Read April's's The Edge as a PDF - The Edge Magazine

the 01245 

EDGE 

MACK 

Moulsham Street 

359111 

Wharf Road 

01245 256111 

‘THE CHELMSFORD FANZINE’ 

APRIL 2012 

ISSUE NO: 186 

MACK 

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www.theedgemag.co.uk The Edge Chelmsford CM2 6XD Telephone 01245 348256 Mobile: 077 646 797 44

Exclusive Kitchen & Interior Design 

Company Opens in Chelmsford 

After 5 months careful planning and investment, Spazio Design of 

Chelmsford, specialists in the design, supply and installation of quality 

kitchen and interior products, opened its doors to the public with a grand 

launch party on Saturday 10th March. 

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The Mayor and Mayoress of Chelmsford 

with Spazio Design MD Kevin Miles 

The day began at 10am when the Mayor of Chelmsford, councillor Bob 

Shepherd, accompanied by Mayoress Doreen Shepherd, cut the ribbon to 

commence proceedings. After a short speech, they were given a grand 

tour of the new showroom, taking in the extensive range of designer 

kitchens, plus bedroom, living furniture and lighting on offer. 

Patisseries and drinks were served by Limeberry Catering who kept the 

multitude of guests fed and watered all day long. 

Midday saw the arrival of celebrity chef Mark Baumann and his wife Fiona, 

who were particularly impressed by the stunning range of cookers from 

American manufacturer Wolf. 

The next celebrity guest certainly had visitors tongues wagging, as Amy 

Childs lit up the room in a stunning turquoise dress. Amy happily posed for 

photographs with excited fans, and spent time with Spazio Design director 

Martino Basile, as he talked her through the various displays. Amy left to 

have lunch but returned at 5pm to enjoy the evening entertainment and 

was actually one of the last to leave! 

At 5pm Kieran Spivey, local singer and budding R&B star, began a set of 

classic ‘Rat Pack’ and jazz songs to get the party going in full swing. By 

this time, the drinks were positively flowing, with around 100 visitors in 

attendance enjoying festivities and entertainment. 

Guests were fed and watered 

throughout the Opening Day 

celebrations, whilst Amy Childs 

(right) looked absolutely beautiful 

enjoing a glass of bubbly! 

The evening was rounded off with the announcement of the winning free 

prize draw, with prizes including a £100 voucher to be used at the Blue 

Bridge restaurant in Writtle, a beautiful Italian hamper, a £150 Virgin Active 

experience voucher, plus a stunning Pebble coffee-table designed by 

Matthius Demacker. N.B. The winner of a Miele vacuum cleaner tried to 

swap prizes with the coffee-table winner, albeit without success! 

Spazio Design managing director Kevin Miles was clearly happy with the 

day`s events. “Five months ago we had a vision to bring a London style 

showroom to Chelmsford, one of England`s most up and coming towns, 

and now a city. To see this come to fruition with so many guests and 

friends is fantastic. The showroom looks amazing - exactly as we had 

hoped - and the response by visitors bodes well for our future success.” 

Page 2 The Edge 01245 348256

You’ll 

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Too flaming right The Edge will remember your name in future, love! 

This is Amy Childs, readers. Yes, off that ‘The Only Way Is Essex’ programme (apparently), but 

as your editor’s never even seen it, I didn’t know who she was when I spotted her at the all new, 

posh, sexy, Spazio Kitchen’s grand opening bash on Saturday 10th March at their impressive, 

spacious studio opposite Fitness First in New Street, Chelmsford. 

But now that The Edge has finally stopped dribbling, all it can say is, ‘Corrrrr, what a stunner!’ 

These days, Amy has ditched T.O.W.I.E. in favour of modeling, fashion and TV presenting, 

as well as a starring role in her very own show: ‘It’s All About Amy’ (Channel 5). 

And get this: according to Wikipedia, Amy “lives in Brentwood with her Mum and Dad, older 

brother Billy, and three thugs.” 

Eh? Three thugs? Do they mean pugs (as in: those cute ickle doggies)??? 

What’s all that about? Can anyone enlighten The Edge? 

Preferably the glam girl herself.... 

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The Edge 077 646 797 44 Page 3

The Edge Editor’s Column 

GET YOUR TICKETS NOW! 

What tickets? 

Why, for ‘Sparks Will Fly’, or course. Something 

majorly spectacular in Hylands Park on the 

evening of Friday 6th July. 

It’s tricky to describe, but a wonder to see, or so 

The Edge has been told. 

So get your FREE tickets on-line now at 

www.sparkswillfly.org.uk before the rest of the 

county gets their hands on ’em. 

10 GREAT THINGS ABOUT 

CHELMSFORD 

The Edge kicked off this brand new series last 

month, when Chelmsford was merely a town, 

with a warming tribute to Lek’s Thai Food outlet 

in Chelmsford Market, before admitting it was 

going to struggle to find another nine. 

So I requested your help - and what did I get? 

Bugger all. That’s right, sweet bugger all. 

Now I know you all read the mag, so it can’t 

have been the fact that you didn’t see my plea. 

So what is it then? Are you as dumbstruck as 

me? 

Come on, readers. As teachers used to write 

beside our essays and in our report cards: 

MUST DO BETTER in ‘idiot red’ ink. 

So let’s be hearing from you. Otherwise that is a 

truly damning indictment upon our ickle town. 

(Oops!) 

SO WE’RE A CITY? 

Hmmmmm. 

Well, they do say that ‘small is beautiful’. 

STYLISTICS 

I suddenly started singing You Make Me Feel 

Brand New to myself in a right HPV (high 

pitched voice) in the middle of the night and 

could I shake it off? 

Could I buggery. 

“My love, I’ll never find the words, my love...” 

How annoying is it when it happens, eh? 

“To tell you how I feel, my love...” 

Especially when you’re not particularly fond of 

the song in the first place. 

“Mere words could not explain...” 

Then it goes up an octave. 

“Precious love, you held my life in your hands...” 

What utter cobblers. 

“Created everything I am...” 

Honestly, I’d have far rather walked down 

Chelmsford chuffing High Street dressed like a 

Stylistic than have that bloody nonsense 

reverberating around dans my tete. 

KID’S SPEAK THE TRUTH 

This young kid walked past me holding hands 

with her mummy and said, “That man’s got a 

bald head just like daddy.” 

For some reason, her Mum apologised. 

CLASSIFIED ADVERTISER GOES 

A.W.O.L. 

I lost a semi-regular classified advertiser this 

month, readers, all because of my ‘attitude’. 

You see, they thought that after I’d constructed 

a quality advert for them and they’d run it for a 

few editions that they could then change it for a 

piss poor Mickey Mouse type advert, just 

because they were paying for it. 

No, no, no, no, no. Them’s not the rules. Sorry. 

Only while we’re on the subject, if you’re an 

advertiser, or a potential advertiser, don’t think 

for one minute that just because things run in 

such-and-such a manner wherever the hell else 

you’ve been advertising (up until now) that 

things will run exactly the same at The Edge, 

because they don’t. 

MEDAL 

Got up at 5:00am to finish this particular edition 

off as catching BSB (big silver bird) to Thailand 

the following day. I actually got up at 4:00am, 

looked at my Wallace & Gromit clock in my 

office, before thinking ‘bugger that’ and jumped 

back into bed for another hour. 

But I’m not telling you this because I think I 

deserve a medal for my DTD (devotion to duty) 

or anything. Although....I guess I am. 

Because it’s like Edge columnist Tracie points 

out on page 30 this month, if men do anything 

(and by that we do mean anything, including 

picking our own noses from time to time) then 

we damn well want you to know about it. 

And not just you, but everyone. 

So the bottom-line is probably (definitely), yeah, 

I really do want a medal for getting up at such a 

poxy, unGodly hour. 

THE EDGE Chelmsford CM2 6XD 

01245 348256 

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk 

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46-46-46 

SPOTTED (DICKS) 

The Edge spotted two topless dicks wearing 

Bermuda shorts by the traffic lights on Rectory 

Lane on THURSDAY 1st MARCH. 

Now it was a truly beautiful day out there on 

that particular day, but ‘shirts off’ and ‘loud 

shorts’ walking along a concrete footpath in 

Chelmsford Del Sol? 

Leave it out, lads. 

‘Plastic Brit’ 

Tiffany Porter OK by Edge 

Word has filtered through to The Edge that a 

Yank by the name of Tiffany Porter has been 

appointed British team captain in some athletics 

tournament or other (blimey, have the 

Olympics started already then?) ahead of 

Jessica Ennis and Mo Farah (who?). 

Whatever’s all the fuss about? 

We’ve got a Greek in the palace and no-one 

can understand a word Steven Gerrard says if 

he goes on to lead us in this summers Euro’s. 

Bottom line is, Tiff looks good in a pair of 

shorts and for spasmodic armchair viewers 

like The Edge, that’s all that bloody matters. 

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Bringing you a collection of own brand affordable T-shirts, jackets, jumpers, polo’s, shirts and 

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Forever in the pursuit of sexual desire, DIRTYloves ‘Play’ section offers customers a space 

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To celebrate the release of this sexy new brand, DIRTYloves have teamed up with TONI & GUY 

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CITIZEN 

Citizen celebrates bidding, although Citizen was puzzled by two. 

Chelmsford’s successful 

bid for City comprises places such as Rochester, Gillingham and 

Medway, in Kent, is actually an administrative area that 

Status and admits Chatham. Stand in any of those and ask directions to 

being taken by surprise 

over the timing Sunderland - and I’d imagine you’d get some pretty puz- 

Medway City Centre - as one might in say, Preston or 

as Citizen had already zled expressions! 

completed its second Further research shows that Rochester was once a city 

column - on 

- a status that initially passed to Medway borough when 

Chelmsford’s bid for city it was formed, but later an outgoing council neglected to 

status - when out of the appoint ceremonial Charter Trustees (whatever they 

blue (?) the announcement was made! 

are) to continue to represent Rochester, causing it to 

Having, perhaps in hindsight, been mildly disparaging lose its city status - an error not even noticed until 2002. 

about some rival bids, the editor gave Citizen a deadline How clumsy! Surely they should expect to remain in the 

to rewrite - whilst retaining the gist of the original, as naughty corner for a few years yet. 

you only have to watch the Oscars to know that once The other puzzling candidate was Tower Hamlets - a 

victory is announced, everyone becomes 

London Borough encompassing Brick Lane, Canary 

magnanimous in success! 

