Light Issue 73a - ScotsGay Magazine

Breaking Up
How to do it... and how not to
lifestyle
Mark Corrigan
mark@scotsgay.co.uk
Let’s be honest, at some point we
have all dumped somebody in a
horrific and insensitive manner,
and we walk away from the debris
with a slight shackle of guilt but no
real perspective on the
repercussions of our actions.
However, there are certain ways
that are socially acceptable to dump
someone. I’m an advocate of the old
fashioned face to face meeting in
public. The reason is simple. A one on
one meeting can lower the risk of a
dramatic scene, which allows an
amount of dignity to be retained by
both parties. Shrewd perhaps, but
believe me, a dumped gay boy can be
like a tiger backed into a corner. It’s
best to do it in the open so if he does
attack there are witnesses. The premise
is that he is too concerned with his
image management to damage a well
groomed reputation by lashing out in
a public environment. Even a phone
call, though still impersonal, can grant
some form of closure.
However there are specific ways
you should never be dumped, like the
cowardly fashion of, let’s say, via a text
message. “I need some space so I’m going
away. I think if we see each other things will
be said that neither of us means, I can’t give
you what you want. I’m sorry…”
As I read this text my body is
rendered frozen with fear and anxiety.
It was as if an octopus had clambered
up my body and with icy tendrils,
numbed each limb and turned my
stomach like a tombola, only there
was no prize winning raffle to pull
out, just that sense of utter loss and
uselessness.
So this is what it feels like to get
dumped. ‘Wow, this kinda hurts…’
I read somewhere, I believe it was
in the Metro newspaper (a guilty
indulgence relished by the intellectual
anarchist in me and reviled by the
Times reading ponce I often portray in
polite society), that every person
should be subject, at least once in their
lives to the ritual of the involuntary
break-up. Also known as getting
dumped, chucked, rejected or flung,
whichever terminology you choose, it
makes no difference to the person at
the receiving end.
So was it true that everybody
should be dumped at least once in
their lives? This was my first
experience of being dumped, hence the
birth of this article.
I hope that dumpers everywhere
can understand their actions, and the
dumpees can find some solace and
understand that they are not alone -
that their pain is not significant to
just them, but is shared by everyone
that has found themselves in that
situation.
For those of you that have never
had the misfortune of being on the
receiving end of the barbed dumping
stick, here are a few insights into how
it feels to be handed your P45 and told
that your current employment as the
world’s happiest man has been
terminated with immediate effect.
It’s like the world has been swept
from beneath your feet, and you find
yourself vulnerable and exhausted
with angst. In those dark moments
you don’t realise that an enemy
approaches, his name is Denial. He
has decided to
be your pimp
and you find
yourself broken
at his feet
begging to be
his bitch, so as
not to face the
reality that the
person you
think you love
has rejected
you.
Denial is
the tool of the desperate fantasist that
is unwilling or unable to acknowledge
reality. In his most wicked game,
Denial makes you believe that you can
surmount the insurmountable and
claim back your prize man with crazy
romantic gestures that they don’t
want or understand, and fail to even
acknowledge.
Your lame and ill informed
attempts to win him back eventually
drive that no good pimp daddy Denial
out (along with any sense of dignity
that you had left), and reality sets in
with a ball tugging, arse fisting
painful and
devastating
truth. You’ve
lost.
As sad as
that story may
be, I plead that
you restrain
those tears
because once
defeat has been
grudgingly
accepted, we
find that we can actually continue to
live beyond the bubble of dreamy
existence we made for ourselves whilst
in a relationship. And herein lays the
tragedy, it’s not that the bubble has
burst but rather in the uncertainty of
what is beyond the illusion we created.
We then reflect and mourn our
loss. The memories you can’t drive
out, no matter how willing to help our
old friends are, such as Class A’s and
that favourite Eastern European
immigrant, Smirnoff. (Now you’re
talking my language - Ed.)
“A dumped gay boy
can be like a tiger
backed into a corner.
