Chelmsford - The Edge Magazine

theEDGEISSUE NO: 203‘THE CHELMSFORD FANZINE’FOR everythingMINI.Cooper Chelmsford01245 895 911SEPTEMBER 2013www.theedgemag.co.uk Telephone 01245 348256 Mobile: 077 646 797 44 shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

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Photo by Matt SadlerBook yourOUTDOORFUNCTIONNOW!‘DRINKAS MUCH ASYOU LIKE’BARS FOR ASETPRICE“THE BUBBLY IS ON US!”www.olivercatering.comEmail: enquiries@olivercatering.comTEL: 01245 451651/OPEN: 5.00am - 6.00pm Monday - Friday7.00am - 2.00pm Saturday 9.00am - 2.00pm SundayChelmsford Railway Station’s LOCAL Coffee Shop!Ray Charles...EAT YER HEART OUT!Out on a Friday jolly in Cambridge on push-bikes from Chelmsford with Lengthy Boy (pleasenote old lady vacating her seat behind cultured pianist due to excruciating racket being made).Good as our city now is, it sure is good to still get out of it every once in a while and despitegetting drenched through to our skins on our cycle ride up there, the sun came out once we’darrived and it was all smiles from there on in. For full story, see page 18.BOOK NOW FOR CHRISTMAS!HOMEDELIVERYNOW AVAILABLEORDER ONLINE AT:www.zenchelmsford.co.ukHome delivery service is available inthe evenings only, within CM1and CM2 postcodesMinimum order valueof £15 applies01245 35389986-87 DUKE STREETCHELMSFORD, ESSEX CM1 1JPwww.zenchelmsford.co.ukThe Edge 077 646 797 44 Page 3

Yeah, yeah, yeah.....you’ve got thyroid trouble.The Edge has heard it allbefore. Excuses, excuses.WHAT THIS PICTURE SAYS TO THE EDGE...Freshly made sandwiches, jacket potatoes, salad boxes,homemade soups, cakes & much much more!Duke Street. Tel: 01245 499114“CYCLEPOINT CHELMSFORD IS DEFINITELY PROGRESS.”The face of Chelmsford is changing for the better and one immediate huge improvement that’shappened already is the introduction of CyclePoint opposite Chelmsford City Railway Station.Prior to this, having somewhere to safely park your bicycle was all a bit of an afterthought, butwhat we’ve got now is proper and recognisable and The Edge is well impressed.What’s more, if you’ve got a particularly expensive bike and what you see above still isn’t convincingyou, for around 50p per day you can actually have fingerprint access into the CyclePointbuilding and your pedal-powered machine will be guaranteed safe as houses.The government have actually set aside £62m to make travelling on two wheels more attractivefor people throughout England and as a cyclist itself, that’s something The Edge can onlyapplaud. For far too long cyclists have been expected to lock their chosen mode of transport tothe nearest vacant pole, or perhaps around the back of the station where the dustbins are, butwhat we now see is cycling storage truly befitting the 21st century.What’s more, you can also have your bicycle serviced at CyclePoint whilst you’re at work inLondon, or even hire a bike from them too.It's all incredibly impressive and a huge step in the right direction.www.cyclesuk.com Tel: 01245 261307 chelmsford.cyclepoint@cyclesuk.comPUB PROGRESS???Looks as though theRailway Tavern in DukeStreet is having one hellof an extension put onthe back of it if thesecranes are anythingto go by?DOORS - DOORS - DOORS‘Cheerful Bob’ & Bros. inc. ‘Serious Chris’& ‘Forgetful Dave’ - ‘all Alive & Fitting!”Family Business Est. 1979Internal/External, Hardwood/Softwood,Stairs & Spindles a speciality.LOVELY LEK’S LADIESJust a little plug for the lovely ladies ofLek’s Thai Food Stall at Chelmsford Marketwho it’s always a pleasure to see and whoconsistantly produce quality tucker.If you sit outside and face the park and thesun’s shining you could almost be in....OK, so maybe that’s pushing it. But welldone all the same to Pim, Emmy and Tiu.Visit our door stall on Saturday’s at Chelmsford Marketwww.bobsdoors.co.ukbob@bobsdoors.co.ukT. 01245 361201 M. 0777 893 8920Page 6shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

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visit us at our showroom or online40 New Street, Chelmsford, Essex, CM1 1PH01245 299331www.spaziodesign.co.ukwww.spazio-online.co.ukwww.theedgemag.co.uk Page 9

