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theEDGEISSUE NO: 196Page 1‘THE CHELMSFORD FANZINE’FEBRUARY 2013WITH COSMETICDENTISTRY• SMILE MAKEOVERS• DENTAL IMPLANTS• TOOTH STRAIGHTENING• CROWNS/VENEERS• TOOTH WHITENING• FACIAL REJUVENATIONYour smile is noticed every day of the yearMake it stand out - Make it shineBook a FREE non-clinical consultation01245 808 079Best Young Dentist 2011 Dr Hiten PabariEast of EnglandBlue Sky Dental, 64 Baddow Road, Chelmsford, Essex, CM2 0DLwww.blueskydental.co.ukwww.theedgemag.co.uk The Edge Chelmsford CM2 6XD Telephone 01245 348256 Mobile: 077 646 797 44

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The Edge Editor’s ColumnNEW YEARBloody New Year.What’s so buggering ‘new’, different or goodabout it?These days and years are just like those circularwooden balls on an abacus frame in so far as atthe end of every year you simply slide all of theballs all the way over to the left-hand side andstart all over a-bloody-gain.“Now that’s MAGIC!”Shut up, Daniels, you short-arsed, big-earedtwat. It soooooooo is NOT.LEMON TREEMrs Edge wants a Lemon Tree as she startseach day with a hot lemon drink (the juice ofhalf a real lemon and hot water). So if any ofyou readers knows where the best place to buyone is, and how best to keep/look after it (like,do you bring it indoors over the winter months?),then I am all Lineker’s.Oh yeah, and what sort of harvest should we expect?NUTRITIONAL VALUEWhat do you reckon the nutritional value of oneof those hot dogs at IKEA must be, hmmmm?ATHLON SPORTThere’s a new bike shop that’s opened up onNavigation Road called Athlon Sport and I overheardsome bloke drooling over it the other day.His words were, and I quote, “It’s like bike pornin there.”RADIOAm I the only person who doesn’t listen tomusic whilst I’m driving?SINA WEIBOI feel right old, I do.I honestly don’t give a f who Sina Weibo is***or what coloured knickers she sometimeswears, or doesn’t wear, as the case may be.But maybe I should care?Maybe I ought to be more interested?I don’t know.How’re you honestly supposed to ‘keep up’these days. A new star is born every minute.PLEBGATEI’ve totally had enough of it. Haven’t you?It simply seems to bedragging on and onand on....And anyway, what’s soevil about being called‘a person of unpolishedmanners’, hmmm?We seem to devoteloads of time and energyto things that simplydon’t matter.EYESIGHTMy bastard eyesight isgetting worse.I spend a lot of timeworking in front of acomputer screen andnow wear glasses100% of the time whendoing so, so it’s theclose-up stuff that Istruggle with.This morning I had ameeting with someoneat Costa Coffee atChelmsford railwaystation (at 7.30am) andI honestly had to keepmoving my head (andthus my eyes) backwards(as in: awayfrom the person) to getthem into focus.Not good.I was always under theimpression that the dayone gives in to a set ofspecs is the day one climbs onto the slipperyslope (as surely from that day forth the eyemuscles simply say, ‘Ah, f it’) and I honestly***believe that to be true.I’m told that prescription glasses are cheap aschips in Goa, where I’m going, but maybe it’sthat operation on your eyeballs that I need now.Trouble is (a) it’s expensive, and (b) I doubt Icould cope with living in darkness for the rest ofmy life if they went and ballsed it up.AFRICAHas David Attenborough got/had the bestjob/career in the world since man learnt how tostand upright, or what?His latest series, Africa (BBC1, Wednesdays,9:00pm) is simply par excellence, although itproper broke my heart to see that mummyelephant’s ickle baby die.I’m not really into animals, or kids, but when theformer die and the latter smile, it seems to dothings to my emotions that I cannot easilycontrol.So people then assume, “Well, if you like watchingstuff like that, why don’t you go on a safariholiday? Maybe to the Ngorongoro Crater?”My answer to that is that the good old BBCstrangely appears to have the ability to show mestuff the likes of which I’ll never be able to seein, to all intents and purposes, a glorified zoo.To my mind, watching Match of the Day is farsuperior to actually being there, watching it live.So you see what I’m saying (sniff)?ODEONThe Chelmsford Odeon aren’t willing to stockcopies of The Edge.Neither are Virgin Active.If you disagree with either stance, you shouldmake your feelings heard. Go on!I’ve no axe to grind with either of them. Thedecision comes from above - as opposed tobeing made at a right local level.But why let out-of-towners decide what’s goodfor you, hmmm?ELEPHANT IN CITY CENTREDid you read the story in the local press aboutthe 21-hands-high stray bull elephant that wenton the rampage through Chelmsford High Streetbefore jumping clean over a single-decker busalong Market Road, eh, readers?“You certainly don’t see that sort of thing everyday out of our showroom window,” said Darren‘Rambo’ Maynard of Bang & Olufsen.But it got worse. It only tried to ‘mount’ a distressedfemale shopper, didn’t it, who had to betaken to hospital in shock.“When you see something the size of that thingcoming towards you, swaying about all over theplace, it really is quite frightening,” she said.Upon her release from Broomfield, she added,“And it’s trunk was quite long too.”MAKING A DIFFERENCEThe Edge - making a difference to people’s livesin Chelmsford and the surrounding areas,whether they admit it or they don’t.Because let’s face it, Chelmsford without itsEdge is a bit like Dover without its, erm, soul.Please God ‘LIKE’ The Edge. Go on...facebook.com/theedgemagazinetwitter.com/TheEdgeMagDO IT NOW! For Christ’s sake, LIKEThe Edge as no bugger else does.c cTHE EDGE Chelmsford CM2 6XD077 646 7 97 44shaun@theedgemag.co.ukPage 4 The Edge 01245 348256

Scientistshave discovered......a gene that makes you happy, but it’s a bit ofa bugger in that it only seems to work properlywhere women are concerned.The study focused on a gene called....well, ithonestly doesn’t matter what the gene is calledas you’ll never have heard of it anyway, but itsupposedly affects the levels of feel-goodchemicals in the brain.Almost 350 men and women were asked howhappy they felt and gave a saliva (ladies) andgob (men) samples that were tested for DNA.It was discovered that only one-in-four womenlacked the happiness gene, whilst the restpurportedly roamed about beaming likeCheshire bloody cats.However, it seems that men (oh, and FatimaWhitbread too, of course) somehow cancel outtheir own happy gene due to testosterone.“Perhaps men are happier when they areboys,” said a professor with a RBF (right bigforehead), “due to the fact that their testosteronelevels are much lower and they don’thave such a big, gruesome set of hairy testiclesto carry about between their legs. And Iam, of course, including Fatima Whitbread inthat analysis too, I might add.”Get this though, readers: the happy version ofthe gene has also been linked to alcoholism(is that why you’ve gone tee-total then, Liza?)and anti-social behaviour.Someone called Dr Chen (no, honestly, that’shis name) says: “Whilst women may be happier,they are definitely more stupid.”No, he didn’t say that at all, ladies. It’s just thatblokes seem to be such miserable gits in comparisonto you girlies......it hurts, that’s all.ConfuciusDid NOT Say...‘Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.’‘Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads toundoing of fly.’‘Lady who goes camping must beware of evilintent.’‘Man who leap off cliff jumps to conclusion.’‘Man who eats many prunes get good run formoney.’‘War does not determine who is right, itdetermine who is left.’‘Man who fight with wife all day get no piece atnight.’‘It takes many nails to build a crib, but onlyone screw to fill it.’‘Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.’‘Man who live in glass house should changeclothes in basement.’‘Man who fish in other man's well often catchcrabs.’And finally . . .‘A lion will not cheat on its wife......but a TigerWood.’Ali’s Taxis46-46-46inc. 8 seater mini-busesAirport TripsCorporate Accounts Welcomesports injury massage& rehabilitation clinicJackie O’NeillD&Amain roadgreat waltham CM3 1DET. 0758 362 9493russells sells rantLunch Enjoy at Sundayfor bookings callRussels£21.9501245 478484www.russellsrest.co.ukrestaurantfor 3 coursesBell Street, Chelmsford. CM2 7JSSensibly priced, impressivelyipresented...in e.n luxurious urious surroundingsValentines n eDayDo something speical for your loved onethis Valentines n eday and enjoy a fantastic atgourmetdelight at Russells ss Restaurant.Our Chefs have created ean indulgent6 course dining ing experience eene for£45 per person.THEMED NIGHTS IN 201314th Feb - Valentine’s Night28thFeb - Jazz Night10th March - Mothers Day28th March - Pre-Easter Dinner25th April - Mexican Night30th May - Greek Night27th June - Carribean NightBook oearly to avoid dissappointmentpand see e website e for full ldetailsSETMENULunch Two courses s£13.50 & Three e Courses s £16.95DinnerThreee Courses s £21.95(Set menu prices do not apply pon Saturday anights)www.theedgemag.co.uk Page 5Page 5

WHAT THIS PICTURE SAYS TO THE EDGE...Freshly made sandwiches, jacket potatoes, salad boxes,homemade soups, cakes & much much more!Duke Street. Tel: 01245 499114EDGEthe supports the right for womento be allowed to let their hair down too!‘EQUALITY’ IS NOT A DIRTY WORDDOORS - DOORS - DOORS‘Cheerful Bob’ & Bros. inc. ‘Serious Chris’& ‘Forgetful Dave’ - ‘all Alive & Fitting!”Family Business Est. 1979“HOLY COW....fancy my mag getting there before me!”When I opened up an email from Jill & JohnBarratt and saw this photo, my mouth prettymuch dropped open.‘Touched’ is not the word.For them to take a copy of The Edge all theway to Peru with them. Yep, I definitely felthonoured by that.Here’s what they have to say about theirexperience, one I believe I would absolutelylove....“We have been reading your excellent magazineever since it was on photocopy paper(which goes back a fair few years). I think Ipicked up my first ever edition from theGolden Fleece when I worked in centralChelmsford (although I'm not really sure as Ihave been retired for seven years and I can'tseem to remember my name these days withouta long think!).Anyways up, as I have never written to youbefore, we recently decided to do our ‘silversurfer’ bit and see if we could get your organpictured in a bit more of an exotic and excitinglocation than usual.I know from your own holiday snaps just howmuch you are into old buildings and cultures,castles and magnificent views etc., so here’sjust ONE of the 800 pics we took in Peru,which was the most amazing, exciting andvisually stunning place we have ever visited inour lives. I was honestly left speechless somany times the wife thought I was ill!We went there to celebrate our silver weddinganniversary and boy, did we! The food wassurprisingly good (alpaca meat nice, guineapig bad), the local beer excellent and Peru'snative cocktail, Pisco Sour, an absoluteknockout......literally!Mrs Edge’s sister’s been, but we are still togo, yet when you look at this photo, doesn’t itmake you simply want to kick yourself for notas yet sorting out such a trip?6 ‘unusual’ facts aboutMachu Picchu1. The first Westerner credited with discoveringMachu Picchu for the outside world (AmericanHiram Bingham) was said to be looking for anentirely different lost Inca site called Vilcabambawhen he was finally led up the slope tothe then totally overgrown ruins of MachuPicchu.2. The most popular way to approach the siteis via the Inca Trail trek. This three-day hikereaches a lung-squeezing height of 4,214m atits highest point and there are several sectionsof Inca stone paths along the way. Due to fearsof erosion, the government now limits the numberof people embarking on the trek to 500,which includes the compulsory, locally-hiredporters.3. Each year there is a race along the IncaTrail, which at 26 miles is pretty much amarathon. The current record stands at3hrs 26mins.4. Many of the porters sleep with a shiny metalobject, or a mirror, beneath them when on thetrail. They believe it deflects spirits coming upthrough the earth and whisking them away. Askany guide or porter and most will tell you theyhave experienced the feeling of being pulledout of their tents by ‘spirits of the past’.5. A popular aim on each trek is to arrive at thefabled Sun Gate in time for sunrise. However,you might wish to have a lay-in instead as highmountains block the majority of the view.Page 6Internal/External, Hardwood/Softwood,Stairs & Spindles a speciality.Visit our door stall on Saturday’s at Chelmsford Market01245 361201 0777 893 8920Machu Picchu and having a condor flying overour heads in the Colca Canyon were definitelythe highlights, but all in all it was the mostincredible adventure we have ever had andwill live in our memories forever. Give it a gosometime - it comes highly recommended!”6. The most expensive Bollywood film evermade (‘Endhiran’, released in 2010) was partlyshot on location at Machu Picchu and featuresan ex-Miss World as the leading actress. It isone of only a very few movies to be givenpermission to film within the ruins.shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

