The Human Touch 2013 - University of Colorado Denver

TBI Memoir [Continued]
For all that matters now is the clock on the wall.
The clock on the wall,
which fl ies and fl ies,
And suddenly an hour has passed in merely the
b l i n k o f a n e y e
And what thought was there?
[Everyone tells me how to
Turn on the TV. But I don’t
Watch TV, and maybe I’m the only patient in this
whole damn hospital who doesn’t?]
Ordered breakfast on the second day.
[Or was it the fi rst?]
It feels like one day, even though I know it was two,
and I know Samantha came to visit on the fi rst day
and cleared up my vomit when the nurse didn’t,
and I know the nurse yelled at me—
excuse me:
spoke fi rmly, strongly,
encouragingly—
to drink more fl uids,
but I could barely move, so she stuck an IV in my arm.
It hurt to move, it hurt to think, my (brain) muscles atrophied.
[I could only text message for days.]
On a Friday, I was discharged.
On a Saturday, Denver summer hit full swing.
100 degrees: my air conditioner refused to try.
I lie atop the covers naked, sleeping in 16-hour bursts.
Lying in bed, melting, wearing nothing but a sling.
Thinking nothing.
Empty, empty thoughts.
On a Sunday, I crawled into a beautiful dress and
Slinked three blocks to the park.
I don’t remember the conversations,
but I remember that a police offi cer was shot in the head
by some 21-year-old punk.
We heard the shots and sirens, and rather than move or react,
I sat.
And slept.
Slept. Slept. Slept. Slept.
I thought I’d be able to do a lot of things,
But I couldn’t wear t-shirts,
couldn’t put on pants.
So I wore dresses and promised that this would be a
pant-free summer (!!!)
I couldn’t fl oss.
Got my fi rst paid haircut in years because I couldn’t wash my hair.
But what really mattered was that I couldn’t think.
I could.
not.
think.
I reacted and had conversations,
sure,
but I couldn’t do it for long,
and I couldn’t remember it anyway.
For a week after the accident, there was a void.
“Blank, empty space.” [Frank Zappa]
That was my mind.
Went to a meeting in my cancer lab, but
The language was foreign.
And suddenly, my world crumbled.
My ability to read and think,
To take in information,
process,
contemplate,
refl ect,
form an opinion,
step beyond…
PG 134
PG 135