Wharf, Poplar and Stepney. Where exactly is the ‘city 

So here goes. Citizen loves cities (as its name may suggest) 

- and takes City breaks several times a year in the its commuting readers will work in Tower Hamlets and 

centre’ of Tower Hamlets? Citizen is aware that many of 

UK, Europe and further afield. 

that these words may well find their way there, but surely 

logic suggests that if this had achieved city status, 

Essex born and bred, Citizen had long believed that the 

county deserved a city and celebrates Chelmsford’s some or all of the other 30 or so London Boroughs 

success over its rivals, including the counties two other would want it too? And anyway, doesn’t London ‘the 

candidates. 

Metropolis’ already includes two cities - the City of 

However, some blogs and comments on websites seem London and Westminster? Surely it shouldn’t be 

to be a little condescending about the size of 

greedy? 

Chelmsford. In fact, at around 169,000 citizens, 

Hampshire - along with Kent and Essex, one of the 

Chelmsford is already bigger than 25 current English largest counties in the south - has three cities in 

cities, including Cambridge and such comparative minnows 

as Wells and Lichfield. Of its fellow candidates, Cambridgeshire - a much smaller county - also has 

Southampton, Portsmouth and Winchester. 

Chelmsford was only dwarfed by Reading (the 

three, including Ely, the third smallest in England. 

favourite), Dudley, Luton and Milton Keynes. 

Yorkshire has no less than six cities and Lancashire 

This raises another point, as in Citizens book, there three, excluding Liverpool and Manchester - both taken 

should be a distinction between your average city and a away to create the counties of Merseyside and Greater 

truly massive one, such as London or New York. Manchester, although despite this, many residents still 

For example, how can you use the same word to call themselves Lancastrians. Indeed, Lancashire 

describe Paris (population 2,181,371 in 2008) and County Cricket Club plays most of their matches in 

Bangor with 13,725 inhabitants? 

Manchester - apart from last season when they won the 

Citizen believes that a different name should be used County Championship mainly playing in Liverpool. 

for the great, world class cities, of which most countries Essex, of course, played at Ilford and Leyton long after 

only have one or two, and a few, like the US, have several. 

For example, Spain can probably lay claim to two even play Twenty20 at the Olympic Stadium in Stratford 

they had been hived off into Greater London and may 

(or maybe three, if you ask a Basque separatist!). one day. 

This word, already in limited use, came to prominence Had Bolton - also in Greater Manchester - been successful, 

this would have destroyed one of the great trivia 

in Fritz Lang’s classic 1927 film ‘Metropolis’. Doesn’t 

that suit places like London, Paris, New York, Rome and questions of all time: “Which is England’s largest town?” 

Sydney far better than using the same descriptor as for and led to a swift rewrite of a hundred Pub Quiz books. 

smaller cities that can be seen pretty thoroughly in a Nearer to home in Suffolk, Ipswich also applied. Had 

day or two from one of those open-top sightseeing they won, like Swansea, the football team would presumably 

have needed to change its name from Town to 

buses that seem to be everywhere you go in the world? 

Indeed, will Chelmsford now get one? 

City. Citizen would have to ask how the club that is in 

Chelmsford has no claim to be a Metropolis, but its success 

brings to a close a longstanding issue - that Essex the first attempt - and which gave England its two great- 

the record books as the only one to win the league at 

was the largest county in England without a city. est managers - could ever change its name from Town 

If you Google ‘which counties do not have a city’ a to City. This would also surely have confused those of 

Yahoo answer wrongly identifies fourteen. In fact, there their fans who use a particularly colourful bit of rhyming 

are ten, as four named DO include cities - Hertfordshire slang to serenade arch rivals Norwich CITY from over 

(St Albans); Huntingdonshire (which technically no the border in Norfolk! 

longer exists and would, in any case, include 

It was therefore right that England’s newest City was in 

Peterborough), Staffordshire (Stoke) and Wiltshire Essex - you could almost say it was ‘the only way’! 

(Salisbury). 

In Citizen’s view, while it would have also celebrated 

The remaining ten are Bedfordshire, Berkshire, 

victory for either Colchester (with Boudicca, the Castle 

Buckinghamshire, Essex, Northumberland, Rutland (no and the original University in its corner) or Southend 

surprises there), Shropshire, Suffolk, Surrey and (with the longest pier, the Kursaal and its Golden Mile) - 

Warwickshire. 

Chelmsford (as the home of County Cricket, the County 

You can see why Reading and the other three named Council, a small boutique Cathedral, the Crown Court 

above - along with Colchester and Southend - were and birthplace of radio) was the right choice. 

such strong rivals. 

Had the announcement of Chelmsford’s success come 

The Queen bestows city status on a town at every significant 

anniversary in her reign. At the Silver Jubilee in we might have echoed the famous Sun headline, “It was 

after Citizens original column had appeared, no doubt 

1977 it was Derby, in 1992 Sunderland and in 2002 both The Edge what won it.” However, Citizen strongly suspects 

that the Essex Chronicle might have had some- 

Preston all of it, I assume, and not just the North End 

part - and Newport became cities, although in the case thing to say about that! 

of the latter, the football team still thinks it’s a County. Citizen also salutes their efforts on the Town’s - sorry - 

This time there were 20 English towns (and 26 overall) city’s behalf! 


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The principle of the reach and wash 

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So what is pure water cleaning? 

Water naturally contains all sorts of 

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Reach & Wash 

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The principle of pure water lends 

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The traditional image of ladders, 

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and wash system. 

Why use the reach and wash 

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The system has great advantages 

as now all those hard to reach windows, 

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Despite it’s idyllic village 

green setting, Grahams on the 

Green in Writtle is hardly the 

most attractive looking place 

on the outside, is it? But once 

you pass swiftly over the 

threshold, everything slots 

nicely into place and it really 

does come into its own. 

Strangely enough, I’d never 

eaten at G-O-G before 

(although the wife has on a fair 

few occasions), yet I felt 

immediately at home, such is 

their unusual (these days) 

attention to detail and the way 

they genuinely seem to go out 

of their way to look after you. 

I’ve mentioned on many occasions 

that my all time favourite 

Chelmsford restaurant has 

always been Bada (when it was 

spelt like that - when Barry 

and David owned it), but there 

are some definite similarities 

at Grahams. 

It’s all about the way you do 

things so far as The Edge is 

concerned - how you set your 

stall out. For instance, 

Grahams gets 10/10 for its 

place-mats. Now, who in their 

right mind would notice a thing 

like that, you might wonder? 

Well, little details such as that 

are important to your editor, 

clearly. 

Then there’s the exquisitely 

shaped, super-large wine glasses 

and the lovely drop of 

Italian red we had in them, 

served at the most perfect room 

temperature (important, that). 

Even the background music 

seemed to be at a considered 

level and all these things surely 

don’t happen by chance. It’s 

clearly no accident that 

Grahams is the way it is. 

On top of all that, the food was 

lovely, and whilst that’s mainly 

what you go for, the way The 

Edge sees it, it’s the overall 

package that’ll make you 

return again and again. 

It was also pretty full for a 

mid-week evening as well. 

The wife and I opted for the 

2-course midweek set menu at 

£18.50pp. My salmon, potato 

and dill fishcake with tartar 

sauce was delicious, whilst 

Mrs Edge’s Confit Duck Salad 

with sauteed mushrooms and 

a walnut dressing was probably 

even better (damn)! 

Good starters definitely settle 

you down. If they’re only adequate, 

or poor, you’re on tenterhooks, 

dreading what might 

be served up next. 

What I particularly liked about 

Grahams was the fact I felt 

confident about the place’s 

high standards pretty much 

immediately. 

For my main course, being an 

‘adventurous bloke’, I had the 

pan-fried rib-eye steak (ha!), 

but with new potatoes (instead 

of chips) in a reduced balsamic 

roasted shallots whilst my 

nearest and dearest had the 

chicken supreme stuffed with 

semi-dried tomato, goat’s 

cheese and pesto, croquette 

potato, tomato sauce and 

salsa verde. 

Both were delicious and full as 

we were, we managed to share 

an equally scrumptious chocolate 

& hazelnut brownie with 

vanilla ice-cream for dessert. 

Would I return? 

You betcha! 

SUPPORT 

YOUR LOCAL 

CHELMSFORD 

RESTAURANTS, 

READERS! 

zen 

restaurant & noodle bar 

★ great food, excellent service 

★ stylish environment 

★ family’s welcome 

★ large parties catered for 

CHELMSFORD’S 

NOODLE BAR 

01245 353899 ★ 86-87 DUKE STREET CHELMSFORD 

WWW.ZENCHELMSFORD.CO.UK 

www.theedgemag.co.uk Page 11 

1 

st

Getting the ‘Old Me’ Back! 

Telesales £26,000 OTE 

Information Solutions - £14,000 basic + commission 

A great opportunity to join a young dynamic team 

You will need to be energetic, very hard working and 

ambitious. You must have a fun, outgoing personality 

and be comfortable making a high volume of 

outbound calls, handling rejections and forging new 

relationships. Ideally you will have previous telesales 

experience and great communication skills. 

If you really are ambitious call us NOW or submit your 

CV at www.dbsdata.co.uk/work-with-us 

Call: 01245 397 570 

www.ddbsdata.co.uk 

BEFORE 

AFTER 

In June 2011, I decided it was time to get the old me back, writes Claire 

Ellis. Not only was I unhappy with the way I looked after having two children, 

I had also been asked to be the Maid of Honour at my sister-in-laws 

wedding and I was adamant I was NOT going to be ‘the fat bridesmaid’! 

But I had absolutely no idea how I was going to achieve this. 

Then a friend mentioned to me she had heard of something called DNA 

Boot Camp and asked whether I wanted to go along with her for a FREE 

TRIAL session? Initially, I was very apprehensive about it, partly because 

of what I’d heard about Boot Camps and how it was very regimented and 

hardcore, and I just wasn’t sure I would fit in. But my friend didn’t want to 

go alone, so I agreed to go along anyway. 