FYNE DINEWITHWINETwo or three course set menuand a glass of wine for£12.95 / £14.95Choose any mouth-watering main course from our Fyne Dine set menuincluding our famous moules marinières, whole grilled plaice, or ourAberdeen angus char-grilled burger, with a side dish and either a starter or a dessertor both for either £12.95 or £14.95Available Monday - Friday12pm - 7pmGung-Ging, Marin & Nook-NickThis restaurant will never takeoff as it’s in the wrong locationand the food’s too good!Do you remember the Lanthai restaurant that used to reside at ImperialHouse in Victoria Road, readers? Next to Back Inn Time and just a shortwalk from the train station?Well, in exactly the same place now proudly stands the all new Marin’srestaurant, named after Marin Chumni, the lady who today owns and runsit. Previously Marin used to prepare and serve food at both Lanthai andLanthong (Baddow Road) and such is her passion for food, service and a‘feel good’ restaurant factor that it has always been her dream to one dayopen up a restaurant all of her very own.Fortunately Marin is most ably supported by a Thai chef and wife combopackage behind the scenes in the kitchen and some lovely Thai front ofhouse girls who all smile like there’s no tomorrow, plus, upon occasion, hervery own three daughters too.Mrs Edge and I absolutely adore Thai food, so we ventured down toMarin’s the other Saturday evening, after a couple of liveners at The AleHouse, and I couldn’t believe that I also had a choice of a few bottled realales too - not to mention Thai beers and some really rather reasonablypriced wine.We started with Thai Dumplings (£4.75) and a delicious hot and sour TomKha soup (£4.50) served with a choice of either chicken, prawn or vegetables.Without doubt the flavours really do hit you in the back of the throat.For our mains we shared a traditional Thai Green Curry with chicken(£7.25) - which we could pretty much eat until it comes out of our ears -plus Deep Fried Red Snapper with chilli, Thai herbs and basil (£11.75).However, we couldn’t even finish it all, so we opted to take our remainshome in a doggy bag and heat them up the following day!The taste of well cooked Thai food is always so clean and exciting; it’s aproper treat for the tastebuds. And hey, our bill actually came to less thanforty quid, so a trip to Marin’s needn’t break the bank.“This restaurant is my baby,” says Marin. “I’ve waited so long to have myvery own restaurant that I’m determined to get it right and make sure thatall of my customers enjoy a wonderful dinning experience.”The Edge is already convinced, readers....so let us know whether you giveMarin’s the thumb’s up or not too?Tel: 01245 290600 www.marins-restaurant.co.ukLoch Fyne Chelmsford109-111 Bond Street, Chelmsford, Essex, CM1 1GDTel: 01245 293620 chelmsford@lochfyne.netBAR 1NOW TAKING BOOKINGS FOR CHRISTMASOffice Parties WelcomeChristmas Party Lunch Menu2 courses £15.50 inc coffee/tea3 courses £18.50 inc coffee/teChristmas Party Evening Menu3 courses* £24.95*includes disco entertainment Basement Club BarChampagne Breakfast £10ppFULL ENGLISH/VEGETARIAN BREAKFAST ,Glass Champers, orange juice, tea or coffeeCHRISTMAS DAY3 COURSES £45pp (children under 12 half price)1 Exchange Way, Chelmsford, CM1 1XB.Tel: 01245 505880www.bar1chelmsford.co.ukemail: info@bar1chelmsford.co.ukBAR 1www.theedgemag.co.uk Page 11

Beat this for a view!2(# ,$ 00#5 ,), /+" /'5 ,3#/ 1&# 4##(#+" ,$Remember that TV programme Britain’s Greatest View, readers? And afteran eventual viewers vote, didn’t somewhere in the Lake District win, andperhaps quite rightly so?But what about this for a view (above), eh? This from a cafe garden atCorfe Castle in Dorset with the ruins of the castle in the background.Not bad, eh?Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know The Edge is always going on about it’s numeroustrips to Dorset (see also page 28 this month), but seeing this, surelyyou can understand why?Upon returning from a long-weekend on the Purbeck Isle recently, TheEdge found itself in our very own City Centre in desperate need of a brew,and oh, looking across at Yates’ Wine Bar from Costa was seriously notdoing it for me.Yes, there’s Paper Mill Lock at the foot of Little Baddow hill that I sometimestry to force myself to cycle up....but little compares to Corfe.We are just a short 50 metres walk from The County Hotelwww.theedgemag.co.uk Page 13

Keep The ChangeHere’s that thieving Irish bellend Dermot O’Leary - sorry, Michael O’Leary -of Ryanair and the latest news is that staff have been ordered to furtherincrease the company’s profits by avoiding giving change back to customerswho have purchased some overpriced rubbish from their orangefaced Trolley Dolly’s and, erm, Trolly David’s.Cabin crew are apparently being actively encouraged to ‘keep the passenger’schange’ via notes discovered in a training document supplied by acompany called Retail in Motion.“Sorry, I’ve got no change,” is just one of the (obvious) ways to pocket thedifference when customers are purchasing an already overpriced smallcan of beer or miniscule bottle of wine for something ridiculous like sixquid, particularly when you’ve just handed over a tenner.Ryanair boss O’Leary is renowned for his mile-high screwing, sorry, revenueenhancing ideas that always aim to increase turnover and/or lowercosts.Just the other month, Ryanair ordered its pilots to fly more slowly in a bidto save fuel, demanding all aircraft stick to a 600mph maximum limit. Themove is aimed at reducing the budget airline’s fuel bill by 15%, with executivesinsisting that it will have no impact on safety.The buggers will be charging us to use their bloody loos next.Hair & Beauty NEW OFFERS FOR SEPT.WASH, CUT & BLOW DRY£20HIGHLIGHTS/COLOUR£25KERATIN BRAZILIAN BLOWDRY £70ACRYLIC & GEL NAILS from £19SHELLAC£20FACIAL, MASSAGE & PEDICURE £30TEETH WHITENING£7940% OFF Dermalogica Products - selected items only!THESE OFFERS END ON SATURDAY 28th SEPT!These offers are not available in conjunction with any other Beauty Plus offers.Appointments are preferred but walk-in service also available.For bookings and more details, please see us atwww.facebook.com/beautypluschelmsford8 Market Road, High Chelmer(opposite County Hall & library),Chelmsford, Essex, CM1 1XA.TELEPHONE 01245 690309www.theedgemag.co.uk Page 15

