRANDON HALL SF 8 - 1 

JASON SLAVKIN FR 6 - 1 

KEVIN CAMPBELL BW 6 - 3 

GERRIT RITT APR 9 - 2 

AL FERRIE LL 3 1 2 

HOME RUNS 

PLAYER TEAM HOMERS 




* EDITOR’S NOTE: Just so you all understand how it’s determined 

who makes the Leaderboard - I have chosen to highlight those with 

an average of at least 1 run per game. I would love to include everyone 

with a run or RKI but there just isn’t enough space... 

RUNS SCORED * 

PLAYER TEAM RUNS 

DUSTIN BROWER PP 5 

EVAN HASSAN SKG 4 

TRACY LANSING SKG 4 


NATE CASWELL SKG 3 


MAXWELL LUCAS SKG 3 

DAVE MCELROY APR 3 

RYAN MURPHY SKG 3 

GREG NEWMAN APR 3 

COLIN WHITMAN BND 3 

TRACI ADLER SKG 2 

RYAN BILBREY PP 2 

KALE BITNER BND 2 


CESAR CERVERA LL 2 

NATE DANIELS BND 2 

KEVIN FISHER TSP 2 

SHERM INATOR SKG 2 

JIMMY LANSING SKG 2 

DAVE LEWIS LL 2 

CJ LINDSEY FR 2 

CHRIS MANFREDI APR 2 

AMY PARTO SKG 2 

TODD SACHS LL 2 

STEPHANIE SAPIENZA POD 2 

TRAVIS TETZLAFF LOS 2 

CHAZ WEXLER PP 2 

TABLE 

APR 

BALL 

BND 

BW 

CS 

FR 

LL 

LOS 

PF 

POD 

PP 

RB 

SA 

SF 

SKG 

TSP 

ANNEX. OF PUERTO RICO 

BALLSHEVIKS 

BALLS N’ DOLLS 

BOUNCING WANGS 

STEAMERS OF CLEVELAND 

TFKAT FULL RETARDS 

LITTLE LEBOWSKIS 

LOS LOCOS 

PUSSYFOOTERS 

PONIES OF DEATH 

PITCH, PLEASE 

THE RON BURGUNDIES 

STEWIE’S ASSASSINS 

SAVAGE FREDS 

SOFA KING GOOD 

TEAM SEXY PANTS

fantasy kickball 

Put your best team “on the field” with updates from the Talented Mrs. 

Kickball on who’s hot and who’s not in the division. 

On Fire 

Rio Bier and Dustin Brower - Pitch, Please - With five RKI and runs respectively, rank near the top 

in both categories. Two of the pieces that make the Pitch, Please wheels go round. 

Analysis: As long as this offense keeps up this torrid pace, they need to be rostered in all leagues. 

David Binns - Team Sexy Pants - Pitching and kicking his team to victory. Leads the league in strikeouts 

and ranks in RKI. Early favorite for Rookie of the Year. 

Analysis: A must add in all Leagues 

Starting to Boil 

Tracy Lansing - SKG - Second in the league in Runs scored and one of only four females to grace 

the Leaderboard. 

Analysis: Has lots of help around her, should maintain kicking average and runs. 

Travis Tetzlaff - Los Locos - The three season vet is finally realizing some of the promise he has 

shown in the past. Having scored a run in each game, Tetzlaff has established himself as one of the finest 

top of the order legs in the league. 

Analysis: Watch closely as the Locos have a propensity to get bogged down offensively. 

Cooling Off 

Eric Lev - Lebowski - Absent from the pitching leaders for the first time in a long time. Has turned over 

much of the duties to his new teammates and has assumed a greater leadership role in an attempt to 

guide his squad to a championship. 

Analysis: Numbers may take a hit, but wins are all that matter 

Tom Johnson - Ballsheviks - Perennial all-star has faced some tough competition to start the season. 

The power kicking outfielder has years of consistency to back it up. 

Analysis: He will heat up as the competition lessens. Expect typical stats by the end of the season.

Top Reasons to Join the Forums 

• You have the urge to gossip or talk a little trash 

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• You lost or found something at the field or bar and need to get the message out 

• You want to stay in touch with the kickball world when it isn’t game day 

• You want to find out about the weekly awards, the mid-season or end of season 

parties, other events going on, etc. 

So how to you do it? 

1 Log on to http://cahollywood.proboards.com/index.cgi 

If this is your first time, you’ll need 

2to create an account. You’ve all done 

something along these lines before 

Once you register, it will send you 

3 an authorization email. Follow the 

steps it takes you through to go to... 

...the home page. Now you’re in! Cruise 

4 around, chat, comment, vote, etc.

Pitch, Please! - World Adult Kickball Association

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