At our first session, we were greeted by a friendly group of people of all 

shapes, sizes and abilities. I so enjoyed that first session that I really 

couldn’t wait to do another and another and another; I was pretty much 

hooked right from the off. 

There are many things I find great and uplifting about Boot Camp; from 

the incredibly friendly atmosphere and banter, the variety of the workouts 

(no two sessions are ever the same, unlike going to the gym, which I used 

to dread). The fact is, you never know what to expect next, which naturally 

means you never get bored or complacent. What’s more, both the support 

and encouragement the trainers give you is invaluable, especially if you 

find a certain type of exercise difficult. They always seem to be able to 

make things simpler for you if you’re struggling, but without compromising 

the workout. And, in time, you find that you can gently work your way up 

to achieving anything you want. 

Before I knew it, I was soon attending two evening Boot Camp sessions a 

week (there are morning sessions too) and today I regularly attend three 

sessions a week as well as running in between classes. 

If anyone had told me in back in June 2011 what I was going to achieve, 

I honestly wouldn’t have believed them. When I look at myself in the 

mirror today, I can actually see muscle definition (not to be confused with 

bulky muscles) in places I never knew muscles even existed. 

Although I was very happy with my new body shape - by the end of 

October last year I had dropped 2 dress sizes - I had not actually lost that 

much weight (even though I know that muscle weighs heavier than fat) so 

felt I also needed to address this. After discussing the matter with a DNA 

trainer, he asked me to list everything I ate and drank in a typical week. 

This I did and at the same time I also had my measurements taken, 

before being given my own personal nutrition plan (not a diet) to follow for 

4 weeks. 

And four weeks later, what do you know, I’d lost 8.4lbs (7.5 inches) and 

also dropped another dress size! 

Today I have all my old confidence back - and more - and feel great and 

so very proud of myself. These days, instead of simply being a mummy, 

I’m on a fast-track to becoming a Yummy Mummy too! 

Contact Brett Bowen on 0773 447 0727 

Page 12 The Edge 077 646 797 44

GOOD OLD PIE & MASH 

Would you Adam & Eve it, Maldon's famous Pie, Mash & Eel house is under 

new ownership. 

The Edge popped down there the other week to have a butcher’s and was 

mightily impressed. 

This unique eatery is located down the High Street towards the cockney 

mecca that is Promenade Park. 

Keeping with the tradition of London's famous pie, mash & eel house's (as 

endorsed by David Beckham, amongst others), the tiled walls and hanging 

photographs of old East End scenes is an ideal setting in which to be served 

your traditional mince pie with liquor and mash, all made freshly and baked 

daily on the premises, served with jellied or stewed eels for the die hards! 

Also included on their menu are a variety of 'normal' pies including Chicken & 

Mushroom, once again all hand-made in the kitchen, which also serves up a 

mean Wicks Manor bangers & mash, along with an extensive kid’s menu. 

So, me ole China's, next time you’re in Maldon, why not take a look at this 

fine establishment and pop in for some proper hearty East End nosebag. 

And in case you need a little help with the lingo in there, log onto.... 

www.cockneyrhymingslang.co.uk afore you go! 

Present this voucher to receive a 

WASH, CUT 

& BLOWDRY 

all for 

£22.00* 

CALL (01245) 346348 

Walk in appointments also available. 

* Offer available Monday - Friday 10am - 4pm 

* Offer valid until 31st May 2012 

* One voucher per customer only 

* This voucher not to be used in conjunction with any other 

promotional offer 

* Subject to availability / selected stylists 

6 Rainsford Road, Chelmsford, CM1 2QD. Tel: 01245 346348 

We are just 50 metres from the County Hotel. LATE NIGHTS: Wednesdays & Fridays 


When did you last treat yourself 

to a full body massage? 

BUY ONE 

GET ONE 

FREE 

on Fish Pedicures 

and Floatation 

Therapy ’til 

30/6/12 

Group bookings and parties welcome! 

Fish Pedicures 

Floatation Therapy 

plus Beauty & Massage Therapy 

all under one roof in 

Moulsham Street. 

GIFT VOUCHERS 

NOW AVAILABLE! 

FLOATATION THERAPY 

FISH PEDICURE 

MASSAGE / FACIALS 

WAXING 

SPRAY TANNING 

EYELASH/BROW TINTING 

MANICURE / PEDICURE 

GEL POLISH 

Unbelievable Prices for 

Women, Men & Children! 

Single Treatments 

or Package Deals 

177 Moulsham Street, Chelmsford, CM2 0LD. www.blissfulsoul.co.uk 

Tel: 01245 690 167 

info@blissfulsoul.co.uk 

‘LIVE’ ENTERTAINMENT ON SELECTED SATURDAY 

EVENINGS - ’PHONE FOR DETAILS! 

T H A N K Y O U 

Costa Coffee in Backnang Square, Chelmsford, don’t have to 

stock copies of The Edge every month for their customers 

to read/take....but they do. 

Costa are a massive corporation and rules are often set in stone 

at an exceedingly high level as to what the shopfloor workers 

on the ground both are and are not allowed to do. 

Do you see what The Edge is really saying here, readers? 

Costa Coffee - Thank You. 

HAIR REHAB 

IS NOW OPEN IN CHELMSFORD 

RAILWAY ARCHES 

With its dazzling backstage dressing 

room style mirrors and urban 

surroundings, from the moment you 

enter Rehab Hair Studio, you will be 

provided with an absolutely 

phenomenal service. 

Owners, world renowned master 

hairstylist Zak Menderin and his 

wife Naomi, have a combined 24 

years in the hairdressing industry 

and over the years their work has 

appeared in fashion shows, photo 

shoots and numerous national 

glossy editorials. 

Zak 

Zak’s career began 18 years ago 

at the great Vidal Sassoon salon in 

London. He then furthered his 

knowledge to then become a Senior 

Art Director for many Toni & Guy 

and Lee Stafford salons, before 

travelling the world to look after the 

hair of many ‘A’ list celebrities. 

Zak specialises in precision cutting 

and with his artistic vision and 

impeccable attention to detail 

enjoys working with clients to tailor 

haircuts to their individual needs. 

A true master of his craft, Zak 

keeps up with all the latest hair 

trends as they appear fresh on the 

global scene. 

Naomi 

After working for numerous 

Toni & Guy salons as a Style 

Director, Naomi spent her last few 

years working for independent 

salons within the Essex region. 

She merges stylish sophistication 

with youthful vitality to produce a 

trend-setting creation each and 

every time she cuts. 

Apart from cutting and colouring, 

Naomi is known for her customised 

human hair extensions and ultra 

BIG blow dry’s! 

Together, Zak and Naomi have now 

dedicated their lives to the Rehab 

Hair Studio in the railway arches in 

Chelmsford to create the very best 

of looks that will be unique to every 

one of their individual clients. 

Their handpicked talented stylists 

will also positively amaze you with 

their extensive knowledge of classic, 

but trend setting, haircuts and 

coloring. 

On entering Rehab, each client will 

be greeted and offered a variety of 

beverages and snacks by the salon 

manager. Then it’s a visit to the 

‘Wash House’ which is a truly 

innovative concept; it is actually a 

private room where clients are 

pampered with soft lights as they 

are having their hair washed, whilst 

they can also indulge in one of the 

many ‘Out of Body Experience’ hair 

treatments available. Then it’s a 

matter of sitting back and watching 

the big screen whilst having your 

hair done, or alternatively you may 

wish to check in with your latest 

social media through Rehab’s 

complimentary Wi-Fi. 

The décor consists of an eclectic 

mix of industrial vintage furniture, 

Chesterfield sofa’s and modern 

vintage lighting. 

At Rehab, its all about rehabilitating 

your hair and creating that individual 

look....so why not stop by soon 

and see what Rehab can do for 

you? 

Arch 22, Viaduct Road, Chelmsford, 

CM1 1TS. Tel: (01245) 348787 

Zak & Naomi 


‘DEAL’ 

on 50 

iPADs 

Readers, are any of you interested 

in buying a new iPad? 

Would you like to save yourselves 

a whole chunk of money? 

Fancy a bit of a ‘deal’ for cash? 

The Edge can get you one as it 

recently came by 50 due to a 

cancelled hospital contract cos of 

government cutbacks. 

Half-price. First come, first served. 

The first happy buyer can be seen 

(below) with his very own brand 

new iPad, so you can see what 

you’d be getting and that everything 

is cushty and kosher. 

For Christ’s Sake, 

Let ’Arry Coach 

England in the 

EURO’s 

Then we’d ALL be happy, right? 

That way, ’Arry finds out whether 

he’s like the job full-time or not. The 

FA find out whether they’d like ’Arry 

to have the job full-time or not. 

The way The Edge sees it, everyone’s 

a winner....apart from England 

in the Euro’s....no matter who’s the 

bloody manager. 

You want this mag’s nomination? 

Steve Coppell, on a minimum ten 

year contract. 

Forget all the farting and fannying 

about and calling the England 

coach a vegetable or ridiculing him 

for trying to keep himself dry. 

Appoint the right man (ha!) and stick 

by the bugger. 

And that means Steve Coppell, 

even ahead of Arsene Wenger. 

 

 

 

 

 

 


LONDON SOUTHEND AIRPORT IS NOW OPEN! 

London Southend Airport is finally taking off, with 

EasyJet flying 70 departures each week to the likes 

of Amsterdam, Alicante, Barcelona, Belfast, Faro, 

Ibiza, Jersey, Malaga and Mallorca. 

Passengers arriving at the airport have a simple 

and speedy start to their journey from the new light, 

modern and airy fly through terminal. It lies just 

under 100 paces from the new railway station and 

is connected by a wide, covered walkway. 

The airport is targeting a security process with a 

maximum four-minute waiting time. On arrival, 

passengers with hand luggage only will be able to 

process through to the train station platform in just 

15 minutes from leaving their aircraft. 

The new train station offers up to eight services per 

hour both to and from London, a seamless link 

between the airport and the Olympic Park at 

Stratford in just 44 minutes, whilst central London 

takes just 53 minutes. 

London Southend is the only UK airport with a 

direct mainline rail connection with the Olympic 

Games at Stratford. 

