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HIGH FINANCE We’re all painfully aware of the financial quagmire our country is mired in and, thanks to a couple of mentions in this very publication and, possibly, Jeremy Clarkson, you’re probably aware that the public sector is bearing the brunt of central government’s cutbacks and austerity measures. ME & MY adamantium skeleton It’s only April, giving us a full 8 months until December, and yet I’m already sick to the back teeth of knob-jockeys rattling on about December 2012, the Mayan calendar and the ‘end of the world’. Let’s clear one thing up straight away. If you give any credence at all to this absolute tosh then you are, in scientific terms, ‘a f ing idiot’. *** Yes, I know some of you probably do believe it, and if you do, then yes, my last sentence was aimed squarely at you. Please stop reading this article now before the incoming barrage of common sense makes your nose bleed. Unavailable for comment due to his ‘shooting’ schedule You’re also surely aware, unless you’ve been living under a rock or you’re an idiot, that the financial situation of our European cousins is even more dire. But don’t worry, I’m not about to launch into a tired diatribe about the reasons behind it or our plans to get out of it as that poor horse has definitely been flogged enough times. What I want to bring to your attention is some of what is occurring on the continent that you might not have heard about. We all know about the massive cutbacks and resulting riots in Greece, as the birthplace of democracy drowns in a tsunami of public rage, kebabs and tzatziki, but you’re probably not aware of what the Spanish are up to. I’ve tried to look on the bright side of this financial meltdown where I can. It’s only when we’re faced with huge problems like this that humanity really starts to think outside the box, to look at the way we’ve always done things and finally question their validity. I’m not naive enough to think that there’ll be a global epiphany and we’ll all agree that perhaps a financial system based solely on the merits of greed is really a good idea, but I’m hoping we’ll see some radical ideas being floated that will make us stop and think, or at least do a double take. Luckily, the Spanish seem to be making a good start. Judging by some of the things I’ve read, we’ve got it easy over here. Spare a thought for the town of Moia in Catalonia, whose public services are so debt ridden they’ve announced they can’t afford to bury their dead anymore. OK, so I’ve had to put up with a pay freeze for the last few years, but at least I’m not tripping over corpses on the way to work. No, I don’t do that until I’m actually in the office (boom-boom!) Page 26 You can spot public sector staff a mile off It’s not all doom and gloom and rotting cadavers though, as those wily Spaniards have managed to come up with a few ways to stave off financial disaster. The small town of Sodeto decided to pool their resources and enter the huge Spanish lottery ‘El Gordo’. This basically translates to ‘The Fat One’, so you immediately know it’s good. I don’t know why Camelot didn’t come up with something like that, but then again, they did originally have Eamonn Holmes presenting the shenanigans. The 250 cash strapped residents of Sodeto actually won ‘El Gordo’, sharing a prize of around £600 million, which apparently caused the rapturous farmers to ‘tear’ around the town on their tractors, and nothing gladdens the heart more than seeing screaming middle aged men doing doughnuts on tractors. We can’t all be that lucky though, so The Mayor of Rasquera, about to shizzle his nizzle. Or something. The Kingmeister reports the town of Rasquera really has come up with an innovative idea to raise some much needed cash. The local council of Rasquera have agreed to rent out land for local businessmen to grow marijuana on, a move stunning in both its simplicity and how much it’s sure to piss a whole load of idiots off. I’ve spoken before about how we should stop being so bloody stupid and legalise drugs, so it’s refreshing to see a public body - that isn’t in Holland - putting aside their kneejerk moral reactivism and actually looking at the idea in the cold harsh light of day. Granted, I doubt this proposition would have got off the ground without the appalling economic mess they’re in, but this is what I mean about radical, ‘outside the box’ solutions coming into play. Will it work? Almost without a doubt. Not only will they be getting money from the land rental, but they’ve effectively cut local organised crime off at the knees, saving yet more public money because the police aren’t wasting their time chasing people growing pot. While I may be making a trifle light of matters here, I genuinely do hope to see more of this sort of thing going on. More people in and out of authority challenging our usual ways of thinking and proposing the outrageous