It’s best to do it in the
open so if he does
attack there’s
witnesses. ”
“Would I get back
with my ex?
I would rather have a
wank in the desert
with broken glass as
lubricant, thank you
very much! ”
The repercussions of being a
dumpee vary from person to person,
some people see their ex in everyone’s
faces, every love song heard in a bar
can be made to find meaning to an
aspect of your failed partnership. You
may go for walk or sit in the park to
be away from the flat and its
reminders of the happier times spent
with your estranged. You seem to be
bombarded with visual torment of
jovial couples taking strolls, engaging
in public displays of affection and
generally rubbing your face in their
bile-inducing
bliss. Upon
seeing them,
you find
personal insult
in their
happiness,
adding to an
already
overfilled pot of
emotional
turmoil that is
flirting with the
idea of erupting.
Why are they everywhere? There is
an explanation. Now I’m no theorist,
but bear with me on this. In
EastEnders, when the character Sonia
Jackson handed her child to the
adoption authorities, she quickly
regretting her decision, runs to Albert
Square’s thriving market place and
what happens? Lo and behold loving
mothers and their babies pop-up in all
directions as if to taunt our
protagonist. How very insensitive I
hear you cry. The law of the soap
dictates that when you have lost
something and you desperately want it
back, the
protagonist will
have to endure
being
confronted with
what they
themselves have
lost and we as
viewers are
along for the
sadistic ride.
This law could
be applied to
almost every scenario of loss in the
soap. Anyway, my point is that when
we have lost something sacred to us,
we will find the echoes of it
everywhere we look. It’s a way of
tormenting ourselves, part of our
destructive and self critical nature. I
found I broke myself down in every
way, analysed my character to the
point that there was no more to
antagonise. I was the lowest I could be
until I realised there was nothing I
could do or change about myself and
that it wasn’t my entire fault.
I had been dumped by a text
message, and therefore the
relationship ended like a severed limb,
messy with bits still clinging on. But
in just a manner of weeks and a few rebound
bonks later (I use the word few
liberally as I actually mean lots), I
found the wounds I was licking began
to close.
Some people need to feel pain in
order to feel at all. Often a boyfriend
will take their anxieties out on you
because they aren’t equipped to deal
with their own problems or issues. You
may find yourself a scapegoat for
insecurities that should, could and
may have been resolved had you
worked together. If you put the effort
in and they still rejected you, you can
walk away from the debris unashamed
of your actions and with enough
dignity to be proud that you were the
one that tried. I take great solace that I
know who I am and I don’t need a
man to complete me, a school of
thought which is the product of being
dumped.
It is a strange sensation to see how
the other half lives. I have friends that
get dumped all the time and they cope
just fine. I expect it is because they
don’t allow themselves to invest their
emotions too readily. Consider that a
lesson learned. I suspect getting
dumped for the first time is rather like
getting tonsillitis: when it first strikes
it sneaks up and wipes you out, but
the second round you sense it coming
prepare yourself.
Which brings me full circle to my
conclusion that a person should be
dumped at least once in their life. I
find myself reluctant to agree but I’m
afraid I have to. The lessons learned
are tools that are important to grasp. I
can’t say that I’m happy to have been
dumped, but it certainly has made me
stronger and more focused about the
kind of future I want for myself. Use
the pain and shame of your mistakes
to drive you forward and don’t dwell
on the pettiness of revenge - as the
best vengeance is to do well in your
endeavours; prove your abilities only
to yourself.
If you were to ask me now, would
I get back with my ex if the
opportunity arose, my reply would be
simple - I would rather have a wank in the
desert with broken glass as lubricant, thank
you very much!
There are no hard feelings and we
are still good friends but I know more
about myself post relationship than I
did whilst in one. I’m taking my
experience and moving on from this
point.
I’ve learned a valuable lesson,
albeit harshly, but God damn I’m
grateful I’ve learned it young.
14 ScotsGay
ScotsGay 15