FNEW TENNERWhy all the criticism of the new portrait of ‘Our Kate’?The Edge thinks she looks proper relaxed and carefree (see above), eventhough Emsley has undoubtedly used artistic license in the nork dept. (butthen Beckham always puts things down the front of his undercrackersbefore photo shoots, so what the hell).Perhaps if we had currency like this it’d encourage us to be a little morecareful vis-a-vis our spending habits and maybe make us all think twiceabout disposing of our cash in such a willy-nilly fashion at times.Seriously folks, when was the last time you took a good look at a tenner?Orange is just not a good colour for Liz (and The Edge feels certain GokWan would back us up on that. ’Ere, what do you get if you cross Gok Wanwith Edge colonist Ian King? Answer: Gok Wan King, bum bum).But Kate? Kate looks positively radiant and perhaps rather than havingbreast augmentation on his mind, Emsley was rather thinking of a bustfilled with the nourishing heaviness of baby milk instead (eeee, wherethese arty folks are concerned, you never can quite tell).My God, we’re a stuffy lot though, aren’t we?Do you think that when Liz eventually hangs up the leads to her corgis thatwe might have a brand new, far more refreshing National Anthem underCharlie Boy’s however brief internship, hmmmm?He was very fond of Monty Python’s Flying Circus, so perhaps that mightbecome the new RRTT (right royal theme tune). Here’s hoping...-- FREE: TheBlueprint To HelpYou Get More Sales& Profits 6 More ReasonsWhy OurClients Choose Us - - - - Arrange Your FREENo-ObligationMeeting Now... -PHONE NOW01245 258689As well as continuing i to bringyou a fantastic astic range ofdesignsolutionsWe now also offer acomplete, personalised interiordesign consultationContact us formore information01245 299 331info@spaziodesign.co.ukwww.spaziodesign.co.ukThe Edge 01245 348256 Page 7

Free One Day Pass Need advice?Personal Training Make it fun!Guaranteed funGuaranteed results Fitness 364Fitness 364 Health Club and Gym (previouslyFitness First) is an independently owned Gym andHealth Club located in Chelmsford near the towncentre.Fitness 364 provides a unique atmosphere and areaiming to become part of Chelmsford's communityand landscape by providing a more individualapproach to its members away from some of thelarger more corporate gyms.The new owners are planning to make a lot ofchanges to the club and update a lot of equipment.For example - new studio sound systems so thatthe best group exercise classes can be delivered.New machines for the gym and a ‘paint job’ are allon the cards too. However, there are some thingsthat are staying the same; members can still enjoya nice free tea or coffee whilst relaxing in ourlounge area, socialising.There are also new membership packagesavailable such as joint memberships, corporatememberships and also weekend memberships.We aim to cater for as wide a range of people andtheir needs as possible.Open from 6.00am Monday - Friday (weekendsfrom 8.00am). A full range of classes can be foundon the website: www.fitness364.co.ukSpringHealthNot just a gymJoin the revolutionWhy not try ourNot Every Workout isthe sameSocial Dances twice amonth and Dance LessonsClasses for members and non-membersTEL: 01245 494 596 www.springhealth.netCITIZENestimable New York correspondent!These include ‘Zero Dark Thirty’ from Kathryn Bigelow(she of the ‘Hurt Locker’ fame - winner in 2009) a filmabout the capture and killing of Osama Bin Laden.Then there’s Quentin Tarantino’s ‘Django Unchained’.This is about bounty hunters in the Wild West from theperspective of a former African American slave andstars Jamie Foxx and Leonardo DiCaprio. Citizenalways wants to enjoy a Tarantino movie - if onlybecause he shares a birthday with the director, albeitQuentin is somewhat younger. However, Citizen has toconfess to not being an out and out fan.The same cannot be said of Steven Spielberg whose‘Lincoln’ is the third of the soon to be released films andone of the favourites to win.Spielberg, who Citizen believes to be the greatest filmDirector since David Lean, had to wait for 18 years afterthe nomination of ‘Jaws’ (1975) to win a Best Pictureaward with ‘Schindler’s List’ (1993) and to date this isthe only one of his films to win Best Picture, with theaforementioned, along with ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’(1981); ‘The Color Purple’ (1985) , ‘Saving PrivateRyan’ (1998); ‘Munich’ (2005) and ‘War Horse’ (2011)all being nominated, but ultimately missing out.Lean was often similarly piped to the post, being nominated6 times and winning just twice for ‘Bridge on theRiver Kwai’ (1957) and ‘Lawrence Of Arabia’ (1962). Itis amazing, but true, that like Spielberg several ofLean’s most enduring films didn’t win the coveted title.Citizen has a notion that perhaps Mr Spielberg is destinedto win just one more and therefore tie with MrLean’s tally - the question being, will it be this year?Citizen suspects not as the astonishing ‘Life Of Pi’ issurely going to be the one to beat in a very strong fieldfrom which any one of the others, and in particular‘Lincoln’, ‘Argo’, ‘Silver Linings Playbook’ and, possibly‘Zero Dark Thirty’ (from what Citizen hears) could alsobe worthy winners.‘Life Of Pi’ - whose trailer severely undersells the film inCitizen’s view - could not possibly have been madewithout extensive use of CGI, but this fact should not,and probably won’t, prevent it winning the ultimateaccolade from the Academy. The scenes at sea withour eponymous hero, the young Pi, in a small lifeboatwith a tiger rejoicing in the unlikely name of RichardParker, are both fanciful and realistic at the same time,yet never less than gripping to behold.So there you have Citizen’s prediction for this year’sBest Picture award at the Oscars.The ceremony itself, being held in late February, is afterthe deadline of next month’s issues, so Citizen willbravely return to the subject in its April column to see ifits prediction came true, and at the same time take alook at past Best Picture winners and, perhaps equallyenlightening, some of the films they beat to see howthey have fared with the wonderful benefit of hindsight.For example, was ‘Shakespeare In Love’ really a betterfilm than ‘Saving Private Ryan’ in 1998?Finally, despite our editor’s somewhat disparagingcomments in the January issue about the latest JamesBond film, Citizen would personally have been delightedto have seen ‘Skyfall’ - the best Bond film since‘Goldfinger’ (1964) and ‘Thunderball’ (1965) - nominatedfor best picture and not just getting two technicalnominations and a further two for its music, includingBest Score and Adele’s rendition of the title song.This monthCitizen looks atthe forthcoming2013 OscarCeremony onSunday 24thFebruary.There are nine nominationsfor Best Picture ofthe year 2012 - thesame as last year.Indeed this appears tocontinue a fairly new Oscar trend for more nominationsas between 1944 - 2008 just five films were chosenevery year. This doubled to ten for 2009 - 2010 andreducing to nine (the same number as selected everyyear between 1936 - 1943) in 2011.Surely this doesn’t mean that there are more great filmsbeing made nowadays - a return to the 30’s and early40’s? Surely not?In fact, definitely not!It appears to Citizen that a mixture of box office potentialbetween the nomination day and the ceremony itselfand a relaxation in selection criteria is responsible forthis increase and in Citizens view a half dozen nominationswould be about right, as nine or ten is too many.The nominations for the 2012 Academy Awards - togive them their official name - were made on January10th. As this column is focussing on Best Picture,Citizen will only comment in passing on the otherheadline categories and suggest that Daniel Day-Lewiswill achieve a record third Best Actor Oscar for ‘Lincoln’and that the Best Actress category will be a much closerrun thing with the possibility of sentiment coming intoplay. Nevertheless, Citizen would hope to see Britishactress Naomi Watts win for ‘The Impossible’.Five of the nominations for Best Picture have alreadyplayed to cinemas across the UK with three of themhaving been shown in most, if not all, cinemas followingtheir release. These are Ben Affleck’s excellent ‘Argo’;‘The Life of Pi’ from Ang Lee (the Oscar wining Directorof ‘Brokeback Mountain’) and the quirky and highlyentertaining ‘Silver Linings Playbook’.Despite being a regular cinemagoer, seeing between 40and 50 films a year, Citizen would have to confess thatthe other two nominated films that appeared in 2012passed it by! In fact, Citizen is not even sure they evermade it to Cineworld, Braintree - its regular cinema ofchoice (something to do with having an Unlimited Card,perhaps) - or even to the Odeon Chelmsford?Chelmsfordians often seem to get a better choice of themore esoteric and thoughtful releases than some nearbytowns.The two films in question are ‘Beasts of the SouthernWild’ whose 9 year old star Quvenzhane Wallis is up forBest Actress and ‘Amour’, a French language film starring85 year old Emmanuele Rive who has a similarnomination. Eat your heart out Naomi Watts and smilemagnanimously if (or when) either of them wins!Citizen, as is its usual habit, wants to see these but willprobably have to either go to London or wait for them tocome out on Sky Box Office to achieve it - not thateither are actually expected to win.At the time of writing this column, three of the remainingnominated pictures have yet to be released in the UK,while the fourth ‘Les Miserables’ is only just out and notseen yet because ‘Mrs Citizen’ wants to see it too andhas been far too busy of late! But Citizen is very muchlooking forward to it, having seen both the stage musicalversion and the more unique ‘in concert’ performanceat the Chelmsford Spectacular in Highlands Parkin August 1997 when many of the famous stage performersof ‘Les Mis’ from both the West End andBroadway turned up for this splendid one-off event.The remaining three Oscar nominated films Citizen alsointends to see before the ceremony has taken place -no doubt these have already been seen by the Edge’sErrata: Last month’s column on ‘Press Freedom’ said:“...should ‘Hacked Off’, the organisation to which manyjournalists belong. This was a production error whichshould have read: “...should ‘Hacked Off’, the organisationto which many of these belong,” these being themembers of the pubic and celebrities who are seekingtighter statutory controls on journalism and, as such, isnot an organisation to which many, if any journalists,belong.Page 8 The Edge 01245 348256