and unexpected. While we won’t be seeing the death of capitalism anytime soon, if the mess we’re in actually makes us put the brakes on being so greedy and wasteful, then, maybe, just maybe, it will have actually been worth it. DOOMSDAY (FOR IDIOTS) Obviously he’s a trustworthy source of information For those of you who don’t know, the Mayan ‘long count’ is an extremely well thought out and accurate calendar. Spanning several thousands of years, it ends on (supposedly) December 12th 2012. Obviously the logical assumption is that if the calendar of an ancient mesoamerican people ends, then naturally the entire world is going to end. This hypothesis is unfortunately called into question by the small fact that the Mayans never, not once, mentioned anywhere, ever, that the world was going to end on this date. This is what we in the trade of reason and common sense call a ‘fact’ (look it up) and should really put the stupid idea to bed right now. In case it doesn’t though, I give you Julius Ceasar, inventor of the leap year in 45BC. The inception of the leap year has actually slowed down the passage of time with the addition of the extra day in February every 4 years. Without leap years (which the Mayan calendar has no idea about), it’s actually already 2013, meaning the world should have ended some time last year. Nope, I didn’t notice it either. Still, if you’re really dead set on the world coming to an end on December 12th this year, then drop me a line and give me your bank details, please. www.theedgemag.co.uk
HAPPYEASTER from UNCLE EDGE KIDS! Yep, it’s a dog eating a Bunny Wabbit alright....there’s no mistake about that. And best of all, kids, Rover said, “Ruff, ruff, ruff!” which in doggy language means it tasted ooooooh so good, all that meat and blood and gore and stuff. Come to think about it, surely that ought to be the true meaning of Easter? The proper message? From your butcher, that is: EAT MORE WABBITS! Because we don’t, do we? Yet they’re such a stupid little creature that maybe we ought to just.... EAT ’EM? Kids should be shocked and scared out of their wits at Easter! City Status Hi Shaun, So what is The Edge’s take on Chelmsford’s city status? Will it make any difference to the man in the street? Will local amenities improve? Will our house prices double overnight? Will our Council Tax double instead? Will our council now get better funding to stop our roads looking like pock-marked teenagers faces? Hopefully it can only be a good thing for the great place in which we live. I have to say, when people (especially foreign people) used to ask about where I lived, I always used to mention that Chelmsford was the only town in England that had a Cathedral, only now I won’t be able to drop that little nugget of gold into the conversation anymore, so maybe you can suggest an alternative gem of information (I had heard rumours that Chelmsford has the busiest two platform station in the country?). Still really love the mag. I seem to have noticed it’s now available in a lot more locations than it used to be, although possibly I might be just imagining that. Best regards, Stuart Raven Marketing Director Chelmsford S’gotta be the comical rickety ‘fairground attraction’ (Big Dipper?) above our A&N roundabout, surely, sir? E.E. IT’S ALL ABOUT THE LEATHER WE CAN REPAIR THE FOLLOWING: Cigarette Burns Cracking Stretching Scratches Faded Colour www.hideworks.co.uk LEATHER REPAIRS you wouldn’t believe! Over 10 years experience in all aspects of leatherwork, inc. bespoke (build) and repairs. Our expertise covers both public, private and commercial areas. All leatherwork undertaken comes with a 5 year warranty. Automotive interiors a speciality. “It’s never damaged beyond repair unless Hide Words says it is!” H HideWORKS W “Don’t get it close...GET IT PERFECT” 07863 716 244 / 01277 841 587 ENJOY YOUR VERY OWN WALL OF SOUND The new BeoLab 12 is a fully digital on-wall loudspeaker that produces sensational surround sound in a graceful, minimalist fashion. It is the perfect compliment to any flat-screen or home stereo system. This revolutionary loudspeaker co-operates with the wall it is placed on, transmitting treble and bass sounds with outstanding precision and depth. BeoLab 12 features a sculptural design that forms a reassuring wave pattern that beholds powerful capabilities, maximizing every inch of the slim space. Call it the world’s most high-performing optical illusion, because when viewed from the side, this commanding loudspeaker appears even slimmer. Bang & Olufsen of Chelmsford 16-18 New London Road, Chelmsford, Essex, CM2 0SP Tel: 01245 266117 chelmsford@bang-olufsen.co.uk www.bang-olufsen.com/chelmsford Bang & Olufsen of Leigh on Sea 91 Broadway West, Leigh on Sea, Essex, SS9 2BU Tel: 01702 477741 leigh@bang-olufsen.co.uk www.bang-olufsen.com/leighonsea bang-olufsen.com The Edge 01245 348256 Page 27
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