From May 10, a new daily route between London 

Southend and Dublin will offer Essex & East 

London travellers not only excellent access to 

Ireland’s capital, but also transatlantic connections 

to the USA. 

Three daily return services to Dublin with Aer 

Lingus Regional, operated by Aer Arann, will also 

offer passengers an easy and cost effective way of 

travelling to New York, Boston, Chicago and 

Orlando. 

With no other USA flights offered East of London, 

this means no more long and congested journeys 

to Heathrow or Gatwick. Passengers will also 

benefit from the new US Customs & Immigrations 

pre-clearance facilities at Dublin Airport that will 

allow them to arrive in the US as domestic passengers, 

saving huge amounts of time and stress after 

a long haul flight 

With Aer Arann already operating up to 10 flights 

per week from London Southend to Waterford, 

2012 is the year that London Southend Airport 

really takes off - not only as a modern, efficient 

regional airport, but also as a key player in the 

regeneration of Essex. 

Find out all the latest news and information 

from London Southend Airport at 

www.southendairport.com 

“A Word About Lee” 

Sometimes it’s worth reflecting on the 

value of star performers in our business. 

One of these is Lee McGoldrick. 

Lee first joined The Home Partnership 

five years ago and in that time, I can’t 

count the number of occasions I have 

noted his reliability, consistency and 

dedication to his job - and indeed our 

customers. 

Lee is now our Residential Sales 

Manager and our success in property 

sales of late is in no small part due to 

Lee’s skill, ability, proactivity, patience 

and care. 

It is often said that estate agency is more 

about people than bricks and mortar and 

this has always been our policy at The 

Home Partnership. However, Lee is simply 

‘a natural’ and his easy-going and 

supportive approach puts people at ease 

from day one. High on integrity and 

performance, coupled with a sincere 

desire to help people move and a rare 

attention to detail - that’s a winning combination! 

What’s more, his painstaking 

“nothing is too much trouble” approach 

means that we have continually delivered 

the results our clients have come to 

expect from an award winning agency. 

Lee has been pivotal in helping us 

achieve our aims both as a business and 

as a leader in our industry, and any of our 

clients who know him will surely agree 

that he exemplifies the highest calibre of 

professionalism, whilst delivering an 

enjoyable, personable approach. 

So, on behalf of our many happy clients, 

the company - and me personally - I’d like 

to say a very public thank you to Lee for 

everything he means to us here at The 

Home Partnership. Well done! 

Joanne Williams, Director. 

The Estate Agent 

that works for 

YOU! 

www.thehomepartnership.co.uk 

11 Duke Street, Chelmsford CM1 1HL 

Telephone: 01245 250222 


YOUR 

& 

letters 

emails 

KNICKERS 

Dear Edge, 

Here’s a photo of my 9 month old 

grandson (left), captured by his 

Dad in the bra & knickers section 

of our local Sainsbury’s supermarket, 

whilst Mum was trying on 

some post maternity underwear. 

My question is, does he take after 

his father, or his grandfather? 

Regards, 

Hugh Watt. 

Probably both of you! E.E. 

to theedge! 

CHELMSFORD, CM2 6XD. 

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk 

PARKING FINE 

Hi Shaun, 

I just thought I'd email to let you 

know that you shouldn't pay your 

'parking ticket' from the Riverside 

Retail Park! (Someone else has 

probably already emailed to tell 

you this, but in case they haven't..). 

You need to do some reading 

online to get your head around it, 

but basically parking on private 

land is governed by contract law 

and they have to prove a lot of 

things before they can successfully 

take you to court to make you pay 

(which very rarely/never happens) 

and then it would only be for the 

lost revenue. 

Their usual modus operandi is to 

send an invoice and/or official looking 

(threatening) letter to scare you 

into paying. If you just ignore them 

they will go away. 

Read this for the legal jargon which 

shows they would need to overcome 

a lot of obstacles to 

successfully take you to court: 

http://forums.pepipoo.com/index.ph 

p?showtopic=46975 

And read this for some 'plain english' 

advice: 

http://www.moneysavingexpert.com 

/reclaim/private-parking-tickets 

which I believe also includes 

advice on reclaiming monies if you 

have already coughed up. 

This forum thread details the 

stages of letters you can expect if 

you do ignore their threatening 

letters (which you should): 

http://forums.moneysavingexpert.co 

m/showthread.php?t=2214803 

That thread comes from the forum 

covering Private Parking Tickets 

which may be of use if you have 

issues: 

http://forums.moneysavingexpert.co 

m/forumdisplay.php?f=163 

(as may the Pepipoo forum linked 

to above). 

However, I imagine that you've 

already paid, as so many people 

do, but at least you'll know for next 

time. 

It may all change soon though, as 

Government is proposing to allow 

easier enforcement of private parking 

regulations: 

http://www.publications.parlia- 

ment.uk/pa/bills/cbill/2010- 

2011/0146/cbill_2010- 

20110146_en_20.htm (starts at 

section 56) which is nicely summarised 

in the comments at the 

bottom of this page: 

http://www.echonews.co.uk/news/8 

888532.South_Essex_MPs_back_c 

lamping_law_change/ 

....but it's not law yet! 

Hope this helps! 

Paul. 

Seems like I’ve been proper 

‘stitched up’ then! 

E.E. 

BASILDON 

Dear Large, 

What Basildon people do when it 

snows (see below). 

Quality! 

The natives down there are just 

like it says on the tin. 

Regards, 

Purchase. 

Nice one. I honestly think it’s a 

nice classy touch. Chelmsford 

surely needs such a sign (and 

complimentary snowman). E.E. 

SAVING FUEL 

Regarding your scooter article 

(March Edge), you ought to check 

out Scooter Central in Braintree. 

I got myself a Tamoretti retro 125cc 

there last May for £955 and have 

been pocketing the weekly difference 

in saved fuel between that 

and my car. 

So far I have saved a tidy sum of 

£1,070 which should be up to 

£3,000 by the end of this year. 

Lovely! 

Anonymous text message 

sent to The Edge. 

That’s not my main reason for 

wanting to buy a scooter this 

Spring, but it’s definitely a 

sound bi-product of owning one. 

With all 10,000 copies of The 

Edge mag now regularly being 

snapped up in the very first 

week after being made available 

to Chelmsford’s sporting Joe 

Public, that now means there’s 

3 weeks in every month when I 

could be pootering around to 

appointments without it being 

necessary to take the motor 

(and lug heavy boxes about). 

So yeah, to save money on 

otherwise extortionate fuel costs 

certainly seems to be a step in 

the right direction to me. 

Then there’s the fact you can 

park scooters easily and for free, 

and you rarely get held up in a 

tailback whilst on two wheels 

either (particularly approaching 

the Army & Navy roundabout 

along Princes Road in ‘rush 

hour’ which has become a 

proper bloody nightmare. 

So yeah, I honestly can’t wait to 

get one on two wheels. E.E. 


theEDGE 

DVD 

review 

THE INBETWEENERS MOVIE 

Quite simply, if you liked The Inbetweeners on the tele (and The Edge has 

followed them ever since the very first episode), you’ll like The Inbetweeners 

in this movie version because it’s literally just more of the same, only on 

a bigger screen (when it was released).....and they’re on holiday. 

The Edge absolutely loves these guys. Will McKenzie (Simon Bird) is the 

posh, techie, swatty, four-eyed one. Then there’s Simon Cooper (Joe 

Thomas - in the yellow shirt - who your editor actually ever-so-briefly met in 

The Wheatsheaf in Writtle, of all places, a Christmas or two ago), layabout 

Jay Cartwright (James Buckley) in the red England shirt, and last but by no 

means least, lanky Neil Sutherland (played by Blake Harrison, and what a 

movie star’s name he’s got). 

After finishing their ‘A’ levels the lads go on holiday to Malia on the Greek 

island of Crete and end up staying in the scankiest lodgings in town. 

Straight off they meet 4 unlikely lasses in the resort’s emptiest bar on their 

very first night out on the pull and it all sort of goes on from there. 

To be honest, the plot’s immaterial, but Neil’s dancing is fantastic, as is his 

penchant for pulling ‘older donkeys’ (sorry, ladies). 

Everything leads up to a Boat Party on the final night of their hols and it’s all 

good, fun stuff, but I do wish it had gone on for an extra 15 minutes. 

And now what? 

The Inbetweeners began back in 2008. They’ve successfully completed 

three series. The boys are now all leaving Rudge Park Comprehensive. 

It appears Will and Simon are going on to Uni, but what does life hold in 

store for Jay and Neil? Can another series (or three) be created? 

Hopefully, of course they can. 

Here’s hoping at any rate. 

P.S. Watch out for Mr. Gilbert, Head of Sixth Form, at both the start and the 

end of this movie. He plays an absolute blinder. 

All DVD’s hired from Blockbuster on Springfield Road. 

Tel. Chelmsford 269767 

Friendship 

Friendship between women: 

If a woman doesn't come home one night and the next day tells her 

husband she slept at a friend’s house, the 

husband will immediately call his wife's 10 best friends, all of 

whom will vouch that she never slept at their house. 

Friendship between men: 

If a man doesn't come home one night and the next day tells his 

wife he slept at a friend’s house, the wife will immediately call her 

husband’s 10 best friends, 8 of whom will confirm that he did 

indeed sleep over on their sofa, whilst the other 2 will swear blind 

he’s still there! 

MOVIE 

Lavenham . . . of all places! 

The Edge has always thought of Lavenham in Suffolk as a typically quintessential 

medieval English village of a bygone era....until one of its readers sent in the 

photograph above. 

And they’re not wrong either, unfortunately. GASH is in the Market Place and sells 

high quality knitwear in both lambswool and silk, as well as a distinguished range 

of linen clothes. 

Well I never. Fancy being a portrayer of both filth and smut, when all you really do 

is sell cardigans. 

Someone ought to report Elizabeth Gash to trade descriptions. I mean, fancy 

going all the way to Lavenham to ‘feed a horse’ and returning with but a pully. 