ODD LOOKALIKESOK, so these two photographic examples undoubtedly don’t back up TheEdge’s theory that John Prescott and West Ham manager Sam Allardycewere, in fact, Siamese twins miraculously separated at birth.....but watch ‘BigSam’ facing the cameras after any Irons game on MOTD and you will definitelysee an uncanny resemblance tothe former Deputy PM.Of late, Sam’s features have unfortunatelystarted to slide down hisface a bit, whilst both his jowls andhis belly appear to be getting bigger.So now do you see where The Edgeis coming from?Honest, it’s uncanny, in much thesame way that Mick Hucknall hasnow started to ape VanessaRedgrave.Then there’s Morgan Freeman andNelson Mandela whom these daysyou honestly cannot tell apart.It’s all true, readers. The Edge wouldnever lie to you.Both Sam and Pressers like tomake their opinions heard.THEGRIFFIN64MAINROADDANBURYCHELMSFORDESSEXCM34DH01245699024Live Jazzcomingsoon...Valentine’sNightDinner ner& Live Music(Book Now)KeepChecking The Griffin finwebsiteandfacebook pagefor upcoming function andevents:www.griffindanbury.co.ukfin.co.ukwww.facebook.com/TheGriffinDanburywww.theedgemag.co.uk Page 9

Should havegone toWhatever the dispute, we are the experts in conflict resolutionand are here to helpwww.essexmediation.co.ukChelmsford: 01245 492200 Colchester: 01206 767388Harlow: 01279 311431TheGentlemanSundays with the GentryStone the ruddy crows - the grandchildrenturned up. Why oh why is italways on a ruddy Sunday - God’sday? Thank Enoch I’ve only gottenthem for six hours or so. That’senough - the little shits.Nice to see that, yet again, theirlazy-bott mother is palming them offon me. thanks to some must seearty-farty exhibition of other. Seemsa lot more frequent now we’vestopped charging. One’s convincedthe ill-bred is having another affairwith a chap from the squash club.Well, who can blame her? My secondborn’s always been the runt ofthe litter; shy, possibly even queer.One’s convinced his failingsspanned from the time I humorouslypulled his trunks down whilst hewas looked into a beach telescope.But the congregation laughed - ohhow they laughed - his tiny buttocksclenched, his little ‘gentleman’ (hismother’s side exposed.There’s a beauty to a good Sunday- kidneys on toast with a tomato ortwo, the Sunday Times (see whatthe lefty tits have been whining onabout - probably Cam’s desire toleave the Hun-led CommonMarket), a leisurely poo with TheEdge for company, then a briskwalk around the grounds, shootingand pruning as one goes. Then anhour of ‘C of E’ and a few hymns tokeep in with the chap upstairs, adecision not at all influenced by therather tasty bit of crumpet on theorgan, despite what the LadyGentleman says.Post-church, one tends to factor ina bit of Fearnley-Whittingstall. Quiteavailable factory staff about why weare producing less and spendingmore. “It’s the Chinese....theChinese,” they rant. “Work bloodyquicker,” I retort.But times have changed. Someonein Brussels now tells them they areentitled to ‘breaks’ when clearly itwas a lot more profitable in thegood old days when the proletariatwould smoke ‘emselves senseless,still dangerously drunk whilst operatingheavy machinery, a little grinon their blackened faces.Thankfully we can still cut somecorners (or the admin team, as Icall them). But what one reallyobjects to on a Sunday is the incessantdrone of tiny feet patteringacross the landing. “Shut those littleimps up before I cane their toes,” Ialways shout. “We want to play onthe swing.” “Well go on then,” Ianswer gruffly, “and have a swim inthe lake too, why don’t you?”They can’t swim. These days I justgive them a twenty or two and sendthem on their merry way. Veryoccasionally, I’ll talk them throughthe trials at the Crimea - you know,start them off young.By the time supper comes, one isusually a little squiffy (approx.fiveish, after I’ve popped to The’Arms for a pipe, a gamble, somegentle sexism and a couple ofales). Then one will usually arrivelate to carve a decadent rib of beefor a couple of fowl. Tend to alwayscriticise at least one aspect of themeal - keep her on her toes, yousee - and sadly it’s oft the piss thingravy.“Darling, it’s a jus.”“Woman, it jus isn’t thick enough.”enjoy the way he educates andscares peasants in equal measure.“YouHdon’t have to buy Findus pancakesfrom Iceland.”“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” they run off,screaming, bemused.One retires to the study circa threeto ‘count the pot’ and often ring theruddy broker and shout at himabout a thing or two - Sunday ornot - nobody takes The Gent for aride. Similarly one barrages anyTake a decent nap. Awake forstewed plums. Release theSpaniels and the Russells to decoratethe apple trees and chase thefoxes away. Sometimes pop by thestables to ensure that the Gypsieshaven’t been around. Occasionallyfire up the jag and chase a pauperor two. By which time the wife’susually fuddling herself over Batesin Downton.Then to the bedroom it is, as LadyGentleman silently and dutifullyplaces an Earl Grey on my bedsidetable. Which just leaves me to puton a pair of fair trade Primark PJs,indulge in some selfish missionaryintercourse and go to sleep.Thanks for spending it with me.Graciously,The GentlemanMPage 10 The Edge 01245 348256

TREAT YOUR HAIRTO A MAKEOVER IN FEBRUARYTHE EDGE MISSES THIS GUY!Keith Lemon’s OK....but he’s no Avid Merrion, is he, folks?And the truth is, The Edge misses him, it genuinely does. Same as it missesAli-G. (Leigh and Sasha have killed off their no. 1 characters far too early.)The whole SNB (surgical neck brace) thing thatwas going on where Avid was concerned wasjust so unique, and by Christ, these days it’sproper hard to be unique. AM looked as innocentas a Jackanory presenter - as if butterwouldn’t melt - but my God, what an inventivecomedy mind the guy (Leigh Francis) has.Craaaaaaaig David never stood a bleedin’chance. And the whole Mel B thing and theWacko Jacko “Shamone motherf cker” thrustingDue to excessively having thepiss taken out of him by AvidMerrion, Craig David wasforced to look like he does now!*pelvis scenario. Priceless. Absolutely priceless.Some comedy stuff needs to come back.No, not Fawlty Towers - you leave stuff like thatwell alone. But Spitting Image (for instance).Wouldn’t you just love to see old ‘chubby chops’Cameron being sent up, hey?A full tint or half-head highlightsA luxury hair treatmentA wash, cut & blow-dry...plus a complimentary OPI nail polishThis amazing package for just£65.00*CALL (01245) 346348*Offer valid until 28th February 2013*This offer cannot be used in conjunction with any other promotion/discountAUBERGINE THE SALON6 RAINSFORD ROAD, CHELMSFORD, CM1 2QD. Tel: 01245 346348We are just 50 metres from the County Hotel. LATE NIGHTS: Wednesdays & FridaysAUBERGINETHESALON.CO.UKVictoria Road, Chelmsford, Essex CM1 1NYwww.backinntime.co.ukWe’re Open:5.45 Til Late Monday-Friday, 5.30 Til Late Saturday50% OFFThis voucher entitles you to 50% off your total food billValid Sundays to Thursdays during February 2013. Excluding Valentines Day.Enter your details, bring along this voucher and present when you ask for the bill.Name ..............................................................................................................................................Email .............................................................................................................................................www.theedgemag.co.uk Page 11

“I always keep a copyof The Edge in theglove-compartment ofmy motor. It doesn’tpay to leave it ondisplay on theparcel-shelfand show people yourbusiness in myparticular lineof work.”James Bond 007What the starshave to say...“This Uzi 9mmslug was taken outof my nose.”“Ding Dong!”FatimaWhitbreadBIG HEADTrophy BitterLeslie Phillips“I’d do almostANYTHINGto get myhands ona copy.”Kelly BrookIt is, as Jane Austen might have said(had she been a beer drinker), a truthuniversally acknowledged that a person’stastes do not remain constantthroughout their life. Few of us, Ishould imagine, listen to the samemusic now as we did when we were10. Fewer still read the same books orwatch the same films as we did whenwe were 5, unless there is somethingseriously wrong with us.Evident as this change in taste maybe, it does not lead inexorably to theconclusion that our tastes alternatebetween two opposed extremes on aregular basis. The change is more oneof a progressive nature, whereby a setof preferences is established graduallyover our childhood and teenage years,and becomes more or less fixed duringearly adulthood, so that by the age of25 we are broadly definable as beerdrinkers as distinct from wine drinkers,rock fans as distinct from hip-hop fans,book-lovers as distinct from film-lovers,and so on.Or not, it would appear, if you areinvolved in the beer and pub industry.Take a look at the selection of beersavailable in your preferred pub (asyou’re reading this, I assume you drinksomewhere with a fair choice of ales,not just a couple of national-brewerybitters). Now think back to what yousaw there six months ago. Much thesame selection? Or rather different?And if different, why? Has the selectionof people who use your local changedthat much in six months, causing thedemand, and therefore the selection,to be altered? I doubt it. Here’s what’shappening.People who run breweries andbeer-supply agencies seem to thinkthat each person has two sets of tastebuds, one of which we use during theSummer, the other during the Winter(presumably keeping the ‘spare’ set ina cupboard while it’s out of use). TheWinter set, so the theory goes, isincredibly sensitive to hop bitternessand citric character, and must on noaccount be exposed to such tastes incase it causes an explosion. Therefore,any person using this set of taste budswill only want to drink dark beers with asweet malty character, or a burnt roasttaste.The Summer set of taste buds,however, has been blunted by a thousandyears of exposure to hydrochloricacid, to the point where it can only gainany sense of fulfillment by beingexposed to pale beers with virtually noDavid Sherman’sBEVERAGEREPORTHAVE YOU BEEN SEASONALLYADJUSTED?body or complexity and about a hundredtonnes of hops per pint. It is,naturally, a hanging offense to comeout with the wrong set of taste budsand expect to drink dark beer in theSummer.Do you actually know of anyonewhose tastes conform to this modelinvented (in recent years, I might add)by the British beer industry? Do yourtastes, or those of your friends, changemiraculously when the sun comes outand the temperature goes into doublefigures? Mine certainly don’t, and I’veyet to meet the person to whom thisdescription applies.There has, of course, always beena tradition of seasonal beers, but it hasnothing to do with the crass marketingventure we’re now being exposed to.Strong ale, for example, has alwaysbeen seen as a Winter drink, due tothe warming properties of the alcohol.Mild, on the other hand, is traditionallya drink for the Summer and harvesttimes, its increased sugar contentbeing beneficial to the well-being ofagricultural workers. But try finding apint of Mild during the Summer andyou’ll be a disappointed drinker; you’llbe told by the majority of landlords thatdark beer is a Winter drink (yeah, cosno-one drinks Guinness in Ireland, orindeed in Africa, during the Summer,do they?).I don’t personally like Golden Ales(this will not come as a shock to myregular readers), but many people do,and they don’t like them any less justbecause it gets dark at five o’clock. Sowhy are they constantly beingdescribed (even by those who drinkthem all year round) as ‘Summerbeers’? They’re not. They’re just citricbeers, light-bodied beers, pale beers,Golden Ales..... call them what youmay, they bear no more relationship tothe Summer than they do to a wetWinter weekend in Wales.Why can’t brewers allow publicansto simply do what the customers want -to provide a range of beers to suit alltastes, all year round?Beats me.n Congratulations to Milton Brewery ofCambridge, who have just won firstAND second place in Camra’sChampion Beer of East Anglia competition,with Nero (a sweet stout) andPegasus (a traditional bitter) respectively.Essex’s Nethergate Brewery wonthe Speciality Beer category withUmbel Magna.Again!Page 12 The Edge 077 646 797 44

