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20 THE STANDARD STYLE / FAMILY / PARENTING August 3 to 9 2014 Teen Drinking and Smoking Prudence Muganiwah WE live in an increasingly fast and complex society which is dominated by a plethora of fast-evolving trends as by the misconception of the value which they add or not. Many teens, both boys and girls, are confused by what it all means. And this may include your own son or daughter. They ask themselves; how can alcohol be bad for them when some, or most even, of the people they look up to make it look so cool? How can smoking be addictive or hazardous to health when the very people whose music they listen to smoke a few packets a day and brag about it? Surely, it must be all confusing and I would like to imagine that any parent’s worst nighmare is when their teen finds solace in drinking or smoking at that tender age. The question in today’s issue, therefore, is this: What should you do when you suspect or even know that your teen has started drinking or smoking? Hinge on the Dangers You probably have the random uncle in your family who goes haywire at every family function - the dangers of drinking and smoking are commonplace, such that by the time your teen has decided to experiment on either, he or she most likely knows them. This isn’t the problem. The problem is that your child is aware of the dangers and still carries on to make a bad decision. So what do you do in the face of this nightmare? Well, you talk and talk some more. In his book entitled ‘Mastery’, the famous American author Robert Greene talks about a very interesting concept. He says that anyone can become a master of anything which they set their mind to through repetition. In the same way, I would like to believe that the more you hammer the same message of caution into the mind of your teen, the more likely they will fall into the habit of abstinence rather than indulgence. Talk repeatedly about the dangers of drinking and smoking until it’s etched in your child’s mind that neither offers any benefits. Exchange Promises As you continuously talk to your teen about the dangers of drinking and smoking, you should make a promise. The promise which you should make is one which speaks to delayed gratification. In other words, one of the things you can barter with your teen is a promise. This means that you promise that once he or she turns 21, at which time he or she will be able to make better decisions, he or she will be at liberty to decide whether to drink or smoke. In turn, he or she has to promise too, that until that time, he or she will delay the gratification of drinking or smoking before they know what it actually means. Hopefully, by the time your teen turns 21, he or she would have decided to not drink or smoke anymore, because they now know better. Of course, it is absolutely entirely up to them as an adult to decide whether or not they want to smoke or drink – but the least you can do is ensure they are educated and mature enough to understand what it actually is. Incentivise and Punish Fortunately or unfortunately, the psyche of teens is centred around what they can benefit from you as a parent. One way in which to distract them away from the bad behaviours of drinking and smoking is to incentivise good behaviour. For example, if, you say, your child desists from drinking or smoking and you’re convinced that they have, he or she can go on a trip with you to Kariba the next time you go. Conversely, if your teen has proved to continue with such habits and you know this for a fact, make it clear to them that conditions around the household will remain strict. For example, he or she can’t attend any friends’ parties until his or her behaviour changes. Beating Bad Bullies Prudence Muganiwah I ENDED last week’s issue by citing the importance of encouraging your little ones to make friends at school. I went on to say that some so-called friends come in the form of bullies. Today, we will take a closer look at how as a parent, you can best approach the issue of bullies that may be making the life of your little one at school a misery. Your little prince or princess needs you to step in especially because, more often than not, bullies pretend to be friends, and your child may not know the difference. Have a Checklist The first thing you have to do is ascertain which of your child’s friends are bullies and which aren’t. You should have regular chats with your child about his or her friends, let’s say over some ice-cream on the weekend. At such a time, your child is typically relaxed, and you can ask him or her key questions about friendships at school. For example, you can ask a set of leading questions like “Do you like the polony and cheese sandwiches that I make for you?” Then, “Do you eat them with your friend?”, then “How many sandwiches do you give him (or her)?” From your child’s answers, you can reasonably determine where there are signs of one or more ‘friends’ being bullies. For instance if she says something like, “Well, Sarah always has all my lunch after she has had hers. I don’t really mind because I’m never that hungry anyways,” then you know this cannot be right. The important thing here is to not be confrontational; otherwise you might not get the desired checklist items. Engage the School and Parents When you are sure that one or more of your child’s friends are bullies, approach their parents, as well as the teacher who is mostly responsible for your bundle of joy at school. This serves two main purposes. It alerts both parties to the situation and they can each take appropriate action. Charity begins at home, and so, the bully’s parents should be able to caution or discipline their child into doing what is right. On the other hand, the teacher will become more inclined to inform you if the bullying problem persists, because they are more in touch with the situation. The important thing here is to not confront the bullying child directly because chances are, he or she will take out the embarassment suffered on your child, which doesn’t solve the problem. Teach Your Child the Signs In many cases, children who are bullied may actually not be aware of the abuse that they will be undergoing. Therefore, it’s very important to sensitise your child to the reality that the friend whom he or she sees in a good light may not have your child’s best interests at heart. The best way is to examplify it. If, for instance , the bully takes two out of four of your child’s sandwiches begrudgingly, teach your child that he or she has a right to volunteer one sandwich, or none at all. He or she can verbalise to the bully that he or she will report the bully to the teacher, if the bully takes your child’s sandwiches. The important thing here is to alert your child to the remedies which are at his or her disposal every time a bully attacks.