 

£3495.00 

Bathrooms, Ensuites, Cloakrooms, Wetrooms, Shower rooms 

Building work, Heating, Plumbing, Electrics, Tiles, 

Flooring, Carpentry, 

Ideal Standard, NoCode, Aqualisa Hi-Qu, Bette, Kaldewei, 

 

 

£3495.00 

Building work, Granite, Lighting, Tiles, Flooring 

Appliances, Sinks and taps, Electrics, Wood worktops 

K Kitchens, Made to measure kitchens, Granite, 

Solid wood worktops, Franke sink and taps, 

Abode, Appliances 

£3995.00 

£5995.00 

 

 

 

Family run business 

 

122 Byron road 

 

Essex CM2 6HJ 

Tel : 01245 269778 

Bathtub 

Bathrooms and Kitchens 

 

 

1A Edward Bright Close 

Maldon 

Essex CM9 5RU 

Tel : 01621 859966 

The Edge 01245 348256 Page 19

ONLY 

JOKING! 

Nothing Happened 

Old people have problems that you perhaps 

haven't even considered yet. For instance, an 

85-year-old man was requested by his doctor 

for a sperm count as part of his physical examination. 

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 

“Take this jar home and bring back a semen 

sample tomorrow.” So the next day, the 85-yearold 

man reappeared at his doctor's surgery and 

gave the doctor his jar back, which was as 

clean and empty as it had been the previous 

day. The doctor asked what happened and the 

man explained, “Well, Doc, it's like this. First I 

tried with my right hand, but nothing happened. 

Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing 

happened. Then I asked my wife for help. She 

tried with her right hand, then with her left hand, 

but still nothing happened. So then she tried 

with her mouth; first with the teeth in, then with 

her teeth out, but still nothing happened. Then 

we even called on Eileen, our next door neighbour, 

and she tried too, first with both hands, 

then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it 

between her knees, but still nothing happened.” 

The doctor was shocked to say the very least. 

“You asked your neighbour?”, he said with disbelief. 

The old man replied, “Yep. But none of 

us could get the jar open.” 

Why? 

TEACHER: Why are you late? 

STUDENT: Class started before I got here. 

Birth Date 

I was telling the new barmaid in my local about 

my uncanny ability to guess what day a woman 

was born, simply by feeling her breasts. 

"Really?" she said. "Go on then, see if you can 

guess my birthday?" 

After about 30 seconds of fondling her breasts 

she began to lose patience. 

"Come on," she demanded, "what day was I 

born?" 

I said, "Fookin’ yesterday, love." 

Tic Tac 

As I stepped out of the shower, my wife laughed 

and said that my penis looked just like a tic tac. 

I replied, "If that's the case, why does your sister 

still have bad breath?" 

That soon wiped the smile off her face. 

St. Valentine’s Day 

I booked a table for me and the missus as it 

was St. Valentine's Day, but it all ended in tears. 

She's crap at snooker. 

Lotto Ticket 

One day, the wife came home with a spectacular 

diamond ring on her finger. 

"Where did you get that ring?" I asked. 

"Well,” she replied, "my boss and I played the 

Lotto at work and we won, so I bought it with my 

share of the winnings." 

A week later, she only comes home wearing a 

long fur coat, doesn’t she. 

So I said, “Where did you get that coat?" 

She replied, "Well, would you believe that me 

and my boss won again on the Lotto, so I 

bought it with my share of the winnings." 

Another week goes by and this time the missus 

turns into our driveway in a brand new flame red 

Ferrari. Yeah, you guessed it, with her share of 

yet another Lotto victory. 

That same night, she asked me to run her a 

nice warm bath while she got undressed. When 

she entered the bathroom, she immediately 

started moaning and said there was barely 

enough water in the bath to cover the plughole. 

So I quipped, “Well, you don't want to get your 

Lotto ticket wet, do you?" 

Ungodly Hour 

Our ’phone rang at three in the morning the 

other night. The wife was spooked and said, 

“Christ Almighty! Who’s that ringing at this 

ungodly hour?" 

I said to her, “I wouldn’t need to answer it if I 

bloody well knew that, would I?" 

School Bags 

A mate of mine’s got twins and he fell in love 

with their school bags. Now he's bisatchel. 

Seal 

A seal walks into a club... 

Coast 

I went to see my doctor the other day and he 

said, “You should take a trip to the coast. The 

sea air’s great for the flu.” So I took his advice 

and do you know what, he was damn right. I 

was in bed all of the following week with the 

worst flu I’ve ever had. 

Vengeance 

My therapist reckons I’ve got a preoccupation 

with vengeance. Well, we'll see about that then, 

won’t we? 

River Walk 

Two Irishmen were walking on opposite sides of 

the river with no bridge in sight anywhere. 

So Mick shouts, “Hey, Paddy. How do I get over 

to the other side?” 

Paddy shouts back, “You’re already on the other 

side, y’daft eedyt.” 

Passport Control 

A tourist at Charles de Gaulle Airport was asked 

by Passport Control, “What is your nationality?” 

“German,” he responded. 

The officer then asked, “Occupation?” 

To which the Kraut replied, “No. Just visiting.” 

Mexican Maid 

A Mexican Maid asked for a pay increase. Well, 

the lady of the house was very upset by that so 

decided to discuss the matter with her. 

She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want a pay 

increase?” 

Maria: “Well, Senora, there are tree reasons 

why I wanna increase. Firstly, I iron better than 

you do.” 

“Says who?” says the lady of the house. 

Maria: “Your husban’, he say so.” 

Wife: “Oh really?” 

Maria: “Secondly, I am better cook than you.” 

Wife: “Says who?” 

Maria: “Your husban’ again.” 

Wife (increasingly agitated now): Oh he did, did 

he?” 

Maria: “And turdly, I am better at sex than you.” 

Wife (really livid now): “So my dirty rotten 

scoundrel of a husband told you that as well, did 

he?” 

Maria: “No, Senora. Gardener did.” 

Wife: (Ahem) “I see. How much of a raise were 

you looking for exactly, Maria? 

Happy & Sad 

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV 

programme about psychology which was busy 

explaining the phenomenon of ‘mixed emotions’. 

During an interval, the husband turned to his 

wife and said, “That is such an absolute crock of 

shit. I bet you can’t tell me anything at all that 

will make me both happy and sad at the exact 

same time?” 

His wife thought for as moment, before blurting, 

“Out of all your mates, you’ve got the biggest 

cock.” 

Gay Friend 

I asked a gay friend (no, not you, another one) 

what’s the best way to remove a condom? 

Do you know what he said? Do you know what 

his one word answer was? 

“Fart.” 

Yorkshire Farmer 

A farmer in Yorkshire sees a bloke drinking from 

his stream in the distance and shouts, "Ey up, 

cock. Tha' dunt want to be drinkin’ watta outta 

theer. It's full o’ hoss piss, sheep shit an’ cow 

dung.” 

The fellow stops, looks up and shouts back, "Sir, 

I am being from Pakistan, so can you please be 

speaking more clearly and slowly please?" 

So the farmer cups his hands to his mouth and 

replies, "IF....THEE.... USES.... TWO.... ’ANDS... 

...THEE....WON’T.... SPILL....A....DROP." 

Now then, readers, I unfortunately had to 

think about whether you’d have the stomach 

for this last joke, on the grounds that it 

might be an ickle bit racial and what have 

you. But hailing, as I do, from Yorkshire 

(“Tha’ can alus tell a Yorkshireman, but tha 

can’t tell ’im much” - love it!), I spent numerous 

occasions in Bradford, where I naturally 

stood out, due to my light skin tone, so I’m 

going to allow it as I happen to think the egg 

yoke’s on the stereotypical Yorkshireman 

who hates ought that’s not born and bred in 

either Leeds, Harrogate, Sheffield, Barnsley 

or bloody Dewsbury! 

E.E. 

All jokes published are supplied by Edge readers. Please send your ‘egg yokes’ to shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Trans, 

Alternative Dresser? 

Confused? Lonely? 

Looking for a night out with 

like minded people? 

If so, then Club Alternative is the 

place for you. At Club Alterative, 

they aim to provide a safe haven 

for all those who like a colourful 

and fun filled night out where you 

can be yourself without fear of 

embarrassment or ridicule. 

Their venue has a licensed, cosy 

chill-out lounge bar with food 

available at very reasonable prices. 

There’s also a large, separate 

disco hall for those who like to hit 

the dance floor! 

you are. 

Release your inner beauty and join 

the gang at Club Alternative where 

‘there are no strangers......only 

friends you’ve yet to meet’. 

For further event details please 

visit www.clubalternative.org.uk 

Or telephone 07709 162 682 

The venue also offers changing 

facilities for those who may like to 

get changed on site. This is particularly 

welcomed by fetish dressers 

and cross-dressers alike who regularly 

attend on a monthly basis. 

However, although fetish dressers 

are most welcome, please understand 

that there is a strict ‘no play’ 

and ‘no nudity’ policy. 

At Club Alternative, sexuality and 

gender holds no bars, so feel free 

to express your diversity whoever 


173 Moulsham Street, Chelmsford, Essex, CM2 0LD 

01245 357107 

sales@jamesdancemusic.com 

www.jamesdacemusic.com 

Specialists in New and Quality Used Muscial Insturments 

Guitars, Orchestral String, Woodwind, Brass, Keyboard & Precussion 

Page 22 

Instrument Accessories 

Sheet Music & 

Examination books 

 

& Expert Repair Service 

Instrument, PA & AMP Hire 

Opening Times: 10.00 - 5.30 Mon - Sat 

Edge reader Steve Austin & his 

missus at the Chelmsford 

Odeon. 

Find us on... 

Music Matters 

Nowadays, walking into a music shop 

can feel like entering a 

supermarket, what with countless 

departments and members of staff so 

busy they seem to have forgotten their 

target audience - the musician. 

But James Dace Music, with its new 

shop in Moulsham Street, has captured 

the authenticity of a 

traditional music shop perfectly, whilst 

staying completely up to date with all the 

latest musical equipment. They specialise 

in a wide range of well known 

branded musical instruments, accessories, 

sheet music and books, and offer 

sound professional advice with quality 

service guaranteed. 

Since launching in September 2011, 

JDM have happily and successfully met 

the requirements of the entry level musician, 

intermediate, teacher, school, college 

and professional performer. Their 

collection of 

guitars, orchestral string, woodwind, 

brass, keyboards and amps are most 

desirable, along with their wide range of 

accessories catering to all instruments 

across the board. 