HAVEN’T THEY DONE WELL?The Edge would like to wish The Home Partnership estate agency in DukeStreet (where else?) a very happy 7th birthday and must say that an awfullot has changed there since they first came into this mags orbit, whenMerrick, Scott and the lovely Joanne did a Beatles impersonation (seeabove) way back on a cold Sunday winters morning in February 2006(when Jo was actually freezing her s off).***We’re not talking about THP gaining weight, losing their hair, or growingmoustaches (although they do for Movember). We’re talking about the factthat after 2,555 days in business, they still regularly receive thank youletters and cards with most of their clients coming from recommendations,which is ultra-impressive in today’s tough housing market.THP now have 9 members of their team on hand to handle all of yourproperty needs, which includes Residential Sales, Lettings and PropertyManagement, as well as offering independent mortgage advice.And hey, The Edge has even managed to secure its readers an exclusiveMONEY OFF voucher (see overleaf) if you are considering a change ofaddress. And whilst you’re at it, why not log onto their website and have alook at their achievements/gongs - inc. national awards - that they’ve won,together with key dates in their history since opening.www.theedgemag.co.uk Page 13 Page 15

Page 14 The Edge 077 646 797 44

ParkwayYeast BeerONLY BREWED INABV 5%HELP!Hey, is there anyone out there who’s a bit of awhiz at Adobe InDesign and who’s also good(and patient) at teaching people how touse it - someone such as yours truly,your editor, dear readers?It’s been suggested to me that Adobe InDesignis the way forward, as opposed to Quark Xpresswhich I currently use to compile each and everycopy of this mag - but I don’t know, do I, as I amabsolutely clueless regarding such matters.In short, the very idea of changing and learning at leastthe basic rudimentaries of a whole new program is enough to have mereaching for the Viagra (eh....they’re not the right pills, surely?), so whoeveris willing to take up this challenge really would need to be immenselypatient by nature as you’d definitely be dragging me kicking and screamingto a place I appreciate I probably need to go, but am scared of.My initial idea is to have two x 2hr sessions per week and the recompenceyou would receive would be....hmmm, now let me just look up theminimum wage structure on t’internet. Ah, here t’is. Right: £3.68ph ifyou’re under 18 (but then I honestly don’t think anyone under 18 would beideally qualified to supervise someone who’s as stuck in their ways as Iam). Then it jumps massively to £4.98ph (which I would be happy to‘round up’ to a fiver) if you’re aged between 18-20. But what The Edgewould ideally prefer is someone aged 21 or over, for which you would berewarded to the tune (wait for it - drum roll, please) of £6.19ph!So come on, let’s be hearing from you folks. “I really wanna see thosefingers” (as Vic Reeves used to say when he was aping Hughie Green).I need to move forward and I need to learn how to produce this veryorgan using Adobe InDesign....so I definitely need somebodies help!T: 01245 348256 m: 077 646 797 4414TH CHELMSFORDWINTER BEER & CIDER FESTIVAL20-23 February 2013Brand new central location five minutes walk from Bus and Train StationsKing Edward VI Grammar School (KEGS), Broomfield Road, CM1 3SX200 REAL ALES, OVER 50 CIDERS & PERRIESA WIDE SELECTION OF INTERNATIONAL BEERSHOT & COLD FOOD AVAILABLE ALL SESSIONSOpening timesWednesday 20th February 5pm - 11pmThursday 21st February 12 noon - 11pmFriday 22nd February 12 noon - 11pmSaturday 23rd February 12 noon - 11pmAdmissionCard-carrying CAMRA members receive free entryNon-members admission:Wed free entryThu - Sat free entry before 6pmAfter 6pm Thu £4, Fri £5 & Sat £3Refundable glass deposit £3nsford RdKing Edward VI Grammar School(KEGS)ParkwayParkwayCedar AvRainsford RdBroomfield RdDuke StdRailway StParkwayChelmsfordStationRectory Lnwww.chelmsfordcamra.org.ukVictoria RdArtwork byOPEN1st FebLove your Life – love your homet. e.www.boudiccainteriors.co.ukOFFERVoucchhr herBoudicca Interiors153 Moulsham St,Free Valentines mirror to the firstChelmsford, Essex.30 customers spending £20 or over.CM2 0LDBring this voucher with you when you visit us. t.0845 20 80 240www.theedgemag.co.uk Page 15

NOW OPEN (THE WEIGHT IS OVER)YOUR GYM, YOUR CHOICE…If you want treadmills, weight stacks & a swimming pool, then we are NOT for you!Everyone is unique & that includes us.We are as individual as YOU are.You see, if we were a cow we would be a PURPLE cow with a HUGE MOO;(we are kinda different)!Are you the person, or the shape you want to be...?We can take you from where you are to where you REALLY ought to be.We know that there is more than one way to peel a Banana and get you theRESULTS you deserve!We are…..A FUN-ctional fitness playground & Personal Training paradise for YOU to achieveresults!As a team we are ferociously committed to delivering a unique fitness experience toget you fit for purpose for everyday life; from the Burpee to the Boardroom.We offer…..Personal Training Group Training CoachingOlympic Lifting Kettlebells CrossFit ChelmsfordBoxing/Combat classes Suspension Training Watt Bike TrainingGymnastic Skills & a whole lot more...Don’t just believe what you read in The Edge, come &experience it for yourself – visit www.mi-gym.com NOWfor a FREE taster session during February ...Unit 8 Eckersley Road, Chelmsford, Essex CM1 1SL (off Victoria Road by the Royal Mail sorting office)Terms & conditions apply.

NOW OPEN (THE WEIGHT IS OVER)YOUR GYM, YOUR CHOICE…If you want treadmills, weight stacks & a swimming pool, then we are NOT for you!Everyone is unique & that includes us.We are as individual as YOU are.You see, if we were a cow we would be a PURPLE cow with a HUGE MOO;(we are kinda different)!Are you the person, or the shape you want to be...?We can take you from where you are to where you REALLY ought to be.We know that there is more than one way to peel a Banana and get you theRESULTS you deserve!We are…..A FUN-ctional fitness playground & Personal Training paradise for YOU to achieveresults!As a team we are ferociously committed to delivering a unique fitness experience toget you fit for purpose for everyday life; from the Burpee to the Boardroom.We offer…..Personal Training Group Training CoachingOlympic Lifting Kettlebells CrossFit ChelmsfordBoxing/Combat classes Suspension Training Watt Bike TrainingGymnastic Skills & a whole lot more...Don’t just believe what you read in The Edge, come &experience it for yourself – visit www.mi-gym.com NOWfor a FREE taster session during February ...Unit 8 Eckersley Road, Chelmsford, Essex CM1 1SL (off Victoria Road by the Royal Mail sorting office)Terms & conditions apply.

The Edge is sure there’s some sort of computer game called Premiership Manager whereby the players (of the game) pretend tobe Premiership Managers by accosting referees, driving flash cars, chewing a lot of gum and generally wheeling and dealing inthe transfer market with their chairman’s money. Only this publication got to thinking about an entirely different concept of thegame and what’s more, you don’t even need a computer to play it.Basically, it’s working title is ‘Premiership Manager’s Knobs’ (not dissimilar to the movie ‘Bedknobs & Broomsticks’ starringAngela Lansbury and David Tomlinson, only any resemblance stops right there) and it’s a bit like pinning a tail to a donkey’s arse.In short, what you do is rub your chin and try to work out a league table for how ‘well hung’ the current bunch of 20 PremiershipManagers actually are in comparison to their team’s current league position (which is totally immaterial). As an example, here’swhat The Edge thinks, but why not consider it yourself on your next commute up to London, or even discuss it over dinner withfriends at the weekend, rather than merely talking the weather and/or just how much your kids have grown.1. TONY PULIS (Stoke City)2. CHRIS HUGHTON (Norwich City)If this is the size of the ‘Pulis Pecker’then The Edge rests its case.3. ROBERTO MANCINI (Man. City)4. ARSENE WENGER (Arsenal)5. MICHAEL LAUDRUP (Swansea)cIf these are the size of his balls,clearly Chrissie is packing a proper‘hampton’ downstairs.6. BRENDAN ROGERS (Liverpool)7. ALAN PARDEW (Newcastle)Correctamundo!With a ‘Welsh Dragon’ in his pantsBrendan simply can’t walkanywhere without pushing histackle before him in a wheelbarrow.8. MARTIN JOL (Fulham)9. SAM ALLARDYCE (West Ham)10. NIGEL ADKINS (Southampton)11. FERGIE (Manchester United)Well, he’s Dutch after all.And just look at his face.If ever a man was happy with hisown pride’n’joy’ it’s ‘Big MJ’.12. STEVE CLARKE (West Brom)13. PAUL LAMBERT (Aston Villa)This ambitious Scot doesn’t look asthough he’s exactly overjoyed byhis twelfth placed ranking, butThe Edge still reckons there’sa bit of a Loch Ness ‘Monster’beneath his kilt.14. A.V.B. (Tottenham Hotspur)15. DAVID MOYES (Everton)16. ROBERTO MARTINEZ (Wigan)If ever a man (a) looked like he wasmade out of Play-Do and (b) lookedmore like a carpet salesman than afootball club manager, then it hasgot to be Brian McDermott.17. BRIAN McDERMOTT (Reading)18. HARRY REDKNAPP (Q.P.R.)Surely it’d be hard to even findit amongst all that unrulyginger foliage?19. MARTIN O’NEILL (Sunderland)20. FAT SPANISH WAITER (Chelsea)“Fernando? FERNANDO?Have you seen my cock?!”Page 18 The Edge 077 646 797 44