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ROUND TOWERare brewing a beer especially forour festival!THURS. 5th - SUNDAY 8th SEPT.40+ REAL ALES + CIDERS & PERRYSFOOD AVAILABLE @ EVERY SESSION‘LIVE’ MUSIC EVERY EVENING£3 REFUNDABLE GLASS DEPOSITFREE ADMISSIONT H E W O O L P A C KMildmay Road, Chelmsford. Tel: 01245 259295Chelmsford - Cambridge CycleAfter a period adrift, Ye Olde EdgeEditor and Lengthy Boy decided torekindle their ultra homme loveaffair by cycling to Cambridge andthen getting out on the lash.We left Chelmsford at 7:15am onFriday 2nd August. The previousday had been an absolute scorcher,but little did we know what we werein for.We each had a set of rough directions.Originally we were going topick up a cycle route out the backof Writtle Agricultural College thatsupposedly takes you all the way toour chosen destination, but afterlooking at a map, yours truly suggestedwe headed out to ChignalSmealy, Mashbury and High Easterfor starters, so that’s exactly whatwe did. But we hadn’t been pedalingfor very long when we bothcommented, “Bloody hell, this ismuch harder going with a set offully loaded panniers” (my own particularset purchased from the cyclestall on Chelmsford Market).We ended up at Leaden Rodingand commented, “What’re we doinghere?” So it was then a straightchoice between taking the A1060 toHatfield Heath or the B184 to GreatDunmow. We took the latter as I’dalways fancied breakfast or brunchat Scrumptious...Praying for the rain to stop inThaxted GuildhallLengthy Boy had booked us into abudget accommodation place rightnext to Cambridge railway stationcalled Roomz and I wish I’d taken aNay truckin’ fubble!photograph of our particular roombecause for £67.50 for the night wegot a set of bunk-beds, a sink, atoilet and a shower, all crammedinto a space not much bigger thaneight foot square!Great DunmowTraffic Warden hasa right result bookingEdge two-wheeler forparking on double-yellowlines whilst having a spotof brunch in the excellentScrumptiousTearoomsDefinitely a tearooms worthvisiting is Scrumptious inGreat DunmowTell you what, readers, our poachedeggs, bacon and mushrooms onwholemeal toast, washed downwith fresh mint tea and soya lattecoffee was absolutely spot on.But it was whilst we were filling ourboots that we (a) spotted a fellowcyclist in Dunmow who was puttingus to shame as he was on his sixthday of an Edinburgh-London jaunt,and (b) the heavens absolutelyopened and we had no waterproofclothing whatsoever!You cannna let a bitta rain put aspanna in yer spokes though, soonward we continued, up throughThaxted and Saffron Walden, andto be honest it didn’t seem asthough it was very long before wewere on the outskirts of Cambridge.I’ve done a fair few 60-mile ridesfor charidee in the past, plus theNorwich 100, whilst the most I’veever covered in a day - on noblytyres to boot - is one hundred andthirty miles, so really, this was just abit of a trip to the corner shop!Hardly 5-star!Then we both showered (but honestly,not together) in about half-anhourflat before we were back outon our bikes and eagerly cycling topub no: 1 of the day at around2:00pm. With the afternoon skynow thankfully bright blue and thesun fortunately shining brightly, thiswas now turning out nicely intowhat cheeky Friday’s off work aretruly all about.Fact is, Cambridge is designed tobe cycled and we managed to takein a fair old number of pubs overthe next, oh, 10 hours, starting atThe Eagle and finishing our nightsat out the back of The CambridgeBlue, before eventually having asurprisingly comfortable and decentnights kip back at Roomz.Then we were up bright and earlythe next morning at about 7:00am -hangovers inc. of course - and backinto the previous days sweaty,stinky cycling gear and over tocatch the 7.40am train to StanstedAirport before cycling back home toChelmsford from there.Try it, readers. You’ll love it!Page 18 The Edge 077 646 797 44

AVR (Advanced Vehicle Repairs)is a state of the art vehiclebodyshop operating on anextremely quick turnaround basis,right here in the City ofChelmsford.AVR can carry out any repair yourequire, from the smallest bumperscuff to a full re-spray with theirspraybooth oven using the verylatest technology.AVR’s aim is to always save theircustomers need to claim for suchrepairs on their insurance as thiswill naturally automatically loadtheir premiums for years to come.Therefore it is always AVR’s aim toState of the Artkeep their repair bill as much in linewith what the excess payment forthe repair might have been, thussafe-guarding on the rising cost ofinsurance renewals.• Insurance Repairs• Smart Repairs• Paintless Dent Repairs• Lease Vehicle Repatriation• Alloy Wheel Refurbishments –Diamond Cut Specialists• Valeting & Detailing Service• Non-Fault Accident RepairsTrust the specialists!Advanced Vehicle Repairs Unit 8, Suffolk Drive, Dukes Park Industrial Estate,Chelmsford, Essex, CM2 6UN.Tel: 01245 468400 Mobile: 07811 399494Email: dale@advancedvehiclerepairs.co.ukwww.theedgemag.co.uk Page 19

‘Fatberg’ size of a busDid you read about the fatbergfound in a London sewer recently,readers?It was a lump of fat the size of adouble-decker bus.The fatberg - described as 15tonnes of festering food - wasfound blocking pipes underKingston upon Thames, southwestLondon.The blockage was so critical that itthreatened to blast untreatedsewage through manhole coversonto the streets.Hmmmmmm, a fatberg? That’s gotThe Edge thinking, that has.Now who does it know who mostresembles a fatberg? And whoalso resembles the back end of abus?LOST DOG£1,000 REWARD!Have you seen this mutt, readers?It’s called Perno and it is the muchloved German Spitz: Klein pet of ayoung Edge reader called GemmaHooker who is heartbroken.Perno was stolen from BorehamBoot Fayre on Sunday 28th July.The ickle fur-ball is just 6 years oldand has a scar on her tummy aftera recent operation to remove gallbladderstones. As a consequence,Perno is on a special feed diet. Ifshe is not found soon, she couldfall critically ill once again.She’s a clever dog who knows hername and will definitely respond toit, so if you see a dog like her,please do shout “PERNO” to gaugeits reaction.This dog is a member of the familyand as such there is £1000 rewardfor her safe return.Perno is being missed terribly.If you have any information whatsoever,please contact07856218919MARKET ROAD, CHELMSFORDEdge reader Anthony Rogers says, “My wife saysthat this part of Chelmsford reminds her ofCommunist Russia without the Lada cars....andshe was actually born in Communist Russia!”FREEpre-schoolplaces stillavailable# Tel: 01245 905 805www.webwax.co.ukwww.twitter/ twitter/webwaxdesignwww.facebook. ebook.com/webwaxdesign26 Broomfield Road, Chelmsford, Essex CM1 1SWPage 20 The Edge 077 646 797 44