When it comes to sheet music and 

books, JDM offer a highly diverse selection, 

ranging from Classical, Blues, 

Rock, Pop, Jazz, and Folk to World 

Music, Musicals, Opera and educational 

publications such as examination books 

and papers, and theory tutors for beginners 

to advanced. So if you are searching 

for a single piece of sheet music of 

any genre, their in-house sheet music 

download facility stores a massive 

40,000 titles which can be transposed to 

any key or any instrument arrangement 

and handed to the customer within 

minutes. 

Other great services that JDM 

provide include their Ebay store, selling 

quality second hand 

instruments, along with their next day 

mail order delivery on all 

products from the main store. 

Families and students reluctant to spend 

lots of money on a new instrument can 

also take advantage of their short to 

long term instrument hire scheme, which 

proves to be far more cost effective in 

comparison to school hire. 

For the Solo performer, Band, DJ or 

venue requesting pro music equipment, 

the PA and Guitar Amp Hire is very popular 

and extremely 

competitively priced.And iIf you want 

tuition in guitar, piano, woodwind instruments, 

vocal coaching or assistance 

with GCSE coursework, their in-house 

music lessons take place from Monday 

to Saturday from 6pm onwards and are 

conducted by professional and qualified 

teachers. 

Finally, JDM’s highly recognised, in 

house instrument repair service delivers 

quality and dedicated workmanship specialising 

in guitar and stringed instrument 

set ups to woodwind and brass 

maintenance. This, along with the many 

other great services, makes James 

Dace Music an absolute life saver to any 

musician in Essex. 

SIBERIAN TEMPERATURES 

at CHELMSFORD ODEON 

Dear Editor, 

My wife and I recently chanced our arms once again by returning to the 

Chelmsford Odeon for a matinee performance of ‘War Horse’, as featured 

in this publication last month. Being a fairly long film, we knew that if the 

Siberian temperatures in the screening room were similar to those of our 

previous visits, then we would both indeed be in for an epic struggle. 

Despite pre-show assurances from the Odeon manager that all of their 

theatres are checked for a ‘comfortable temperature’, the pair of us came 

out feeling absolutely freezing. In fact, we might as well have been in the 

trenches ourselves! 

I wonder have any other readers had similar experiences at Chelmsford’s 

one and only cinema? 

A few of my pals now go up to Cineworld at Freeport (Braintree) instead, 

where you can apparently sit in comfort without the need for thermal 

underwear, a pair of gloves, scarf, wooly hat and a hip flask. 

Bring back the Regent and the Select is what I say, although now I really 

am showing my age! 

Regards, 

'Stone Cold' Steve Austin 

(yes, that really is my name!) 

Well, sir, the very top brass (and I mean those in the highest reaches, 

as opposed to the troops on the ground) at the Chelmsford Odeon 

don’t particularly approve of The Edge, on account of me ‘writing a 

very truthful synopsis’ of an ‘experience’ I encountered there many 

moons ago, and as much as I despise such an attitude and will 

happily take any opportunity offered to rattle their cages, unfortunately 

no, sir, I cannot say I have ever caught frostbite in there, 

despite also seeing a matinee performance of ‘War Horse’ in there 

recently. But as Billy Connolly says, “There’s no such thing as the 

wrong temperature.....only the wrong clothes.” 

E.E. 

www.theedgemag.co.uk

I 

n January 2011, a team was created by 

Dance & Cheer 49 (DC49) made up of a 

group of 14 aspiring dancers from The 

Boswells School, Chelmsford, of mixed 

ages, abilities and backgrounds. Primarily, 

the aim was to train in the style of ‘Lyrical 

Jazz’ in order to increase their versatility as 

dancers and enter small competitions 

throughout the UK. Yet within just a few 

weeks and under 10 hours of training, a twoand-a-half 

minute routine entitled ‘The Rose’ 

was created and ready to be performed at 

the ‘ICC Southern Regional Competition’. 

This routine was warmly received by all of 

the spectators and judges alike and the 

team managed to gain 2nd place in their 

very first competition. 

After further training, the routine was entered 

into the ‘Future Cheer International Cheer & 

Dance Competition’ and amazingly, it was 

here that they were rewarded with the prize 

that every dancer can only dream about - 

the chance to compete at the World Dance 

Championships in Orlando, Florida. 

In addition, the dancers have been asked to 

compete at the 'ICU World Championships' 

also held in Orlando. This event is Olympic 

themed in which just one team from each 

country competes in the hope of winning a 

Gold, Silver or Bronze medal. 

These competitions, which run during 24th April - 

2nd May 2012, involve dance teams from all over 

the world, yet this is the very first time these 

Boswells School dancers have ever been invited 

to anything even remotely at this level and something 

they never imagined would happen after 

such a small amount of training and experience in 

this particular dance style. That’s why the dancers 

are currently undergoing intense training sessions 

in order to be able to proudly represent the UK at 

Chelmsford Dancers 

to represent UK 

such a very high level and are dedicating each 

and every hour to ensuring they improve and 

progress. 

Now For The Ugly Bit: Undertaking a trip of this 

nature obviously has huge financial implications, 

so the dancers and their parents have been 

organising endless events and activities in order 

to raise sufficient funds. So far they have managed 

to raise just over £4,000 and although they 

are very proud of what they have achieved, the 

financial impediments mean that 

they are still a long way short of 

their ultimate target. To cover 

their flights, transfers, hotel 

accommodation, minibus hire, 

entrance fees, kit and use of 

training facilities whilst over 

there, they are going to need 

approximately £1,050 per 

dancer. Unfortunately, to date, 

they have been turned down by 

a large amount of 

funders due to this prestigious 

event being held overseas. 

Teenagers continually receive 

bad press, but these dancers 

are working so incredibly hard. 

They train endlessly, they all 

help each other out and they are 

all growing up to be happy, 

healthy, disciplined and positive 

individuals with real determination. 

Surely this attitude and 

behaviour is something that 

ought to be both rewarded and 

encouraged? 

Some of the dancers have never 

even travelled abroad before, so 

not only is this an experience of 

a lifetime, it is also incredibly 

educational, as well as being a 

truly fantastic challenge. 

This dedicated team of young dancers are still 

looking for sponsorship and donations that will 

help them raise enough money to fund their trip. 

If anyone is interested in sponsoring or giving 

donations to the team, please contact Jane Dixon- 

Hodge on 0772 556 8628 

Written by Matthew Jones and Jane Dixon-Hodge 

its that t time again! 

ROSE AND CROWN 

WRITTLE 

BEER 

FESTIVAL 

57 The Green, Writtle, Chelmsford, Essex. CM1 3DT 

Tel: 01245 420066 - Email: rose.crownwrittle@btinternet.com 

om 

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co.uk 

Rose and Crown 

Public House : Restaurant : Function Room 

EASTER BEER FESTIVAL 

IS BACK 

Easter weekend April 6th - 9th 

Over 50 real ales, cider and perry 

LIVE MUSIC EACH EVENING 

(Friday, Saturday & Sunday) 

UP AND COMING EVENTS 

19th April - Open Mic Night 

26th May - Working Progress Band 

Function room available for hire 

Homemade Food Served Daily 

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk Page 23

I’M Spartacus! 

How many of you good readers are 

still tuned into the Spartacus trilogy? 

At first, I thought it was just your 

editor and Edge colonist Kingpin that 

tuned in, but now even he’s abandoned 

ship. 

To be honest, I don’t even know what 

channel it’s on (the wife records it) 

and this third series is sadly proving 

to be not a patch on the other two. 

However, I was watching it the other 

way of one of me new builds, or constructing 

one of me high falutin barn 

conversions out in the country. Then 

there’s all that make-up to slap on 

and all those lines to learn.” 

But wouldn’t you rather be performing 

Viva Bianca and JP in a scene 

from Spartacus: Vengeance 

night when it suddenly dawned on 

me what an uncanny resemblance 

there is between Gauss Claudius 

Glazer (NZ actor Craig Parker, 41, 

pictured below, who also played The 

part of Haldir of Lorien in The Lord of 

the Rings trilogy, so they tell me) and 

Chelmsford builder ‘Johnny Boy’ 

Price of Price Construction. 

Come on, readers - they could 

almost be brothers, right? 

“I’ve done a bit of acting, as it happens 

(sniff),” says JP, in an exclusive 

interview with The Edge over a 

builders brew (that’s anything with 

three sugars in it - yep, even in a 

cup-o-soup), “but it right gets in the 

Is this John Price the builder, or 

Craig Parker the NZ actor? 

sexy Roman orgy scenes with a 

scantily clad Viva Bianca (28) than 

being pebble-dashed in Pitsea, The 

Edge wanted to know? 

“Listen,” says John, “....workin’ on 

site from mornin’ ’til night, that’s livin’ 

alright (that’s livin’ alright), then a pint 

with the boys in a bar full of noise, 

that’s livin’ alright (that’s livin’ 

alright)....” 

So you wouldn’t trade places with 

your alter ego Craig Parker then? 

“Don’t get me wrong, Craig’s a good 

lad and acting’s not necessarily just 

for sissies, but it‘s a builders life for 

me. Hey, make sure there’s three 

sugars in that, please, love!” 

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Circular Strength Training 

Local (but Russian) girl Natalie has been practicing the Circular Strength 

Training (CST) system for about a year and is “well impressed”, so 

here’s a run down of its benefits:- 

CST was put together by Scott Sonnon, one of the world's top martial artists, 

as a way to achieve peak performance free of injury. 

The underlying idea is to look at the human body as a whole. 

The system aims to free up and strengthen all possible movement patterns 

that the human body is designed to access (up/down, side to side, 

forward/back and rotation around each axis/direction). Training of the rotation 

patterns is the main feature, which distinguishes CST from conventional gym 

workouts with either machines of free weights, such as dumbbells or barbells. 

The form of free weight tool used in CST is a clubbell, which looks a bit like a 

baseball bat. The use of it relies purely on muscular strength as there is no 

‘handle’ to rest on the bone and joint structure, like a dumbbell or a kettlebell. 

