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The Edge is sure there’s some sort of computer game called Premiership Manager whereby the players (of the game) pretend tobe Premiership Managers by accosting referees, driving flash cars, chewing a lot of gum and generally wheeling and dealing inthe transfer market with their chairman’s money. Only this publication got to thinking about an entirely different concept of thegame and what’s more, you don’t even need a computer to play it.Basically, it’s working title is ‘Premiership Manager’s Knobs’ (not dissimilar to the movie ‘Bedknobs & Broomsticks’ starringAngela Lansbury and David Tomlinson, only any resemblance stops right there) and it’s a bit like pinning a tail to a donkey’s arse.In short, what you do is rub your chin and try to work out a league table for how ‘well hung’ the current bunch of 20 PremiershipManagers actually are in comparison to their team’s current league position (which is totally immaterial). As an example, here’swhat The Edge thinks, but why not consider it yourself on your next commute up to London, or even discuss it over dinner withfriends at the weekend, rather than merely talking the weather and/or just how much your kids have grown.1. TONY PULIS (Stoke City)2. CHRIS HUGHTON (Norwich City)If this is the size of the ‘Pulis Pecker’then The Edge rests its case.3. ROBERTO MANCINI (Man. City)4. ARSENE WENGER (Arsenal)5. MICHAEL LAUDRUP (Swansea)cIf these are the size of his balls,clearly Chrissie is packing a proper‘hampton’ downstairs.6. BRENDAN ROGERS (Liverpool)7. ALAN PARDEW (Newcastle)Correctamundo!With a ‘Welsh Dragon’ in his pantsBrendan simply can’t walkanywhere without pushing histackle before him in a wheelbarrow.8. MARTIN JOL (Fulham)9. SAM ALLARDYCE (West Ham)10. NIGEL ADKINS (Southampton)11. FERGIE (Manchester United)Well, he’s Dutch after all.And just look at his face.If ever a man was happy with hisown pride’n’joy’ it’s ‘Big MJ’.12. STEVE CLARKE (West Brom)13. PAUL LAMBERT (Aston Villa)This ambitious Scot doesn’t look asthough he’s exactly overjoyed byhis twelfth placed ranking, butThe Edge still reckons there’sa bit of a Loch Ness ‘Monster’beneath his kilt.14. A.V.B. (Tottenham Hotspur)15. DAVID MOYES (Everton)16. ROBERTO MARTINEZ (Wigan)If ever a man (a) looked like he wasmade out of Play-Do and (b) lookedmore like a carpet salesman than afootball club manager, then it hasgot to be Brian McDermott.17. BRIAN McDERMOTT (Reading)18. HARRY REDKNAPP (Q.P.R.)Surely it’d be hard to even findit amongst all that unrulyginger foliage?19. MARTIN O’NEILL (Sunderland)20. FAT SPANISH WAITER (Chelsea)“Fernando? FERNANDO?Have you seen my cock?!”Page 18 The Edge 077 646 797 44
Bird StuffWhether you’re a bird or not, you may well have noticed, over the past fewyears, that handbags appear to be getting bigger and bigger, writes LouiseThomas. No, don’t panic, it’s not just your eyesight that’s getting worse, dueto old age. However, I do think we’re genuinely in the middle of a seriouscrisis and there’s simply no point in denying it, for it appears that we have asevere handbag obesity pandemic on our hands!Of course, every girl knows the golden rule about big bags; that being, thebigger your handbag, the slimmer you look. It’s like some trendy opticalillusion whereby size really does matter. Which is pretty much the samereasoning behind why some girls seem to surround themselves with fatfriends. For some bizarre reason, we women simply like to feel as small aswe possibly can. Maybe we’re all just a little bit psychologically damagedfrom watching Thumbelina too much as a child?Should havegone toWhatever the dispute, we are the experts in conflict resolutionand are here to helpwww.essexmediation.co.ukChelmsford: 01245 492200 Colchester: 01206 767388Harlow: 01279 311431So in true womanly ‘Borrowers’ style, it seems Chanel have created theperfect bag to help make us girls look absolutely miniscule and, believe it ornot, it is based on the shape of a hula-hoop. Yes, I know, it’s just what we’vealways wanted from a handbag and oh so much more!With a circumference that would rival Pat Butchers earrings, you can be surethis bag will make you look absolutely tiny. However, do bear in mind youmight also risk looking a little like a clown on day-release from the circus.But it’s truly so much more than just another handbag. After all, we womenseem to have some kind of innate talent at being able to justify a validreason behind exactly why we absolutely need to own each and every one ofour twenty-odd handbags. But by chance you’re not so well versed in thatparticular area, Chanel have kindly written their own excuse, simply to let usknow why we must have this bag. That’s right, it’s USP (unique selling point)is that you can take it to Southend-on-Sea, or maybe even Clacton or Frintonif you’re feeling a little frisky, stick it in the sand and hang all the rest of yourother crap from it. In fact, I’m not even sure how we’ve ever coped on a daytrip to the beach without one before, if I’m honest!Only the fun doesn’t stop at the beach. Just imagine walking downChelmsford High Street with one slung casually over your shoulder. Gettinginto training for the Hula-Hooping finals at the very next Olympics, are we,ladies?I’m almost 99.9% sure that this shoe had us Essex Girls right at the very heartof it’s design. Ever been on a night-out where you’ve had one too many, begunteetering on your way-too-high heels and, before you know it, onesnaps and you’re face down on the cobbles? Thought so!Unless you have a chivalrous knight in shiningarmour on hand to run off to Tesco with topurchase some superglue (they do exist, onlythey’re a little thin on the ground) then you endup hobbling around on one shoe all night. Soyou’ll doubtless be pleased to hear that someonehas gone to the expense ofre-creating that very moment, and all at amost generous £300 per pair too.How’s that for a bit of drunken Essex Girl chic? !"#$%& #'!( #( #)!* + & ,* Three year old RubyWells getting stuckinto the October’11edition - sent in byher Dad, Simon,who doubtlesssnapped this shotwhilst he wasdriving!----.+,---/00+)+12222!"#$%$ &"'()*+,,,+- ./($01 !012!! PREMIER LEAGUEMATCH BREAKSFROM £79BOOK NOW AT1 Market Road, Chelmsford01245 345 678*Terms and Conditions apply, see in-store for detailsc cFacebook.com/theedgemagazinefacebook.com/theedgemagazineTwitter.com/TheEdgeMagwww.theedgemag.co.uk Page 22Twitter.com/TheEdgeMagPage 19SwhisnanAs mTheThe'shaprogthe sthatthe CIn shrealigangThrobasegangthe lout fGo twwwchapquid‘The'I coI lovOr glet lowithWilli‘JawandhaveMafi‘Theon MagaistylewouPeoI couwhy.I thinBusiI havthe rpresSo hThisthe gjustshau
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