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ONLYJOKING!Shirt PocketTwo drunks are sitting in a bar and one startscrying. The other one asks, "What's wrong?""Look at me?” says his mate. “I've puked allover myself again and the wife said she'd leaveme if I ever got into this state again."So the other drunk says, "Don’t worry. It's simple.Put a £10 note in your shirt pocket and tellyour wife that some drunk puked all over youand gave you £10 to have your shirt cleaned."The other drunk says, "Hey, that's brilliant, isthat. I'll try that tonight."When he gets home, sure enough, his wife isfurious and begins yelling at him about hisclothes and how disgusting she thinks he is.So the drunk starts spinning his newfound lineand says, "Look in my shirt pocket and see foryourself if you don’t believe me. There's the £10the drunkard gave me."Only his wife looks in his shirt pocket and findstwo tenners. "Wait a minute,” she says, “Ithought you said the bloke only gave you £10for puking over your shirt?""Well, he did," said her husband. "Only I’ve justremembered he rounded it up to a score forshitting in my pants as well."I Feel Like Chicken TonightLast night I was sitting on the sofa watching TVwhen I heard my wife's voice calling from thekitchen. “What do you want for dinner, my love,”she cooed, “...chicken, beef or lamb?”“Chicken would be lovely,” I called back.“Not you, you fat bastard,” she shouted back.Apparently she was talking to the cat.Sexual AssaultA woman walked into a Police Station and thedesk Sergeant on duty said, "Can I help you,madam?""Yes," she said. "I'd like to report a case of sexualassault.""Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked."In the park just down the road," she replied."And can you describe what happened?""Yes. I was walking along the footpath, near thetrees, when a man jumped out of the bushesand dragged me in, removed my underwear,dropped his pants and had his wicked way withme.""Could you describe him?" asked the Sergeant."Yes. He was wearing white shoes, long whitetrousers, a white shirt, a cap and he had two biglong pads from his feet right the way up to andover his knees, one on each leg.""Hmmmmmm,” pondered the Sergeant, “itsounds to me like he was a cricketer. A batsman,perhaps.”"Yes," cried the lady, "yes, that’s it. He was anAustralian batsman!""Well that's very observant of you all of as sudden,"said the Sergeant. "But how can you possiblybe so sure?”The woman replied, "Well, because he wasn't infor very long."Bum Bum, Basil. Bum Bum.4:00AMThe wife staggered through the front door at4:00am the other morning, hair all over theplace, both hands holding her crotch.“Jane, where’ve you been? Whoa, what the feckhappened to you?” I said.“Black guy...huge cock...in the park,” she stammered,shaking uncontrollably from head to foot.I reached for the ’phone. “Do you think youcould identify him?” I asked whilst dialling 999.“I should bloody hope so,” she gasped. “We’vearranged to meet again on Friday.”25%In a recent study, 25% of British toddlers knowhow to use an iPad, whilst 95% of Chinese toddlersknow how to make one.Karma SutraThere’s a new position that’s just been added tothe Karma Sutra called The Plumber wherebyboth of you stay in all day, but no-one comes.Erection ContestRecently I entered an Erection Contest, but Ionly got through to the semi’s.Leg-OverI think I might be getting my leg-over tonight.There’s rose petals on the bed, romantic musicplaying in the background. But what’s reallygiving the game away is the way my 18-stonecell-mate is continually winking at me whilstfondling his groin.Prostate ExaminationAfter a prostrate examination, the doctor left.Then the nurse returned and whispered thethree words that no man on earth ever wants tohear: “Who was that?”G-SpotFinally found the missus’ G-Spot.Tut, who would have figured that her youngersister had it all this time?Artificial Insemination For SheepA blonde city girl married a sheep farmer.One morning, on his way out to check on hisflock, the farmer says to his wife, “The inseminationfella is coming over to impregnate one ofour ewes today, so I drove a nail into the railabove its stall in the barn. Show him which oneit is when he gets here, will you?”After a while, the insemination chap arrives andthe farmer's wife leads him to the barn. Thenthey walk along the row of sheep and when shesees the nail, she says, “This is the one.”Terribly impressed by what he at first appearedto think might just be yet another ditzy blonde,the guy asks, “How did you know which ewe isto be inseminated?”“That's simple,” she says confidently. “By thenail over its stall.”“But what’s the nail for?” asks The Inseminator?The blonde replies, “Well, I can only assume it'sto hang your pants on whilst you’re sorting thepoor animal out.”Accusatory WifeA wife says to her husband, “You only want sexwhen you’re drunk.”“No I don’t,” he says, thinking about what he’sso wrongly being accused of, and adding...“Sometimes I want a kebab.”Memory StickI recently bought the missus a memory stick.It’s great and it works too.She honestly hasn’t forgotten to bring me mydinner, a beer or the ’paper since I first startedbeating her with it.Oral Sex5,000 men were asked to complete a survey ofwhat they liked best about oral sex.3% liked the warmth4% enjoyed the sensation93% enjoyed the silenceDrastic ActionAfter almost 5 years of regular hospital visits,tests and wanking into test-tubes etc., my wifeand I are unfortunately no nearer to having achild.So we have decided we’re going to take drasticaction. We’re actually going to have a shag.ImmigrationI complained to my local MP about immigration.“My brother and his wife were kidnapped bySomalian pirates!” I told him.“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that,” he said, “although Idon’t see how you can blame that on our immigrationpolicy.”“Really?” I retorted. “They were on Basildonfecking boating lake at the time.”Polo StickMy friends think I’m gay for buying a polo stick.Maybe I am, but I think it’s still fecking wellimpressive that I can fit it half-way up my arse.Senile DementiaI was told by my Doctor that I have seniledementia, so I’ve booked an appointment to seemy Doctor about it.LillianSometimes, when I look at my children, I say tomyself, “Lillian, you should have used someform of contraception.”RoseI had a rose named after me, only I wasn’t tooimpressed when I read of its description: ‘Notgood in bed, but fine against a wall.’SermonThe secret of a decent sermon is to have agood beginning, a good ending, and preferablythe two as close together as possible.SymptomsAn Irish man goes to see his Doctor who askshim to describe the symptoms of his illness.He says, "Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastardand Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."Love that one cos it’s so daft!TwinsA mate of mine has just told me he's shagginghis girlfriend and her twin.I said, "But how can you tell them apart?"He said, "Her brother's got a moustache."Breast FeedingA bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeouswoman sat next to him and started breast feedingher little baby. Only the baby wouldn't acceptthe milk, so she said, "Come on, drink it all up,or I'll give it to this nice man sat next to us."Ten minutes later and the baby’s still not feeding,so she says once again, "Drink it all up orI'll give it to this nice man sat next to us."So the bloke says, "Listen, love, can you makeyour bloody mind up because I should have gottenoff three ruddy stops ago already!"All jokes published are supplied by Edge readers. Please send your ‘egg yokes’ to shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