The movements happen more or less 360 degrees around the joints and the 

strength gains occur in the weakest areas first - hand, wrist, rotator cuff - so 

that annoying, all too common nagging injuries, are prevented. 

The comprehensive joint mobilisation warm up and compensatory 

movements after the the main workout also 

have a major role to play in injury prevention. 

“I work as a personal trainer and most people in my 

practice turn to exercise with the main overriding goal of 

losing weight and obtaining a trimmer body shape. 

One of the pleasant side effects of practicing CST is a 

more athletic, slimmer shape. Workouts are designed in 

a way where intensive work over 20-30 minutes (plus 

warm up and cool down) achieves adjustment in the rate 

the body burns fat over the next 48 hours (i.e. well after 

the exercise session has finished).” 

CST movements are multi-joint exercises involving practically 

all muscle groups, making them very efficient for 

weight loss. 

“As your fitness levels improve, the sophistication of movements will 

increase, resulting in better coordination and a varied fun routine.” 

Your cardio-health will also improve (without pounding the pavement or a 

treadmill for hours) - you only need to see someone puffing after a good 

CST workout for proof of that! 

Another reason to work with a CST instructor is they would never ask you to 

go where they haven’t been themselves. Certification involves a very tough 

fitness test called ‘trial by fire’ where one must demonstrate perfect technique 

with a set weight against the clock. 

“I am pleased to say that I am the only girl in Essex who has managed it so 

far and I would be happy to teach you locally,” says Natalie. “I am also happy 

to answer any questions and/or arrange for a demo. 

cst-essex@live.co.uk or 07963 557 049 

Natalie 

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk Page 25

HIGH FINANCE 

We’re all painfully aware of the 

financial quagmire our country is 

mired in and, thanks to a couple of 

mentions in this very publication 

and, possibly, Jeremy Clarkson, 

you’re probably aware that the public 

sector is bearing the brunt of 

central government’s cutbacks and 

austerity measures. 

ME & MY adamantium 

skeleton 

It’s only April, giving us a full 8 

months until December, and yet I’m 

already sick to the back teeth of 

knob-jockeys rattling on about 

December 2012, the Mayan calendar 

and the ‘end of the world’. 

Let’s clear one thing up straight 

away. If you give any credence at all 

to this absolute tosh then you are, in 

scientific terms, ‘a f ing idiot’. 

*** 

Yes, I know some of you probably 

do believe it, and if you do, then 

yes, my last sentence was aimed 

squarely at you. Please stop reading 

this article now before the 

incoming barrage of common sense 

makes your nose bleed. 

Unavailable for comment due to 

his ‘shooting’ schedule 

You’re also surely aware, unless 

you’ve been living under a rock or 

you’re an idiot, that the financial 

situation of our European cousins is 

even more dire. But don’t worry, I’m 

not about to launch into a tired diatribe 

about the reasons behind it or 

our plans to get out of it as that poor 

horse has definitely been flogged 

enough times. 

What I want to bring to your attention 

is some of what is occurring on 

the continent that you might not 

have heard about. We all know 

about the massive cutbacks and 

resulting riots in Greece, as the 

birthplace of democracy drowns in a 

tsunami of public rage, kebabs and 

tzatziki, but you’re probably not 

aware of what the Spanish are up 

to. 

I’ve tried to look on the bright side 

of this financial meltdown where I 

can. It’s only when we’re faced with 

huge problems like this that humanity 

really starts to think outside the 

box, to look at the way we’ve 

always done things and finally question 

their validity. I’m not naive 

enough to think that there’ll be a 

global epiphany and we’ll all agree 

that perhaps a financial system 

based solely on the merits of greed 

is really a good idea, but I’m hoping 

we’ll see some radical ideas being 

floated that will make us stop and 

think, or at least do a double take. 

Luckily, the Spanish seem to be 

making a good start. Judging by 

some of the things I’ve read, we’ve 

got it easy over here. Spare a 

thought for the town of Moia in 

Catalonia, whose public services 

are so debt ridden they’ve 

announced they can’t afford to bury 

their dead anymore. 

OK, so I’ve had to put up with a pay 

freeze for the last few years, but at 

least I’m not tripping over corpses 

on the way to work. No, I don’t do 

that until I’m actually in the office 

(boom-boom!) 

Page 26 

You can spot public sector staff 

a mile off 

It’s not all doom and gloom and rotting 

cadavers though, as those wily 

Spaniards have managed to come 

up with a few ways to stave off 

financial disaster. The small town of 

Sodeto decided to pool their 

resources and enter the huge 

Spanish lottery ‘El Gordo’. This 

basically translates to ‘The Fat 

One’, so you immediately know it’s 

good. I don’t know why Camelot 

didn’t come up with something like 

that, but then again, they did originally 

have Eamonn Holmes presenting 

the shenanigans. 

The 250 cash strapped residents of 

Sodeto actually won ‘El Gordo’, 

sharing a prize of around £600 million, 

which apparently caused the 

rapturous farmers to ‘tear’ around 

the town on their tractors, and nothing 

gladdens the heart more than 

seeing screaming middle aged men 

doing doughnuts on tractors. 

We can’t all be that lucky though, so 

The Mayor of Rasquera, about to 

shizzle his nizzle. Or something. 

The Kingmeister reports 

the town of Rasquera really has 

come up with an innovative idea to 

raise some much needed cash. 

The local council of Rasquera have 

agreed to rent out land for local 

businessmen to grow marijuana on, 

a move stunning in both its simplicity 

and how much it’s sure to piss a 

whole load of idiots off. 

I’ve spoken before about how we 

should stop being so bloody stupid 

and legalise drugs, so it’s refreshing 

to see a public body - that isn’t in 

Holland - putting aside their kneejerk 

moral reactivism and actually 

looking at the idea in the cold harsh 

light of day. 

Granted, I doubt this proposition 

would have got off the ground without 

the appalling economic mess 

they’re in, but this is what I mean 

about radical, ‘outside the box’ solutions 

coming into play. 

Will it work? Almost without a doubt. 

Not only will they be getting money 

from the land rental, but they’ve 

effectively cut local organised crime 

off at the knees, saving yet more 

public money because the police 

aren’t wasting their time chasing 

people growing pot. 

While I may be making a trifle light 

of matters here, I genuinely do hope 

to see more of this sort of thing 

going on. More people in and out of 

authority challenging our usual ways 

of thinking and proposing the outrageous 

and unexpected. While we 

won’t be seeing the death of capitalism 

anytime soon, if the mess we’re 

in actually makes us put the brakes 

on being so greedy and wasteful, 

then, maybe, just maybe, it will have 

actually been worth it. 

DOOMSDAY 

(FOR IDIOTS) 

Obviously he’s a trustworthy 

source of information 

For those of you who don’t know, 

the Mayan ‘long count’ is an 

extremely well thought out and 

accurate calendar. Spanning several 

thousands of years, it ends on (supposedly) 

December 12th 2012. 

Obviously the logical assumption is 

that if the calendar of an ancient 

mesoamerican people ends, then 

naturally the entire world is going to 

end. 

This hypothesis is unfortunately 

called into question by the small fact 

that the Mayans never, not once, 

mentioned anywhere, ever, that the 

world was going to end on this date. 

This is what we in the trade of reason 

and common sense call a ‘fact’ 

(look it up) and should really put the 

stupid idea to bed right now. 

In case it doesn’t though, I give you 

Julius Ceasar, inventor of the leap 

year in 45BC. The inception of the 

leap year has actually slowed down 

the passage of time with the addition 

of the extra day in February 

every 4 years. Without leap years 

(which the Mayan calendar has no 

idea about), it’s actually already 

2013, meaning the world should 

have ended some time last year. 

Nope, I didn’t notice it either. 

Still, if you’re really dead set on the 

world coming to an end on 

December 12th this year, then drop 

me a line and give me your bank 

details, please. 

www.theedgemag.co.uk

HAPPYEASTER 

from 

UNCLE EDGE 

KIDS! 

Yep, it’s a dog eating a Bunny 

Wabbit alright....there’s no mistake 

about that. And best of all, kids, 

Rover said, “Ruff, ruff, ruff!” which 

in doggy language means it tasted 

ooooooh so good, all that meat 

and blood and gore and stuff. 

Come to think about it, surely that 

ought to be the true meaning of 

Easter? The proper message? 

From your butcher, that is: 

EAT MORE WABBITS! 

Because we don’t, do we? Yet 

they’re such a stupid little creature 

that maybe we ought to just.... 

EAT ’EM? 

Kids should be shocked and 

scared out of their wits at Easter! 

City Status 

Hi Shaun, 

So what is The Edge’s take on 

Chelmsford’s city status? Will it 

make any difference to the man in 

the street? Will local amenities 

improve? Will our house prices 

double overnight? Will our Council 

Tax double instead? Will our council 

now get better funding to stop 

our roads looking like pock-marked 

teenagers faces? 

Hopefully it can only be a good 

thing for the great place in which 

we live. 

I have to say, when people (especially 

foreign people) used to ask 

about where I lived, I always used 

to mention that Chelmsford was 

the only town in England that had 

a Cathedral, only now I won’t be 

able to drop that little nugget of 

gold into the conversation anymore, 

so maybe you can suggest 

an alternative gem of information 

(I had heard rumours that 

Chelmsford has the busiest two 

platform station in the country?). 

Still really love the mag. I seem to 

have noticed it’s now available in a 

lot more locations than it used to 

be, although possibly I might be 

just imagining that. 

Best regards, 

Stuart Raven 

Marketing Director 

Chelmsford 

S’gotta be the comical rickety 

‘fairground attraction’ (Big 

Dipper?) above our A&N roundabout, 

surely, sir? E.E. 

IT’S ALL ABOUT 

THE LEATHER 

WE CAN REPAIR 

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Cracking 

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The Edge 01245 348256 Page 27

FIFTY...NOT OUT 

by Steve Ward 

Decline and Fall 

Boris Johnson. Now there’s a name to 

conjure with. He’s one of those people 

who has a whole army of haters, yet 

somehow manages to float above it all 

with his amiable and eccentric persona. 