Bird StuffWhether you’re a bird or not, you may well have noticed, over the past fewyears, that handbags appear to be getting bigger and bigger, writes LouiseThomas. No, don’t panic, it’s not just your eyesight that’s getting worse, dueto old age. However, I do think we’re genuinely in the middle of a seriouscrisis and there’s simply no point in denying it, for it appears that we have asevere handbag obesity pandemic on our hands!Of course, every girl knows the golden rule about big bags; that being, thebigger your handbag, the slimmer you look. It’s like some trendy opticalillusion whereby size really does matter. Which is pretty much the samereasoning behind why some girls seem to surround themselves with fatfriends. For some bizarre reason, we women simply like to feel as small aswe possibly can. Maybe we’re all just a little bit psychologically damagedfrom watching Thumbelina too much as a child?Should havegone toWhatever the dispute, we are the experts in conflict resolutionand are here to helpwww.essexmediation.co.ukChelmsford: 01245 492200 Colchester: 01206 767388Harlow: 01279 311431So in true womanly ‘Borrowers’ style, it seems Chanel have created theperfect bag to help make us girls look absolutely miniscule and, believe it ornot, it is based on the shape of a hula-hoop. Yes, I know, it’s just what we’vealways wanted from a handbag and oh so much more!With a circumference that would rival Pat Butchers earrings, you can be surethis bag will make you look absolutely tiny. However, do bear in mind youmight also risk looking a little like a clown on day-release from the circus.But it’s truly so much more than just another handbag. After all, we womenseem to have some kind of innate talent at being able to justify a validreason behind exactly why we absolutely need to own each and every one ofour twenty-odd handbags. But by chance you’re not so well versed in thatparticular area, Chanel have kindly written their own excuse, simply to let usknow why we must have this bag. That’s right, it’s USP (unique selling point)is that you can take it to Southend-on-Sea, or maybe even Clacton or Frintonif you’re feeling a little frisky, stick it in the sand and hang all the rest of yourother crap from it. In fact, I’m not even sure how we’ve ever coped on a daytrip to the beach without one before, if I’m honest!Only the fun doesn’t stop at the beach. Just imagine walking downChelmsford High Street with one slung casually over your shoulder. Gettinginto training for the Hula-Hooping finals at the very next Olympics, are we,ladies?I’m almost 99.9% sure that this shoe had us Essex Girls right at the very heartof it’s design. Ever been on a night-out where you’ve had one too many, begunteetering on your way-too-high heels and, before you know it, onesnaps and you’re face down on the cobbles? Thought so!Unless you have a chivalrous knight in shiningarmour on hand to run off to Tesco with topurchase some superglue (they do exist, onlythey’re a little thin on the ground) then you endup hobbling around on one shoe all night. Soyou’ll doubtless be pleased to hear that someonehas gone to the expense ofre-creating that very moment, and all at amost generous £300 per pair too.How’s that for a bit of drunken Essex Girl chic? !"#$%& #'!( #( #)!* + & ,* Three year old RubyWells getting stuckinto the October’11edition - sent in byher Dad, Simon,who doubtlesssnapped this shotwhilst he wasdriving!----.+,---/00+)+12222!"#$%$ &"'()*+,,,+- ./($01 !012!! PREMIER LEAGUEMATCH BREAKSFROM £79BOOK NOW AT1 Market Road, Chelmsford01245 345 678*Terms and Conditions apply, see in-store for detailsc cFacebook.com/theedgemagazinefacebook.com/theedgemagazineTwitter.com/TheEdgeMagwww.theedgemag.co.uk Page 22Twitter.com/TheEdgeMagPage 19SwhisnanAs mTheThe'shaprogthe sthatthe CIn shrealigangThrobasegangthe lout fGo twwwchapquid‘The'I coI lovOr glet lowithWilli‘JawandhaveMafi‘Theon MagaistylewouPeoI couwhy.I thinBusiI havthe rpresSo hThisthe gjustshau

YOUR&lettersemailsto theedge!CHELMSFORD, CM2 6XD.shaun@theedgemag.co.ukThe Future’s OrangeDear Edge,I have a question and it goessomething like this: If (some)women are so worried aboutwhether their thighs look too fat, ortheir bum looks too big, why dothey never ask, “Do I look like anUmpah Lumpah with this ‘slap’ onmy face?I only ask because getting on thebus this very morning there was agirl who obviously hadn't askedanyone that question and shelooked like a bloody clementine!Now, being a man, I may have gotthis all totally wrong, but my understandingwas that when it comes tomake-up, a lady is surely supposedto use powder and blusher toenhance that which she alreadyhas? Obviously it is not my placeto pass comment, BUT, shouldn'tsomething have been said? Surelythere must be boyfriends, girlfriends,parents and/or friends onhand that see it and choose toignore it?The girl this morning was reasonablypale, but her whole face wassimply orange; not a subtle healthybrown or tan, but downright bloodyorange. And not only that, but thecolour abruptly stopped about aninch after her face ended, leavingthe rest if her neck looking muchpaler and far more 'normal'.Fake tans, to a point, I can understand.Personally, I feel far betterwhen I have a little colour in mycheeks. My tubbyness somehowbecomes a little more acceptableand a little less repulsive. I feelmore confident and am happy towalk around a pool in shorts.But Seville Orange faces justseem odd. And it has even got tothe point where, in my local Boots,they have stopped stocking theface colour my wife usually wears(‘corpse white’) whilst the lightestshade they start with appears to be‘Subtle Satsuma’.Clearly it’s not a man’s place tooffer beauty advice or tips, but dogirls really want to look like BelishaBeacons?Matthew.Here, here, Matthew. E.E.New ColumnistDear Edge,Why don’t you see whether youcan talk local-ish girl Jodie Marshinto being a new Edge columnistfor 2013?You know, so’s she could tell it likeit (really) is from a woman’s pointof view?Abigail WatsonShenfieldWhat a blinding idea, Abigail,and thanks for reading The Edgein deepest, darkest Shenfield.Actually, thinking back a fewyears, I did spot Jodie Marshentering Baroosh one Saturdaylunchtime, so I followed her in,gave her a copy of the mag andasked whether I could do an articleon her. She never got back tome though!E.E.RememberingDukesDear Edge,Now that we are in 2013, I thoughtI would get in touch to let youresteemed readers know about anexhibition that Chelmsford Museumis putting on in December 2013and ask for everyone’s help.The exhibition is all about Dukesnightclub. When they closed, theowners were good enough to letthe museum have a number ofpieces to remember this iconicinstitution by in the future, such assofas, tables and chairs, the deskat the entrance, advertising banners,a bouncers’ uniform and evena carpet sample!What we need, however, is everyone’smemories (keep them short,please) and any photos (etc) thatpeople might have (only cleanones, due to us attracting a familyaudience and all that!).Please send to museums@chelmsford.gov.ukand you may find yourentry used in the exhibition.Many thanks to all who supply.Nick WickendenMuseums ManagerParks & Heritage ServicesDirectorate of Public PlacesChelmsford City CouncilWell, that’s a challenge and ahalf, isn’t it just, readers?So why not see what oldphotographs you might be ableto find, and maybe you’ve stillgot some of your old clobberthat you used to wear on thedancefloor up in the attic thatyou can donate?E.E.Shire HallHello,I’ve sent this email to a few peoplewho may be interested (or mayknow other people who may becurious, so please do forward it onto your readers) in the future of thisnow empty building in Chelmsford.Maybe if enough people send intheir ideas for a community/creative/artyuse for Shire Hall thenthe local council could be persuadedto make it happen?Ideally, they want people (orgroups of people) to come forwardwith a use that is both self-fundingand commercially viable.It’s certainly not up to me whathappens to it (it’s owned by theCounty Council, not the CityCouncil who I work for) but I’d definitelylike it to become somethingspecial befitting our new city, so I’memailing this info because peopleneed to know there’s a potentiallyexciting opportunity that’s now upfor grabs.Here’s some official blurb aboutShire Hall that you might find interesting:It is rare that a building of sucharchitectural and cultural significancebecomes available for adaptationand reuse. This is an opportunityto be part of the CityCouncil’s plans to enhance theposition of England’s newest cityas a significant regional centre fordevelopment and trade.Following the closure of theMagistrate’s Courts within ShireHall, Essex County Council, thefreeholder, is seeking new partnerswho will implement a sensitivescheme to enhance and improvethis magnificent building. Anyscheme must respect the heritageof Shire Hall and at the same timeensure that it has a future which isboth commercially viable andmeets community objectives.Essex County Council is thereforeinviting ‘expressions of interest’from a potential development partner/partnerswho share their visionand enthusiasm to make Shire Hallonce again the heart ofChelmsford’s vibrant community.The following objectives will beplaced at the centre of the CountyCouncil’s decision making process:- It will retain both the freehold ofthe building and an interest in theproposed future use of Shire Hall- It will ensure any future uses ofthe building deliver a sustainablefinancial model that generatesincome to benefit the residents ofEssex- It will require continuation of publicaccess to the building and asense of community ownership.These are just a few of the highlightsof this exciting opportunity.For more information, go towww.theshirehall.comEssex County Council understandsthat this building plays a prominentpart in the life and streetscape ofthe City of Chelmsford. We wouldwelcome any feedback from membersof the public as to how theproperty could best be used.We will capture all feedback andthe Shire Hall Reference Group willreview all of the suggestions.Please send an email to:shire.hallconsultation@essex.gov.ukRegards,Liam Rich.Hmmmmm. This is a tricky one,is it not, readers? Erm, whatabout turning it into a giantcloakroom and/or place to leaveyour brolly when shopping intown when the sun suddenlytakes us by surprise? Or whatabout it being a special holdingpen for Chelmsford’s remainingratboys? A right big cheeseshop? Brothel? VSC (VegetarianStorage Centre)? I dunno. E.E.Page 20 The Edge 077 646 797 44

Slim-A-ThonSee the differenceinjust 12 weeks!Sign up throughoutFebruaryry& MarchLast Tango in HalifaxIf you’re of a certain age and you’re looking for a St. Valentine’s Day gift togo with the box of chocs and the bunch of red roses (for pities sake, dowe still buy our loved ones such obvious and typical gifts every February14th?), then why not treat that certain someone in your life to a DVD ofthe Beeb’s initial series of Last Tango in Halifax, first aired in November/December 2012 (or possibly hire it from either Blockbuster or ChelmsfordLibrary, if your as tight as arseholes, like me), reports The Edge Editor.A drama like this doesn’t come around very often and the viewingfigures reflected the fact as it attracted the biggest mid-week ratings for abrand new series (throughout 2012) with an average consolidatedaudience of 7.1million viewers.The cast stars Anne Reid and Derek Jacobi (above) as Celia Dawson andAlan Buttershaw, childhood sweethearts whose paths went astray in theirteens, yet whose love is rekindled some 50-odd years down the line.There is a genuine warmth to this series and a true affection towards thecharacters, making it all the more poignant for me as my very own fatherin-law(‘Only Me’) has only just recently found new romance in his life atthe tender age of 76, although he did let on that he’d been ‘working on’her (Daphne) since the tail end of the 2012 bowling season.WIN free membershipsfor the WIN pamper vouchersWIN money for yourfavourite charity PRIZE for everyonewhocompletes the 12 weekchallengeénergie inch loss challenge Tel: 0124528778932 Moulsham StreetChelmsford CM2w0 HXchelmsford@energieffgieffw-club.comwww.effw.co.uk/chelmsfordSarah Lancashire (Caroline) and Nicola Walker (Gillian) also give sterlingperformances as Celia and Alan’s respective daughters, the former onceplaying the part of barmaid Raquel in Corrie, you may recall, whilst in LastTango she plays a career-focused head teacher who embarks upon apassionate lesbian relationship (“with someone who ’appens to be awoman”, as they say oop North), whilst Gillian works hard on the familyfarm and also part-time in a local supermarket in order to make endsmeet, and also has a somewhat promiscuous social life to boot.It’s all quite delightful stuff, but not at all squeaky clean like The DarlingBuds of May if that’s what you’re thinking.Those of you who caught this really rather refreshing drama will no doubtbe pleased to know that a second series has already been commissioned.And I’m sorry, folks, but do you honestly think it would have aroused suchinitial curiosity had been called, pray, Last Tango in Chelmsford?One definitely thinks not.Sarah Lancashire, Anne Reid, Derek Jacobi and Nicola WalkerThe Edge 01245 348256 Page 21