Fifty Shades of Grey- the poem -(from a husband’s pointof view)The missus bought a paperback,down Shepton Mallet way.I had a peek inside her bag,t’was Fifty Shades of Grey.Well I just left her to it,at ten I went to bed.But after an hour she appeared;t’was a sight that filled me withdread.In her left hand she held a rope,and in her right a bloody whip!Then she threw them down uponthe floor, and slowly began to strip.Well fifty years or so ago,I might have had a peek.But Mabel hasn't weathered well,She's eighty four next week!Fish that eats your testicleson loose in River CamA South American fish well known for attacking men in their testicles hasbeen caught in the River Cam by local pike fisherman Nobby Clark.Nobby landed an 21cm (8”) pacu - a relative of the piranha - that is mostcommonly found in the Amazon region.“What the ’ell it was doing in the Cam I ’ave no idea,” said Nobby, lifting uphis cap and scratching his head.The freshwater fish, which can grow up to 90cm (35”) and weigh up to25kg (55lb) has been nicknamed ‘the woman’ for it’s frequent attacks onthe male genitalia.“I wouldn’t want one anywherenear any cobblers of mine,”admitted Nobby.The pacu is not normally dangerousto humans, but it does havequite a serious bite. There havebeen certain instances in PapuaNew Guinea where some menhave had their testicles bittenclean off.“That’s not good,” says Nobby.“Not good at all.”RED ARROWSare the tits!When The Edge Crew were last inSwanage (see page 28) their weeklong annual Carnival was on andon the Saturday, late in the afternoon,the Red Arrows flew over.Aren’t they just a right proper sightto behold, readers?It’s so easy to go, “Yeah, yeah,yeah, the Red Arrows are sooooolast year”....but they’re absolutelybloody brilliant all the same.I just love their red, white and bluetail smoke; it’s so patriotic. Wish Icould get some of that to chuff outof The Edgemobile’s exhaust-pipesinstead of great big bloody cloudsof diesely soot.People involuntarily coo and go“oooooooh” whenever the RedArrows are about, just like theyused to do Linda Lusardi, andthere’s just an all round feel goodfactor about the whole sh’bang.Clearly the Red Arrows are the tits.CONTENTMENT IS...A HUGE SET OF BALLS!shaun@theedgemag.co.uk Page 23

EROTICFantasy14 Broomfield Road, Chelmsford.TEL. 01245 28 33 00FURTHERREDUCTIONSOFF DVD’sTHROUGHOUTSEPTEMBERONLY!10% OFF HERBAL VIAGRA FOREDGE READERS ONLY!Licensed Sex Shop1000’s of DVD’s from under £10Largest range of Herbal Viagra in the areaAll the latest Adult Toys in stockLingeriePVCRubberEverything (and MORE) for fun loving singles/couplesOpen ’til 7:00pmJust 1 minutes walk from both Chelmsford Bus & Rail stationsEstablished in Chelmsford for the past 20 yearsKnowledgeable, discreet, friendly staff.Paul Hollywood at the Festival of Food & Drinkat Cressing Temple BarnsThis is as close as Mrs Edge got to the breadmaker that is scouser PaulHollywood (was he really christened Hollywood?) and yes, readers, she’sthe one who looks as though she’s had a few free sherry samples toomany behind the blue-eyed dough-boy-made-good.“He was very amusing and very informative (hic),” the wife assured me.“And despite the fact he drives a lovely Aston Martin and is often on thetelly, he says he honestly can’t believe how a humble Liverpool baker isnow supposedly a celebrity.”Local turkey plucker Paul Kelly was there too, apparently (well, it says hewas in the programme, only I’m not sure if the missus would have recognisedhim) and all in all it sounds as though it would have been well wortha visit....so The Edge just might go itself next year.Speaking of which, look at The Edge promoting the Essex Chronicle (fort’was their event, readers)? Thing is, you don’t see them reciprocating verymuch, do you? Tut-tut Chronicle.EDGE DVD REVIEWTo say it’s only a few months/editions ago that your editor confessed tonever even having heard of Ryan Gosling, the bugger has now quicklybecome one of my favourite actors, despite having a chin reminiscent ofthat of Peter Perfect in the Wacky Races.Loved Gosling’s performance in Gangster Squad. He’s got a touch of theMicky Rourke’s about him (in the latters younger years, of course).In this flick he plays Luke, a fairground motorcycle stunt rider (hence all ofhis tats) who’s desperately trying to get it back on with his former lover (thegorgeous Eva Mendes) who has secretly given birth to his son.When he finds out, our man quits the carnival, not really knowing how heis supposed to provide for them. Only then he hooks up with a guy whooffers him a little work and convinces him that his motor bike ridingprowess might come in handy robbing banks!The stakes then rise as Luke is tracked by ambitious police officer AveryCross (Bradley Cooper) after one of his bungled heists, the consequencesof which will have devastating consequences for their respective familiesthroughout the rest of their lives.If not a game of two halves, this is very much a movie of two halves, and Iloved it. In fact, it’s one of the best flicks I’ve seen in a long time, which iswhy The Edge has chosen to recommend it to you this month.But make sure you hire out Gangster Squad whilst you’re at it!All EDGE DVD’s are hired from BLOCKBUSTER in Spingfield RoadPage 24 The Edge 01245 348256

