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COOKIE
“ C H A I N S A W ”
RANDOLPH
Early this century,
Cookie “Chainsaw”
Randolph spent 10
semesters worth of San
Diego State tuition
fees for his son’s
education, and all he
got was a lousy Aztec
windbreaker (which he
paid for himself when he
underdressed for a chilly
BYU football game). To
be fair, those fees also
produced a graduate
student with a degree in
Anthropology—which,
as you know, is one of
the only job sectors that
is BOOMING in this
economy. Chainsaw is
currently rebuilding
his 401k, thanks to
employment with 100.7
JACK-FM, on the Dave,
Shelly, and Chainsaw
morning show.
AZTEC MADNESS
The ancient Gods want it all!
(they’ve been waiting 563 years)
“The Show,”
SDSU’s student
fan section,
cheers on
the Aztecs at
University of
Nevada Las
Vegas, Jan. 1.
courtesy SDSU Athletics Media Relations, Ernie Anderson
It’s looking good for San Diego State to win their
first NCAA tournament game in school history
this month, but winning one game won’t be
enough to appease the Aztec gods.
With the SDSU football team already
having won a bowl game for the first time this
century, one can safely say the Aztecs haven’t done this well
in two programs in the same year since 1448, when they
dominated both archery innovation and double aqueduct
pipe system technology. (You could look it up.)
Long-suffering Chicago Cubs fans are novices compared
to the Aztecs. They’ve waited 103 years since the last time
they won a World Series? Try waiting 563 years (Cubs fans
probably will).
The Aztecs gods are done waiting, which begs the
question: How far must this year’s magical basketball team
advance in the NCAA tournament to avoid their wrath?
A Final Four appearance (four wins to get there) might
be acceptable to most fans, but not to the gods. They want
it all. They watched No. 5 seed Butler come within a halfcourt
buzzer shot of beating Duke in the championship
game last year. They’ve done the math. San Diego State
should be at least a No. 3 seed, so the gods figure this team
should make that buzzer shot.
You see, the Aztec gods are already a very angry bunch.
Mention “BYU” to Tezcatlipoca and he’ll punch a wall.
Remind Macuilxochitl how Miami’s Gino Torretta beat
out Marshall Faulk for the ’92 Heisman and he’ll smash a
windshield with his maquahuitl.
And don’t even suggest to Huitzilopochtli that it’s
unfair to raise student fees to bail out a money-pit
football program over and over and over and over again.
Tuition? Huitzilopochtli doesn’t care about tuition. He
wants a national title. If he reads one more op-ed piece in
the Daily Aztec complaining about fee hikes, he might start
throwing lepers into active volcanoes again (and to him,
history professors are lepers).
So anything less than a national championship will curse
Aztecs basketball forever, which is probably how long it will
be before we have another team this good.
30 pacificsandiego.com { March 2011}