ONLYJOKING!Irish Divorce CourtIn an Irish Divorce Court a woman asked thejudge if he’d grant her a severance from herhusband."But why?" asked the judge.She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me."The judge asked, "How do you know?"She replied, "M’lud, not one of our childrenresembles him."All That JewelleryThe BBC made Jimmy Savile wear all thatjewellery so that kids could hear him coming.Scouse DiscoveryPolice in Liverpool last night announced the discoveryof an arms cache of 200 semi-automaticrifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 20 tonsof heroin, £5million in forged UK banknotes and25 trafficked Ukrainian prostitutes, all in a semidetachedhouse behind the Public Library inToxteth.Local residents were stunned. A communityspokesman said: "They're all in shock. Theynever knew we had a library."Oldie But GoodiePaddy and Colleen were making mad, passionatelove in Paddy's minivan when suddenlyColleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yelledout: "Whip me, big boy. Whip me!"Paddy, not wanting to pass up this uniqueopportunity, obviously did not have any whips athand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opened hiswindow, snapped the antenna off his van andproceeded to whip Colleen into a state of nearecstasy.A couple of days later, Colleen noticed that themarks left by the whipping were starting tofester, so she went to see her doctor.The doctor took one look at her wounds andasked, "Did you get these marks having sex?"Colleen, a little embarrassed, eventually admittedthat, yes, she did.Nodding his head knowingly, the doctorexclaimed, "I thought as much. In all my yearsas a doctor, this is the worst case of van aerialdisease I have ever seen."Now ThenThe TV News just displayed three images ofwomen who claimed that Jimmy Savile interferedwith them sexually. They showed a currentpicture of each of the women, together with aphoto of each of them taken back in the seventies.Thecaption read: Now, then. Now, then.Now, then.The Aliens Have LandedTwo aliens landed in the Arizona desert near agas station that was closed for the night. Theyapproached one of the gas pumps and theyounger alien addressed it by saying,"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Takeus to your leader."The gas pump, naturally, did not respond.The younger alien became angry at the lack ofresponse, so the older alien said, “I'd calm downif I were you.”But the younger alien ignored the warning, asyounger aliens tend to do (no matter what theirspecies) and repeated his greeting. Yet onceagain, there was no response.Miffed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drewout his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings,Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to yourleader or I will open fire!"The older alien once again warned his comrade,saying, “You probably don't want to do that. Ireally think that will make him mad.”“Rubbish!” replied the cocky, young alien, whothen aimed his weapon and opened fire.There then followed a huge explosion and amassive fireball roared towards the young alienand blew him completely off his feet, eventuallylanding in a burnt, smoking mess about 200metres away in a cactus patch.Half an hour passed. When the young alienfinally regained consciousness, he refocused histhree eyes, straightened his bent antenna, andlooked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who wasstanding over him shaking his big, green head.“What a ferocious creature!” exclaimed theyoung, fried alien. “That Earthling damn nearkilled me! How did you know he was so dangerous?”The older alien leaned over, placed a friendlyfeeler on his crispy young friend and replied,“If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactictravels, it’s that you never mess with aguy who can loop his pecker over his shoulderand stick it in his ear.”Never Again“IT’S A BOY!" he shouted. "IT’S A BOY! I DON'TBELIEVE IT! IT’S A BOY!"And with tears streaming down his face, heswore never to visit a Thai brothel ever again.MollyA new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfitin a remote post in the Afghanistan Desert .During his first inspection of the outfit, henoticed a camel hitched up behind the messtent.So he asked the Sergeant why a camel waskept there and the nervous sergeant said, “Well,sir, as you know, there are 250 men in this outfitand no women. Sometimes the men have'urges', sir. So that's why we have ‘Molly theCamel’.”The Captain says, “Well, I can't say that I condonethis action, but I’m a man and I understandall about 'urges', so the camel can stay.”About a month later, the Captain started havinghis own 'urges' and, crazy with passion, heasked the Sergeant to bring Molly to his tent.Putting a ladder up behind the camel, theCaptain climbed a few rungs, pulled his pantsdown and took part in some wild, insane, anal,animal desert sex.When he was done, he asked the Sergeant, “Isthat how the other men usually do it?”“Er, no, not really, sir,” said the Sergeant. “Theyusually just ride the camel a couple of miles intotown where the girls are.”Wine-OAt a wine merchants, the regular taster died, sothe director started looking for a new one tohire.A drunkard, with a ragged, dirty look, came in toapply for the position.The director of the winery wondered how tosend him on his way. So he gave him a glass ofwine to drink.The drunk immediately necked it and said. "It'sa Muscat, three years old, grown on a northslope, matured in steel containers. Low grade,but acceptable.”"Wow!” said the boss. “Spot on.”Another glass...."It's a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-westernslope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees.Requires three more years for finest results.""Whoa!” exclaims the boss.A third glass....''It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade andexclusive.''The director is astonished.He winked at his secretary, secretly suggestingsomething. So she left the room and returnedwith a glass of urine.The alcoholic tried it."It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant,and if you don't give me the job, I shalldefinitely be naming the father."Curry Powder MistakeTwo Indian junkies accidently snort curry powderinstead of cocaine by mistake.Both end up in hospital.One's in a korma.The other's got a dodgy tikka.Frying a Couple of EggsA wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs forher husband. Suddenly, her husband burst intothe kitchen.“Careful,” he said. “CAREFUL! Add a little morebutter. Oh my god! You're cooking too many atonce. TOO MANY, I tell you! Turn them. TURNTHEM OVER! More butter. Add more butter.DON’T LET THEM STICK! Oh good lord! YouNEVER listen to me when you're COOKING!Never! Turn them again! Hurry, before they startto stick! Are you CRAZY? Have you lost yourMARBLES? Now serve them up. And don'tforget to salt them. You ALWAYS forget to saltthem. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT,WOMAN! USE THE SALT!”The wife glared at him. “What in the world iswrong with you this morning? You think I don'tknow how to fry a couple of eggs?”Her husband calmly replied, “Just wanted toshow you what it feels like when I'm driving, mydear.”Sex ObjectA man’s wife is nothing more than a sex object.Every time he asks for sex, she objects.PythonI'm selling my pet python on eBay.Some bloke’s just rang up and asked me howbig it is?I said, “It’s f ing massive.”***So he asked how many feet?I said, “None. It's a f ing snake.”Surprise! Surprise!My wife surprised me the other night when shecame home with one of those devices that makeyour penis grow bigger.H’hey, it was her sister!Dublin FloristPaddy goes into a Dublin florists and says,"I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for mygirlfriend, please."The florist looks at him and says, "Certainly, sir.Now is there anything in particular that you’reafter?”Paddy says, “Yes. A f .”***All jokes published are supplied by Edge readers. Please send your ‘egg yokes’ to shaun@theedgemag.co.uk***

londonmen’sfashionweekThe Edge for one reckons it’s hard to getyour head around fashion.What’s fashionable one moment simplyain’t in vogue the next and it’s all to do withthe fickle creations of designers the likes ofCuthbert, Jemima, Douglas and Freesia.Take the bloke’s London Fashion Weekevent that occurred in our capital city inJanuary. Prime Minister Dave Cameroneven invited a load of ’em along toDowning Street beforehand, addressingthem thus: “Tonight, Matthew, I, your PM,will mainly be wearing a Richard Jamessuit, Oliver Sweeney shoes and M&Sundercrackers. As you can see, folks, Iknow next to nowt about fashion, onlywhen I do get the chance to have a bit of agander about the shops, my wife doesn’treally let me look around. I am merely positionedinside a changing-room and passeditems to try on.”And fair play to him for that admission as ‘OurDave’ probably speaks for an awful lot of menthe length and breadth of the country, becausewhen it comes to dress sense, let’s face it, we’rehardly the French or the Italians, are we?Meanwhile, Dylan Jones, editor of poncy GQmagazine and chairman of London Collections(Volume: Men) said: “From Saville Row toShoreditch, from Bond Street to BacknangSquare, British menswear has never been moredynamic, or more successful.”Staged over the course of three days, the eventfeatured more than 60 shows and presentations“men need to start walkingabout in their pj’s with awooden box that’s been freshlysmashed over their heads”aimed at setting the right tone for this comingautumn and winter 2013 menswear season.“Eh?” pokes up The Edge Editor. “But I’ll bewearing exactly the same togs as those I’vebeen wearing this season and last, on thestraight forward and somewhat practicalgrounds that they haven’t bloody well wornout yet.”Now does a comment such as that speak forthe vast majority of the country, or for an exclusive10% of us, is it a case of blow the expensebecause it’s out with the old (wardrobe) and inwith the new?The first outfit onto the catwalk summed upthe key message for next autumn, mixingsporty outerwear, such as parkas, with suiting.Playing with shape and proportion wasemphasised through the styling, socropped fur-trimmed coats fell short oversuit jackets whilst trousers, tucked intothick wool hiking socks and boots, hadextra volume through the leg.Gordon Richardson, Topman Design's creativedirector, explained that "an early gentlemanexplorer look" was central to THELOOK for next autumn. "London man hascome into contact with other cultures, suchas those of Tibet or India, and thenabsorbed those cultures into his own style."What the f...?!?!?!Certainly the appearance of giant backpacks,which feature compasses and hipflasks swinging from brightly colouredstraps, ticked the ‘explorer’ box.“HOY! So where does the crate smashed over ageezer’s head come in then, eh?” shouted outThe Edge’s special correspondent from thewings, whilst desperately trying to be restrained(man-handled, no less) by Brendan the bouncer.But there was no stopping the fashion bollocks,now that it was in full, puerile flow. “Theautumn/winter 2013 colour palette will includespicy oranges and reds, whilst Tibetan prints willfeature on boiled wool pea coats....”BOILED MUSHY PEA JACKETS?!?!?! That isjust complete and utter nonsense, is that.CHALLENGEYOUR SENSESWITH THEBEOVISION 11Your eyes will be stimulated, your earsexcited, your imagination taken to thevery limit. BeoVision 11 Smart TV withfull control from your iPad.Available in 40”, 46” and 55” screen sizes.Visit our showroom and see for yourself.Bang & Olufsen of Chelmsford16-18 New London Road,Chelmsford, Essex, CM2 0SPTel: 01245 266117chelmsford@bang-olufsen.co.ukwww.bang-olufsen.com/chelmsfordScan to see BeoVision 11 come aliveor go to bang-olufsen.com/beovision11shaun@theedgemag.co.uk Page 23