LUNCH SERVED 12 - 2.30pmDINNER 6pm - 11.00pm‘ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFET’ SEPTEMBER OFFER:FREE Half-Pint Draught Beer* with £4.80ppBuffet Lunch * or SOFT DRINK alternativeOR FREE Pint Draught Beer* with £9.20ppBuffet Dinner ONLY with this theEDGE voucher!Terms & Conditions: This offer is not valid in conjunction with any other promotional offers. Only ONE VOUCHER required per table.WE ARE HERE!(Above William Hill Bookmakers)ODEONCINEMABADDOW ROADMeadowsCar Park1st Floor, 11-15 Baddow Road,Chelmsford, CM2 0BX.TEL: 01245 250759 / 600022OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEKCash Payments Only - NO CARDS!Lee & the team welcome you to the newly refurbished,award winning Wheatsheaf in New Street, Chelmsford!OURCITY’SNo. 1 VENUEFOR ‘LIVE’SPORT!Sun 1Sun 1Sat 14Sun 15Mon 16Sat 21Sun 22Sun 22Sat 28Sun 29Sun 29Mon 30Live onin SeptemberLiverpool v Manchester Utd.Arsenal v Tottenham HotspurEverton v ChelseaSouthampton v West HamSwansea v LiverpoolChelsea v FulhamArsenal v Stoke CityMan. City v Man. Utd.Swansea v ArsenalStoke City v Norwich CitySunderland v LiverpoolEverton v Newcastle United1.30pm4.00pm5.30pm4.00pm8.00pm5.30pm1.30pm4.00pm5.30pm1.30pm4.00pm8.00pmn Food served every day from 12-noon featuringDaily Specials, the Pizza Club (served ’til 10pm) +new autum menu and ‘live sport meal deal’ menun 3 real ales including our weekly guest alen new & improved wine/drinks menun excelents selection of draught beers, bottledbeers and ciders.n 4 fully refurbished pool tablesn all televised football, rugby, golf, horse racing,boxing, cricket etc,etc,etc!n nostalgia jukeboxlive boxingsaturday 28th septemberdavid haye v tyson furylive coverage from 8pmsaturday 23rd novembercarl froch v george groveslive covergage from 8pmall sporting events shown on 8 tv's, 2 tv booths andour sheltered patio garden tv.The WhaetsheafT. 01245 354342Twitter : thewheatypub chelmsfordFacebook : wheatsheaf chelmsfordshaun@theedgemag.co.uk Page 25

ONE YEAR ONThis monthly missive has been winging its wayacross the Atlantic for over a year now. My timehere has gone very quickly, and it has to be said,I count myself extremely lucky to have had theopportunity to experience actually living in thiswonderful place. It is - and this is a personalopinion - one of the two best cities in the world;the other being London. Oh, and fortunately Ilived there too. If I believed in a God I’d bethanking her very much for being such alucky bugger.Most of these columns have tried to record areasof life that I’ve noticed are different between hereand Blighty. This one is no exception, with anobservation or two tucked away somewhere, butit’s also a reflection on the past 12 months inslightly more personal terms.All this introspective reflection was brought on bya realisation that I now belong here. You knowyou’ve really settled in for the long term whenpeople in the local shops and bars know yourname and you know theirs. People that don’t livein proper cities - and I’m sorry, but whatever youwant to call it, Chelmsford isn’t one - tend tothink that everyone is a lonely stranger to oneanother in places such as New York and London.That’s partly true and most of us who live incities like it that way, or we wouldn’t be in them.But on the other hand there’s a part of thehuman psyche that demands a sense of home.A part of that is where you lay your head eachnight. The physical building soon becomes homewherever you are because it has your stuff in it.But people come into it too - the lyrics to thetheme tune of the 80s programme Cheers went“sometimes you want to go where everyoneknows your name”. That’s very true, but there isa rider to that. You don’t necessarily want to befriends in any sort of meaningful way with all ofthose people, it’s just good to have anchors togive you a sense of belonging to somewhere orsomething.Other indications that you’re a proper residentcome when you start to get things in the mail tosay your annual contents insurance is about toexpire. Or would you like to renew your lease foranother year as you’re such a valued tenant.Then the TV you bought packs up one weekafter the warranty expires.And junk mail…..Boy, those boys are good at it. It didn’t take verylong at all for them to get my number. I’d beenhere but two months before my first unsolicitedinvitation to take out a credit card arrived. A yearon, and they roll in at about two a week, alongwith offers for dodgy magazine subscriptions,personally addressed Pizza Parlour specialoffers, cheap gym memberships - in fact, exactlythe same as in the UK.At this advanced age I’m not about to acquire anAmerican accent any time soon - the Essex oneis there to stay - but you do find yourself deliberatelypronouncing certain words the way thelocals do, just to make yourself understood. Inthe deli at lunchtime, for example, you get usedto reeling it all off the way they do on the movies.“I’d like roast beef, Swiss, lettuce, tomato andlettuce with mayo on a roll”. But it’s tomayto youask for, not tomarto. Most of the guys constructing(word used advisedly) your sandwich arefrom south of the border and English is very definitelya second language to them. If you askedfor tomarto, heaven only knows what you’d get,but it wouldn’t be round and red.Other examples of words I now deliberately mispronounceinclude my own name. Apparently it isWarrrrd. If you don’t roll the ‘r’ properly it getswritten as Wired. Then in a bar or restaurant, ifyou want a glass of red and ask for CabernetSauvignon, they’ll look at you as if you have twoheads. A simple Cab-ber-nay or alternativelyMer-low, depending on taste, gets you what youwant.You do feel distinctly self conscious for a whilesaying these words in a way that is odd for aBrit, but it soon becomes OK in your own headto say tomayto, simply when you’ve done it anumber of times and got used to it.The final proof to myself that I am, at least fornow, a New Yorker is that I’ve started to utter aparticular phrase with increasing regularity. Yes,time and time again I’ve used the immortalwords that single you out as a resident.“Bloody tourists”./ /The Edge 077 646 797 44 Page 27