He could have come straight out of the 

pages of a PG Wodehouse novel as the 

daft uncle. The whole buffoon thing is 

almost certainly an act though, because if 

you catch sight and sound of him in a 

more serious moment, he’s clearly got a 

very sharp mind. That act hasn’t done him 

any harm at all though in his inexorable 

rise up the various ladders he climbs - 

journalist, politician, TV personality. 

Anyway, all that is by way of introduction 

to some thoughts about the getting old, 

and the birth of a wonderful new phrase 

to accompany the process. We’ve got 

another diversion to go round first though. 

Boris, or BoJo as certain people have 

dubbed him, got himself into trouble a few 

years ago for writing that the inhabitants 

of the city of Liverpool liked to wallow in 

misery. He added that they seemed to 

actually encourage and enjoy anything 

that allowed themselves to be portrayed 

as victims. And if that sense of victimisation 

put them at odds with the rest of the 

country, even better. There was nothing 

they liked more than a touch of onedownsmanship 

As contemporary evidence of what Boris 

was getting at, witness the recent furore 

over Luis Suarez’s racist remarks to 

Patrice Evra. The incomprehensible 

Scotsman, King Kenny Dalglish, stirred 

the pot by refusing to apologise, sticking 

by his man and invoking the old ‘everyone 

hates us’ attitude to which Boris had 

referred a decade earlier. At least, 

Dalglish refused to say sorry until the 

American owners of Liverpool Football 

Club wrote an apology for him. You just 

knew it wasn’t all his own work because it 

was in coherent English and didn’t speak 

to the reader as if he was an idiot. Let’s 

be clear - in Liverpool he may be King 

Kenny, but the rest of the country thinks 

he’s a complete tit. 

At about the same time as King Kenny 

was making a fool of himself, a number of 

old cabinet papers from Margaret 

Thatcher’s years at the helm were 

released under the 30 year rule. One of 

the more interesting items recorded 

Geoffrey Howe’s opinion that Liverpool 

was a decaying mess and full of such 

ghastly and unemployable people that it 

should be subjected to ‘managed decline’. 

And it’s here that admiration grew towards 

Maggie’s chancellor for inventing such a 

wonderful phrase. Managed decline. 

So now that the city has served as an 

introduction to this month’s theme of managed 

decline, we’ll leave behind Liverpool 

and all the scussies who sail in her. That’s 

because from now on the phrase managed 

decline will be used to describe the 

way some of us handle the aging 

process. 

We start off as super fit teenagers, and 

even into our twenties we’re completely 

indestructible and are going to live forever 

at exactly the same pace. Then, by the 

time we reach our thirties, little things are 

starting to be less robust. We’ve put on a 

few pounds. The hair has started to thin a 

bit. Hangovers appear for the first time. 

We note all these things, but by and large 

ignore them. Reality has still not taken a 

firm hold on our expectations. 

Our forties are where things change more 

significantly. The few pounds have 

become a revolting spare tyre, the thinning 

hair a full-on bald patch, and hangovers 

last all day. By now it has also started 

to dawn on us that we’re not getting 

any younger. We begin to realise that 

these ailments and physical defects will 

never get any better unless we do something 

about them. We might half-heartedly 

attempt to diet. The bald patch disappears 

into a fully shaved head, and alcohol consumption 

is moderated. Do you see 

what’s happening here? We’ve started to 

manage the decline of our own bodies. 

As middle age progresses, so various 

joints start to hurt more, especially those 

of us who’ve played any sport. Most of us 

drop the pretence that we will ever get 

into 32” trousers again and buy larger 

ones. We start to take vitamin pills and 

exercise a bit. By now, the decline is very 

definitely being managed by those who 

have some pride in themselves, and it’s 

taking up a lot of effort. 

But there are others who will not bother. 

They will shrug their shoulders, say ‘what 

can you do?’ and allow themselves to slip 

into something that is much closer to a 

gradual decay into old age than it is a 

consciously managed decline. 

Then there will be one final set of people 

that, as they get older, care not for the 

application involved in a managed 

decline. They don’t even have enough 

pride to do the gradual decay thing. No, 

they take an active role in hastening the 

process. Pies? Bring ‘em on. Booze? 

Loads please. Exercise? What the feck’s 

that? 

We need a phrase to describe these people 

as succinctly and wonderfully as managed 

decline or even gradual decay does. 

How about wilful destruction? 

Page 28 

To comment on this article email: steveward2000@hotmail.com

of those ultra sexy Mini’s themselves a run for 

their money....not to mention the Alfa Romeo 

MiTo, Fiat 500 and the Audi A1. 

Some of you may have noticed the DS3 in Pixie 

Lott’s Broken Arrow video - the first time a car 

has been ‘product placed’ in a British music 

video. Well, those crafty frogs... 

One of the DS3’s strongest selling points is the 

fact that buyers have the opportunity to seriously 

customise their car (check out the Citroen 

website for details) by mixing and matching 

body and roof colours, decals, and so on. The 

bottom line being you can even have some 

serious fun ordering your car. 

The Racing version (pictured) was originally 

introduced at the Geneva Motor Show back in 

2010. It is the road version of Citroen’s rally 

spec DS3 R3 and doesn’t it look a treat? It does 

0-62mph in but 6.5 seconds and has a top 

speed of 146mph, which is more than ample for 

belting it between the lights along Parkway. 

However, there are also plenty of sensible 

engine options to plump for, including your 

editor’s favourite: diesel! 

Every now and then a car comes along that 

defies you not to take notice. 

Sometimes that’s not necessarily a good thing, 

but the more The Edge sees of the Citroen DS3, 

the more it is liking what it is seeing. 

Just look at it! Is that not an absolute belter of a 

‘pocket rocket’, or what? 

All of a sudden, right out of the blue, as if from 

absolutely nowhere, Citroen seem to be designing 

some seriously nice looking cars, and the 

DS3 - in this publication’s humble opinion - is 

right at the very top of the tree. 

It’s a ‘supermini’ alright, capable of giving some 

Even the 

‘badge’ is alright! 

The Edge is just surprised, that’s all, for it doesn’t 

seem that long ago that Citroen were churning 

out some absolutely shocking rolling stock.... 

only suddenly, everything seems to have 

changed...for the better. 

What’s more, so far as small, compact hatchbacks 

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travel any reasonable distance in anything 

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The Edge 077 646 797 44 Page 29

fancies the idea, simply drop me an 

email as I always say you can 

never have too many friends, too 

many pairs of shoes, or too much 

wine....and what better way is there 

than to combine all three? 

TOTALLY TRACIE 

Sex & Ooooh, 

Chelmsford City... 

Chelmsford Girls - it’s time for us to 

put on those Manolo Blahniks and 

grab those designer handbags, 

because Chelmsford is now officially 

a city, thanks to Her Maj who, as 

part of her Diamond Jubilee 

shindig, has decided to honour our 

former little town with grand old city 

status. Oh yes, we are now officially 

‘City Girls’. We beat Colchester. We 

beat Southend. And, best of all, we 

beat ‘Towie Land’ (Brentwood) 

hands down. Carrie Bradshaw, eat 

your heart out (shoes off). My only 

concern is where on earth are we 

going to find all of these Mr Big’s to 

fulfill our requirements? 

Dress For Less 

My very good friend Lynnette, who 

is just back from a huge globetrotting 

holiday and is bursting full of 

ideas, recently threw a ‘Clothes 

Swap Party’ where she invited lots 

of her women friends to bring items 

of clothing they no longer wanted to 

her home, plus the obligatory bottle 

of wine or two. The idea being that 

we could all gossip (naturally) and 

swap our unwanted clothes and 

shoes and revamp our wardrobes 

amongst ourselves for very little or 

absolutely no cost whatsoever. 

What an AbFab idea, hey? 

Particularly when money is a bit 

tight as it is at the moment for us 

all. After a bottle or two of wine, 

everyone totally lost their inhibitions, 

the chit-chat and giggling 

positively flowed and everyone 

became fashion stylists, dressing 

each other with fashion parades 

and strip teases going on in 

Lynette’s very own front room! 

Women who had never met before 

suddenly became firm friends and I 

have never laughed so much in a 

long time. I ended up wobbling 

home in some mismatched ‘get up’ 

that would have even made Bjork 

tremble. Much better than a car 

boot sale! I can thoroughly recommend 

it as the best night out/in I 

have had in years and it’s such a 

fantastic way to meet new friends 

and let your hair down and get lots 

of new clothes at the same time. 

Honestly, it was like shopping without 

cash. Marvellous! So if anyone 

Rattle Those Pots & Pans 

According to new figures out this 

week - it’s now official, 8 out of 10 

women do more housework than 

their partners (honestly, did we really 

need a survey to tell us that?). 

In my experience, men are pretty 

good at washing a few dishes and 

generally tidying up, but most do 

not even know where the washing 

machine is, let alone how to use it. 

But why is it that whenever a man 

does any housework, they seem to 

have an in-built need to give us 

women a blow-by-blow account of 

exactly what they’ve done and 

clearly expect us to thank them 

profusely for them picking up their 

own clothes or tidying up the mess 

they made in the first place? 

So, for the benefit of the 80% of 

women out there who find themselves 

in exactly the same boat as 

me, I thought I’d share this greetings 

card with you that I found in a 

shop the other day. 

George turned off the vacuum 

and waited for his medal. 

Unless they invent a vacuum cleaner 

with a remote control, the 

chances of men ever doing the hovering 

will remain but a pipe-dream, 

I am sorry to say. 

My Big Fat Belly 

Spring is well and truly here, so it’s 

high time to do something about all 

those extra pounds that have accumulated 

over Christmas and the 

dark winter months, so’s we girls 

can all fit back into our little summer 

dresses. If you’re like me and you 

need a little bit of inspiration to help 

kick start the process, check out 

http://www.redbookmag.com/healthwellness/virtual-body-makeover 

Upload a picture of yourself, press 

a button and hey presto - you can 

instantly see what you’d look like 

5lbs, 10lbs or even 20lbs lighter. 

I’ve printed out the picture and 

stuck it to my ’fridge door to help 

me stick to my diet. The only problem 

is, I should have printed out 

half a dozen more. One for the biscuit 

tin, one for the chocolate 

drawer etc. etc. etc. 

Page 30 

Tracie123@aol.com

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