Telesales £26,000 OTEInformation Solutions - £14,000 basic + commissionA great opportunity to join a young dynamic teamYou will need to be energetic, very hard working andambitious. You must have a fun, outgoing personalityand be comfortable making a high volume ofoutbound calls, handling rejections and forging newrelationships. Ideally you will have previous telesalesexperience and great communication skills.If you really are ambitious call us NOW or submit yourCV at www.dbsdata.co.uk/work-with-usCall: 01245 397 570www.dbsdata.co.ukEROTICFantasy14 Broomfield Road, Chelmsford.TEL. 01245 28 33 0010%DISCOUNTupon productionof this EDGEadvertisement’til 28/2/13ST. VALENTINE’S DAY GIFTS GALORE!Licensed Sex Shop1000’s of DVD’s from under £10Largest range of Herbal Viagra in the areaAll the latest Adult Toys in stockLingeriePVCRubberEverything (and MORE) for fun loving singles/couplesOpen ’til 7:00pmJust 1 minutes walk from both Chelmsford Bus & Rail stationsEstablished in Chelmsford for the past 20 yearsKnowledgeable, discreet, friendly staff.Sir RANDYI was reading this article about SirRanulph Fiennes a while back andthe mind truly boggles.Next month, this 69-year-old isventuring across Antarctica on asix month mission he himself oncedescribed as being virtually“impossible”.Yet the reason he’s so very keen todo it is because he’s had a whiffthat another exploration party fromNorway are also considering givingAntarctica a crack, and the mereidea that they might be the first toset a record was just too much tobear for this particular OAP.How about that, eh, readers?Almost 70 years old yet clearlyhe still gives a feck!Make no mistake, Sir Randy willmost definitely be putting his ownlife in severe danger in the name ofexploration.Already he has lost several fingersto frostbite - a couple of which hesawed off himself (’ard, or what?) -as well as suffering a heart attackback in 2003, so surely he shouldknow better, right?Nope. Not a bit of it. Perhaps he’lleven carry on doing these sort ofcrazy escapades until the day hecroaks, and all credit to him forthat, for life is for the living.Only by Christ, can you even imaginetrying to climb to the summit ofMount Everest when you’re 65 andactually succeeding? That’s right,Sir Randy’s already been there,dunnit and got the flamin’ t-shirt.Surely this fella puts us meremortals to cotton-picking shame.“Somebody saidthat the olderyou get, themore youbecome theperson youalways shouldhave been. I feelthat’s happeningto me.” David BowieMY Christmas DayLUNCHNow honestly, readers, is it anywonder I don’t want anything whatsoeverto do with Christmas everagain?Just look at the size of myChristmas Day lunch, will you!Christ, we even bought BIGGERPLATES especially for the occasionand what’s (probably) worse is thatI managed to polish off the entire lotthat was piled onto mine.No wonder I got ‘the sweats’ a fewtimes over the Crimbo/New Year’speriod. With all that food and boozeswilling around inside you, how canyou possibly not?Hence my reason for wanting tojettison the whole ridiculous periodfor the remainder of my days (yes, Iam being totally serious).I love the build-up to Christmas, butonce Christmas Day arrives, that’sit, I’m no longer frigging well interested.In future, I want to be on a’plane that’s heading somewherewarm and sunny.The only reason I’ve only ever beenaway twice over the festive periodbefore is because it can be literallyThe Edge 01245 348256double the price of other times ofthe year. But in all honestly, for thesake of my sanity, I think it’s a pricewell worth paying in the future.HAPPY NEW YEARBless her heart, this old dear, whoreally did look as though she’dbeen abandoned, wished me a‘Happy New Year’ whilst I waswalking along the beach in Dorseton New Year’s Day. Only I wantedto say to her, “Do you think you’llsee another one in then?”But hey, you don’t, do you? Youjust don’t. You keep thoughts likethat to yourself. Least I do.But we’ve all got to go sometime,haven’t we? Only hey, we neverknow when our time is going to beup. Could be this week, nextweek, this month, next year....Who knows?Happy little soul, aren’t I?Oh aye, I’ve certainly started 2013the way I intend to go on.Page 24 The Edge 01245 348256

JACKANORYI didn’t much care for Jackanory when I was a kid.I think I knew, way back then, that there was something ‘just a little bitodd’ about it, in so far as some stranger wanted you to metaphorically siton his lap whilst he read you a story through the television screen.The show was first transmitted as long ago as 13th December 1965 and itcontinued right up until 1996, clocking up some 3,500 episodes, so hey,some of you must have liked it.There was actually a bit of as revival back in 2006 when none other thanSir Benjamin Kingsley chose to read some of his lines from Sexy Beast forthe young boys and girls who’d just finished school for the day.And what about the theme tune? ‘Jackanory, Jackanory....do d’doo doodoo doooooo, Jackanory’. Very sinister indeed. Was it designed to put kidsinto some sort of a trancelike state?Whilst we’re on the subject of books, The Edge heard someone sayrecently that people (of a certain age) can be divided into Tolkien andnon-Tolkien categories.Well, it may come as little to no surprise to learn that your editor happilyfalls into the latter group.I seem to recall at my primary school, when I was about 10 or 11, havingour very own Jackanory type sessions when, on a Thursday afternoon,right after swimming, our teacher would read us ‘The Hobbit’.Bilbo Baggins my arse!I used to take the opportunity to either daydream or nod-off completely.Give me the Dandy and the Beano any day of the week.You want Daddyto read you another oneof those silly stories theEdge man prints,Lily???3-COURSEMEAL£25pp*Chinese New YearYear of the SnakeMenuStarters2nd CourseTUES.12th FEB.&WED. 13thFEB.Main CourseINC.LION DANCING& LUCKY PRIZEDRAW*A 10% servicecharge will beaddedBOOKNOW!TClearly The Edge’s youngest reader of allllllll time, Ms Lily Keene, all three anda half months of her, sent in by her mummy, Donna.SANFINEST CHINESE CUISINE136 MOULSHAM ST., CHELMSFORD, CM2 0JT.TELEPHONE: 01245 290099shaun@theedgemag.co.uk Page 25

SWEET, SWEET SCIENCERegular readers (I reckon I musthave at least 4 by now) will knowthat I’m all about the science. I lovescience. I’d science morning, noonand night if I could. My relationshipwith science has often been a turbulentone and my egg-headedfriends have let me down on manyan occasion.OK, they did come up with that militaryrobot that could power itselfby eating dead bodies and I’m willingto forgive them for pretty muchanything after that little gem. Still,I’ve had to resign myself to the factthat they still won’t do the decentthing and turn me into Robocop -not to mention that my chances ofever visiting Jurassic Park andfighting Velociraptors are slim tonone.ME & MY adamantiumskeletonexactly as you’d expect them to bystaggering around and being incapableof navigating simple mazes.Insteadthey took to cowering incorners, presumably after tellingthe researchers that they weretheir best mates ever.But the rats given all that lovelybooze and an injection of DHMbehaved completely normally,showing no signs of drunkeness orillness after their mammothdrinkathon. I’m not entirely surewhat constitutes normal ratbehaviour, but I’m going to assumeit meant that they chewed stuff andhad sex a lot. Anyhow, it looks asthough we’ll be getting this onesooner than the exercise pill as it’salready undergoing human trials inthe USA.However, it appears that sciencemight just be on the verge ofknocking it out of the park for all ofus, and even I’ll put these next twoon my wish list above the flyingmonkeys I’ve been after for ages.Now, be honest, how many of youhave already fallen off the gymwagon after Christmas and theNew Year? You have, haven’t you?Well, in a few years, you might nothave to worry about sweating up astorm in those dungeons of theSpanish Inquisition they call ‘gyms’as they’re currently testing whatmight be the first viable exercisepill. Yes, you heard that right, and ifyou’re anything like me the precedingsentence was read while thesound of heavenly trumpets sangin the background and Robocophimself charged past on a unicorn.Well, it could happen!I’m not talking about another bullshitweight-loss pill here either.This isn’t one of the million rip offpills that cost you a fortune andjust contain a bit of caffiene, or thatone that seems to make you loseweight by uncontrollably soilingyourself (although that one gets apass on comedy value alone). Thisis a pill that actually mimics thecalorie burning of a workout.This discovery of discoveriescomes to us via my new favouritehormone: Irisine. Irisine essentiallymimics the fat burning process ofyour body, turning ‘bad’ white fatinto ‘good’ brown fat. The ‘good’ fatproduces heat and burns calorieseven when - and this is the importantbit - you’re not doing anything.Obviously it wouldn’t be a propersubsitute for exercise and youwouldn’t get all the other benefits,such as toned muscles, stressrelief and insufferable smugness.On the other hand, you can spendthe evening sitting in a paddlingpool full of doughnuts watching aBattleStar Galactica marathon andstill be losing weight.Let’s face it, with 62% of the countryclassed as overweight in 2012,I think it’s safe to say most of usprefer a visit to Pizza Hut ratherthan the gym. I can think of adozen things off the top of my headthat I find much more fun thanexercise, such as drilling into myown kneecaps, or attaching electrodesto my genitals, and even ifan Irisine pill just means that I onlyhave to do half of the exercise I donow, then I’ll be all over it if theyever get it right.I’ll be completely honest with youand admit that I go to the gym anddo exactly the minimum amountrequired to stop myself getting reallylardy - and to look at girl’s arseson the treadmill in front of me, ofcourse. Given the opportunity of abrisk walk to the shop for morecigarettes being enough exerciseto keep me in trim, I would never,ever bother going within 100 feet ofa gym.The Kingmeister reportsSo Irisine is being looked at withmore serious benefits in mind asthey believe that it will be able tohelp treat some neuromuscular“...or that one that seems to make you loseweight by uncontrollably soiling yourself...”disorders, diabetes and actualclinical obesity. To be honest, I’mnot sure why that last one evengets classed as a medical condition.Surely it just means thatyou’re a really, really fat bastard,doesn’t it?Not content with teasing us withthe possibility of a fat burning pill,those lovely scientists are also onthe verge of giving us a cure forone of the most devastating healthissues known to mankind: TheHangover. That’s right, they’regetting very close to perfecting apreventative cure for the hangoverin handy pill form.Couldn’t they have invented itbefore New Years Eve?We can thank the Oriental raisintree for this one, or, more accurately,a chemical called DHM that isprocessed from the tree. DHM isbeing tested on rats in the usualsciencey and hilarious ways,namely by injecting them with theequivalent of 20 beers in 2 hours,or as we call it: Friday Night. Thoserats that had been given thealcohol and nothing else behavedDr. Charlie Sheen: Head ofresearchI’ll certainly be keeping a close eyeon these two and I’ll be the proverbialpig-in-shit if and when theyever do make it to the market.I can tell you without a shadow of adoubt that every night will consistof ‘getting pissed and ordering a 20inch pizza’ in the Kingpin household.And it’d be great if they could comeup with a pill that added an extrazero to my bank balance as well.The Long Arm of theLaw***This is one of those “What the fwas he thinking?!” moments that Ihad to share with you. Do youremember at school when the policeor firemen used to visit to deliversermons about not talking tostrangers or fire safety? They do asimilar thing in the States but, asusual, our US cousins have to do itbigger and better.To demonstrate what life in lawenforcement was like, Officer ChrisWebb had the genius idea of gettingthe 10 year old kids to clean hispatrol car. One lad, obviously believingthis wasn’t a true representationof a career in the police, declined theoffer. Officer Webb decided to deliverthe salutary lesson of “This is whathappens to people that don’t listen tothe police” and then tasered the 10year old until he blacked out.I can’t imagine any level at whichdelivering 50,000 volts of electricity toa child seemed like a good idea and Ican imagine quite a lot. One thing’sfor sure; that’s one visit that won’t beforgotten in a hurry and that’s probablyhow a future supervillain was justcreated.Page 26 The Edge 01245 348256