You simply can’t beat being in a field with a whole load of otherlike-minded souls drinking in both the views and the gin-and-tonics!CARRY ON CAMPING!It seems to The Edge that the vastmajority of people who seeminglyDON’T like camping have never everbloody well been.“Oooooh, there must be bugs and stuff.”Not really, Mildred, no.Fingers crossed, by the time you readthis, The Official Edge Camping Crew(see above) will have just returned froma long three-night August Bank Holidayweekend in Salcombe, Devon, which issomewhere none of us have even beenbefore, although it comes highly recommended(even though it does sound atrifle posh by our standards).Ah, but will it be able to trump TheEdge’s beloved Dorset and the JurassicCoastal areas in particular?Remember kids, do as yourUncle ‘Ginger’ Tom does andalways apply plenty of sun tanlotion before venturing out!For our latest end-of-July jaunt we leftChelmsford at just after 5:00am, made aquick pit-stop at Winchester Services fora slash and a Costa, but pretty mucharrived at our chosen destination just alittle after 8:00am.....so that by the timeour tent was up and our very first G&Tsof the day had been poured (see above)it must have been all of, oooh, 9.30am,around about the time when the farmercame calling to collect his money (£50all-in for all 4 of us for 2 nights - nowthee can’t say fairer than that).One of my favoured camping pastimesis actually ogling all the ladies goingdown to take a shower of a morning(they’re often in a complete state of disarraywith not a bra to cover their modestybetween them) and also looking atother people’s tents.The Edge Crew’s tent is a jointly ownedaffair with The Fuckwit’s, but we’re actuallyin the market for a new one and (getthis) have our beady eyes firmly fixed onan Outwell Michigan L (oh yeah, baby).The benefit this will give us over our currentsomewhat dated - but beloved -Vango affair is an added porch.Now then, readers, due to the somewhatunpredictable weather in Blighty, it isactually nice to be sat inside a porch, allnice and dry, watching the rain (yet stillhaving a view) as opposed to beingcooked up inside a tent with nowt buteach other to look at when it’s pouringdown. Whatever the weather, views, bytheir very nature, need to be, well,viewed....so a porch is now a must.Another of yours truly’s favoured pastimesis the observing of different animalsfaeces whilst undertaking a briskcoastal yomp. Now pray, how is it thatboth horses and sheep manage to donice, acceptable dumps, almost coatedin leather, whereas a cow’s is often justa hideous mess with half of it still cakedall over its very own backside?Readers, you have but one month left(probably) to sample the joys of camping,so jolly well jump to it!Sheep dung.Cow shit.Page 28 The Edge 01245 348256

SAY ‘HELLO’ TO A STRANGER....As regular readers of this column will know, I oftenshare my varied and sometimes confusing experiencesof being a single Dad.However, this month I have mostly been reflecting uponhow easily kids make friends.Recently me and my three-year old boy went along toOaklands Park with his little bike.‘The Boy’ loves to ride his bike around the circular paththere, giving me the opportunity to take the weight offmy feet and sit on a bench. It almost verges on thehypnotic as I watch ‘The Boy’ going continually aroundand around, first saying “hello” then “bye-bye” each andevery time he zooms past me.This time was different though as there was anotherboy already playing in the middle of the circular area.As soon as ‘The Boy’ saw ‘The Other Boy’ he abandonedhis bike and ran straight over to him. Upon peeringat each other from opposite sides of a tree, theybecame immediate friends. It all happened in an instantand was completely devoid of any language or anyother attempt at communication.They were simply both in the same park, around thesame age, the same height, and so they both establishedan instant bond.Immediately ‘The Boy’ took off his shoes and socks tomimic ‘The Other Boy’ who had bare feet and theyinvented a game which involved running around aftereach other on the grass. After studying this game forseveral minutes there was clearly a pattern beyondrandomly running around, but I could not pin-point whatit was or how they were communicating such betweenthemselves. But the key thing was that the boys certainlyknew the rules and were both smiling and playinghappily together.There is something reassuringly human about theinstantaneous bond that happens between childrenplaying together - even if such a friendship is only tem-Kids make friends easily, so what’s theproblem where adults are concerned?porary.In stark contrast to this, I was sat on the same benchwith the other boy’s Auntie and we certainly didn’tbecome the sort of instant friends that were able to runaround the park together and pull faces at each otherthrough gaps in the trees. Instead of that, we were bothdistracted by a mixture of using our ’phones and childobservance, so really we barely acknowledged eachothers presence.So the boys continued to socialise with each other andfurther develop their unique game of charging aroundwhilst me and the Auntie continued to isolate ourselves,instead choosing to socialise on our ’phones with peoplewho were not in the park at all, probably both usingFacebook.I did briefly chat to the Auntie before her and ‘her boy’left and she seemed nice, but it’s left me wonderingwhat happens between childhood and adulthood thatmakes us so socially reluctant. At what point do wedecide that making instantaneous friends is a badidea?I currently commute to work on the train and it neverceases to amaze me how many people it is possible tofit into a train carriage without any of them feeling theneed to talk to anyone else. I’m not sure of any otherby Robert Rutherfordenvironment on earth that you could cram the samenumber of human beings into without somebody talkingto someone else. As The Edge magazine has a distributionpoint at Chelmsford station, there are probablypeople reading this very article on a silent train filledwith other equally isolated commuters.However, if you were to put the same number of threeyearolds into the same train carriage, there would beabsolute mayhem. Friends would be made, gamesplayed, battles fought and wars won. Seats would beclimbed, songs would be sung, screams would beheard, but most importantly, lots of fun would be had.While I don’t suggest we all commute childishly, I dofeel it’s a shame that we have seemingly lost the abilityto make our brief human encounters into temporaryfriendships, like a three-year old would.When something detrimental happens, such as a trainbreaking down and causing chaos on the railway, peoplesuddenly start talking to each other about what ishappening and suddenly we all get along just fine. Butisn’t it a shame that we all seem to forget this by thevery next day’s commute.So why not try putting this mag down (sorry Mr Edge,but it’s a simple social experiment) and say ‘Hello’ to astranger one day instead. Whoever is closest to you.Just say ‘Hello’. Maybe they could even do with a chat.But if they seem puzzled at your attempt to communicate,then please just show them this article as justification.And, what’s more, I shall also try following myown advice by saying ‘Hello’ to Aunties that I meet inparks. Simply because I firmly believe that the worldwould become a better place for it.And do let us know if you end up saying ‘Hello’ tosomeone interesting - shaun@theedgemag.co.ukshaun@theedgemag.co.uk Page 29

