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The Edge Editor’s ColumnNEW YEARBloody New Year.What’s so buggering ‘new’, different or goodabout it?These days and years are just like those circularwooden balls on an abacus frame in so far as atthe end of every year you simply slide all of theballs all the way over to the left-hand side andstart all over a-bloody-gain.“Now that’s MAGIC!”Shut up, Daniels, you short-arsed, big-earedtwat. It soooooooo is NOT.LEMON TREEMrs Edge wants a Lemon Tree as she startseach day with a hot lemon drink (the juice ofhalf a real lemon and hot water). So if any ofyou readers knows where the best place to buyone is, and how best to keep/look after it (like,do you bring it indoors over the winter months?),then I am all Lineker’s.Oh yeah, and what sort of harvest should we expect?NUTRITIONAL VALUEWhat do you reckon the nutritional value of oneof those hot dogs at IKEA must be, hmmmm?ATHLON SPORTThere’s a new bike shop that’s opened up onNavigation Road called Athlon Sport and I overheardsome bloke drooling over it the other day.His words were, and I quote, “It’s like bike pornin there.”RADIOAm I the only person who doesn’t listen tomusic whilst I’m driving?SINA WEIBOI feel right old, I do.I honestly don’t give a f who Sina Weibo is***or what coloured knickers she sometimeswears, or doesn’t wear, as the case may be.But maybe I should care?Maybe I ought to be more interested?I don’t know.How’re you honestly supposed to ‘keep up’these days. A new star is born every minute.PLEBGATEI’ve totally had enough of it. Haven’t you?It simply seems to bedragging on and onand on....And anyway, what’s soevil about being called‘a person of unpolishedmanners’, hmmm?We seem to devoteloads of time and energyto things that simplydon’t matter.EYESIGHTMy bastard eyesight isgetting worse.I spend a lot of timeworking in front of acomputer screen andnow wear glasses100% of the time whendoing so, so it’s theclose-up stuff that Istruggle with.This morning I had ameeting with someoneat Costa Coffee atChelmsford railwaystation (at 7.30am) andI honestly had to keepmoving my head (andthus my eyes) backwards(as in: awayfrom the person) to getthem into focus.Not good.I was always under theimpression that the dayone gives in to a set ofspecs is the day one climbs onto the slipperyslope (as surely from that day forth the eyemuscles simply say, ‘Ah, f it’) and I honestly***believe that to be true.I’m told that prescription glasses are cheap aschips in Goa, where I’m going, but maybe it’sthat operation on your eyeballs that I need now.Trouble is (a) it’s expensive, and (b) I doubt Icould cope with living in darkness for the rest ofmy life if they went and ballsed it up.AFRICAHas David Attenborough got/had the bestjob/career in the world since man learnt how tostand upright, or what?His latest series, Africa (BBC1, Wednesdays,9:00pm) is simply par excellence, although itproper broke my heart to see that mummyelephant’s ickle baby die.I’m not really into animals, or kids, but when theformer die and the latter smile, it seems to dothings to my emotions that I cannot easilycontrol.So people then assume, “Well, if you like watchingstuff like that, why don’t you go on a safariholiday? Maybe to the Ngorongoro Crater?”My answer to that is that the good old BBCstrangely appears to have the ability to show mestuff the likes of which I’ll never be able to seein, to all intents and purposes, a glorified zoo.To my mind, watching Match of the Day is farsuperior to actually being there, watching it live.So you see what I’m saying (sniff)?ODEONThe Chelmsford Odeon aren’t willing to stockcopies of The Edge.Neither are Virgin Active.If you disagree with either stance, you shouldmake your feelings heard. Go on!I’ve no axe to grind with either of them. Thedecision comes from above - as opposed tobeing made at a right local level.But why let out-of-towners decide what’s goodfor you, hmmm?ELEPHANT IN CITY CENTREDid you read the story in the local press aboutthe 21-hands-high stray bull elephant that wenton the rampage through Chelmsford High Streetbefore jumping clean over a single-decker busalong Market Road, eh, readers?“You certainly don’t see that sort of thing everyday out of our showroom window,” said Darren‘Rambo’ Maynard of Bang & Olufsen.But it got worse. It only tried to ‘mount’ a distressedfemale shopper, didn’t it, who had to betaken to hospital in shock.“When you see something the size of that thingcoming towards you, swaying about all over theplace, it really is quite frightening,” she said.Upon her release from Broomfield, she added,“And it’s trunk was quite long too.”MAKING A DIFFERENCEThe Edge - making a difference to people’s livesin Chelmsford and the surrounding areas,whether they admit it or they don’t.Because let’s face it, Chelmsford without itsEdge is a bit like Dover without its, erm, soul.Please God ‘LIKE’ The Edge. Go on...facebook.com/theedgemagazinetwitter.com/TheEdgeMagDO IT NOW! For Christ’s sake, LIKEThe Edge as no bugger else does.c cTHE EDGE Chelmsford CM2 6XD077 646 7 97 44shaun@theedgemag.co.ukPage 4 The Edge 01245 348256