August 3 to 9 2014 THE STANDARD STYLE / FAMILY / EDUCATION 21 Paying the Price: The Cost of Child Abuse Edson Chivandikwa - Peterhouse INDIVIDUALS and whole societies have sometimes erroneously believed that the consequences of Child Abuse and Gender-Based Violence are temporary and individual. The abused person has often been considered ill-fated and some kind of social outcast to be derided by kith and kin. Contrary to this unfortunate misconstruction, research and experience point in a totally different direction: the consequences of abuse and genderrelated violence can be far-reaching and immense; they defy individual boundaries and encroach onto other so-considered safe societal spaces. The consequences of Gender-Based Violence affect not only the individual victim but the entire society, including other people who have no personal relationship with the abused party. The consequences range from physical, psychological and social, through other domains that may not be clear-cut. Background Media reports on Gender-Based Violence and Child Abuse are increasing by the day in Zimbabwe. Newspapers, radio and television clips and the Internet are replete with disturbing reports on Child Abuse and Gender- Based Violence. One wonders whether these reports are increasing in number because the reality of violence has escalated or because the media have gained more awareness of the plague. An unsettling case in point is that of Lillian Simbai of Chivi who was recently struck to death with an axe by her husband after she accused him of having an extra-conjugal affair. Another is that of a Domboshava man who raped and infected his then nine year old niece and infected her with HIV. Some media recently reported that a Binga woman, Judith Mleya, “toasted” her son’s hands in a pan for stealing groundnuts. Yet another case is that of a traditional healer who raped her brother’s daughter. Really, what are the consequences of gender-related violence? Physical Abused children, men and women experience a wide range of physical health problems, and in some cases death. Victims may be subjected to injuries which may result in permanent disability. Sexually transmitted diseases may cause severe illnesses and even death. Psychological It has been argued that the psychological effects of Gender-Based Violence can just be as severe as the physical consequences. Violence can result in a host of problems, among which are anxiety, depression, post-traumatic disorder and rape trauma syndrome. They can also result in the victim abusing drugs and alcohol. Social Gender-Based Violence usually leads to social stigma: the victims are rejected and often accused for being responsible for the abuse. Even the victimisers accuse their victims and claim the act of violence was a response to something that the victim had done. As a result, the victims are isolated and are often excluded from participating in communal affairs. As a result of social exclusion and rejection, the victims may have problems social with attachment, social self-esteem and social competence, especially in situations that remind them of the act of violence. They have problems with establishing or maintaining social relationships. Educational Gender-Based Violence also seriously undermines the educational performance of the victims. Some victims may drop out of school, temporarily or completely, thereby plunging their futures into obscurity. If the victims continue to attend classes, their performance may be negatively affected, leading to low grades. At school they may be labelled and stigmatised. Economic For the working victims, economic productivity and development are undercut. The victims of GBV will not be able to perform their economic duties as in the period before the violence. In other words they will become economically dysfunctional and therefore redundant. Gender-Based Violence also has a significant economic toll on the national economy as resources are disproportionately dedicated to areas where GBV is a problem. Child welfare costs, for example, sky-rocket, pressure mounts on facilities such as clinics and police posts. Health and law-enforcement personnel grapple with the realty of Gender-Based Violence. Conclusion Violence perpetrated in the name of gender (and of course all forms of violence) do must be shunned by all. The consequences of this violence not only the victims but affect whole societies. Ultimately it becomes a national and global problem.
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