Page 30TOTALLY TRACIEMum’s Gone To IcelandWell, that’s it folks. Summer is officiallyover. The kids have gone back to school,Clarkes Shoes have sent their salesassistants to The Priory after the summerrush, mothers are cutting back onthe valium, so it’s time to start puttingaway the shorts and the flip-flops andstart pulling on the jumpers and scarvesonce again. After what was the longestcoldest most miserable winter on record,we were aptly rewarded with the mostglorious summer I can remember inmany a long year. For the first time ever,I have sat in my garden and relaxedamongst the weeds and the roses thatneeded pruning. But I didn’t care aboutthat one jot as I took some time out tosimply sit and drink in my deckchair.Hey, I even got in the pool once, whichwas a first!But all good things must come to an endand it’s time to get back to normal andstart looking forward.Did you realise that September is supposedlythe month when more peoplethan ever start affairs?I read an interesting article the other daywhich said, ‘Ladies - if your man is suddenlyshopping solo in Waitrose, takeheed.’ Whereas ‘if men suddenly noticetheir lady changing supermarkets toSainsbury’s, then they too should beextra vigilant.’It appears that men associate Waitrosewith ‘quality women’ who take care ofthemselves, whereas women associateSainsbury’s with men who are ‘goodproviders and good at DIY.’Personally " speaking, I have always hadgood results with men in B&Q or Wickes- wink wink. But it seems no-one is in theleast bit interested in starting up an affairin Iceland, so if your partner starts shoppingthere you can breathe a sigh ofrelief. Well, until you have to start eatingendless amounts of party food and lookforward to the in-laws coming over everyother day.FacecockDating doesn’t come any worse thanthis. A Chelmsford lady recently wrote totell me about her date from hell (oh andplease keep them coming as I love readingthem). Anyway, Jackie met a lovelyman. They went out for dinner twice andwere having a wonderful time together.All was going well and Peter thought hehad finally met the girl of his dreams.They made arrangements to spend aday in London before all suddenly wentquiet. Jackie contacted Peter a fewtimes, but he simply said he was “busyat work”. Then he contacted her andsaid, “I’m sorry, but I cannot see youagain as I have looked through yourFacebook friends and gone through yourfriend’s photo’s and I don’t like the wayone of your friend’s posts on her wall.”So it seems that when joining Facebook,not only in the fickle world of dating doyou have to be extra vigilant on what youpost, but it also seems you have to beextra careful as to the company youkeep!Blimey, when did dating become such agame of egos and power? Where hasthe romance gone?In today’s fickle world it seems the slightestthing can trip a relationship up beforeit’s even properly begun. I mean, howcan you ever really know someone froma Facebook page, which let’s face it, ifit’s anything like mine is full of instructionsto my teenage son, as that’s theonly way I can communicate with him!@ Invisible WorldScientists have developed an all-in-onesuit to protect surfers from sharks, whichsounds good.But if I were given a suit that made meinvisible, I could think of much betterthings to do in it than surfing. Hmmm, abank robbery immediately springs tomind, via the pub, where ‘Him Indoors’hangs @ out, whereupon I’d punch him onthe nose for the number of dinners I’vecooked @ which have had to be re-heatedor thrown in the bin, when he says he’sonly going to be an hour at the most!Rise to the OccasionIf you’re hoping to get a bumper pay riseat work this year, you might have to rethinkyour strategy, as it seems the keyto getting that super-duper pay rise is toimprove your game not in the boardroom,but the bedroom - and no, thatdoes not mean sleeping with your bossor your work colegues!Anglia University (no less) recently conducteda study which said those thatimproved their techniques in the bedroomquickly found that their pay checkreflected the desired results, and thosethat had sex before work were morehappy and cheerful all day long.Whereas in my case - I think such athought would make me get up half-anhour8 earlier to be out of the door and at-&8my desk a bit lively. You see, I like tocling on to my duvet ’til the very last possiblesecond. In fact, I’m more worriedabout what I can leave out of my daily9-*routine for an extra minute in bed, ratherthan what else I can cram in!Another LittleChelmsford GemCraig Hubert, our local World ChampionHairdresser, has been beavering awaybuilding his own brand of VintageCosmetics. Last week his cosmeticsrange made it onto QVC. Now beforeyou turn your nose up at TV shopping,be aware that every celebrity in theworld dreams of being invited onto QVCto flog their products, In fact, it’s hardergetting them onto QVC than it is gettingthem into Vogue and only the very bestof the best brands - after vigorous testing- make it on to showcase. So hugecongratulations to Craig and his team.Check out his website...thevintagecosmeticcompany.co.uk

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