RUDE BOYSDespite the myriad attractions and stimulations ofNYC, this month’s missive has been inspired by avisit to the homeland. Yes, the Christmas and NewYear holiday period afforded the chance to return tothe UK for a week or so to see what had changedin the last six months. From afar, it seemed theOlympics has put a new energy and enthusiasminto the UK, and I expected all would be positiveoptimism. Well, that’s what I was hoping for, but inreality it seems that not a lot has altered and anyfeel-good generated by the games appears to havebeen washed away with four months of rain.The visit had been timed to coincide with the mostglamorous game of the season at White Hart Lane;Stoke City. They haven’t changed. A side made upentirely of six foot thugs duly played out a veryunglamorous 0-0 draw.Transport isn’t any better either. Just to make sure Ifelt totally at home, Greater Anglia duly managed tokeep me immobile in a broken down train outsideIlford for an hour and a half. The weather? Well,you don’t need me to comment on that. So, all inall, it was a little disappointing to find that the damngood show put up by both the organisers and competitorshadn’t had a long lasting effect.The word ‘home’ was used twice back there a bitand it’s interesting to note how the brain reacts toliving in a different country. Before Christmas, I wastelling work colleagues I was going home for theholidays - that is, back to the UK. On the otherhand, when I was in London or Essex, completelywithout thinking about it, I talked about going homeon the 2nd January - meaning back to New York.So which is home? Is it where you live, where youwere born, or where you feel most comfortable?A very interesting question that maybe we’ll returnto at a later date.Anyway, all that serves as a rambling introductioninto a stereotypical view of New Yorkers and thechance to ponder whether it is true or not. AtLiverpool Street it’s hard not to notice the signsasking you not to take it out on the staff. What theymean, of course, is that your frustration at beinginconvenienced yet again should not be directed atthe guys at the barriers. Obviously nobody can condonethe use of physical violence, but what’s theproblem with venting a little verbal anger? Weseem to have reached the stage whereby us poorlittle flowers don’t know how to handle a bit ofconfrontation.Which should be a problem for a delicate Brit inManhattan because New Yorkers are really, reallyrude, right? Everyone knows it - we’ve seen a thousandTV series where a wise-cracking New Yorkeris deliberately and consistently rude to anyone andeveryone. But is it fact or fiction, that’s the question.Well, having lived amongst them for half a year theanswer is very similar to the one posed aboveabout where exactly is home. That is, there areseveral answers. Let me explain.Just as in the UK it seems to be the acceptednorm, as evidenced by the Liverpool Street sign,that you are not supposed to be confrontational orrude to people, the same is true here in the States.In fact, the same is true on steroids. Anyone herewho works in the service industry, and that coversthe ‘would you like fries with that?’ guy atMaccyDees through to someone trying to sell you aFerrari, has been indoctrinated. Don’t forget, mostof us have had such a menial job (MaccyDees Imean, not selling Ferraris) at some point in ourlives so that indoctrination encompasses just abouteveryone.Yes, two or three decades worth of customerfocused education has bred a generation and moreof people who would no more dream of being rudethan they would poke you in the eye with a sharpstick. It goes against all they have been brought upto hold holy.So, born and bred New Yorkers, and there are notas many of those as you might think - most of thepeople here are like me and have migrated fromelsewhere - fall into two categories.There are those under about 40, who have beeneducated to say please, thank you, you’re welcomeand have a nice day, who will not be loud and rudeto you. Then there is the older generation that ismore cynical and assertive. They do not suffer foolsgladly and will tell you in no uncertain terms if youare being foolish. This does come as a bit of ashock to us genteel Brits, but you get used to it andsoon realise that it’s just a way of living that is besthandled by being similarly assertive.So there you have it. New Yorkers are rude, andthen again they’re not. Unless they get behind thewheel of a car, in which case they are all, to a manand woman, rude as a rudeboy in Rudeville.Just like the UK, in fact.Aprolong life. Is this true?The Edge 077 646 797 44 Page 27

WWW.HIDEWORKS.CO.UKCar Interior SpecialistsWE CAN REPAIRTHE FOLLOWING:n Cigarette Burnsn Crackingn Stretchingn Scratchesn Faded ColourOver 10 years experience in all aspects ofleatherwork, inc. bespoke (build) and repairs.Our expertise covers both public, private andcommercial areas. All leatherwork undertakencomes with a 5 year warranty. Automotiveinteriors a speciality. “It’s never damagedbeyond repair unless Hide Words says it is!”HideWORKS“Don’t get it close...GET IT PERFECT”07863 716 244 / 01277 841 587The Friday before Christmas, Lengthy-Boy went to see comedian JerrySadowitz at the Leicester Square Theatre and reckoned he was that goodhe fancied seeing him again. So we met up after work on Friday 4thJanuary and the kind-hearted Length actually drove us up to the capital.Now, I must say, London didn’t appear to have a feeling of: ‘We’re skint.We done all our money over Christmas and the New Year and now we’reabsolutely brassic’. People were out there enjoying themselves as thoughthey’d waited all week for this particular Friday evening, when in reality,the vast majority of the punters had probably only clocked-on for threedays at most.An almost immediate early highlight was kerb-crawling around London’s‘Brown Light Area’ in Soho, trying - unsuccessfully - to find a parkingspace (for free). We passed the Admiral Duncan onceover, before TheLength eventually spotted a bit of a right tight space outside the MaryPoppins (or whatever the pub happened to be called). Now then, to thegays sat inside, checking out my bald head and Chenille scarf and TheLength trying to rear-end his motor (the last three letters on his registrationplate, I kid you not, read ‘PUF’) into a right tight space, well, they musthave though ‘helllooo’ and that we’d soon be joining them for a few halvesof Babycham. However, we were chuckling at our sorry situation far toomuch for that and had to abandon the space in the end as The Lengthdoes drive a bit of a ‘bus’ these days. So it was a case of onwards andinto one of those lovely, cuddly NCP’s for £18 instead.By this time we were both feeling pretty peckish and as we were right nextto Chinatown, it would surely have been rude not to chance our arm. Butwith only 45 minutes to spare before Sadowitz took to the stage, we optedfor a bit of a budget buffet for around £7.80 per person, and hey, it certainlydid the job. Mind you, we definitely reckoned we must have been eatingcat (or quite possibly dog) instead of, erm, chicken.Soon after we left, The Length pointed to another restaurant and said,“That’s where me and Simon (David Blaine - the mate he ‘d previouslyseen Sadowitz with) had a buffet,” (cheap at £6.50 per head) “but it wasshit” (well, what on earth had they honestly expected?).Leicester Square TheatreNow then, The Leicester Square Theatre is a proper little dimly lit, allrouge cutey, with a bar at either side selling overpriced drinks. No soonerhad we taken our seats (although it has to be said we were up and downlike bloody yo-yo’s with our row seemingly having the heaviest traffic tothe bar and pissers of all the rows in the entire auditorium) than Sadowitztook to the stage in a horrible grubby white toweling bathrobe and cheapblonde wig in order to ‘celebrate’ the late (great?) Jimmy Savile for whatmust have been fully 10 minutes, and when you’re firing out the anecdotesas fast as he does, that ends up being a very long time indeed.At this point, you may be forgiven for thinking, ‘What the f.....?’ but then hedoes make you think about things and perhaps, just perhaps, adjust yourmoral compass accordingly.Sadowitz is the same age as me, but my God, hailing from Glasgow, he’sclearly had a much harder life. His sense of humour has actually beendescribed as ‘sick’, but then to The Edge’s mind, that all depends uponjust how tightly your cork is fitted (up your jaxie). As well as being a ‘standup’ (he hates the likes of Ben Elton and Michael McIntyre, but then hehates a whole host of things and other people as well), Sadowitz is alsoreckoned to be one of the greatest close-up magicians in the world andhas written several books about the subject.In 1991, he was actually knocked out cold by a member of the audienceafter he’d walked on stage at the Just For Laughs Comedy Festival inMontreal and announced: “Hello moosefuckers! I hate you lot (see, I toldyou what he was like) because half of you speak French and the other halflet you get away with it.”All I’ll say is that I have a tremendous respect for anyone who dares taketo any stage and Sadowitz makes certain he completely owns it.Page 28 The Edge 01245 348256The Edge 01245 348256

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk Page 29

SPECIAL EDGE TRIBUTE TO THE MAN WITHTHE BEST JOB IN THE WORLD!Page 30He may never wear a belt,which gets right onThe Edge’s tits, but ifever a man epitomised thejob that he does, then it isundoubtedly Sir DavidAttenborough.So afore he croaks,this publication wouldsimply like to say that itSALUTES YOU, sir!TOTALLY TRACIEWALKING OUT THE DOORFor those of you who thoughtFebruary was traditionally themonth of love when Cupid shot hisarrow far and wide, think again, forFebruary is now known as the mostdepressing month of the year forfalling out of love. More peopleseek out a divorce in February thanany other month of the year, mostsaying that they soldiered onthrough Christmas and the NewYear - put up with the in-laws andwore the Christmas jumper withgritted teeth - but with thoughts ofSt. Valentine’s Day fast approaching,when everyone else seems tobe in love but them, it’s the finalpush that makes them seek adivorce. February is the monthwhen solicitors jump up and downwith glee and start eyeing up abrand new car. And February isalso the month when more peoplestart an affair. According to the website‘Illicit Affairs’ (yes, shock horror,there are even websites you canlog on to and find someone to hookup and have an affair with!), theirmembership quadruples in themonth of February.It certainly seems that those unhappyin love take that lingering lookjust one step further and take theplunge in February. Whilst it mayseem exciting at first, sneakingaround and pretending you’re justnipping down the shops for a newspaper,when really your popping outfor a quick fumble and a bit of fun,a far more sobering thought foranyone out there contemplating anaffair is this: less than 1 in 5 relationshipssurvive an affair, and 4 outof 5 people bitterly regret them asmost end up losing their home.The common cause of being foundout surprisingly comes when oneparty tries to end the affair and theother person turns into a ‘bunnyboiler’. So even though your otherhalf may not look that attractivesitting on the couch stuffing the lastof the tin of Quality Street left overfrom Christmas into their mouth -perhaps whilst breaking wind in theprocess - do try and resist the urgeto log on and start that affair. YOUHAVE BEEN WARNED!Personally speaking, I think St.Valentine’s Day is vastly over-rated,but having said that, woe-betideTracie123@aol.com‘The Man’ if he doesn’t pull out allthe stops. Whoever said ‘love doesn’thave to cost a thing’ obviouslynever ventured into the local cardshops and florists around my neckof the woods. I’ve said it before andI’ll say it again: you simply can’thave romance without finance. It’simpossible! Sending a mere card toyour ‘hunny bunny’ is likely to costyou the best part of a fiver.I have campaigned for years tohave St. Valentine’s Day moved tothe middle of the year (I have)because women surely can’t beexpected to squeeze into their sexyunderwear and look all alluringwhen just a few weeks previous itwas Christmas and we were busyploughing our way through a100cwt of sausage rolls and mincepies, for heaven’s sake. And I don’tcare what anyone says, no amountof Gok Wan ‘shapewear’ or lowlighting is going to hide the sparetyre or the lardy arse. So is it reallyany wonder that February is themonth of break-ups and affairs?That St. Valentine has an awful lotto answer for if you ask me!LOOK INTO MY EYESIf you’re unlucky in love, it could allbe down to the colour of your eyes.Apparently men with brown eyesare seen by women as more trustworthyand sexy. But before all youblue eyed boys rush out and reachfor the coloured contact lenses, itmay also be down to your facialshape, as brown eyed men seem tohave happier faces (could it possiblybe from all the attention womenshower on them?). Researchersfrom Charles University took over800 photographs of men’s facesand asked 250 women to ratethem. Overall, brown eyed menwere deemed to be more trustworthy,attractive and sexy than anyother, whilst least attractive by farwere men with wandering eyes.n Another bit of research thatcaught my eye recently was this: ifyou want to be popular, forget buyingpeople drinks and trying tomake them laugh (and I can vouchfor that, ha-ha) because being popularmay already be predeterminedby your genes. Research showsthat individuals who are popularand liked have descendants with avery similar nature. So if you are amiserable so-and-so, then don’tblame yourself - it’s all due to yourdescendants!n Would it surprise you very much ifyou came home one evening to findClare Balding in your kitchen?Perhaps sitting at your kitchen tablesipping coffee and filming a brandnew cookery show? I don’t knowabout you, but I think I’ve seenmore of that bloody woman than Ican stand of late. Is there honestlya programme that she hasn’t presentedor been on in the last fewmonths? I am honestly sick todeath of turning on the TV only tofind her manly features filling thescreen.Enough is enough!

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